0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hi! Welcome to the show. My name's Howard Moon and this is Vince Noir.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- DEEP VOICE: - Hello!
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Sorry.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12This week we're going to be tackling the subject of fame.
0:00:12 > 0:00:18When Lady Fame comes a'knocking on your door, you've gotta be quick to open it, or else she's away.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22- As if!- She only knocks once. - She knocks at my house all the time,
0:00:22 > 0:00:27banging on the door. I go to Tesco, she's hanging on to my cords.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29That's not Lady Fame, is it?
0:00:29 > 0:00:34- That's Mrs Pelham. She talks to mushrooms.- It's not. It's Lady Fame.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Lady Fame wouldn't shop at Tesco's. She'd shop at Marks, if anything.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42She goes to Marks for her bits. She doesn't do her main shop there.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- Maybe we should talk about this another time.- OK.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- Yeah.- See you later.- See you later, chewy teeth.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Enjoy the show.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Hey, Howard! Howard?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Small eyes!
0:01:24 > 0:01:30He's in a trance. A jazz trance. Every day he does this. It's a delicate procedure getting him out.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Agh! Oh!
0:01:32 > 0:01:38- Don't do that ever!- Why?- Never do that to a man in a jazz trance. - Why?- I could have a heart attack.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I was deep in the juju then.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Why don't you try doing some work?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47I'm going to get round to my work. This is my early morning procedure.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51- I listen to my jazz and go about my business.- No -
0:01:51 > 0:01:55you listen to your jazz, go into a trance, 6.10 - go to the pub.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Have you got anything you could be doing? Feeding the hoofed mammals?
0:01:59 > 0:02:04I'm onto it because I started my day with this. Check this out.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07MUSIC: "Don't You Want Me" by The Human League
0:02:10 > 0:02:13That is just making me feel physically sick.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15What is that gloomy racket?
0:02:15 > 0:02:21- That's The Human League. - It's electro nonsense. - They invented music.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- What happened before them then? - It was just tuning up before then.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29Are you aware of the music known as jazz? Are you aware of the jazz movement?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- Why are you going on about it? - It's the greatest art form.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all jazz is for.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- You better take that back, you electro ponce!- Or what?
0:02:40 > 0:02:45- Take it back.- I won't take it back. I'll leave it for all to see.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Drink it back up.- No - I hate jazz.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50You hate jazz? You FEAR jazz. Huh?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Ah!- Shut your mouth!- You fear jazz.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- I don't!- You fear the lack of rules.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00"Oooh! It's fast, now it's soft! Agh! The chaos!"
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- It has to be simple...- Stop the evil.
0:03:03 > 0:03:09- # Di di-di di dee dee... # - Shut your mouth.- Anything abstract - you mess your trousers.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Shut your mouth.- # De-dup! Swee-bup... #- Don't start scatting.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15We don't need scat at this point.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- # ..Be-be-be-bow... #- You better stop scatting.- # ..Buppa-doo buppa-dee! #
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- This is your final warning... - # Swee-be-be... #
0:03:27 > 0:03:31The thing about scat singing is it's an ancient art.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- It goes back as far as the Chinese dynasty.- There's some girls.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Oh, yes. Right.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I'll deal with this, OK?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45I'll deal with it. Watch the master weave his magic.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50Hi! Welcome to the zoo. My name's Howard Moon. I'm a zookeeper here.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54I hope you're enjoying your visit and the animals on display.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56There's many to feast your eyes on.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00There's the goats who are on heat at the moment, and others too.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05Later, there'll be an aquatic display at 3.30 and again at 5.30.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I'll be participating in that as a porpoise jockey
0:04:09 > 0:04:11in the porpoise derby.
0:04:11 > 0:04:17I don't know if you've ever seen a man ride a porpoise but it can be a thrilling sight for a young lady.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Hi! Nice hair.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Cheers.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- Are you in a band?- Yeah.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Kraftwerk Orange.
0:04:27 > 0:04:33I'm a musician, too - jazz musician mainly. I'm a fully qualified scat singer.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- We don't do jazz.- No.- We do electro.
0:04:36 > 0:04:42Electro's good. I enjoy the music of The Human League. Big-time fan.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Can play any instrument at all. You name it. I'm a multi-instrumentalist.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Well, if we need a bassoon player, we'll let you know.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Uh?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I can play bassoon - that's the irony!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59LOUD-HAILER: Howard, get to the jackal hut.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04- (Do that for me.)- Why?- (I'm getting on well.)- Getting on well?!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Don't get Vince to go instead of you.
0:05:06 > 0:05:13I've got to scoot, so...don't forget to check out the aquatic displays at 3.30 and again at 5.30.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Who's that jazz creep?
0:05:16 > 0:05:22He's the local simpleton. I know his mum. He does odd jobs, we give him a uniform, he's happy.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- Are you in a band? - Yeah - in a couple of bands.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- That's a shame.- What?- We're looking for someone to join our band.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35The bands I'm in, I've left them recently. Today, earlier on.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- Can you sing?- Yeah - I'm one of the great frontmen. I can pull shapes.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Why do you work in a zoo then?
0:05:42 > 0:05:48All frontmen worked with animals - Jagger worked in a pet shop, Rod Stewart in a tortoise sanctuary,
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Billy Ocean worked in an aquarium. That's how he got his name.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56That was a joke. What do you reckon, then? Am I in?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- OK. We'll give you a shot.- Cool.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- I'm Vince.- I'm Neon.- Ultra.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Laters.- Laters...on.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Where are those girls?- They've gone.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Gone?!- You just missed them.
0:06:12 > 0:06:18- I was getting a vibe off those girls. - I don't think it was you they were interested in.- It was.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22I was getting some magic off them. They weren't interested in you.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24They asked me to be in their band.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I can't believe it. You?!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- Yeah.- You're the least musical person I've ever met.- Who cares?
0:06:35 > 0:06:40- It's not about music, it's about your image.- Be careful.- Why?- You know what happened last time -
0:06:40 > 0:06:45you got all excited about that band with Leroy, that glam-folk band.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- People weren't ready for the mix of glam rock and folk music.- Nobody is.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58# Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04# Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
0:07:06 > 0:07:11# Remember me to the one who lives there
0:07:13 > 0:07:19# She once was a true love of mine. #
0:07:20 > 0:07:25People, we're gonna have ourselves a hotdog! Come on!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30It'll be different this time. I can feel it in my bones.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33You should be more loyal to the zoo.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38- Why?- Don't go running off at the drop of a hat, like fickle Bobby.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Fickle Bobby?- Running off like a candyfloss girl.- I don't do that.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Yeah, you do - running away when you see a shiny object.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50Be loyal like me. When I get an offer, I turn it down flat.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Really? As if you get any offers! - I get plenty!
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- Who from? Walt Disney? - Walt offers me stuff.- Does he?
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Many times he's come round and asked for help. He came round last week.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Strange he chooses you out of everyone.- It's not.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10- I've got an eye for detail.- What did he want you to do?- Sort his pens.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Put them in a workable order from hot reds down to the lilacs and beige
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- onto the ultramarine.- Really?- Yeah.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- I bet that took ages.- It didn't take long at all, cos I didn't do it.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- Why not?- I turned it down. - You idiot!- Out of duty.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- You don't want to anger Walt.- Why?
0:08:26 > 0:08:32- That might come back.- I can turn down Walt. I don't have a problem with that. I'm loyal.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I understand. I feel torn.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39On one hand, I've got the zoo. I love the zoo. On the other hand I've got stardom pulling me.
0:08:39 > 0:08:45I wish I was you. It must be easy for you. You can't really do anything else.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- How dare you?!- What?
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- I had a career in music beckoning. - Did you?- I could've been something.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57- But I turned it down.- Was that in the '50s?- How old do you think I am?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- When you look at me, do you see Gandalf the Wizard?- No!
0:09:01 > 0:09:05I was a jazz musician, you know. I could've been one of the greats,
0:09:05 > 0:09:10- but something happened.- What? - Something you... don't need to know about.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- Something that nobody needs to know about.- Look, so you blew your chance.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18That's not going to happen to me. I'm going all the way.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22- Are you?- Yeah. So brace yourself. Noir's going to the moon.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Oh, the arrogance of youth!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Hm? Go on, then. What you looking at?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Howard, check this out.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48ELECTRO MUSIC
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- What do you reckon?- Awful.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- That's my new demo. We're playing that tonight.- It's very good.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- You said it was awful.- It's grown on me.- Don't you understand?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06This is a big opportunity for me.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Slow down, Vince.- Why? - Going too fast.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14Rock'n'roll is fast. If all goes to plan, I could be in rehab Thursday,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Tuesday week, I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- Relax. Take your foot off the pedal. - Why?- Slow down.
0:10:21 > 0:10:28- You want fame, yeah?- Yeah.- You want it bad.- Yeah.- It's burning you up inside.- Yeah.- Like a fire.- Yeah.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- In your throat.- What's your point?- I used to have that fire.- Here we go!
0:10:32 > 0:10:38Deep inside me. I wanted fame, Vince. I had it as well. I was a musical genius.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43- As if! I've never seen you with an instrument. - There's a reason for that.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- It's time for me to tell you the story.- Is this going to take long?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50This story is going to chill you to the bone.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54It's going to turn your heart black with fear.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57It all happened what seems like a lifetime ago now.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Flashback.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07# Squi-gwig-gwig-why
0:11:07 > 0:11:09# Di-bi da-be-dee Be-bup Be-bup. #
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- DISCORDANT VOICE: - Get yourself out of here, Howard. Don't you have a home?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- This is a jazz club, yeah?- Yeah.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Well, wherever jazz is, I is.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Bebop's my home.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- I thought you lived near Budgens. - It's a metaphor.
0:11:26 > 0:11:33- You've been here three nights. What are you hanging around for? - Something wrong with your voice?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- VOICE STILL DISCORDANT:- What are you hanging around here for?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I'm going to be a jazz musician.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Something funny?- Yeah.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54- There are those who got it, and those who ain't.- I'm gonna get it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58No, you ain't. You know why?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Cos you ain't got the spirit of jazz inside you.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Well, I've got a dream inside of me. How's that for you?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Howard, there's a job opening here
0:12:08 > 0:12:13as a barrel monkey with your name on it. I suggest you take it.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16A barrel monkey?
0:12:16 > 0:12:21- I'm Howard Moon.- Is that a "yes"? - It's a "thank you, no."
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Suit yourself.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Here are the keys. Lock up when you're done.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Good luck, fool.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37HE PUFFS AND SPLUTTERS
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Well, well! What have we got here?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Hello, little fella!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01A little piece of chicken. What's happening, boy?
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- Who are you?- I is the spirit of jazz.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- What do you want?- You're in turmoil.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12What's wrong? Tell Uncle Mario what's wrong.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17- I want to be the greatest jazz player in Yorkshire.- Yorkshire?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- What is Yorkshire? - Yorkshire is a place.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Yorkshire is a state of mind.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28Yorkshire, New Orleans - it's all the same to me, baby.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- Maybe I'll make you famous. You want to be famous?- Yeah.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36You want to be on the wall - look at this guy - Blind Barney Shortbread.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41What a player! I seen him play with my own eyes. He was a genius.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45What about this guy - Hot Wee Wee Jefferson? The Cystitis Kid.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48When he was playing, those pipes was on fire.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52I can make you like that. You want to be on the wall, Howard Moon?
0:13:52 > 0:13:57- How do you know my name?- It's on your trumpet case, asshole.- Oh, yeah.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59So what do we do, then?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Maybe I'll make you famous. Maybe I'll do all I say.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07But maybe you gots to do something for me. I gots needs too, you know.
0:14:07 > 0:14:13- Whats?- Never mind the itty bitty details, just sign here. Sign here.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15In blood?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Biro's fine.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26What's this stuff about ownership of the soul?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Yous is mine, boy!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34You signed right here! You signed your soul away!
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I own you. Every time you pick up an instrument, I'll be there,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41inside you, wearing you like a glove!
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Your sweet ass is mine now.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Check it out.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Ow! My hat's on fire!
0:14:49 > 0:14:55- Are you blind? Why didn't you tell me?- I thought that was your look.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58No, it ain't my look! It's a brand new hat.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Spoilt my exit now.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Trying to do you a favour!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09There ain't no door back there. It's a toilet.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Then, the next evening, you'll never believe what happened.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16When I lifted that trumpet and blew that first note,
0:15:16 > 0:15:20something incredible happened, something that...
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- Oi!- What?- Are you listening to me?
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- No, I'm not!- I'm telling you an important story.- So what?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- It might help you.- I'm not interested.- Not interested.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- No. I'm a rock star now.- Whoa, big man! Well, you've changed.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- So what?- You used to be a zookeeper. This is was where your heart was.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- BLEEP- the zoo!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- What did you say? - I said- BLEEP- the zoo!
0:15:43 > 0:15:47I can't believe you're saying that. What about the animals?
0:15:47 > 0:15:52- BLEEP- the animals! They're a bunch of- BLEEP.- You wanted to help them.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I want to help them all to die!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03ELECTRO MUSIC
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Wait a second.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- Are you going to be wearing those hats tonight?- Yeah. Why?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12It's just that I'm the front man
0:16:12 > 0:16:19and I'm trying to create some stuff out here and they're creeping into my line of vision. Bobbing in.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21So, if you could just take them off.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Do you know who I am? Where did you get this chump from?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- I'm Johnny Two Hats.- Yeah? - Why do you think they call me that?
0:16:28 > 0:16:34- Because you've got two hats on. - Bingo!- We've got a gig tonight. Remember?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36OK. One, two, three, four...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- ELECTRO MUSIC - Sorry.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Um, what if someone starts wearing three hats?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- Have you seen someone wearing three hats?- No.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Of course not! You haven't even seen anyone with two hats yet.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- You know why no-one's ever worn two hats before?- Why?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- It looks freakish. You look like an idiot.- Stop dissing the hats.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- You're making me cross.- All right.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Next time, girls, will you consult me before you employ some bozo on vox.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- Sorry, Johnny.- Johnny what?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Two Hats.- Thank you.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Two, three, four...
0:17:18 > 0:17:23- What are we going to do now Johnny's left?- Who cares about Johnny?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27What was he bringing to the band, anyway, other than the extra hat?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- He wrote all the music. - Played the synth bass parts.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35- Programmed the drums.- Run the website.- He came up with this...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Yeah - that is pretty good. I'll get someone else.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Well, you've got three hours. - That's ages. Cool your boots!
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Listen, there's some important people coming tonight -
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- the head of Pie Face Records is going to be there.- I'll get someone.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- They've got to be cool. - I only know cool people.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Whatever. You've got three hours.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00- If you don't come up with someone, we'll stab you up.- You rock ponce!
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- Hello, ladies. Just ridden a porpoise.- Yeah? Ring-a-ding-ding!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Maybe catch you later, yeah?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22All right, Howard?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24All right.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29Sorry about earlier. I behaved like a tit. I was having problems coping with the stardom.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34- You've only been in the band since 10.30.- But the lifestyle, the drugs.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- What drugs?- You know, the coffees.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I've had three lattes and an Americano. I'm blazing!
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- How did it go with you and the porpoise race?- I came last.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- Again? Who won?- Tony.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- What, Blind Tony?- Yeah.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52He was using sonar or something.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57- How is it going with you and the pop band?- It's all right.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- Having trouble with the keyboard player.- What is it - mood swings?
0:19:01 > 0:19:07- He's left the band.- That's a pretty big mood swing. He swung right out?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- You know what musicians are like - temperamental.- I do know.- Yeah.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15- Yeah.- I heard you were pretty good. - I was one of the best.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- I heard you could play anything. - Yes.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22I was a multi-instrumentalist. I played trumpet, guitar, kazoo.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Keyboard?- Yeah. Grade 17.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- Is that good or bad?- Let's just say Grade 10 is a musical genius.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Seven off - I could probably work with that.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Howard, do you think you could do me a favour?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- I'm not doing it. - Come on - it'll be amazing!
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- It'll be genius! Me and you - fame, stardom.- No, I can't.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- I can't do it, Vince.- But the girls are into you!- Are they?- Yeah.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- They said you were an eccentric character.- Eccentric character...
0:19:53 > 0:19:57There's two of them, two of us. It'll be like the indie Abba.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- I just can't do it.- Why? - Even if I could, I...
0:20:01 > 0:20:06- I haven't got the right look.- I've thought about this. Leave it to me.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Check this out.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I've never shown anyone this, all right.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13If you do this gig for me,
0:20:13 > 0:20:17I'll give you unlimited access to these babies.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19HEAVENLY MUSIC
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- What are those?- They're my offcuts.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25My old hair.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Glue 'em on. Redesign your hair. Have fun with it.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I appreciate the gesture, but no.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34It seems like a lot - it's fine, honestly.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38It's not that. I just can't do the gig. You know why.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Because of that stupid story?- Yeah.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- I don't believe you! - When I play, bad things happen.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- Forget it! I'll get someone else. - That's not it...- Whatever!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51This is bullshit!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Rolo, you've got to help me.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58I desperately need a guitar for tonight's gig. Can you play?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Yes. I play just like Hendrix.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Great. There you go.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05There! Have that!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07What are you doing?! What was that?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Woodstock '69.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22HE PLAYS SOULFUL JAZZ
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Well, well! If it ain't the comeback kid!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What are you doing here?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I think you've been playing again, boy.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- I'm not playing. - Oh - yous is playing, boy!
0:21:43 > 0:21:48- Now it's time for me to get inside you again.- I don't want that.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Oh, yeah, baby - I'm coming inside.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Stop saying that - it sounds weird.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58- Weird? How so? We had an agreement. - I know, but I don't want anything to do with that now.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03Baby, you want to feel the warmth of me deep inside you, don't you?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- I certainly do not! - I've been inside all the greats.
0:22:06 > 0:22:13I've been inside Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, I got inside Steve Davis - but that was an accident.
0:22:13 > 0:22:19Don't deny me my role! I'm going to creep inside you like a warm kitten.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Just leave me alone.- We make such sweet music together.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27- Don't you remember? We were jazz pioneers.- Pioneers?
0:22:27 > 0:22:32What you made me do was embarrassing. I don't want anything more to do with you.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37I do not believe that boy's given me the credence I deserve.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39What are you looking at?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I don't know. I want to help Vince. I really do.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I just... I can't...
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Can't or won't?
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Can't.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- I thought you were a team? - We are a team.
0:22:57 > 0:23:03It's just that when I play an instrument the spirit of jazz gets inside me.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07When that happens, it isn't pretty. It makes me do stuff.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Like the shopping?- Shopping?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13No. Things I'd rather not talk about.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16There may be a way. Play this.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Play this?! Are you high?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Yeah.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I thought I explained, when I play...
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Play!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Just play it!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32HE PLAYS JAZZ
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Mm! I knew you couldn't resist me, boy.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Time for me to get inside you again.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- Oh, dear!- I'm going to wear you like a glove!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Who the hell is this asshole?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I'm Naboo, that's who.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Get in my Hoover bag, you boo!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Aghhh!
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Now, run like the wind. - Thanks, Naboo.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Sort your hair out - it's an '80s band!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Listen, bitch, have you got anyone?
0:24:06 > 0:24:12- Um...- You better have cos the head of Pie Face Records is here to see us.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Do we actually need anyone?- What?!
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Johnny Two Hats played keyboard. How hard can it be?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- It's just this...isn't it? - Have you got anyone?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Ladies.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- Howard!- Hi.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36No way! Not that simpleton!
0:24:36 > 0:24:41- He's a musical genius.- He better be. He looks like a paedophile.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Hey! So glad you could make it!
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Maybe after the gig we could have a drink, have a chat.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Yeah, sure. Yeah. Why not?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Who are you?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I'm Vince. I'm in Kraftwerk Orange.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05You're the head of Pie Face Records.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07No. No, I'm Marcus Hoffman.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- I design speedboats.- Sorry, I thought you were somebody else.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Listen, a few of us get together at weekends, listen to reggae.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Maybe you want to hang out with us.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Get lost, creepy crust!
0:25:20 > 0:25:24If I can just turn this thing on...
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- HOOVER WHIRS - Now I'm coming for you, Howard Moon!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Hoover or not - I'm coming for you!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32ELECTRO MUSIC
0:25:44 > 0:25:47# Driving along on the plastic dream
0:25:47 > 0:25:51# Heart beats fast like a tiny machine
0:25:51 > 0:25:53# I am electro boy
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# I am electro girl
0:25:59 > 0:26:03# Sailing along on a Perspex sea
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# Crystal moccasins, bionic jeans
0:26:06 > 0:26:09# I am electro boy
0:26:10 > 0:26:14# I am electro girl... #
0:26:22 > 0:26:25He's close! I can smell him! I can smell the notes!
0:26:31 > 0:26:36# ..Driving along on the plastic dream
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# Heart beats fast like a tiny machine
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# I am electro boy
0:26:43 > 0:26:45# I am electro girl
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# Sailing along on a Perspex sea
0:26:51 > 0:26:55# Crystal moccasins, bionic jeans
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# I am electro boy... #
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Yeah! Come on! Yeah! Ha-ha!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Get the hell out of my way, lady!
0:27:03 > 0:27:07- Agh!- We're going to have ourselves some hot jazz!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09HE PLAYS JAZZ MANICALLY
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Well, I'm sorry about last night.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41I got a bit carried away and the jazz got in me and I had a jazz attack.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43The whole night was a shambles.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I can't believe those electro girls! They stabbed everyone up.
0:27:46 > 0:27:51I've been thinking, I don't think it's for me, the rock'n'roll lifestyle.
0:27:51 > 0:27:56- Don't worry about that, Vince - I'm going to make it up to you.- Yeah? - Check this out.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00HEAVENLY MUSIC
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Wow!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Let's sort these pens out for Uncle Walt.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09THEY SING IN WEST-COUNTRY ACCENTS # Feels as though nobody cares
0:28:09 > 0:28:11# If I lives or dies
0:28:11 > 0:28:17# So I might as well begin to put some action in my life
0:28:18 > 0:28:21# Breaking the law breaking the law... #