0:00:02 > 0:00:03Harry Enfield, Jon Culshaw,
0:00:03 > 0:00:05Catherine Tate,
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Richard Wilson,
0:00:07 > 0:00:08James Corden,
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Rob Brydon,
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Miranda Hart,
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Matt Lucas,
0:00:14 > 0:00:15Robert Lindsay,
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Jocelyn Jee Esien,
0:00:17 > 0:00:18David Walliams
0:00:18 > 0:00:20and Charlotte Church in...
0:00:23 > 0:00:25And here he is!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Ronnie Corbett!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Oh, dear!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Thank you very much, thank you very much. Oh, dear! Thought I'd never get here.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Anyway... No, I keep fitter than you think, you know.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05To be honest, I have my own treadmill at home.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I'm only doing widths at the moment.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Welcome anyway...welcome to this very special birthday show.
0:01:15 > 0:01:20I must say it's given me quite a thrill to be back here at the BBC.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25By the way, there was a disaster in the West End tonight... you may have heard,
0:01:25 > 0:01:29when Wasps, The Musical opened
0:01:29 > 0:01:33and the entire cast got stuck behind the curtain.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35LAUGHTER
0:01:35 > 0:01:38And it is rumoured...it is rumoured
0:01:38 > 0:01:44that the publishers have recalled the long-awaited book on the history of Sellotape.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Apparently, no-one can find the beginning.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Thank you.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Anyway...
0:01:54 > 0:02:00a grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans,
0:02:00 > 0:02:04two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Now, his family have made an emotional appeal for him
0:02:09 > 0:02:12not to come home for at least a fortnight.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Thank you.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25I bought something from you last week and I'm very disappointed.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Oh, yeah? What's the problem? - Yeah, well...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30my blackberry is not working.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40What's the matter, then? Run out of juice?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44No, no, it's completely frozen...
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Oh, yeah, I can see that.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I'll tell you what, let's try it on orange.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58That's got a few black spots, you see there?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Oh, dear, yeah. Sorry about that.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Are you going to get my blackberry working?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Well, it could be an application issue.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Where do you store that blackberry?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Well, it's on my desktop.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Well, you could try using a mouse to drag the blackberry to the trash.
0:03:17 > 0:03:23Then, after you've done that, you might want to launch the blackberry from the desktop.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Well, I've already tried that a few times.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I mean, all it did was mess up windows.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Well, it might be worth waiting a couple of weeks. They've got the latest blackberries coming in then.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Could you give me a date?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Certainly.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Let me put that date in my diary.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Anything else I can help you with?
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Yes, yes...I've also got a problem, to be honest...with my apple.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57- Oh, dear, oh, dear! That is an old apple, isn't it?- Yeah. - When d'you buy that?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- Last week.- Last week? They've brought out two new apples since then!
0:04:03 > 0:04:08- What's the problem with it?- Well, I tried to put my dongle in it and it won't fit.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Oh, yeah?
0:04:16 > 0:04:17And how big's your dongle?
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Well, I don't know much about these things,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24but my wife's seen a few dongles in her time...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28..and she says a little bit on the small side.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I'm afraid there's not a lot I can do about that.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Tell you what... let me try booting it.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37SMASH!
0:04:39 > 0:04:40That is crashed!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Anything else I can help you with?
0:04:46 > 0:04:51- Well, funnily enough, yes. It's my grandson's birthday soon. - Oh, yeah?
0:04:51 > 0:04:56Now he's already got an apple and a blackberry. I mean, have you got anything that he might just like?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Well, we're doing a special offer on these.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I mean, I can't make head or tail of them. But the kids seem to like them.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Oh, yeah?- Eggs-box.
0:05:03 > 0:05:053.60.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Hello, Bert, what are you having?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Hello, Sue.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Er, I'm going to have half...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Half of bitter?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20No, er...half of...
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- Half of mild?- No, half...
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Arthur C Clarke's Mysterious World?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28No, no, half of lager for me, thanks.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29So...
0:05:29 > 0:05:31what's happened to you, then?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I was sat at home last night with my...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- Girlfriend?- No, no, with my...
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Boyfriend?
0:05:38 > 0:05:43No! With my wife. And we both felt...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Frisky?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48No, no, we both felt...er...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Like a natural woman?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52No, bored!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55So we thought we'd put on... we'd put on...
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Put on the oven?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58No, put on...
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Some lederhosen?
0:06:02 > 0:06:06No, put on the television, so we put it on.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Unfortunately, the only thing we could get was that awful...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Jeremy Kyle!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12No, no, that awful...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Jeremy Clarkson!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17No, that awful snow you get...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Jon Snow.- No, no, no, no, no.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20- Peter Snow.- No.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25No, the snow you get, you know, on the screen, you know, when you can't get any...
0:06:25 > 0:06:27When you just can't get any!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29No!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31No, when you can't get any picture!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- Oh, right!- Yeah.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35So I got out my...
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Your magic wand?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39No, I got out my...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Your turkey baster!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44No, no, I got out my...
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Tiny mind?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47No, no, I got out my ladder, didn't I?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Oh, your ladder, yeah!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50I needed to fix the...
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Outcome of the cricket match.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01No... No, I needed to fix the aerial, you see, didn't I?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04The aerial? Well, yeah, you've got to fix the aerial.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07But while I was on the roof, I slipped and fell on...
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- Your sword?- No, I slipped and fell on...
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- Hard times?- No, I slipped and fell
0:07:14 > 0:07:18on the ground and felt this terrible pain and realised I'd broken...
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- A record?- No, I'd broken...- Wind?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26No, I'd broken me arm!
0:07:26 > 0:07:31Oh? So you tried to fix the telly, fell off the roof and broke your arm?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- Yeah!- Well, why didn't you just say?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Well, I would've done if you'd just let me finish my...
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- First novel?- No.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39- Difficult second album?- No.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Degree in sports psychology?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43No, no...
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Loft conversion?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45No!
0:07:45 > 0:07:50Sentences! I would have got there quicker if you'd just let me finish my own sentences.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I didn't say a word!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58APPLAUSE
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Oh...thank you. Thank you. More than I deserve.
0:08:10 > 0:08:17Now, my first guest tonight is the somewhat controversial explorer, welcome, please, Sir Hilary Bray!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20APPLAUSE
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Please.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28So...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33So, Sir Hilary... welcome to the show.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Well, thank you very much, Parkinson.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39If I may say, my new book, I Went To The North Pole,
0:08:39 > 0:08:46is available now in hardback from all good bookshops everywhere. Has everyone got a good look at it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:53Yes, yes, I'm sure we've all seen the book. So, Sir Hilary, you've just returned from the North Pole.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Yes, indeed, yes. It was absolutely freezing.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Really, really nippy. You know, you had to wrap up.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07I see. So, I mean, how cold exactly was it?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11It was colder even than when you go past the ice-cream section of Waitrose, you know.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Oh, very cold!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16So, tell me, how did you survive there?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Well, you see, there's no shops.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I mean, no shops at all.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I think the nearest Tesco's...
0:09:24 > 0:09:27was about a couple of hours away by husky,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29so I had to bring my own packed lunch.
0:09:30 > 0:09:37A packed lunch? Well, you see, Sir Hilary, I'm not sure whether you went to the North Pole at all.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39How dare you? I mean, look!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42There's pictures here to prove that I really went.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Look at that!
0:09:45 > 0:09:50You see, it looks to me like you've made the whole thing up in order to sell your book.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Well, that is outrageous! Of course I went to the North Pole.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56And you can read about my trip in the book,
0:09:56 > 0:10:01- priced just £14.99!- I'm not going to be part of this charade any more!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04You are quite clearly a fraud who is here just to sell something!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Which you can read about in my new book
0:10:06 > 0:10:11My Worst Ever Guests by Sir Michael Parkinson!
0:10:11 > 0:10:16Well, it seems to me that you are the one who wants to sell something as well...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18as you can read in my new book
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Michael Parkinson Just Wants To Sell You A Book.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27No, no, no, you are quite wrong. Otherwise why would I have written this new book...
0:10:27 > 0:10:32Don't Listen To Him. I Know My Last Book Was A Bit Of A Cash-In But This Really Is A Good Book.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Well, how about this?
0:10:34 > 0:10:40Michael Parkinson Drinks Like A Fish And He Made A Pass At Me In The Dressing Room.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Well, I go on to talk about that at length in my newest book...
0:10:45 > 0:10:49I'm Very Sorry. I Had Too Much Wine And Mistook Him For Lulu.
0:10:49 > 0:10:55Well, that, thankfully, is all we've got time for. Until next time, a very good night. Good night.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57APPLAUSE
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Big Joe?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10I haven't seen you in 25 years.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11We're getting the band back together.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Who's in?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Stevie, Jo-Jo, Dermo...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Timmy P, Curly, Lenny the Leg...
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Margaret Simmons, Nobbo, Dr Rock...
0:11:24 > 0:11:28..Steve the Sting, Mr Pickles, Mummy, the Captain, Piercey,
0:11:28 > 0:11:33Metal Mickey, Bony Bill, Smudger, Rocky, Nazi Eric,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Ginger Nut, Gary the Glue...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Outside Dave, Inside Dave,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40The Thing, Nicky 42, The Duke,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Fat Tony, Thin Tony,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Middle-Sized Tony...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47..Bed Bath, Filthy Phil,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Mental Ken, Flaky, Black Bob, Lord Sugar...
0:11:50 > 0:11:55Charlie the Chuckle, The Gambler, Abbey Norman, Coins,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58The Baby, Thumbnails, Frogger, The Tank...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Wet Patch...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04..Barry the Bum, Zod, Hannah and her sisters,
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Supergran, The Horse Whisperer, Popeye, Dick The Duck,
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Armpits, Big Dipper, Oily, Transgender Terry,
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Mr Person, Wee Willie Winkie, Tommy the Turd
0:12:16 > 0:12:18and Bob.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Are you in?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25No, it's either the whole band or nothing.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- APPLAUSE - Thank you very much.
0:12:31 > 0:12:38Ron Knuckles was buried today at a service attended by the criminal underworld.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43As a mark of respect, the ceremony ended with two minutes' violence.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45LAUGHTER
0:12:45 > 0:12:51Now, by the way, we have heard today that Britain's most absent-minded man
0:12:51 > 0:12:54received a nasty bump on the head
0:12:54 > 0:12:58after he dashed upstairs and realised he'd forgotten something.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01He'd forgotten he lived in a bungalow.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Now...
0:13:03 > 0:13:06This is such a sweet story...
0:13:06 > 0:13:10A man from Dagenham, by the way, has named his son
0:13:10 > 0:13:14TGF 308F.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16He said he may not be rich,
0:13:16 > 0:13:21but when he eventually leaves his son his Ford Mondeo
0:13:21 > 0:13:23at least he'll have his own personalised number plate.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:27APPLAUSE
0:13:36 > 0:13:42So sorry I'm late. Asda was heaving. I got some fancy fondants for tea.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45It's not what you think.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Really? Because it looks like you're cheating on me!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Yes, I can explain.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Are you trading me in for a younger model?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Well, not younger so much as, er, bigger.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58I knew you were up to something.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03but all the other mad scientists are laughing at me!
0:14:03 > 0:14:07"Ooh, here comes Dr Frankenstein and his itsy-bitsy monster!"
0:14:07 > 0:14:10It's not my fault that I'm small!
0:14:10 > 0:14:14I'm not the one who cobbled me together from bits and bobs!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I mean, you could have picked bigger bits and bobs!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Yes, but I mean... it's not just your size, is it?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Do tell!
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Well, you're...you're just so...nice.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28What's wrong with being nice?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32You're not supposed to be nice! You're a monster!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35You're supposed to spend your time terrifying people,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38not indulging your passion for interior design!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Are you still upset about the curtains?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Yes, I am still upset about the curtains!
0:14:46 > 0:14:47You're a rubbish monster!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50My new monster will be terrifying.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Not going to ruin my curtains, is it?- Silence!
0:14:53 > 0:14:54The time has come!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Live, monster!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Live!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Behold!
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Pure evil!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12What a bad lad!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Oh, I love those curtains!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Do you? I made them myself!
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Oh, you busy-fingers!
0:15:17 > 0:15:21You know what this place is crying out for? Scatter cushions!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Don't think I haven't told him! - Can you do this?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Ye gods, what have I done?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Oh!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36We should be on Strictly!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Good morning!
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Er, good afternoon. It is actually 12.01.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I have a question with regard to your biscuits.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Certainly. I baked them myself this morning.
0:15:51 > 0:15:57- I'm allergic to nuts. Are there any nuts in the biscuits?- No, just butter, flour, sugar and water.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- Could any nuts have got into the biscuit mix?- No.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05I mean, had you been handling any nuts before you made the biscuits?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08No. In fact, my husband passed away last year.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Edible nuts?
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Not today, no.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Did anyone walk past the shop today holding a bag of nuts?
0:16:19 > 0:16:24Not that I recall, and I'm really not sure how that would affect the biscuits.
0:16:24 > 0:16:29An owl or similar winged creature could have swooped down, seized a nut from a passing bag,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31flown it into your preparation area
0:16:31 > 0:16:34and dropped it in the biscuit mixture! I mean, did you think about that?
0:16:34 > 0:16:39No...but I think I would have noticed an owl.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43OK, I'll...buy half a biscuit.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47We don't sell them in halves.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I suppose I'll have to take a whole one.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Lovely. There.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Can you just, er...just try a little?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- You want me to take a bite? - Yes, please.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05I'm not yet 100% satisfied that they are nut-free.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08No, I can't taste any.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Keep going, keep...
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I can't taste any.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14You're not swallowing it properly.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- I am!- No, you're not!
0:17:16 > 0:17:20You're storing it in your cheeks like a lying squirrel!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Just finish it off for me, please. Thank you.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25OK.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Thank you.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33So, would you like to buy a biscuit?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36No, thank you. After all that, I'm completely full.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43APPLAUSE
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Hello, and welcome to another edition of What?,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56the game show that cuts to the chase.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59So, fingers on buzzers, let's play What?.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06And our first question is what?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08BUZZ!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11The Battle of Naseby.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Breakdance 2 - Electric Boogaloo. Which?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17BUZZ!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Is it Henry VI?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21No, Gary Barlow.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- When? - BUZZ!
0:18:24 > 0:18:261066.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28No, close. 1067.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Oh, of course!
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Where?
0:18:32 > 0:18:33BUZZ!
0:18:33 > 0:18:34The spleen.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37No, the Roman city of Bath.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Who?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40BUZZ!
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Um...
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Oh... I'm sorry, it's gone. - OK, I can throw it over to Gillian.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Can I have the question again, please?- Certainly.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Who?
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Is it Kirstie Allsopp?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I can see what you were thinking, but no...
0:18:58 > 0:19:01It was Mussolini.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07And at the end of that round, as usual, no-one's scored any points!
0:19:08 > 0:19:12APPLAUSE
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Now before we go on to the next round,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17let's take a quick look at the leader board.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25As you can see, there's everything to play for.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Ready? Fingers on buzzers.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32What?
0:19:32 > 0:19:33BUZZ!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Puccini's Madame Butterfly.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Is the right answer!
0:19:38 > 0:19:40APPLAUSE
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Gillian, Gillian, well done!
0:19:44 > 0:19:49That is the first point anyone's scored in 22 series of What?.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54And that puts you at the top of our leader board.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01So, Steven, you have everything to play for as we go into the final round,
0:20:01 > 0:20:07which, of course, is the quick-fire round...and off we go.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08What?
0:20:08 > 0:20:09SIREN
0:20:09 > 0:20:12That is the end of the round
0:20:12 > 0:20:15which means it's the end of the quiz
0:20:15 > 0:20:21which means that the winner today is Gillian with a record high score of 1 point.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24APPLAUSE
0:20:24 > 0:20:26And what do points mean, of course?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Pounds!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- So you win a pound.- Thank you.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34And, Steven, you don't go home empty-handed...
0:20:34 > 0:20:36you get a nice peppermint.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Just the one, you know. There we are.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46Join us next time for another thrilling edition of What?. Good night.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50What are...what are you planning to do with your pound?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Well, I'm going to pay off the mortgage...
0:20:52 > 0:20:56I'm going to take Mother on holiday, she's been very ill. I'm going to buy a new car,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00and with whatever's left I'm going to set up a charity for the children of the world.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03And you, Steven, what are you going to do with your peppermint?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Suck it!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Hello, I don't think we've met. My name's Andrew, Andrew Wilson.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Hello, I'm Nigel.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Nigel...?- Yes, that's right, Nigel.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Yes, but Nigel what?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Sorry, my middle name? Well, since you ask, it's Godfrey.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22It's a bit embarrassing, I know, but there you are.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- No, I'm sorry, I mean what's your surname.- Attenborough. So tell me...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Attenborough?- Yes, that's right.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29You mean Attenborough as in...?
0:21:29 > 0:21:34Attenborough's Washing Machines of Stoke-on-Trent, absolutely. Yes, I'm pleased you've heard of us.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39- No, I meant...- New and refurbished, we won't be beaten on price.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Well, good to know our fame is spreading anyway.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Sorry, I meant any relation to Richard and David?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Oh, for heaven's sake! Why does everyone ask me that? I mean, it's so tedious!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Attenborough's not all that uncommon a name, you know?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Is it really likely that I'd be related to them?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh. You're not, then?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Well, yes, as it happens, I am. They're my brothers.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06- W-What? There's a third Attenborough brother?- Yes, there's a third Attenborough brother.
0:22:06 > 0:22:12His name is David. It goes Richard, Nigel, David. I am the second Attenborough brother.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16- Well, yes, but I suppose most people have heard of the other two. - Oh, really?
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Well, then, most people have never shopped for a competitively priced washing machine
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- in the Greater Stoke area.- Yes.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26It must be great to have such wonderful brothers.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Oh, well, they're not wonderful. They're evil!
0:22:28 > 0:22:34- Evil?- Oh, yes! I've seen David poke a tortoise with a stick when he thought no-one was looking.
0:22:34 > 0:22:40- Really?- And I'm told Dickie put a contract out on Gandhi in 1948
0:22:40 > 0:22:45because he thought it would make a better ending if he ever made a film about him.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Yes, well, lovely to meet you, Michael.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Nigel! The name is Nigel Attenborough!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Nigel Attenborough, and don't any of you ever forget it!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Excuse me, er...we couldn't help overhear you yelling at that man.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03I'm sorry about that, totally inappropriate. I'm sorry.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05No, no, we just wanted to say well done.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08This is Colin Dimbleby, I'm Tim Miliband.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Brothers!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14APPLAUSE
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Thank you very... You'll forgive me sitting down for a moment, I hope, won't you?
0:23:19 > 0:23:25I'm still rather puffed out from blowing out my candles on my 80th birthday cake.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28It took five-and-a-half hours...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33..with a little nap halfway through.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36What with that and the bumps, you know...
0:23:36 > 0:23:39it was rather a strenuous afternoon.
0:23:40 > 0:23:47I scarcely had the energy for my traditional pub crawl and midnight kebab. Anyhow...
0:23:47 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:52But it was a lovely day, and I was terribly spoiled.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57I mean, my gorgeous granddaughter, Tiffany Bianca, sweet...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I know, it's a lovely name, isn't it?
0:23:59 > 0:24:05Tiffany Bianca... She sweetly got me an app for my phone.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Now I'm sure you're aware phones can do almost anything these days,
0:24:08 > 0:24:12except, of course, persuade whichever department store
0:24:12 > 0:24:14or utility company you happen to be phoning
0:24:14 > 0:24:16to actually answer the damn thing.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Don't get me started on phone queues or I shall go on all night...
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Well, I shall probably go on all night, anyway.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:28For goodness' sake, don't encourage me,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32because I promised my great-granddaughter Beyonce Gaga...
0:24:33 > 0:24:37..that I'd be home in time to read her a story.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Actually, my family always complain that I'm extremely difficult to buy presents for.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46Socks are, of course, the traditional default present for gentlemen of a certain age,
0:24:46 > 0:24:51golfing socks, you know, in my case, which I can never get enough of,
0:24:51 > 0:24:58but, as Anne points out, it's extremely difficult to get a really decent Argyll check
0:24:58 > 0:25:01in the children's department.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07Yes, it won't surprise you to learn that I do have rather small feet.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Dainty, they've been called.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Ballet dancer's feet.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14No, in fact, as a young man
0:25:14 > 0:25:20I danced several leads for the Hibernian and Strathclyde Amateur Bowls and Ballet Society...
0:25:20 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:28..until an unfortunate incident with a rather restrictive jockstrap put an end to a promising career.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34I went from Sugar Plum Fairy to Nutcracker in one...
0:25:34 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:39 > 0:25:43..in one ill-judged leap. Oh, dear!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Of course, the very best present I got this year
0:25:46 > 0:25:50was the BBC giving me this lovely special programme.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Now, I don't get a lot of work these days, you see...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Even panto's dried up.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00As a juvenile, my Tinker Bell was a firm favourite...
0:26:00 > 0:26:02LAUGHTER
0:26:02 > 0:26:08..and in later years people would come from miles around to see me present my Dick, whi...
0:26:09 > 0:26:14..which... No, stop it! Which is an old joke, I know.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17But then I'm a very old comic.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22So try to see laughing as Care In The Community.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- LAUGHTER - Speaking...
0:26:25 > 0:26:31speaking of ageing, the ironic thing is I feel I've sort of grown into these chair monologues of mine.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35I mean, let's face it, what they consist of is me telling a story
0:26:35 > 0:26:38while constantly losing my way and repeating myself,
0:26:38 > 0:26:42which these days applies to pretty much everything I say.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:50My whole life has become a Ronnie chair monologue, which is funny, isn't it?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Well, I hope it is funny!
0:26:54 > 0:26:59Oh, dear! I'm beginning to sound like one of those grumpy old men,
0:26:59 > 0:27:03and I'm not...I'm not. I've always tried to move with the times,
0:27:03 > 0:27:08which, of course, brings me back to Tiffany Bianca's lovely phone app,
0:27:08 > 0:27:12which was, as she explained to me, a sat-nav device...
0:27:12 > 0:27:17with which I'd be able to find my way to anywhere I fancied in the whole world
0:27:17 > 0:27:20just by consulting my telephone, which was lovely.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22And next year,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I'm hoping she'll get me a very long flex because currently...
0:27:25 > 0:27:27LAUGHTER
0:27:27 > 0:27:30..I can only get three yards from the hall skirting board...
0:27:31 > 0:27:35..which is where my phone is plugged into the wall.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39So there you are, you have it all, and I should like, if I may, to conclude
0:27:39 > 0:27:46by wishing a happy birthday to octogenarians everywhere. Thank you very much.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59I'm so sorry, Willy. No, they've put Free Willy 3 on hold.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02WHALE SONG I know, I know, but listen...
0:28:02 > 0:28:06I have a very nice offer from Strictly Come Dancing. Yeah, yeah. WHALE SONG
0:28:06 > 0:28:09You will? That's lovely.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Bye, Willy, bye. WHALE SONG
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- BEEP! - 'Lassie here to see you.'
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Send him in.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23Oh, what a super surprise!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Hello, love.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27Sit!
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Good boy.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32- Doggy Choc? - No, thanks. I'm on a diet.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Ah, good for you!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36How are you?
0:28:37 > 0:28:38Not great.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Getting a divorce.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Oh, I'm so sorry!
0:28:42 > 0:28:43Bitch ran off with someone else.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Well, is there anything I can do?
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Well, I'm going to be honest with you...
0:28:49 > 0:28:51I do need to work.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55Got some great news. They are making another Lassie movie.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59I've done 12 of the blasted things! I mean, I don't want to get typecast.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Why haven't you put me up for 103 Dalmatians?
0:29:03 > 0:29:04Clue's in the title, love.
0:29:04 > 0:29:09Are you saying I can only play a collie?
0:29:09 > 0:29:11I'm... Yes.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15- Well, that's racist. - There's plenty of work out there, plenty of work! I've got...
0:29:15 > 0:29:19Ah! Hey, I've got a nice advert for Pedigree Chum.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22I've told you, I don't do commercials!
0:29:22 > 0:29:24I'm a serious actor.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27It's a very good deal. There's two packets of dog biscuits in it,
0:29:27 > 0:29:31there's a chewed-up tennis ball and they're willing to even throw in a stick!
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Why do I always have to play the dog?
0:29:34 > 0:29:36I mean, did you put me up for King Lear at the RSC?
0:29:36 > 0:29:40I did, I did! Hey, you came very close!
0:29:40 > 0:29:42You came...ooh...a hair's breadth...
0:29:42 > 0:29:45It went, in the end, to Sir Ian McKellen.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49Her again! So you haven't got a thing for me?
0:29:50 > 0:29:52No.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56Well, I'm obviously wasting my time here. Goodbye.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58The problem is, my dear, that people do think...
0:29:59 > 0:30:01..you're difficult.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05Honestly, you pee on one director's leg and you get a reputation!
0:30:12 > 0:30:15- This is an awfully nice place. Is it new?- Yes.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19Used to be an optician's. Do you know, I think the same chap still runs it.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21- Good evening.- Oh.- Hello.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24Nice to see you. Would you like to see the menu?
0:30:24 > 0:30:26Oh, yes, please.
0:30:26 > 0:30:27Nice man.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Would you like to read the menu?
0:30:31 > 0:30:34I'm sorry, could you bring it a little closer?
0:30:34 > 0:30:35Afraid not.
0:30:35 > 0:30:41Well, I can only see soup and steak from here, so I suppose I'll go for the soup.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Very interesting. And, sir...?
0:30:43 > 0:30:46Er...well, yes, I suppose I'll go for the steak, please.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48Excellent choice.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Rather peculiar.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54There we are. Thank you very much.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58- Sorry, could you tell me what's in this soup?- Er...
0:30:58 > 0:31:00I'm sorry...
0:31:00 > 0:31:03I'm sorry. Would you mind holding it still so I can...
0:31:03 > 0:31:04Keep it still.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07Um, that is cabbage and broccoli.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09- Oh, no, I don't like broccoli.- Oh?
0:31:12 > 0:31:13Here we are.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Mushroom and walnut.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17That better?
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Or worse?
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Better or worse?
0:31:22 > 0:31:25- Better?- Er...- Or worse?
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Better? Now does this make any difference?
0:31:29 > 0:31:32- This seems better, thank you. - Excellent.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Madam, if you look straight ahead, would you tell me,
0:31:38 > 0:31:41would you like some condiment in your soup?
0:31:41 > 0:31:42What condiment?
0:31:42 > 0:31:45No, no, no. Keep looking forward.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47Can you tell me what condiment it is yet?
0:31:47 > 0:31:48No.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51- OK. How about now?- No.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53- What about now?- No.
0:31:53 > 0:31:57- And now?- OK, it's pepper. And, no, I don't want any pepper, thank you!
0:31:57 > 0:32:01You haven't even offered us a drink yet! Can we have a bottle of white wine, please?
0:32:01 > 0:32:02Certainly, sir. Here we are.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08- By the way, I must tell you something.- Yes?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10You both need glasses.
0:32:15 > 0:32:22Item number four. The repairs needed to fix the guttering on the roof of the church hall.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25Now, the caretaker's been up, had a look at this
0:32:25 > 0:32:32and the estimated cost of these repairs is going to be in the region of £65.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35- Oh!- Thank you, Bill.
0:32:35 > 0:32:40Now, does anyone have any ideas of how we can raise the funds to cover these costs?
0:32:40 > 0:32:42What about a jumble sale?
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Bit old hat.
0:32:44 > 0:32:50How about a benefit concert in the scout hut starring Lady Gaga?
0:32:50 > 0:32:56Yes, that's a great idea! Now, does anyone know a phone number for this Mrs Gaga?
0:32:57 > 0:33:02Ted, you can look her up in the phone directory, see if she's listed, you know?
0:33:02 > 0:33:04What will she be under?
0:33:04 > 0:33:06- Gaga.- Gaga?
0:33:06 > 0:33:12Of course, if we can't get Lady Gaga, there is always that Beyonce Knowles.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16We could ask her to sing some of her hit songs,
0:33:16 > 0:33:22then she could reform Destiny's Child and then maybe bake a cake which we could all raffle.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25I think we're aiming a bit low.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29Why are we wasting our time with this Beyonce Knowles character?
0:33:29 > 0:33:33I propose we go for JT himself, Justin Timberlake.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36We could have Timbaland provide the beats
0:33:36 > 0:33:39and Madonna could come on and they could sing their song 4 Minutes.
0:33:41 > 0:33:46Well, if Madonna's only going to do the one song, she could help me out on the hotdog stand...
0:33:46 > 0:33:47she could fry the onions.
0:33:48 > 0:33:55Yes, but whoever we get to sing, whether it's Beyonce, Timberlake, Madonna, 50 Cent,
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Lil Wayne...Snoop...
0:33:59 > 0:34:01..we need someone to introduce them.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04How about that Nelson "Mandelar"?
0:34:05 > 0:34:08- Too old.- Horrible shirts!- Oh!
0:34:10 > 0:34:13- The Pope? - Now, is the Pope famous enough?
0:34:15 > 0:34:18- President Obama? - Yes, that's a splendid idea!
0:34:18 > 0:34:23So, President Obama to host and first choice to sing, Lady Gaga.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Oh, what if she's booked up?
0:34:25 > 0:34:31Hang on a minute! Did I never mention that my nephew is the controversial rapper Eminem?
0:34:33 > 0:34:34No, I don't think you did.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37Let me give him a bell... see if he can help.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Hello? Eminem?
0:34:50 > 0:34:52It's your Uncle Bill here.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56How's your controversial rapping going?
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Good.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Now, look, we're organising a charity concert
0:35:02 > 0:35:05and we need a really big star.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Have you got a number for "Jay-Zed"?
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Hello?
0:35:12 > 0:35:15Hello! Hello?
0:35:15 > 0:35:16- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20And now, please welcome one of my favourite singers.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23I mean, I've known her since she was that high.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26The lovely Charlotte Church.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32APPLAUSE
0:35:34 > 0:35:37# You got the wrong shoes, honey, the wrong size
0:35:39 > 0:35:42# You wear the left foot on the right side
0:35:44 > 0:35:47# You got a sad laugh, honey, when you cry
0:35:49 > 0:35:52# You know the answer, still you ask why
0:35:53 > 0:35:55# You ask why
0:35:56 > 0:36:00# Walking in the sunshine in the middle of the night
0:36:02 > 0:36:06# Painting pictures with the rain
0:36:06 > 0:36:11# Been dreaming of real life and living out a dream
0:36:11 > 0:36:13# I'm a mixed-up girl
0:36:13 > 0:36:16# In a logical world
0:36:27 > 0:36:30# You got blue hair, honey, and blond eyes
0:36:32 > 0:36:36# Shocks are boring but the day today's a surprise
0:36:37 > 0:36:41# You go real low, honey, when you get high
0:36:42 > 0:36:46# You give a warm welcome with that goodbye
0:36:46 > 0:36:50# When you say goodbye
0:36:50 > 0:36:55# Walking in the sunshine in the middle of the night
0:36:55 > 0:37:00# Painting pictures with the rain
0:37:00 > 0:37:04# Been dreaming of real life and living out a dream
0:37:05 > 0:37:08# Here with the wrong size
0:37:08 > 0:37:11# Here with the blond eyes
0:37:11 > 0:37:16# I laugh when I cry I'm the one who's asking why
0:37:16 > 0:37:20# I get high when I get low and I just want to show
0:37:20 > 0:37:24# I'm a logical girl in a mixed-up world
0:37:24 > 0:37:27# Mixed-up world
0:37:28 > 0:37:32# Walking in the sunshine in the middle of the night
0:37:34 > 0:37:38# Painting pictures with the rain
0:37:38 > 0:37:43# Been dreaming of real life and living out a dream
0:37:43 > 0:37:45# I'm a mixed-up girl
0:37:45 > 0:37:48# In a logical world
0:37:48 > 0:37:53# I've been walking the sunshine in the middle of the night
0:37:53 > 0:37:58# I've been watching my pictures fade away in the rain
0:37:59 > 0:38:03# I've been dreaming of real life and living out a dream
0:38:03 > 0:38:06# I'm a mixed-up girl
0:38:06 > 0:38:08# In a logical world
0:38:08 > 0:38:11# I'm a mixed-up girl
0:38:11 > 0:38:15# I'm a mixed-up girl. #
0:38:15 > 0:38:19APPLAUSE
0:38:20 > 0:38:25'Meanwhile, crime-fighting superhero Wonderman is expecting a visit.'
0:38:25 > 0:38:26KNOCKING
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Who is it?
0:38:28 > 0:38:29It's Powerboy!
0:38:29 > 0:38:30Come in!
0:38:35 > 0:38:37You wanted to see me, Wonderman?
0:38:37 > 0:38:38What's that?
0:38:38 > 0:38:40It's my superscooter.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44My knees are giving me a bit of trouble.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Well...you're getting quite old now, aren't you, Powerboy?
0:38:48 > 0:38:52- Well, we can't all be immortal like you, Wonderman!- Sadly not,
0:38:52 > 0:38:55but, when you applied for this job, it did say "immortal" on your CV!
0:38:55 > 0:39:00It said, "I'm mortal", it was just badly punctuated.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04Remind me...how long have you been working for me now?
0:39:04 > 0:39:10- 65 glorious years. - I bet you're getting a bit bored of being a superhero now, aren't you?
0:39:10 > 0:39:13- Not at all!- Yeah, but there must be times when you think,
0:39:13 > 0:39:18"I'm 80 years old! I should be taking it easy, doing some gardening or going on a cruise."
0:39:18 > 0:39:20No, never.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25This isn't easy to say, but...
0:39:29 > 0:39:32..I really think it's time you...retired.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35Retired? But I'm Powerboy!
0:39:35 > 0:39:39Exactly, PowerBOY! You haven't been a boy since the 1930s!
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Power-mature-gentleman?
0:39:42 > 0:39:44No... Look, I'm sorry.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46You're just too old.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49It's time you hung up your cape.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51- I've still got years in me.- Really?
0:39:51 > 0:39:55What about last week when we were battling Professor Terror on the top of that skyscraper?
0:39:55 > 0:39:58- What happened?- Well, I had to pop down to use the bathroom.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01My bladder isn't what it was!
0:40:01 > 0:40:05I'm sorry, Powerboy, but...it's time to call it quits.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08- You won't last a minute on your own. - I think I'll be fine!
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Even when you're forced to do battle
0:40:10 > 0:40:12with the Basket?
0:40:12 > 0:40:14TOOT-TOOT!
0:40:15 > 0:40:16What are you doing?
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Tremble with fear, the Basket is here!
0:40:19 > 0:40:21TOOT-TOOT!
0:40:22 > 0:40:24- Are you serious?- Deadly serious.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27If I can't be with you, then I shall be against you!
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Henceforth I shall devote myself to evil!
0:40:30 > 0:40:35We will battle for supremacy of the earth! Farewell for now!
0:40:35 > 0:40:37SCOOTER STARTS AND STOPS
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Battery's dead. Can you plug me in?
0:40:51 > 0:40:54How long does it take to...?
0:40:54 > 0:40:55Six hours.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59I'm going to pop out and get some lunch. Do you want any?
0:40:59 > 0:41:03No, I've brought a sandwich, actually.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Well, I don't know what Strauss and Pietersen use on their cricket bats,
0:41:11 > 0:41:15I suppose it's all changed these days. But I'm a great believer in linseed oil.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Good heavens! Is he still around?
0:41:17 > 0:41:20- I beg your pardon?- Lindsay Doyle.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23I think there's been some slight misunderstanding.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26I'm talking about the use of linseed oil on cricket bats.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29What? Oh, I'm so sorry. Do continue, please.
0:41:30 > 0:41:35Of course, our pitch is hardly ideal, but I'm determined, come hell or high water...
0:41:35 > 0:41:41Camilla Highwater! How is she? She's a very, very dear friend of mine.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44Look, if you don't very much mind, I'm addressing my remarks...
0:41:44 > 0:41:48How do you do, Myra? May I call Myra? Miss Marx is so formal.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50Any more you want to meet?
0:41:50 > 0:41:55Annie Moore! Hello, Annie. Lovely to meet you, Annie.
0:41:55 > 0:41:59Look, can't I say anything without reminding you of someone you know?
0:41:59 > 0:42:01I'm sorry, I'm awfully sorry.
0:42:01 > 0:42:02Never mind.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08This is sangria, isn't it? It's quite a heady beverage.
0:42:10 > 0:42:11"Eddie Beverage"?
0:42:14 > 0:42:16Mind you, I'm the type that gets giddy on shandy.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20"Gideon Shandy"?
0:42:22 > 0:42:25I have to chose my words carefully. I can see more coming.
0:42:27 > 0:42:28"Seymour Cumming"?
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Where was I? Oh, yes...the pitch.
0:42:35 > 0:42:41Would you believe, I caught some kid playing football on it the other day! I was forced to order him off it.
0:42:41 > 0:42:44Audrey Moffat? Now, there's a name!
0:42:44 > 0:42:50Look, considering all the friends we have in common we really ought to get together one evening.
0:42:50 > 0:42:51How about tomorrow night?
0:42:51 > 0:42:54Tamara Knight? Yes, I know her too.
0:42:54 > 0:42:55She died last week.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58- Surely not? - Shirley Knott was at the funeral!
0:42:58 > 0:43:02Wait! It's Shirley Knott I'm having dinner with.
0:43:02 > 0:43:05Known her for years. Used to spot her up at the club.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07Eustace Potter? That's the man she's going to marry.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Well, I can see why. He's very well groomed.
0:43:10 > 0:43:14- His hair's always very nattily done. - I forgot Natalie Dunn is a good hairdresser.
0:43:14 > 0:43:18Trouble is she can't do anything without consulting her horoscope.
0:43:18 > 0:43:23Horace Cope? That twit? Don't tell me she still moves in his moronic orbit!
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Ronnie Corbett? Who's he?
0:43:30 > 0:43:33ORGAN MUSIC
0:43:33 > 0:43:36Hello. I'm Aled Jones. You remember?
0:43:36 > 0:43:41# Walking in the air
0:43:41 > 0:43:46# La-la-la...the sky... #
0:43:46 > 0:43:51That was me. Anyway, I've gone all religious now and I'm presenting Songs Of Praise,
0:43:51 > 0:43:55which this week comes to you from a little church in some village somewhere,
0:43:55 > 0:43:57and there's all people inside, singing hymns and that.
0:43:57 > 0:44:01And what a surprise! The church is full. Enjoy.
0:44:09 > 0:44:12# All things bright and beautiful
0:44:12 > 0:44:16# All creatures great and small
0:44:16 > 0:44:20# All things wise and wonderful
0:44:20 > 0:44:23# The Lord God made them all
0:44:23 > 0:44:28# Don't give that cow a close-up
0:44:28 > 0:44:31# Don't put her on a perch
0:44:31 > 0:44:35# She's just here for the cameras
0:44:35 > 0:44:38# She's never been to church
0:44:41 > 0:44:45# Well, she's a non-believer
0:44:45 > 0:44:48# She's a terrible ham actor
0:44:48 > 0:44:52# You know she's only here
0:44:52 > 0:44:57# Because she can't get on X Factor
0:44:59 > 0:45:02# Don't listen to that harlot
0:45:02 > 0:45:06# She's always trying it on
0:45:06 > 0:45:10# She's had half the men in here
0:45:10 > 0:45:13# Including Father John
0:45:16 > 0:45:20# That one's got a blooming cheek
0:45:20 > 0:45:23# She's busy throwing stones
0:45:23 > 0:45:27# But she is only here
0:45:27 > 0:45:31# Because she fancies Aled Jones... #
0:45:31 > 0:45:33SHE MOUTHS
0:45:33 > 0:45:37# If you're wondering who she is
0:45:37 > 0:45:41# Well, I've got news for you
0:45:41 > 0:45:44# You never see her here
0:45:44 > 0:45:49# She's a practising Hindu
0:45:51 > 0:45:55# All things bright and beautiful
0:45:55 > 0:45:58# All creatures great and small
0:45:58 > 0:46:03# To celebrate being on TV
0:46:03 > 0:46:07# We're off on a pub crawl. #
0:46:11 > 0:46:13APPLAUSE
0:46:13 > 0:46:14Oh, dear!
0:46:15 > 0:46:20Thank you very much. I hope you had a wonderful evening and enjoyed the show.
0:46:20 > 0:46:22It's really been quite lovely.
0:46:22 > 0:46:27For old times' sake, I would just like to say there's a police message that we have been asked to give you,
0:46:27 > 0:46:33saying that a man who lost eight bottles of whisky at Euston Station this morning,
0:46:33 > 0:46:36if he'd please go to the lost property office by platform 9
0:46:36 > 0:46:40where the man who found them has just been handed in.
0:46:40 > 0:46:42And... Still...
0:46:42 > 0:46:47there's been some good news for the burglar who fell inside a combine harvester
0:46:47 > 0:46:49whilst on the run last week.
0:46:49 > 0:46:52His family said he'll soon be out on "bale".
0:46:52 > 0:46:55- LAUGHTER - Oh, I know, I know...
0:46:59 > 0:47:00And...
0:47:01 > 0:47:09And sad news, of course, is that the funeral took place today of Mr Spencer P Dobson,
0:47:09 > 0:47:13a famous compiler of crossword puzzles.
0:47:13 > 0:47:17After a short service, he was buried 6 down and 3 across.
0:47:17 > 0:47:18LAUGHTER
0:47:18 > 0:47:20So it's good night from me.
0:47:20 > 0:47:24I hope you enjoyed yourselves. God bless you.
0:47:30 > 0:47:34Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:47:34 > 0:47:38E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk