0:00:18 > 0:00:21- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. - Thank you and good evening.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Good evening and welcome to the show.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- Yes.- It's very nice to be back once again on television.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Oh, yes. Yes.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30And we've got a cracking show for you tonight, haven't we? Eh?
0:00:30 > 0:00:31I mean, haven't we?
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- We hope so. Yes.- Yes.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35We've got singers, dancers,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38acrobats and a special guest star who's going to sing...
0:00:38 > 0:00:40What's that ridiculous thing!?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Yeah, What's That Ridiculous Thing Called Love.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45One of the finest songs ever written by Ian Carmichael.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Ye.. Never mind about the song.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50What is that thing there?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- Where?- There on there...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Well, I never!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I can believe that. Looking at you, I can believe that.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Wh... You are wearing a wig.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Shut up!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- I'm not! It's not a wig.- Oh, it's not a wig?- No.- Well, what is it then?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13It's a cover to keep the dust off me real hair.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- It's not a wig!- Boy, that was quick thinking, that was.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- It was quick, wasn't it?- Straight off the top, eh?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- I must admit, it was quick.- Well, let's have a look...- Don't touch.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- Go on.- Don't touch that!- You've got a nerve, you have,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26coming on here wearing a wig.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31After all the insults, jives and inane remarks you made to me
0:01:31 > 0:01:33about my real hair.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- Real hair?- Yes, real hair.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Real... If that's real hai...
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Just excuse me, just one moment, please, folks.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43What?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47If that's real hair, how come when it's a bit windy,
0:01:47 > 0:01:52it moves up and down like badly fitted lino in a draughty kitchen?
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- How dare you, sir!- Anyway, we've got one each now.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Put them in a shoe box, put the lid on them, they might mate.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07- I have got a good head of hair.- Yeah. Covered in hair, you are.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10When you hop into the bath, you look like Skippy the Bush Kangaroo.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- You look a sight!- Shut up!- Take it off.- I can't.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15- You can't?- No.- Why not?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Ah, well. He might be looking in.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- He?- He.- Who's he? Who's he?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- WHISPERS:- Well, he's the fellow that asked me
0:02:24 > 0:02:27if I would advertise his wigs on the BBC television.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32- YELLS: You can't advertise on the BB...- I know, you fool. Shut up.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35You see, the camera's coming in closer.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Good evening.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Listen, nobody can advertise on the BBC.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Even Lord Hill can't say what kind of pipe tobacco he smokes.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46And no wonder. It's mine.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49He's known along the powers of corridors.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51The corridors of power?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54The corridors of power. Don't forget, he walked backwards.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Yes, he does.- That was quick. That was quick.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03The corridors of power.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- That is quick fill Charlie.- Oh!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Boom.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- Well, you can't win them... Anyway. - What?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13You looked worried there cos you didn't think I was coming in.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14No, I didn't think you were. Go on.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I thought that if we played our cards right, you could come in
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- on this deal...- No, I've got no time for commercials.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- My schedules are very tight.- I thought you'd gone a funny colour.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- However...- I'm not interested. - However, there's money in it.- Money?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- I've got him.- Money?- I've got him now.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Did you say money?- Money. Look at him shaking. Yes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- You see the point is...- Yes.- The point is...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36What happens is... Be careful.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40You've got to be careful. The suit rubs off as well.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42What happens is if you do a commer...
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- A commercial...- yes.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Let's say for argument sake of...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- ..of pickled onions.- Yes.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52You see, you get paid for the repeats.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Eh! I get them in when I can, don't I?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01MORECAMBE LAUGHS
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Pardon?- That's all you'd have to say. Pardon.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05I've been asked to do a commercial.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I know you've been asked to do a commercial.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- It arrived this morning, but I haven't read it yet.- Oh!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- This is the commercial they want you to...- Sh, sh, sh.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- Well, let's have a look at it.- Be careful.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- Right here go.- It's an awful weight.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I don't know how you manage with yours.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Now, listen to this.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"The action takes place in the garden
0:04:24 > 0:04:26"of a beautiful house in the country..."
0:04:26 > 0:04:29That's me. That is me. Be honest.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32"Sitting on the grass is a gorgeous, young girl..."
0:04:32 > 0:04:33- That would be you.- Ye...
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- No!- You wear a long one.- I'm not in this. This is just for you, isn't it?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Hm.- "Sitting on the grass is a gorgeous, young girl.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- "She beckons to you..."- She'd do that?- Yes.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46"And you bound across the lawn to this beautiful girl..."
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- Like lightning.- Yes.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51"On the word 'action'..."
0:04:51 > 0:04:53That's the word I am waiting for.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58- "You kneel down by the bowl and go, 'woof, woof'."- Yes.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02What?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"You kneel down by the bowl and go, 'woof, woof'
0:05:04 > 0:05:05"and then you wag your tail
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"and you eat as much of the dog meat as you possibly can."
0:05:12 > 0:05:14That's your signature. I recognise that signature!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- You're a rotten devil!- Go on! Woof, woof. Wag your tail!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- Shut up! Shut up!- What's the matter with you? Come on, dog.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28MUSIC: Side By Side
0:05:40 > 0:05:45# Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money
0:05:45 > 0:05:49# Maybe, we're ragged and funny
0:05:49 > 0:05:51# But we'll travel along
0:05:51 > 0:05:53# Singing a song
0:05:53 > 0:05:57# Side by side
0:05:57 > 0:06:02# Don't know what's coming tomorrow
0:06:02 > 0:06:05# Maybe it's trouble and sorrow
0:06:05 > 0:06:08# But we'll travel the road
0:06:08 > 0:06:09# Sharing our load
0:06:09 > 0:06:14# Side by side
0:06:14 > 0:06:18# Through all kinds of weather
0:06:18 > 0:06:22# What if the sky should fall?
0:06:22 > 0:06:26# Just so long as we're together
0:06:26 > 0:06:29# It doesn't matter at all
0:06:29 > 0:06:34# When they've all had their quarrels and parted
0:06:34 > 0:06:37# We'll be the same as we started
0:06:37 > 0:06:40# Just travelling along
0:06:40 > 0:06:42# Singing our song
0:06:42 > 0:06:46# Side by side
0:06:46 > 0:06:50# Through all kinds of weather
0:06:50 > 0:06:54# What if the sky should fall?
0:06:54 > 0:06:59# Just as long as we're together
0:06:59 > 0:07:02# It doesn't matter at all
0:07:02 > 0:07:06# When they've all had their quarrels and parted
0:07:06 > 0:07:10# We'll be the same as we started
0:07:10 > 0:07:12# Just travelling along
0:07:12 > 0:07:15# Singing our song
0:07:15 > 0:07:18# Side by side. #
0:07:27 > 0:07:29And now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:07:29 > 0:07:33let's all take a trip down memory lane with songs from yesteryear,
0:07:33 > 0:07:37but first of all, I'd like to amaze you all with some slight of hand.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Good Lord! Well, that was clever. - Oh, I bet it was!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- I was halfway through a kiss with Sonja our wardrobe lady.- Naughty.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- You mustn't do that.- I just heard it on the news now
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- that myth has been smashed.- What myth?- Eh?- What myth?
0:07:48 > 0:07:49- On the news, I've just heard it. - What?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51No such thing as a Loch Ness monster.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Of course, there's no such thing as a Loch Ness monster.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Said it on the news just now. Said,
0:07:55 > 0:08:01"Julian Pettifer here, Panorama, BBC Loch Ness."
0:08:01 > 0:08:02And as he said that
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- a great big head came up and bit his leg off.- Oh, did it.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Pity that, cos I love animals.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- Is that what you came on to tell me? - Yeah.- Good, good.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Well, look, we're going to take a trip down memory lane
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- with songs...- Seen my dog?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- You've got a dog?- Yeah.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- What sort is it?- Siberian puddle maker.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Have you seen him?- No.- I'll go get him for you.- No, don't bother.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- Oh, it's all right.- I don't want to see him.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- Ladies and gentlemen, now I'd like to take...- Come on! Let's have him.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Come on! Let's have him.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36- That's not a dog!- Come on!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Crikey! Don't bring him on here.- Oh, boy!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Slipped his lead.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- Slipped his lead?- He's come out of his collar.- His collar?- Yep.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- What do you call him?- Brutus.- Brutus? - Brutus, yeah.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Well, he must be enormous.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Knocked six lamp posts over last night.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- Killed somebody.- Bit the wife this morning.- Yeah?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- Up like a balloon.- Poor woman.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- No, no, the dog. She's all right. - Oh, she's all right.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Yeah, the dog. You want to see him? I'll get him for you.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13No, don't. Not if he slipped his...
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Come on here. Hey! Oh, look at that.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- He's run off.- Run off? Thank goodness, he's run off.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I'll soon get him back. Right at my trousers legs we shout, "Din-din."
0:09:22 > 0:09:23- HE YELLS What?- He's coming back.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- No, don't bring him back. No, I don't want to see him.- You'll love him.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- Come here. Come here.- Look, I'm not interested.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31What we were going to do was take a stroll down memory lane.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33You...
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Huh?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Well, you certainly fooled me. We were doing all that pulling backwards
0:09:38 > 0:09:40and forwards and I saw this big lead and everything.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45I expected this sort of big... Grr, grr come bounding on.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Really and then I see this little thing here that you got.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I did! I thought...
0:09:51 > 0:09:53HE MOUTHS WORDLESSLY
0:09:53 > 0:09:56What? You...
0:09:57 > 0:10:04AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:10:05 > 0:10:09You worry me at times, do you know that?
0:10:10 > 0:10:11I've got a wet hand now.
0:10:19 > 0:10:24HE MOUTHS WORDLESSLY
0:10:24 > 0:10:32MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Richard Wagner
0:10:41 > 0:10:49SONG CONTINUES
0:10:56 > 0:10:59MUSIC: Barwick Green by Arthur Wood
0:11:13 > 0:11:19MUSIC: By Edward Elgars
0:11:24 > 0:11:29SONG CONTINUES
0:11:33 > 0:11:39MUSIC: Ride of the Valkyries by Richard Wagner
0:11:47 > 0:11:50MUSIC: Colonel Bogey March by Lieutenant FJ Ricketts
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Ladies and gentlemen, it's Tom Jones! - Hey!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57APPLAUSE
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Hang about, Tom Jones is coming on in a minute. I'll introduce you.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Tom, delighted.- Thrilled!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Thank you very much, Mr Wise. Thank you, Mr Morecambe.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28- Mr?- Mr?- What's all this Mr? - You don't have to call us Mr, Tom.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29- I'm Ern.- And I'm My Lord.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- There's nothing formal about us, Tom. - Oh, no, no.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Well, no, it's just the last time that we met,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I called you Mr Wise and you Mr Morecambe.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I don't remember this. When was that?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44When I asked you for your autographs. I was only 10 at the time.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Get him off. He's done enough. Get him off.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Now, ladies and gentlemen, some juggling...
0:12:48 > 0:12:51No, wait a minute. Let's be fair.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- We did start at a very early age. - That is true. That is true.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55- He wasn't to know, was he?- Oh, no.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- He's still only 31 is Ernest. - Yes.- 31?- Yes.
0:12:59 > 0:13:0131?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- And a few months! - Yeah, about 900 months.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Oh, I love anything subtle.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11- Tom...- Yes?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14..I'm absolutely delighted to be able to have this little chat with you
0:13:14 > 0:13:18because, well, you and I, we have the same kind of style.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Oh, really?- Yes.- Oh, yes.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21It's no exaggeration to say
0:13:21 > 0:13:24that had Ernie Wise played his cards right as a younger man,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26he could have become another Engelbert.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- Humperdinck?- Not now, he doesn't. No, his legs have given way.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Sad, really.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33It gets us all eventually.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- Well, look, I didn't know Ernie was a pop singer.- Trendsetter.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40- Trendsetter.- In his day.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- First one with the spats, weren't you?- Yes.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- I was the first one with the records and the moves.- Oh, yes.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- Hey, have you got the time? - Yeah, sure.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Do that one for him.- What, the...? - The one that you made.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- My last hit record? - Yes, you know the one. The cylinder one.- The cylinder one.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59# Oh, old Father Timms
0:13:59 > 0:14:01# Keep rolling along Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:14:01 > 0:14:06# Down to the miley sea Yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:14:06 > 0:14:07APPLAUSE
0:14:07 > 0:14:09What? What?
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Told you he was good, didn't I?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Oh, now, then...
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Be honest. What do you think?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Well, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I never would have believed it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24They all say that, you know.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Some of the greatest stars of all time
0:14:26 > 0:14:29have been on bended knees for some of those movements, haven't they?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- Yes, yes.- Sandy Shaw? Do you remember him?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33"Can you hear me mother?"
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Fabulous.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Well, why don't you still do it, then, Ern?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Well, Tom, it's a personal matter. I don't like to talk about it.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Oh, OK.- Tell him, Eric. Tell him.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46It's the hairy legs.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- What's hairy legs got to do with it? - It's the friction, you see.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54While he's doing the movements with the hairy legs and the friction,
0:14:54 > 0:14:58the audience panic when they see the blue smoke coming out the top of his jeans.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- I see.- But I've still got a magnetic personality.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Oh, good Lord, yes.- He'd go down well in Las Vegas, I bet.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- I've been.- Oh?- Been to Vegas.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10First one to go!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Opened the way for everybody, this boy did.- Yes.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- Did they like him there? - Loved him there.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18There's nobody like him before or since, with all due respect.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- Thank you.- Well, what happened? - He was doing extremely well.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Suddenly, the club was raided. - Police?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Apache Indian.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27LAUGHTER
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- With a tomahawk. Yes, caught him right there, didn't it?- Yes.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33That's where the expression, "You can't see the join" came from.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Oh, that's where it came from?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- I'm still with it, Tom, you know. - Oh, he's still with it, yes.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39He'll never lose it. He's tried, but he can't.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41What are you going to do for us tonight, Tom?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Exactly Like You.- Ah.- Ah, great. One of my favourites.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- But if I could just have a word with you if you don't mind.- Not at all.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49The reason I'll say this is I've been watching you lately.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- The singing - oh, fabulous. - Fabulous.- Thank you.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- But you're not moving about enough. - Oh, really?
0:15:54 > 0:15:58You're not moving about enough. There's too many board meetings. That's your trouble, you know.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00You're not really getting in there and doing it all.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- You show him.- It's like that. You've got to get a bit more.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Do you have a microphone? - I'll get him a microphone.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07He's a lovely mover, you see.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11LAUGHTER
0:16:11 > 0:16:13There we are. Now, get in. That's it. Behind that.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- Work with your eyes. - Work with your eyes.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Don't worry about that BBC up there. It's 'Before Bill Cotton', that is.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20You're all right.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22APPLAUSE
0:16:22 > 0:16:27- Is there something wrong, Tom? - I generally use a hand mic.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Oh, the old-fashioned one?- Yeah. - I'll go get it. Stay with him.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- He's a lovely mover, isn't he? - Isn't he?- For his age.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- This is the type, is it? - That's the one.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- Oh, yes. Lovely. Right.- OK.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39We're glad to have you with us cos we're going to do the backing.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41We're going to be behind you and project your personality.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Great. We look forward to it.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- What did you say your name was?- Tom. - Oh, we'll have to change that. - Yeah.- Music! Music!
0:16:47 > 0:16:52MUSIC: Exactly Like You
0:16:55 > 0:16:57# Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- # I know why I waited - # Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- # Know why I've been blue - # Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- # Waiting each night for someone - # Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- # Exactly like you - # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- # Why should we spend money - # Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- # On a show or two - # Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- # No-one plays those love songs - # Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- # Exactly like you - # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:17:18 > 0:17:22# Exactly like you You make me feel so grand
0:17:22 > 0:17:24# I want to hand the world to you
0:17:24 > 0:17:27# You seem to understand
0:17:27 > 0:17:29# Each foolish little dream that I'm dreaming
0:17:29 > 0:17:30# Scheme that I'm scheming
0:17:30 > 0:17:33# Dream that I'm dreaming Scheme that I'm scheming
0:17:33 > 0:17:35# Now I know why Mother
0:17:35 > 0:17:38# Taught me to be true
0:17:38 > 0:17:41# She meant me for someone
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- # Exactly like you - # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:17:43 > 0:17:47# Exactly like you You make me feel so grand
0:17:47 > 0:17:50# I want to hand the world to you
0:17:50 > 0:17:52# You seem to understand
0:17:52 > 0:17:54# Each foolish little dream that I'm dreaming
0:17:54 > 0:17:56# Scheme that I'm scheming
0:17:56 > 0:17:58# Dream that I'm dreaming Scheme that I'm scheming
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- # Now I know why Mother - # Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- # Taught me to be true - # Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:18:03 > 0:18:06# She meant me for someone
0:18:06 > 0:18:10# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- # Exactly like you - # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- # Exactly like you - # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:18:15 > 0:18:19# Exactly like you
0:18:19 > 0:18:20# Yeah, yeah, yeah! #
0:18:20 > 0:18:25APPLAUSE
0:18:34 > 0:18:36WOMAN: Beauty is in the hands.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41These are beautiful hands, cared-for hands,
0:18:41 > 0:18:45thanks to Velvetta, the mildest of mild soap.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Let Velvetta make your hands as lovely as these.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53It's hands like these that get you noticed.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55MAN: You're telling me.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57That's the last time I'll use Velvetta!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:18:59 > 0:19:02APPLAUSE
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Now, to put my theory to the test.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23HE SNIFFS
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Be brave, Dr Jekyll.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Who knows aught of honour who only knows aught of honour
0:19:32 > 0:19:34who only knows aught of...honour.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Cheers!
0:19:40 > 0:19:46EERIE MUSIC
0:19:46 > 0:19:51HE GROANS
0:20:00 > 0:20:03LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:08HE GROWLS
0:20:08 > 0:20:12LAUGHTER
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Now, there's a novelty.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER
0:20:19 > 0:20:22It's worked! It's worked!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Who's a pretty boy, then?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33My head is full of horror, my veins are full of villainy
0:20:33 > 0:20:36and there's badness in the balls of my feet.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Tonight, I shall go, ladies and gentleman,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42on an unbridled lust tour.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I shall probably end up in a Wimpy bar.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52There must be plenty of haunts in London where I can hide.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54HE GASPS
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Where I can hide!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00That's what I shall call myself - Mr Where I Can.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08APPLAUSE
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Henry?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- Henry, where are you?- Ooh!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Henry, where are you? Sorry.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Oh, here's my sherry. Cheers.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Ah.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I wonder...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28GRUFFLY: ..where Henry is.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33MUSIC: The Stripper by David Rose & His Orchestra
0:21:39 > 0:21:41APPLAUSE
0:22:03 > 0:22:06HE PLAYS JAMES BOND THEME TUNE
0:22:22 > 0:22:25# We got sunlight on the sand We got moonlight on the sea
0:22:25 > 0:22:29# We got mangoes and bananas You can pick right off a tree
0:22:29 > 0:22:32# We got volley ball and Ping-Pong and a lot of dandy games
0:22:32 > 0:22:36# What ain't we got? We ain't got dames
0:22:42 > 0:22:45# We get packages from home We get movies, we get shows
0:22:45 > 0:22:49# We get speeches from our skipper and advice from Tokyo Rose
0:22:49 > 0:22:52# We get letters doused in perfume We get dizzy from the smell
0:22:52 > 0:22:55# What don't we get? You know darn well!
0:22:58 > 0:23:03# We got nothing to put on a clean white suit for
0:23:03 > 0:23:08# We got nothing to look masculine and cute for
0:23:08 > 0:23:12# There is nothing like a dame
0:23:12 > 0:23:15# Nothing in the world
0:23:15 > 0:23:18# There is nothing you can name
0:23:18 > 0:23:23# That is anything like a dame
0:23:23 > 0:23:25# There are no books like a dame
0:23:25 > 0:23:28# Ah-ah
0:23:28 > 0:23:30# Nothing looks like a dame
0:23:30 > 0:23:33# Ah-ah!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35# There are no drinks like a dame
0:23:35 > 0:23:37# Ah-ah
0:23:38 > 0:23:41# And nothing thinks like a dame
0:23:41 > 0:23:43# Ah-ah
0:23:43 > 0:23:46# And nothing acts like a dame
0:23:46 > 0:23:47# Ah-ah
0:23:47 > 0:23:50# Or attracts like a dame
0:23:50 > 0:23:51# Ah-ah
0:23:51 > 0:23:54# There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here
0:23:54 > 0:23:57# That can't be cured by putting him near
0:23:57 > 0:24:04# A girly womanly female feminine dame!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07# We feel lonely and we long for the fair and gentle sex
0:24:07 > 0:24:11# We would like to feel the feeling of some arms around our necks
0:24:11 > 0:24:14# We feel hungry as the wolf on finding dead Red Riding Hood
0:24:14 > 0:24:18# What don't we feel? We don't feel good!
0:24:19 > 0:24:24# Lots of things in life are beautiful but, brother!
0:24:26 > 0:24:31# There is one particular thing that is nothing whatsoever
0:24:31 > 0:24:34# In any way shape or form like any other
0:24:34 > 0:24:36# Other! #
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Who said that?!
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Beck!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42THEY WHISTLE
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# There is nothing like a dame
0:25:57 > 0:26:00# Nothing in the world
0:26:00 > 0:26:07# There is nothing you can name That is anything like a dame
0:26:08 > 0:26:11# There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here
0:26:11 > 0:26:15# That can't be cured by putting him near
0:26:15 > 0:26:22# A girly womanly female feminine dame!
0:26:27 > 0:26:34# There is absolutely nothing like the thrill
0:26:34 > 0:26:44# Of a dame
0:26:46 > 0:26:47# Dame! #
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Well, we've nearly come to the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen,
0:26:53 > 0:26:54and what are you going to do?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56It's about time you did something, isn't it?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- We'll sing a sing together, shall we?- Finish on a sentimental note?
0:26:59 > 0:27:00- Why not?- Let's do a song and dance.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Of course. Everybody else does it, don't they?- Sure!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# Two of a kind For your information
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# We're two of a kind
0:27:17 > 0:27:21# Two of a kind It's my observation
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# We're two of a kind
0:27:23 > 0:27:27# Just like peas in a pod
0:27:27 > 0:27:28# Birds of a feather
0:27:28 > 0:27:31# Alone or together you'll find
0:27:31 > 0:27:36That we are two of a kind
0:28:09 > 0:28:13# What's so wrong thnking life is a song
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# And reaching for a star
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# Who's to say if we go the whole way
0:28:20 > 0:28:23# At least we've got this far
0:28:24 > 0:28:26# Two of a sort
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# Like two pomegranates from off the same tree
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# Bad-a-la, bad-a-la
0:28:32 > 0:28:37# I'm with you, sport, whatever you plan it goes double with me. #
0:28:37 > 0:28:38Get out of that!
0:28:38 > 0:28:40# I've had terrible thoughts
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# Most frightfully upsetting
0:28:42 > 0:28:45# And yet we are getting resigned
0:28:45 > 0:28:51# To being two of a kind! #