0:00:16 > 0:00:18APPLAUSE
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22Good evening.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27- Shakespeare?- Eh?- Shakespeare? - I've no idea who he is, Ern,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29it was handed to me as I came on.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- To be or not to be! - What are you doing?
0:00:33 > 0:00:36I was doing it then when you interrupted. I was doing it then.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- Doing what?- Eh?- Doing what?
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Shakespeare's soliloquy from Hamlet.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41It should be the other way round.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44It's these tights, there's nothing I can do about that.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48LAUGHTER
0:00:49 > 0:00:51To be or not to...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Why all the serious stuff?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Ah, well, you see, the point is that if you and I play our cards right
0:00:57 > 0:01:00and we do this serious stuff, we've got it made.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Let's face it, it's very difficult, you know.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06It's very difficult to come on here and do new jokes every week.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- You don't have to tell me, I'm a writer.- You play your cards right...
0:01:09 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER
0:01:12 > 0:01:16- You play your cards right...- Yes. - I'll make it easy on you.- How?- How?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20- How, yes.- Well, you take, er, Olivier and Gielgud.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Who?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Laurence Olivier and John Gielgud.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31They're actors.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, are they? Mm.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35LAUGHTER
0:01:35 > 0:01:38They do this stuff, this rubbish, week in and week out in the theatres,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- and the theatres are packed! - Are they really?- Yes!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43And you mean if we could get away with that sort of rubbish
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- we wouldn't have to bother about writing new jokes.- Exactly.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49And they'd charge £3 per seat.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- £3 per seat! - And they don't get any laughs.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Even though they come on dressed like that?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Yes. You play it my way, we've got it made.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- You've got something there. - I'm sorry about that.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07You've got to face facts, Ern.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Once you get past 40 it becomes very difficult.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Oh, I'm dreading it.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13LAUGHTER
0:02:15 > 0:02:17There is just one point here.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I mean, will our fans go for us doing this sort of thing?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I don't see why not. They're a nice couple.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- It's worth a try.- Of course it is.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27When you consider we get very little respect doing what we do.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Or accolades!- That's true. - We don't get any accolades!
0:02:30 > 0:02:31That's not an accolade.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34No, it isn't. There's very few comedians who've got knighthoods.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Only Sir Lew and after that you're struggling!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- I hope you know what you're doing. - Leave everything to me.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Play it straight, that's the answer. Tell you what, introduce me.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- I'll introduce you.- Yes, and I'll go up the back and walk down.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- I see, make a big entrance.- Drama... - Drama.- ..and effect, you see.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- You won't laugh as I go out? - No, I won't.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Ladies and gentlemen, it is now my pleasure to introduce...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Are you doing it now?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Yes, I'm doing it now.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- I can't hear you, see? - Oh, well...- I can't hear you!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Yeah, well, what should I do then? - Oh, yes.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:09If I'm introducing you,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12you'll want some sort of a cue so that you can walk down.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- Thank you.- I'll give you a visual cue. What should I do?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- Take your wig off! - Right... No!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22No, you better not, it'll get laughs, I can't top that.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- No. I'll jump up in the air, all right?- Oh, all right.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now my pleasure to
0:03:27 > 0:03:32introduce to you Eric Morecambe doing Shakespeare's Hamlet.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Are you going to jump up?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36He wants it all!
0:03:39 > 0:03:40To be...
0:03:41 > 0:03:44..or not to be.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45That is the question.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Thank you.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50APPLAUSE
0:03:50 > 0:03:52See what I mean?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- Wait a minute, just a moment.- I've got to get changed now for King Lear.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Just a moment...
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- What about the rest of it? - Rest of it?- Yeah, the rest of it!
0:04:04 > 0:04:05What do you mean the rest, I've done it!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07He knows nothing about Shakespeare!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10But that speech goes on for about ten minutes!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Oh?- You said, "Let's do the serious stuff," didn't you?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- So we won't have to do the jokes. - (Yes.)
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- Well, what are we going to do now? - We'll go back to the old stuff.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22What do you think of it so far?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23"Rubbish!"
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Never fails.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- ARTHUR PLAYS HARMONICA Not now, Arthur, not now.- Not now.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Slowly.- Slowly. - Take it nice and easy.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- Think of the money, Arthur, think of the money.- Bit of dignity, Arthur.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Dignity at all times. - Smile, smile, Arthur.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40APPLAUSE
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"Dear Morecambe and Wise, I like you both very much.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50"Would you please send me a photograph of yourselves?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53"Enclosed, a stamped addressed envelope."
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Of course.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:05 > 0:05:08# Do-do-do-do, do-do do-do-do, do-do-do-de
0:05:08 > 0:05:12# Do-de-do-do, do-do do-de-do, do-do-do-do
0:05:12 > 0:05:14# Do-do-do-do do-de, do-do-do
0:05:14 > 0:05:17# Do-de-do-do-doo-oo...
0:05:22 > 0:05:27# I'm singin' in the rain
0:05:27 > 0:05:30# Just singin' in the rain
0:05:30 > 0:05:34# What a glorious feeling
0:05:34 > 0:05:37# I'm happy again
0:05:37 > 0:05:41# I'm laughing at clouds
0:05:41 > 0:05:45# So dark up above
0:05:45 > 0:05:47# The sun's in my heart
0:05:47 > 0:05:51# And I'm ready for love
0:05:51 > 0:05:55# Let the stormy clouds chase
0:05:55 > 0:05:59# Everyone from the place
0:05:59 > 0:06:01# Come on with the rain
0:06:01 > 0:06:05# I've a smile on my face
0:06:05 > 0:06:08# I walk down the lane
0:06:08 > 0:06:12# With a happy refrain
0:06:12 > 0:06:16# I'm singin' just singin' in the rain... #
0:06:16 > 0:06:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:19 > 0:06:22# I'm dancin' in the rain
0:06:22 > 0:06:25# Ya-da-da, da-da-da-da
0:06:25 > 0:06:30# Ya-da-da, ba-da-de-da
0:06:30 > 0:06:32# I'm happy again
0:06:32 > 0:06:36# I walk down the lane
0:06:36 > 0:06:39# With a happy refrain
0:06:39 > 0:06:45# Just singin' and dancin' in the rain... #
0:06:57 > 0:06:59LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:07I'm wet through! Have you seen what you've done to me? I'm wet through!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- # I'm singin' and dancin'... # - You!- # ..in the rain... #
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I'm wet through, Ern, that's not nice! I'm wet through, folks!
0:07:13 > 0:07:21# Just singin' and dancin' in the rain. #
0:07:29 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:35APPLAUSE
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Ladies and gentlemen, it's a great pleasure,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I would like to introduce to you now
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Dame Flora and me, and Ann Hamilton and Alan Curtis in
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Queen Elizabeth I Of England Part One, thank you.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52Her Most Gracious Majesty, Queen Elizabeth I.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54TROMBONE PARPS FANFARE
0:07:54 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Arise, Lady Frobisher.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02TROMBONE PARPS
0:08:06 > 0:08:09We have important business to attend to.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11TROMBONE PARPS
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I wish to see my ministers.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18TROMBONE PARPS
0:08:20 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I beg your pardon, Your Highness, I really do.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I'll never get this in...
0:08:32 > 0:08:33- Your Majesty...- Yes!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Sir Walter Raleigh seeks an audience.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Yes, he can have this lot. They haven't been too good up to now.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I take my leave, my liege!
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Sir Walter Raleigh.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47TROMBONE PARPS
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Sir Walter, my most loyal and trusted friend.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Your Majesty is most kind.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59TROMBONE PARPS
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Please, please,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07you don't have to kneel.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I'm not kneeling, Your Majesty! You're mistaken.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Sir Walter...
0:09:16 > 0:09:20I need your counsel. Much is happening abroad that I do not like.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Your Majesty, there is an ominous wind blowing from the continent.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26TROMBONE PARPS
0:09:28 > 0:09:30PARPING CONTINUES
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- That's enough ominous wind! - Thank you.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38The powers of Spain
0:09:38 > 0:09:42and France hover over my kingdom like two hungry vultures
0:09:42 > 0:09:45eager for the kill, and I cannot rest
0:09:45 > 0:09:49until these foreign predators have been put firmly in their place.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52That such brave words should come from so fair a queen.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54But in times of stress...
0:09:59 > 0:10:00ERIC CACKLES
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I am still...
0:10:02 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:08I am still a mere woman who needs the comfort and help
0:10:08 > 0:10:11that only a man can give.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Cheeky.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Your Majesty is too kind.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Please arise, Sir Walter.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:19 > 0:10:23I am risen, Your Majesty, I'm standing on me feet!
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Your Majesty,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Mr William Shakespeare of Stratford! - Ah.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Evening all!
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Avon calling!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Your Majesty!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47He is but a common poet pedlar!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Mr Shakespeare...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- It is indeed good to see you. - Thank you.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- Where's your beard?- Swallowed it.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00But don't worry.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Your Majesty grows more beautiful every day.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Get off my cloak!- Oh!- Urgh!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Your Majesty, I must protest! The pen is his weapon!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13He doesn't even know how to fire a crossbow!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18May I defend myself against those remarks, Your Majesty?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20By all means.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Hold me trombone.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- We've worked together before.- Yes.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- Ivy Benson's All Girls Band. - That's it!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- The one on the end. - Shepherd's Ball.- Yeah.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- D'you remember? - Yeah, Ginger we used to call her.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Are you ready? Fire!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Mr Shakespeare has scored 86 on the conventional chart.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:54 > 0:11:55With a bonus...
0:11:55 > 0:11:58With a bonus of 40 for hitting her right in the first place.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Your Majesty, we are on the verge of a catastrophic war!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06This is no place for a third-class writer of rubbish!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- Ern, it's quite good up to now. - Not my play, your poetry!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12My dear Sir Walter, I must insist that you control yourself.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16May I defend myself once again by reading you a poem, Your Majesty?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17- Of course.- Thank you.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- Have you got the scrolls? - I didn't think you'd notice.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:35May I, Your Majesty, take the weight off me sonnets?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Your Majesty, this is no time for poetry.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- Sir Walter, there is always time for the written word.- That's true, love.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Please, Mr Shakespeare.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- I'm very sorry, Your Majesty. - It's too late now, Ern.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- Don't worry about it. - Get off me cloak!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Just hold the end there, love, will you?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- I've written this for you.- Ah.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01When I consider everything that grows...
0:13:01 > 0:13:03How beautiful.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06A tree, a flower,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08the corns on your toes...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Corns on your toes?!
0:13:10 > 0:13:14How dare you say such things in front of high up people?!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- At least I've paid to get in. - What do you mean paid to get in?!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Just because you're Raleigh and invented the bike,
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- you think you know everything! - That's nothing to do with it!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Please arise, Sir Walter.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33What does she think I am, a midget or something?!
0:13:33 > 0:13:34She's staring at me all the time!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Why not? Your face looks like a slashed cinema seat.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41It would appear that I was misguided in thinking that
0:13:41 > 0:13:45you would be of help to me in these difficult times.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- Sorry, Your Majesty.- Pray thee, I am very sorry.- Arise, Sir Walter.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I am risen! Why does she keep going on and on about that for?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Let us try and deal with the more immediate problem of Spain,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- and in particular, the evil Philip.- Yes!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Your Majesty, I have a little poser.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Well, you can't fight nature, Ern.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05LAUGHTER
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Now that's enough, shut up!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Your Majesty, I have a proclamation.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Try putting your head between your knees, it never fails.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18A most urgent message delivered this day by hand.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20A most urgent message.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Ah-ha!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23That's a funny message.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Ah-ha, that's what it says, ah-ha!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I knew something like this would happen.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30What does this letter contain that makes you look so distraught?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31It is from Philip of Spain.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Could I have the stamp?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER
0:14:37 > 0:14:40He is indeed a strange man.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42He hasn't put one on, the cheapskate!
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Would you please read it?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47This letter contains a proposal of marriage!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- ERIC SCREAMS - Proposal of marriage! Never! - Never!- Never!- Never!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52There won't be a marriage between you and the King of Spain!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55We can't have that Spaniard riding around the courtyard
0:14:55 > 0:14:57with his onions dangling over his handlebars!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- It's not right, Your Majesty! - It will never take place!
0:15:01 > 0:15:05There will be no marriage while I've got the strength to draw my sword!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10It's Old Man River, get off as quick as you can.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12# Old man river... #
0:15:12 > 0:15:15The people of England will never take this marriage.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- They will say it is impossible. - The King of Spain, he is without.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Then it is impossible, we're saved.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22LAUGHTER
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Ah-ha!- Look out.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- Your Majesty. - Looks like a glass of stout.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- I am indeed proud and honoured. - Silence, Elizabeth!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I have no time for this stupid English politeness.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41I simply demand an answer to my proposal of marriage,
0:15:41 > 0:15:46otherwise I will order my Armada to open fire upon you.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Now, what do you say to that?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Give Lionel Blair that suit back.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55And come in quick like you said you would.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57You ignorant pig, you!
0:15:57 > 0:16:02This means one thing and one thing only! War!
0:16:02 > 0:16:03PHILIP LAUGHS
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- He's a fine actor, that girl. - Oh, wonderful.- Fine actor, she is.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09What are you going to do about King Philip of Spain?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Ah, King Philip of Spain, let the Spanish fleet take to the sea,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- I don't care!- But you need men. Have you got the chaps?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Yes, it's the knicker on this inside.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- Sonia's Revenge, we call it. - Yes, and why not?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I have decided that if it would prevent war, this marriage,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30much as I dislike it, will take place.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Your Majesty, I am deeply moved...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42..that your love of this land
0:16:42 > 0:16:46and its people should make you make such a sacrifice.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51ERIC SNORES
0:16:51 > 0:16:53LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- That goes double for me, Your Majesty.- Yes.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- I find such devotion most touching. - What'd she say?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I can't hear her down here.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Arise, gentlemen, arise.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- A rise? Somebody's going to get a rise!- I'd love a rise!
0:17:13 > 0:17:17When one can count on such loyalty, one can...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Sir Walter, I thought I told you to rise.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- She never stops, does she? - Well, why not?- Something personal.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27You're two fellas in the skin?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30When one can count on such loyalty, no sacrifice is too great.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32The Spaniards are attacking us,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- we are under fire from the Armada! - BANGING
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Excuse me, it's the ship's biscuits.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- Gentlemen, you know what you have to do.- Yes.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42You're very kind, thank you very much indeed.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Your Majesty, they are attacking from the north!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- No, that's not possible.- Yes, they are, they're coming down the M1!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52In a big red bus with Benfica written all over it.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- They must be repulsed! - You go, Ernie!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- You're more repulsive than anybody else.- Right!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- I can't get me sword, never mind. Ha-ha-ha!- What a fine actor.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- You back there, you swine! - Oh, Your Majesty, I'm afraid!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- This is no place for a young girl. - That's true, I'm off.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- LADY FROBISHER:- The King of Spain!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Well, Elizabeth, what is your answer?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Do you agree to my proposal of marriage
0:18:16 > 0:18:19or do you wish for further bloodshed?
0:18:19 > 0:18:23You can have your marriage. You are indeed a strange man.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Excellent!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Believe you me, you won't regret it.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Darling! - LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Your Majesty, please!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- I told you he was a strange man. - Two, three, four!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38# Old man river...! #
0:18:38 > 0:18:40TROMBONE PARPS
0:18:40 > 0:18:41# He don't say nothing
0:18:41 > 0:18:42# He just keeps running
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- # He keeps on running. # - Take it!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47TROMBONE PARPS
0:18:47 > 0:18:49APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Good evening. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56is the final contest between the boys and the girls
0:18:56 > 0:18:59to see whether the three boys or the three girls
0:18:59 > 0:19:02win the all expenses paid holiday in Mallorca.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Now, have you all got your fingers ready?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Good. Now, press your buttons.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Everything's in perfect working order.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Fingers off the buttons, that's fine.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Now, you know what's going to happen.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16If you get the answer to the question,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19you press your button and your name lights up.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Right, we'll start with question number one.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24A small island off the north-west coast of Britain
0:19:24 > 0:19:25has a three-legged symbol.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27What is the name of this island?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Three legged symbol, what is the name of this island?
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Yes, Norman?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34The Isle of Man.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Quite correct, Norman, very good.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Next question.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Who wrote this very descriptive piece of music?
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Fingers on those buttons now and listen carefully.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- Yes, Simon?- Gustav Holst.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Quite correct, Simon, very, very...
0:19:59 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Very good, Simon.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- I'm sorry to be a nuisance, sir. - Next question...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:10The giant redwood tree is found in which American state?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12INDISTINCT
0:20:12 > 0:20:15The giant redwood tree, now come on, let's have the answer now.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- Er, yes, Betty?- California. - Quite correct, Betty. Very good.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23You're falling behind, get your finger on that button.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26My finger is on the button, it's red raw with pressing the flaming button!
0:20:26 > 0:20:30The thing won't go on, will it? I've known all the answers up to now.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32All of their names light up.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- All you have to do is press the button.- I am pressing! Look at that.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39- Well, is your light not working?- Of course not. Either that or my finger's fused.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41LAUGHTER
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- I've been pressing it, look! - Well, press the button now.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- I'm pressing it now, you see?! - There you are. Look. Look!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- I'm sorry, sir.- It's all right. - Terribly sorry.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55- The next question is on association football.- Great, great.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Name the player who has represented England more times
0:21:04 > 0:21:06than any other player in the history of international football.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- HE WINCES - Come on, now. Let's have an answer to this. You should know this.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Time's running out.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Hang on a minute, just a minute.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- You've got just three seconds. - LAUGHTER
0:21:16 > 0:21:18You've got three seconds, now come on. Time's up.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- I know, I know it. It's, it's gone again.- The answer's Bobby Charlton.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- I knew that, I knew it was him! - You should've pressed your button! - I was pressing!
0:21:26 > 0:21:27My flaming light doesn't work.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30LAUGHTER
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Can we continue?
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Shut up.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34LAUGHTER
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Can we continue?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Listen to this question very carefully.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40- Two famous men...- Laurel and Hardy.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- Laurel and Hardy. - I stand no chance, do I?
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- Give me a proper button, that's all I ask.- Shut up! - LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Steady now.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Now we come to the do or die.- I'm not bothered.- You...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58LAUGHTER
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- Remember, the prize is a holiday in Majorca.- Ah...
0:22:01 > 0:22:05If you give the correct answer, you get double points. Wrong answer, you're out of the contest.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Now listen.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Fingers on the buttons now.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Who wrote Gone With The Wind?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Well, Eric?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Yes, thank you. LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Come on, the answer!
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Answer to what?
0:22:25 > 0:22:30- Who wrote Gone With The Wind? - How the hell do I know who wrote Gone With The Wind?
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- Well, your light's on.- Pardon? - Your light's on, your name's lit up. Look!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I haven't been pressing, sir. Er...
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- You've got three seconds... - Gone with the what?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- The wind!- Yes, who wrote it?- Yes. Come on, you're stalling for time.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- Laurel and Hardy.- No, they didn't! - Well, they should've done.- No, no.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- Yes, Jean?- Margaret Mitchell?- Quite correct, Jean.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- You are out of the contest.- I'm not. - Yes, you are.- I'm not!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54You're out and the girls win the contest
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- and the holiday in Majorca.- Good.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59What do mean good? You're not even in it, the girls have won.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02That's all you know... LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:23:02 > 0:23:04APPLAUSE
0:23:04 > 0:23:05- Let me shake your hand.- No!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09My name is Flora Robson.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14I worked with Morecambe and Wise, and look what happened to me.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm welcome for Miss Cilla Black. - Two, three, four.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22APPLAUSE
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Fabulous.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- The wonderful Cilla. - APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- Lovely to see you. - Oh, you too.- Tell me, Cilla...
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Tell me, Cilla, what's this surprise you've got?- Surprise? - The surprise, yes.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- Well, do you know that song you recorded?- Yes.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44- # Bring me Sunshine... # - Oh, yes, yes.- Yes.- Oh, I like that.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- Look.- A summons.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47LAUGHTER
0:23:47 > 0:23:49What is that strange piece of parchment?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- This is a recording contract. - A recording contract?
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- You see, the recording company I'm with...- Yes?- ..heard you sing and wants to sign you up.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- That's absolutely wonderful! - Great!- So...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- LAUGHTER - Ern.- Yes?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- If you could just sign there.- I most certainly will.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09- I'm thrilled about this, Cilla. I really am so.- Ah, I'm very happy for you, Ernie.- Thank you.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- Eric did say I had a lot of talent, you know.- I think you'll be sensational.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- Really?- If I could just sign my name...- I'm absolutely overjoyed. - I know you'll do very well.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21You know what I'm going to do? I'll make a lot of money out of this, I'll just do number one records.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Good idea.- The recording company thought you were incredible.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I'd like to sign my name... there, if I could. LAUGHTER
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- No, I knew you could sing.- Yes.- But I didn't realise you were that good.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I'll write by initials on. My initials.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Eric said I have a lot of talent. I can do impressions as well...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- I was on the flaming record with him! I was on that record with him. - Eric...
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Look at me when I'm talking to you, I was on that record.- Eric...
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- Do you want to say something?- I've said it now, haven't I? I was on that flaming record with him.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- Say it.- Eric, Eric, they don't want you.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER Eh?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Well, they only want Ernie, they don't want you.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I mean, they just don't want you.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:02 > 0:25:04AUDIENCE: Ah!
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Oh.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Well, you did say I had a lot of talent, Eric.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I see.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Ah. Ah, well, look, Eric, I'll tell...
0:25:15 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- I'll tell...- Don't interfere with me, young sir.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER
0:25:23 > 0:25:25For another pound, we could've had Lulu.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER
0:25:28 > 0:25:30And she brings her own teeth.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:33APPLAUSE
0:25:36 > 0:25:37What are we going to do with him?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40You've upset him now, Cilla. He's very nasty when he's roused.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- You'll have to ingratiate yourself. - ERIC GRUNTS
0:25:42 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Well, I tell you... - LAUGHTER
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Eric.- What?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I tell you what, if you sing Bring Me Sunshine on your own, well...
0:25:51 > 0:25:55I can't. I can't sing when I'm upset, you know that.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57And besides, there's no band.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- An artist whose any good can sing without accompaniment. - Straighten your wig and go home, you!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Oh, come on, Eric. Just for me.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09And if you're any good, you can sign as well. There you are.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- CILLA WHISPERS - You can sign as well.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13All right, I will.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14ERIC CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:26:14 > 0:26:16SINGS WEAKLY Bring me sun...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:21OUT OF KEY Bring, bring me sun...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23ERNIE STIFLES LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Bring me sunshine... LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:32ERIC SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
0:26:32 > 0:26:34CILLA SQUEALS AND LAUGHS
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Bring...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40LAUGHTER
0:26:40 > 0:26:41ERIC HUMS
0:26:41 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Bring, bring, got it now,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51bring me sunshine, I'm away now. In your smile!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Sorry, I think he's going to need help.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- Oh, I think you're right, Ernie. - Yes, I know I'm right.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56BAND STARTS
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# Bring me sunshine
0:27:02 > 0:27:03# In your smile
0:27:05 > 0:27:06# Bring me laughter
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# All the while
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# In this world where we live
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# There should be more happiness
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# So much joy we can give
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# Two each brand new bright tomorrow
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# Make me happy
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# Through the years
0:27:26 > 0:27:27# Never bring me
0:27:28 > 0:27:31# Any tears
0:27:31 > 0:27:36# Let your arms be as warm As the sun from up above
0:27:36 > 0:27:41# Bring me fun bring me Sunshine bring me love
0:27:43 > 0:27:44# Bring me sunshine
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# In your smile
0:27:48 > 0:27:49# Bring me laughter
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# All the while
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- # In this world... - STIFLES LAUGHTER
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# There should be more happiness
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# So much joy you can give
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# To each brand new Bright tomorrow. #
0:28:02 > 0:28:04LAUGHTER
0:28:04 > 0:28:07He's started. He's going now.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- Da-da! - APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- Ha!- Don't look. It's a terrifying sight.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17CILLA LAUGHS
0:28:17 > 0:28:19I hope you've got your elastic stockings on.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20# Bring me sunshine
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Bring me love sweet love. #
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Yeah! Bring me fun!
0:28:24 > 0:28:25# Bring me sunshine...
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# Bring me love. #
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Be honest, come on, let's have it!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32APPLAUSE
0:28:45 > 0:28:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:50 > 0:28:52WHISTLING