0:00:12 > 0:00:16TRANSLATION:
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Ooo-Kaay! Katanga, my friends! Ah-a! Ah-a!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Y'knaa what I mean? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Mr Lenny Henry!
0:01:24 > 0:01:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Good evening, and welcome to The One Lenny Henry!
0:01:43 > 0:01:46CHEERING
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Or, as I'm known in the Midlands, Dudleyman!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52There's a lot of superhero movies on at the moment -
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Spiderman, Batman, Captain America. Have you seen Captain America?
0:01:56 > 0:02:00That's the only country in the world that fits into a title like that.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03I've tried it with lots of others - Captain France! Dun-dun-dun!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- FRENCH ACCENT:- "Captain Francais!
0:02:05 > 0:02:08"The Nazis are setting the Louvre on fire, help us!"
0:02:08 > 0:02:12"Why do you tell me this in the middle of lunch?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"Perhaps when I have finished my wine,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18"made love to a beautiful woman, enjoyed a cigarette,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20"maybe then, I will,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23"if I am not too knackered,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25"look for a fire extinguisher."
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Captain Italy...
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- ITALIAN ACCENT:- "Senor Italiano, the rebels are attacking Rome
0:02:31 > 0:02:34"and killing everything in their path. What should we do?"
0:02:34 > 0:02:38"Find me the fastest car you can and let's get the hell out of here!"
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Captain Nigeria?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:44There, you see?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47You know, man, Captain Nigeria would be cool, wouldn't he?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Murderous aliens have invaded his palace,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Captain Nigeria isn't fazed at all.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55- NIGERIAN ACCENT: - "I am so glad you are here, eeeeh..."
0:02:56 > 0:03:01"Ah, Sirius 5 is my favourite planet, eeeh.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03"Look at you - seven arms, four eyes -
0:03:03 > 0:03:05"I think I know your sistah."
0:03:05 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"Now, what I need you to do is
0:03:09 > 0:03:12"put all of your money into my bank account.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16"I promise to pay you £20 million at a date to be arranged.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20"You can trust me because I am Captain Nigeria, eeeh."
0:03:23 > 0:03:27I love going to the pictures, but what's the big FBI warning
0:03:27 > 0:03:30at the beginning of every movie now?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Every movie, big FBI warning
0:03:31 > 0:03:37"Warning, film piracy could lead to five years in jail or a 250,000 fine."
0:03:37 > 0:03:39You're sitting there like...
0:03:39 > 0:03:42LAUGHTER
0:03:42 > 0:03:46"I didn't know the FBI had a branch in West Bromwich."
0:03:46 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER
0:03:49 > 0:03:51It's not exactly top of the crime league, is it?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55You go to jail, you're in your cell, talking to your new cellmate...
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"What are you in for?"
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"Armed robbery. What about you?"
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"I illegally recorded Alvin And The Chipmunks 3."
0:04:02 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:09People buying pirate DVDs dirt cheap -
0:04:09 > 0:04:13you get it home, stick it on the DVD player, you draw the curtains,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15you know it's wrong, but you don't care!
0:04:15 > 0:04:19It's the new edition of Pirates Of The Caribbean. You love that movie, man!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22The picture's pin sharp, perfect sound, HD levels,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Jack Sparrow comes on - you love Jack Sparrow -
0:04:25 > 0:04:27then he says, "Woo suffabotha woo-yo..."
0:04:27 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"..jit-abuyo awdoybo...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34"..zit-aburrow doreho...
0:04:34 > 0:04:36"Savvy?"
0:04:38 > 0:04:42You're looking at each other - no wonder it only cost 50-bloody-p!
0:04:44 > 0:04:49From the makers of Twilight and Breaking Dawn, a new adventure -
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Late Afternoon.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Well, Early Evening.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Actually, around 6.30.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Let's call it Dusk.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01'When I first met Edward, I knew he was different,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04'and I knew that our destinies were intertwined.'
0:05:05 > 0:05:09You're impossibly strong, your eyes change colour,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12and sometimes you speak like you're from a different world.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Your skin is pale white, yet black...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I know where you're from.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Go on.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24You're from Birmingham.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Is it that obvious?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28You're a...
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Say it.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Out loud. Say it.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37You're a Brumpire.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I want you to take me into your world.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45A world of darkness and chaos.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47You mean the Bullring?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I can't, it's too dangerous.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52What do you mean?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54There's three lanes of traffic going round it,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56you'd never make it across.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Oh.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07'I knew I was breaking all the rules by wanting him.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10'Then I met...Jacob.'
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Bella, don't go near him.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Why not?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16He's not one of us.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17What is he?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20He's a werewolf.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Where's he from?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Werewolverhampton.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27He's been wandering the Midlands for thousands of years.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Are you saying he's a Werewolverhampton Wanderer?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34No, you said that.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39'I was strangely drawn to Jacob.'
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Kiss me.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46LOUD SMOOCHING
0:06:46 > 0:06:47No, wait!
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I promise to love you every moment of for ever,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52and then a bit longer after that.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54And then some more.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56You love him?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Yes, but he's got a bit clingy.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04How do I get rid of him?
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Leave that with me, chap.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Oi, Fido! Here, boy.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Do you want the stick? Do you want to fetch the stick, boy?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Fetch, boy! Go on, boy!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14HE BARKS AND GROWLS
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Bella, we must go. Up!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Actually, shall we just walk instead?- OK, yeah.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what's happening, world?
0:07:29 > 0:07:34My name is Delbert Wilkins, and this is www.dwtv.cru-shal.
0:07:34 > 0:07:40well-ard, well-ard, well-ard.tv.com forward-slash dot, y'knaa what I mean?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I know what you are thinking.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45"Why haven't we seen this handsome dude since the '80s
0:07:45 > 0:07:48"when he used to broadcast from the centre of the civilised world -
0:07:48 > 0:07:51"the shed on the roof of his tower block in Brixton?"
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Well, the first lickle hiccup was this - they knocked it down,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57and I couldn't get a signal from the top of the rubble, y'knaa what I mean?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I watched the riots.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I thought I was having a flashback to April 1981 and I got scared.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I mean, Bucks Fizz was number two in the charts and I thought,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"I don't want to live through that again!"
0:08:11 > 0:08:13But the thing is, the '81 riots,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16they were about people wanting better housing,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19more job opportunities and an end to stop-and-search.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22This time they just wanted iPads and trainers!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Forget the issues of social deprivation,
0:08:24 > 0:08:29I'm all right as long as I've got a Wi-Fi on the move and comfortable feet, 'dred.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31The riots were on telly every night.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32It was like a regular show, wasn't it?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35The BBC started putting out trailers for it -
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"Tonight after Eastenders, a new series - Britain's Got Rioters."
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42You were waiting for Piers Morgan to say,
0:08:42 > 0:08:47"That was a terrible performance. you dropped three TVs on your way out the shop."
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I said to my daughter, Beyonce, I looked at her, I said,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"Have you seen this, darling?"
0:08:51 > 0:08:54She was like, "I don't want to watch it now, Dad,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56"I'll wait for the box set to come out." Y'knaa what I mean?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:09:14 > 0:09:19- Perhaps we should have invited Donovan after all.- Nonsense!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22It's good to put that man behind you once and for all.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25You've chosen a good husband, Ruth.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30Mr Sanderson is a solid, reliable, upstanding member of the community.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Yes.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Whereas Donovan Bogarde is an uncouth,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36outrageous man who is obsessed with sex.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Yes!
0:09:43 > 0:09:48Remember, do not let this man in, by any means necessary.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Reverend.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Mrs Johnson...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Donovan?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Come on, Mrs Johnson. Why the surprise?
0:10:05 > 0:10:09You know I've always wanted to celebrate your nuptials.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Do you know this vicar?- I have visited her parish many times.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15True, I have not yet seen the hin-side of her cathedral,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17but she has a very accommodating rector.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22- I beg your pardon?- And God created woman, and he said it was good.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24But I say it's better than good.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26It is a bounteous piece of super crea-tion!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Designed for prolonged physical hex-plora-tion!
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- With me hon-board satellite naviga-tion!- Reverend,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34shall we just get on with the service?
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- Hey, my church, my rules.- Donovan? - Call me Your Holiness
0:10:38 > 0:10:42and I will grant you a private hau-dience you will never forget.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Come, receive me blessings, kiss me ring, and if you stay on your knees
0:10:45 > 0:10:50- long enough, I'll give you a ride on me Popemobile!- Reverend! What the hell is going on here?!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Shouldn't the real question be, what the hell is going on there?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I don't know what you're talking about.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Come on, Mrs Johnson, it was meant to be. I is Jonah, you is the whale.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I is Moses, you is me fatted calf.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Reverend Bogarde!- Oh-oh!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- Do you know who I am? This is my wife.- No, she isn't.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14You never said "I do".
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- I do.- Well, I don't.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Come on, Mrs Johnson, hurry up. Giddy up, Mrs Johnson!
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Donovan, you have any idea where we're going?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Paradise, Mrs Johnson! Paradise!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- I've been doing Shakespeare. - AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Yeah, serious stuff. Othello.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- AUDIENCE: Woo! - Actually, when a black guy says
0:11:40 > 0:11:44he's been doing Shakespeare, Othello's what he usually means.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Not many of us go, "I'm opening in the National in Romeo And Juliet!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"I'm playing Man Who Holds Ladder for Romeo in the balcony scene!"
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Amazing experience, Othello, but it was nerve-wracking,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03cos I'd never done it before, you know.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06This is one of the greatest tragedies of all time,
0:12:06 > 0:12:07and I'm a comedian.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I'd be in the middle of a really big, important speech,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"Most potent, grave and reverend signiors,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14"my very noble and approved good masters,"
0:12:14 > 0:12:17and I'm hearing a little voice in my head...
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- BRUMMIE ACCENT:- "What's wrong?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22"Why aren't they laughing?!"
0:12:22 > 0:12:25This is me, aged 16, just started out.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28All I want to do is make the audience laugh.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32I'll be in the middle of the play and there'd be a moment where I'd hear...
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- BRUMMIE ACCENT:- "Go on, chap, make 'em laugh."
0:12:34 > 0:12:38"No, no, this is Shakespeare, I've got to concentrate!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41"Let him do his spite. My services, which I have done the signiory,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43"shall out-tongue his complaints."
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- AS FRANK SPENCER:- "Hello!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"I've been having a bit of trouble!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:52"No, no, no!" It's a nightmare!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55The most tempting scene - the death scene at the end.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Othello has just mistakenly killed Desdemona, his beloved -
0:12:58 > 0:13:00he smothered her with a pillow.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04He's in total despair, wracked with guilt. He's about to stab himself.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08"Soft you. A word or two before you go.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"I have done the state some service, and they know't. No more of that."
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- AS TOMMY COOPER: - "Knife, pillow, pillow, knife!
0:13:18 > 0:13:22"I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen - I did kill her, just like that!"
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I try and look after myself.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Try and stay healthy.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37I take lots of vitamins and supplements. Anybody else do that?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Don't they affect the colour of your wee, though?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Mine goes bronze! I'm in the loo, going, "Wow!
0:13:43 > 0:13:48"I could fake-tan the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex with this!"
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I don't know if it's cos I'm getting older,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00but I've been reading the obituaries more and more recently.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04It's like a school report for your whole life, isn't it?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Little snarky comments along the side.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"Never quite fulfilled his potential."
0:14:08 > 0:14:10"Should've paid more attention...
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"especially when he walked out in front of that bus."
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Some people have done amazing things with their lives.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21You know, war heroes.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Took on a machine-gun nest single-handedly,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27won the citation for bravery under fire.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29How can anybody compete with that?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Just you think right now, OK, about all the courageous things
0:14:32 > 0:14:35you've done in your life that they'd put in your obituary.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Just think. I've been doing this a lot.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Sat in first class on the train with a second-class ticket.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Didn't move until the bloke said, "Tickets, please."
0:14:49 > 0:14:54I'm in the bank, in the queue. A huge bloke pushed in front of me.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I said, "Excuse me, there's a queue here."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Everybody in the bank applauded me...
0:15:01 > 0:15:05and then got out the way and watched him beat me up.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08"What'd you say, Ainsley? What did you say to me, Ainsley?"
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Thing is, I know they've got my obituary ready somewhere, OK?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16And I'm glad I'm not going to see it,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19because I know that nothing is going to matter, OK?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21It's not going to matter that I've won awards
0:15:21 > 0:15:23or done Shakespeare or Comic Relief
0:15:23 > 0:15:26or slept in the Amazon jungle for three nights on my own.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28None of that's going to matter. Know why?
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Because my obituary headline's going to say "Premier Inn bloke dies."
0:15:39 > 0:15:44- I'm over here, Steve.- Yo, Leroy. Wha g'wan, Swagga Don?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- I'm all right, Steve, you know. - So what ya sayin', brudda?
0:15:48 > 0:15:53- Got a new business, innit? - Blarted. What ya teifin'?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I ain't teifin' nothin', it's legit.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57It's a delivery business, right?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00You all right, Steve?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05You got a rash, or something?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09No, man. Me good like fresh mango.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Steve, look, right, you're talking like you're a black geezer and you isn't one, bro.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Kiss me neck, back, what do you mean I ain't black?
0:16:17 > 0:16:22Me may look like dis on tha outside, but inside, I'm Nubian Rasta!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Listen, you fool, my forefathers spoke in patois
0:16:28 > 0:16:31so the slave masters couldn't understand them, right?
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- It's our language and you're hijacking it.- Bumbaclot!
0:16:37 > 0:16:42Wake up, man. Me got a right. Me family was slaves an' all, you know.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44What you talking about?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Me mams was a slave for real. - Your mum weren't no slave, Steve.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52She was the original slave, belie-e-eve.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Where was she a slave? - Tesco's.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Tesco's?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Tesco's didn't have no slaves.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Slavery goes all the way before Tesco's.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Slavery goes all the way back to, like, Barclays Bank.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20I'm telling you, man, she was a slave. Truss-s-sst.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25How could she be a slave?
0:17:25 > 0:17:31Cos they paid her 1.50 an hour and them's slave wages, dread.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32That was in 1973, right?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35You could buy a Ford Capri for that money in them days.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Steve, why can't you talk in your own patois?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Dready, me don't got no patois.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Yeah, you do. You got all the London cockney slang.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47"All right, darlin'?" "You don't get many of them to the pound."
0:17:47 > 0:17:50"Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit." "Gertcha!"
0:17:50 > 0:17:54"Get aht my pub!" "Sorted." "Read all abaht it in the Stand-id."
0:17:56 > 0:17:58That's you and your posse.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01RINGTONE PLAYS "The Power" by Snap
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- POSH VOICE:- Hello, Urban Deliveries, can I help you?
0:18:05 > 0:18:09We can absolutely do that for you on Thursday, of course. Not at all.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Have a marvellous day.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Me could, erm, learn to talk like that, you know.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Help you with your business.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- POSH VOICE:- Hello, Urban Deliveries, Steven Parkin speaking.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25How may I be of assistance? You rass!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- We'll work on that, all right? - Let's do it!
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Steve, Steve. The cockney walk, remember?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40# Consider yourself
0:18:40 > 0:18:41# One of us. #
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Much better, bruv.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Much better.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23HE WHIMPERS
0:19:28 > 0:19:30HE SPLUTTERS AND SNEEZES
0:19:39 > 0:19:41HE SOBS
0:20:17 > 0:20:19HE SCREAMS
0:20:28 > 0:20:30LOUD HISSING
0:20:30 > 0:20:32HE SCREAMS
0:20:49 > 0:20:52LOUD HISSING
0:21:39 > 0:21:41HE SCREAMS
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Everything is automated now, don't you find this?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I sometimes get a robotic voice ringing my house.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54You know, ring-ring, you pick it up, "Hello?"
0:21:54 > 0:21:55- ROBOTIC ACCENT:- "Do not hang up.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59"Would you like to consolidate all your debts into one big debt?"
0:22:00 > 0:22:03It's ringing up every other day now.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I just get my own back now, I talk back to it!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09He goes, "Hello." I go, "Hello, do not hang up,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"I find your voice strangely attractive."
0:22:12 > 0:22:15He goes, "I'm sorry." I go, "What are you wearing?"
0:22:15 > 0:22:18He goes, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:22:18 > 0:22:21By the time I've finished with him, he's in overload.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23"Ma-ma-ma-ma..."
0:22:23 > 0:22:25# Will always love you... #
0:22:25 > 0:22:29HE IMITATES AN EXPLOSION
0:22:29 > 0:22:34One of the most annoying automated things is at the bank or the post office. You know, the window voice?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36"Window number three, please!"
0:22:38 > 0:22:41"Window number four, please! Window number six..."
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Who is this guy? Who is it? Do you think he's the same at home?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47"Darling, I'm home now!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50"Where are all the children?"
0:22:50 > 0:22:52"Staying at their mother's!"
0:22:52 > 0:22:56"That is most unusual! Please tell me you're not leaving!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59"What do you mean, I'm bloody annoying?"
0:23:02 > 0:23:05So, airports are full of technology, right?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I get vexed at the airport now, though.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10All the security makes me SO mad!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Can't take anything on the plane any more.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15They took Nivea off me the other day, Nivea?!
0:23:15 > 0:23:19What I going to do? Moisturise my way into the cockpit?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Nobody move!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23My skin IS silky smooth, isn't it?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29If you can't take it on board, they make you throw it away.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Water bottles, shampoo...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33A crying baby.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Come on, who wants to sit next to one of them?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38They should have their own plane, shouldn't they?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Either that, or take a gallon of Calpol with you!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46The liquid cosh! We've all done that, haven't we?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48"Come on, there you go."
0:23:48 > 0:23:52"There you go, come on, there you go, come on.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55"THERE you go."
0:23:55 > 0:23:57"You'll be off in a minute. There you go!"
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Kid wakes up three days later.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04"Did we go to Disneyland?"
0:24:06 > 0:24:08"I've got sideburns?!"
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Jamaicans would not make good terrorists, OK?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16We just forget that, all right? We would not make good terrorists.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Jamaican shoe bomber.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- JAMAICAN ACCENT:- "These are £200 Nikes. I ain't blowing them up!"
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"You're crazy!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"Blow up MY shoes?!"
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Salah!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Jamaican pants bomber.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- JAMAICAN ACCENT:- "Now listen, let me get this straight.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38"You are hasking me...
0:24:40 > 0:24:44"..to wear these giant hunfashionable, hunderpants...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46"filled with hexplosive...
0:24:46 > 0:24:50"and during the flight they will blow all me tackle and tings to kingdom come?"
0:24:52 > 0:24:57"But, you say, when I get to heaven...
0:24:57 > 0:25:01"there will be 72 virgins waiting for me to pleasure dem?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04"My question is this...
0:25:04 > 0:25:08"How de hell will I pleasure 72 virgins
0:25:08 > 0:25:12"when I hain't got no tackle and tings to pleasure them with?!
0:25:12 > 0:25:16"I tink you'd better come up with another idea!"
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Good night!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27# Whenever I'm out trying to have some fun
0:25:27 > 0:25:30# They say it'll kill you
0:25:30 > 0:25:31# Ooh-ooh-ooh!
0:25:31 > 0:25:35# They tell you don't eat that burger with the sesame bun
0:25:35 > 0:25:39# It's going to kill you Kill me too
0:25:39 > 0:25:43# They say go on a diet Steam it, don't fry it
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# Now that just makes me sick
0:25:45 > 0:25:47# Don't be a dick
0:25:47 > 0:25:50# And that pain in my chest You know it's all down to stress
0:25:50 > 0:25:54# It's going to kill you
0:25:54 > 0:25:58# I say Lisa Can I get a pizza?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# Pepperoni and some extra cheese
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# She said you can't have that
0:26:03 > 0:26:08# It's got too much fat And it will clog up your arteries
0:26:08 > 0:26:11# It's all gone too far
0:26:11 > 0:26:14# There's too much information
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- # Just trying to help you - Oh, yeah
0:26:16 > 0:26:17# Open up and say ah-ah!
0:26:17 > 0:26:18# Ah!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21# Don't need no medication
0:26:21 > 0:26:24# Just get me a burger with some cholesterol on the side
0:26:24 > 0:26:28# Just going round town Trying to have some fun
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- # They say it'll kill you - Ooh-ooh-ooh!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35# I ain't going to the gym I ain't going for a run
0:26:35 > 0:26:39# Cos it'll kill you And it'll kill me too
0:26:39 > 0:26:44# They say we know you're wealthy You've got to eat healthy
0:26:44 > 0:26:45# Well, that ain't going to work
0:26:45 > 0:26:47# He's such a jerk
0:26:47 > 0:26:50# And you can't eat sweeties Cos you'll get diabetes
0:26:50 > 0:26:53# And it'll kill you
0:26:54 > 0:26:58# You got to have beans And plenty of greens
0:26:58 > 0:27:02# Well, to me that just don't seem right
0:27:02 > 0:27:06# You won't put weight on if you eat vegetation
0:27:06 > 0:27:10# Cos that sure kills your appetite
0:27:10 > 0:27:14# I ain't no fool Don't need interrogation
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- # You are in a bad state - Oh, yeah
0:27:16 > 0:27:17# Got an increased heart rate
0:27:17 > 0:27:21# Don't want no ooh colonic irrigation
0:27:21 > 0:27:24# Just give me a margarita with everything on it
0:27:24 > 0:27:28# I ain't changing my habits Cos I ain't a rabbit
0:27:28 > 0:27:31# I'm a big, fat teddy bear
0:27:31 > 0:27:32# Fat teddy bear
0:27:32 > 0:27:36# So porridge or pasta It don't really matter
0:27:36 > 0:27:39# It all kills you. #
0:27:39 > 0:27:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:05 > 0:28:08E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk