0:00:15 > 0:00:20APPLAUSE
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Thank you very much. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24And welcome to the first of our new series.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27I must say how happy we are to be appearing once again on television.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30- What are you doing?- Saying "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:30 > 0:00:34- "welcome to the new series."- Oh? - How happy we are to be appearing once again on television.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Oh, yes, yes, lovely.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Why don't you come on at the same time as me
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- and then you'll hear what I have to say.- How do you mean?
0:00:40 > 0:00:45- Well, I won't have to keep repeating it then.- Oh! That's a good idea.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Of course.- The rest has done you good. Hasn't it?- It has, yeah.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- We'll try it.- Try it again.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our new series.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- I must say how happy we are... - What are you doing?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I'm saying, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...our new series..."
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- You see, you're doing it again. - How happy we are to be here?
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- Yeah, but I keep having to repeat it. Why don't you come on and be here with me?- Ah, well, Ern...
0:01:05 > 0:01:09- There is a reason.- What's that? - Well, you see...
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- Excuse me.- What?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13LAUGHTER
0:01:13 > 0:01:17What's happening is that you're getting there before I am.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER Well, yeah. Well, I walk faster than you, don't I?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Ah, that is it, exactly because you've got those short, fat,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- little hairy legs that go... - LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- You've got short, fat, hairy legs.- Yes, all right.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- All the ginger fluff on them, I've seen it.- Well, don't get personal about it.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35And I've got those long, slender, gazelle-type legs.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- I walk like that, you see. - That's right.- More majestic.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- With the knobbly knees. - No, I haven't got knobbly knees.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- Yes, I've seen you've got knobbly knees.- No, I haven't.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45You've got those short, fat legs that go like that.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- I need a start, that's what I need.- All right, then.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- You have a start.- You go back there. And I'll stand here.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53And then when you say go, I'll go and then we'll meet.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55That's your short, fat, hairy legs going like that.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- You've got knobbly knees. Right. Go.- Right.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Welcome to the first of our new series.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- I must say how happy we are... You see?- I'm sorry about that.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- I went a bit too far. Once they're going they never stop.- Yes, I know.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Well, now that we're here, what are we going to do?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- I've just done it, look.- No. I mean...- That's all I can do now.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14I had a good idea.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I thought if we did all the best out of all the other shows that
0:02:17 > 0:02:18- we've done on television.- Oh?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21You know like that long player, The Best Of Peter Sellers?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Ah, now that is brilliant. That's what we'll do.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to present to you tonight The Best Of Peter Sellers.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28No. No.
0:02:28 > 0:02:33APPLAUSE
0:02:37 > 0:02:42- Good morning, sir.- Good morning. - Can I help you?- Yes, please, yes.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- I'd like to buy a pair of binoculars.- Yes.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I'd like the most powerful pair that you have
0:02:48 > 0:02:50because I'm doing a bit of bird watching and she's only small.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:54ERIC LAUGHS
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Ah. What a pedestrian joke.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Well, sir, these are the most powerful binoculars we have in the shop.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Oh, they're big, aren't they? How wonderful, yes.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Very powerful.- Could I try them? I don't want to go outside.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- No, that's all right, if you just go over to the other side of the shop there.- Yes.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- Look through those binoculars at this pin.- Yes.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- That pin?- Yes.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I can't, I can't see a pin.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32No, that's, that's what I'm trying to tell you, sir.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36If you got to the other side of the shop, look through the binoculars, you'll see it quite clearly.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Oh.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:04- That was fantastic. That was marvellous.- Yes?- I saw it.- Yes.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Very good.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:23 > 0:04:26LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- They are powerful.- Good.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- I saw a pin, it was that big. - Yes.- With a small hand.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- I saw it.- Yes.- Fantastic, that.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- That big. A little hand. - Yes, that's true.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- I'll buy those, I'll have those.- Do you like them?- Yes.- Jolly good, sir.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50They're the most powerful I've ever seen.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- What's the matter? - I stuck it in my thumb.- Eh?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- I stuck it in my thumb, the pin. - Oh.- Yes.- Yes.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- So you'd like these glasses, would you, sir?- Yes, are they expensive?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Oh, no, they're quite reasonable. - Oh.- A small deposit will secure.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09- 10 shillings?- 10 shillings?- Or 50p? ..As the saying goes.- All right.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:34 > 0:05:36# I... #
0:05:36 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:59 > 0:06:05TROMBONE DROWNS OUT SINGING
0:06:05 > 0:06:09# ...come hear the music play
0:06:09 > 0:06:13# Life is a cabaret, old chum
0:06:13 > 0:06:16# Come to the cabaret. #
0:06:17 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:20 > 0:06:25TROMBONE DROWNS OUT SONG
0:06:27 > 0:06:31# Life is a cabaret, old chum
0:06:31 > 0:06:34# Come to the cabaret.
0:06:38 > 0:06:44MUSIC DROWNS OUT SINGING
0:06:48 > 0:06:51# ..took my very smile away
0:06:51 > 0:06:56# Life is a cabaret, old chum
0:06:56 > 0:07:01# Come to the cabaret... #
0:07:09 > 0:07:13MUSIC DROWNS OUT SINGING
0:07:13 > 0:07:17# ..to wipe every smile away
0:07:17 > 0:07:22# Life is a cabaret, old chum
0:07:22 > 0:07:28# Come to the cabaret. #
0:07:28 > 0:07:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:40 > 0:07:46MUSIC STUTTERS ON
0:07:58 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:13APPLAUSE
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Who's upset Frankie?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Come here. I know you, I know you and your new ideas.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- No, this is sensational. - It won't be any good.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26How can you say that? You haven't even seen it yet.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Look, I'll tell you about it. I got this idea when I was in bed.- Yes?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- And I don't often get them nowadays.- No.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34It suddenly came to me, so I played safe and I thought about it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- Yes, this is a good idea, is it?- Yes. - It's new?- Never been done.- Different?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Ventriloquilism.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- You're going to be a ventriloquist? - If you want.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Ah, now look, we've seen all that before. There's nothing new.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50How can you say that? How can you say that in two suits?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- How can you say that? - There's nothing new in that.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- It's not original.- You've never seen the dummy yet.- You've got a dummy?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I'll go and get it for you. I'll be two seconds.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- Right, one, two, where were you? - Oh, shut up!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Oh, no, this is ridiculous. We've seen ventriloquists before.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06You're wasting your time unless there's something different.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07What do you think?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I think you've got something there.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- It's different? - Yes, it's different, I must say.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18It's original. Yes.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I thought what I might do...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- I'll tell you something.- What?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- He'll be a big lad when he grows up. - Can you get him up?- Eh?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- Can you get him up? - Nothing to do with you.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33LAUGHTER
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- You're going to have to tour two men in this act.- What, men in this?- Yeah.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- What do you think? What do you think of that?- Well, it's all right.- Eh?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Murder on the bus I had with him.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Trouble on the bus?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49He sat upstairs, stood downstairs.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54- What do you call him?- Be careful with his leg, it's sensitive.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- I notice... What do you call him? - That's few and far between.- Yes.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- What do you call him?- Pardon? - What do you call him?- Oggy.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- And he's solid oak.- Solid oak? - Yeah. I made him myself.- Did you?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- You know that big clearing in Epping Forest?- Hmmm.- It's him.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- No!- It's true, that.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12600 squirrels without homes now.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- And his pockets are full of nuts. - No.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Can you work it?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- Pardon?- I said, can you work it? - How do you mean? How do you mean?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Make it talk.- Hah, well, I don't know, I've never tried
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- because when he's up straight, you see...- Yeah.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29When he's up straight, I can't get my hand on his thing.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32The thing that you've got to pull to make his mouth work.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- The string's at the back.- That's a bit of a strain for me, you see.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Well, you'll have to do something about it, won't you?- What can I do?
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- I'll get some steps.- Pardon? - I'll get some steps. Hold on.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Yes, I will. Solid oak he is.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- I made him myself.- Stand on these steps.- That's a good idea.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Wait a minute, I'll get on this side.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Let's be honest, it's different, isn't it?- Oh, it is!
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- I'm very impressed.- Eh? - I'm very impressed.- Yes?- Right.- OK.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Hello, Oggy, how was school today?
0:10:59 > 0:11:00MUMBLES THROUGH CLOSED LIPS
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Really?- What did he say?- Pardon? - What did he say?- Where are you?
0:11:05 > 0:11:06I'm here. LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- I can't hear what he says because I'm down here, you see.- I'm sorry.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I can't hear what you're saying because I'm up here.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- Come down and tell me what you're saying.- I'll come down.- Right.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Hold on to him.- Yes, I'm holding him.- I was getting a nosebleed there.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- What did he say?- Eh? Who?
0:11:19 > 0:11:20- Oggy.- Oh, oh him?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- I said to him, "How was school today?" And he said... - HE MUMBLES
0:11:23 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- What was that?- Roughly translated means he ate the teacher.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- Oh, did he? - Because he's a big lad.- Oh, I see.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Well, look, I don't think this is going to work like this.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Don't you think so?- Up top of the steps is ridiculous, isn't it?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- What other way is there?- Well, do it like the normal ventriloquists do it.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- You know, on a chair. - You think?- Of course.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- Can you hold him while I go and get...- I don't see why not.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Solid oak he is.- Yes, I know.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50OK. Here you are. Sit on that chair.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- Lovely.- And let him lean on you. That's it, that's fine.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- He's getting a bit heavy for me. - He is heavy. Isn't he?- I'm only...
0:12:01 > 0:12:04LAUGHTER
0:12:04 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:12:12 > 0:12:13He's lost his bottom jaw!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- Listen! Listen!- What?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Get him to announce the next act. - Who is it?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23THEY WHISPER
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- Ladies and gentlemen, it's... - MUMBLES
0:12:25 > 0:12:27What was that? Who was that?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Does it really matter? Who can follow that anyway?- That's true!
0:12:30 > 0:12:36APPLAUSE
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Stay. Stay where you are. Good boy.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47There's a good lad. Eh?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Go on, turn over, I'll rub your tummy. That's it.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Good boy. Come on, up, up.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57APPLAUSE
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Two, three, four.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02THEY TAP DANCE
0:13:02 > 0:13:06'Scuse me, fellas, I'm sorry, that's very, very pretty,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08but when do I get to sing my song?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- Ah...- Yes. Now.- Now?- Now? Are you sure?- Yeah.- All right, then.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- Yes, yes.- Keep going, you fool.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20We've built the most magnificent set for you. Just for you.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24There's steps. There's thousands of steps and they all go down like that.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Not like that. Like that.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29And the three of us at the top of the steps, we go, "La-la,"
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- and we walk down and you sing your song.- My steps?- Your steps.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- Your steps. Not for me, for you. - Let's do it, come on.- Good idea.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37- Eric?- Yes?- My steps.- Sorry.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47BIG BAND MUSIC
0:13:50 > 0:13:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:18 > 0:14:24APPLAUSE
0:14:24 > 0:14:26KNOCK AT DOOR
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Who is it?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31It's me, Guv'nor.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33APPLAUSE
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Having breakfast?- No. I'm not having my breakfast, Sergeant.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I'm having my lunch. That was my breakfast.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- You fancy a bite to eat?- Yeah.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Thank you very much, I thought you'd never ask.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- I'd like to tell you I've got those two volunteers outside.- Good.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59The success of the whole war depends on this false information
0:14:59 > 0:15:02getting into enemy hands. Do they fit the bill?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04They're expendable, if that's what you mean.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- That's exactly what I mean, Sergeant. - LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Do they know they're going behind enemy lines?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Well, I haven't actually...- Do they know they won't come back alive?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Look, Guv'nor, I've got you two volunteers, haven't I?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Oh, well, they say there's one in every regiment.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18There's two in ours.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- Let's have them in. - All right, you two, at the double!
0:15:21 > 0:15:26Come on, left right, left right, left right, left right, left right!
0:15:26 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Sir.- Yes... Well...
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- You both know why you're here.- Oh, yes.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46There's a job to be done and it isn't much fun.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49..as Lord Kitchener said to the sentry, for tattooed on his chest
0:15:49 > 0:15:52through a hole in his vest was a sign saying, "Caution, no entry".
0:15:52 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I must apologise, sir, we took the king's shilling
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- and we're ready and willing. - As Jericho said to the Kaiser...
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- It's a dangerous job. - You'll be paid 30 bob.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Some crisps and a bottle of Tizer.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04LAUGHTER
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Sir, I must say, it's a big pleasure to be serving under an officer
0:16:07 > 0:16:09who is as brave as what you are, sir.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11And I like you best in the Sweeney as well.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- All right.- You're OK with me, chum.- All right.- Eh?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Now, you know what you've got to do.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Oh, yes, now, if you tell us where the piano is, we'll move it.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Piano?- Piano, sir.- Sir! - We volunteered to move the piano.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- What's all this about a piano? - We volunteered to move the piano.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29The piano that these gentlemen have kindly volunteered to move.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- Oh, yeah, not the real thing. The piano, yes.- The piano.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33The piano, yeah.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35And what else as well?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Well, first they've got to take the communique, haven't they?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40First, you've got to take the communique in order to get
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- permission to move the piano.- Ah! - We've got to take the communique.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- This is a map.- Are you sure?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Now, you'll make your way along here.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55- Doing an act on your own?- Yeah! - Now listen.- I am.- To this hill here.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Oh, yes.- Circumnavigating it as the enemy have occupied the summit.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Then you'll go down, through this gully,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04up here, over the small knoll, and your destination is
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- this hillock here.- Hah!
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I'm sure, sir, there must be another way of looking at this.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11I mean, let's face it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I mean, what do you think?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18APPLAUSE
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Is it, is it possible to volunteer for something
0:17:21 > 0:17:23dangerous around Arras?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:30BOTH: Mother!
0:17:30 > 0:17:34I can't believe it. May I say, sir...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Big Bertha.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Have I seen you in the back of a car?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Inside this envelope...
0:17:42 > 0:17:47..is the nomination for the three best actresses of the year
0:17:47 > 0:17:49which I'll read out in reverse order.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Porter, Dawn, Nyree.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Synchronise your watches.- Right.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- 5:45.- 5:45.- 5:45.
0:17:57 > 0:17:5811:10.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- 11:10.- 11:10.- 11:10.
0:18:02 > 0:18:035:45.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05LAUGHTER
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- On your bike!- Sorry, sir.- Right, left, right, left, right, left...
0:18:09 > 0:18:10- Hold up. Hold up.- What?- What?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Don't be too hard on him. He likes me the best.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18- I like him the best in the Sweeney. - Are you still there? I'm away then.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20It's been a great pleasure working with you,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- I don't care what the others say. - LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I've always had my eye on you, you're a nice fellow.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Oh, ho, ho, ho.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32LAUGHTER
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I've got a great gag for you later on. "Look at this".
0:18:35 > 0:18:38LAUGHTER
0:18:39 > 0:18:43We shouldn't have done this show, Dennis.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- Oof.- Hey.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58CHA-CHA MUSIC
0:19:04 > 0:19:07TUBA HONKS
0:19:22 > 0:19:25TUBA HONKS
0:19:40 > 0:19:42TUBA HONKS
0:19:53 > 0:19:55# Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. #
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Hey!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11# Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. #
0:20:18 > 0:20:22TRUMPET PLAYS
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- # Two, three, four, five, six, seven. #- Oh!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26HE YELLS
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- # Two, three, four, five, six, seven. #- Oh!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42MUSIC STOPS
0:21:45 > 0:21:47BOTH: Oh!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- What's the time?- Eh?
0:21:52 > 0:21:53They said they would.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Coffee break now for the band, you see.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- We've stopped?- Yes.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Sidle off. Dignity at all times. - Yes.
0:22:10 > 0:22:18APPLAUSE
0:22:27 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER
0:22:41 > 0:22:43LAUGHTER
0:22:54 > 0:22:57LAUGHTER
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Send zem in.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08HE SHOUTS IN GERMAN
0:23:17 > 0:23:22APPLAUSE
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- Achtung!- Volkswagen!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Sorry about your arm.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29LAUGHTER
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Zo...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Oh!
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Zo...
0:23:37 > 0:23:42- Ze British pigs.- That's not nice.- Quiet!- That's better.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Have you got a brother on our side?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Oh, I tell you what, Ern.- What?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52You'll enjoy this.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56He is known as Hans Everywhere.
0:23:58 > 0:24:03- Now, my little Englander.- Mein Herr. - It's not slipped again, has it?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- TOGETHER:- Quiet!- Quiet!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- We have some plans for you, gentlemen.- Oh? Lovely.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14We have two methods of extracting information,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17which I shall call one und two.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Very good, Sir.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- Von and two, I'll try and remember that.- Have either of you got a coin?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Coin?- You got a coin? - I'll have a look.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- I'll have a look in my wallet, sir. - You're very privileged to see this.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- Jawohl?- It's usually kept in your vault, yes.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37MECHANISM CLICKS
0:24:37 > 0:24:40By the time he gets in, you know, the pound's gone down again.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:43CREAKS OPEN
0:24:43 > 0:24:46That was just his thumb... Just!
0:24:46 > 0:24:47HE LAUGHS
0:24:50 > 0:24:52No, no coin, sir. No coins.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- Zo!- Zo? It's the zo-show.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06- Hah, hah, I've got one too.- You will be taken from here.- Taken from here?
0:25:06 > 0:25:11And haff your pound notes pulled out one by one.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- That'll be fun!- Oh.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19Oh, please, not that, please, Mr German. Have mercy on me.
0:25:19 > 0:25:24I'm only little. I was always good to my mother. I never went home.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28They were cruel to me at school. That beefy Miller.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30She was vicious with me.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I'm only little and I want me mam.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Hey, you're right, it's good. I'm enjoying this! Oh, boy!
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Didn't half help your loose change!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Well...
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- VOICE OF BENNY FROM TOP CAT: - What you going to do now, TC?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52LAUGHTER
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- And now it's for you.- For me?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- With you, we shall try method number two.- Oh.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03You are going to experience the beautiful Mata Hari.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Any of this business? - No!- Just for laughs?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Don't go there.- No, I won't.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11I like you best in the "Sveeney".
0:26:13 > 0:26:15The Sveeney?!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22BAG SNAPS
0:26:22 > 0:26:27APPLAUSE
0:26:30 > 0:26:33A great sense of humour, that's all he lacks.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37LAUGHTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:50DRUM ROLL
0:27:02 > 0:27:05BANG!
0:27:05 > 0:27:09HE LAUGHS
0:27:19 > 0:27:23# Bring me sunshine in your smile
0:27:23 > 0:27:28# Bring me laughter all the while
0:27:28 > 0:27:33# In this world where we live there should be more happiness
0:27:33 > 0:27:38# So much joy you can give to each brand-new bright tomorrow
0:27:38 > 0:27:44# Make me happy through the years
0:27:44 > 0:27:49# Never bring me any tears
0:27:49 > 0:27:54# Let your arms be as warm as the sun from up above
0:27:54 > 0:28:00# Bring me fun, bring me sunshine, bring me love. #
0:28:00 > 0:28:05APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:11WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Thank you, thank you, everybody, thank you.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26I'd like to thank all of you for watching me
0:28:26 > 0:28:29and my little show here tonight.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32If you've enjoyed it, then it's all been worthwhile.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34So, until we meet again,
0:28:34 > 0:28:37goodnight, and I love you all.
0:28:37 > 0:28:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE