0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains very strong language and adult humour
0:00:44 > 0:00:47'Welcome to Inside The Story.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49'I'm Dale Maily,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52'fearless hetero journalist who's not afraid to be unafraid.
0:00:52 > 0:00:57'I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00'telling you the right way to think.'
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Hello, I'm Dale Maily
0:01:02 > 0:01:05and today I'm getting inside the story of the Occupy movement.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Behind me are a bunch of weed-smoking, anti-bank,
0:01:07 > 0:01:12anti-capitalist lunatic fascists, who hate Princess Diana.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14'From New York to London,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16'the Occupy movement is a load of soap-dodging hippies
0:01:16 > 0:01:20'who are whinging about how money supposedly corrupts politics,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23'so I'm going to the front line to tell them to grow up,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27'have a shave and start using some deodorant.'
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I'm going to go and risk my life now. I can feel a sense of danger,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32a sense of violence building. I'm going to go and see
0:01:32 > 0:01:34some of these terrorists and find out what they're actually doing.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Are you going to riot or...? - No, it's a non-violent protest.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Can we use that?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And what exactly is the issue?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- Is it that no-one wants to get a job?- Partly, yes.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46What's in these balloons? Are the reports true...oh!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49God, and gunshots, gunshots have been fired!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51OK, it's complete anarchy here, it's total chaos.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Sir, we've heard gunshots fired on the side over there.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Going to try and get in the front of the demonstration.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59There's lots of terrorists dressed as people
0:01:59 > 0:02:02and now they're trying to trap me, they're trapping me
0:02:02 > 0:02:03in a load of hippy-washing scum.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- If I paid you a tenner, would you say there was some violence? - Why?- Oh, don't film this.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10What we'll see is something approaching the apocalypse.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13What you can actually see is a lot of people
0:02:13 > 0:02:17violently walking down the street, real dangerous atmosphere here.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20But violence, more violence, and we're outside Goldman Sachs.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I just want to say, a bloody good job you're doing.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Thank God the police are protecting the banks.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Have you been warned to protect us?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Police completely struck dumb by fear.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31When you will get rid of this scum and neuter them all?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36The police are actually stopping people. They tried the kettle.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39The kettle hasn't worked, so they're using the toaster.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42What are you men doing? Are you trying to provoke a fight?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Can you just punch him? Can you just punch him?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48If the hippies actually got through here and walked through,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51money as we know it would be utterly destroyed
0:02:51 > 0:02:54and thank God for our boys in blue.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Thank you very much, sir. This and more coming up tonight.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01# I love London. #
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Hello, is this the Finnish Embassy? - Yes, it is.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Oh, hello, is the Ambassador there?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- So, what do you want?- Well, I've clamped your ambassadorial car
0:03:20 > 0:03:24cos you owe £133,000 to congestion charge.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29Many foreign embassies don't pay the London congestion charge.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31They say that the congestion charge
0:03:31 > 0:03:34isn't actually a charge, despite the name.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37No, they say it's a tax and therefore they don't have to pay up.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41They say they have diplomatic immunity.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43The government says it has always made it clear
0:03:43 > 0:03:45diplomatic missions aren't exempt.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49This is a charge for a service. It is not a tax.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51There's lots of ways this money could be spent.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Londoners should be benefiting from it
0:03:53 > 0:03:55and I'm afraid the embassies just need to pay up now.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04We are diplomats, we don't have to pay it.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Yeah, you're very crafty. Diplomats are incredibly crafty.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Well, tell the Ambassador we'll go for £60,000.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13But just tell him to pay it or there'll be serious...
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Or he'll have to take the bus and we won't let him on. All right?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Don't say we didn't warn you.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30There's an extremely late fine. I've just clamped one of the...
0:04:30 > 0:04:34How come you clamped it when it's our turf?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- It's not a parking issue.- OK. - It's a congestion charge issue.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Yeah, one second.- Thank you.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Hello, mate.- Oh, hello.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Are you from the Embassy? - Yeah, we all are.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Oh, from the German Embassy?- Yeah. - Excellent.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48There's an issue with an unpaid fine, congestion charge fine,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51so I've had to clamp the diplomatic car.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Yeah. 3.6 million in congestion unpaid.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- OK.- Yeah. Hello, sir.- Hi.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Are you aware how much you owe to the congestion charge?- No.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03You owe £3.6 million. You could write me a cheque right now. Yes.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- I'm not going to discuss this with you.- OK.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- You either release this car immediately...- Yeah, yes.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12..or we will write a note to the Foreign Office
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- and take down...- Write a note?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- No, sir.- Are you listening to me or not?- Half price, last offer.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- Let's haggle.- Look, I won't discuss...- 1.5 million.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- I just told you...- OK.- I'm not going to discuss this with you.- 1.2.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28- We need to see your ID, please.- You know the law of diplomatic immunity?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31The law of diplomatic immunity says that you get to not pay your bills?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Yes.- Is that right? - That's right.- Right, OK.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35If you please could listen to me,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38or this is the end of our conversation.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- That's not very diplomatic of you. - No, it's not very diplomatic of you to talk this way.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I want to try to explain something to you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- Listen...- If you just put... No, you listen to me.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- You listen to me.- You could drive a scooter instead of the Beamer, sir.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Please.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13# ..Money talks.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16# Dirty cash I want you... #
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Hi, guys, we're just collecting for GBFMYC.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Hello mate, do you have a second for GBFMYC?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23We're taking money from Lloyds employees.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Have you got a second? Do you work for RBS or Lloyds?- I do.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Hi there, do you work for RBS? We're targeting RBS employees today.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- There's a new campaign called GBFMYC.- Really?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Give us Back our Fucking Money You Cunts.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- It's a great campaign.- Oh yeah? - It's Give us Back our Fucking Money You Cunts.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48- We had to bail you bastards out. You wanker.- Fuck!- You wanker.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Give me Back our Fucking Money You Cunts.- Are you serious?- Yeah, yeah.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- Yeah. It's going back to the taxpayer, you see.- Fuck off.- Yeah.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Were you one of the guys who did really well
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- or was rewarded for failure? Which one were you?- Um...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Do you work for Lloyds?- Yeah. - Can I give you one of these stickers?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Sure.- Says, "I fucked the economy."
0:07:04 > 0:07:08In these times, there are going to be winners and losers.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12In 2005, billionaire Sir Philip Green banked the biggest cheque in corporate history,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15when his Arcadia fashion business, which owns Dorothy Perkins,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Miss Selfridge and Top Shop,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20paid out 1.2 billion in corporate profit.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23This record-breaking payment went to Arcadia's owner,
0:07:23 > 0:07:24his wife, the lovely Tina.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Because Tina lives in Monaco,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29they avoided an estimated 285 million in income tax.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34That 285 million would pay for 11,000 nurses' salaries.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37That or 12,000 more police constables,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39who could protect Sir Phil and his shop,
0:07:39 > 0:07:43should protesters come demanding that he pays a fair share of taxes.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Check out the new offshore range.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Get the offshore look. It's totally Monaco.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49It's so PAYE.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Hi, darling. Seen anything you like yet?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Last year was a bit kind of punk. - Yeah.- You know?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59And this year we want to be, I don't know, a bit, you know,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01a bit tax avoidance, a bit yacht.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- So, so offshore, isn't it?- Yeah. - Look at that. Yeah, really offshore.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- Right? I mean, who's got a yacht... - Exactly.- ..and pays tax? Nobody.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09It's a really Green garment, actually,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12like all the proceeds from this go to fund Green projects overseas.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Oh, cool.- Yeah, yachts, villas, swimming pools. Yeah.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Yeah, it's made in Romania and all the profits remain overseas,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20which I think's a good thing.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Sorry, I'm just off the plane from Monaco.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Did you get the call from Head Office about me coming here?
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- I mean, they've been giving these out on Oxford Street all day.- OK.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31It's just it's going to be a nationwide thing. Thanks, yeah.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32If you can just leave it here.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35You know, we're going to start bringing these in to most of the stores.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Well, it's called the Monaco look. - Monaco look?- Yeah, absolutely.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Can you just help me get it into the window?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Is that all right? There. I think there's good.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Let me just have a look and see what that looks like.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Spin it round.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Yeah, that's great. That's great. It's really offshore.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I like it. I like it. I like how offshore that looks.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58I think this is exactly what we were going for, really. That's great.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07# Hallelujah
0:09:07 > 0:09:09# Hallelujah
0:09:09 > 0:09:11# Hallelujah, hallelujah
0:09:11 > 0:09:14# Halle-lujah! #
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Could I ask you to sign the petition to make Tony Blair a saint?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20We just want to make Tony Blair... Tony Blair a saint?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- Why would I want Tony Blair to become a saint?- Why wouldn't you?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24He delivered us from evil.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26He performs miracles, he's like Jesus.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29He sleeps with Cherie Blair. He brought democracy to the Middle East.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32And Tony Blair turns an after dinner speech into £100,000 like that.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34And with his brother Bush,
0:09:34 > 0:09:35they did go unto the Holy Land,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and they did spread democracy from the skies.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- We have a bomb, bomb.- Bomb, yes. Democracy bombs, yes.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43And he's a really inspired man,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46going against so much public opinion to do something so great.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49How many killed? How many people killed in Iraq?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51He stood fast in the face of no evidence.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53How many people he killed in Iraq?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Stood fast in the face of no UN resolution.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Why he send his Royal Navy to kill the children in Iraq?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01To bring democracy.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03No democracy, here is democracy. Don't talk rubbish.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05He just went ahead and did God's work.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- There's a killing every day. - Where are you from?- I'm from Iraq.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Oh, you must be so grateful to Tony.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12That's why I'm not going back. I'm scared.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13If I go back, they'll kill me.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Oh, hello. Just come to deliver this stained glass window to Tony.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29So you're not fitting it or anything today, you're just delivering it?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32I mean, I could just stand out here and do it from... It's more about me
0:10:32 > 0:10:35getting up there to measure it against the...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Have you got a ladder or shall I...? - Have you got one?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Come in.- Oh, brilliant. OK, thanks.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Erm...
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Thanks very much.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- Oh, you need that? - It's just to measure it against
0:10:59 > 0:11:01the thing, really.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Yeah.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- It's a bit small, isn't it? - Yeah, it's too small.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Needs to go all the way around, yeah. We'll have to re-fit it.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I'll send someone round to re-measure it.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Thanks for the ladder, anyway. Thanks a lot. Great.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Thanks.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26How's it going? We're from the Foundation for the Glorification of Tony Blair.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29We're trying to speak to the cardinals in Rome
0:11:29 > 0:11:31to see if we can get him a sainthood.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35That's the plan.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Oh, really, what I need to do is kneel.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Our Tony, peacemaker, hallowed be his name.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45# We shall overcome. #
0:11:49 > 0:11:52After all that hard work getting the A-level results you need
0:11:52 > 0:11:55to go to university, the Government are going to slap you with a nine grand a year bill for studying there.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Before you start cursing Cameron and Clegg,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01have a think about the University of Wormwood Scrubs,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03where the Government won't charge you a penny.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05This marvellous institution has it all.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Excellent libraries, private study areas,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10plenty of peace and quiet
0:12:10 > 0:12:12and regular sporting activities.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14And it's absolutely free!
0:12:14 > 0:12:18No maintenance costs. No tuition fees.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Nothing. So, to guarantee your place,
0:12:20 > 0:12:24all you have to do is tackle our entrance exam.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26And it couldn't be simpler!
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Just smash open a Dixons or FootLocker, steal a few pairs
0:12:29 > 0:12:30of trainers and Bob's your uncle!
0:12:30 > 0:12:34You'll be hitting the University of Wormwood Scrubs in no time!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36And you won't need four A stars to get in.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Most prisons will take students with a couple of iPads,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42a digital camera and a flat-screen TV.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45So, relax this summer,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48don't stress about getting two Es and a D, sod Clearing.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Don't get ideas above your station,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54get taken down to your local police station!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00This is Dale Maily and today, in this special investigation,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I'm getting into the heart of the story of Occupy.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Hippies everywhere. Hippies running all over the street.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08We don't know what's happening. Violent running all over the place.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Look, I could just see this violent running everywhere.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13There's two lines. One of the boys in blue
0:13:13 > 0:13:15and another one of the hippies.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18The hippies are kettling them but they're kettling them right back.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19It's a huge kettle-off.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22There's kettling going on here and kettling going on there
0:13:22 > 0:13:25and suddenly I'm being pushed by the police into a big kettle.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Oh, they're kettling me! Oh, I've been kettled!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31There's running, the police running after the hippies.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34It could be the end of money as we know it. I'm embedded. Embedded.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Embedded with the hippies. Come on, hippy, let's go.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41I know you've never run before. OK, come on. Running with the hippies.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43When you're embedded with the hippies,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45is what you realise is they're actually human beings.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- They wear clothes and they eat food. Do you eat food?- I eat food.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50We're running with the hippies!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I've been embedded with the hippies for quite a while now
0:13:52 > 0:13:55and what I'm realising is that they sweat like humans.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59They're incredibly fast, fast animals, but they stink.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03In front of us, actually, there's a proto-pygmy-hippy with a sign.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Now, they were the early form of hippy gestated in the 1960s.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- Hi, hippy. How are you?- Sorry.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12OK, that one was a bit scared and shy.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14They move in herds, as you can see.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Hippy on a bike there.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- They live off disappointment and greed. How are you, madam?- Average.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Are you a man or a woman?- Yes.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23What are you doing here today?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26We're just sort of protesting against the current system.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Right, shouldn't you guys go back to Surrey or...?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30- How's it going here, peeps? - Fuck off!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33My name is Dale Maily.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- Hello, Dale!- I'm sorry, hippies, but today you lost.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Money won and it's time to go home and have a bath.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Do we all agree with that?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- CROWD:- No!
0:14:44 > 0:14:47This is Dale Maily getting inside the story.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Hi, mate. We're taking money from GBLYs today.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Which is what? - Greedy Bankers Like You.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- MAN LAUGHS - You cheeky bastard!
0:14:55 > 0:14:59It's a charity. We're just basically trying to get the money back that...
0:14:59 > 0:15:00- Yeah.- ..we bailed you out with.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- If I could sign you up for our courses in economics, so you don't fuck it up again?- What?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Could I say, "Give us back our fucking money, please?"
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- Would that still be...? - It's still...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Heard of taxpayers? It's for them.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- Would you like one of our leaflets, Greedy Bankers Say No? - No, thank you.- No? Oh.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Hi, mate. We're just raising money for a school around the corner.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20With a donation of £4,000 a month,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22we wouldn't even come close to saving it
0:15:22 > 0:15:24cos we bailed you bastards out instead.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- BBC.- OMG.- WTF.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32BBC WMG OMT.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I'm here with my most favouritest actor ever, Lenny Henry.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39You're my absolute favouritest.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- My most favouritest actor. You are lovely.- Nice to see you.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- You're my absolute most favourite. You are my favouritest.- Aww!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49You look fabulous tonight. What are you wearing?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- What are you wearing tonight? What are you wearing?- Tom Ford.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- You're looking absolutely dapper tonight.- Thanks, cheers.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57So, on a serious note, what would you do about the Irish bailout?
0:15:57 > 0:16:02- Ah.- On a serious note - Africa.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04What would you say about the NHS being privatised?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06INHALES SHARPLY
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Now, you've thrown me. I don't...I don't...
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Is that an exclusive?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17MUSIC: "The Debt Collector" by Blur
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Jubilee rubbish.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Cheap Jubilee tat. Buy your tat here.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Buy it today, throw it away tomorrow.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31Overpriced Jubilee tat, taking advantage of the celebrations to make some money. Overpriced tat?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Celebrate your grovelling servitude to the Queen.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Coronation corgi in a black bean sauce?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Sauteed swan?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Prince Harry DNA tests!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Don't say you got it from me
0:16:42 > 0:16:44but would you like a Prince Harry Nazi armband?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- They went like hotcakes. - I don't know.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Prince Andrew's new DVD -
0:16:48 > 0:16:50How To Buy Friends And Influence People. Teaches you
0:16:50 > 0:16:53how to cosy up to arms dealers and dictators all round the world.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- How about a Pippa Middleton social climbing stepladder?- Oh, yes.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- I'm now working class. Step one, middle class.- My God!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- Step three and I'm positively upper class.- My God!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Look at me looking down on you.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07How about a royal sick bag in case you feel nauseated
0:17:07 > 0:17:09at the cost of the Royal Family?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- How much is that? - I'll give you them free.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14That's for you, sir.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Oh, the tea towel is all the Queen's dictator friends.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Unelected but invited to her dinner parties.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- King of Bahrain, currently slaughtering his population.- Yeah?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Came round the other day.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28This is the King of Swaziland, he's banned all political parties.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30In 2010, the British public was treated
0:17:30 > 0:17:34to its first coalition government since the end of the Second World War.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party,
0:17:38 > 0:17:40who have pretty much most of the power,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42and that other party with Nick Clegg.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50In this series, we follow two of the coalition's
0:17:50 > 0:17:54lesser known MPs - Conservative James Twattington-Burbage
0:17:54 > 0:17:56and Liberal Democrat Barnaby Plankton -
0:17:56 > 0:18:01as we try to understand just how this relationship could possibly work.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Hello.- Hello.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Today, James and Barnaby
0:18:11 > 0:18:15are at the Liberal Democrats' party conference in Newcastle.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18For the first time in Liberal Democrat history,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21someone important is attending their conference.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Yeah, I'm at the Lib-Dem party conference.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- James.- Barnaby.- Barnaby. Hi.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- How are you?- Got a bit of a splitter, actually.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Bit of a headache?- Yeah. - That's a shame.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Shall we get a couple of pints or...?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Oh, well, it's only 11, but I was hoping perhaps we could
0:18:33 > 0:18:36talk about some policies first, some of the stands.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- I'd like to show you down here first.- Yep, sure.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Do you know where the VIP room is? - DELEGATE:- I'm sorry, I don't.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Vince. Hello.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Do you want to go and get a coffee together?
0:18:47 > 0:18:48I'm waiting for my special advisor.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Sure. Well, could you get me a coffee first?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54No, I would love to. I'm trying not to get committed to anything
0:18:54 > 0:18:56before the middle of the afternoon.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I think I'll just be milling in the middle,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00but if you could just get me a latte
0:19:00 > 0:19:02and then sit down, that'd be great.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Well, I...when I get some feedback from my people, I'll...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Great. But you'll get me a latte then?- Well, if I can find you.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09So you'll bring me a latte if you can find me?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- I'll try, yeah.- OK, great. All right, good boy, cheers.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Could I ask you a question? We're trying to work out how we can talk down to women
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- and still get their vote. What do you think...?- Talk down to women?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- As a Tory...- What James is trying to say is he's rather tall,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- so inevitably he'll be talking down to a lot of women. - Yes, cos I'm tall.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Without seeming as if you were talking down.- Exactly, yes.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36You know, he's outrageous but quite charming, actually.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40I'm just glad you've got a chap like Nick leading you,
0:19:40 > 0:19:41who does what he...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I wouldn't give him the time of day.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- I think we have to stop. - He's doing a great job.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49He's doing what needs to be done for the country, ridding us of our public services.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Yeah.- Which is... - Would you mind taking your rubbish somewhere else before I get rude?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56As an organisation, we represent sexual and gender minorities,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58including lesbian, gay, bi and trans.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I wanted to come over and chat to you,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03cos I thought I might have had some feelings for another man.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- Erm...- Problem is, he's a Tory.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Some things are acceptable and some go beyond the bounds.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- We couldn't have done it without you.- No, you couldn't.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12So thank you very much. Appreciate it.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- We'll probably be with Labour next time.- Well, I hope not.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Well, that's the way the figures are looking.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21It's not that uncomfortable, us being in bed together, is it?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24This summer's Olympic Games generated vast amounts
0:20:24 > 0:20:26of excitement in the UK.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Expected to come in at £11 billion,
0:20:29 > 0:20:30was it worth it?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32The Olympics Act protected the Olympics from companies
0:20:32 > 0:20:34associating themselves with the Games,
0:20:34 > 0:20:38something that would have helped taxpaying local businesses.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42The only water you could buy was sold by official sponsor Coca-Cola.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45In the spirit of the world's largest sporting event,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48a nation fighting obesity had one of the world's largest McDonald's
0:20:48 > 0:20:50installed in the heart of the Olympic Park.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53You couldn't even wear your own clothes
0:20:53 > 0:20:56if they were associated with any political expression.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- Can you take a photo of us?- Yeah. - Thanks, dude.- Thanks.- Thanks.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- Keep moving, please.- OK, done it. - Thanks, man. That's great.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07You're not allowed to take that T-shirt in, sir. I'm sorry.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11I didn't take the picture because you won't be allowed to take this T-shirt in.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Specifically when it comes to advertising
0:21:15 > 0:21:18or some sort of protests, we're not letting the T-shirts in.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20This isn't a protest. It's just a T-shirt.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Why is that damaging?- Because you've got the Olympic Games there,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25and it says, "Poisoning the Olympic Games."
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- Let's just get rid of this. - Would these be all right? - Would that be OK?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- How about that? - Would that be all right?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- You won't be able to come in with that as well, I'm afraid. - Why not?- Why not?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39For the same reason! And also, I won't let you take them in, either, so if you put it in your bag...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Oh, well, what about this one? - This is just true.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- That's not true.- That is true.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- That's not true. - That's totally true.- Bloody is!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Athletes don't eat McDonalds, bro. You need to take it easy.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51You're really just getting a bit intense. What about this?
0:21:51 > 0:21:52What about that?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Er, you can wear that in.- Really? - Why?- Oh, we can wear this?
0:21:55 > 0:21:56But why can we wear this?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I don't think that's anything to do with the Olympic Games.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Free Scotland, got it? - It's free speech.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04There's that. Can we come in with that?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05- What about that?- Free Mandela?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- Well, that's a bit of a stupid one. - Why?- Why?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Obviously!- He's free, is he not? - That's a matter of opinion.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Would you let us in with this one?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16No, I don't think I'd let that one in either.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Why's that? They're just words, that's just a word.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I don't understand, because this is just what you're saying.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Yeah.- I want to come in. - I love the Olympics.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- Show me your ticket.- Here.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- OK.- Come on, this is... We agree with you.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Have you just confiscated our tickets?- I think I just have.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Why've you confiscated them? - Just cos we've got cool T-shirts?
0:22:34 > 0:22:35- MAN LAUGHS - Yeah.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- So to confirm, you've confiscated them...- Yes.- ..cos we wore some T-shirts.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44No, I've confiscated your tickets because you've shown me intent of a bit of naughtiness, with respect.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Right.- "Intent for naughtiness!"
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- Is that in LOCOG's...?- I'm not sure that's LOCOG's manifesto.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- I think it is. It is. It definitely is.- Intent for naughtiness?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55There's nothing I like better than dressing up in T-shirts
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- and going to the hockey.- I don't understand it.- How annoying.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00This year, the British spy agency MI6
0:23:00 > 0:23:04came under investigation by the police after its agents
0:23:04 > 0:23:06were accused of rounding up Libyan rebels
0:23:06 > 0:23:08and sending them to Colonel Gaddafi's torture chambers.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Former Guantanamo Bay inmates have made many other allegations
0:23:11 > 0:23:15of UK complicity in torture and extraordinary rendition.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Rendition is the abduction and illegal transfer of a person
0:23:19 > 0:23:21from one country to another and, regardless of whether
0:23:21 > 0:23:24you're a milkman, a baker or a spy,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27rendition and torture are completely illegal under British law.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Eigen spugel, I'm Raffe van der Koont.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34R-R-R-Raffe van der Koont, and welcome to my new show,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Filth, on Double Fist TV.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Totally radical prolapse.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41There's a new sado-masochisto scene
0:23:41 > 0:23:43that's been getting hard for a while,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46so I decided to come to London to get down on it.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48G-GGGet down on it.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- Ralph Billington-Smythe...- Hi. - ..who's got a crazy new night called DWT.- Yeah.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Who's the creator and the originator of it.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Tonight in Vauxhall,
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- are you into facial slaps and holds and general humiliation?- I love it.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Are you into being humiliated?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Not when I'm having a cup of tea. - Oh, OK.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05So basically all the kind of crazy shit the Americans and British
0:24:05 > 0:24:08are doing to people in secret prisons all around the world, allegedly.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Yeah, I think legal under the UN convention on torture. - God, I love human rights.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12S-SSSexy.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Pretty fucked up stuff in Vauxhall tonight, DWT.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18What is the deal with this name, DWT?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Well, Raffe, it means "detained without trial".
0:24:20 > 0:24:22DWT. Tonight, Vauxhall.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Rad-Rad-Radical prolapse. I can't believe it.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I'm outside the fucking MI6.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32So how come you're here tonight?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Well, we've heard about all the things we're allowed
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- to ask for, like stress holds, slaps...- Ugh!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Waterboarding, confinement.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Who wants to get a bit of waterboarding? ALL: Yeah!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Do it now! I want to party!
0:24:44 > 0:24:45That's absolutely right. We do it to them,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48even though it's totally illegal under the human rights.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Why just the Muslims? Why not me?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52OK, we're going to go with Ralph.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Uh, u-u-u-uh, yeah.- Hi, hello.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Are you sure you booked this club?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I booked the club. I put down a deposit.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02If you let us in, I'll split the door takings.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- £400 in it for you. - I don't know what's going on.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07He looks like he's tripping but I'm starting to freak out.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11I mean, I just put two grams of MDMA up my asshole. Radical prolapse.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Hello. Can you let us in please?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- RECEPTIONIST:- No, piss off.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Let us in. Just come down, come down.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20- Why won't you let me into the club? RECEPTIONIST:- Go away, you idiot.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Why won't you let me into the nightclub?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25I've heard MI6 is the sexiest torturisty place around.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29POLICE SIREN
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Let's go, let's go talk to the police quickly.- OK.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- Oh, the police are coming this way. - I don't know what's going on.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Were you part of the hired entertainment?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38GIRLS: # We want torture... #
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Can we not give him a good spanking too?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- Trying to get in. Can you help me get in?- No.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- No, but honestly, can you help me get in?- No, I can't.- Come on, why not?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47BBBest torture club in town.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- Is that what you think? - Yeah, absolutely.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Is this a nightclub or what? - Not a nightclub, no.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Where's my producer? This is a joke, not even a nightclub.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56No, what you doing? Where you going?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Apparently, MI6 isn't even a nightclub,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00it's a place where people get thrown into cells
0:26:00 > 0:26:02with no really legal trials, but hey,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04that's the British legal system for you.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08This is Raffe van der Wig for - give it to me, radical prolapse,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Double Fist TV on my way to Amsterdam.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Yeeeeeeeah.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Dave. Yeah, boring. Yeah.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Oh, the card. Yeah, I'll give him the card.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25All right, yeah, OK. Cheers, chap.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Yeah, I've got it here.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30"Thank you from Dave and George, we couldn't do it without you."
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Yep. And inside it says,
0:26:32 > 0:26:37"Dear Lib Dems, thanks for everything you've done for the party.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39"We couldn't have done it without you."
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- HE LAUGHS - "Best, Dave and George." God, what boys, eh?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Danny, just wanted to say thank you.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Just to say we couldn't have done it without you.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49From the Conservative Party,
0:26:49 > 0:26:53thank you because the more votes you get, the less votes Ken gets.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- It's been a bloody good time. - OK, just going in...
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Sure, but we just wanted to say,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01"Dear Danny, thanks for everything, couldn't have done it without you."
0:27:01 > 0:27:04George and Dave wanted to say this coalition's been fantastic
0:27:04 > 0:27:06and you did a bloody good job while you were in there.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- CHRIS HUHNE LAUGHS - Right.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12- Just wanted to say thanks so much, couldn't have done it without you. - You're being slightly embarrassing.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Vince. Hello.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Just wanted to say thanks so much for everything you've done.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- Right.- We just wanted to give you a lovely card,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23say thank you and that we couldn't have done it without you.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24- Right.- It says, "Dear Vince,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27"thank you for everything that you've done for the party.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31- "We couldn't have done it without you. Best, from..."- Oh, right. - "..David and George."
0:27:31 > 0:27:32- VINCE CABLE LAUGHS - Oh, OK!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35MUSIC: "I Fought The Law" by The Clash
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# Breakin' rocks in the hot sun
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# I fought the law and the law won
0:27:40 > 0:27:44# I fought the law and the law won
0:27:44 > 0:27:48# I needed money cos I had none
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# I fought the law and the law won
0:27:50 > 0:27:54# I fought the law and the law won
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# I fought the law and the... #
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd