0:00:02 > 0:00:04BIRDS CHIRPING
0:00:06 > 0:00:08THEME TUNE STARTS
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# You put the washing out it rains
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# Your legs are full of aches and pains
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# The crime rate's soaring in your street
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Or cul-de-sac
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# So let the happy times begin
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# Cos Mrs Merton's here again
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# She'll share the joy that's in her heart
0:00:31 > 0:00:33# Throughout the world. #
0:00:33 > 0:00:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:37THEME TUNE PLAYS
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Hello, I'm Mrs Merton, and welcome to the show.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06My guests tonight are of such a high calibre we nearly didn't get them.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08But who can refuse 2,000 quid
0:01:08 > 0:01:10and a chance to show off to millions of people?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Not Steve Coogan, that's for sure.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15LAUGHTER So, he's on the show.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Now, every woman's dream is to marry Paul Daniels.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21This dream came true for the lovely Debbie McGee,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23and she'll be popping up later,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27so that will please my regular band, Hooky and the Boys.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30GUITAR INSTRUMENTAL
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Quite musical, that. LAUGHTER
0:01:34 > 0:01:37They didn't half perk up a bit when I told them Debbie was on,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40and you can't move here for the stench of Old Spice.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43You know, normally they don't wash.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44But without further ado,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47here's a man who came third in the Olympics,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49but he's coming first here tonight.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Ladies and gentlemen, Kriss Akabusi.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55MUSIC AND APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Oh, lovely.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Oh, well, nice to meet you, ma'am.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07How lovely. Oh, sit down.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08KRISS LAUGHS
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Oh, it's lovely to have you on. Lovely aftershave.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:15 > 0:02:18They can smell it back there. Just for you, just for you, ma'am.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20So, Kriss Akabusi.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Now, I'm not David Coleman.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25You know... LAUGHTER
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Anybody will tell you that.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30You're far good-looking... Much better looking. Ah, thank you, Kriss.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34But, you know, I do take an avid interest in sport, obviously.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38So, Kriss Akabusi, what do you do, sports-wise?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I've just been transferred to Man United.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I'm playing centre-forward. Oh...
0:02:48 > 0:02:49LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:51APPLAUSE
0:02:51 > 0:02:53That's very funny.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57So, what sort of thing? It was running, wasn't it?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Every now and again. I'm only running to the toilet now, but, yes...
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I used to run when I was on the track, and did hurdles, by the way.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08And the hurdles as well. Didn't you see the entrance when I jumped... I did, it was marvellous.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Shall I do it again? No.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I was trying to watch it, but it was the aftershave...
0:03:13 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:18But tell us, when did you realise first that you could run?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER Um...
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I suppose really it was my mother who realised, because I, um,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26you know, dribbled down her breast when I was...
0:03:26 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:30No, I was a breast-fed baby, you see. That's what I meant. Oh, were you?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33But actually... I wasn't actually asking you that.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Take me through a typical race.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39You know, you're all lined up there with your feet in them clamps...
0:03:39 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:44What's going through your mind, Kriss Akabusi?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Um, not too much, to be honest.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Because obviously, you know,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50this is the big thing. Um, all of a sudden,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52you hear the starter say, "On your marks!"
0:03:52 > 0:03:55And... And it's like..."Hoot!"
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Is that coming from you, that noise?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59LAUGHTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:04Is that a technique to put the other athletes off? Well...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07What it is, it's called... It's called a turbocharger.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11LAUGHTER I bet it is. I bet it is.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14But do you have to plan your tactics before the race,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18or do you just try and run faster than the other blokes?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Well, obviously, by the time you get to the track,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25if you're not ready to run fast, it's all history. Yes.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27But before the race, you do a lot of mental preparation,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29you get yourself in gear and you...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I mean, running gear as well as mental gear.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34And you prepare very hard, but when it comes to the big day,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37your mind goes blank, you just focus into what you've got to do,
0:04:37 > 0:04:41you hear the gun go bang and you run as fast as you can. Simple as that.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43It sounds very simple. LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Are you sure it wasn't for laughing you won your medal,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49not from running? KRISS LAUGHS
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I love people who laugh a lot at nothing.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Do you laugh a lot, Mrs Merton? Oh, I do,
0:04:53 > 0:04:54and a friend of mine, Lily,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57she laughs from getting up in the morning
0:04:57 > 0:04:58to going to bed at night, you know.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02She laughs at everything. She's a little bit simple, really.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:04 > 0:05:05But...
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Those Lycra shorts that they make you wear...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10LAUGHTER
0:05:10 > 0:05:13There's been, there's been a lot of fuss about those, hasn't there?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Do you think they're making a mountain out of a mole hill?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Well, maybe,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23that's the sort of question you ought to ask Mr Christie. Really?
0:05:23 > 0:05:24What I want to say, actually,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27they're a very important fashion accessory. I bet they are.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Before the old Lycra shorts came in,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33we used to have these real short shorts. Yes. Oh, I remember.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35You remember those very short shorts? I do, yes.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Back in your day, Mrs Merton. Yes.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Well, I can remember, one of my very first races,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41being a bigwig, everyone... Easy with the bigwig!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Being one of these top-class athletes... I don't think they got it.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Be as easy as you like with this. Go on.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50And I was in one of these very short shorts
0:05:50 > 0:05:52and we used to wear what we call athletic supports -
0:05:52 > 0:05:55jockstrap, in the common vernacular. AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS
0:05:55 > 0:05:59When the gun went bang - boom, I was out of here, running down the back straight. Eeeoow!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02All of a sudden I heard, twang! LAUGHTER
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Now, that wasn't my hamstring, Mrs Merton. That was my jockstrap.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08All of a sudden... Did it smart?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:10 > 0:06:14My face, it went a little bit red, Mrs Merton. I bet you did.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16And they went, ooh! LAUGHTER
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I was running down the back straight
0:06:18 > 0:06:20and I was trying to adjust myself properly.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23When I crossed that line - boom, I hear the car. See ya! Ooh!
0:06:23 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:27That's why now we wear those Lycra shorts...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I see, to hold it all... Hold it all in.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Do you know, this is in Manchester, of course,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and we were very upset when we didn't get the Olympic games.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Oh, yes. So was I, so was I.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40You guys in Manchester, I was very upset as well.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Well, we've got the drugs for them, haven't we?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Oh, Mrs Merton!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49APPLAUSE
0:06:50 > 0:06:51But...
0:06:51 > 0:06:53APPLAUSE
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Very topical, very topical.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57KRISS LAUGHS But...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Do you ever breathe in, Kriss?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:05You now... You present Record Breakers, don't you?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07What's that all about, then?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Uh... Breaking records.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Yeah, well, it's a show that's been going for a very long time,
0:07:13 > 0:07:14even when you were a little girl.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Maybe not quite when you were a little girl, Mrs Merton,
0:07:17 > 0:07:19but it's been going on for a very long time.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I've been involved with the programme for the last two years.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25You know what strikes me, when people break those records,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29isn't it a coincidence that Norris McWhirter's always there?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31He is, isn't he?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33He's all over the place. He is.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Norris is the man, he knows. It's intuition, he knows.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38In fact, you don't know, Mrs Merton,
0:07:38 > 0:07:39but he is going to be here tonight
0:07:39 > 0:07:43because yours is going to be a record-breaking show, Mrs Merton!
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Are you on something?
0:07:46 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:47 > 0:07:51I'm in Manchester, so it must be in the air. I think it is.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53But my friend, Lily,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56she tried to get in to the Guinness Book Of Records
0:07:56 > 0:07:59for having the longest beard in the north west.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03They said there was no category for that,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06and apparently Judith Chalmers is always ringing up...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER
0:08:08 > 0:08:11..to get in. So, something there for you to think about.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14But when they don't actually break these records,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17you can't help but laugh, can you? You know?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20When you think of the time they spent practising.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21That's life though, isn't it? It is.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24A record wouldn't be a record if it wasn't hard to break. No.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26That's what we say to all our record-breakers,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28that if you don't do it, don't worry.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Thousands have tried and thousands have failed.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Welcome to the bunch. And does that help them? No. No!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Can I say to you, most sportsmen, you know,
0:08:38 > 0:08:39they don't have personalities.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Sebastian Coe springs to mind.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45But can I just say, and this is why I like you so much,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48you're oozing personality out of every orifice.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You really are. Can I blow my nose?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Ladies and gentlemen, will you thank Kriss Akabusi!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59APPLAUSE
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Unlike her husband, Paul Daniels,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11who's known for his cunning stunts,
0:09:11 > 0:09:15my next guest is known for her stunning costumes.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Ladies and gentlemen,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20please welcome Debbie McGee.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22APPLAUSE
0:09:32 > 0:09:36I can't believe you've only just met.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38This is my Christmas present all over again!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I just couldn't resist that!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Was that a trick?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I think that's what they call it in America.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Now Paul's not here you're anyone's.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56So, Debbie, very pleasing on the eye, if I might say so.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I think Kriss has realised that.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Thank you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02But what first, Debbie,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:12APPLAUSE
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Well...
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Well, do you really want to know the truth? Yes, I do.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Paul married me for my money.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30APPLAUSE
0:10:33 > 0:10:37But, in fact, when I first... How I met Paul was that I worked with him.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40But I had no idea who he was or what he did.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I'd lived out of the country and he'd become famous. Yes.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47And I was a dancer and I auditioned for his show but I never met Paul.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50No. Then they said, "It's the Paul Daniels show,"
0:10:50 > 0:10:52so I had to ring up my friend and say... "Who is he?"
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I've got this job with this guy called Paul Daniels.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57What does he do? They said, "He's a magician."
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I said, "Oh, no. I hate magicians." I've got four months of this.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04But then, you see, his looks and sex appeal attracted me.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Won you over.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09No, I think of you both as our vision of David Copperfield
0:11:09 > 0:11:11and Claudia Schiffer,
0:11:11 > 0:11:12but, you know, on a lower budget.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Do you get compared to them two? All the time.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20It's very confusing for people actually.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23They mistake me for Claudia Schiffer. I know, it's terrible.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25And Paul for David Copperfield. I bet they do.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I once saw David Copperfield
0:11:27 > 0:11:30and he made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34And I've seen your Paul do the same thing with the eight of clubs.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38So, something there for us to think about.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42But, Debbie, we all know you as Paul Daniels's assistant,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44but what people don't know is you're a person in your own right.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Aren't you? Yes, here I am.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Lovely.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Ogling you there.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Tell us about that. About me? Yes.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59Well, now, people are going to get to know that I'm a person even more
0:11:59 > 0:12:02because we're doing a new TV show called Secrets. Oh, yes?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05It's a nightclub and we both co-host it.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07So, where in the past they haven't let me talk,
0:12:07 > 0:12:11they've now given me a mic and they're starting to regret it,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13because I come on and tell jokes. Do you?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15And interrupt Paul and say, "Look, I don't like that trick,
0:12:15 > 0:12:19"let's do something else," or, "What are you doing?"
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Do you do tricks for each other at home? Does he make things...
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Does he make things pop up willy-nilly?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27LAUGHTER
0:12:27 > 0:12:30This is called the nice Mrs Merton!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Yes.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Debbie, you know, we're taking magic very lightly here, aren't we?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44But it can actually be dangerous,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46and a friend of mine, Betty,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48she was once at a magic show
0:12:48 > 0:12:52and the magician, he produced a watch from behind her ear.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Do you know, something, Debbie, she's never been the same
0:12:55 > 0:12:59and she's now in a home where they can only feed her soup.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Does that worry you at all?
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Erm...
0:13:04 > 0:13:08No, I think I was affected before I got involved in it.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Really? But, you know, let me pose a hypothetical question to you.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Say, you wake up...
0:13:13 > 0:13:17That's a long word. It is, isn't it? But I got it out.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19That's magic, isn't it?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Say you wake up of a night and you're in your bed
0:13:21 > 0:13:23and you just wake up
0:13:23 > 0:13:26and you put your hand out to stroke Paul's little head
0:13:26 > 0:13:28and he's not there.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Do you look up and he's at the end of the bed
0:13:30 > 0:13:32pulling doves out of his pyjamas?
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Do you find that happens?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Yes. Quite a lot?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Quite a lot. Yes, he pulls things out of his pyjamas.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Actually, he doesn't wear pyjamas!
0:13:49 > 0:13:53We're finding out the truth now. I'm very honest.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55So, what does he wear?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58His birthday suit. His birthday...
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Oh, I'm feeling nauseous now.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02I've come over all nauseous.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08But my husband, he's a great fan of Paul Daniels.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13By the way, are you Paul Merton's mother? No, no, I'm not. Are you?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:17No, but my husband...
0:14:20 > 0:14:23My husband's a great fan of Paul Daniels.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25He really, really is.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28That and anything with Alan Titchmarsh in.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Any strong views on Alan Titchmarsh, Kriss?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34One way or the other?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Who's Alan Titchmarsh?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38You were on his show once. Was I?!
0:14:38 > 0:14:42No! On Pebble Mill... Sorry. Oh, I'm sorry!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Do you remember now? Yeah, nice guy.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Oh, lovely!
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Very memorable, isn't he?
0:14:52 > 0:14:56What I'm going to do with you now, Debbie,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59I'm going to throw you open to the general public in here
0:14:59 > 0:15:02and see what questions they'd like to ask you.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Who'd like to ask Debbie McGee a question?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06What about Jeff up there at the back?
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Debbie, I'd like to ask you,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10what's your favourite trick and do you ever get backache?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15That's a bit saucy, isn't it? It is a bit saucy, isn't it?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Don't answer it, don't... It's only Jeff.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Making rude people disappear. I think that's my favourite trick.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Do you know, I've seen Paul make you disappear on the telly.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Are you going to make Paul disappear,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32because that would guarantee a lot of viewers.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35So, any other questions for Debbie?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37What about this lady here with the glasses on?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41You know the one where you get sawn in half, how do you do that?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Debbie, how do you do that? Beautifully.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48You can't tell that lady then? I can't tell. I'd get the sack.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I would get chucked out of the Magic Circle.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55Has a trick ever gone wrong like that? Well, obviously not, but...
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Do you want to see the scars, do you? Kriss does!
0:15:59 > 0:16:03HE LAUGHS
0:16:03 > 0:16:04It's too much!
0:16:07 > 0:16:11We flew up... This is really funny.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13We flew up on the same plane together, but we didn't know...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16With the same crate of lager.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:21We didn't know who each other... Who we were. Bizarre.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24We both smiled and said hello. As you do.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28We came out of the airport, and headed for the same taxi man...
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Oh, yes, yes.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32We both looked at each other and thought,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34"Oh, we're travelling together!"
0:16:34 > 0:16:36And then you got the little "ping"!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"Oh, it's you." He said, "Oh, and it's you."
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I take it you'll be saying in the same hotel tonight.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Need we say more? Back to Paul Daniels.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I think you forgot him for the moment.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52You know when you're an assistant,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54you always look very, very glamorous.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55You always look lovely.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Do you choose those outfits yourself
0:16:57 > 0:16:59or does Paul have a hand in it?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I choose them. And I have them made,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08so I'm involved with the drawings and buying fabric and everything. Lovely.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Yeah, it's fun.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Ladies and gentlemen, will you thank the lovely Debbie McGee!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15APPLAUSE
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Hooky, did you like Debbie? She was lovely, yes.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Yeah, I saw you ogling her with them leather trousers on.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34So, Jean, are you all right there in that jacket?
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Yes, thank you.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37You don't want to take it off? No, thank you.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39You won't feel the benefit of it when you get out.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER
0:17:41 > 0:17:44My next guest has been described as Britain's tallest man.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Here to tell us why, please welcome Britain's tallest man,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Chris Greener.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52# I'm on the top of the world
0:17:52 > 0:17:55# Looking down on creation
0:17:55 > 0:17:57# For the only explanation
0:17:57 > 0:17:59# I can find... #
0:18:01 > 0:18:05There you are. Look at that difference!
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Lovely.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Sit down.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12It's lovely to have you on, Chris.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16It's lovely to be here. Oh, I wish I'd put my heels on, I really do!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18You can borrow mine if you like.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20You are tall, aren't you?
0:18:20 > 0:18:21So it says.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Do you think he's tall, Jean? I do.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26What about you, Ada, do you think he's tall?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Yes, a bit taller than me, isn't he?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30He is! Do you think he's tall - in the front?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Yeah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35They all do, Chris, they all do.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38So tell me, you're Britain's tallest man, aren't you?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40That's right.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42So how tall exactly are you?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Seven feet 6? inches.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Gosh! Are you the world's tallest man?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49No, the tallest man in the world is about an inch taller than me.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Oh, well keep trying. I will! LAUGHTER
0:18:52 > 0:18:56So, tell me, a lot of the ladies in the audience... Yes.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Are dying for me to ask you this question.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01LAUGHTER How big...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03is your wife?
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Would you say?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07I'm not married. Are you not? Oh!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Even with these long legs I can't still can't run fast enough.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Have you had to specially adapt your life
0:19:13 > 0:19:15to cope with your enormity?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16APPLAUSE
0:19:16 > 0:19:19At all, in any way? No, not really.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I haven't changed my house at all,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24it's still the same old house as it was when it was built.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I just duck when I go through the doorways. Do you? Yes.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30But you've done some films, haven't you?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32What films were they?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Probably the best-known film was Elephant Man. Elephant Man. Yes.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38What part were you in that?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I played the giant. The giant!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I did audition for the dwarf but the costume didn't fit!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46What other sort of films have you done?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I was in a film called Gun Bust,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50where I played a giant.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55You're getting typecast, aren't you? Yes.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Another film in Czechoslovakia called The Brave Little Tailor.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01You weren't the little tailor then?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03No. A giant again.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05LAUGHTER
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Do you like animals, Chris?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Do I like animals? Yes. I love them.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Do you? Yes.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Why are baboons bottoms so red?
0:20:14 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:17It's something I always wonder about.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20It's funny you should say that because, actually,
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I've been wondering about that as well.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I take it you've never done anything to stunt your growth,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28like smoking or any other...
0:20:28 > 0:20:33No, no. See, Bernard, this could have been you! You know.
0:20:33 > 0:20:38It's been marvellous having you on, Chris, it really, really has.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39If you get any taller, Chris,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42will you come back and tell us all about it?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Will you? I'd be delighted to.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Ladies and gentlemen, will you thank Chris Greener!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Thank you very much.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54APPLAUSE
0:20:58 > 0:21:00How tall are you, Ada?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02About five foot, I think, now.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Five foot, give her a round of applause!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:13My next guest started off putting on funny hats
0:21:13 > 0:21:16and doing silly voices to entertain his family.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20He now entertains the nation doing exactly the same thing.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Let's have a madcap five minutes
0:21:22 > 0:21:25in the company of award-winning funny man Steve Coogan.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28# Welcome to the house of fun
0:21:28 > 0:21:30# Now I've come of age
0:21:30 > 0:21:33# Welcome to the house of fun. #
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Thank you, lovely!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Sit down.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41It's lovely. Lovely to have you on.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45And you are a big hit in the world of comedy
0:21:45 > 0:21:48with the younger element, aren't you?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50But a lot of the older people,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52they have absolutely no clue...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54as to who you are.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Who are you, Steve?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Who am I? I'm Steve Coogan.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Steve Coogan.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I do funny voices and funny characters on television.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04You do indeed, don't you?
0:22:04 > 0:22:08And, of course, you started off on Spitting Image, didn't you? Mm-hm.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10As an impressionist. Tell us about that.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Well, Spitting Image is basically...
0:22:12 > 0:22:16It's a programme with rubber puppets, you see.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17How do you get into them?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19LAUGHTER
0:22:19 > 0:22:22It's a very tight fit. It is! I bet it is!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25But tell us what voices you did on there. I did Neil Kinnock.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Neil Kinnock.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28AS NEIL KINNOCK: I did Neil Kinnock,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31with his lovely, round, Welsh voice, shouting very loudly like that!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35That's marvellous. Who else did you do? Ronnie Corbett. Oh, do Ronnie.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Would we like to see Ronnie Corbett? ALL: Yes!
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Do Ronnie Corbett.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41AS RONNIE CORBETT: Good evening. Ha-ha-ha!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Good evening and welcome...
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Ha-ha-ha! Good heavens.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48It's remarkable!
0:22:48 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Can you do Frank Spencer?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59HE SNIGGERS
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Oh, go on, we'd love to see it.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Because a lot of these older people tonight,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07they've come a long way, in a specially adapted coach,
0:23:07 > 0:23:08just see you.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10And it would be a treat for them.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Do you want me to do Harold Wilson as well? Yes. All the topical ones.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Do Frank Spencer.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17AS FRANK SPENCER: Nnnnh.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Shall I put it over there or do it in the morning?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22That's marvellous.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I wish they'd bring him back.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29But now, of course, you've started moving on to do characters,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31and you do Alan Partridge,
0:23:31 > 0:23:35which is a made-up character who hosts a chat show.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39That's a very unusual idea, isn't it? But very successful.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Tell me, did you enjoy playing Alan?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43It was great fun, it was great fun.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48Because, of course, you get to make fun of your guests.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50You enjoy that, do you?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Sound familiar? No, not at all.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56No, I did watch it and I thought it was very, very good.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01But, you know, I think you will be as big as Mike Yarwood one day.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I really do.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06I'll look forward to that.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Everybody loves to laugh, don't they?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10We all love to laugh.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Do you think that's helped you in your career as a comedian?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Yeah, yeah. It's amazing,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20because you know that if people are laughing at what you do...
0:24:20 > 0:24:21They like it. They like it.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23And if they're not laughing... They don't.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25LAUGHTER
0:24:25 > 0:24:29But, you know, now you've got all this new-found wealth,
0:24:29 > 0:24:33all this money, you've not gone and blown it on a fast sports car,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36like a Porsche, have you, or anything like that?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38What kind of car do you drive, Steve?
0:24:38 > 0:24:39A Porsche.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Was that your Porsche you were driving earlier?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Only I saw Hooky and the Boys,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49they were putting a stripe on it with their keys.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51It's a go-faster stripe.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54It was, it was, you've them to thank for that.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Oh, Steve, hang on a minute there. You're doing very well, don't go.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Nick, has that Debbie McGee gone?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Yes. Do Paul Daniels for us.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06LAUGHTER
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Go on, we'd love to see it.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11AS PAUL DANIELS: Now you will like this, not a lot but you'll like it.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14APPLAUSE
0:25:14 > 0:25:16That's marvellous!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24We had the tallest man on before you.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I don't know whether you saw him, did you see him?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Yes, I did, he was very tall. He was tall.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Could you impersonate somebody that tall?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Erm... I'll have a go.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Oh, yes!
0:25:39 > 0:25:42APPLAUSE
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Actually, I like to rise to a challenge. You do.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Who'd have thought standing on a couch could be so funny! It was.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55You young, up-and-coming comedians.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58But how would you impersonate a man like him,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00what sort of voice would you do for him?
0:26:00 > 0:26:04What, for a tall man? LAUGHTER
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Yes.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I'd do a very tall voice, I'd go, "Ohh, I'm tall!"
0:26:10 > 0:26:12But most comedians,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15behind their happy, happy face,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17there is a sad secret.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19What's your sad secret?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Get it out on national television, give it an opening.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I've got a bit of flab around my waist.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Can we see it? No.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32Do Frank Spencer again then. AS FRANK SPENCER: Oooh, Betty!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I'm going to throw you open at this point, Steve Coogan,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I'm going to throw you open to the general public.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38So, Bernard, what would you like to ask?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Did you have a particular person in mind
0:26:40 > 0:26:42to use as a model for Alan Partridge?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44That's a good question.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Well, lots of people from all over the broadcasting world.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50People like Alan Titchmarsh,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54who you mentioned earlier, David Coleman, Terry Wogan,
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Terry Christian.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Other people called Terry.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00It's very good. A little smidgen of you in there as well.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Really? Which bit?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Any other questions to Steve Coogan? What about this lady here?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Can you do Jeremy Paxman? Jeremy Paxman.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15DRAWLS LIKE JEREMY PAXMAN: Yeassss, and now on Newsnight...
0:27:15 > 0:27:18he'd sort of accentuate the odd word
0:27:18 > 0:27:19for no apparent reason.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22So, erm... Sorry, is that not funny?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24No, it was very good.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I'm just desperately trying to remember who Jeremy Paxman is!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30I'm sure it's just like him.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Like Jeremy Beadle but a bit more serious.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Can you do Jeremy Beadle? No.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Oh, what a shame.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39So, Steve, it's been lovely to talk about you.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Did you ever dream, years and years ago,
0:27:41 > 0:27:45you'd be on the same show as Kriss Akabusi, Debbie McGee,
0:27:45 > 0:27:46and a big, tall man?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Did you? I did, funnily enough.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Do you know something, Stephen,
0:27:51 > 0:27:55and I really mean this, you don't look out of place, you really don't.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Coogan!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Well, that's all for this week.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14I'd like to thank all my guests tonight,
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Kriss Akabusi, Debbie McGee,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Chris Greener and Steve Coogan.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Take it away, Hooky and the Boys!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24# Put the washing out in rain
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# Your legs are full of aches and pains
0:28:27 > 0:28:31# The crime rate's soaring in your street
0:28:31 > 0:28:34# Or cul-de-sac
0:28:34 > 0:28:37# So let the happy times begin
0:28:37 > 0:28:41# Cos Mrs Merton's here again
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# She'll share a joy that's in her heart
0:28:44 > 0:28:46# Throughout the world. #
0:28:58 > 0:29:01On your marks. Get set. Bake!
0:29:01 > 0:29:03I've got to be at the top of my game, you know.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Stay focused, keep my feet on the ground, just keep grafting.