0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains adult humour and very strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:08Ross Lee is a practitioner of pranking and the public are his pray,
0:00:08 > 0:00:12a master of mischief, his mind a cyclone of stupidity,
0:00:12 > 0:00:18this is what happens when he spins out of control and crashes into the real world.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38You are not allowed to do that.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Tamara!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I've never done this before.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Fuck me with a whisk! I think it's a fucking tiger!
0:00:48 > 0:00:49This is fucking dodgy.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53I've shown you me tits now give us a meat pie.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Starring a man who's eyes twinkle at the sight of a wrinkle.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Our friendly senior citizens
0:01:02 > 0:01:04and special guest Nigel.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Yeah, hi, pal I'm looking for a new bed.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12So these are a whole floor of beds.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Oh.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Great.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22You see I'm not being funny, but I'm looking for a quality bed.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- Yeah.- One that can take a good...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27A good pounding at fairly regular intervals,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30if you know what I mean, yeah?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I could recommend this one.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36- This mattress?- Yeah. - Is this an orthopaedic mattress?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Orthopaedic simply means firm.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Well, yeah, you know if someone had say like a weak back
0:01:42 > 0:01:45or a hunch, would this be more comfortable for them?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Personally I would say yeah.
0:01:47 > 0:01:53Does this bed...would it come with a waterproof mattress cover?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03This is what I like all these bits they do.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Hold it together, keep it together, woo.
0:02:14 > 0:02:20Do you have any beds that would be compatible with, um, say, um...
0:02:22 > 0:02:25..with a, with a stair lift?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I'm sorry could I just, could you just excuse me, for one second.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35There's just something I really have to do.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42MUSIC: "Suddenly" by Angry Anderson
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Excuse me, do you mind putting me down for...
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Come on!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I love you ladies, ladies.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Ladies, I'll be back I'll be back soon!
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- Oh.- I haven't had a tongue lashing like that since 1964.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Meanwhile, Slaphead.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Featuring a man seeking that which is now lost.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36And pet emporium employee Jeanette.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Excuse me, excuse me.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06You are not allowed to do that.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Please leave the shop now. Please.
0:04:09 > 0:04:15Out! I'm asking you to leave. No, out.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Now.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Take your hat and go.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Starring a music producer from the 1980s
0:04:35 > 0:04:38and an estate agent from Surbiton.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41This tousle haired tit is house-hunting
0:04:41 > 0:04:47and like any normal person he wants to try it before he buys it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- You don't know if there's any problems with subsidence here?- No.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00It feels all right, cos what happens is you sort of,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03when you bang like that if there is any subsidence
0:05:03 > 0:05:06you feel more of a sort of a hollow feeling.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Do you know what I mean? But I can't.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16No, that's feeling all right. Yeah. Just going test the old acoustics in here.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20GUTTURAL HUMMING
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Do you mind just going there and doing it?- Oh, oh, oh!
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- No, there's no echo. - Do it again.- Oh!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31No echo at all, no, it's damp.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Can you hear me if I do that out here like this?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Trampoline.- I can hear you fine. - Can you hear what I'm saying?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Yeah, I can hear what you're saying.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Trampoline.- Trampoline? - Right, OK, what am I saying?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Octopus.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Octopus.- Can I just use the bathroom really quickly?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Then we'll be done. - Yeah, you can.- I won't be long.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58WATER RUNS
0:05:58 > 0:06:00HE HUMS
0:06:00 > 0:06:02You all right?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04< I'm just having a quick bath.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05- You are joking?- You what, mate?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Oh, don't! You can't.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Look, if you just give us five minutes.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- No, stop.- Just give us five minutes.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15No, this can't, I'm sorry pal, this can't happen.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17If I'm going to buy this house...
0:06:17 > 0:06:20No, no, this don't happen.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- I want to have a shower. - I'm sorry, I can't, I can't allow this.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- I want to test the bidet. - No, they won't, they won't have this.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30They won't know, will they? Look...
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I'm sorry this can't happen,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- How do you think... - You're using their towels and all?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39I'm sorry, you'll have to get dressed cos they can't...
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I know, I don't know, what the fuck?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- I've never come across something like this before.- Right.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48This is all new, I've never actually done a viewing
0:06:48 > 0:06:52where someone's just helping themselves, it's like they've moved in.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56If this goes on much longer, I'll have to fucking call someone else in.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Who? Ghostbusters, Chris? - I don't know but this, this isn't my house to do this.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- I'll just get in that bath... - Oh, come on man.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07I'll do my hair. Chris, I don't want to lose you, Chris.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10You've lost me already.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Starring this deaf old bird.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17And a helpful man with a beard.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22My husband keeps ringing.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I need to give him a message, but I can't hear anything when it...
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Could you answer and just pass the message on for me?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Sure.- Oh, it's his wife.- Hello.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Could you ask him what time he's going to be home, please?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39She would like to know what time you will be home.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- About an hour?- Oh, could you tell him I will be back in an hour
0:07:43 > 0:07:48- and I cannot wait for him to see my garden.- All right.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- Thank you.- She will also be back in about an hour
0:07:50 > 0:07:53and she can't wait for you to see her garden.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Could you tell him,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I've trimmed the bush and it's a lot tidier now, thank you.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01She's trimmed the bush and it's a lot tidier now.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Certainly, how has the ground been?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07It's been very moist.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It's been very moist, apparently.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Finally, one very last thing, sir. Thank you so much.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18Could you tell him please to remember to remind the neighbours...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Don't forget to remind the neighbours...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23..That it will get quite noisy.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25It will get quite noisy.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Because I'll be screaming like a bitch
0:08:28 > 0:08:31while he smashes me back doors in with his dirty tool.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Because she'll be screaming like a bitch
0:08:34 > 0:08:38when you're smashing the back doors in with your dirty tool.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Yes.- All right? You understand?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46That's fine, now is there anything you need him to bring?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Could he bring some condoms?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Could you bring some condoms?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- And a marrow.- And a marrow.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Oh, and don't forget the semi skimmed milk.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Don't forget the milk. - Thank you.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Thank you, bye-bye.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Starring a desperate Don Quixote.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09An entire restaurant in on the gag.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12And the captivating, but clueless Kamara.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15What Kamara doesn't know is that her date has come to dine
0:09:15 > 0:09:19directly after finishing a shift at a nuclear power plant.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Do you do this a lot?
0:09:21 > 0:09:25This is one of the first times I've ever gone out and done this.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I've got a friend who does this every week.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31We used to go out all the time, I actually work with him as well.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34This was me just two weeks ago at work
0:09:34 > 0:09:37with Billy, hang on let's just have a look.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Can you see him there with the 'tasche?
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- Oh, yeah.- Do you know I work at the power plant?- No.
0:09:43 > 0:09:49- The guy in the middle there, Jason. - Yeah.- He actually died last week.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50No, really? How?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52We're not really sure.
0:09:52 > 0:09:57We're all sort of worried at work about, "Oh, what did he go of?"
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- Working with radiation, you've got to be...- Yeah.- Really careful.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02HE COUGHS
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- I hope I'm not coming down with something. - HE COUGHS
0:10:07 > 0:10:09There's been a lot going round.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Yeah, lots of bugs and everything, yeah.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I think...
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Is that my n...?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18I'm ever so sorry about that.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I've got a proper nose bleed now!
0:10:25 > 0:10:29I've got a weird sort of headache as well.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31It's a buzz, a buzz here.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- Yeah. - I'll be fine I'll be all right.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I would stop pulling.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55It doesn't normally come out like that.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Yeah, whilst you're eating, I would just leave it.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- Look at that. Would you say, you're a beauty technician?- Yeah.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Have you ever seen that?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Do you se this at work?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I'd leave it. Wait till you get home.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- I'm a bit worried about that. - know.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- What would you do in this situation? - Go to the doctors.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You know what as well?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23They gave me this at work for ailments and things,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25but I can't read it because I can't see.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Could you just read that out for me and say if it says anything about...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31In case of exposure to radiation,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34please check for signs, an irritating cough can occur,
0:11:34 > 0:11:38also bleeding from orifices such as the nose, hair loss.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- Hair loss?- And skin irritation, do you have any skin irritation.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45My arms do feel a bit weird.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Oh, that's not right, is it?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- No.- Oh, my God, oh.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54OK, that's actually making me sick.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Just, what was the last one, as well?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Teeth dropping from mouth may be a problem.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03OK, let me stand outside because I feel a bit queasy.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Hey, Kamara, are you OK?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Look, I'm as freaked out myself, to be honest.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I've spoken to work and they've said to sit tight.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Someone's either going to call me back...
0:12:18 > 0:12:19PHONE RINGS
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I can't actually, I can't hear anything.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Could you just... Is there anybody there?- Hello?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- What's she saying?- She says there's trouble at the plant.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- Trouble?- Yes.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Billy, Billy?- Billy.- Lost him.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- Lost him?- Lost him.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- Someone's coming to get you. Do they know where you are? - Yeah, yeah.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- Well, I'm losing even more hair now. - OK, stop picking it.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Can I just, this is a Geiger counter can I just...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51BLEEPING
0:12:53 > 0:12:54BLEEPING INTENSIFIES
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Can I go to the toilet? Sorry.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59SIRENS
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Kamara, Kamara.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Kamara, don't...
0:13:11 > 0:13:17Kamara! Kamara, don't go! We haven't finished yet.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20We haven't even had dessert.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Introducing a sociopathic celebrity agent
0:13:25 > 0:13:28and a promising young performer.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Nice to see you, sit down, take a seat.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I want to get into films or do stunts, just anything I can do.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Anything I can do along those lines would be brilliant.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Would you sleep with Kerry Katona?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- Probably.- I'm looking for celebrities, right?- Yeah.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- The books are open at the moment. The books are open.- Yeah.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52The important thing is knowing people are willing to put themselves out there.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- I am not a normal guy. - Right, you're in the jungle.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- Yeah.- Now what are you going to do with this?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Remember, you've got to perform here.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03What was your name again?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- Josh.- People want to tune in back in and watch Josh Delaforth.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08What you going to do with that?
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Get the spider and apologise to it right now. Have you got the spider?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- Right, treat it with care. Put it there, I want you to apologise.- I'm really sorry.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- IN VOICE OF SPIDER: - Why are you sorry? - Well, I... I lost my temper.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Yeah, you did, I've lost all my legs.- Sorry, man.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37- I'll make it up to you, I promise. - How will you make it up to me? - I'll look after you,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- I'll give you the best life you can have.- Really?- Yeah.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- Do you love me?- I do love you.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Why? - Because I think you're beautiful.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Can we have little baby spiders?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50It will be difficult, but we will find a way.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- What you doing?- fingering a spider.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56You're fingering a spider?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Well, that's all I need to hear. See that dummy over there?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Yeah.- It's a big angry monkey. It's just called you a twat.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Hang on, let me just see if I can defuse the situation, yeah?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Right, that bloke over there, right?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15What do you think of him?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Think he's a twat?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Apparently he does. He does think you're a twat.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28You've just kicked a monkey.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32- I've kicked a monkey...- Right in the face.- He called me a twat, though. - Josh...
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I want to do business with you, I want to sign you up.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- That's what I like to hear.- What do you say?- Thank you very much.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Yeah?- I won't, I won't let you down.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Featuring Mikael, the gay stereotype,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48his accomplice, Clare
0:15:48 > 0:15:50and her boyfriend, James.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Clare has set her boyfriend up,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55because he gets jealous when other blokes pay her attention.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00She's brought him along for a calming yoga session
0:16:00 > 0:16:02and James can relax, because yoga teacher Mikael
0:16:02 > 0:16:05is very obviously gay...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07ish.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I'm just going to see where the fulcrum is of that breathing.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13And out...
0:16:14 > 0:16:19- You smell... You smell lovely. - Thank you.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22It's like a big strawberry split,
0:16:22 > 0:16:23all dripping wet.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Strawberry split that I'd like... That I could lick.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30From head to toe.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- It's all right, don't you worry. - No, I'm not.- I'm gay.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41- Right, we just need to loosen up these hips, OK?- OK.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46Now, I'm just going to need to grab each shoulder blade, like that.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Push back, push back nice, nice and hard.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55Bit, bit harder and... That's it!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58And forward...
0:16:58 > 0:17:01and back. We know what we're doing.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Right, legs in the air. And after three,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07pull towards your face, that's it!
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Keep doing that, that's it. Let's have a look.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16Here, put your knees on my shoulders here, that's it, that's it.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19There you go.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24- It's all right, James, don't worry, it's OK, I'm gay!- Really?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- I'm starting to doubt that now. - There we go.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Keep go... There.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35Micky? All right, son?
0:17:35 > 0:17:39You just carry on. You carry on. That's it, there you go.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Now think of nothing, nothing, nothing.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48- Stuart, what are you doing here? I'm bloody working. - Did you get my email last night?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- What the two birds in Jacuzzi? - No, the redhead, you know.- Shush!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- What?- Have you got your camera?
0:17:55 > 0:17:56- Yeah.- I've got an idea, go get it.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Now?- Yeah, go on.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Get in this position, knees out like that.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07That's it, everyone get on all fours, that's it.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11That's it. Right, spread your legs, spread your legs. OK.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Right, you need to now start up and down up, like this...
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Up and down. Come on, let me help you, let me help you.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- That's it, let me just... Let me just help you.- What are you doing?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- What the fuck are you doing? - Just get down, get down.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26You can't just stop the exercise.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31Yes, you can, when someone with a camera who's recording me right now comes in.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- You what?- What's going on?!
0:18:34 > 0:18:38I'm sorry, I should've said, he's not going to take any pictures of you, right?
0:18:38 > 0:18:42- All he's doing is taking pictures of the class.- Yeah. - That's all he's doing.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Right, well... - So don't worry, now calm down.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- The class is over now, we're off. - Why?- This is fucking dodgy.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- If you don't want the pictures to be taken...- No, I don't.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Hold my hand, will you hold my hand too?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55What's he all about?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I don't... That was weird. I'm sorry, pal, but that was weird.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59It's OK, I'm gay.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09And special guest, the plumber.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Hello?
0:19:22 > 0:19:26'Hello and welcome.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30'Please state the name of the person you are here to see.'
0:19:30 > 0:19:33John Harvey.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37'You have requested Barbara Gonzalez.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39'Is that correct?'
0:19:39 > 0:19:42No, John Harvey.
0:19:44 > 0:19:50'Do you require Jonathan or Harvey.'
0:19:51 > 0:19:54John, Jonathan.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59- 'Jonathan Harvey, is that correct?' - Yes.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03'Please state your name.'
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- Andy.- 'Julie, is that correct?'
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Andy.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17'Please state your occupation.'
0:20:17 > 0:20:22Can I speak to John Harvey please I'm here to do a blocked sink?
0:20:22 > 0:20:28'John Harvey, you are an employee of this company,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31'please proceed.'
0:20:31 > 0:20:36- No, I want to speak to john Harvey. - 'Hello and welcome.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40'Please state the name of the person you are here to see.'
0:20:45 > 0:20:48'The weather report.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52'Sunny with showers.'
0:20:53 > 0:20:58Featuring an average northern man looking for a snack
0:20:58 > 0:21:01and a stupefied sandwich maker.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Hi, just give us a meat pie, please, mate.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Just, er, one meat pie.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- Meat pie.- Yeah, yeah.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23HE CLEAR HIS THROAT
0:21:23 > 0:21:25We don't have meat pie.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- You what, mate? - We don't have meat pie.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30You're telling me you haven't got meat pie?
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Oh, give over. Come on, just one meat pie.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36We don't have meat pie.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Oh, right, I get it.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42For me to get what I want, yeah...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I've got to give you what you want, yeah?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I can see you. I can see you looking at me.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52I can see you looking at me, I can read you like a book, you know, you guys.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Every single one of you, right?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59You're all the same. Well, OK, right, have it your way.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Right.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Happy now?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I've shown you me tits...
0:22:12 > 0:22:14now give us a meat pie.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16We don't have meat pie.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Do you want to mash 'em?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20No, thanks.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22HE SIGHS
0:22:22 > 0:22:24You know what, mate?
0:22:24 > 0:22:29You've made me feel really cheap, I hope you're happy with yourself.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Starring the head of security at a disused factory
0:22:42 > 0:22:44and special guest, Jay.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It's Jay's first day on the job
0:22:47 > 0:22:50and it's up to the boss to show him the ropes.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Just us two today, yeah, Adam's just gone.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55The only real ball-ache about this job is, er...
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- there's got to be somebody in this control room at all times. - Of course.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Right, so, jay, I'm just going to do the rounds, right? See you in a bit.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17- ON WALKIE-TALKIE: - 'Right, OK. If you look at the monitor
0:23:17 > 0:23:19'you can see now I'm in sector one, over.'
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Yep, I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25'# Da, da, da...#'
0:23:25 > 0:23:29'I'm now in what we call sector two.'
0:23:29 > 0:23:33I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36HE LAUGHS
0:23:36 > 0:23:39'Peace out, over.'
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- 'Over.' - Yeah I see you in sector three now.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45'I tell you what, it's not rocket science, is it, mate?'
0:23:45 > 0:23:48No, definitely not.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Ross, come in?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01'Hello? Over.'
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Sector One, I've just seen a tiger in sector one.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08'You what, mate?'
0:24:08 > 0:24:12I just saw a tiger in sector one.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17'Eh, fuck off, mate. I knew I were going to like you.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21'What, like a cat? A stray cat? A moggy?'
0:24:21 > 0:24:24No, mate, a big moggy. Trust me, a big tiger.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26It had stripes and everything, over.
0:24:26 > 0:24:32'Well, I'll go and have a look for a big stray cat then, shall I?'
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Be careful, over.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36'Let's have a look, um...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38'Oh, what a surprise(!)
0:24:38 > 0:24:41'It's negative on the tiger
0:24:41 > 0:24:45'and I'll have whatever you're smoking, mate!'
0:24:45 > 0:24:49I'm not funny, mate, it's serious. I did see it, I swear I did see it.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52HE CACKLES
0:24:52 > 0:24:55'Knobhead, over.'
0:24:55 > 0:24:57That was fucked up.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00'I'm just going off for a quick piss now, all right? Over.'
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Received, over. That was fucked up.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Oh, you bastard...
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Ross, come in, Ross.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22'Hang on, mate, I'm having a piss, hang on!'
0:25:22 > 0:25:24There's definitely a tiger, I just saw it.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Three times it's come back on our screen.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29'Fuck off, mate, a joke's a joke, innit?'
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Ross, come in, Ross.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37'Yes, Jay.'
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Right, the tiger's in there, mate.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45'Oh, come on, this is getting a bit boring now.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47'I mean, this is actually my job.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49'I've got to take it a little bit seriously.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53'I mean, I've seen foxes and all that, but tigers, come on...'
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Ross, what is behind that post in front of you.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59'All I can see is a bit of empty space, mate.'
0:25:59 > 0:26:01What, and darkness?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04'Yeah, yeah, darkness.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06'Going into the darkness now.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09'Nothing going on, nothing to report...
0:26:09 > 0:26:10- TIGER ROARS - 'Fuck me!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12'There's a fucking tiger!'
0:26:12 > 0:26:16PANICKED BREATHING
0:26:20 > 0:26:21THE TIGER ROARS
0:26:28 > 0:26:30'Oh, my God, it is!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33'Fucking hell.'
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Ross, come in, Ross.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38HE YELPS AND TIGER ROARS
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Ross, come in, Ross.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54THE TIGER ROARS
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Ross, come in, Ross.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04You're on a hidden camera show on BBC Three.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05I fucking knew it.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06SHE LAUGHS
0:27:06 > 0:27:09You had me like a little stray cat.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Oh, you joker. You joker!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14You were great, you were feisty!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16You were feisty, she was brilliant.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20We're not on TV, where's the fucking cameras?
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Who's this, the Ghostbusters?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- Right there's no-one here. - You want a bet?
0:27:24 > 0:27:28LAUGHTER Oh, you motherfucker!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Oh, my God!
0:27:33 > 0:27:34No!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Next time on The Pranker...
0:27:38 > 0:27:40This is running the extra mile.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Eurgh...
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Eugh!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:55 > 0:27:58E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk