0:00:14 > 0:00:17APPLAUSE
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Before we start the show, I'd like to tell you something about it.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23This is a special production, ladies and gentlemen for the show
0:00:23 > 0:00:25that, er, I'm sure...
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Anyway, as I was saying, this is a special...
0:00:27 > 0:00:29- Can I have a quick word with you? - What's the matter?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31What's the matter?
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- I've got to tell you.- What? - There's been a mistake.- A mistake?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37You've got my pants on. I've got your trousers on, you've got my trousers on.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Well, what are you doing wearing my trousers?!
0:00:40 > 0:00:41- Nothing to do with me!- No?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43In the quick-change room, you were too quick.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Let's go off and get changed. Come on.- Come here!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- That's murder, that is!- We haven't got time for that!- Why not?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Well, we've got to do the show in two minutes.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Get them off now and change. - We can't take them off!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Don't do that. I'm suffering as it is.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03You can't take them off.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05What are we going to do? We've got the wrong...!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- I've got it!- What? - I've figured it out.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Tell them all about the show and leave everything to me.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- All right.- Do as you're told. - All right.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16As you know, this is a special production...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Are you doing it?- I'm telling them. - I can't hear a word.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Well, as I was saying, this is a special production...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:24What's going on back there?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27More than what's going on in front, I'll tell you that!
0:01:27 > 0:01:28AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- Right. Ready?- Yes.- Look at that.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34- What?- See?- What?- That. See that?- Yes.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- Now, as far as they're concerned... - Yeah?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41They think I'm wearing a full suit.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- But I'm not.- You're not? - Because I've got that!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:47- What?- That. A spare leg.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Now, what I want you to do, if you will,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52is whip a spare leg into there.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I haven't got a spare leg.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- Don't just stand there, find one! - Find one?- Yes.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Wait a minute.- I'm sorry about this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- Won't take very long. - ERIC WHISTLES A TUNE
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- You ready?- Yes. - Now, what he's going to do,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I hope, is he's going to whip a spare leg into there.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18- Yes.- Whip that leg into there. That's what he's doing.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- Are you ready?- Yes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Is that it? Oh, right.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Now, right. OK?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- Are you in?- Yes.- Now, then...
0:02:35 > 0:02:36THEY CHUCKLE
0:02:36 > 0:02:38AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Look at me.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Now...- What?
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- You should now have another spare leg.- Another spare leg?- For me.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- I've got one there.- Have you got one? - Yes.- Lovely. Drop it on the floor.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- All right.- There's a good lad.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- Are you ready?- Yes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- There you are.- Yes.- Now, then, take it all easy, nice and casual.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- Yes.- Relaxed. See what I mean. Now, you turn around.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:10It doesn't matter which way we turn, we've got our own suits on.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- That's right.- So we can start the show now.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Start the show and walk off very slowly.- Why?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- It brings tears to me eyes. - All right.- Are you ready?- Yes.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19APPLAUSE
0:04:28 > 0:04:29AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:05:32 > 0:05:34AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:40 > 0:05:43FILM PLAYS
0:06:22 > 0:06:26That was a good film, that, wasn't it?
0:06:26 > 0:06:27- Are you coming, Ted?- Yes, love.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:32APPLAUSE
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- Hey, wait a minute.- Where are you going?- I'm with the wife.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44There's another film on, the Morecambe and Wise Show.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Oh, I've seen it.- Have you? - Terrible!- Really?- Oh, shocking.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Fella with the glasses, great. The other fella, nothing.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Chews nuts all the time.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I thought the little fat fella was cute, you know.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Ah, well, you would, wouldn't you?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Do us a favour?- What?- Give us one of them.- One of these?- Yes.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Here you are.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Thanks a lot.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05LAUGHTER
0:07:05 > 0:07:07APPLAUSE
0:07:16 > 0:07:17WIND GUSTS
0:07:22 > 0:07:24AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:39AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Oh!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49ERIC WHISTLES A TUNE
0:07:55 > 0:07:57AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:04This, er...anybody's place?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- Do you mind if I, er...? - No, go ahead.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Eric Morecambe.- Ernie Wise. - How are you?- Stop messing about!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Thanks for inviting me into your bed.- Yeah.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14ERIC LAUGHS
0:08:17 > 0:08:19It's been a grand day for it, hasn't it?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- A grand day for what?- Well, it all depends what you've been doing.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Do you fancy a rehearsal?
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Pardon?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32THEY LAUGH
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Do you fancy a rehearsal? - No, no. I'm too tired really.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I've got next week's script. It's very funny.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Have they sent us the wrong one again?- No.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Eh? I don't want to say anything, but the bed's moving again.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47THEY LAUGH
0:08:47 > 0:08:49AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:55The finest props in the country, these!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- AUDIENCE LAUGHTER - Eh?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I tell you something else, as well.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05That was a lovely mental picture you showed there.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Are we all right now? - Eh?- Are we all right now?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Next week's script, very funny. - Is it?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- Oh, have they sent us the wrong one, have they?- No.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- It says, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."- Hilarious. Hilarious!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Who thinks of lines like that? They're knockout, those.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- That's not funny.- Makes me laugh. It must be the way you do them.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- You've improved a lot lately. - You think so?- Yeah.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25You're making me laugh.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- "Welcome to the show." - Another gem! Another gem!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Sidney used to write stuff like that, you know.- Did he?
0:09:34 > 0:09:35ERIC CHUCKLES
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Well, I've had enough. I'm going to read my book.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- Are you?- Yes.- I've just finished a good book.- Have you?- Yeah.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- What's that?- By a Swedish doctor. - Oh, yes?- Mm.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- On slimming.- On slimming?
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- Very good.- Oh, yes. Does the slimming work?- Oh, yeah.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54It was awarded the No Belly Prize for it. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- AUDIENCE LAUGHTER - You see? The No Belly Prize!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59APPLAUSE
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Oh, dear me!
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I write stuff like that, you see. That's the kind of thing I write.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Have a crisp.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Must you eat crisps in bed?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Well, it's not pork scratchings, but I like them.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- Haven't you got a book?- Eh? - Haven't you got a book?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I don't eat books any more, I've given them up.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- AUDIENCE LAUGHTER - I'm on crisps now.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I thought you had Great Expectations.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24She couldn't come. Washing her hair.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:28You can do impressions with these. Ken Dodd.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31# Love is like a violin. #
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Oh, give over!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Oh, yeah, another new book?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38This one? Yes. A new book.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Have you finished Andy Pandy and the Gingerbread Man?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Yeah.- I read that. I didn't like the ending.- Too violent.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Much too violent.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Pushed him in that oven like that and stuck a currant in him.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Frightened me to death, that.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- Heh-heh!- Yeah.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- What's that one called? - The Wind in the Willows.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- One of the finest books ever written.- You've read it?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- Have I?- Yes.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- I didn't know that.- Oh.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10No. I remember it because I was in it in the school play.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Oh, were you really?- When I was just a kid, about four years ago.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- Yeah. Ill never forget it. I played Mr Toad.- Mr Toad?- Mm.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Don't you think it's about time you took the make-up off?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Was that it, then?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Any more gems?- No, that was it.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Well, just for that, I'm going to fill the bed full of crisps.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38No, don't! Stop! Oh! Stop that!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41You'll find out where the salt is in a few minutes.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Haven't you got a book of your own?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Read a book!- I'll read my cowboy. - Cowboy?- Right.
0:11:49 > 0:11:56"Hank brought his faithful horse to a halt at the top of the ridge.
0:11:56 > 0:12:02"It sure is mighty quiet up here, he whispered to himself."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04He whispered to himself?
0:12:04 > 0:12:09"A man could be happy in a country like this, he murmured softly.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"Oh, what peace and quiet!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"Just a gentle breeze and his gun belt supporting..."
0:12:14 > 0:12:20- Must you read...must you read out so loud?- I'm a bit deaf.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- "And his gun belt..."- Go and put the cat out!- Oh, all right.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- You rotten devil!- What? - We haven't got a flaming cat!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Two can play at that tormenting lark.- Well, move over!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Look, why don't you sleep in a bed of your own?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You get me a teddy that looks like you and I will!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Get your feet out of the way!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I know you've got short, fat, hairy legs, but must you keep them in curlers?!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I'm beginning to believe all this publicity about you!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Ha-ha!- Will you stop it?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- I can't stand any more of this. I'm going to sleep.- So am I.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Now, put the light out!- Right.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- I said, put the light out! - I've put it out.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Oh, never mind, I'll put it out.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- That's clever.- What?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20How can a little fella like you have such a long arm?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- How did you do that then? - The wires are crossed or something.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Oh, are they?- Now, let's press together now.- Yep.- Here we go.- Right.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29One, two, three, press.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:35How are you doing it? You've saved up for me, haven't you?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Little Party Tricks In Bed!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39ERIC LAUGHS
0:13:39 > 0:13:41All I know is I can't sleep with that on.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Well, You can't sleep with that on either, can you?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I mean, you never do. Are you taking it off?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Are you giving it to Yul Brynner tonight?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:13:51 > 0:13:53APPLAUSE
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Don't get personal.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I don't like to draw attention to it. I'm very sensitive about it.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Well, that's all right. A little bit of canvas there. That's all.- Sh!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- You taking it off?- No, I'm not, because, I'll tell you why,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I never take it off while that light's on. You know that.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- I'm a bit embarrassed.- Oh, well, I'll turn it off. One, two, three.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Ah! Baldy!
0:14:14 > 0:14:18I knew you were going to do that. Devil.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I'm wide awake now, I can't even get to sleep.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Well, give us a song, give us a song!
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- Don't know any songs. - Do your tap dance.- No.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- I can't sleep, how am I going to sleep?- I don't know.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Oh, here you are. One of these pills, sleeping pills.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- Sleeping pills?- Got them at the chemist this morning.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Are they any good? Are they any good? - Oh, yeah. Marvellous, these.- Yeah?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Put them in my back pocket,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- me leg went dead.- Yeah?- Yeah!
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- They're really strong, these. - They won't put me to sleep.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- These will. Bet you. - They won't put me to sleep.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- I'm telling you. I'll bet you a pound.- They don't work on me.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- You'll be asleep before I am. I bet you a pound.- A pound?- A pound.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Out your widow's pension.- OK. - A pound. Get the glass.- All right.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58# Sit at my piano! #
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Give over.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05APPLAUSE
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- You're not on television now, you know?- Oh, well, it'll make a change.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Are you asleep yet?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I've just taken the pill. Idiot.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- They're strong, though, these. - They are, very strong.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29ERIC WHISTLES
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Argh!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- You were away then.- Yes, I know. - You were in the Himalayas, looking for your dad. I saw you.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41They are very strong, I can't keep me eyelids open.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- That's the idea, isn't it? - It's terrible.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45They're very good, those pills, I must say. What's in them?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47It says on the box here.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50"To be taken regularly once a night..."
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Oh...
0:15:54 > 0:15:55What do you mean, "Oh"?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"Mrs Morton."
0:15:57 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:00I've got...
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- You see what's happened, you see... - What?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11He's given me Mrs Morton's pills.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Instead of Mr Morecambe, you see, he's got mixed up, the chemist.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Let's have a look.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18The pill?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"To be taken regularly once a night,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22"Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday..." "Mrs Mor..."
0:16:22 > 0:16:24This is terrible, you know what's happened to us?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26It's not half as bad as what's going to happen
0:16:26 > 0:16:28to poor old Mrs Morton, though, is it?!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Morny Stannit!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Morny Stannit!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Morning Standard.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Morny Stannit!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Morning Standard.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Mor...ny Stannit!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Morning.- Mor-neeng.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Standard.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Stannit.- Standard.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Tan-dord.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Morning Standard.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Mor-ning Standard!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Get your Morning Standard!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Morning Standard.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Get your Morning Standard.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- We are very lucky, you know, in a way.- Mm.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- We've had some great sing alongs on the show.- Oh, international stars.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- International singers.- Slasher.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Slasher?- The French fella, Slasher Distillery.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33We've had him.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Sacha Distel.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38That sounds painful, that.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- That's not a name, is it?- Yes. - It's a product.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Shirley Bassey.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06# They asked me how I knew
0:18:06 > 0:18:09# My true love was true
0:18:14 > 0:18:17# I of course reply
0:18:17 > 0:18:20# Something here inside
0:18:20 > 0:18:23# Cannot be denied
0:18:28 > 0:18:33# They said someday you'll find
0:18:33 > 0:18:38# All who love are blind
0:18:40 > 0:18:43# When your heart's on fire
0:18:43 > 0:18:46# You must realise
0:18:46 > 0:18:51# Smoke gets in your eyes
0:18:54 > 0:19:00# So I chaff them and I gaily laughed
0:19:00 > 0:19:04# To think they could doubt our love
0:19:08 > 0:19:13# Yet today, my love has gone away
0:19:13 > 0:19:21# I am without my love
0:19:21 > 0:19:26# Now laughing friends deride
0:19:26 > 0:19:32# Tears I cannot hide
0:19:32 > 0:19:36# So I smile and say
0:19:36 > 0:19:39# When a lovely flame dies
0:19:39 > 0:19:42# Smoke gets in your eyes
0:19:47 > 0:19:53# So I chaff and I gaily laughed
0:19:53 > 0:19:58# To think they could doubt my love
0:20:00 > 0:20:05# Yet today, my love has gone away
0:20:05 > 0:20:12# I am without my love
0:20:12 > 0:20:18# Now, laughing friends deride
0:20:18 > 0:20:24# Tears I cannot hide
0:20:24 > 0:20:28# So I smile and say
0:20:28 > 0:20:32# When a lovely flame dies
0:20:32 > 0:20:38- # Smoke gets in your eyes.- #
0:20:53 > 0:20:57- Nice to see you.- Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- One of the finest things. - Did you enjoy it?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- One of the finest things you've ever done.- Thank you.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Can I have my shoe back, please?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- I'll get it for you now.- Thank you.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- Entertain the lady.- I will.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- Did that hurt?- No, not at all. I rather enjoy it.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- You wear some lovely frocks on the telly.- Oh, thank you very much.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- I have written a special romantic song for you, actually.- Have you?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Yes. I wrote it while I was behind that cardboard box.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- I'd love to hear it.- It's the same sort of tune as Hey Little Hen.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29# Hey, little hen... #
0:21:29 > 0:21:31It's in the same style as Burt Backache.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36- Backache?- Yes. Well, it's been a pleasure working with you. Charmed.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39It's been nice working with you too, both of you.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Thank you very much. Good night.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56VOICEOVER: 'Miss Bournemouth.'
0:22:02 > 0:22:03'Miss Torquay'.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12'Miss Blackpool.'
0:22:18 > 0:22:20'Mrs Morecambe'.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24You dirty codger, this is what you get up to! I'll fix you!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- Hello!- Hello!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42You the new left back?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Yeah. I'm ever so excited.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I've never played football before.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I used to be over there, by the rifle range.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54In the girls' hockey team.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59You got to wear a long, blond wig.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I wouldn't mind that.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04And navy blue knickers.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07I wouldn't mind that.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Oh, I can't wait to get started.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20- Wish you wouldn't do that.- You look as if you've been around a bit.
0:23:21 > 0:23:2542,338 consecutive games.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28And I only had the trainer on once!
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- And that was for a coat of varnish. - Were you lacquered?- Bound to be.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41What happened to the fellow I replaced?
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- Charlie?- Charlie, yeah. - Charlie Crunch?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Legs fell off.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51And his arms.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54And his head.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58- Can't have been much of him left. - Not a lot.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01And what there was wasn't worth looking at.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- I wouldn't fancy my head falling off.- Ah, it'll be all right.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Arthur will save you.- Arthur?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- The cat.- Why do you call him the cat?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14They're having him seen to tomorrow.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Looks as if he's already been seen to.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- I wish you wouldn't keep doing that. - Can't wait to get started.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Oh, he's here again.- Who?
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Spotty-faced kid with the ice cream cornet.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Haven't you heard about him?- No.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Here, I'll tell you about him. Come here.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Go back, he's listening.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- He cheats.- How does he cheat? - Uses a bent penny.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- What happens?- When the ball comes down, I've got to kick it like that.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Doesn't half hurt.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Spotty-faced kid.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Look out, the game's started!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17One down now.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20We've started again!
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Arthur, get the ball, Arthur!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39We're two down now!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Hey, our forwards have got the ball!
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- I've got no chance, then. - Charlie's got the ball!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46He hasn't scored for 40 years!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48BELL DINGS
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Charlie's scored!- I said he would. Well done, Charlie!
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- Great goal, that. He'll never score again.- Why not?
0:25:56 > 0:25:57His head's fallen off.
0:26:03 > 0:26:09- Great goal there, Charlie. Great goal. Oh, he's back again.- Who?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11That kid with the ice cream cornet.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13If I was out there,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I'd shove that ice cream cornet right up your nose!
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Leave him alone! I like him.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- Get off.- Oh. What are you going to do?- I'm going to sing.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- I'll go, then.- No, you stay with me. You give me confidence.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38- Oh. All right.- Thank you, Jack.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41MUSIC STARTS
0:26:46 > 0:26:50# Guess there's no use in hanging round
0:26:50 > 0:26:54# Guess I'll get dressed and do the town
0:26:55 > 0:26:59# I'll find some crowded avenue
0:27:00 > 0:27:05# Though it will be empty without you
0:27:05 > 0:27:09# Can't get used to losing you no matter what I try to do
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# Gonna live my whole life through
0:27:14 > 0:27:15# Loving you
0:27:16 > 0:27:20# Called up some girl I used to know
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# After I heard her say hello
0:27:26 > 0:27:29# Couldn't think of anything to say
0:27:31 > 0:27:36# Since you've gone it happens every day
0:27:36 > 0:27:40# Can't get used to losing you no matter what I try to do
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# Gonna live my whole life through
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# Loving you
0:27:53 > 0:27:56# I'll find somebody, wait and see
0:27:57 > 0:28:03# Who am I kidding? Only me
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# Cos no-one else could take your place
0:28:06 > 0:28:12# Guess that I am just a hopeless case
0:28:12 > 0:28:17# I can't get used to losing you no matter what I try to do
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# Gonna live my whole life through
0:28:22 > 0:28:23# Loving you
0:28:29 > 0:28:34# Can't get used to losing you no matter what I try to do
0:28:34 > 0:28:36# Gonna live my whole life through
0:28:38 > 0:28:40# Loving you. #
0:28:40 > 0:28:42MUSIC CONTINUES
0:28:42 > 0:28:44LAUGHTER
0:28:50 > 0:28:52APPLAUSE