0:00:02 > 0:00:05Ladies and gentlemen! The British Broadcasting Corporation
0:00:05 > 0:00:09proudly presents the Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show!
0:00:13 > 0:00:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:39APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Thank you very much.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45- Thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. - Good evening.- Welcome to the show.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- And a very Merry Christmas to you. - Aha-ha.- Say Merry Christmas to them.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52- Happy Easter.- Happy Easter? - It's a hell of a long show, this.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56- Well, Eric, there you are.- For me? - My Christmas present, from me to you.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- Thank you, I'll open it now. - No, don't open it now.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02- I tend to get rather emotional at a time like this.- I understand.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07- I'll save it for later.- Thank you, thank you. Where's mine?- Pardon?
0:01:07 > 0:01:08LAUGHTER
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- Where's mine?- Just turned 50 and you've forgotten?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13LAUGHTER
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise! Hold that. Sorry!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Yes.- You've forgotten?- Never. - You got me a present?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Present for Mr Wise, please.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- Oh, my gosh! So generous!- There you are.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32That is the most beautiful present I have ever seen.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Only the best for you, Ernie. - It's a lovely desk.- All your work.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I will write some wonderful plays on this desk for you, Eric.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40No, it's not the desk.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43It's not the desk? It's not the two fellows, is it?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- Play your cards right, it could be, yes!- Not the desk? What is it?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54OK, boys. Thank you very much.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Merry Christmas.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER Merry Christmas?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Don't write with it now, because I do tend to get rather emotional.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- A boilpoint pen? - A boilpoint pen, to boot!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07LAUGHTER
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- That means it writes on the skin. - A ballpoint pen.- Ballpoint pen.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13And what's that thing, hanging down from it?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15That's where I snapped the chain at the Post Office.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:02:17 > 0:02:19You got to be quick and run like hell.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- It's a rotten present, that is. Rotten.- It is, isn't it?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Rotten Christmas present.- I thought of that. Can I open this now?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Go on, open it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- I wonder what it is.- Well, it's a long player, isn't it?- Eh? - A long player.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Oh, really? Marvellous, that. I dare not look, really.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Is it something I have always wanted?
0:02:35 > 0:02:40- Something you have always wanted. - An old Bing Crosby or something like that?- It's not Bing Crosby.- No.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Louis Armstrong?- No, it's not Louis Armstrong.- Ellie Wallace?- No.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Des O'Connor.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:54All I said was "Des O'Connor".
0:02:54 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:59If you want me to be a goner, get me an LP by Des O'Connor!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Aargh!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Look at that face! Look at that face!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06That's the most unusual record he has ever made.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Is it the one where he sings the right notes?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- Is this the one?- Yes... No, side two, track three.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16He sings the right note and you hear the slump of the control as he falls over the controls!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- I like that! - APPLAUSE
0:03:19 > 0:03:26- Oh, they love it. You see?- You see what I mean? Thank you!- Thank you. Very good.- Oh, yes!
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- That is enough, that's enough! We have got a dozen more like that.- We've got more like that.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- A dozen more!- That is the best record Des has ever made.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- You mean, there's nothing on it at all? - LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Nothing on it at all! Did you hear that? Where did you get it from?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Boots.- Boots?! Did you need a prescription?
0:03:43 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:49- I got it on the poison counter!- On the poison counter! How do you do?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Have you seen that nose there?
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Looks like Concorde coming out of the hangar for the first time!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59And those teeth!
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Like a set of white bollards at the end of a long dark tunnel.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I feel ill every time...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- What's the matter?- I like him.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Oh, yes.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Oh, yes, I've always liked him.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15He's smart, intelligent, full of wit,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- charm and a lovely singing voice. - Lovely singing voice?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- One of the best ever. - You've changed your tune!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24As far as I'm concerned, I still think he is lou...vely
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I think you are louvely! We are two of your biggest fans.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Two of your biggest fans. Get a chair for Mr Des, please. - Chair, please.- Cancel that.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Make it a three-piece suite and get Arthur Negus to bring it on.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- Arthur Negus will bring it on. - Lovely to see you, Des.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Lovely to see you.- Des, what are you going to sing on our show?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- I've got a new album...- Just a moment, I need a word with you. Hold on one second.- What's the matter?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I don't mind him standing there, but I don't want him singing on the show.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- You don't?- I'm not too keen on him standing there.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54- You had better give him something. - Give him a get well card and send him home.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Well, Des, I don't know what to say.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- We were just talking about you, Des. - We were just talking about you, Des.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03You haven't stopped talking about me for the past six years.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- He has turned nasty, hasn't he? - He has tumbled.- He has tumbled.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- Start crawling.- Start crawling. - Hi, Des.- Must ingratiate myself.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Lovely to see you. What a great sense of humour you have got.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Lovely suit. Marvellous.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Of course, with a sense of humour, you need a suit like that.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Or with a suit like that, you need a sense of humour!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- LAUGHTER - That's two for the price of one!
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Des, I just bought Eric your latest LP. This is great.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Sing-along-o'-Desperate. I think it's marvellous.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32I tell you what, I'm thrilled.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I ran my finger down one of the grooves and I was impressed.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- Absolutely fantastic. I shall treasure this for the rest of my life.- Yes.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41That may not be too long, Eric.
0:05:44 > 0:05:50Listen, fellows, may I ask one simple little question?
0:05:50 > 0:05:51- Simple little question?- Yes.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- No, it isn't. - No. But don't blow to hard.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59No, it's something different. It's the...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- The insults, why?- Why?
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Week in, week out. Why the insults?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Insults? Who has been insulting?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18If you tell us who it is, we will have him done over, won't we?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- We will!- Won't have that with our friends!- I'll tell you!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22You.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25And you.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Never!
0:06:30 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- Never! Never heard anything like that.- Excuse me.
0:06:34 > 0:06:40- It was you, you and especially, you!- Three of us.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45I have kept a list of the insults against Des O'Connor.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- I have forgotten half of those.- Oh, yeah.- There's a whole series, there.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I shall read them one at a time.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- We are leaving the country in August, aren't we?- Yes, we're going.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Number one. Eric: I've just heard some good news. Ernie: What good news?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Eric: Des O'Connor has got a sore throat.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05You wrote that, didn't you?!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Number two. Ernie: Des O'Connor is a self-made man.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Eric: I think it's very nice of him to take the blame.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22Number three. Eric: Des O'Connor is suffering from athletes voice.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Ernie: How do you mean?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Eric: When you hear him sing, you want to run!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- Make up your mind. It's one of these "keep moving" shows.- It has to be.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Listen, fellows, I suppose with a new series coming up,
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- you've got one or two insults lined up?- Only one or two, that's all.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Only one or two. - That's my album.- Look at that.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Seeing we know you so well now, we won't use them.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49No, we're not going to do them. You're all right.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- Anyway, gentleman...- Where? Oh!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Sorry. I covered your line, there.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- Quite all right.- "Use the word loosely."- I was just about to say...
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- I get a feeling I'm interrupting! - No, you're all right.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I'm working you with my foot. Don't worry about it.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I'm beginning to enjoy it. I was just about to say...
0:08:07 > 0:08:09LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Are they for keeps or just for lenses?- Just for lenses.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- I want to know something. - You have been saving them up.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I want to know who has been giving you the injections!
0:08:23 > 0:08:28I would like to know one thing. In fact, I don't even have to know it.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- It's there in my brain. An indelible thought.- This is all new.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36He never once said "indelible thought" at rehearsal!
0:08:36 > 0:08:40It was all indelible rubbish, wasn't it? Now I tell you one thing.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45- I'm going home, in a minute. - I have... I have come to a solution.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50- Ah.- Aha.- That's good.- That's good. We've got to it now, have we? A solution.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52That one person, and only one person,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55was responsible for these evil insults.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I'm here.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Who? Who?
0:08:58 > 0:09:03- I don't like to name names. - Was it somebody...short? Short?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Somebody tall...tall.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08With short, fat, hairy legs?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10With a tall, fat, hairless head.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- The man I have in mind... If you'll excuse me.- Certainly.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19The man I have in mind is...
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- Hard.- Hard.- Hard.- Hard.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24H-A-R-D, hard.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27And I'm really enjoying this!
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- What else is he?- Er... Tough.- Tough.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35T-O-U-G-H...
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Another word.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Unscrupulous!
0:09:42 > 0:09:43LAUGHTER
0:09:48 > 0:09:52A report on the economy has just come through from Number 11 Downing Street.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55The Chancellor's statement reads as follows.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57"There may be trouble ahead,
0:09:57 > 0:10:02"but while there's moonlight and music, and love and romance..."
0:10:02 > 0:10:04MUSIC: "Let's Face The Music And Dance"
0:10:04 > 0:10:08# Let's face the music and dance! #
0:10:28 > 0:10:34# You were meant for me
0:10:36 > 0:10:40# I was meant for you
0:10:43 > 0:10:49# Nature fashioned you and when she was done
0:10:50 > 0:10:57# You were all the sweet things rolled into one
0:11:01 > 0:11:06# Plaintive melody
0:11:06 > 0:11:08# Ah
0:11:08 > 0:11:14# That will not set me free
0:11:16 > 0:11:21# I contend the angels must have sent you
0:11:21 > 0:11:26# And they meant you just for... #
0:11:26 > 0:11:27- # A - You're adorable
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- # B - But you're beautiful
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- # C - You're a cutie full of charm
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- # A - You're adorable
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- # B - But you're beautiful
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- # F - You're a feather in my cap
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- # G - You look good to me
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- # A - You're adorable
0:11:44 > 0:11:45- # B - But you're beautiful
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- # C - You're a cutie full of charm
0:11:49 > 0:11:52# It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you
0:11:52 > 0:11:55# But what are we going to do about him
0:11:55 > 0:11:56- # Who, me? - Yes!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- # A - You're adorable
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- # B - But you're beautiful
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- # C - You're a cutie full of charm
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- # J - You're like Jack and Jill
0:12:05 > 0:12:06- # K - You're so kissable
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- # Eh! - You're adorable
0:12:08 > 0:12:11# B Wander through the alphabet with you
0:12:11 > 0:12:14But what are we going to do about him?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Hey...oof!
0:12:15 > 0:12:19One, two, one, two, three, four!
0:12:19 > 0:12:27LATIN MUSIC
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Pina!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40LATIN MUSIC RESUMES, SPEEDS UP
0:13:01 > 0:13:03MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Are you all right?- Eh?
0:13:14 > 0:13:15# You're adorable
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- # B - But you're beautiful
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- # C - You're a cutie full of charm
0:13:20 > 0:13:24# It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you
0:13:24 > 0:13:26# But what are we going to do about him?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28# Two three, four,
0:13:28 > 0:13:29- # A - You're adorable
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- # B - But you're beautiful
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- # C - You're a cutie full of charm
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- # W - It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you... #
0:13:38 > 0:13:41APPLAUSE
0:13:43 > 0:13:46We've got to get some more guests on the show.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- I know that, don't I, you fool! I know that.- Somebody important.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Somebody with a bit of class. From the theatre or the world of music.
0:13:53 > 0:13:58- Who do you have in mind?- Him. - Oh, no, not Andre Previn!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- Yeah.- He's rubbish.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04He's rubbish. He can't conduct, he can't sing, he can't dance, he can do nothing.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06None of these people will work with us again.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I'll soon fix that, don't worry.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Hello?
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Mr Preview?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15The BBC here.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18We have got a very big show going out on Christmas night
0:14:18 > 0:14:21and we would like you to take part.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Can you do it?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Yes, I'd like to do that. That sounds very interesting.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28What's the name of the programme?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Oh, the Morecambe And Wise Show...
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Yes, well, I'll have to think that over.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I've thought it over and the answer is no.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Thank you. Thank you.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- APPLAUSE - Thank you very much.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- Oh, look.- How do you do?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- A drunk. There's a drunk just come out.- A drunk?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Play it cool, don't worry about it. - Don't you remember me?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59- No, sir. - I was on your show a few weeks ago!
0:14:59 > 0:15:00They all say that!
0:15:00 > 0:15:04I know I've grown a beard since then but surely you recognise me.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- That bad, were you? - LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Hey! It's not the one who comes down at the end
0:15:10 > 0:15:15- and everyone says "Who is she?"- No, no. Could you give us a clue, sir?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- A clue?- A clue, yes, please. - All right.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22# Oh! Mr Porter What shall I do?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25# I wanted to go to Birmingham and they've taken me on to Crewe! #
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Marie Lloyd. Is it Marie Lloyd?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32No, no. Would you just leave your name and address, sir?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Suppose I were to say "Forsythe"?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36You can say that if you want, it's a nice word, that.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Nothing wrong with foresight, is there?- No!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Foresight, he can say foresight, can't he? It's not rude?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Foresight? What? Course he can, yes. You can say it.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Saga!- Oh, you can't say that, that's rude.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50That is rude. I'm sorry about that, lads.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Three of them have put their coats on and gone home.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Sorry, boys. Shouldn't say saga.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Well, what can I say?- Not a lot. Figure something.- Who are you?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- I don't know who you are. What's your name?- Eric.- Eric?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Eric, yes, you called?- Porter! - Porter?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- Eric Porter! Of course! - You remember now!
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- We don't want him on, he was rotten the last time!- Shut up!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13This is Eric Porter!
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Delighted to see you. Delighted.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Well, it was Christmas and I was passing
0:16:18 > 0:16:20and I thought I'd just come round and say Merry Christmas.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Isn't that lovely?- The festive season.- Merry Christmas to you.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- And a merry... - Goodwill to all men.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- And I'd ask for a job.- Get off.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Now, where were we?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- A famous actor like you, looking for work?- I'm in dire straits.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I've played there. It's on the Welsh coast.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Played there.- I'm sorry, sir, we haven't got an opening for you.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Well, look, I don't mind what it is.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I pride myself that I can turn my hand to quite a lot of things.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- I have heard that. I have heard that.- Well, I don't know.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51With a beard like that, you shouldn't have any difficulty getting work.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53That's true. I tell you what. I promise you one thing.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55If we need a busted sofa, I'll give you a ring.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Look, you've upset him now, Eric.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01It is Christmas, you've got to be nice to people. I tell you what.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- We've never had any Shakespeare on the show, have we?- Up till now.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- You'd like a bit of Shakespeare? - That's plenty.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Thank you very much.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13All right. No, no. Just let me think.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Well, it's not my fault, is it? - You have these people on.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- DECLAIMS:- If they could see me now That little gang of mine
0:17:26 > 0:17:31I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine
0:17:31 > 0:17:36- MUSIC STARTS:- # I'd like those stumblebums to see for a fact
0:17:36 > 0:17:40# The sort of top-drawer first-class chums I attract
0:17:40 > 0:17:45# All I can say is "Wowee! Look at where I am
0:17:45 > 0:17:50# "My feet have landed, pow Right in a pot of jam"
0:17:50 > 0:17:54# What a set-up, holy cow They'd never believe it
0:17:54 > 0:17:59# If my friends could see me now
0:17:59 > 0:18:04# If they could see me now
0:18:04 > 0:18:07# My little dusty group
0:18:07 > 0:18:11# Traipsin' round this million-dollar chicken coop
0:18:11 > 0:18:16# I'd hear those thrift-shop cats say "Brother, get him"
0:18:16 > 0:18:21# Draped on a bedspread made from three kinds of skin
0:18:21 > 0:18:25# All I can say is "Wow! Wait till the riff and raff
0:18:25 > 0:18:30# "See just exactly how I sign my autograph"
0:18:30 > 0:18:35# What a set-up, holy cow They'd never believe it
0:18:35 > 0:18:40# If my friends could see me now
0:19:11 > 0:19:16# They'd never believe it If my friends could see me
0:19:16 > 0:19:18# Friends could see me
0:19:18 > 0:19:21# Friends could see me
0:19:21 > 0:19:25# Friendship, friendship Just a perfect friendship
0:19:25 > 0:19:33# If my friends could see me now! #
0:19:33 > 0:19:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:41 > 0:19:45# The red red robin goes bob-bob-bobbing along
0:19:45 > 0:19:48# There'll be no more trouble when he keeps singing
0:19:48 > 0:19:51# His old sweet song
0:19:51 > 0:19:54# Oh, wake up, wake up... #
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Open the curtains, please!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Yes. Thank you. - ORCHESTRA TUNES UP
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- Is this the band? - This is the band, yes.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I've seen better bands on a cigar.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Which one's the fixer?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Which one?- Which one? - The one in the gold lame suit.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26They usually are. Right. I'll go get the music.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- Incidentally, where's the piano? - It's...- Never mind, this'll do.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Now, I hope, sir, that you understand these squiggly lines.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- I think so, yes.- Oh, good. Because the reason I ask is,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43the second movement is most important to me.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46You see, in the second movement, not too heavy on the banjos.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- Oh, no.- Banjo, keep it down.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Vulgar, vulgar. Keep it way down.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54That's the word I was looking for, way down. Yes. That's very good.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58- Because that is me, there, you see. - Lovely.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Me playing the Grieg Piano Concerto. - Yes, yes.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Signed autograph later on, boys.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05If I could just explain to Mr Preview...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08You see, I want you to notice that Eric does play
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- the original version of Grieg's Piano Concerto.- Yes.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- The one we played before we went decimal.- But look here.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- This is not the original version. - Not the original?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- What are you talking about? - I'll explain. It's very simple.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22After the opening timpani row, in the original version,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24the piano takes over. Here you've got that piece
0:21:24 > 0:21:26played by the full orchestra.
0:21:28 > 0:21:34- Ah, yes. But this is a special arrangement.- A special arrangement?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Of the Grieg Piano Concerto?- Yes! - I've never heard of that before.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40That's the idea. Everybody plays it this way.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I thought we'd do something different.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Whatever you say, whatever you say. - I'll announce it, shall I?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Do that.- You're doing well, you're doing well.- Thank you.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, Grieg's Piano Concerto by Grieg.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Soloist, Mr Eric Morecambe,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- conducted by Mr Andre Previn. - Thank you.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01APPLAUSE
0:22:20 > 0:22:22What's the matter?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- The introduction. - The introduction's wrong?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- It's too short.- It's too short?! - Oh, you noticed?- Yes.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36By how much is it too short?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Well, you see, I went down here like that.- Yes.- And came back.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- You wasted some time there.- Yes.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43You see, it's about...
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- I would say about that much.- Yes.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- That's a yard?- It's about a yard.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- About a yard.- Yes, if you could lengthen it by about a yard,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- we'll be in.- And what do you think we can do about that?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- Well...- Well, I mean, that's nothing to do with me.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- My musical manager does all this. - Get in touch with Grieg?- Good idea!
0:23:01 > 0:23:06- You mean...call him on the phone? - We could call him on the phone!
0:23:06 > 0:23:07I didn't bring his phone number.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- It's Norway something-or-other, isn't it?- What's the code?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Fingal's Cave, or something. - I think it's Fingal's Cave.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Mind you, you might not get him. He could be out skiing.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Look, could we just try it again? Try it again.- I tell you what.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Yes.- This time I'll sit down there waiting.- What a good thought!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- Hey!- You'd be ready!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30All right. Ladies and gentlemen, Grieg's Piano Concerto,
0:23:30 > 0:23:34soloist Eric Morecambe, conductor Mr Andrew Preview.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52What?
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Any time.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Could I have a word with you, please?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Look, you see, it's one of those things where... Where's he gone?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- He's there.- Oh, he's there.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- You see... I hope you don't mind me saying this.- No.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12But when you got to the part which was my cue,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- I couldn't see you for the lid of the piano.- Yes.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- The lid of the piano was in the way? - Was it?- Yes.- Yes, it was.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- The lid of the piano.- I don't know what we can do about that.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- He wants to be taller, doesn't he? - Yeah.- Could you wear high heels?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Again?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30You don't have to, you know.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- I don't know what we can do about that.- I have a suggestion.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Would you jump up in the air?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40So I can see you over the lid of the piano?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- If you could jump up...- You want me to actually jump into the air
0:24:44 > 0:24:46on the rostrum in order so you can see my cue?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Yes. I mean, if you'd do that for me.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- You know. If you'd do that.- Yes.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52I'll do that for you.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- Nice man, isn't he? - Isn't he charming?- I like him.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Grieg, by... With him and him.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Great!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09PLAYS CHEERFULLY
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Something wrong with the violins?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39No, there's nothing wrong with the violins.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40That's only your opinion.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45What... What were you playing, just then?
0:25:45 > 0:25:46The Grieg Piano Concerto.
0:25:49 > 0:25:55But...you're playing all the wrong notes.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I'm playing all the right notes.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14But not necessarily in the right order.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I'll give you that.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I'll give you that, sunshine.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28That sounded quite reasonable to me.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Are you satisfied, Mr Preview?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33No!
0:26:33 > 0:26:34BOTH: No?!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36What do you mean, no?!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- I'm not satisfied.- Why not?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Look here. With all due.. Would you mind?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Don't forget, for another £4, we could have got Edward Heath.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:54HE PLAYS GRIEG'S "PIANO CONCERTO"
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Rubbish!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16HE PLAYS ERIC'S VERSION
0:27:16 > 0:27:19That's it! You've got it!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23APPLAUSE
0:27:24 > 0:27:27HE SPEEDS UP
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Lovely!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I'm Eric Porter.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I was on the Morecambe And Wise Show.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Look what happened to me.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54LAUGHTER
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# Bring me sunshine
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# In your smile
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# Bring me laughter all the while... #
0:28:08 > 0:28:11You said we were finishing with that one!
0:28:11 > 0:28:12- # ..In this world where we live... # - You said...!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# ..There should be more happiness
0:28:14 > 0:28:17# So much joy you can give
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# To each brand-new bright tomorrow
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Make me happy
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- # Through the years... # - You said we were...!
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# ..Never bring me
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- # Any tears... # - Crawler!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32# Let your arms be as warm
0:28:32 > 0:28:35# As the sun from up above
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# Bring me fun, bring me sunshine
0:28:38 > 0:28:40# Bring me love! #