0:00:17 > 0:00:19APPLAUSE
0:00:19 > 0:00:20What's that thing you've got there?
0:00:20 > 0:00:24- That is a scrapbook of our careers from the very beginning.- Oh!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- All the nice things that people have said about us?- All in here.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29What about the nasty things that people have said about us?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31On two lorries outside.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34What sort of things have they said, nasty things they've said about us?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- Hurtful.- Hurtful? - Oh, yeah. You listen.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41- "The years seem to have taken their toll of Eric Morecambe."- Yes.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43"Last night, he struggled hard to please
0:00:43 > 0:00:45"but his performance was a disaster!"
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- Who said that?- The wife, only last night she said that.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- Let's have a look at that book, that scrapbook.- Remember him?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- The Great Strombo!- Fire eater.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Yes, the greatest fire eater I've ever seen.- Oh, yeah.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01- He was always trying something different.- Sad.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- Yeah, terrible way to go.- I'd never have put the wick there.- No.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- It was all over in a flash, wasn't it?- Oh, yes.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- Wife took him home on a shovel. - Oh, shocking.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Oh, and look at that.- Rusty! - Rusty the Wonder Horse.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- Rusty the Wonder Horse. - Oh, yes.- He was clever.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Oh, yes, you used to say to him, "Rusty, what's six and six?"
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And he used to bang his hoof on the floor 12 times.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Never did get it right, did he?- No.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29LAUGHTER
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- We've worked with some wonderful animal acts.- I still am.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34LAUGHTER
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- Here's one.- What? - The Dazzling Debbie and Her Budgies.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- Dazzling Debbie and Her Budgies. - Eh?- I don't remember that.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- What do you mean?- You know, the Dazzling Debbie and Her Budgies!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- I don't know what you mean. - Ya dirty little devil!- Oh, yeah?
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- What are you trying to imply? - Bradford, 1962!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53You had a few swings on her perch, didn't you?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56That's a slur on my integrity.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Crawling back to the digs at half past one in the morning
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- with your trouser turn-ups full of millet!- Oh, shut up!
0:02:03 > 0:02:08- You slept for 24 hours on one leg, and your head under your arm!- Agh!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Stick to the scrapbook!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- There's a bit about you in here. - A bit about me?- Yeah.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Oh, really? What's it say? - You'll like this.- Oh, yeah?
0:02:16 > 0:02:20"The audience was captivated by Ernie Wise, a highly talented
0:02:20 > 0:02:21"and versatile midget."
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- "Versatile midget"?! - Yeah.- It doesn't say that!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31No, that is true, it doesn't. I made up the versatile bit.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34It says, now listen,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38"The dance routine he performed was breathtaking.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39"He finished his routine with a splits,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- "the likes of which have never been seen before or since."- Really?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46And that is true, ladies and gentlemen, because in his act,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49he used to do the splits over a bucket of live lobsters.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Not easy, not when the tide's going out.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- And what was the song that you used to finish on?- I Who Have Nothing.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Fabulous. Wonderful.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- Nobody could do the splits like you. - I can still do the splits, you know.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Oh, no, you mustn't do it now, though.- Oh, yes!- Oh, don't.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Yes, I can still do it. - You'll dislocate a spat.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- I'm as good now as I was 30 years ago.- Oh, don't...
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Look at that.- You mustn't do it, look.- What d'you mean?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- You'll get a double chin.- No!
0:03:18 > 0:03:19LAUGHTER
0:03:19 > 0:03:23It could mean two pension books, you know that, don't you?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25ERNIE GROANS
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- What?- I'm stuck.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at a man now who's stuck!
0:03:32 > 0:03:33In mid-split!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Don't move!- What? I won't move.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39No, not you, them I'm talking about.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- I'll get you home.- Home?- Yes. - What are you going to do?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43No, you'll never get me in the car!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- I'll get you on the bus, one and two halves.- Oh...!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Hey, no, I tell you what, gentlemen, please. Thank you.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55What are you doing, fellas?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Whatever you do, don't make a wish.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03APPLAUSE
0:04:06 > 0:04:08FAST, ELABORATE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
0:04:28 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Barbara Woodhouse.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Barbara Woodhouse?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Says here she's in bed with distemper.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Why did you say that?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I have this hole under my nose doing nothing.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Look, I've got to think of this new ending for the show.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58It's got to be good, something different.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- That must have been nasty. - What must have been nasty?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Plane carrying 15 tonnes of rhubarb.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- What about it? - Had to make a forced landing.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14LAUGHTER
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Had to make a forced landing!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Hey, that's a good joke.- No! - We should use that in the show.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26No, no, we'll save the good stuff for the Christmas show.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I've got to think of a new ending for the show.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30This is difficult, it's got to be different...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32ERIC WHISTLES
0:05:34 > 0:05:37That's it. The new ending for the show.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39The Singing Fool!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- D'you think Des'll do it?- No, no!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Al Jolson will do a medley of Al Jolson songs.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53It's a knockout idea, I'm all for it.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Oh, I'm glad I thought of it. Great.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Did you put the cat out? - No, it's too cold for it tonight.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Oh, I suppose so.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:08CAT MIAOWS It's in the bed!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Told you it was too cold for it, didn't I?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Thank you, thank you very much.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27No doubt, ladies and gentlemen,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30many of you have seen Eric play the piano on the show, so you understand
0:06:30 > 0:06:34the reason why his ambition is to learn to play a musical instrument.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38So now we would like to present to you a xylophone duet.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- Are you ready, Eric?- Yes, I'm ready.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Fine, now the principle is the same as the piano, Eric.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- Ah, now, that is where the difficulty came.- Why?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49See, when I sat down to play, I couldn't get a note, you see.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- To me, it's like playing with the lid down.- Yes.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- I was getting segs, little segs... - Yes, I understand.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Ten little segs, I've got. - No, you don't understand,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00you play the xylophone with these little hammers.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01You see, like this, let me show you.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03XYLOPHONE GLISSANDOS
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Oh, very good.- See? Yeah.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08You mean, er, like this?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- That's it.- Excellent. - Quite simple.- I'm all for it.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Right, ladies and gentlemen, we would now like to play for you
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- Monti's Csardas.- Three Blind Mice.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- Pardon. - Three Blind Mice, it's harder.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- That's how I play it backwards. - Monti's Csardas.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- We're going to play Monti's Csardas. - Oh, are we?- Are you ready?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- It's up to you. - Here we go, one, two.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32ERNIE PLAYS "CSARDAS"
0:07:41 > 0:07:43APPLAUSE
0:07:47 > 0:07:49That was marvellous, weren't it?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- Where were you?- I couldn't get in!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- With one stick too.- One stick you did it, and it was on fire as well!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I've never seen hammers go like that before.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- You're supposed to come in halfway through.- Ha-ha-ha!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- I'll remember that.- Right. - Now, we'll try it again. Yes.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Are you ready?- Yes. - Here we go. One, two.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07ERNIE PLAYS "CSARDAS"
0:08:10 > 0:08:12ERIC PLAYS WRONG NOTES
0:08:14 > 0:08:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:40 > 0:08:43# Round like a circle in a spiral
0:08:43 > 0:08:46# Like a wheel within a wheel
0:08:46 > 0:08:49# Never ending or beginning
0:08:49 > 0:08:52# On an ever-spinning reel
0:08:52 > 0:08:54# Like a snowball down a mountain
0:08:54 > 0:08:57# Or a carnival balloon...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00# Like a carousel that's turning
0:08:58 > 0:09:00WINDMILL CREAKS
0:09:00 > 0:09:03# Running rings around the moon
0:09:03 > 0:09:06# Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
0:09:06 > 0:09:09# Past the minutes of its face LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:11# And the world is like an apple
0:09:11 > 0:09:14# Whirling silently in space
0:09:14 > 0:09:17# Like the circles that you find
0:09:17 > 0:09:20# In the windmills of your mind... #
0:09:20 > 0:09:23CLATTERING AND BANGING
0:09:20 > 0:09:23# Like a tunnel that you follow
0:09:23 > 0:09:25# To a tunnel of its own
0:09:25 > 0:09:28# Down a hollow to a cavern
0:09:28 > 0:09:30# Where the sun has never shone
0:09:30 > 0:09:33# Like a door that keeps revolving
0:09:33 > 0:09:36# In a half-forgotten dream
0:09:36 > 0:09:38# Or the ripples from a pebble
0:09:38 > 0:09:41# Someone tosses in a stream
0:09:41 > 0:09:46# Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face
0:09:46 > 0:09:51# And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space... #
0:09:51 > 0:09:55CLATTERING AND BANGING # Like the circles that you find
0:09:55 > 0:09:59# In the windmills of your mind WINDMILL CREAKS
0:09:59 > 0:10:01# Keys that jingle in your pocket
0:10:01 > 0:10:04# Words that jangle in your head
0:10:04 > 0:10:06# Why did summer go so quickly? HAMMERING AND BANGING
0:10:06 > 0:10:08# Was it something that you said?
0:10:08 > 0:10:13# Lovers walk along a shore and leave their footprints in the sand
0:10:13 > 0:10:18# Is the sound of distant drumming just the fingers of your hand?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20# Pictures hanging in a hallway
0:10:20 > 0:10:22# Or the fragments of a song
0:10:22 > 0:10:25# Half-remembered names and faces LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:27# But to whom do they belong?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29# When you knew that it was over
0:10:29 > 0:10:31# You were suddenly aware
0:10:31 > 0:10:34# That the autumn leaves were turning
0:10:34 > 0:10:38# To the colour of his hair
0:10:40 > 0:10:43# Like a circle in a spiral
0:10:43 > 0:10:46# Like a wheel within a wheel
0:10:46 > 0:10:49# Never ending or beginning
0:10:49 > 0:10:52# On an ever-spinning reel
0:10:52 > 0:10:55# As the images unwind
0:10:55 > 0:10:57# Like the circles that you find
0:10:57 > 0:11:01# In the windmills of your mind
0:11:01 > 0:11:03# Like a circle in a spiral
0:11:03 > 0:11:07# Like a wheel within a wheel LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:09# Never ending or beginning
0:11:09 > 0:11:13# On an ever-spinning reel
0:11:13 > 0:11:16# As the images unwind
0:11:16 > 0:11:19# Like the circles that you find
0:11:19 > 0:11:28# In the windmills of your mind. #
0:11:28 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER
0:11:33 > 0:11:35WIND HOWLS
0:11:39 > 0:11:41APPLAUSE
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Arise, Sir Ernest.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55LAUGHTER
0:12:23 > 0:12:26My queen, Cleopatra, is here now.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28WHIMSICAL MUSIC AND LAUGHTER
0:12:31 > 0:12:32MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- There you are, Desdemona.- My queen.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Has my lover arrived yet?- Which one?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- What day is it?- Friday. - Oh, Mark Anthony, two till ten.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- He loves you terribly. - I keep telling him that.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:52All men are fools.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56They fling themselves at my feet and I use them as stepping stones.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58FANFARE PLAYS
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- He is coming now, Mark Anthony. - Another stepping stone arriving.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Go and help him up the steps, he's only got little legs.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:10He is here now, Mark Anthony.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12WHIMSICAL MUSIC AND LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:17MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:13:18 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:27My queen!
0:13:27 > 0:13:31I search in vain for words adequate enough to describe your great beauty.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Try.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37How's this for starters?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I've only loved like this once before, and when I die,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44you will find engraved on my heart the words Cleopatra...
0:13:44 > 0:13:46and Barclays Bank.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Foreign Department.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I can honestly say I have never heard such flattering words.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Would you leave us, Desdemona? - My queen.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Alone at last. Get the grapes out and let's get at it.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Are you...?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Are you quite sure that we are alone?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Of course I'm sure we're alone. - I think not.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21For some time now, I have had the feeling that we are being watched.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Impossible.- You think so.- Yes.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27LAUGHTER
0:14:28 > 0:14:30APPLAUSE
0:14:35 > 0:14:38My queen, he is so far away, he can't possibly see us from there.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Oh, me eye!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Tell me, my queen, do you know that man?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49I believe him to be a Roman guard,
0:14:49 > 0:14:53a soldier sent by Caesar to keep an eye on me and the company I keep.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56If Julius Caesar finds out that you and I have been...
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- It means certain death for both of us.- That's not nice, is it?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Don't worry, I can handle him. - Oh, good.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05My queen, the Roman guard is here.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"MATCH OF THE DAY THEME" PLAYS
0:15:12 > 0:15:13ERIC BLOWS WHISTLE
0:15:13 > 0:15:15LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:20APPLAUSE
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I'm sorry I'm late.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27But I've been irrigating the desert.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:34And it's very difficult on your own.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- Is Julius Caesar with you? - Couldn't come, love. Couldn't come.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Got the hieroglyphics.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44He does send his love.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46You must be very hungry after such a long journey,
0:15:46 > 0:15:47can I get you some food?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50No, I'm all right, thank you. Had a couple of sheep's eyes,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52they'll see me through the rest of the day.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00I never could play that game!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02ERIC GIGGLES
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- You must be hungry for something. - That's true.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Be honest, come on!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24APPLAUSE
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Tell me, sir, what is your mission here?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I've been sent from Rome by Julius and Caesar!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- Julius AND Caesar? - Yes, I'm afraid so.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42He had a terrible accident while polishing his sword.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47Am I right in assuming that your sole purpose here is to spy on me?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Is there anything to spy on? - Meaning?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53You and the little fella here. A touch of the "Hello, folks"
0:16:53 > 0:16:55and "What about the workers" every now and again.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57How dare you suggest a touch of the, er,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59"Hello, folks" and "What about the workers?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- Now and again.- Now and again. You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03there's nothing like that been going on...
0:17:03 > 0:17:05What are you doing here then?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06I came to see if the queen has got everything.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- And has she?- Yes. - You've looked?- No!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Well, why are his legs blushing?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- Psst!- Eh?- What?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Don't let him frighten you. - Yes, but if he tells Julius Caesar
0:17:23 > 0:17:25about you and I, you know, with the "Hello, folks"
0:17:25 > 0:17:27and "What about the workers,"
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I'll lose me pension and me gold watch!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31All men are fools, and what makes them so is
0:17:31 > 0:17:34having beauty like what I have got!
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Great, great.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- You have a plan? - Leave me alone with him...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Leave me alone with him for five minutes.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- Five minutes?- Five minutes.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05I will incriminate him and then we need fear nothing he may do.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Please!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10He is a soldier of Rome! It is impossible to incriminate him.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Leave me alone with him! - Just as you say, Cleo.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16What do you think of it so far?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16"Rubbish."
0:18:16 > 0:18:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:24 > 0:18:25- Noble sir...- Thank you.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Can I do something for you, can I attend to your camel?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Please do, you'll find it outside. - Yes.- You can't miss it.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Looks like a horse with an airlock.- Right.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Put this on the hump in case it freezes tonight.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I certainly will. Bye-bye, Cleo.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- A magnificent beast. - The camel?- No, Ern.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44SEDUCTIVE EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Is your back still bad?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I like you, you are a warm-blooded creature
0:18:53 > 0:18:55and I'm aflame with desire for you.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I can feel my passion growing hotter and hotter!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Leave everything to me, cheeky.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I understand the ways of women.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11LAUGHTER
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Sorry about that. - Is this your first visit to Egypt?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- I've never been here before in my life!- When was that?
0:19:19 > 0:19:20About two years ago.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24We seem to have turned over two pages there.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- What do you think of the Pyramids? - Excellent.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Their last record was a belter.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I'm sure you would be more comfortable on these cushions
0:19:32 > 0:19:33next to me.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Lady, I must warn you that I am a soldier of Rome,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42and that I have sworn a vow to my emperor.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45If you are toying with the idea of trying to seduce me,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I must tell you here and now that I have no other alternative
0:19:48 > 0:19:50than to leave this room first thing tomorrow morning. Move up.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53LAUGHTER
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Oh, sorry.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Grapes!
0:20:03 > 0:20:04I can take a hint.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11ERIC TAP DANCES
0:20:15 > 0:20:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:20 > 0:20:22ERIC SPLUTTERS
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- ERIC COUGHS - Sit down.- I am.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28ERIC COUGHS
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- Would you like to rest your head on my lap?- If you can get it off, yes.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Don't... Don't you find...?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Don't you find the desert romantic?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42It's all right now but what's it like when the tide comes in?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- I like you!- Hello!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Kiss me!- All right, then.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51BOING!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Have you ever thought of being a plumber?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Comfortable?- Well...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04just the...
0:21:05 > 0:21:06- Yours, I think.- Sorry.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- How do you like me stroking your hair?- Oh, it's marvellous.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17It really is, yes. But don't overdo it.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I've only got eight and six of those are Ern's.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Psst!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Don't crocet to cut the sleeking cowder.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27The sleeking cowder.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- In his goglet. - I geg your garden?
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- The sleeking cowder. - The sleeking cowder. In me goglet.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- In his goglet. - Sleeking cowder.- Yesh.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44And we can sling him the Nile.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Another drink?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52A gottle of geer, if you have it!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Thank you.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04What the..? Yuh... Hey...
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Very powerful stuff.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10When did you last see a woman?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11I've forgotten, sir.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It's no good trying to fight me,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19your little heart is pounding like a whippet in a bowler hat.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23But you're in love with...Mark Anthony.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- Me and Mark Anthony?!- Yes!
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Don't mention that man's name to me, I can't stand the sight of him.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Wait a minute! Wait a minute, I heard that!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I'm Mark Anthony. Now, listen to me, it's time for me to act.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38That'll be the day.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- Just a moment.- What?- You love the queen.- I loved her once.- Once?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46And you told me you were a centurion! You're all talk, you are.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Mark Anthony, you have been and always will be a fool.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55You are treating me as a big prawn.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58You can't fight nature's arms.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59- I love you.- Of course you do.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- I want you to take me with you to Rome.- She lies, she lies.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- What an actor.- She lies, she thinks all men are fools and what makes them
0:23:04 > 0:23:07so is having grew to like what she has got.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- My queen.- What is it, Desdemona?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Looks more like Des O'Connor.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16My queen, terrible news from abroad.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- They want the Oscar back. - They want it back.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Speak, Desdemona.- Speak.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25If you go to Rome with that man, you will surely die.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Is this true?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29As surely as the sun rises above the Co-op in Cairo.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- Who are you?- Who am I? I'll tell you WHOM I am.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I am Octavian Caesar, nephew of Julius Caesar,
0:23:38 > 0:23:39ruler of the world
0:23:39 > 0:23:41and certain parts of Birkenhead.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- Julius Caesar's nephew?- Yes, I am. - I don't believe it.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Now do you see why wants you to go with him?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50You said that without moving your lips.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51As his prisoners!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53She can do it, as well!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Face Julius Caesar and certain death?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59That's true.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- Certain death? No, please.- Get off.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Please. I don't want to be slewed.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Don't throw me to the lions, they won't like me, I'm all gristle.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12But you have made love to the queen!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- It was nothing.- I can believe that.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Then you intend seeing this through to the bitter end?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Well, we might as well, we've all learnt the words, haven't we?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- How do you feel about it?- Yeah, we'll carry on.- See how long it goes.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Right. I have one final request.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Well, hurry up, cos you are running a bit late.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- Final request?- If I am to die, let it be by my own hand.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- No!- A fine actor, that boy.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37- Fetch me the asp.- Asp?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- It's a poisonous snake.- Is it?- Yes.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- There's an asp in that. - Yeah, there is.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- Would you hold the basket while I remove the lid?- Certainly.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53This deadly serpent will put an end to my misery...
0:24:53 > 0:24:55by biting me...
0:24:55 > 0:24:56on the breast.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- Could I have a word with you, please?- Yes.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- Is that official? - Yes, it's all in the play.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- The snake comes out of the basket and bites her on the breast, yeah.- Fine.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- End it for me now. - Ready when you are, pally.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:24APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- What are you doing? - I'm warming up the snake.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- You're disgusting, you are. - Of course I am, you fool!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- Put me out of my misery.- All right, he's been asleep for three months.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38You've been in a sling, haven't you?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40And don't forget your promise.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42And look at me when I'm talking to you.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Go on, enjoy yourself, it's your birthday. Ready.- Ready.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- Ha! She missed.- Missed. - Again.- Again! Argh!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- Too quick for me, this one. - Argh!- Pardon?
0:25:49 > 0:25:53SHE SCREAMS
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Is she dead?- Yes, she's dead. - Well, I'm going to do something now
0:25:57 > 0:25:59that I've never done to a lady on television before.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- What are going to do? - I'm going to pinch her Oscar.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I'm Andre Previn.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I worked with Morecambe and Wise,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11look what happened to me.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14BELL RINGS
0:26:19 > 0:26:22APPLAUSE
0:26:23 > 0:26:26STRING MUSIC STARTS
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Well, do you like being famous?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Well, it's not like in your day, you know?
0:26:39 > 0:26:40What?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Oh, that's an insult.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46What do you mean, not like in my day?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Well, my dad used to tell me about you, you know?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- In the old days.- You've only got a little dad, have you?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54LAUGHTER
0:26:54 > 0:26:56His dad used to tell him!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58That's a bit strong, isn't it?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- No, he's right.- All right, Bonzo?!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- Ringo.- Yeah, him as well.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Get them off, they've done enough.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- What do you mean, "done enough"? - Well, they're getting insulting now.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11No, look, what I was going to suggest was let's do a number with the boys.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Oh, yeah. One that the dad will remember.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Like I used to do, with your dad.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- You go and get changed.- Yes, I will. - What do you think we should do, boys?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22What about something that's more suitable for Eric's age?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- Moonlight Bay?- Moonlight Bay!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29So, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to make history on television.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32For the first time, we have Morecambe And Wise and The Beatles
0:27:32 > 0:27:37presenting to you that wonderful old-fashioned number, Moonlight Bay.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39You all remember the number.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42OK, fellas. That's great, you look marvellous.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46You ready? All right, we'll take it from the top. OK, Kenny, thank you.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49PIANO STARTS
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# We were strolling along
0:27:51 > 0:27:53# Twist and shout!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55# On Moonlight Bay
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Whoo!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# We could hear the voices singing
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# I like it!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- # And they seem to say. # - Bonzo!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# You have broken my heart
0:28:08 > 0:28:10# Oh, twist and shout
0:28:10 > 0:28:13# Don't go away. #
0:28:13 > 0:28:15- Have the Beatles gone? - No, they're here.- Oh.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19# With your short, fat hairy legs
0:28:19 > 0:28:27# On Moonlight Bay On Moonlight Bay
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# Whoo! #
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Yes!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33APPLAUSE