0:00:26 > 0:00:27Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
0:00:27 > 0:00:30and welcome to what, this week, is a really way-out show!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32From now on, it's go, go, go, all the way.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34We've got some really swinging guests for ya,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36- and first of all, ladies and gentlemen...- Excuse me, madam.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Have you seen Ernie Wise?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43You can't miss him, but you can, because he's only a little fella.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46He's got a dimple, a hollow chin.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48When he smiles, his whole face caves in.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53And what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- I'm not a nice girl.- Good!
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Give me a kiss!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01What are you playing at? It's me!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03By golly, that was close, Ern.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06That was close, that.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Look, tonight, I'm with-it!
0:01:10 > 0:01:14I'm with it every night but I don't go about dressed like that!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16And that coat. You must get rid of it.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- Why?- It's got distemper. You can tell from here.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Look, I don't care what you say, I like it.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24HE SCATS DITZILY
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- Full of it, aren't you?- Oh, yes.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34You might like it. But are you getting any?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Getting any?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Yes, you heard!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Oh, dear!
0:01:41 > 0:01:42- Getting any what?- Laughs!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45You're doing it for laughs, you're not doing it for real, are you?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47You don't mean this, you're doing it for laughs.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I'm not getting any laughs!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52You're getting a few funny looks, I'll tell you that!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Even the cameramen have stopped focusing!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56And they've seen everything.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Good Lord! They've downed tools.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03You don't know anything about fashion, do you?
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Not any more, I don't, no.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Look at me when I'm talking to you. Tell me one thing.- What?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- Did you come here tonight in that hat?- Yes.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Couldn't you get a taxi?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Come on.- No.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Why?
0:02:18 > 0:02:23Just because someone is dressed a little differently from you,
0:02:23 > 0:02:24you have to mock and ridicule.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I can't get over that coat, Ern.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28What's the matter with this coat?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Does it tug when you go past a lamp post?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Promise me one thing.- What?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Don't ever go to the countryside wearing that coat.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Why?- If a big, lusty farmer sees you, you've had it.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47- What do you mean? - You'll be sheared and dipped before you know where you are.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51That'll bring the colour back to your cheeks. As it always did!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Have you finished with the fur coat jokes?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- Go on, get them out of your system. - I've only got one left.- What?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Where do you clip the lead?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Hey, come on.- No, I'm not.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03I look a right idiot doing that by myself.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I'll tell you why I'm dressed like this.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Oh, yes, you will!
0:03:09 > 0:03:13A couple of nights ago, I had a happening.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I freaked out!
0:03:20 > 0:03:21In the Kings Road!
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- Ow!- It's working well, isn't it?
0:03:27 > 0:03:28I'm freaking out now!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32And I'll tell you something else.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I went to this discotheque.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35ERIC SHRIEKS
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I met this dolly bird.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41And we really moved it!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43HE SCATS
0:03:43 > 0:03:44- You did that?- Yes!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- With a girl?!- With a girl!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- All night!- You dirty devil!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51When's the wedding?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Good God!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I've got to dress like that to get a girl? I'd be ashamed!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I'm staying as I am, I tell you that, matey!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00It was good enough for your grandfather.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- You're getting them all in, aren't you?- Yes.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05That bit of business, as well.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08What you don't realise is, when you get to our age...
0:04:08 > 0:04:09You speak for yourself.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- You've got to dress like this to get the birds! - HE SCATS
0:04:13 > 0:04:16I'm going to have to shoot you in the leg. You know that.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Wow! That is fantastic.
0:04:19 > 0:04:25I've never caught such a cool scene, man, that's wild, that's really wild!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Why don't you come over to my pad...?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:55 > 0:05:00# You were never lovelier
0:05:00 > 0:05:04# You were never so fair
0:05:04 > 0:05:09# You were never lovelier
0:05:09 > 0:05:11# Lovelier
0:05:11 > 0:05:14# Lovelier
0:05:14 > 0:05:16# Lovelier
0:05:16 > 0:05:19# Lovelier
0:05:19 > 0:05:21# Lovelier
0:05:21 > 0:05:23SOPRANO: # Lovelier!
0:05:52 > 0:05:56# There may be trouble ahead
0:05:56 > 0:05:59# Aaahhh!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02# But while there's moonlight and music
0:06:02 > 0:06:05# And love and romance
0:06:07 > 0:06:10# Let's face the music and dance
0:06:15 > 0:06:19# There may be teardrops to shed
0:06:19 > 0:06:21# Aaahhh!
0:06:21 > 0:06:28# So while there's moonlight and music and love and romance
0:06:30 > 0:06:32# Let's face the music and dance
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- # I won't tell- # She won't tell - # So don't ask her
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- # I won't say - # She won't say- # Don't ask her
0:06:41 > 0:06:42# I won't dance
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- # She won't dance - # Madam, with you
0:06:45 > 0:06:50# My heart won't let my feet do things they should do
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- # You know what?- # Know what? - # I'm lovely
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- # And so what?- # So what?! - # I'm lovely!
0:06:57 > 0:07:02- # You know what? - # Oh, what?- # You do to me
0:07:02 > 0:07:06# I'm like an ocean wave that's bumped on the shore
0:07:08 > 0:07:11# Must you dance
0:07:11 > 0:07:13# Every dance
0:07:13 > 0:07:15# With the same
0:07:15 > 0:07:18# Fortunate man?
0:07:18 > 0:07:24# You have danced with him since the music began
0:07:24 > 0:07:29# Won't you change partners and dance with me?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32# Must you dance
0:07:32 > 0:07:35# Quite so close
0:07:35 > 0:07:37# With your lips
0:07:37 > 0:07:40# Touching his face?
0:07:40 > 0:07:45# Won't you change partners and dance with me?
0:07:45 > 0:07:50# You may never want to change partners again
0:08:09 > 0:08:11THEY TAP-DANCE
0:08:47 > 0:08:51BAND PLAYS "PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ"
0:09:11 > 0:09:15# You're lovely
0:09:15 > 0:09:19# Never, never change
0:09:19 > 0:09:24# Keep that breathless charm
0:09:24 > 0:09:27# Won't you please arrange it?
0:09:27 > 0:09:33# Cos I love you
0:09:33 > 0:09:38# Just the way you look
0:09:38 > 0:09:46# Tonight! #
0:09:49 > 0:09:51APPLAUSE
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Who you trying now for guests?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Yehudi Menuhin.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24What does he do?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27He's a musician.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Is he? What's he play?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34You know nothing, you. "What's he play"?!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Oh! Hello, Mr Menuhin!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- RP ACCENT:- This is the BBC here.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45We've got a great, big, spectacular show going out at Christmas
0:10:45 > 0:10:48and we'd like you to take part. Are you interested?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Yes, I am interested. What is the name of the show?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55The Morecambe & Wise Show.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59And you say you want me to bring
0:10:59 > 0:11:02my banjo?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:08But I don't play the banjo. Would a violin be any good?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It wouldn't.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Sorry, can't help you!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15APPLAUSE
0:11:25 > 0:11:26- Is the doctor in?- Yes.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I don't blame you for moving.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I'm told it's highly contagious.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:53And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's with great pleasure I'd like to introduce to you now
0:11:53 > 0:11:55that great international star from the continent, and Europe,
0:11:55 > 0:11:59the fantastic, the world-famous Mr Memory!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- Thank you, thank you, good evening, Mr Memory.- Good morning.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Mr Memory, I understand that you have a brain capable of remembering
0:12:16 > 0:12:18every event that ever happened anywhere, any time, in the world.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20That is correct.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Question number one, Mr Memory, could you please tell me
0:12:22 > 0:12:24who won the FA Cup in 1950?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28FA Cup, 1950.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Yes.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30- COUGHS:- Arsenal!
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Tranmere Rovers!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- No?- No, no.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40It was not Tranmere Rovers.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42That was just additional information,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45thrown in just for your benefit. Quite free.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- COUGHS LOUDLY:- Arsenal!
0:12:47 > 0:12:48It was, er...
0:12:48 > 0:12:49- COUGHS:- Arsenal!
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Excuse me. I've got a very chesty cold, here.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Thank you.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58It was Chester!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Chester won the FA Cup in 1950!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- COUGHS:- Arsenal!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Arsenal won the FA Cup in 1950 as well!
0:13:04 > 0:13:09- Absolutely correct!- And the man who scored the goal had a nasty cough!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Congratulations, Mr Memory! - Thank you.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Now, could you please tell me,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16who was the English Prime Minister, in England...
0:13:16 > 0:13:17That was clever!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20..in 1801.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25The English Prime Minister, in England, in 1801.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30Sorry, you nearly fell down that big, deep Pitt, William!
0:13:35 > 0:13:39The English Prime Minister of England in 1801
0:13:39 > 0:13:40was William Big!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42No! Pick again.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44William Deep!
0:13:44 > 0:13:45No!
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- William Pitt!- Absolutely correct!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Thank you! - HE COUGHS - Arsenal!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Now for question number three.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Could you tell me who was it who formed the British police force?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Oh, I'd love to.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Well?- Yes, thank you!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Why, it's easy. Of course it's easy.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07It's as easy as PEEL-ing,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09as PEEL-ing an orange!
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Ladies and gentlemen,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16the British police force was formed
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- by Sir Max Jaffa!- No!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21But...
0:14:21 > 0:14:23The "Sir" part was right.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Sir Nell Gwynn!
0:14:25 > 0:14:26No! Not quite correct!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Sir Not Quite Correct?!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Oh, I ap-PEEL to you!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Oh! Sir Robert Pee-Peel! Peel!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Sir Robert Peel formed Sir Max Jaffa!
0:14:38 > 0:14:39No!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- The British police force.- As well?!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- Absolutely correct!- Yes!
0:14:43 > 0:14:44- COUGHS - Arsenal!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Congratulations, sir. That was absolutely brilliant.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- They'll absolutely be nonplussed out there.- I'm sure they are!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- They can't believe it ever happened. - Can I have my money now?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- You'd like the rest in the dressing room?- Well, I've worked very hard.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Of course you have. Your brain must be tired.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- Oh, it's going mad.- There's your money. As agreed, five pounds.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Was it?- Yes, it was five pounds.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05HE LAUGHS
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- No, it was ten.- It was five pounds!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- No,- £10. It was definitely £5!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Well, you could be right. I've got a shocking memory.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- HE COUGHS - Arsenal!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28BELL TOLLS
0:15:30 > 0:15:32BELL TOLLS AGAIN
0:15:32 > 0:15:34ENGINE SPLUTTERS TO LIFE
0:15:46 > 0:15:49# Oh, there's a kind of hush
0:15:49 > 0:15:53# All over the world tonight
0:15:53 > 0:15:56# All over the world, you can hear the sound
0:15:56 > 0:15:59# Of lovers in love
0:15:59 > 0:16:01# You know what I mean
0:16:01 > 0:16:03# Just the two of us
0:16:04 > 0:16:06# And nobody else
0:16:06 > 0:16:09# In sight, there's nobody else
0:16:09 > 0:16:14# And I'm feeling good, just holding you tight
0:16:16 > 0:16:20# So listen very carefully
0:16:20 > 0:16:25# Closer now and you will see what I mean
0:16:27 > 0:16:29# It isn't a dream
0:16:31 > 0:16:35# The only sound that you will hear
0:16:35 > 0:16:40# Is when I whisper in your ear, "I love you"
0:16:42 > 0:16:45# For ever and ever
0:16:46 > 0:16:49# And there's a kind of hush
0:16:49 > 0:16:53# All over the world tonight
0:16:53 > 0:16:59# All over the world, people just like us are falling in love
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Happy children singing.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04# La la la la-la la la
0:17:04 > 0:17:08# La la la la-la la la
0:17:08 > 0:17:10# La la la la la
0:17:10 > 0:17:11# La-la la la la la
0:17:11 > 0:17:14# La-la la la la la
0:17:16 > 0:17:19# So listen very carefully
0:17:19 > 0:17:25# Closer now, and you will see what I mean
0:17:27 > 0:17:29# It isn't a dream
0:17:31 > 0:17:35# The only sound that you will hear
0:17:35 > 0:17:41# Is when I whisper in your ear, "I love you"
0:17:41 > 0:17:44# For ever and ever
0:17:46 > 0:17:49# There's a kind of hush
0:17:49 > 0:17:53# All over the world, tonight
0:17:53 > 0:18:00# All over the world, people just like us are falling in love
0:18:00 > 0:18:03# Yeah, they're falling in love
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Sh!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09# Hush! #
0:18:10 > 0:18:14APPLAUSE
0:18:22 > 0:18:23< COUGHING
0:18:25 > 0:18:26You win, very good. Very nice game.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- What's he like? - Oh, he's very, very good.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- He is?- Excellent, yes.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- I'll beat him.- He's too cunning for you.- Ah, watch this!
0:18:52 > 0:18:53APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Had a bath?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Not September already, is it?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Time flies, doesn't it?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Tempus fugit!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23September already, eh?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Do me a favour. Cut out the jokes.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27It's late and I'm tired.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Funny you should say that, about jokes.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- You've just thought of one. - A cracker.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- That's your wine gums... - I don't like wine gums!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I tried to get you some jelly babies
0:19:36 > 0:19:38but the woman in the sweet shop didn't have any.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39I said, "A quarter of jelly babies, please.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41"Make 'em all boys, cos you get more!"
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Got no nerves with her, you know? Straight in.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Is that the joke?- No, that's true.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50No, the joke is...
0:19:51 > 0:19:54This fella goes on his holidays, you see.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Ha-ha!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59And the landlady says, "Do you like lamb?"
0:19:59 > 0:20:01He says, "Yes, I love lamb."
0:20:01 > 0:20:04And when he goes upstairs, he finds four sheep in the bedroom.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Want a fight?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22You're not the only one that reads The Dandy!
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- You didn't read the mail this morning, did you?- I never saw it.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- What was in it?- I thought you hadn't asked about that letter I got.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- You got a letter? - Offering me a part!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37In a pantomime, in Cinderella. Me, by myself, they don't want you.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Just me.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- Pantomime, eh? Cinderella? And what part did they offer you?- Zip.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Zip?- They've done away with Buttons!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Ha-ha! They've done away with Buttons!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Had you up with that one, didn't I?!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Ha! It's the wine gums. Send you wild after a while.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:21:03 > 0:21:06How long you been wearing them, Grandad?!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I said, cut out the jokes, didn't I?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Oh, do me a favour. That's a joke in itself.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Something subtle, that's what I like!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- I'm not wearing these as a joke! - Look in the mirror, then!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I have to look after my health. I have a very...
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Delicate chest. I know.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26These are government surplus.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27- Are they?- Yes.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Got enough room there for the whole of the Cabinet!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33They are ex-naval officers'.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I can see that, there's a porthole at the back. You turn round!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Let's have a look.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42And a picture of Gerald Nabarro.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45How do you do that? That's fabulous, that!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- Move over.- Have a wine gum. - I don't want a wine gum!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Oh!- My pyjamas.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- I sold 'em. Ha-ha! - Wouldn't be surprised.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55What are you doing?
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Pardon?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03You're not putting your pyjamas over your long johns, are you?
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Yes, I am.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07That's a real old man's trick, that is.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- Now go on, move over.- I am.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13My half of the bed.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Got that camphorated oil on again?
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Yes.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27You'll stink the room out tonight.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I'll be walking about with wavy lines going round me tomorrow!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34And I'm going to...You're not going to read that, are you?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36No, I'm just going to look at the words, you fool!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42One of the finest books ever written, this.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- What is it?- The Sex Life Of A Tulip.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46By Godfrey Winn.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Unexpurgated.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Unexpurgated?
0:22:51 > 0:22:52He wrote it in his bare feet.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Why don't you read something decent?
0:22:55 > 0:22:56What, though, what, though, what?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Something like Shakespeare. - Don't like Shakespeare.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02He was all right while he was writing for Laurence Olivier.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Then they had that split and had that big row.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08He's never written anything since. Rubbish.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12People falling off castles, that's all he's ever done. Don't like him.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Never gets any laughs.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16God!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Dearie me!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21You mean it, don't you?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Hey, that's brought the colour back to your cheeks, hasn't it?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Oh! Dear me!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31You don't look after yourself, don't you?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- I don't half.- You really do.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I've got you off to a T, Ern, I really have.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38A tea urn! Did you hear it? Eh?! Get it down...
0:23:38 > 0:23:41No need to write that down. You do it all the time!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43"T, Ern, tea urn", it goes on for ever!
0:23:43 > 0:23:45I'm tired anyway.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Good night.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Trouble with you, you've got a phobia.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53That's your trouble. You've got a phobia,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55and it's ridiculous. Because you can't play one.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- You've got this fear of growing old. - I'm not afraid of growing old!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I'm not afraid!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05I don't know which way to turn now.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09I've got you, matey. I'm telling you, you can't help it.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11It's a progression. Life is a progression.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13And that has been proved by cleverer men than me.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- What has?- Yes, and I'll tell you something else, now you've asked.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- You sat on me wine gums!- No!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20From the moment you're born,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23a newborn babe is an apprenticed old-age pensioner.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Have you finished, Professor? - For the time being, yes.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Perhaps I can go to sleep now. Good night.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- I'll tell you something else. - Oh, for crying out...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37What are you playing at?! You're like a record!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- I want to help you. I want to help you, that's all.- All right.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- I tell you something else about growing old.- What?- It's a fear.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- Fear?- Yeah. And it's all caused
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- from when you reach puberty. - When I reach puberty?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Well, if you haven't reached now, you never will, I'm telling you.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53And I'll tell you what.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Look at me when I'm talking to you.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59You take my Uncle Barney.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02What's your Uncle Barney got to do with it?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Well, his father was the late, and great, Jethro Morecambe.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09And he discovered...
0:25:09 > 0:25:10The secret of long life.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15You know how old Jethro Morecambe was when he died?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17I know I'm a fool for asking.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19But how old was he?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Who?
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Jethro Morecambe!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24147.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26147 years old, Ern!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28147?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31And never had a day's illness in his life.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Well, what about the day that he died?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- Eh?- What about the day that he died?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Yes, I admit he wasn't feeling too good that day.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Would you like a wine gum? - I don't want a wine gum.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51My uncle Barney, he also discovered the secret of long life.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Quite by accident. In the Outer Hebrides.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55This is like a world tour!
0:25:55 > 0:25:59He should have gone to Torquay. But the driver put the wrong glasses on.
0:26:01 > 0:26:07Now, then. He met an old crofter who told him, the secret of long life...
0:26:07 > 0:26:09In the Gaelic!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14All right, tell.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17What is the secret of long life?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18I'll tell you some other time.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20You're not interested. I can see that.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23No, I am interested. I want to know! I don't want to grow old, you see.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I want to know the secret of long life. Now, tell me. Tell me.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Do you know what? This old crofter told my Uncle Barney, in the Gaelic?
0:26:31 > 0:26:35- What? I don't know. - He told him the secret of long life.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Well, that's what I want to know. What is it?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Have a wine gum. - I don't want a wine gum!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42All I want to know is what this old crofter told your Uncle Barney.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44What is the secret of long life?!
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Puffins.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Puffins?!
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Puffins! Those little sea birds.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01This old crofter told my Uncle Barney, in the Gaelic,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04he said, a puffin a day keeps the doctor away.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06And one or two other people as well, I'm told.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Well, I wouldn't fancy eating a puffin.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I can't say that I blame you.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14They make you walk funny, for a start.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18And Uncle Barney was an adventurous man. Ba-boom!
0:27:18 > 0:27:19And he tried one.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23And do you know how old my Uncle Barney was when he died?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- No. How old was he?- Who?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- Your Uncle Barney!- 23.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33- 23?!- He fell 300 feet off a cliff face, trying to catch a puffin.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# Anywhere, I will find you
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# Don't care where, look behind you
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# I'll be there, following you around
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# Rain or shine, you won't chase me
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# I don't mind where you take me
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# Spend my time, following you around
0:28:04 > 0:28:06# Oh, listen, don't you know
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# Hiding from me does no good
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# Wherever you may go
0:28:12 > 0:28:16# I'll be in the neighbourhood
0:28:16 > 0:28:19# If you fly, I will follow
0:28:19 > 0:28:22# I don't care about tomorrow
0:28:22 > 0:28:25# Long as I'm following you around
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# If you run, I'll run faster
0:28:29 > 0:28:33# Gone and set, like a piece of plaster
0:28:33 > 0:28:36# Get my kicks, following you around
0:28:38 > 0:28:41# Get my kicks, following you around
0:28:43 > 0:28:46# Get my kicks, following you around. #
0:28:49 > 0:28:51- All right!- Ha-ha-ha-hey!
0:28:51 > 0:28:54APPLAUSE