0:00:08 > 0:00:09Wow, that is fantastic.
0:00:09 > 0:00:14I have finally made it to the top of the greatest peak in Great Britain.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18What's its blasted name again?
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Ben Nevis.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Ben Nevis. All right, sorry, I'll go again.
0:00:22 > 0:00:27Excuse me, just hang on, just a minute, sorry, I work for the BBC.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Yes, so do I.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- I've been sent by the Head of Light Entertainment.- Yes.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35They've ordered me to track down a great figure to return to BBC One
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- and present an evening of your style of comedy.- But I don't do that sort of thing anymore,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I do this sort of thing, I do reality now.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I wander the wild and open spaces.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48But for too long you've travelled the world in search of adventure.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52They want to return to the old-fashioned sketch comedy standards
0:00:52 > 0:00:53for a prime-time audience.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55They want me back.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Yes.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Er, let me just get down off Ben Nevis.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03This is something I have to do, this is like a...
0:01:03 > 0:01:04This is like a dream for me.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09A proper cheque. Is it going to be a big show?
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Sets with sofas.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Right. Fat suits?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Highly coloured wigs and you dressed as a lady.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Fantastic!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Absolutely. There's a lot of young people like me
0:01:18 > 0:01:20that have never really seen your comedy, Mr Palin.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:25No, you lead on, lead on, lead on, yeah...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27# I'm a lumber jack and I'm OK... #
0:01:27 > 0:01:30'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Griff Rhys Jones!'
0:01:30 > 0:01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:34 > 0:01:36There we go!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Come on!
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Hang on, OK, OK, good,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46there we go,
0:01:46 > 0:01:47yeah!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51My name is Griff Rhys Jones.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Welcome to The One Griff. I think they're calling that just as a reassurance
0:01:55 > 0:01:57that there'll never be another one.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00It's great to be here and I just, er... I'm having a little...
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Could you just give me a bit of slack there, could you, Dave?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Thanks very much. Thanks very much. OK. Ah, right.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10No, no, er, just, just... You see,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12what happened was, a little while ago,
0:02:12 > 0:02:16I had no intention of doing this show. I was doing other things.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Have you read about that...that inquiry that they're doing,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22the News of the World inquiry?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I-I went along there, I was so furious that I hadn't been hacked.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Me and Rolf Harris, you know, we wanted a little bit more
0:02:29 > 0:02:33press intrusion and so we just, we kept going
0:02:33 > 0:02:36and then I got this phone... Great, OK, thanks very much.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Good. Oh well.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41So a little while ago I got a phone call from somebody
0:02:41 > 0:02:45that I hadn't, I hadn't heard from for 15 years.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46My agent.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49And she said, look, I've just had,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I've just had somebody on the blower, hun,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54and I think you should pay attention to this, hun,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56because... I don't know why she calls me hun.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Maybe she thinks I'm German or something.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01And she said, you need to, you need to pay attention
0:03:01 > 0:03:03because it's the BBC, she said.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05They've got a great idea.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09What they're going to do, they're going to do The One Griff
0:03:09 > 0:03:13and what that means, you see, the big idea is it'll just be me.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16There'll be nobody else, just me alone on my todd.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Yeah. That lasted for about five seconds, actually.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22And then they said let's have 97 guest stars in,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26so that's what we've got. So, oh, I know, I have to mention this.
0:03:26 > 0:03:32For the first time in my life, I'm going to be on before the watershed.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34You know what I mean by that?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37They going... They may force a lot of children to watch me.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I have to be very careful of what I say.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45If you are used to my potty mouth they are a few words that
0:03:45 > 0:03:47apparently I'm not allowed to say.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49And the words are...
0:03:49 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Just because parents might object, the words are
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Justin and Bieber.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Yeah, so anyway, onwards and upwards.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11Dick, I thought you'd be down at Trunchers with the rest of your floor.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14It's about my bonus.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16We've been more than generous, Dick.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20You're a good trader but the financial climate's mighty frosty.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21It's not the old days anymore.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24How can you look me in the eye
0:04:24 > 0:04:27and say that I'm worth a measly million, million, million?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I know a million, million, million isn't what you used to.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I'm worth at least a million, million, million, million, million.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Heard what they get at Cooper, Cooper and Cooper?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41They haven't been delivering at Cooper, Cooper, Cooper
0:04:41 > 0:04:44since Cooper, Cooper, Cooper and Cooper left.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48We've been turning over a comfortable million, million,
0:04:48 > 0:04:52million, million, million, million, million, million, million every day.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54You know that. I know that.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56A million, million people out there know that.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01I've told you a million, million times the money's not there.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I don't know, that young Tony in accounts is getting a million,
0:05:05 > 0:05:09million, million, million, million, million plus a car parking space.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12You're a million, million, million miles off there, Dick.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17It's only what I'm due. I've brought in a comfortable million, million, million, million,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20million, million, million, million, million since I joined the firm.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I'm not denying it's been an amazing two weeks.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I could walk.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29The chances of you finding somebody to do the job
0:05:29 > 0:05:32as well as I do are a hundred to one.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Dick, Dick, Dick,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Dick, Dick, Dick,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Dick, we need you here on the millionth floor
0:05:42 > 0:05:44of Williams, Williams, Williams, Williams and Williams.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Well it's time you started paying me like you did, Bob Williams.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Calm down. Sit, Sit.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Leanne, could you bring in a million cups of tea?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Dick,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03you're working too hard. You've been here a fortnight.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07You must have some holiday owing? Take a million days off.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10You'll feel a million, million, million, million dollars.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Bob, can I be straight with you?
0:06:16 > 0:06:21I'm down to my last million, million, million, million.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I've got the school fees to pay and my ex-wife's on my back for
0:06:23 > 0:06:27a million a week and on top of that I've got an outstanding tax bill.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28- How much?- £11,000.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34How much? Christ! You should talk to Pete in offshoring.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36He'll knock a couple of noughts off that.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I'm a desperate man, Bob.
0:06:38 > 0:06:44I hate to see a man down. Tell you what. It's Christmas.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Here's what I'll do.
0:06:45 > 0:06:51I'll write you a cheque for a million, million, million...
0:06:53 > 0:06:57..million, million, million.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Now you pop off to Trunchers with the others
0:07:03 > 0:07:06and get yourself a nice bottle of wine.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Thanks, Bob.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08You're one in a million...
0:07:10 > 0:07:12..million, million, million,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14million, million, million,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16million.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Good man, and don't let anybody say we don't know what someone's worth.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25APPLAUSE
0:07:26 > 0:07:29What team do you support, then?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Um, I don't. I mean, I don't really follow football.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I've no interest in it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Oh right. Yeah. How d'you mean?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- I'm just not a fan.- But you have to have team, don't yer?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45No, you don't really. I don't have a team.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oh yeah, you have to have a team.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- I mean, who do you support then? - No-one.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59I don't have any interest in football.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Oh, right, yeah. I get you, yeah.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05So who do you support then? You have to have a team.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06No.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13- You do, you do. You live somewhere, don't yer?- Yes. But I don't.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I know, but, I mean, if you live somewhere,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17then, you have a team. That's who you support.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- Who do you support when there's a match on? - I don't support anyone. I don't...
0:08:21 > 0:08:26I don't have any interest in what happens when a man kicks a ball.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31- Oh right, I see. Except when it's an England match or something like that.- No.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34No, course you do. Everybody does when England's on.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37That's what happens. That's what you support, England.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Even my old mum. She supports England. She does.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43That's what she does. Everybody does.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46# Engaland, Engaland, Engaland,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50# Engaland, Engaland, Engaland...#
0:08:50 > 0:08:52# Why aye...#
0:08:52 > 0:08:53No.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Are you Welsh?
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Or Wales.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05No, you're making this up now 'cos everybody supports a country. Everybody's got a country.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09That's the way it is cos you was born in a country and you was raised in a country.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13That is your country, like if there's a war or something like that.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15If they drop a bomb on it then you have to support it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18It's the same with your team. You have to support it.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21If it's Cameroon or France or Argentina or Brasilia
0:09:21 > 0:09:23or wherever it is you have to support it.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25That is the team. That is your team.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I'm Japanese.
0:09:37 > 0:09:44# Well come on, Japan Come on Japan, Japan! #
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Listen, can we please talk about something else?
0:10:01 > 0:10:02What's your favourite year?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04My favourite year?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Yeah, your favourite year from the 1960s.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I don't really do favourite years.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Your favourite year from the late 1960s,
0:10:13 > 0:10:18not including '65, '67, '68 or '69.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Well, it's NOT 1966.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- That was a great year though, weren't it? - No, it wasn't.- A great year.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Shall I tell you why?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28No, no, please don't tell me. I don't want to know.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I have no interest in this. None.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Nil, if you understand that.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Nil, nil.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Nil, nil, nil, nil.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39I am still a man.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43I have a wife. I pee standing up. I drink beer.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44I grow hair under my chin.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I am a man,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49a man who does not care about
0:10:49 > 0:10:53foooot baaaall.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Still that Rooney's a bit of class, isn't he?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Aaargh!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:14 > 0:11:19Eeugh!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Do you know what?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I'm beginning to wish I hadn't bought you that endoscope.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Eugh, eugh!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46NO SOUND
0:11:48 > 0:11:50NO SOUND
0:11:54 > 0:11:55BLEEP
0:11:55 > 0:11:58'Place item in bagging area.'
0:12:04 > 0:12:06'Unexpected item in bagging area.'
0:12:13 > 0:12:15'Place item in bagging area.'
0:12:18 > 0:12:20'Unexpected item in bagging area.'
0:12:22 > 0:12:25'Place item in bagging area.'
0:12:25 > 0:12:28IMPATIENT TONE: 'Place the item in the bagging area.'
0:12:28 > 0:12:30LAUGHTER
0:12:30 > 0:12:33'Place the item in the bagging area!'
0:12:42 > 0:12:44'Unexpected item in bagging area.'
0:12:44 > 0:12:46ALARM WAILS
0:12:46 > 0:12:49'Place the bagging area back in the bagging area.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54'Place the bagging area back in the bagging area.'
0:12:56 > 0:12:59'Unexpected bagging area in bagging area.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03'Unexpected bagging area in bagging area.'
0:13:08 > 0:13:10'Extremely unexpected item in bagging area.'
0:13:13 > 0:13:15'Do not touch me again!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19'Stand and wait for assistance.'
0:13:19 > 0:13:21ALARM BLARES
0:13:21 > 0:13:27'Security please, gormless imbecile in bagging area.'
0:13:27 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Mr Blue, you're going to get the money in the bags.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Mr Red, you're going to be covering the front entrance
0:13:41 > 0:13:43while we slip out the side door.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48Mr Black, you're going to have the car ready to go and we're away.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50So, thank you very much, gents. Let's go.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Excuse me, excuse me.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56So what is it now, Mr Green?
0:13:56 > 0:13:57That's right, Mr Green.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01As the environmental officer of this job there are a few concerns
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I'd like to flag up.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- Look, we've got to catch them between shifts, all right, we've got to go. - Just a minute,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I think we agreed that we will be a carbon neutral
0:14:10 > 0:14:13bank robbing firm by 2015, didn't we?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Well, it was more of an aim.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- It was a promise. - No, no, it was never a definite.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- You signed a pledge!- All right, that's enough, that's enough.
0:14:22 > 0:14:28First up, this getaway vehicle, what is that we're going to get?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- I stole a Jaguar and changed the plates.- We should have gone for an electric vehicle.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35They're easy to nick. You just have to unplug them.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Mr Blue. What have you got in the way of weaponry there?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Ah, that's good, that's wood, isn't it? Cos that is green.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47But have you got a certificate showing it was sourced
0:14:47 > 0:14:48from a sustainable forest?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50No.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Well, we are not taking this seriously, are we, gentlemen?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57We'll get green tomorrow. Right now we're running out of time.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01I'll tell you another thing that's running out of time.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02This planet of ours.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06If we don't do something about it,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09there won't be a world for our kids to rob and thieve in.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16There won't be any witnesses for you to intimidate.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20There won't be any of Mother Nature's bounty to turn
0:15:20 > 0:15:25into narcotics to sell in that fish and chip shop of yours in Romford.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Is that what you want?!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28No.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32You're right. We can make a difference.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Come on, boys, we can be mean and green.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Yeah. Let's go for it.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41After we've had a health and safety presentation from Mr Orange.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44ALARM RINGS
0:15:52 > 0:15:53I'm on, I'm on, I'm on.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54OK, all right.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Look out for the traffic!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Hello. My name's Dan.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I'm really humbled to be able to talk to you all today.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18I suppose my problems began when I started getting
0:16:18 > 0:16:22a huge adrenaline rush out of multi-partner situations.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28I found I wanted more and more partners and more and more sex,
0:16:28 > 0:16:29usually online,
0:16:29 > 0:16:33and I was getting a high out of the number of lovers I had
0:16:33 > 0:16:37and also found I needed more out of every encounter,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40more extreme,
0:16:40 > 0:16:44which culminated in that sorry business on the ferry.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Yeah, but that was the old me.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52You haven't come here to listen to me ramble on.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Congratulations, Mum and Dad, 50 years.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58To John and Barbara.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09over the last three weeks you've been presented,
0:17:09 > 0:17:14not to say bombarded, with a lot of superficially
0:17:14 > 0:17:17convincing circumstantial evidence against my client.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23And you must give it due consideration, but having done so,
0:17:23 > 0:17:30you may well think that the prosecution hasn't proved a thing.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Looking at my client, you may well think...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39..he seems such a nice lad, doesn't he?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Doesn't look a wrong 'un, does he?
0:17:42 > 0:17:46You may well think you've always had a sense about people
0:17:46 > 0:17:49and your instinct tells you he didn't do it.
0:17:50 > 0:17:55You may well think, you can't trust the pigs anyway, can you, man?
0:17:57 > 0:18:02They probably fitted him up. And you may well think that even if they didn't, if he goes into jail,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05he comes out, he's probably worse than when he went in.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10You may well think, you hope everyone else knows what they reckon
0:18:10 > 0:18:14because you were, like, totally not listening to any of that.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18And you may think it is probably quicker to let him go
0:18:18 > 0:18:21and besides, he looks well fit.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26You may well think,
0:18:26 > 0:18:30he's probably guilty as hell
0:18:30 > 0:18:34but there's no way you're saying that.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40What if he goes to jail, serves his sentence, comes out and hunts you
0:18:40 > 0:18:42down like in that film you saw?
0:18:42 > 0:18:48You may think the law be no friend of the brave buccaneer, arrr.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Ha-har!
0:18:50 > 0:18:56And you may think these foolish mortals play at justice
0:18:56 > 0:19:01but you are the great god Pan and laugh at their contrivance.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04You shall declare this guilty human innocent
0:19:04 > 0:19:08and then we shall see sport. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12And you may think...
0:19:15 > 0:19:19DRONES
0:19:20 > 0:19:22CLICKS
0:19:25 > 0:19:29You may all think, Arsenal, Arsenal, Arsenal,
0:19:29 > 0:19:33we're never going to send a Gooner down.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35I rest my case.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44I can't believe it, I mean, it's amazing, isn't it?
0:19:44 > 0:19:49Fancy bumping into you after all this time,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52in exactly the same place.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:5916 years. 16 years, I can't believe it.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Sorry, do I know you?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Guck!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Go on, yeah, you still got the same sense of humour,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12you still got the same twinkle.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16You got... You still got the same early on-set dementia.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Mmm.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Come on, then. What you been up to?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Oh me, oh, over the last 16 years? Where...
0:20:23 > 0:20:28Where would I begin? Cor dear, dear. Well, I mended that shower.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And what about you? Did you, did you open that Spanish tapas bar?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Oh, the tapas bar.- Yeah.- Absolutely.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Oh yeah, found a lovely spot on the beach.- Yeah.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40And all the tables out the front there.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43You know, local waitresses, and parasols and pedalos
0:20:43 > 0:20:46and oh, oh it was the works. Yeah.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Great. That was in Marbella, was it?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50It was in the Falklands.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55A bit of a disaster, actually.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- Right.- Still anyway. How are the kids?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- The kids?- Yeah. - Oh well, it's nice of you to ask.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Chantelle, you know, she just turned 30.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04- No!- Yeah.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Your little Chantelle has just turned 30?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Yeah, yeah. She's a grandmother now. - Yeah.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16No. You see, I can't do this.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- What do you mean? - I can't, I can't do... - What are you talking about?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21All this small talk.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26There's an elephant in the room.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30A great big elephant in this room.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31What are you going on about?
0:21:31 > 0:21:3516 years and we haven't talked to each other.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Do you think we can just forget it just like that?!
0:21:37 > 0:21:4116 years since you, you, walked out, disappeared.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43And the last thing you said,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46as you turned in the door was, "He's paying."
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Why, why do you want to drag this up now? Why now?
0:21:53 > 0:21:54I have to.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I went to the doctor.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01He told me, he told me I'm going to, I'm going to die.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Oh my God.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06How long have you got?
0:22:08 > 0:22:0925 years.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Maybe 30, you know, so we've got to try and sort this out, you know.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Cos we were like... We was like best mates, we was. Weren't we?
0:22:18 > 0:22:22We did everything together. We drunk together, we worked together.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Smashed up the Blue Peter garden together.- That's right, we did.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29And when you disappeared, people used to say to me, "Where's the other one."
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- That's what they say?- Mm? - They did.- Mm?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Yeah. They said, there's supposed to be two of you, you know.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38"How are you going to move this bloody piano on your own?"
0:22:38 > 0:22:40All right. OK. You want the truth, right.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Well, it was something you said.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Something I said?- Something you said on my special day.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Mine and Patricia's special day.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Oh not... You, what,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I can't, what, you mean... all of this cos
0:22:55 > 0:22:59I said something cynical about your wedding.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Something cynical?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04You almost managed to ruin my ninth marriage.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11No, it was something else you said anyway.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13At the urinal, right?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15You remember it?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- I think so.- Yeah.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19It was a white porcelain one with one of them
0:23:19 > 0:23:21glass screens, weren't it?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- Do you remember what you said?- No.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25No, cos the words you used that day,
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- that put me into a tailspin, mate. - I don't remember what it was.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I ended up lying in bed all day with the curtains closed.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Well, at least you didn't change your routine.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I was, I was diagnosed...
0:23:40 > 0:23:41..tripolar.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Tripolar?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I was up, I was down, I was sideways.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Yeah, I went to that, erm, telephone box
0:23:52 > 0:23:54in Peckham High Street, you know,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- and, erm, yeah, to ring the Samaritans, yes.- Yes.
0:23:57 > 0:24:03And then instead of calling them, I had an epiphany.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Yeah, I think I've seen her card in that phone box.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13I said to myself,
0:24:13 > 0:24:19why let some jumped-up scrawny little git spoil your life?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Oh yeah, well good for you. Who was that?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- You!- Me! Oh me!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Well, was it... was it all something I said 16 years ago?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31What? What?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33You... You can't remember?
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- No.- You really cannot remember what you said that made me
0:24:37 > 0:24:39stop talking to you for 16 years?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41No, no, I can't.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Neither can I.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48It's stupid. This is stupid, innit?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51All the bitterness, all the hurt, you know, I mean,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53and yet look, look at us, sitting here,
0:24:53 > 0:24:57talking like two rational intelligent human beings.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Well, I wouldn't go that far, no.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03If it's taught me anything, mate, this,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05it is the value of camaraderie.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06It's a lovely cheese.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12I'm talking...
0:25:14 > 0:25:15- I'm talking about...- Yes.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- ..Friendship.- Yes.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18- Companionship.- Yes.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23You know, the strong bond between two loving men.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I know, yes.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28You did tend to drink quite a lot on those occasions didn't you, yeah?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I think, because let's face it, mate,
0:25:31 > 0:25:36let's face it, if you haven't got a best friend, then what have you got?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Well, you've got a lot more money.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You've got a car that's not a write-off
0:25:41 > 0:25:43and a girlfriend without a social disease.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- Yeah. You make me laugh, don't you? - Yeah, yeah.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Ah, we've got a lot of catching up to do, my friend.- Yeah, yeah.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52So, getting together tomorrow?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Ah well, I can't do tomorrow, cos I got to go round, cos my lad,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57he's having a bit of trouble at work.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Oh. Is he still at Kwikfit?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- No, he's head of the European Central Bank.- Oh right.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Well, I tell you, I'm free at the weekend if you want a pint?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Oh, well, I don't drink anymore but you could come round.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13I've joined this church and you could help me distribute some pamphlets.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Oh, we never did have anything in common really, did we?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17No, not really, no.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- See you in 16 years, then? - Oh, all right.- Ta-ta.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Squire Bandiman of Bandiman's Mill?
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Oh, Mrs Keppelwick, I've come straight from mill.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh, Mrs Keppelwick, it's your husband, Mrs Keppelwick.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Mr Keppelwick?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40That's him.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Oh, Oh no, what happened?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48He fell into the galloping Betsy.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Oh no...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Oh... well, hang on a minute. You've lost me now.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Your husband, he's had a terrible accident.- I got that bit.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Obviously, but what's the galloping Betsy?- The galloping Betsy,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Mrs Keppelwick, the galloping Betsy.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Invented in 1754 by Josiah Smallwood.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08A master weft curler from Bradford as a means of throbbing floss
0:27:08 > 0:27:10on an open frame of thrashing bobbins.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Oh, my poor dear husband.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16He fell into the galloping Betsy and he died.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19No, no, Mrs Keppelwick, I didn't say that now, did I?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22No, no, he didn't fall in the Betsy and die.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26A galloping Betsy wouldn't kill you however long you lay in it.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28That was Smallwood's genius.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Which pushed my heart... He lives, my beloved lives!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34No, Mrs Keppelwick, he IS dead.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Oh, right, not from falling in the Betsy?
0:27:38 > 0:27:42No, he reached out to avoid falling in the Betsy
0:27:42 > 0:27:44and he grabbed onto the juggling Nancy.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48A treadle loom invented in 1761
0:27:48 > 0:27:50by Abraham Codswaller of Mansfield.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Powered by the buttocks and used in conjunction with
0:27:53 > 0:27:58the galloping Betsy to thrash the twine into spumes,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01which would have been fine
0:28:01 > 0:28:03if it hadn't been for the frolicking Benjamin.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Invented by?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09He's the tea boy, Mrs Keppelwick.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13He knocked what was left of your husband into the trembling Brenda.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16He then got his leg caught in the wobbling Susan
0:28:16 > 0:28:20causing him to be gathered, tufted and fringed
0:28:20 > 0:28:23on the crashing spindles of the rippling Wendy,
0:28:23 > 0:28:28the palpitating Barbara and the shaking Stevens.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32So he's dead.
0:28:32 > 0:28:38Oh, my poor dead husband. He's dead. What has become of him?
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Well, you see this cardigan I'm wearing?
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:09 > 0:29:11E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk