0:00:02 > 0:00:04Ladies and gentlemen, Jasper Carrott!
0:00:04 > 0:00:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Thank you.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Thank you!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Thank you very much.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30You... You remember me! Good start, good start!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Hi there. Welcome to the show.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Now, I haven't done TV for quite a while
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and you're looking at me thinking, "Yes, we know."
0:00:40 > 0:00:43There's a very good reason why I haven't done it
0:00:43 > 0:00:47because I can't dance, I can't skate and I'm a crap cook.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49LAUGHTER
0:00:49 > 0:00:52It's been fascinating. I'm sort of back on the road.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Some things have changed, some haven't.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I've had to change the backstage hospitality a bit.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02For years, you know, it's been booze, uppers, downers,
0:01:02 > 0:01:04that's all had to change now.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Now, now I have to insist on Deep Heat...
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Horlicks...
0:01:11 > 0:01:12..and a bath with a door in it.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15LAUGHTER
0:01:20 > 0:01:22As you get older, cor, my God, I don't half snore!
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Do I snore, eh? You ask Cheryl Cole.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32People don't let you forget that you're getting older.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34You are constantly reminded.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I mean, you turn on the television
0:01:36 > 0:01:40and there's that advert by Michael Parkinson, eh?
0:01:40 > 0:01:45That's right. And he's telling me it's time I planned my own funeral.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And I have to pay for it
0:01:47 > 0:01:50by sending him the money!
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Oh, and if I sign up, he'll send me a free gift...
0:01:54 > 0:01:55a shovel.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Actually, I don't have to go to those lengths
0:02:00 > 0:02:03because I have life insurance.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Yes!
0:02:05 > 0:02:10I tell you, I'm always impressed by life insurance salesmen.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I think they're brilliant, cos what they're saying is,
0:02:12 > 0:02:17"Right, right, Mr Carrott, OK. Every month you'll give us loads of money
0:02:17 > 0:02:20"and when you die, we give it you back."
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Selling time-share's a piece of cake after that!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29But of course, they don't give it me back.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34They give it to my children, which is...which is a double-edged sword
0:02:34 > 0:02:37because it might give my children piece of mind,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40but it also gives them a motive.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I'm getting concerned. They keep sending me to Switzerland.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Hotel Dignitas.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56They found it on lastminute.com.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03APPLAUSE
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I've been a couple of times, it's really weird!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I'm the only one who comes down for breakfast.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18And what do they give you for breakfast?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Cheerios.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26COCKEREL CROWS
0:03:28 > 0:03:33Chicken Pate brings you the news from around the British Isles.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Strictly Come Dancing...
0:03:34 > 0:03:37And it's obvious that nerves get the better
0:03:37 > 0:03:41of this year's new contestants.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44The economy...
0:03:44 > 0:03:49And first-time buyers are taking ever more desperate measures
0:03:49 > 0:03:51to get onto the housing ladder.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54TV news...
0:03:54 > 0:03:59Miranda Hart and Ronnie Corbett team up for a new keep-fit DVD.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Travel...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07EasyJet launches a new £10 fare to Malaga.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11For an extra £200, you can fly in the plane.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15And there's fun at Old Trafford,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18when Wayne Rooney is suspended once again
0:04:18 > 0:04:22as team mates put his hair transplant through its paces.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Pop news...
0:04:24 > 0:04:29And Take That re-form for their final tour of the Island of Sark.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Film news...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33And controversy
0:04:33 > 0:04:38as Hollywood releases a blue movie version of The Invisible Man.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Finally, celebrity news...
0:04:42 > 0:04:47At long last, people get a glimpse of Katie Price without her make-up.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49LAUGHTER
0:04:49 > 0:04:51APPLAUSE
0:04:52 > 0:04:57What I find is that...my generation, and I call them the Baby Boomers,
0:04:57 > 0:04:58if you like,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01we have had to pay for everybody.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I mean, I've paid for my children when they were young,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I paid for my parents when they got old,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I'm going to have to pay for myself when I'm dead
0:05:09 > 0:05:13and now I'm going to have to pay for grandchildren.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Whoopee(!)
0:05:15 > 0:05:17OK, I've got grandchildren.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Let me get rid of a myth here, right.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I mean, they say, "Oh, grandchildren, how wonderful,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26"cos like, when you've finished playing with them and you're bored,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"you can hand them back."
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Balder-dollocks!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34You can't get rid of them, they're like herpes!
0:05:38 > 0:05:43And if me and the missus want to go out, we have to pay for babysitters!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46And if we can't find babysitters,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48we have to ask the parents to come round
0:05:48 > 0:05:51and they won't unless we pay 'em!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57And they're forever at the house, I can't get rid of them.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I'm cleaning up after them, arm stuck halfway up the U-bend
0:06:00 > 0:06:03cos Buzz Lightyear's gone scuba diving.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06And me back's killing me!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I mean, three hours solid
0:06:08 > 0:06:11playing piggy back with my five-year-old granddaughter, eh?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I fell off.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER
0:06:15 > 0:06:18The thing is, we don't make it easy for ourselves, you know?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Cos like, as soon as we get to 40
0:06:21 > 0:06:24we all want to look 20 and that's when the Botox comes in
0:06:24 > 0:06:27and the liposuction and the surgery.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29And of course, surgery can go wrong.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34You won't remember this, but I used to be black.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41And I find that getting old does have its advantages.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I mean, I'm a great admirer of cougars.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Phwoar.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Yeah? You know what I'm on about?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Come on!
0:06:49 > 0:06:51You know, mature women on the prowl,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54lusting for intimate relationships with younger men.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"Go for it, girls, yeah!"
0:06:57 > 0:07:00A cougar for me would be 98...
0:07:03 > 0:07:06..with an insatiable lust for bingo.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Where would you go after a date?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Back to her place, the care home.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Up and down all night...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15on the stairlift.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Actually, Stannah have got a new stairlift out.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21It's called the Rapide.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24It gets you to the top of the stairs
0:07:24 > 0:07:29before you forget what you were going up there for in the first place.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32What does take some getting used to
0:07:32 > 0:07:35is that young people used to respect older people
0:07:35 > 0:07:37but that's not the case anymore.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40We have to respect young people. That's the way it is.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Cos it's a young people's world and everything is geared to youth.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Advertising agencies are obsessed with youth. Why? I don't know.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I mean, we've got the money.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57But why are they advertising BMWs to people with paper rounds?
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Doesn't make sense to me.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02And I mean, all the adverts are for young people.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06The only advert on TV for me is Specsavers.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08And I can't read it.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14And the drinks they advertise. I don't understand them.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15I don't know what they are.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18WKD, Wicked. What is it?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22I don't know. Soup? Beer? Wine? I haven't got a clue.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26And Jagermeister, Aftershock. Why don't they make drinks for us?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29You know, something like a Night Nurse Breezer.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34A Sanatogen Slammer.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39Or how about an alcopop made out of syrup of figs and Imodium?
0:08:40 > 0:08:44You wouldn't know whether you're coming or going, would you?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46APPLAUSE
0:08:50 > 0:08:54This is the biggest investment Aston Villa have ever made, Sergei.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Relax, my friend, he is insured.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I'm not talking about insurance,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I'm talking about the threat of kidnapping!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03My lad needs physical protection while he's in hospital.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05You make sure he gets the best, will you?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Don't worry, he has your very own Sherlock and Holmes.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Sherlock and Holmes.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19That's us.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- S.A.S?- Safety and...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Senility.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Security. He's Sherlock, I'm Holmes.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Thought I was Holmes?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Gentlemen, can I help you?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Yes, we're supposed to be looking after a Mr Kolyvagin.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33He's got tonsillitis.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35He's in the anaesthetic suite.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38The porters will be down in a couple of minutes to take him into surgery.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Thank you.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- Who's Sherlock and Holmes? - Famous detectives.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Well, I've never heard of them.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Just cos you don't read Shakespeare.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52MACHINE BEEPS
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Right, the first rule of security.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Don't let the client play with your Taser gun.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05That happened once. You'll not let it go, will you?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- You gave him a heart attack. - I thought it was a hairdryer.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11It certainly made his hair stand on end.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Anyway, that's not a rule.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16The first rule of security is to secure all access points.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Oh, right. Oh, hang on a minute.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Ooh, they can get in and out of here easy enough, can't they?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26We don't want him exposed to that, he's going to catch his death.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Er...let's move him.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Hey, not so fast. These hands are deadly weapons.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36We're the porters.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Just what a Russian mafia kidnapper'd say.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Badge. We work here.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Show him your Taser, that'll do it.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I left it in the office.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I've got the hairdryer.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Can we get on with this?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51We need to get this bloke to surgery.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53We can't let him out of our sight.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Says his name's McGuffin on here.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56That's the other bloke.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Oh, our mistake! Sorry.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- On you go.- Sorry.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- That could have been embarrassing. - Better safe than sorry.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11After all these years you're still paranoid, aren't you?
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Come on, lighten up a bit.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Watch your backs!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16OK, easy as you go, lads. Take it easy.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Leave this to me, all right?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Some of us have still got our police instinct.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25All right, lads?
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Good day to you.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31The sun is always shining in Leamington Spa.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I wouldn't know, I've never been.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Enough small talk. We are here for comrade Mr Kolyvagin.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Now, you're not here to kidnap him, are you?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45DAVE LAUGHS
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- ALL LAUGH - Sound. Come on, this way.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57PUNCHES THROWN AND SCUFFLING
0:12:03 > 0:12:05HE SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Stop! He's broken my leg!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12You're such a wimp. Hang on a minute, hang on.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Sorry, needs must.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Police! Police!
0:12:19 > 0:12:20We are the police!
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- 'Doors closing. Going down.'- They're in the lift, they're in the lift!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Wait! Aah!
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Come on, Bob, the stairs!
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Me hands. You're not worried about me hands, are you, no?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33BOB PANTS
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I'm getting too old for this.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38All right for you. You've been sitting down the whole way.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- What you doing?- It's oxygen. - You can't do that.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44That is abuse of hospital property.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46We are in enough trouble as it is.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48We've lost a £100 million footballer.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Here, give us a swig.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52DAVE INHALES DEEPLY
0:12:56 > 0:12:59APPLAUSE
0:12:59 > 0:13:02# There she was just walking down the street
0:13:02 > 0:13:04# Singing, do-wah diddy-diddy dum diddy-do... #
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- WOMAN SHOUTS:- Turn it off!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08# Tappin' her fingers... #
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Oi!
0:13:09 > 0:13:12APPLAUSE
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Dad, why does it have to be so loud?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19It's not loud, I can hardly hear it.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I'm going out soon, anyway.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Whoa, whoa, are you going to go out dressed like that?
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Like what?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Like Jeremy Clarkson in Primark.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33All the lads wear this.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35All right. Got your mobile phone?
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Yes.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Have you learnt to text yet?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Boring!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Oh, God. All right, well, if you lose it
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- you pay for it out of your own winter fuel allowance.- What?!
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Where are you going to go?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- HE MUMBLES - I'll go out and em...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52You're off to the golf club again, aren't you?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Well, there's nothing to do round here, is there?
0:13:54 > 0:13:59You cannot spend all day mucking about in a sandpit.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Why don't you get a job? - I had a job!
0:14:03 > 0:14:04What happened to it?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I turned up one day and someone else was doing it.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- SHE SNIFFS - What's that... What's that smell?
0:14:14 > 0:14:15What are you wearing?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17VapoRub.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:20- Really?- The ladies love it!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Oh. Ooh! Have you got protection?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Oh!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Yes!- Thank you.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32And don't forget what I told you about drugs.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37- HE SIGHS - Don't get the arthritis ones mixed up with the angina ones.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Very good.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41So what time shall I pick you up?
0:14:41 > 0:14:42You don't have to do that.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Whoa, whoa, whoa. Last time the police brought you home.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- Yes, but...- And why did the police bring you home?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Because I couldn't remember where I lived.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Mm.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56And...you couldn't walk in a straight line.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Well, I've got a new hip now!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I'm not having any of this nonsense any more.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Any more trouble, there will be no Countdown for a week.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07It's like living with Adolf Hitler here!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09It's... Who?
0:15:11 > 0:15:12All right, OK.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15You know what, I'll pick you up at 11.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16- 11?- Yes.
0:15:16 > 0:15:1811?!
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I'm not a teenager!
0:15:20 > 0:15:22All right! Half past nine.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Thank you.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- Well, have a lovely time.- Thank you.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Whoa, going to give us a kiss?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34What? Oh, do I have to?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36No-one's here to see!
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Thank you.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I feel a big sissy now!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Oi!
0:15:42 > 0:15:43- Now what?!- Woolly hat.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I can still have you adopted, you know!
0:15:52 > 0:15:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:58 > 0:16:00OK, OK. Here's a task.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05Give me a word that rhymes with bankers.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11You didn't have to phone a friend, did you? No.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15That's two different words that mean exactly the same thing.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19And these tosspots have destroyed the economy of the world.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24I mean, I've got a friend who is a banker and he is ashamed to admit it.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27He refuses he has anything to do with banking.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30He'll admit to being a British National Party supporter...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34..but banker? No.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36You see, the trouble began
0:16:36 > 0:16:39when bankers started to loan money they haven't got,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41to people they didn't know,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44to buy houses they couldn't afford
0:16:44 > 0:16:46at interest rates that were astronomical.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49They paid themselves fortunes to do it
0:16:49 > 0:16:52and when it all went belly up, they threw their hands in the air
0:16:52 > 0:16:55and went, "Pfft, who could have predicted that?"
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Yeah.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Yeah.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06All these bankers running out of the woods going,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09"You won't believe what the bears are doing in there!"
0:17:12 > 0:17:14And do the bankers blame themselves?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17No. They blame the pigs.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21No, not the police, the PIGS...
0:17:21 > 0:17:24that's Portugal, Ireland, Greece and Spain.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Countries that are all going bankrupt
0:17:27 > 0:17:30and expecting us to get them out of the mire.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Does that not worry you?
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Because on the horizon is Hungary, Italy,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Turkey and Estonia.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Then you'll have pig shite.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:47APPLAUSE So...
0:17:51 > 0:17:55I mean, it's farcical. I mean, let's take Greece. OK?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Well, we could do, the amount of money we've given them.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Six billion euros!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I mean, what are they spending it on?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05It's not new buildings, is it?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07It's not driving lessons.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I tell you what they spend it on...
0:18:11 > 0:18:12the military.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Greece has a population of 11 million people.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20Half a million of them are in the army. Half a million!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22How many troops do you need
0:18:22 > 0:18:25to protect Mykonos from British hen parties?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30And who's going to invade Greece? It won't be America, will it?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Oh, no, the only oil in Greece is in the food.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39But, have you seen the Greek military?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I mean, it is farcical.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45They wear those military slippers with pompoms on
0:18:45 > 0:18:47and ra-ra skirts and beanie hats.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51It'd be like being invaded by half a million Morris dancers.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57But of course, the language of money is changing.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01I was trying to explain to my grandchildren what a trillion was.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03And this is a fact,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06that if Jesus Christ had spent
0:19:06 > 0:19:11a million pounds a day from the day he was born to the present day,
0:19:11 > 0:19:16he wouldn't even be anywhere near spending a trillion pounds.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18It's that much.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22And not that Jesus would spend a million pounds a day.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Oh, no, Jesus saves.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:39They ought to put him in goal at the Arsenal.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I mean, a billionaire is a rich man now
0:19:45 > 0:19:48and there's a race on of course, to be the first trillionaire.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51It's between Bill Gates, the Sultan of Brunei
0:19:51 > 0:19:53and Manchester City's centre forward.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59And I don't know about you, I've lost track of the meaning of money.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I mean, I was on the train
0:20:01 > 0:20:04coming down from Birmingham to here last week.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Yes, yes, I can afford the train.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10It's flash, isn't it?
0:20:10 > 0:20:15And I bought a cup of tea and it was £1.70.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19£1.70 for a cup of tea.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20It's a tea bag and some water.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22£1.70!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25You could go to Asda and get kitted out for a wedding for that!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33People are losing confidence in money
0:20:33 > 0:20:37which is why they are now prepared to pay nearly 2,000
0:20:37 > 0:20:39for an ounce of gold.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42And why? Why are people buying gold?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I mean, it's not an essential, is it?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47It's not like food or golf.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52It's just soft and melty but we buy it.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56You might just as well have a monetary system based upon Mars bars.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Soft, melty but at least you can eat them.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01And it's not so daft
0:21:01 > 0:21:04because economists use something called the Mars Bar Principle
0:21:04 > 0:21:08and what it means is that Mars bars - ever since they've been made -
0:21:08 > 0:21:11have held their value in relative terms
0:21:11 > 0:21:15because in 1950, a week's wages would buy you 500 Mars bars
0:21:15 > 0:21:18and a week's wages today would buy you 500 Mars bars.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23Now, if Jesus Christ had invested
0:21:23 > 0:21:28one million pounds a day in chocolate bars,
0:21:28 > 0:21:32today he would have 735 billion of them...
0:21:33 > 0:21:34..and diabetes.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40But money is becoming even more ludicrous now
0:21:40 > 0:21:43because the Government are starting something called
0:21:43 > 0:21:45"quantitative easing."
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Not easy to say.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Basically, it's a euphemism for printing money.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54They're just going to print money out of thin air.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57£275 billion of it.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02I mean, you know, it's like "Go straight to jail, do not pass go."
0:22:02 > 0:22:04We're in Monopoly world here.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06The point is, if this carries on,
0:22:06 > 0:22:10eventually, the cost of the paper and the ink to print the money
0:22:10 > 0:22:13will be more than the face value of the money they're printing.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16So the Government are going to have to borrow more money
0:22:16 > 0:22:19to pay for the cost of printing the money they're borrowing
0:22:19 > 0:22:22to pay for the cost of printing the money
0:22:22 > 0:22:24that's not worth the paper it's written on!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27APPLAUSE
0:22:33 > 0:22:35And you tell people that and they don't believe you!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39At home, this is for real.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40At home, seriously,
0:22:40 > 0:22:45I have a ten trillion dollar Zimbabwean bank note.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Seriously, A ten trillion dollar Zimbabwean bank note.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51It's the length of a toilet roll
0:22:51 > 0:22:55and ironically, it's not enough to buy a toilet roll in Zimbabwe.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57And in fact, people in Zimbabwe
0:22:57 > 0:23:00use the bank notes instead of toilet paper,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03which is satisfying because after 30 years of Mugabe,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06his face is finally being put to good use.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Bob?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Bob?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Just another couple of minutes, sweetheart.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Give me a nice, big cuddle.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26BOB!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Yaargh!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31We are in deep trouble!
0:23:31 > 0:23:32No-one need find out.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34We didn't do anything, did we?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Not that!
0:23:36 > 0:23:40You have lost one hundred million pounds worth of footballer.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Me?- Yes, you!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Dave?
0:23:44 > 0:23:45God, they'll lynch us.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- Dave.- What?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49That footballer bloke...
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Yeah, the one you lost!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Yeah, him.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54We switched him over.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Yes.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59He was here.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- BOTH:- And now, he's here!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- THEY CHEER - We've done it!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08What is all that noise? Oh, it's you two.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Finally awake, are we?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12What are we doing here?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16We found you in the corridor, so we popped you into bed.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17He's here!
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Yes, of course he's here. Would you please keep your voices down.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23He's recovering from surgery.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Dave? He's still got his tonsils.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Of course he's still has his tonsils! Why wouldn't he?
0:24:33 > 0:24:37We don't remove a man's tonsils when we amputate a leg, do we now?
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Mr McGuffin here had blood clots, not tonsillitis.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49DOOR CLOSES
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Waa-ah!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56BOB YELLS
0:24:56 > 0:24:59This was our £100 million footballer!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01He's only worth £50 million now.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- Let's get out of here. - What's the hurry, he's not going to chase us?!
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- It's not him I'm worried about. - BOB WHIMPERS
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Hello.- Can I help you?
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Yes, we're just here to see
0:25:14 > 0:25:17how Mr Kolyvagin's recovering after his tonsillectomy?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22You know what this means, don't you?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Yep, we have to change the name of the company.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28The end of the road for Sherlock and Holmes.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30How about Scotland and Yard?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Rockford and Files?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35We'll be back.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:43A few years ago, I was turned down by Black Sabbath.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Ugh!
0:25:44 > 0:25:48So I'm getting my own back and I've got my own supergroup tonight.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Just to introduce you.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54On my right, from Roy Wood's Wizzard is Mr Phil Tree.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:57 > 0:26:00On drums, one of the world's greatest rock and roll drummers,
0:26:00 > 0:26:04from ELO, Mr Bev Bevan.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:06 > 0:26:09And direct from Wormwood Scrubs...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13..one of the greatest musicians
0:26:13 > 0:26:15this country's ever produced,
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Mr Rick Wakeman.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:31 > 0:26:33# We are the old farts
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# Tough as old boots and we don't do humble
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# We are the old farts
0:26:39 > 0:26:41# Think you're tough enough? Then we're ready to rumble
0:26:41 > 0:26:44# We are the old farts
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# Armed to the teeth with our Steradent dentures
0:26:47 > 0:26:49# When does the fight start?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# Haven't got a clue thanks to our dementias
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# Tell all the ladies we're licensed to thrill
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# We change with the times and we're all on the pill
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# It's blue, it's diamond, it works like stink
0:27:13 > 0:27:16# Slip it in the lager and they get a stiff drink
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# We are the old farts
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# Wearing super-cool slippers with tartan-covered zips
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# We are the old farts
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# And Simon Cowell trousers with the waist above the armpits
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# We are the old farts
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# Tough as old boots and we don't do humble
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# When does the fight start?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# Think you're tough enough? Then we're ready to rumble
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# We're at it four or five times a night
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# The ladies moan all through it
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# If you have to use the loo that much
0:28:07 > 0:28:09# Get out of bed to do it
0:28:15 > 0:28:17# Make way for the old farts
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# Shove your modern music, who the hell is Lady Gaga?
0:28:20 > 0:28:23# Cos we are the old farts
0:28:23 > 0:28:25# Give us Tina Turner better known as Lady Saga
0:28:25 > 0:28:28# Make way for the old farts
0:28:28 > 0:28:31# We'll be around forever no chance of slowing up
0:28:31 > 0:28:33# Braver than Bravehearts
0:28:33 > 0:28:36# The first living generation never to grow up. #
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Thank you and goodnight!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:11 > 0:29:14E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk