0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Ross Lee is a practitioner of pranking, and the public his prey.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16A master of mischief, this is what happens when he spins out of control
0:00:16 > 0:00:18and crashes into the real world.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Take all your shit and fuck off now.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48MAN SHOUTS IN PANIC
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Ross, come in, Ross.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52SHOUTING CONTINUES THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:01:00 > 0:01:02At a garden centre somewhere,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05this bouffant buffoon is searching for a new barbeque.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11- All right, mate.- Can you do us a favour, pal? Can you show me how this works?- Turn it on.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Oh, right, it's gas. If I'm going to buy it, I need to try it, you know?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Am I all right just having a look at it for a couple of minutes,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- before I decide, then I'll give you a shout?- No worries.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Are you having a laugh? Get it off.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- Get what off? - Take all that stuff off.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- They're nearly ready these, look. - Take them off and get out.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- Have a beer, chill out, relax, come on.- Take all your shit...
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Look, I'm not going to buy it if I've not tried it, here you are.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I don't care, take your stuff and go.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Are you a vegetarian? - No, no, shut up and get out.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Come on, what's wrong with you? It's a bit ungrateful.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Here I am cooking us some burgers, what am I supposed to put them in?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Here, would you say that were cooked?
0:02:03 > 0:02:08Look, take your hat. Now, you see that exit? Go, now.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09- Because...- Go now.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- Because I need to...- Go now.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Cos, could I have a sausage?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Go away.- Look, right, if you buy a car, if you buy a car,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19sometimes you've got to test drive the actual car,
0:02:19 > 0:02:20do you know what I mean?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21- Do us a favour.- Yeah?
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Fuck off now and take your fucking stuff!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Meanwhile, across town...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I was just wondering if you could help me.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43I've got this bit of a problem,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46and I was just wondering if, if you've got anything for it.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48OK.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51It's a bit embarrassing, it's a lump that's come up on my chest.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Well, I say a lump, it's more like, more like two lumps.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Right. - Is it all right, can I show you?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Sure.- Is that OK? Let me just..
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Right, have you got anything for this?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Definitely not.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07No.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12- How long has that been there? - Well, couple of months now.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Have you been to a doctor about it? - Not yet, no.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16You certainly need to go.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19When I get cold, they shrink,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23they retract sort of into my... into my body.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25This is something I've never seen.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Certainly there will be no creams for that.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33OK, the other thing I've noticed, I don't know if it's related, is, if I cough,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37they sort of rise upwards and then drop down.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39If you watch...
0:03:42 > 0:03:44What do you think it might be?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Could be some sort of tumourous growth,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50maybe not a deadly cancer, but some sort of growth.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53You can't treat this over the counter.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58So why would it be then that every time I listen to, say, hip hop music
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I get a strong urge to hold them?
0:04:00 > 0:04:06I don't know. No, I don't. No idea.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- Strange.- Yeah.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11OK, well, thank you so much for trying to help me.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- I appreciate that. - No problem, it's fine. - Thanks, it's driving me nuts but, um,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- thank you very much.- OK.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33New age Ross is house hunting
0:04:33 > 0:04:36and it's Neil's job to sell him one,
0:04:36 > 0:04:40but Ross is more interested in what the spirits have to say.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Do you know why the current owners are renting the place out?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- No. - Do you know if they've been happy?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- I imagine they have, yeah.- Yeah?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Yeah, I mean it looks like a happy house, so...
0:04:52 > 0:04:56I'm sensing something quite sad that took place.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Do you want to look upstairs?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Great.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03There's many spirits in this room,
0:05:03 > 0:05:08there's a beautiful lady that I can see here, called Rosemary.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Right.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Rosemary, she thinks we should take the place.- That's good, yeah.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13In fact, Neil,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16could you just give me one minute on my own in the room,
0:05:16 > 0:05:20just to deal with the spirit, just to get a feel for the energy?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Yeah.- Thank you, thank you.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I need to get some pictures,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- I'm just going to quickly set up downstairs, so...- OK, OK.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42MAN: And so, the next thing I realised was I was there and I was going, "Oh, yeah, here you are."
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Yeah, yeah, yeah...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46INAUDIBLE
0:05:46 > 0:05:49..steps, and there was this chair, and I was going...
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Fuck, Ross, what you doing, man? Oh, Ross.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Ah...aahhh!
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Oh, fuck!
0:05:57 > 0:06:01ROSS CONTINUES TO MUTTER TO HIMSELF
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Dan, you've got to get here, mate,
0:06:03 > 0:06:07this guy's a fuck... he's got like skulls and shit.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Dan, you've got to come here quick, man.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13The geezer's just like...
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Dan, seriously, mate, you'd better come here now.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19ROSS SQUAWKS AND GRUNTS
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Oh, Dan, man, this geezer's just fucking...
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Shall I ring the police?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Oh, I'm going to ring the police, mate.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Look what you've done to the landlord's sheet!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Ross, what you doing? Ross, we've got to go, we've got to leave.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36ROSS SHRIEKS
0:06:36 > 0:06:38HE MAKES ANIMAL NOISES
0:06:38 > 0:06:39You can't do this.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42HE SHRIEKS
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Ross?
0:06:48 > 0:06:52SHRIEKING AND GROANING
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Ross, you've got to get up, you've got to leave.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01You know, I don't want to be negative, but I don't think this is the right house for me.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05That's fine. Mate, we've got to go though, seriously, you can't...
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Hello, Darren?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I need somewhere with a bigger downstairs toilet, yeah?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Right, OK.- OK.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Featuring Mikael, the gay stereotype.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25..And her boyfriend, Mark.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- How are you both today? Are you all right?- Yeah, we're fine.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Georgina has set up her boyfriend, Mark,
0:07:31 > 0:07:36because he turns into a green-eyed monster when other chaps pay her attention.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39She's brought him along to enjoy a massage.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40He's no need to stress
0:07:40 > 0:07:45because masseuse Mikael is very obviously gay...ish.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Mmm! That's lovely, I could eat you alive.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Here, look at him looking a bit bad tempered.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- What? No, I'm, I've never said... - It's OK.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01A bloke sniffing me missus's neck.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Know what I mean? - No, it's OK, I'm gay.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- Oh, right. - You see around this area here...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- Yeah.- ..there's definitely a knot.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Now, listen, I'm just going to try something here. If you don't mind...
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Oh, yeah, does that feel any different?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19It does, it feels more supported.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23If that weight is lifted up then you're going to feel less pressure.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Pop yourself behind that screen, right.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31I'm going to give you something that just might help - be a bit more comfortable for you.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Oh, right.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34There you go, right.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Before you put that on,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- I just want to take a photograph, right.- Yeah.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40What? What's that for?
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Well, what it is, she can then look at the picture
0:08:44 > 0:08:47and she can see how she's holding herself.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49She can also see where the stress lines are, right?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52So, stand up nice and straight.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Right, just put one hand on your hip, that's it.- On her hip?
0:08:55 > 0:09:00Come on. That's it, that's it, there we go.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Some nice, relaxing music should do the trick.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06MUSIC STARTS
0:09:06 > 0:09:10What I need to do is film this treatment, this process.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Yes.- Is that all right? So...
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Sounds like a porno movie.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Move your hips a bit... Right, how does that feel?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- What do you mean, move her hips? - Are you all right there?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Not really.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23You will be, don't you worry.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27I'm just going to pop that over there, you relax.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30There we go. Right, OK, right, take that off.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Oh, fantastic, aren't they? They're really soft.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36What, what are you touching?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- You what, mate? - "You what, mate." What you touching? What's really soft?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43It's OK, I'm gay.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Fuck me, if you're gay, I'm the queen.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- There we go, pull that. - Pull what?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Do you want to just come round the screen slowly?
0:09:51 > 0:09:55That's it. Oh, fantastic, how does that feel?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- Feels great. - Right, right. Listen now.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- Walk slowly towards the camera. - Something ain't right here.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06- Just relax, calm down. - How can I relax when you're filming my missus dressed like that
0:10:06 > 0:10:07to bloody porno music?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10It's couples massage music, don't you worry.
0:10:10 > 0:10:16- Bollocks! Go get fucking changed. - I'm just going to get down low here right, there we go, right.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Go and get fucking changed.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22Walk past. Slower, slower.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25What?! Do you feel better now, do you?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28It's OK, I'm gay.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31MAN: Oh, yeah.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37..Featuring an average northern man requiring refreshment
0:10:37 > 0:10:39and a bemused Brazilian barman.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48'Ey up, mate, um, just a pint of dandelion and burdock, please, mate.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53Burdock... Sorry, I've just been talking to my manager
0:10:53 > 0:10:55and we don't have any of that at the moment.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Are you telling me you haven't got any dandelion and burdock?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Yes, that's what I've been told. - What is it that you're really after?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Whatever you want to drink I can offer you.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I want a pint of dandelion and burdock
0:11:07 > 0:11:09and I know what you want.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It's written all over your face.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15You men, you're all the same!
0:11:16 > 0:11:20OK, if that's the way that you want to play it,
0:11:20 > 0:11:21let's do it,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23let's have it your way.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27# Sometimes it's hard
0:11:27 > 0:11:30# To be a woman... #
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Are you happy now?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Fine, here we go, are you watching this?
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Just for you.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38But a deal is a deal, yeah?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40There we go.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Yeah?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46There you go, mate, now you've got what you want,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48can I please have what I want?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51If you can cover these for me, that would be great,
0:11:51 > 0:11:52I'll try to help you.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Are you seriously trying to tell me that you didn't want to see these things?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I don't want to see them.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01You really should stop leading people on, all right?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Presenting a local man with an unusual sideline in frozen goods
0:12:11 > 0:12:15and an innocent handyman who's just here to fix the ceiling.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21HE WHISTLES
0:12:21 > 0:12:22DOORBELL RINGS
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Hello, Bill, your handyman.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Ah, hey up, mate, how are you?
0:12:27 > 0:12:32This is the job in hand, two little holes here just need filling
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- and if you can paint it, would be perfect.- Right.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Just going to nip to the little man's room,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39just to spend a penny.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43TRICKLING
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Phew, that's a strong one, isn't it?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Woah, lovely.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Let's get these little puppies in the freezer,
0:13:00 > 0:13:05get them getting nice and hard, solidifying.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- So is that a sideline that you do? - Exactly that.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12The kids go absolutely mad for them. We've all
0:13:12 > 0:13:15got what it takes to be able to produce these things,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18it's just a matter of putting your mind to it.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Actually, I'm being ever so rude here. Would you like one?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- I'll try it. - Yeah, go on. There you go.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28What's in that?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It's a pisspop.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32A pisspop?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38No! Is that why you keep going to the toilet?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Is that what you make it from?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- Special recipe.- Oh, bloody hell!
0:13:45 > 0:13:50- Listen, mate, do you want me to tell you all about pisspops? - No, you carry on, it's all right.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Come on, that's it.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00I've got something to show you, Bill, and I've got something to tell you,
0:14:00 > 0:14:05because I am only going to say this the once.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11# Pisspops
0:14:11 > 0:14:12# Pisspops
0:14:12 > 0:14:16# Frozen golden wonder flowing over your chops
0:14:16 > 0:14:20# Lapping up a lovely as your temperature drops
0:14:20 > 0:14:24# Pisspops, pisspops
0:14:26 > 0:14:29# You want refreshment in the stifling heat
0:14:29 > 0:14:34# Your tongues are reaching out for my frozen treat
0:14:34 > 0:14:38# So icy hard it never slips when it drips
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# Our teeth are gleaming as it tingles our lips
0:14:41 > 0:14:45# Pisspops, pisspops
0:14:45 > 0:14:49# Frozen golden wonder flowing over your chops
0:14:49 > 0:14:53# Lapping up the lovely as your temperature drops
0:14:53 > 0:14:57# Pisspops, pisspops
0:15:00 > 0:15:03# There was a sad, sad time
0:15:03 > 0:15:08# When I was down and out
0:15:08 > 0:15:11# I'd spent my every penny
0:15:11 > 0:15:16- # I was in a drought - Ah!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19# My well had run so dry
0:15:19 > 0:15:24# And all the kids were sad
0:15:24 > 0:15:27# Not one last pisspop
0:15:27 > 0:15:32# At the bottom of my nads
0:15:32 > 0:15:36# How did I escape those dire straights?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39What did you do?
0:15:39 > 0:15:43# I had a few more pints
0:15:43 > 0:15:48# And I opened up the gates
0:15:48 > 0:15:51# Pisspops, pisspops
0:15:51 > 0:15:54# You're in for a sugar puffy potpourri
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# Plenty here for you and me
0:15:57 > 0:15:59# When we wee wee wee
0:15:59 > 0:16:02# Pisspops, pisspops
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- # Oh, how we love them - Pisspops
0:16:04 > 0:16:07# Pisspops
0:16:08 > 0:16:11# Pisspo-ps
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Pisspops! #
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Starring a man who's mangled his tiny mind with drugs
0:16:23 > 0:16:26and a fishmonger in for a sexy treat.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON HIS HEADPHONES
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Ey-up, mate. Just one sec, I can't get the bloody music off. Hang on.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- There we go. How you doing? - I'm fine. How are you doing today?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46All right. I'm after a fish, believe it or not.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48That looks bloody good, that one. What's that one?
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- It's called tilapia. - Look at the eyeballs. They're like on stalks, man, aren't they?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55It looks like that fish has been larging it all weekend.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59I could really, really fall in love with that fish.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Hey, come here. Come here, beautiful.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Hey, where've you been all me life?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Are you going to buy the fish, man? - This isn't a fish, it's a mermaid.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Wow!
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- You're beautiful. - Ross, you're making me so wet!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Come here and kiss me, you skinny little monkey.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Come on!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Make love to me, right here, right now.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Bloody hell! Where do I put it?
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Oh!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Oh!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Eew!
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Oh, Ross, you're the best lover I've ever had.
0:17:59 > 0:18:07Yeah, I've never made love to a half-woman, half-fish...fish...fish...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Whoa-ho-ho!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Flashback!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15There you go, mate. Cheers.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Starring the head of security at a disused factory.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33And special guest, Jay.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38It's Jay's first day on the job and it's up to the boss to show him the ropes.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Just us two today. Adam's just gone.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42The only real ball-ache about this job
0:18:42 > 0:18:45is there's got to be someone in this control room at all times.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Of course.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50So, Jay, I'm just going to do the rounds, right? See you in a bit.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Right, if you look at the monitor, you can I'm in sector one. Over.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Yeah, I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.
0:19:12 > 0:19:18Ross to Jay. I'm now in what we call sector two.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I receive. I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Peace out. Over.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Over.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Yeah, I see you in sector three now.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I tell you what, it's not rocket science, is it, mate?
0:19:32 > 0:19:33No, definitely not.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Ross? Come in.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Hello. Over.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Sector one. I've just seen a TIGER in sector one.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55You what, mate?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59I just saw a tiger in sector one.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04Eh, fuck off, mate. Are you over it, like, you?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08What, like a cat, a stray cat? A moggy?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10No, mate, a big moggy.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Trust me, a big tiger - it had the stripes and everything. Over.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19Well, I'll go and have a look for a big stray cat then, shall I?
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Be careful. Over.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Let's have a look, er...
0:20:24 > 0:20:29Oh, what a surprise(!) It's, er, negative on the tiger
0:20:29 > 0:20:32and I'll have whatever you're smoking, mate. Over.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I'm not funny, mate, it's serious.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I did see it. I swear, I did see it.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39ROSS LAUGHS
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Knobhead! Over.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45That was fucked up!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I'm just going to go for a quick piss now, all right? Over.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Received. Over.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52That was fucked up!
0:20:59 > 0:21:00CAMERA CLICKS
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Oh, you bastard!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Ross, come in, Ross.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Hang on, mate. I'm having a piss, hang on!
0:21:10 > 0:21:14There's definitely a tiger. I just saw it. Three times it's come back on our screen, man.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Fuck off, mate. A joke's a joke, innit?
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Ross, come in, Ross.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Yeah, Jay.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Right, the tiger's in there, mate.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Oh, come on. This is getting a bit boring now, yeah?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36This is actually my job. I've got to take it a little bit seriously.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40I mean, I've seen foxes and all that, but tigers? Come on.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Ross, what is behind that post in front of you?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46All I can see is a bit of empty space, mate.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49What, and darkness?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Yeah, yeah, darkness. Going into the darkness now.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Nothing going on, nothing to report...
0:21:56 > 0:22:00TIGER ROARS Fuck me, there's a fucking tiger!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Oh, my God, it is...!
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Fucking hell!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21TIGER ROARS
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Ross, come in, Ross.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25CONFUSED RACKET COMES OVER RADIO
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Ross, come in, Ross.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41TIGER ROARS
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Ross, come in, Ross.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Starring an entire restaurant that's wise to the wind up
0:23:42 > 0:23:46and the beautifully oblivious Stephanie.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Stephanie's friends have set her up on a blind date from hell.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52What lovely friends(!)
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Cousin Dan says, "Oh, you'll bloody love her, she looks just like Pink."
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- You're better looking than Pink. - Oh, shush! Er...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02So far, they're enjoying the restaurant
0:24:02 > 0:24:06but Ross has chosen it because he has a score to settle.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10My mum and dad were only here last week in this restaurant
0:24:10 > 0:24:14but me mum came in that night absolutely crying her eyes out.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Me mum heard the chef go,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20"This is for the old lady over there that looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp."
0:24:20 > 0:24:23He's not looking for romance, he's looking for revenge.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Are you ready for your order?
0:24:26 > 0:24:31Sorry, I just appear to have, er...ripped the, er...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- Oh.- I must've caught it under the bread.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- Sorry about that. Can I give you that back?- Yeah, don't worry, that's OK.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Right, do you know what you're... - Yeah, can I have the tuna and shrimp, please?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Two of those. I'll have the same, thank you very much.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Tuna and shrimp. - Fantastic. Thank you very much.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- And tuna and shrimp pizza for you as well.- Thank you.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Enjoy.- Thank you.- That's great.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59It's like a little, tiny blow torch, right?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Oh, don't.- No, that's all right. Look at that.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05See what...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Wow, look at that.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19Excuse me. Hi. This pizza, it's all burnt in the middle.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Look at that, it's rock-hard. Can I swap that, please, for a...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- Yeah, sure, so... - It's almost like you've got a very small cooker in there
0:25:25 > 0:25:28and it's concentrated on one bit of the pizza.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29- Right...- No...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- We're going to get some Champagne now.- No.- Trust me.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34All you've got to do is bang me on my back. Ready?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- HE MAKES CHOKING SOUND - No, don't. Please.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Just bang me.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Excuse me, are you OK? You all right?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- Oh, my goodness!- What's that?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53What on earth is that doing in my pizza? A Monopoly house.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- It looks like a Monopoly house. - I don't even play Monopoly
0:25:56 > 0:26:00How much is that worth in Monopoly? I don't know.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Can I offer you something as a, you know...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- Yes, please. - ..to say sorry, basically.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07It's a result, isn't it?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10If you say so.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I'm just going to go to the lavatory. I'll be right back.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Oh, no! I'm not...
0:26:21 > 0:26:24I just got this out of toilet.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Sssh! Amazing.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- Did I get your feet?- No.- OK.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I don't know about you but I'm going to get out of here, right?
0:26:36 > 0:26:42- This is a plan.- No, stop it. I'm not having anything else to do with it.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- This is the restaurant.- Ridiculous. - Do you see where we are? We're there.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I'll go down here, cause a distraction
0:26:48 > 0:26:50and then we're out of here.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52And you just need to follow me, OK?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- No, I'm not doing anything. - You ready?- No.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Stephanie.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00HE COUGHS
0:27:02 > 0:27:04EXPLOSION
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Come on! What you waiting...? Text us!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27You have been watching...
0:27:27 > 0:27:29You're on a hidden camera show for BBC Three.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Eh?
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Round of applause.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33CHEERING
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Oh, you joker! You joker!
0:27:36 > 0:27:39You're on a new BBC Three hidden camera show.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42CHEERING
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Why did I deserve it?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Because we just needed you to have some fun.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50You're on a hidden camera show on BBC Three.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52You're a fucking prick!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- And you're right, I'm not actually gay.- And you!
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Oh, fucking hell!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:02 > 0:28:05E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk