0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
0:00:10 > 0:00:15# Everything is under control
0:00:15 > 0:00:20# You've got to get down That's right
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Everything is under control
0:00:24 > 0:00:30# It's under control, ow!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35# Ooh, baby, under control. #
0:00:41 > 0:00:44This is product road test - Lynx effect.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58# Girls, girls, girls
0:00:58 > 0:01:01# Long legs and burgundy lips
0:01:01 > 0:01:04# Girls, girls, girls
0:01:04 > 0:01:08# Dancin' down on the Sunset Strip
0:01:08 > 0:01:10# Girls, girls, girls... #
0:01:10 > 0:01:15SHE GIGGLES # Red lips and fingertips... #
0:01:15 > 0:01:17LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:21< Bender!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24With over 430 million subscribers,
0:01:24 > 0:01:29Vodafone have total assets of just over £150 billion.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33In 2010, they settled an unpaid tax dispute by handing the taxman
0:01:33 > 0:01:36a cool £1.25 billion.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Whilst denied by Vodafone, it was widely reported
0:01:39 > 0:01:41in sections of the media that they in fact owed
0:01:41 > 0:01:44the much larger sum of £6 billion.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Vodafone, a British company,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47managed to legally avoid paying huge sums
0:01:47 > 0:01:51by having subsidiary companies in countries like Switzerland,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53where the tax threshold is far lower.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56The office in Bern, to where these enormous sums are diverted,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58is currently manned by a single employee.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And the Vodafone tax exile bug is spreading.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04McLaren's Vodafone-sponsored Formula 1 drivers,
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09avoid paying tax simply by living in tax havens.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12As a British resident, if you don't feel like paying your taxes,
0:02:12 > 0:02:13you are free to do so too...
0:02:13 > 0:02:14in prison.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Yeah, we've just got here. No, it's cool. I'm sure. It'll be fine.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Jolyan, Vodafone Swiss. How you doing?- I'm OK.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- Did you get the e-mail from Amanda? - No.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32Well, we're doing the F1 offshore promotion. Starting it in London.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35And so...do you want to check you got the e-mail from Amanda?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Just one in that window there.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41And then one in that window there, OK? Great. That's fantastic.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42If you can just get this sign up.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I'm confused as to why you don't know about it.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46That is also very interesting...
0:02:46 > 0:02:48We take that quite seriously in Switzerland.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50What have you put up on the sign?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52It's just the new branding, basically.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55"Vodafone - taking Britain for a ride."
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Don't know what the foggiest is going on. Fantastic.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Yeah, yeah, that's great.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Yeah. That looks great.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03"Keeping Britain in the red."
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Fantastic.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Yeah, offshore. Completely offshore.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Totally offshore.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Welcome to Inside The Story.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I'm Dale Maily, fearless hetero-journalist,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24who's not afraid to be unafraid.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I deliver fair, impartial news, as it happens,
0:03:27 > 0:03:31wherever it happens, telling you the right way to think.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Hello, I'm Dale Maily,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39and today, I'm in London for the most important day in the last 60 years.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Because today, we're here to celebrate
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Her Majesty The Queen, Elizabeth II, by the grace of God
0:03:44 > 0:03:47in Britain, Ireland, and the British dominions.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Queen bee on the sea, Defender of the faith.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- What's the best thing about being British?- The Queen.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- How good IS she?- Amazing!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Doesn't it make you proud to be British
0:03:56 > 0:03:59when you see the beautiful landscape of Pippa Middleton's bum?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- No offence, but it is a royal heirloom.- I wish I had one!- Me too!
0:04:03 > 0:04:07My fantastic pictures here of nation by nation
0:04:07 > 0:04:09who have fell under our reign.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Jamaica, Australia New Zealand, the Gambia,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15and plenty of other African ones, whose names I don't know.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17How grateful are you for the Queen
0:04:17 > 0:04:19and her ancestors for civilising you?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Is it good to know that the Queen is better than you?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Why would you do to get a ticket to the next royal wedding?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Would you drink a cup of dishwater? - Probably.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Well, the British Empire, eh? What a story!
0:04:33 > 0:04:37We gave the world cricket, we give the world civilisation,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39slavery, so much to be proud.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Definitely. I think everyone should be proud of it.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45If you had to chop off the head of one royal, who would it be and why?
0:04:45 > 0:04:46One royal?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Isn't it generous of the Queen to grant us a day off,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- to let us feel how she does every day?- I think it's brilliant.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Would you take a moment with me on camera to remember her?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Take a moment to remember her? What does that mean?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Just take a moment.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00MUSIC: "Land of Hope and Glory" by Elgar and Benson.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Coming up, the loony left-wing protesters
0:05:07 > 0:05:09want to abolish the monarchy.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11But they didn't count on Her Majesty's favourite
0:05:11 > 0:05:14shit-kicking journalist turning up. Me!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Is this about democracy, or is it about the fact
0:05:16 > 0:05:18that Prince William's shagging Kate Middleton, and you're not?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- HE LAUGHS - No, well, I'm, er...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24You're lost, aren't you? You don't know what to say.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26You've realised you're defying the word of God,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and you feel guilty, isn't that the case?
0:05:29 > 0:05:33No limits, no rules, and no Geneva Convention!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Let's shackle ourselves in for
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Guantanamo Bay Sports Day!
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Established under George W Bush to detain suspected terrorists,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44we've kept the baddies under lock and key
0:05:44 > 0:05:47in this Cuban hell-hole since 2002.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Today, we've got the guards, we've got the inmates,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53we've got those sexy cheerleaders.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56We've even got the good old-fashioned armed English police.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Those pistols, how cute!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02And today, we've brought the action to good, old London, England.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04We're outside the US Embassy,
0:06:04 > 0:06:08the only true bastion of freedom in this limey shithole.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Now the day's first degrading event, the human pyramid.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Inspired by our military personnel
0:06:13 > 0:06:17in our superior Iraqi detention centre in Abu Ghraib.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20HE CHUCKLES
0:06:20 > 0:06:23That is some Grade A human pyramid action there,
0:06:23 > 0:06:24in front of the US embassy!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27The inmates have scored a handful of points,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30and maybe they'll be allowed a phone call home to their wives.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Just kidding! We don't give a Ramadan!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37And, look! A special guest appearance in the crowd today
0:06:37 > 0:06:40from the famous hooded man with arms outstretched.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44He's really milking his newfound celebrity!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Rumours are that he's now dating Lindsay Lohan.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Why don't you stub out some cigarettes on some heads?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52And when the round is over,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54they're still all the best of friends.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56# One, two, one, two, three
0:06:56 > 0:06:58# USA, land of the free! #
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Wooo!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Hello, madam. Hello. Hello, sir.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07In 2010, the British public was treated
0:07:07 > 0:07:09to its first coalition government
0:07:09 > 0:07:12since the end of the Second World War.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative party,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17who have pretty much most of the power,
0:07:17 > 0:07:19and that other party, with Nick Clegg.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29In this series, we follow two of the coalition's lesser-known MPs,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Conservative, James Twattington-Berbidge,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33and Liberal Democrat, Barnaby Plankton,
0:07:33 > 0:07:38as we try to understand just how this relationship could possibly work.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Today is the London mayoral elections,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49and whilst the main contenders,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Boris Johnson, Ken Livingstone,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Brian Paddick, and Jenny Jones prepare themselves,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57James and Barnaby are out drumming up support
0:07:57 > 0:07:59for their party representatives.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- Hello. I was just wondering if you'd voted yet today?- Yes.- Oh, right.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05And could I ask how you voted?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Well, it's certainly nothing to do with that colour.- Oh, is it not?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- No, I can't stand you lot!- Right.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- Hello, er...- You must be a Tory, by the look of you?- I am, yes!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16You've fucked up the country.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Sorry, what? - You've FUCKED UP the country.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Just to let you know that Ed Miliband is gay.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- SHE GASPS - Oh, why are you saying that?!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Bankers, bastardy!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Oh, but, bankers, they're jolly good chaps, really!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32No, they're not! They're cunts.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Excuse me?- They're cunts.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39No job is worth £16 million of a bonus.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41You're not going to vote for Ken, I hope?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- No, I'm not going to vote for Ken. - Great. OK.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Cos I heard rumours that he's a drug addict...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Oh, don't say things like that!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- Have you voted? - I'm not going to vote Lib Dems.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- Not going to vote Lib Dems?- No, no.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54- Why not?- I just feel little bit...
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Let down?- Let down. - Right, well, sorry about that.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- What if we gave you 50 quid for your vote?- No, you'll never get it.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- £100?- No, nothing.- £200?- No.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Come on, £300?- No, no!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07If I told you that the Tories made us, they were really mean to us,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09and they said, if we didn't do what they said, they'd, er...
0:09:09 > 0:09:12That doesn't fill me with the greatest confidence.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14We did WANT to talk on behalf of the people...
0:09:14 > 0:09:17That's like saying, if the Tories wanted you to jump off a bridge...
0:09:17 > 0:09:18They did ask that, yes.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Um, is this your property, is it? - It is, indeed.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Could you possibly take some of this down?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- HE LAUGHS - I must get on with some work!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Why the blue door? You must be a swing voter!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- All right, well, thank you. - Bye-bye!- Bye.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33DOORS SLAM
0:09:34 > 0:09:37So, shocking as it may be to some of you viewers,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I've found disturbing evidence that suggests that
0:09:39 > 0:09:43a load of foreigners, gypsies, and antiroyalists
0:09:43 > 0:09:45have come down to the Queen's celebrations to demonstrate.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49So I'm going to go and tell those treasonous peasants what's what.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- Did you laugh when the Queen Mother died?- No.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53I bet you did! What were you doing?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Where were you when she died?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Were you responsible for her death? - I was at home.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59It's a well-known fact that if we got rid of the Queen,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01within a couple of years, we'd be a Communist state,
0:10:01 > 0:10:03led by anarchists like Ken Livingstone.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Is that what you really want?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- No, we would be a nice, free, democratic state.- Are you sure?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Like Ireland or Germany, for example, where...
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Look at the French. They're a bunch of arseholes. They got rid of the monarchy.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- You want us to be like the French? - Bit harsh.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- Which of this lot has been paid to go and assassinate her?- None!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Isn't the point, truly, that this bunch of anarchist hippies
0:10:21 > 0:10:24is just not really cricket?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Well, what's cricket or not is a matter of...- Cricket's a game!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- You don't even know what cricket is?! - You're using a metaphor.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- You're using a metaphor, so... - Am I? Am I?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- Oh, you don't even know what a metaphor is?!- A meta for what?
0:10:36 > 0:10:37What if YOU'RE a metaphor?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40You've just used a metaphor, and don't know what it means.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Do you want to ask the question again?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43What's a metaphor?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- A benefit cheat?- A benefit cheat lives in the area.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49What a bastard!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52We're letting everyone know. Trying to name and shame.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- What?- Yeah, his name is George Osborne.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58George Osborne says it's time to get tough on benefits scroungers,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01describing them as no different from muggers who rob you in the street.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05But people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Some MPs have two homes, one in London,
0:11:07 > 0:11:08and another in the area they represent,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11and it's the taxpayer who foots the bill
0:11:11 > 0:11:12for the MPs' second home.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16In 2003, George Osborne flipped his second-home status
0:11:16 > 0:11:19over to his farmhouse in Tatton, Cheshire,
0:11:19 > 0:11:20where he's an MP.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21But just before he did that,
0:11:21 > 0:11:22he remortgaged the property,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24which he already owned outright.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Multimillionaire, George, then had the taxpayer fork out
0:11:27 > 0:11:29for the interest repayments
0:11:29 > 0:11:31to the tune of about £100,000.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35But then, this is the same guy who once claimed £47 for two copies
0:11:35 > 0:11:37of the DVD of his own speech,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39on value for taxpayer's money.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42And I think the British people
0:11:42 > 0:11:44have a strong sense of what is fair.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47What we're going to do is put a plaque on his house, you see?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50It says George Osborne, Benefits Scrounger.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53And it's just to commemorate his services
0:11:53 > 0:11:54to benefit scrounging, really.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56George, if you needed £100,000 that badly,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58why didn't you ask us to write you a cheque?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Cos you're a multimillionaire, and we'd have told you to fuck off.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Those with the most need to pay more.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08There's a booing here, as the republicans
0:12:08 > 0:12:11have decided to go crazy and started chanting, devil-worshipping.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14They're saying, "Elect a head of state!"
0:12:14 > 0:12:15They're booing, as you can see over here,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17people who love the monarchy,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20good, British people, are totally terrified by this.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Would you like to get rid of the Queen?- Yes, I think...
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Is your mother ashamed of you?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Are you going to burn in hell for the things you're saying?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Do look like an anarchist?
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Yes.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33I can categorically assure you that the republic's official position
0:12:33 > 0:12:36is we do not wish to convert Buckingham Palace into a mosque.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38So, that's an official statement.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40They will NOT turn Buckingham Palace into a mosque.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Well, it's been quite an extraordinary day here in London.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45I've civilised the foreigners,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47taught the republicans a thing or two,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50and realised that being British
0:12:50 > 0:12:53is the most important thing in the entire world.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54This is Dale Maily,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56getting Inside The Story
0:12:56 > 0:12:58at the Queen's Diamond Jubilee.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Thanks, ma'am!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02MUSIC: "Land of Hope And Glory" by Elgar and Benson
0:13:04 > 0:13:07After the morning's door-to-door canvassing,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09James is now taking matters into his own hands
0:13:09 > 0:13:13to get more votes for Conservative mayoral candidate, Boris Johnson.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- What are you doing, James? - Er...nothing.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Pop-up polling station. - Pop-up polling station?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Yeah, we did a bit of a think-tank. We thought it was a good idea.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Is that approved, officially? - Well, sort of, yeah.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30If you just want to come this way. Put a cross there.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Then we'll get your vote off...
0:13:34 > 0:13:37tickety-boo, as it were.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- First, second... - Yeah, first is best.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44What's the difference between that and that?
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Well, that's for Boris,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47and that's for Boris as well.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48They're all for Boris!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51You could just do Boris second.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52This is only Boris.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- The only option's Boris.- Is it?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Have you made these ballot papers yourself?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- It just says, "Boris" on it. - Does it?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00James, there's not even LibDem on there!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03If you just fold it up so no-one can look. Secret ballot.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06You just put it in there. Thank you very much.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10That's great, thanks very much. That's fine. Yeah, OK.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Thanks a lot. Cheers.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14# Girls, girls, girls
0:14:16 > 0:14:19# Long legs and burgundy lips
0:14:19 > 0:14:22# Girls, girls, girls
0:14:22 > 0:14:25# Dancin' down on the Sunset Strip
0:14:25 > 0:14:28# Girls, girls, girls
0:14:29 > 0:14:32# Red lips, fingertips
0:14:32 > 0:14:36# Trick or treat, sweet to eat
0:14:36 > 0:14:40# On Halloween and New Year's Eve... #
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Sorry, I was just...just spraying some deodorant on.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54# Girls, girls, girls. #
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Ed Miliband will make a speech quite shortly actually,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04arguing that the challenge is to make Britain a fairer country
0:15:04 > 0:15:06when there is no money to spend.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10ACTUAL: My speech today is about values.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14To demonstrate once and for all that the Labour Party
0:15:14 > 0:15:18is a party for all times, not just the good times.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21A lot of people will hear me talk about values
0:15:21 > 0:15:25and say, "Welcome to the real world.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28"Values cost money, but right now
0:15:28 > 0:15:32"the Government just doesn't have money to spend."
0:15:32 > 0:15:36A lot of people say, "These are tough times.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39"It's easy to talk about fairness.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44"But how are you going to achieve it when there's less money around?"
0:15:45 > 0:15:49# USA, USA Cracking terror every day
0:15:49 > 0:15:51# Oooooohh! #
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Welcome back to Guantanamo Bay sports day,
0:15:53 > 0:15:57live from the American Embassy London.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58A quick warm-up game for the guards.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Who can throw the Universal Declaration Of Human Rights
0:16:01 > 0:16:02the furthest?
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Can you take me home, please? Can you give me a lift home, bro? Please.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07I'm from Bradford!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Next, it's the waterboarding event.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Lots of opportunities for the guards to score points here.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16No opportunities for the terrorists. Sounds unfair?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- Hey, so was 9/11, bitches! - PRISONER SCREAMS
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- We're good, we're good. We bond. - You did rape me once.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- That was only cos you were doing your job.- I was doing my job, man. That's what I have to do.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- That's what the government said. - How long until I can go home now?
0:16:31 > 0:16:3320, 30 years.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Let's see how tough
0:16:35 > 0:16:37these terrorists really are.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39If they can cope with sudden exposure to sunlight
0:16:39 > 0:16:43after years of sensory deprivation, they get a point each.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Hey, Muhammad, maybe you could borrow a burka
0:16:45 > 0:16:47from one of your wives!
0:16:47 > 0:16:51At the end of a remarkable day, America is victorious again.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53And we can sleep safe in the knowledge
0:16:53 > 0:16:56that the real winner today was freedom!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Do you think you'll get a trial?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00What, for the Olympics?
0:17:00 > 0:17:04I hope, I think on the back of today's performance, I think there's every possibility.
0:17:04 > 0:17:09While ballot boxes for the London mayoral election are being counted,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11James and Barnaby are in the media centre of City Hall,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13awaiting the results.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15We could get the result in the next half hour.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19You can make yourself in a moment here. Do you want to be on TV?
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- I don't know...- Watch this. This is what Daddy always used to do.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27See, now right now, this is live TV.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Right now.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Look at that screen. That's your face, Barney.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- That's your fucking face on live TV. See that?- That's brilliant.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- Gets yours out.- Right. - Look important.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42But just keep looking at this, look at it and go like this, "Ooh."
0:17:42 > 0:17:43- Just do that.- Ooh.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Just look at it together.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Now you're on TV. That's mad, isn't it?- Amazing.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Thank you very much indeed for being with us.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I want to grab a word with Jenny Jones, the Green candidate.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I caught you out of the corner of my eye.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57See that women? That's Jenny Jones. She's a lesbian.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00No, she's not, she's just a Green Party candidate.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Filthy, bloody filthy.- You know an awful lot.- Jenny, just wanted to say congratulations.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- How does it feel so far? - Well, I'm feeling third.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- That feels very, very good.- Well, congratulations.- Yes, thank you.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15- I'm all right, you all right? - Good, thanks. You?- Enjoying the evening?- Yeah, very much.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Whilst rain across the UK lead to flooding the summer,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23hosepipe bans were put into place by water companies.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27But no hosepipe ban can help the water industry in England and Wales,
0:18:27 > 0:18:32as they lose 3.36 billion litres of water per day in leaks.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34If all the pipes could be fixed,
0:18:34 > 0:18:38it would save enough water to supply 22.4 million people every day.
0:18:38 > 0:18:44Thames Water alone loses 664.6 million litres of water per day,
0:18:44 > 0:18:49whilst in 2011 made £600 million in operating profits.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Come on, hurry up.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Come on, you lot. Take that look off your face.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Just brought some kids in here. We saw the hosepipe ban.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03We're a bit concerned about the amount of water that's been lost.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06We caught these three using their water pistols.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10They were taking it from a hosepipe and we've been collecting water
0:19:10 > 0:19:12from all the leaks for the last couple of days.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16They're in flagrant disregard of the law and we want to know what you'll do with them.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- What am I going to do? - They were spraying each other up and down the High Street.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21With water pistols.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Today's water pistol user is tomorrow's hosepipe bandit.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Absolutely not! - What will you do with them?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Will you assure us that you'll impress upon them how serious
0:19:34 > 0:19:39a hosepipe ban is in this time of drought, when 665 million litres
0:19:39 > 0:19:41of water are already being lost by Thames Water?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44The last we need is kids having fun in the street with water pistols.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Everything she says, you listen to her.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50And if she beats you, you don't have access to lawyers.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:58ACTUAL: This is not a conventional economic crisis
0:19:58 > 0:20:02of the kind Britain has had to deal with in the recent past.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04This is a debt crisis.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Deficit reduction and growth, they are not alternatives.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13Delivering the first is absolutely vital in securing the second.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Now Britain cannot cut itself off
0:20:16 > 0:20:18from what happens elsewhere.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20As our biggest trading partner,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24the problems in the Eurozone are affecting Britain too.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Look across the country at Honda in Swindon,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Jaguar Land Rover in the West Midlands,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Toyota in Derby, Nissan in Sunderland.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Britain's car industry is growing.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38And it's not just our car industry that is strong.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Life sciences, pharmaceuticals, information technology,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43aerospace, the creative industries.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48Now I cannot predict how this crisis will end for others.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51And I cannot pretend that Britain will be immune
0:20:51 > 0:20:53from the consequences either.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Thank you very much for listening
0:20:54 > 0:20:58and I look forward to answering your questions. Thank you.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00APPLAUSE
0:21:08 > 0:21:12B-B-C O-M-G W-T-F?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13OMG, yeah?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- BBC OMG WTF, fam.- OK.- You feelin' it?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Yeah, why not?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- Usher. What's up, G?- What up, G?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25We're going to play a little game, OK? It's called Dos Or Don'ts.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- VIP rooms.- Do.- Do.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31You've got pretty fly hair, how long does it take you to style your hair?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- How long to style my hair? - Male grooming.- Don't.- Don't.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39- Do our hair? I'm two minutes. - Two minutes?- A little bit...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41But seriously,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44what would you do about the current crisis of austerity?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- The crisis of...? - What?!- One word for David Cameron.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- Why are we here?- Why are we here?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Why are we...? - Why are we here?- Summertime ball.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Oh, you mean here on the planet?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00On Earth?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02The meaning of life?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05What happens when we die?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10According to energy watchdog Ofgem,
0:22:10 > 0:22:15profit for dual-fuel customers rose 733% in 2011.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17In the meantime, hypothermia-related deaths
0:22:17 > 0:22:20and hospital admissions have almost doubled in the past five years.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22In the first half of 2011,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26the big six energy companies posted profits of around £3.5 billion,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29with some of them raising energy prices
0:22:29 > 0:22:32by up to three times over inflation.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35EDF alone pocketed record profits of £1.59 billion.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38While pensioners are struggling to keep warm,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41it would seem the energy companies have money to burn.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47# It's gonna take some time
0:22:52 > 0:22:55# To really make this work... #
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Oh, that's lovely. It's all right, Granny, don't worry.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Sorry about that, Granny. Do you want your blanket?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03That's fine, here's your blanket.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08You are defrosting after the winter. I know it was a cold winter.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12You can actually have tea AND heating, because we're not at home
0:23:12 > 0:23:15any more, we're in the EDF office and they've got loads of money.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Hello, sir. Oh, we're just storing our grannies here for the winter...
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- No, you're not.- They've just defrosted after the winter. They're still quite cold.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26This is my grandma. Would you like to meet her?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29We just thought we'd leave our grannies here until next winter.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30I should say thanks really,
0:23:30 > 0:23:34because my granny actually stuck her head in the oven last year.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38And you guys managed to turn the gas off just before, you know,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41she actually turned the heat on, so you saved her life.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45This is the guy who's making £168-a-second with his friends
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- in the energy companies. - Oh, that's nice!- Yeah.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53If you are, you're very welcome, but please take your shoes off.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- I don't know, Granny, they're all a bit mean here.- Yeah, they're mean.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Granny, he's touching me! - You mustn't touch him!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- No.- Tell him, Granny!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Shall we leave you here? - It is warmer than home.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Will you look after them? - She likes two sugars
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- and she does flamenco on Wednesdays. - Bye, darling.- Bye!- Bye.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Bye, Granny!- Bye!
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Prince Harry, welcome to BBC OMG WTF.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Look, huge respect on the strip billiards
0:24:25 > 0:24:28and the busty, nude-y hen fun. They were fit.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Is it true that the Queen's been Skyping you and egging you on?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Um, I haven't had a chance to speak to her on the actual trip.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I had a brief conversation with her, half-an-hour conversation
0:24:37 > 0:24:40before we came out and yeah, she wished me luck
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and I sort of explained where we were going
0:24:43 > 0:24:45and what we were doing, or what I thought we were doing,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48most of it was different to what the programme had.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51And yeah, then we had a great chat and she said, "Enjoy it,"
0:24:51 > 0:24:53and I said, "I hope I do you proud," and that was that.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56It was a typical grandmother to grandson thing,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- if you could see it like that. - No, I'm sure she is proud,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01but those photos, BBC OMG WTF!
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I'll tell you what, it's been an emotional trip.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Two ballot boxes went missing.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Amazing sorts of rumours have been going round
0:25:12 > 0:25:13that there may be a recount.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16We're waiting for one constituency, Brent and Harrow.
0:25:16 > 0:25:21- I didn't throw...- Listen, OK, you were in it up to your absolute ruddy neck, Barney.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I won't have you drag me into this voter fraud. I won't.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28- Er, James!- Shoo now, Barney.- What's that in your hand, James?- Nothing.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- Yes, it's a ballot box. - Oh, yes, so it is.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- And it's full of Labour votes. - Oh, look, a floating voter!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35JAMES CHUCKLES
0:25:35 > 0:25:38James, that's electoral fraud!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41And it's also definitely littering!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45If I knew something about that, do you think I should tell someone?
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- Yeah.- Right.- What do you know? - I don't know anything.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51If it did turn out that, whatever,
0:25:51 > 0:25:56someone had got a box and thrown it in Brent, they'd go to jail, right?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Yeah.- Right.- Almost certainly.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Listen, did you hear that they found that ballot box in Brent?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- Two ballot boxes.- Do you think that's some fraudulent thing?
0:26:05 > 0:26:09People in Birmingham who did vote rigging,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I think they got a couple of years.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Right.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- It's quite a while, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Dad, I fucking did it, all right? I fucking threw the box in Brent
0:26:19 > 0:26:21and I think they've fucking found it, Dad.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27That Barney, he's going to fucking lose it.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Voter fraud, voter fraud, voter fraud. What the fuck?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I can see him now, he's a fucking pussy!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35My shingles is coming back, I can feel it.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38The race to be Mayor of London...
0:26:38 > 0:26:41well, we've been saying it for hours, is expected to be announced shortly.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Boris, just wanted to say, from the boys, well done.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48PM Boris, number ten.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49The result is fairly imminent.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51APPLAUSE
0:26:51 > 0:26:54There you can see Boris Johnson,
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Ken Livingston taking his place.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I therefore declare Boris Johnson
0:26:58 > 0:27:00to be elected as the Mayor of London.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Boris! Winner, we've got a winner!
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Absolute winner!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Oh, yes!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Thank you very much, Mr Returning Officer.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- Don't worry, Barn, Daddy's sorted it.- Are you a bit shaken up?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Had a bit of a scare, yes.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29You're one of us now, Barn.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- One of us.- Yeah...
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- Do you mean it?- Yeah!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# Fire in the disco
0:27:36 > 0:27:40# Fire in the Taco Bell
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# Fire in the disco
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# Fire in the gates of hell
0:27:48 > 0:27:52# Don't you want to know how we keep starting fires?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- # It's my desire - It's my desire
0:27:54 > 0:27:56It's my desire
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# Don't you want to know how we keep starting fires?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# It's my desire... #
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd