0:00:02 > 0:00:06STARSKY AND HUTCH THEME PLAYS
0:01:32 > 0:01:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:38 > 0:01:43MUSIC: "Bring Me Sunshine"
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Thank you very much.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Thank you.- Thank you.
0:01:59 > 0:02:05- Good evening. - Thank you.- Good evening.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10- Thank you very much.- Welcome to the Morecambe and Wise Christmas show.
0:02:10 > 0:02:18- First, we'd like to wish you all a very merry Christmas. Eric... - Very, very, very merry Christmas.
0:02:18 > 0:02:25- We've got a wonderful show for you. - All the names up in lights. - Wonderful scenery, costumes...
0:02:25 > 0:02:32beautiful dancing girls. I've written a special play which I'm sure you'll enjoy.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37- My play has glamour... - Excuse me.- Yes?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- One moment.- Yes?- Who's Mr Recambe?
0:02:41 > 0:02:48- I haven't met Mr Recambe. Who's Mr Recambe, please? - That's you.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51But I'm not all there.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53We all know that!
0:02:55 > 0:03:00- Where's the "MO"?- Why? Aren't you feeling very well?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- You know, MO - medical officer.- Yes.
0:03:04 > 0:03:11- It's that.- Oh, I know what you mean!- It's my name.- You can see all mine.- We won't go into that.
0:03:11 > 0:03:19- It's a good job my name isn't Sussex.- Why?- It would have been Sex and Wise.- Leave it to me.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I've never worked alone before.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- There you are.- That'll do fine.
0:03:26 > 0:03:33- MBE and Wise.- I got an OBE, not an MBE.- That's true.- I'll do it.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38Yeah, you fix it. I've never worked alone, you know.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43- Ah, that's much better. Wait. There's one thing wrong.- What?
0:03:46 > 0:03:51There you are. Morecambe and Wiser because I am.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- You've almost got it right. - Almost?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58There we are.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06APPLAUSE DROWNS HIS WORDS
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Thank you.
0:04:10 > 0:04:17- Well, it's lovely to be here. What guest stars do we have on the show?- None.- None?
0:04:17 > 0:04:22- None.- No guest stars at all? - Nobody will work with us any more.
0:04:22 > 0:04:30- There must be somebody needs the money.- There's one fellow who'll work with us.- Who?- Elephant John.
0:04:30 > 0:04:37- You mean ELTON John.- Him. He was on our last Christmas show. He sang "All Sentimental" and got laughs.
0:04:37 > 0:04:45- We don't want him. And he's too expensive.- Yeah.- How much does he want?- £35 and two Luton players.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47That's almost £50!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- No, we can't afford him.- No.
0:04:52 > 0:04:59- Anyway, I've fixed everything. - Will you get rid of him?- He won't be on the show.- Let's get on.- Wait.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05- What?- You mentioned Christmas.- Yes. - Well?- What?- Where's my little...?
0:05:05 > 0:05:10- Oh, you mean, you want a Christmas present?- If it's ready.- All right.
0:05:10 > 0:05:18- There's my credit card. You can have it for ten minutes.- The shops are closed!- Suit yourself!
0:05:32 > 0:05:40- Hello.- Hello.- I'm Elton John. I'm here to do the Morecambe and Wise Show.- They told me to give you this.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Oh. Thank you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48"Dear Elephant, Please go to..." Elephant?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"Please go to room 405."
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Hm, 405.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- That's the fourth floor.- Thank you.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:18Ladies and gentlemen, it's a time of change and change means progress.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23What better time to change than the year of the Silver Jubilee.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Eric says it's 25 years since I opened my wallet!
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- I've got a surprise for you... - < Aw-w!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Aw-w!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- What?- What's that?- Ernie?- Yeah?
0:06:37 > 0:06:42- Have I ever told you a lie? - No, never.- It's a kitten.
0:06:42 > 0:06:49- That's the first lie I've ever told you.- No, it's a puppy. Is it a Christmas present?
0:06:49 > 0:06:54- No, I got it from Multi-Coloured Swap Shop.- A children's programme?
0:06:54 > 0:07:02- I gave my wrong age over the phone. - You swapped something for the puppy?- Yes. I'll miss the wife.
0:07:02 > 0:07:08We don't need jokes, you see, because everybody will go, "Ah-h!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:13- Lovely little thing.- Ah-h, yes. Is it a boy-dog?- How can you tell?
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- Don't you know?- No. - It's very simple. All you do is...
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I've just had me tea!
0:07:23 > 0:07:30- I'll do it if you will. - I'm not going to do it. - Let's have a look together.- OK.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Male.- Female.
0:07:35 > 0:07:43- Are you sure?- No, I'm not. - We'll have to wait another couple of months to find out.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48- Well, this could be a long spot. - What kind of a dog is it?
0:07:48 > 0:07:55- A special one.- Oh?- A cross between a cocker spaniel and a poodle. - What's that?- A cock-a-doodle.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- If you analyse that one, it doesn't make sense.- Could I...?- What?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Certainly. There we are.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08- Beautiful little thing, isn't it? - Oh, lovely! Soft, warm tummy.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11It's your age.
0:08:11 > 0:08:19- You'd better take him back.- Why? - I'll get bitten all over.- I thought we were staying at the same hotel.
0:08:19 > 0:08:24Shall I get his trainer on? Young man, here we are.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29- Thank you.- Would you like to stroke it?- Yes. Give him the dog.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Thank you very much.
0:08:38 > 0:08:45And finally, the Department of the Environment has given the go-ahead for a group of students
0:08:45 > 0:08:50to mount a major study into the lifestyle of the dolphin,
0:08:50 > 0:08:54and one dolphin in particular called Beaky.
0:08:54 > 0:08:59Over the last few years, scientists have become increasingly convinced
0:08:59 > 0:09:07that it's the dolphin, not the ape, that bears the closest similarity to the intelligence of the human being.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12That's it for now. I'll be back at 9 o'clock with the News At Ten. Oh!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15APPLAUSE
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Thank you.- Thank you very much.
0:09:23 > 0:09:31- Now it's my great pleasure to introduce you to our guest star. - A famous name?- Yes.- Let me guess.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- Give me a clue... The initials?- AR.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- AR.- AR.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Got it.- What?- Arthur Askey.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45- You're on, Arthur.- No, don't be silly! It's a beautiful young lady.
0:09:45 > 0:09:52She's been entertaining millions of viewers every Sunday night on television.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55From Poldark, Angharad Rees.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57APPLAUSE
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Don't hang about, love. We're waiting for Angharad Rees to come on.
0:10:14 > 0:10:21Angharad! Lovely to see you. Wonderful! Look at Eric. He's absolutely shattered.
0:10:21 > 0:10:27- You're one of his favourites. - Am I, Eric? I didn't know that.
0:10:27 > 0:10:32- Good Lord.- He's completely nonplussed. He's all embarrassed.
0:10:32 > 0:10:39- It's lovely to have you on the show, Angharad.- Thank you.- Eric.- Yes? - Your hand.- I've got another one here.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42He's watched all of your series.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- I didn't know you were a fan, Eric. - (Excuse me.)
0:10:46 > 0:10:50I'll tell you something, Hand-grenade...
0:10:50 > 0:10:55I was thrilled when I realised that you had escaped.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Escaped?- From Colditz.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03- You blacked up and jumped over that fence.- No, POLDARK.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08- Oh. Poldark.- So you watched every episode, Eric?- Every one. With envy.
0:11:08 > 0:11:14- Envy?- I was envious of the man who played the part of your husband.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19- Oh, you mean Ross.- Yes, Ross. How is Edmundo, these days?
0:11:19 > 0:11:26- The last time I saw him he had his maracas up in the air...- That's not something to say to a lady.
0:11:26 > 0:11:33- How about you, Ernie? Did you watch Cowpark? - Coalpit.- Poldark. NOT any more.
0:11:34 > 0:11:42I saw one episode and I was deeply shocked to see you, a married woman, doing kissing with another man.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I was only acting.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48They all say that.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52- Let me try and explain. - What?- What?
0:11:52 > 0:12:00- He went to war and came back injured. He was in the navy.- I saw that part. He was a deck-hand on a submarine.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- But he went down well.- Oh, good.
0:12:03 > 0:12:09- He was in need of comfort so I put my arms around him like this.- Yes?
0:12:09 > 0:12:14And I ran my fingers through his hair like this.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Go on.
0:12:23 > 0:12:30- I felt so sorry for him I held him close like this.- Yes.- Then I pressed my lips to his neck like this.
0:12:30 > 0:12:38- Oh, yab-a-dab-a-doo! And then what happened?- Nothing. - They went into a cave.- They didn't.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42We always had a soft spot for sailors.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Ah-ha-ha!
0:12:44 > 0:12:51There was a young sailor from Preston who ran down the M1 with no vest on.
0:12:51 > 0:12:58- He was just outside Stoke when the big hairy blokes... - That's not necessary.- Right.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03Miss Hang-glider...if you'd get changed for your part.
0:13:03 > 0:13:11- Do I have something pretty to wear? - If you like wellingtons, yes. - There's a blue dress and a red one.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- Which one do I wear?- The blue one. The red one's his.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Come back here!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Come back, you.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- She's beautiful.- Oh, beautiful.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- Absolutely gorgeous.- Well?
0:13:29 > 0:13:37- I want to know...- Yes?- We're doing a scene with her?- Yes.- I get her in the end?- You have your way with her.
0:13:37 > 0:13:44- It's all yours.- Yes.- She's madly in love with you. All you do is come on when I give you the cue.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47And the cue is?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50What was the cue?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I didn't hear the flaming cue, Ern!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Ah, my dear.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- Some tulips for you.- Oh, thank you!
0:14:19 > 0:14:24You must be freezing. I'll just give it a bit of a puff.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29- I'll go and pour you a nice warm drink, my dear.- Thank you.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Oh, the weather!
0:14:40 > 0:14:45Oh, it's cold. This'll warm the cockles of ye heart.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47But ye don't want to catch a cold.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51AH-H-TCHOO !
0:14:51 > 0:14:56I'm sorry about that. I didn't realise your cat had been run over.
0:14:56 > 0:15:04- What are you doing here? I wish to be alone with this young lady. - Sire, it be FREEZING out there.
0:15:04 > 0:15:11- We know how to keep one another warm.- But I need a YOUNG man. - He's well past his sell-by date.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Would you please get out?- Sire,
0:15:13 > 0:15:20it's so cold out there, they're laying men off at the brass foundry.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25- And I must get to Truro.- You cannot go to Scotland in this weather.
0:15:25 > 0:15:32- YOU are going out in that snow and you're going out there NOW. - Scotland?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Oh, Eve, never leave.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40What are you...?!
0:15:40 > 0:15:48- I do get her in the end, don't I? - You make love to her when I give you the cue.- And the cue is?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- MUMBLES SOMETHING - You sound foreign to me!
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- My dear, would you care to sit down?- Thank you.
0:16:06 > 0:16:13How would you like a romantic interlope with the most beautiful, handsome, virile lover
0:16:13 > 0:16:16in the whole of Cornshire?
0:16:16 > 0:16:21- OK. But if he's not here in ten minutes, I'm leaving.- Please!
0:16:21 > 0:16:25BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION TO A SONG
0:16:29 > 0:16:34- # I really can't stay - Baby, it's cold outside
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- # I've got to get away - Baby, it's cold outside
0:16:38 > 0:16:42# This evening has been so very nice.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46# I'll hold your hands They're just like ice
0:16:46 > 0:16:52# My mother will start to worry And Father will be pacing the floor
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- #- Listen to the fireplace roar
0:16:55 > 0:17:02- # So, really, I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't go home - Well, maybe just to have a drink
0:17:02 > 0:17:07- # The neighbours might think... - You'll freeze out there
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- # What became of my drink? - It's knee-high out there
0:17:11 > 0:17:17- # I wish I knew how... - Your eyes are like starlight now - ..To break the spell
0:17:17 > 0:17:23- #- I'll hold your hand, your hair looks swell - I have to say no, no, no
0:17:23 > 0:17:28- # At least I can say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- # I really can't stay - Baby, don't hold out
0:17:31 > 0:17:37# Baby, it's cold outside. #
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Now's your chance!
0:17:53 > 0:17:58ORCHESTRA PLAYS "That's Entertainment"
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Tea, Ern.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20Tea-urn! That's a belter, that. I haven't done that one for years.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25- That's one for the archives, that. - It should be IN the archives.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28You've done it for a million years.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32That's the job finished now.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Just the one wallet in that crate, is there?
0:19:39 > 0:19:44- Do we have to leave? - We have to progress in this world.
0:19:44 > 0:19:52The new place is beautiful. It's better than here and much cheaper than this dump.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Is it?
0:19:54 > 0:19:59- When will the van be here?- Soon as the doctor's signed the certificate.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04- Tell you what.- What?- We've had a few laughs here.- We have.
0:20:04 > 0:20:10- Remember we used to talk about Aston Street school.- I forget.
0:20:10 > 0:20:18You always said that when I said Aston Street school. Was that on account of...Miss?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Nothing to do with Miss.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Nothing at all.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29You never did tell me. Why did she keep you in?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Every night she kept you in after school.- Forget it!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Tell me. Go on. I'm your friend.
0:20:36 > 0:20:43If you think I'm gonna stand here and talk about such a little thing, you're mistaken.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48I don't want to know what she said, just why she kept you in.
0:20:48 > 0:20:56- I was only ten. How do you expect me to remember what happened 20 years ago?- I shouldn't have asked.
0:20:56 > 0:21:02- We must look to the future today, not the past. We must progress. - SIREN
0:21:02 > 0:21:08- Is that an ambulance?- No, it was Shaw Taylor going home for lunch.
0:21:10 > 0:21:17- Hey, I remember the first time you ever stuck your head out this window.- When was that?
0:21:17 > 0:21:23It was blowing a gale. It blew your wig off.
0:21:23 > 0:21:29It landed in that garden. An old lady gave it a saucer of milk.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I remember that.
0:21:31 > 0:21:38Will you come away from that window? People'll think we've got double-glazing.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- Eric?- You've got a good memory for names.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I'll talk to you.
0:21:48 > 0:21:55- I've known you a long time. - I know.- And I know what's worrying you.- What?- Fear.
0:21:55 > 0:22:02- Fear?- Yes.- Fear of what? - Fear of change.- I'm not frightened of change.- You're not?
0:22:02 > 0:22:10- I watch News at Ten.- What?- I like to see Reginald Bosanquet's hair change colour after the commercial.
0:22:10 > 0:22:16- Do we have to leave, Ern?- The new place is much better and cheaper.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23Cast your baby-blue eyes over that, my boy.
0:22:23 > 0:22:30- It's a beautiful home.- Yes. - Whose is it?- Ours! That's the one we're getting.- Do me a favour!
0:22:30 > 0:22:36- Yeah!- That's almost a stately home. - Built by Wren.- Eh?- Built by Wren.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41How a tiny little bird can carry all these bricks I'll never know.
0:22:41 > 0:22:48- Lord Nel...- Hey.- What?- What? - Lord Nelson stayed there. - With David Hamilton?
0:22:48 > 0:22:53- LADY Hamilton. - Is there a difference?
0:22:53 > 0:23:00- Look at that!- Yeah. - It's got a TV aerial.- Lord Nelson had it rewired before he left.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Oh.
0:23:02 > 0:23:09- It's built in the classical style. - You can tell that.- Eaves sticking out of the window.- She's a big girl.
0:23:11 > 0:23:18- There you are. - I love the countryside.- Do you like the country?- I just said that.
0:23:18 > 0:23:24- I love the countryside.- Do you like nature?- Till me back went.- Oh.
0:23:24 > 0:23:31- I don't want to leave this flat. - DOORBELL RINGS - That'll be the removal men.
0:23:31 > 0:23:39- There you are, gentlemen. - Don't worry, lads, this time tomorrow you'll be in Amsterdam.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Be careful with him. He's in there.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Thanks a lot, boys. There'll be no tips. You've been warned, have you?
0:23:47 > 0:23:53- Thank you very much.- Oh, he got a pat on the back, did he?- Yeah.
0:23:54 > 0:24:00- Ah, well, that's it, then.- Yeah. But don't upset yourself.
0:24:01 > 0:24:09- Don't upset yourself. You'll get me going.- I think the car's arrived. Shall I wait for you downstairs?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- Tell you what, you wait for me downstairs.- OK.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Forgot your coat?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I'll see you both downstairs then.
0:25:16 > 0:25:21- Ern?- Yeah?- The dog's wee'd on your dressing-gown.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40CAR IS REVVED UP
0:25:56 > 0:25:59BRAKES SCREECH
0:26:25 > 0:26:28MINI SCREECHES TO A HALT
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Here. What about a tip, then?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Certainly. Leave the women alone.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00- You're in for a big surprise. I'll put the light on.- Good Lord!
0:27:00 > 0:27:08- There you are.- This is fantastic! - It's luxury.- Beautiful!- It's better and cheaper than our last place.
0:27:08 > 0:27:14- It is.- And it's got a beautiful view. Take a look.- Over there?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Just open the curtains.
0:27:36 > 0:27:44- Aye? What do you want? - Uhm...I've got a letter...about the Morecambe and Wise Show.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47You'll have to ask Sgt Wilson.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52- Can I help you?- I've got a letter about the Morecambe and Wise Show.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56You'll have to ask Captain Mainwaring.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58MUMBLES
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Morecambe and Wise.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Stupid boy.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26# We got sunlight on the sand We got moonlight on the sea
0:28:26 > 0:28:30# We got mangoes and bananas You can pick right off a tree
0:28:30 > 0:28:34# We got volleyball and ping-pong And a lot of dandy games
0:28:34 > 0:28:38# What ain't we got? We ain't got dames.
0:28:41 > 0:28:46# We get packages from home We get movies, we get shows
0:28:46 > 0:28:53# We get speeches from our skipper We get letters doused with perfume We get dizzy from the smell
0:28:53 > 0:28:58# What don't we get? You know darn well.
0:28:58 > 0:29:03- #- We got nothing to put on a clean white shirt for
0:29:04 > 0:29:09- #- We've got nothing to look masculine and...cute for
0:29:10 > 0:29:16# There is nothing like a da-a-ame Nothing in the world
0:29:16 > 0:29:24# There is nothing you can name That is anything like a da-a-ame
0:29:24 > 0:29:29# There are no books like a dame - Ah-ah-ah...
0:29:29 > 0:29:34# Nothing looks like a dame - Ah-ah-ah...
0:29:34 > 0:29:39# There are no drinks like a dame - Ah-ah-ah...
0:29:39 > 0:29:44# And nothing thinks like a dame - Ah-ah...
0:29:44 > 0:29:48# Nothing acts like a dame - Oh-oh...
0:29:48 > 0:29:51# Or attracts like a dame - Oh-oh...
0:29:51 > 0:29:55# There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here
0:29:55 > 0:29:59# That can't be cured by putting him near
0:29:59 > 0:30:05# A girlie, womanly, female, feminine da-a-a-ame.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08# We feel lonely and we long For the fair and gentle sex
0:30:08 > 0:30:11# We would like to feel some arms around our necks
0:30:11 > 0:30:15# We feel hungry as the wolf in Red Riding Hood
0:30:15 > 0:30:19# What don't we feel? We don't feel good.
0:30:20 > 0:30:26# Lots of things in life are beautiful but, brother...
0:30:26 > 0:30:33# There is one particular thing that is nothing whatsoever in any way, shape or form
0:30:33 > 0:30:39# like any other - Other-er. # Who said that?
0:30:39 > 0:30:44Berk! THEY WHISTLE THE TUNE
0:30:52 > 0:30:54WHISTLING STOPS
0:30:54 > 0:31:00ORCHESTRA CONTINUES TO PLAY THE TUNE
0:31:54 > 0:31:57# There is nothing like a dame
0:31:57 > 0:32:01# Nothing in the world
0:32:01 > 0:32:08# There is nothing you can name That is anything like a dame
0:32:08 > 0:32:12# There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here
0:32:12 > 0:32:16# That can't be cured by putting him near
0:32:16 > 0:32:24# A girly, womanly, female, feminine da-a-a-a-ame.
0:32:27 > 0:32:34BASSO PROFUNDO # There is absolutely nothing like the frame
0:32:34 > 0:32:40# Of a-a-a...
0:32:40 > 0:32:44# Da-a-a-ame. #
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Dame!
0:33:41 > 0:33:48- I'd like to tell you about my new play entitled Cyrano de Bergerac. - Oh, a knock-out, that.
0:33:48 > 0:33:55- You play Cyrano de Bergerac. - Thanks a lot.- This is what I want you to do.
0:33:55 > 0:33:59- LAUGHTER - What?
0:33:59 > 0:34:06You've got to learn a lot of poetry. "I am Cyrano de Bergerac. I've got this big nose."
0:34:06 > 0:34:12- Ladies and gentlemen! - Ladies and gentlemen, I can't believe it.
0:34:12 > 0:34:19- Good Lord! Isn't this wonderful!- Your friend and mine, Mr Francis Matthews!
0:34:19 > 0:34:23- Are you looking forward to the show?- Oh, immensely!- Good.
0:34:23 > 0:34:29- Well, I'm looking forward to it. - Good. - ERIC SNORES
0:34:29 > 0:34:36- Well, I'm looking. - Yes.- I need the money. - Well, you play Count de Basie.
0:34:36 > 0:34:43- A one-two-three-four.- I think he'll be very good.- One of the finest men you've had.- He'll be excellent.
0:34:43 > 0:34:51- Eric!- Yes?- Are you partaking of intoxicating liquor?- No. Rheumatism. I can't bend my elbow.
0:34:51 > 0:34:56- I can't do that. Not with that arm. - No.- I can't with that arm either.
0:34:56 > 0:35:01- Francis, have you read my play? - No. My wife read it to me in bed.
0:35:01 > 0:35:08It's funny you should say that. My wife and I have reached that stage as well.
0:35:08 > 0:35:15- You can't have everything in life...and I never did. - What did your wife...?
0:35:15 > 0:35:20- What did...?- That was an extra one. - Did your wife like my play?
0:35:20 > 0:35:28- She said if I took part in it I'd be demeaning myself.- Isn't that nice?- He's doing it again!
0:35:28 > 0:35:35- Francis, are you a hard drinker? - No, I find it very easy. - I wish I'd thought of that.
0:35:35 > 0:35:42- If I could tell you about my play. It's an historical play. - Why are we doing it on a...?
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Mm-mm-mm-mm.
0:35:44 > 0:35:51- Why are we doing it on a revolving stage?- Why are we doing it on a revolving stage?- What?
0:35:51 > 0:35:58- Why is your speech slurred? - The floor's slippery.- This is not a revolving stage!- It feels like it.
0:35:58 > 0:36:06- Slippery! Did you hear that? Hello!- Let me get on.- I'm ready when you are.- That's the spirit.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10- Good idea, spirit.- Help yourself. - Thank you.
0:36:12 > 0:36:18"That's Entertainment" RECORDING IS SPEEDED UP
0:36:33 > 0:36:36- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39Ladies and gentlemen...
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Please, please.
0:36:41 > 0:36:47Our next guest star is one of the most popular actresses on TV today.
0:36:47 > 0:36:52- Here she is, Miss Penelope Keith! - Hey-hey-hey! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
0:36:52 > 0:36:54APPLAUSE
0:37:02 > 0:37:09Penelope, it's great to have you on the show. We're really thrilled, aren't we, Eric?
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Thank you very much, Kermit.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18It's like being on the puppet show.
0:37:19 > 0:37:21Muppet!
0:37:21 > 0:37:24No, dear, puppet.
0:37:24 > 0:37:31- Penelope, it is a unique honour... - I'd rather you didn't kiss my hand. It's frightfully unhygienic.
0:37:31 > 0:37:36Well, that's put the blocks on what I had in mind.
0:37:37 > 0:37:44If you do this show, if you do his play, you would end up in the series.
0:37:44 > 0:37:52- I'm in a series.- Two minutes with me and you've got your own series! Can I introduce you...?- I know him.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54How are you, Derek?
0:37:57 > 0:38:02- About your play, Mr Wise... - Ah, yes. It's a sad, romantic play.
0:38:02 > 0:38:10- It's about the beautiful Roxanne and a poet who's madly in love with her, a fellow with a big hooter.- Ah.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14That part's going to be played by Derek?
0:38:14 > 0:38:19- She keeps calling me Derek!- It will be an honour to work with you, Derek.
0:38:19 > 0:38:24It's a pleasure and an honour to work with you, Penelope.
0:38:24 > 0:38:32- Have you seen any of my plays on television?- I did once catch a tiny glimpse of one of your plays.
0:38:32 > 0:38:37- I'm afraid I found it rather violent.- Violent ?!
0:38:37 > 0:38:44- What do you mean? - It was just a tiny glimpse, you see, and all I saw was this.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49- HE does that to ME.- Oh, yes.
0:38:49 > 0:38:53I see. So perhaps... had some meaning, Derek?
0:38:53 > 0:38:57She's hitting me and calling me Derek now.
0:38:57 > 0:39:05- I couldn't understand what slapping Derek's face had to do with the play.- My name is Eric.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09Oh, I AM sorry, Mr Moron. All I saw was...
0:39:12 > 0:39:16- Don't! No!- You could be right. - Be nice to the lady.
0:39:16 > 0:39:24- Be nice and charming. She's a lady. - I will.- About my play, Penelope... - I don't want to do it.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29You don't want to...
0:39:29 > 0:39:37- I want to do what the other lady stars did, like Vanessa Redgrave and Glenda Jackson.- We're past that age.
0:39:37 > 0:39:42- My legs have gone.- His legs have gone.- No...- Well, one of them has.
0:39:42 > 0:39:49- I want to walk down a staircase, a very glamorous staircase. - Ah!- Ah!- That could be.- No.
0:39:49 > 0:39:57- Have we got a cairstase?- We haven't got a staircase.- We could get you a staircase later.- It can be arranged.
0:39:57 > 0:40:04If you will do my play, then you can walk down the stairs like the Hollywood stars. OK?
0:40:04 > 0:40:11- If I do your play, it will cost you extra money.- Ah.- It's a bit difficult.- Got some up there?- No.
0:40:11 > 0:40:19- Extra money, well... You see this fiver?- Yes.- After you've done my play, I'll show it to you again.
0:40:19 > 0:40:26- We can't be fairer than that. - Then I walk down the staircase? - Ready when you are.- Come this way.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Come along, Derek.
0:40:31 > 0:40:37"That's Entertainment" IS PLAYED VERY FAST
0:40:50 > 0:40:53DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:41:58 > 0:42:04What will happen when the beautiful Roxanne arrives? I love her so much.
0:42:04 > 0:42:11- Luckily, here comes my friend Cyrano de Bergerac. - "HORSES HOOVES" CLATTER
0:42:11 > 0:42:14BRAKES SCREECH
0:42:15 > 0:42:19MUSIC: "The Generation Game" theme
0:42:29 > 0:42:32Look what they did to my nose!
0:42:32 > 0:42:37- If I sneeze now, I could blow me hat off.- Oh, really?
0:42:38 > 0:42:41If it rains, I could drown!
0:42:41 > 0:42:45- However, I always carry a spare. - A spare?- Yes.
0:42:45 > 0:42:51I'll have the same as him only slower. Look - a Chinese noseaway.
0:42:52 > 0:42:56That'll be all right once it's run in.
0:42:58 > 0:43:03- Has the beautiful Roxanne arrived? - About five minutes ago with that blackguard Count de Basey.
0:43:03 > 0:43:07A one-two, a one-two-three-four.
0:43:07 > 0:43:12- I don't like him.- No.- He made fun of my nose.- Don't let him do that.
0:43:12 > 0:43:19If it wasn't for this I'd be able to tell Roxanne how much I love her.
0:43:19 > 0:43:26- I can't believe it. He also loves Roxanne. - Yes, I know.
0:43:27 > 0:43:32- Go and get the tickets. - Leave him alone.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36What have you got for me?
0:43:36 > 0:43:40- I've got two in the circle. - I had noticed.
0:43:40 > 0:43:45- I could let you have one in the stalls.- They all say that!
0:43:45 > 0:43:50- I can give you two in a box. - There's a novelty.- Hurry up!
0:43:52 > 0:43:57My name is Cyrano, a swordsman and poet.
0:43:57 > 0:44:04My words give the ladies a thrill. And now I'd like your assistance 'cos my nose is stuck in this grill.
0:44:04 > 0:44:10- Thank you.- They've gone to the box. We must follow them.- Of course.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13Disgusting.
0:44:14 > 0:44:18There's a bum show on here next week.
0:44:18 > 0:44:20Looks like Kojak with a deep frown.
0:44:32 > 0:44:34APPLAUSE
0:44:39 > 0:44:43ORCHESTRA STARTS TO PLAY
0:44:46 > 0:44:48That young man in the orchestra.
0:44:48 > 0:44:52- FRENCH ACCENT: - Yes? What about him?
0:44:52 > 0:44:55- Is his hand cold?- I don't think so.
0:44:55 > 0:44:59Then why has he shoved it up his bugle?
0:44:59 > 0:45:04- It is a French horn. He 'as to play it with 'is 'and up it.- Oh, I see.
0:45:04 > 0:45:10- I suppose that's because he can't reach it with his foot.- Oh-ho!
0:45:11 > 0:45:15Zis girl, she is a beautiful dancer.
0:45:15 > 0:45:20- Have you seen her Giselle? - I tried to once but I hurt my neck.
0:45:48 > 0:45:50Argh!
0:45:55 > 0:45:56Mademoiselle...
0:46:01 > 0:46:04Please, remain on your knees.
0:46:05 > 0:46:08You look like a pint of milk.
0:46:10 > 0:46:15Mademoiselle Roxanne, I saw you at ze theatre last night and...
0:46:15 > 0:46:23..fell instantly in love with me because never before had you seen so beautiful a woman. Pour me a drink.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26But of course.
0:46:26 > 0:46:28Aha! I've got a Hock.
0:46:28 > 0:46:32Well, put your head between your knees
0:46:32 > 0:46:35and don't forget to close your eyes. You're a big boy now.
0:46:44 > 0:46:49Ah, but, mademoiselle, I am so unworthy of you.
0:46:49 > 0:46:52How very true. Come in!
0:46:52 > 0:46:55LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR
0:46:58 > 0:47:03- Mademoiselle Roxanne!- How quaint. This one's already on his knees.
0:47:03 > 0:47:10- The meter is under the stairs. - I'm not the meter reader. Remember, I was at the theatre last night?
0:47:10 > 0:47:14- Yes, I remember.- She remembers me!
0:47:14 > 0:47:22- Mademoiselle, I don't know how to say I love you!- Try.- Try? - I love Roxanne! I'll have your life.
0:47:22 > 0:47:26You won't. I haven't finished with it yet!
0:47:26 > 0:47:33- You wouldn't say that if my friend Cyrano de Bergerac was here!- Is he coming here?- He's a great swordsman.
0:47:33 > 0:47:41- And he 'as a big 'ooter.- Why is the silly creature coming here? - I don't know but here he comes now.
0:48:03 > 0:48:11'Evening, all. Sorry I'm late. I've just been to the optician's and he said he couldn't see me.
0:48:25 > 0:48:33- Roxanne...as beautiful as ever. - Thank you. She's there. - Has this accident been reported?
0:48:33 > 0:48:35Madame, you're beautiful.
0:48:40 > 0:48:43Just how did your nose get so long?
0:48:43 > 0:48:48It was where my nanny used to lift me out of the bath.
0:48:48 > 0:48:50It could have been worse.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58Or better.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03- Roxanne...I love you. - Roxanne, I love you.
0:49:03 > 0:49:08I love you, Roxanne, but alas you are only a child.
0:49:08 > 0:49:11On my last birthday cake, there were 21 candles, weren't there?
0:49:11 > 0:49:16- There was on my slice. - You bounder!
0:49:16 > 0:49:18It's the way he tells 'em!
0:49:18 > 0:49:26- Perhaps you would like to feel ze edge of my blade.- I'm ready when you are, Mr Wilkinson.
0:49:26 > 0:49:33- You long-nosed fool! - NOBODY calls me a long-nosed fool. - Don't let him insult your conk.
0:49:33 > 0:49:40- Nobody insults this and gets away with it.- NOBODY makes nasty remarks about his snitch.- Yes.
0:49:40 > 0:49:47- You must have satisfaction.- You're very kind but I'll see to him first. - I'll deal with this Nancy-boy.
0:49:47 > 0:49:50- Ho-ho-ho-ho.- It's the way he walks.
0:49:52 > 0:49:55You coward!
0:49:56 > 0:49:59BOTH: Thrust, parry.
0:49:59 > 0:50:03- Laurel!- Hardy! Little and Large!- Argh!
0:50:04 > 0:50:06Oh!
0:50:07 > 0:50:12- Is he dead? - No, no, he always looks like that.
0:50:12 > 0:50:15- Oh, excuse me!- Certainly.
0:50:15 > 0:50:17Oh-h!
0:50:19 > 0:50:24- Mademoiselle, I throw myself at your feet.- I should like that.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27It's not fair. He'd be there before me.
0:50:27 > 0:50:32- Are you looking at my legs? - No. I'm above that.
0:50:32 > 0:50:37- What would I have to give you for a little kiss?- Chloroform.
0:50:41 > 0:50:48- Mademoiselle, everything I have is yours.- Would you like to buy a magnifying glass?
0:50:48 > 0:50:53- Where did you get those beautiful eyes?- They came with the face.
0:50:53 > 0:51:01- It's a beautiful perfume. What is it?- £20 an ounce.- Smell that. - What's that?- Gravy. 20p a gallon.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05Oh!
0:51:05 > 0:51:12I want a man who's strong as a lion, extremely handsome and as wise as Solomon.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15Lucky we met.
0:51:17 > 0:51:24- If I married you, what would happen when I reached forty? - I'd change you for two twenties.
0:51:24 > 0:51:29- Would you like a little drink? - I'll help myself to a lager.
0:51:29 > 0:51:32- They're all at it, you know.- Yes.
0:51:32 > 0:51:34Is it Harp?
0:51:40 > 0:51:44AUDIENCE LAUGHTER DROWNS HIS WORDS
0:51:57 > 0:52:05- This is the beer that reaches parts other beers can't reach.- You've had 4 pints.- It's still not got there.
0:52:05 > 0:52:11- However...will you love me...when I'm old and ugly?- Of course I do.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15- That's not what I said. - I'm going home.
0:52:15 > 0:52:22- Yes, I don't blame you. - Your cheque's in the post.- Sit down. Take the weight off your nose.
0:52:26 > 0:52:34- #- Look at you.- Look at me. - Wish that we could always be - ..so young
0:52:34 > 0:52:39- #- So gay. - That's him...today.
0:52:39 > 0:52:44- #- Look ahead - Can't you see...
0:52:44 > 0:52:47- #- ..what our future's going to be?
0:52:47 > 0:52:51- #- When I'm not young - And he's not gay
0:52:51 > 0:52:54- #- To me he'll always seem that way
0:52:54 > 0:52:58- #- Some day your figure is bound to spread
0:52:58 > 0:53:02# Your fallen arches will drop like lead
0:53:02 > 0:53:08- #- You'll find your beautiful smile has fled - No hair on top of your shiny head
0:53:08 > 0:53:13- #- Don't let the wrinkles upset you - I'll still be happy I met you
0:53:13 > 0:53:20# Darn it, baby, that's lo-o-ove.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23- #- Some day you're gonna have chins to spare
0:53:23 > 0:53:27- #- Where are the muscles that once were there?
0:53:27 > 0:53:33- #- You'll sit and rock in your rockin' chair - Gosh, you'll be a gruesome pair
0:53:33 > 0:53:39# Though you're a physical wreck, dear, I'll still be happy to neck, dear
0:53:39 > 0:53:44# Darn it, baby, that's lo-o-ove. #
0:53:59 > 0:54:02DEEP VOICE Despite the fake leg.
0:54:02 > 0:54:07# Some day your memory's gonna fail You'll be exhausted when you inhale
0:54:07 > 0:54:10- #- You'll need bifocals to read the mail
0:54:10 > 0:54:14# I'll find your jokes a wee bit stale
0:54:14 > 0:54:19- #- Called June and look like December - It's May, I'm gonna remember
0:54:19 > 0:54:25# You will always be my turtle do-ve
0:54:25 > 0:54:31- # It's me for you - And you for me, - Collecting social security. #
0:54:31 > 0:54:37- Mouche! - # Darn it, baby, that's... #- Mouche! - # Darn it, baby, that's... #- Halt!
0:54:37 > 0:54:44# Darn it, baby, that's lo-o-o-ove. #
0:55:02 > 0:55:04APPLAUSE
0:55:12 > 0:55:15Now can I do the staircase?
0:55:15 > 0:55:22- You promised that I could walk down the staircase like they do in Hollywood.- Yes.- Hollywood?- Yes.
0:55:22 > 0:55:29- Not Cricklewood?- No, Hollywood. - It's been arranged, hasn't it? - Ready when you are.- Step this way.
0:55:29 > 0:55:32- Thank you.- Thank you very much.
0:55:35 > 0:55:38ORCHESTRA IS PLAYING
0:56:33 > 0:56:40- I can't get down there. I suffer from vertigo.- She suffers from vertigo. That's wind, isn't it?
0:56:40 > 0:56:43I don't like heights.
0:56:43 > 0:56:51- If you get down there, and I'll come down and she'll climb down. - I can't climb down in this dress.
0:56:51 > 0:56:54My hand! Where is it? It's where it shouldn't be.
0:56:54 > 0:56:59- I can't climb down in this dress. - Do something with it.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02- It's been specially made.- I know.
0:57:02 > 0:57:07- If you just climb down here. - I really don't like heights at all.
0:57:07 > 0:57:12- Now, can you get that leg down? - I'll hold on to her.
0:57:14 > 0:57:17- Dignity at all times.- Yes.
0:57:20 > 0:57:23This one...
0:57:24 > 0:57:27Where's my hand?
0:57:29 > 0:57:31Lovely...oh!
0:57:31 > 0:57:36- Yes, fine. How are we doing now? - I've got you.
0:57:37 > 0:57:40There we are. Right.
0:57:40 > 0:57:43- I don't think...- Yes...
0:57:45 > 0:57:47Keep smiling.
0:57:50 > 0:57:53Now...let's go forward.
0:57:57 > 0:58:02- I've had enough of this.- Had enough? - Yes, I have. I'm going home.
0:58:03 > 0:58:07- What did we do wrong? - Who's upset Penelope?
0:58:07 > 0:58:15- I don't know.- Something's upset her. - She did the walk down the stairs. - Dignity.- Yes.- Gently.
0:58:35 > 0:58:40# Bring me sunshine...in your smile
0:58:40 > 0:58:45# Bring me laughter...all the while
0:58:45 > 0:58:49# In this world where we live
0:58:49 > 0:58:52# There should be more happiness
0:58:52 > 0:58:55# So much joy you can give
0:58:55 > 0:58:59# To each brand new, bright tomorrow
0:58:59 > 0:59:04# Make me happy...through the years
0:59:04 > 0:59:09# Never bring me...any tears
0:59:09 > 0:59:13# Let your arms be as warm
0:59:13 > 0:59:16# As the sun from up above
0:59:16 > 0:59:19# Bring me fun, bring me sunshine
0:59:19 > 0:59:22# Bring me lo-o-o-ove. #
1:00:19 > 1:00:23Subtitles by Dorothy Moore BBC Scotland 1993
1:00:40 > 1:00:43RADIO ON
1:00:48 > 1:00:54# Something in the way she moves
1:00:56 > 1:01:02# Attracts me like no other lover
1:01:02 > 1:01:08# Something in her style that shows me
1:01:08 > 1:01:12# I don't want to leave her now
1:01:12 > 1:01:17# You know I believe and how... #
1:01:18 > 1:01:21Excuse me, ladies.
1:01:21 > 1:01:25# Do stick around now it may show... #
1:01:25 > 1:01:27Yes?
1:01:27 > 1:01:29Can I have a word with you?
1:01:29 > 1:01:33- Turn that rubbish off. - RADIO OFF
1:01:33 > 1:01:40- It's Elton John.- Eh?- I'm supposed to be doing the Morecambe and Wise Show.- They're finished.
1:01:40 > 1:01:48- We're the cleaners. The whole thing's finished. They've gone. - No, I'm doing the show.
1:01:48 > 1:01:55- You're too late.- They've all gone. The show's over. The one with the glasses was marvellous!
1:01:55 > 1:02:00I liked the little one. They didn't do one joke about Des O'Connor.
1:02:00 > 1:02:07- But they promised me I was going to be on the show. - Oh, well, take it up with them.
1:02:07 > 1:02:11- I was going to do a new song. - Really?
1:02:11 > 1:02:18- They wouldn't do that to me, would they?- I don't know them that well.- We just clean, you see.
1:02:18 > 1:02:23Well, I might as well do it. Do you want to hear a song?
1:02:23 > 1:02:27- I've been all over the place. - In that suit?
1:02:59 > 1:03:04- #- Oh, my love
1:03:04 > 1:03:09- #- I have cursed the stars above
1:03:10 > 1:03:18- #- That led my heart to you
1:03:20 > 1:03:26- #- But as hard as I try
1:03:26 > 1:03:31- #- Still my love will not die
1:03:32 > 1:03:40- #- And the stars still shine on through
1:03:43 > 1:03:50- #- And the stars still shine on through
1:03:55 > 1:03:59- #- Oh, my dear,
1:04:00 > 1:04:05- #- Now the ship's too hard to steer
1:04:06 > 1:04:13- #- The tide has turned, turned on you
1:04:16 > 1:04:22- #- I have been through the lies
1:04:22 > 1:04:27- #- That I've seen in your eyes
1:04:28 > 1:04:36- #- But the truth, it still shines on through
1:04:38 > 1:04:46- #- But the truth, it still shines on through
1:04:49 > 1:04:55- #- So shine, shine on through
1:04:55 > 1:04:59- #- The time we have to fill
1:05:00 > 1:05:05- #- Though we took our love so daringly
1:05:05 > 1:05:11- #- And gave it up uncaringly
1:05:11 > 1:05:18- #- There are feelings left Not even we can kill
1:05:18 > 1:05:21- #- Oh-h...
1:05:22 > 1:05:26- #- Oh, my friend
1:05:26 > 1:05:31- #- So at last we reach the end
1:05:32 > 1:05:39- #- The lights go down on cue
1:05:42 > 1:05:47- #- I have wasted my time
1:05:47 > 1:05:52- #- But it tasted oh so fine
1:05:53 > 1:06:00- #- That my love still shines on through
1:06:04 > 1:06:11- #- But my love still shines, shines on through
1:06:17 > 1:06:25- #- Still shines, shines on throu-ou-ough.- #
1:06:29 > 1:06:32That was what I was going to sing on the Morecambe and Wise Show.
1:06:32 > 1:06:35It's a good job you didn't.
1:06:36 > 1:06:40- Come on, we'd better get to... - LOUD SNEEZE