0:00:10 > 0:00:15This programme contains some strong language
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# Get on up, you got to get down
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# That's right
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# Everything is under control
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# They got your souls
0:00:27 > 0:00:28# Under control
0:00:32 > 0:00:34# Your soul, baby
0:00:34 > 0:00:35# Under control. #
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- Stop being a tease!- Stop being such a dirty filthy tease!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Some people say we're scum for papping the paps.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Show me your tits!
0:00:48 > 0:00:52- If I didn't do it, someone else would.- Stop being a fucking flirt!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54It's not illegal, like, papping the paps.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57What would people prefer, that we were shooting pandas?
0:00:57 > 0:00:58- Mugging grannies?- Touching up kids?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Come here, you gorgeous little darlings, you!
0:01:00 > 0:01:04So we've had a tipoff, so we've actually come down
0:01:04 > 0:01:06to Big Pictures, which is Darryn Lyons's office.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Darryn owns Big Pictures,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11the biggest celebrity picture agency in the world.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14He's the kingpin of over 1,000 paps.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- Go, go, go!- Darryn!
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Darryn! Give us a decko!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- Darryn!- Come on, Darryn! Give me something beautiful.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- Darryn! Give me something nice! - Aw, lovely!- You absolute tease!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- Show us your six-pack! - Show us your six-pack, Darryn!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- Come on, get out your six-pack! - Oh, you sexy beast!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- Come on, one six-pack. - Up the skirt! Up the skirt!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Come on, Daz, give us the six-pack!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Very good, but I don't think I'd give you a job.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37- One job! Come on, Daz!- Just one more! Darryn!- Come on, Darryn!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Darryn, you dirty tease!
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- Daz! Daz!- Come on, Daz! Give us your titties!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Darryn!- Come on, Darryn! Give us a bit, Darryn!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Darryn, come on, mate!- Darryn!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- You...!- You tease!
0:01:50 > 0:01:54..but today, Rupert Murdoch accepted her resignation.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Former CEO of News International Rebekah Brooks headed for court.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00At her side, her husband Charlie Brooks.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03All are accused of trying to conceal material
0:02:03 > 0:02:04from Scotland Yard detectives
0:02:04 > 0:02:07involved in the phone-hacking enquiry.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09When informed of these charges last month,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11her husband spoke of a witchhunt.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14She dismissed it all as a waste of public money.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I cannot express my anger enough.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20The effect of which "which-which-which"
0:02:20 > 0:02:23will be to ratchet up the pressure on my wife,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26who I also believe is a subject of a witchhunt.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- We're in Chipping Norton.- Yeah.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Home of a known witch.- Yeah.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Her name is Rebekah Brooks.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37We're not actually proper witch hunters.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39We're community support witch hunters,
0:02:39 > 0:02:40so we're not allowed to burn her
0:02:40 > 0:02:42but we are allowed to drag her from her home
0:02:42 > 0:02:45and measure her against the weight of a duck.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Which is a shame, really,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49because Jacob's actually very good at burning.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I'm good at burning, yeah. I did a course in it - only a summer course,
0:02:52 > 0:02:53not the full three-year course.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- He's got real flair.- Hmm.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Oh, look! Salsa classes!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Hello, sir.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Just letting people know about a witch lives in the area.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- You sure you're not hiding something?- No.- You promise?- Yes.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11I just wondered if you given any tickets to any broomsticks recently?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15She has incredible powers.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18She's been able to make newspapers completely disappear.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21She's managed to bedevil David Cameron.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22- Yes.- So we've heard.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27She's a disciple from The One Who Must Not Be Named - Lord Murdoch.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29He's a bit like Voldemort, but more evil.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31We've got no actual evidence that she is a witch,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33but then again, we've got no evidence she's not a witch.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37If you ask yourself, why has The Sun conducted witchhunts
0:03:37 > 0:03:40against paedophiles, Muslims and gypsies,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42but never against actual witches?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Conspiracy theory?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Righty-o, then.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Witchmaster General Lord Leveson
0:03:48 > 0:03:51sent us to Chipping Norton to protect you. Do you feel in danger?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54I'm not mad, madam.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Flame-headed man.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Are you related to this witch?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- I think you might be in a lot of peril.- Need some protection?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I'm just going to draw a quick salt circle around you.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Do you weigh the same as a duck?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Ah, good question, Jacob.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11So as long as you stay within this circle,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13she won't be able to harm you.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I'm not sure if you've got any shopping to do this afternoon.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18So you should be absolutely fine if you just stay exactly there.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- Don't move.- All right?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Glad to have been of some help.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Welcome to Inside The Story!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I'm Dale Maily, fearless hetero journalist
0:04:30 > 0:04:33who's not afraid to be unafraid.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40telling you the right way to think!
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I'm down here at the boat race,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47where the cream of British society come down to quaff a Pimms or ten
0:04:47 > 0:04:51and shout "ra ra ra ra ra" at the boys in tight shorts
0:04:51 > 0:04:54as they sail by on their fantastic boats. My kind of fun.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58There aren't too many black people or Asians, and not a Muslim in sight
0:04:58 > 0:05:01So I've come to the boat race to celebrate how great
0:05:01 > 0:05:02the United Kingdom really is.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04What really defines us as a nation?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Um, for me, I think it's about our style.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- The countryside.- Parties.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12If the Argies wanted the Falklands back, what would you say?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15If someone wants to take the Falkland Islands...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- They can fuck off! - They're a fucking idiot!- Idiot!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19We fought for it and we should keep it, isn't that right?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I think we probably should, yes.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24The most important thing - to fight wars, win the country,
0:05:24 > 0:05:25make sure the Queen's on their money.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Absolutely, that's definitely the case.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31The most important thing is that we let the Argies take the Falklands
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- and then we kick the shit out of them...- Yeah.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- ..and take the Falklands back! - We'll take them back!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38So there it is.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Conclusive evidence that the United Kingdom is the best.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43But shockingly,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47this could be one of the last boat races in the United Kingdom
0:05:47 > 0:05:50because the United Kingdom may soon cease to exist.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52FLATLINE BEEP
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It's all because some of the Scotch
0:05:54 > 0:05:56want to have a referendum about independence.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Madness? Or is this Braveheart Part 2 - The Reckoning?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03If the Scottish want to go away,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05they should take their haggis and keep it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08How irrelevant would Scotland be if they became independent?
0:06:08 > 0:06:09BAGPIPES PLAY
0:06:09 > 0:06:12They're a country of only 5 million, a country of what? 5 million people?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Sorry, hang on a second. Shut up!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- Can you just hang on? I'm trying to do an interview.- No worries.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20What would you say to people who'd let Scotland leave Great Britain?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Well, I'd encourage them to carry on.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- In ten words, what would you say to them?- Devolving a useless asset.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27We do not actually have our own...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Culture, or anything like that?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31..money. So we'd have to set up our own currency.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33What would it be called? The Scottish Haggis?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- I think if you came to Scotland... - Which I would never do.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- ..with me and my friend... - I would never do that.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- You would actually find... - I'd just never do that.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43So, Scotland,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46you can either shove your smelly haggis bagpipes up your kilt,
0:06:46 > 0:06:47or you can listen to me.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I'm off to the boozer.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54STIRRING TV NEWS MUSIC
0:06:55 > 0:06:59# Hey, Boots!
0:06:59 > 0:07:02# Hey, Boots!
0:07:02 > 0:07:03# Hey, Boots... #
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Eye test? Free eye test.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- What does it say?- B-O-O-T-S-A-R-E...
0:07:08 > 0:07:09- Boots...- Are...
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Tax avoiding...
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Shits.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14"Shits."
0:07:17 > 0:07:19But while you're buying your cosmetics,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21they're getting made up
0:07:21 > 0:07:25to the tune of an estimated £100 million a year in tax avoidance.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27In 2010, the company moved their HQ
0:07:27 > 0:07:29to the town of Zug, Switzerland
0:07:29 > 0:07:33and is now pay as little as 3% tax.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37These boots were clearly made for walking - all the way to the bank.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41We're trying to raise people's awareness
0:07:41 > 0:07:44of the fact that Boots has moved to Switzerland.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Have you got ID? Have you signed in?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48No, did you not get the e-mail earlier today
0:07:48 > 0:07:51from the accountant of Zug? Sorry, what's your name?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- I'll show you to a manager. - Oh, yeah, OK.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55We're from the Swiss head office.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58We're just saying, if we said, "Zug - get the offshore look,"
0:07:58 > 0:08:00do think that would work?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02If it was branded a bit like Marc Jacobs, just "Zug".
0:08:02 > 0:08:03- Would that work?- Yes.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05We've gone offshore,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- so we only pay 3% tax. - Yeah. We're filling our boots.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09To lower our rate of tax...
0:08:09 > 0:08:11We're avoiding 100 million...
0:08:11 > 0:08:14..in tax every year, at your expense.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Would you like to try some of this? This reverses the signs of paying.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- If you'd like to take one of those...- Tax relief medicine?- Look.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Basically impenetrable to the taxman.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Our perfumes don't smell of nasty, horrible things
0:08:28 > 0:08:30like schools and hospitals.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32You won't smell any public services after that.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- That wasn't Rohypnol or anything? - No.- Well, it might have been.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38So what are we going to do?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40We're going to keep ripping you off, hopefully,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43and hopefully, none of you will notice, so if you take your medicine
0:08:43 > 0:08:45and be a good girl, everything will be all right.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Police officers entered Andy Coulson's home at lunchtime
0:08:48 > 0:08:51to remove his hard drive and other potential evidence.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53The Prime Minister in Number Ten
0:08:53 > 0:08:55had just given one of those press appearances
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Andy Coulson used to manage for him.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Instead of standing in his traditional place
0:09:00 > 0:09:02at the back of a hall watching David Cameron speak,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Andy Coulson was heading for a South London police station
0:09:06 > 0:09:08where he was arrested and questioned
0:09:08 > 0:09:10on suspicion of conspiracy to hack phones
0:09:10 > 0:09:12and on suspicion of bribing police officers.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Here.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Andy Coulson...
0:09:18 > 0:09:21That's his number.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Leave a message...
0:09:23 > 0:09:24On his answerphone.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30In the run-up to the 2010 election,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33the Liberal Democrats pledged to abolish tuition fees,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36cap bankers' bonuses, not increase the rate of VAT,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39put 3,000 extra police on the street
0:09:39 > 0:09:41and create 100,000 new jobs.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Ultimately, under the coalition government,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Nick Clegg seems to have created only one job -
0:09:46 > 0:09:48that of Deputy Prime Minister.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50With all those broken promises,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53the Lib Dems themselves may be facing the biggest cut of all.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00So, what have we got today, then?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I'm not sure, not sure.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Cowley Street.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07It says here, "Lib Dem HQ."
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I don't know, a couple of undelivered items, I think.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14"No VAT increase."
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- I've never seen that one before.- Yeah.
0:10:16 > 0:10:1827th April...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20"Scrap Trident."
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Oh, this one. What's that?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"End... End tuition fees"?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27That one looks a bit broken, Jol.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Oh, no, it was like that when we got it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32It looks broken but actually, it's exactly how they want it.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Oh, yeah. This one's 11th December 2010.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37This is quite a big one, Jol.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Oh, yeah, it looks big, but it's just full of hot air.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Another one. All right there.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Nice to meet you.- Nice to meet you, too, mate. How's it going?
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Just some, uh, undelivered promises, I think...
0:10:53 > 0:10:55we thought we'd bring back.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Oh, yeah, this one, yeah.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- That's a funny one, that one. I'm not sure...- When's that from?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02It's for an N Clegg.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04If you can just let him know they're here,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06just returning the undelivered promises.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08That one on child detention, I think...
0:11:08 > 0:11:10They've been hanging in the warehouse for ages.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- We needed to get them out.- Yeah.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16The "No tuition fees" was broken when we had it. It wasn't us.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Yeah, sorry about that. It was like that when we found it.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26We're going to have a community burning down the road.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29We'll be burning a couple of witches. It'll be jolly good fun.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Ever seen a witch burn at the stake? - No, I haven't.- It's bloody good.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Also, house and garage and old school hip-hop, if you're around.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36- It'll be banging.- Thanks very much.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39We're building a big pyre and we're going to put her on top.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Would you like to come and police it?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43There'll be Pimms and egg-and-spoon race.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I think she might be impervious to conventional forms of justice
0:11:46 > 0:11:49so we've decided to jump straight to the burning.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50INDISTINCT
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- When's that?- 4pm on the green, just down there.- Oh, right.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Yeah. If you'd like to come along, kids are welcome
0:11:56 > 0:11:58and it's going to be jolly good fun.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Then we're all going to get pissed and sink her body in the river.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Could I ask you, as the Mayor of Chipping Norton,
0:12:04 > 0:12:05would you like first beheading rights
0:12:05 > 0:12:08when we burn her down the green later on today?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- No, I think I'll...- Well, as Mayor,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12it's your right to stab her in the heart seven times first.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Thank you, Mr Prime Minister.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20I am very pleased to be back in the United Kingdom.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25I note that you have arranged for typical London weather
0:12:25 > 0:12:26these past two days,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29and I'm very grateful for that.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Since David took office last spring,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I believe we've now met or spoken
0:12:35 > 0:12:37at least two dozen times.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41We may be leaders from different political traditions
0:12:41 > 0:12:43but on a whole host of issues,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45we see eye to eye.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48The relationship between our two countries
0:12:48 > 0:12:53is one that's not just based on warm sentiment or common history,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55although those things exist.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57It's built on shared ideals
0:12:57 > 0:12:59and shared values.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01As David said, it is a special relationship
0:13:01 > 0:13:04and an essential relationship.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08If you're 16 years old and fancy a fun day out,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10come to the Army recruitment day.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13At this theme park for war, you'll have a great time paintballing...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Get him!
0:13:15 > 0:13:16..baking cakes
0:13:16 > 0:13:17and watching helicopters,
0:13:17 > 0:13:20which should take your mind off the dangers of actual conflict.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23We have kids queueing up all the time, we have kids coming back.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I mean, if the kids like Call Of Duty and games like that,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28they might as well come down here and give it a go.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30On there, they'll get it with a controller.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33However, here, you'll come through, move through
0:13:33 > 0:13:35and fire as you're going through.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Can they go over a car with a family in it?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Yeah, they'll be able to go over a small car.- Brilliant.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Having a go with the GPMG. They've absolutely loved it.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45The lucky ones will join in the fun for real
0:13:45 > 0:13:48as this theme park has none of the actual excitement
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- of a typical war zone. - Bash the shit out of him!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- Real bullets hurt more than paintballs.- Of course they do.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- We've got about, say, 4,000 people here today.- Yeah.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59We'd hope that at least 10% of those
0:13:59 > 0:14:01will come back to us and show an interest
0:14:01 > 0:14:03and then we'd take them forward into the process.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06If this is how fun war is, sign me up!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12In 2010, the British public was treated to
0:14:12 > 0:14:16its first coalition government since the end of the Second World War.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party
0:14:19 > 0:14:22who have pretty much most of the power
0:14:22 > 0:14:24and that other party with Nick Clegg.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28It can be a historic and seismic shift
0:14:28 > 0:14:30in our political landscape.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34In this series, we follow two of the Coalition's lesser-known MPs,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Conservative James Twattington Burbage,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38and Liberal Democrat Barnaby Plankton,
0:14:38 > 0:14:43as we try to understand how this relationship could possibly work.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54In this year's Budget, Chancellor George Osborne announced
0:14:54 > 0:14:57a £10 billion cut on welfare spending
0:14:57 > 0:14:59and continued cuts to child benefit.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Today, James and Barnaby are visiting a local estate
0:15:02 > 0:15:06to explain the options facing people on benefits
0:15:06 > 0:15:07in this time of austerity.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Hello. Do you have a moment?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Are you on benefits? None at all?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Housing benefit is very expensive.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18The more we can encourage people to live in this new, alternative
0:15:18 > 0:15:21eco-friendly solution, the better.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Do you like the idea of one of these?- No.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26What don't you like about it?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Especially in the cold weather.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29It's very warm.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31It's quite comfy to live in.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32You can get in quite easily.
0:15:32 > 0:15:37We're trying to divert this money to James and some of his friends.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40More support for the rich is what we're saying.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43If I go down here, you can see.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46It's a little like Japanese living. Have you been to Tokyo?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48They live over there like that all the time.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51We'll take away your home and you won't need housing benefit.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- How warm are you?- I'd say I was quite warm.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56You could potentially remortgage one of your children
0:15:56 > 0:15:58or we could repossess them.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Hmm.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Barney, just get up.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Get out.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07As you can see, I'm very comfortable.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Get up. Give him a hand.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Sorry, these Liberal Democrats - they're a bit mad.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17- You can always come outside whenever you want.- Like a roof terrace.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20The good thing is you can take your house with you when you're done
0:16:20 > 0:16:22and travel somewhere else.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Lots of leg room.- Yeah.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Welcome to If The Cap Fits,
0:16:28 > 0:16:32the game show that decides which immigrant can enter the UK
0:16:32 > 0:16:34and which can go back home.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37This week's special guest celebrity contestant
0:16:37 > 0:16:39is Tommy Robinson...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Whilst some have described them as
0:16:43 > 0:16:45a dangerous cocktail of football hooligans,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47far-right activists and pub racists,
0:16:47 > 0:16:51according to their website, the EDL are decent, patriotic people
0:16:51 > 0:16:55who are trying to make a positive change for the better.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Now it's time to find out if the cap fits!
0:16:59 > 0:17:04- We're going to bring out a selection of immigrants.- See who can go!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07First you have Alif, a Turkish footballer.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08He plays for Notts County.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15He's got a good accountant. This is Stefan.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20But he does work very hard.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21This is Ali. He's a florist.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24He earns £20,000 a year. Doesn't claim any benefits.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Bad fact, though. He is a bit fanatical about Islam.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30This is Fatima, a fashion designer from Iran.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37What size cap would you put on an immigrant like this?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39In the points system, a skilled immigrant,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42he's here to work, not to claim benefits or bleed off the system.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- No cap on footballers.- No.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Stefan, Polish builder. What size cap?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I think we need to end all immigration from Poland now.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Big cap?- Now. Stop it all. - Big cap?- Yeah.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Not that the Polish community haven't come here and...
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Would you have a larger cap on him than her?
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Coming from Iran?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Large cap on him.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05What would you have for the Islamic extremist? What size cap? Big? Small?
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Is he an Islamic extremist? On a plane, mate!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11So a really big cap? A cap like this?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- He'll be gone.- OK. Good.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Fatima? Pays a lot of tax but she does wear the burqa.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18That needs to be banned straight away.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22What if we got her to wear adverts for British companies on her burqa?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- No.- Still no?- No.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- A big cap...- Unless it's an English Defence League advert.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32- You'd let her stay if she had EDL all over the burqa?- Yeah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Would you be happy with caps like this on these immigrants?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I'd be happy if we put caps on all of them, yeah.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42- Should they be able to take them off at bedtime?- No, leave them on.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46In 2010, FIFA scored a spectacular own goal
0:18:46 > 0:18:49when they announced the 2022 World Cup was to be held in Qatar.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52The bid was surrounded by allegations of bribery,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55with whistleblowers claiming millions of pounds and even knighthoods
0:18:55 > 0:18:58had been on offer to hand the gulf state the event.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00FIFA deny this but that hasn't stopped them
0:19:00 > 0:19:02taking a good kicking.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Welcome to Qatar TV. Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13# Ohhhhhhh... #
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Football is the beautiful game of money.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Much money in the Premier League.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Much money for FIFA. We thank FIFA very much -
0:19:20 > 0:19:22we take 2022 World Cup!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Money!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Football is all about money. Football money. Money, money, money!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Special money!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- We take the World Cup for 2022. - Yeah.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36You would like to come this?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39No. No-one's going to go to Qatar, if I'm honest with you.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- Why not?- It'll be too hot.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44You can't play football in hot weather, can you?
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Camels.- I do not do it in camels. I do it in money.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50How has money ruined football?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53It's made countries like Qatar come from nowhere and...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55What do you say about my country?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- John Terry is the best.- John Terry is very bad man.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01If in Qatar he had nick another man wife,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- we would have to chop off his hands. - Fair enough. Still got his feet.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06INDISTINCT
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- You will come to the World Cup 2022? - Definitely.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13You're not allowed to bring your gay friends or women.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I'll leave that to you, mate.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Any last words, Rebekah?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- Didn't think so.- Witch!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I knew she would go head first!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31She landed on her head.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- You can see how her skirt has come up.- Totally normal.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36It's all part of the procedure.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Celebs and models clamour for tables at Robert De Niro's
0:20:40 > 0:20:42fashionable Nobu Fish Restaurant.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44There is certainly something fishy on the menu -
0:20:44 > 0:20:46the highly endangered blue fin tuna.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Despite protests, Nobu continues to serve up the dish,
0:20:49 > 0:20:53showing no sign of reeling in their actions just yet.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56# Well, I feel just like a child
0:20:57 > 0:21:00# I feel just like a child
0:21:01 > 0:21:04# Well, I feel just like a child... #
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Got it!
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Can you just remove this or ask for permission for that?
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Permission to lock it up?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14My friends have gone to fish for some.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16There's no more fish!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18There's no more blue fin.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Unfortunately, we've had to lock the place up.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23The blue fin is extinct almost. There's none left.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24My friends have gone to fish for some.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27HE LAUGHS
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- How can you put this? You're not allowed to put this.- I know.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31I know!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- You could do it this way.- I've just done it!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- You can't do this!- I've done it!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Guys, we're doing our best. We're trawling the bottom of the ocean
0:21:38 > 0:21:40as fast as we can.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43There's other tuna they can use. They don't need to use blue fin tuna.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46They still have beer but no blue fin tuna.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48You can have breadsticks and beer.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I'm going to try and find some blue fin for our friends at Nobu.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58# Yeah, I need you to help me tie my shoe... #
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I am Sam Fox and you're watching BBC W... what?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06How many letters...
0:22:06 > 0:22:07We're BBCOMG...
0:22:07 > 0:22:08..OMGWTF.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- BBCOMGWTF. - I beg your pardon?
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Get me out of here.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Being on TOWIE is an amazing experience
0:22:18 > 0:22:20but is it hard pretending to be you?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22No, I love being me.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- How hard is it pretending to be you? - Er...
0:22:24 > 0:22:26It's harder than it looks.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Is it hard pretending to be yourself on TV?- Exactly.- Do you practise?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31OMG! Bob is coming down the red carpet.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I can't believe it! I loved him in Big Brother.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Two seconds for the BBC? Two seconds?
0:22:36 > 0:22:41- Hello.- Hello. That is an exclusive for BBCOMFWTF.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- 'What's the person's first name?' - Chris.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48'His last name?'
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Grayling. He's an MP.
0:22:50 > 0:22:56He got the taxpayer to pay off the mortgages for his Pimlico home
0:22:56 > 0:22:57and his Ashtead home.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00'Thank you very much for that.'
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- 'We'll let the fraud team deal with that now.'- Chris Grayling.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06It's easy to find him. He'll be in Parliament most days.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09It's quite amazing hypocrisy that Mr Grayling
0:23:09 > 0:23:12thinks he can say that people on housing benefit
0:23:12 > 0:23:14who have spare rooms, it's a luxury they don't deserve,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18when he got the taxpayer to fund the redecoration of his house in London
0:23:18 > 0:23:20to the tune of £10,000.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24And he got us to pay off the mortgage for this home
0:23:24 > 0:23:27and his house in London.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34James and Barnaby have gone to chat to homeowners near the estate
0:23:34 > 0:23:36to explain what impact the budget cuts will have
0:23:36 > 0:23:38on the local area.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39- Hello, hello.- Hello.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43We have a policy in the Coalition where we're getting poor people
0:23:43 > 0:23:45to move out of areas they don't deserve to be in.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48A lot of people are going to lose their houses on housing benefit,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50which is a bloody good thing,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52especially if you own a house.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55You can't cut housing benefit... No, I don't.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Some of these people do need their benefit.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Where do you think they will go? - Somewhere else.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Maybe Hull.- That's a good place.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05We were wondering if you could sign a petition that says
0:24:05 > 0:24:09that your council tenants next door have been rowdy.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11No, I'm not going to sign that.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- Are you a council tenant? - I bought it.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- You bought the house?- Yeah.- That's very good. How did you do that?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21It's not their fault they're poor but you choose where you're poor.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22You can't be poor here any more.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- We just want to get the right sort of people in.- The right people.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Not so much the hip-hop people.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32More the classical music sort of people. You know what I mean?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33The upper people.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- Poor people.- Like me? - No.- Are you poor?
0:24:37 > 0:24:38At least you're white.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Oh, my God!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51With the kind of job he's done as President
0:24:51 > 0:24:53when the best feeling you had was the day you voted for him.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04'My promise is to help you and your family.'
0:25:05 > 0:25:07CHEERING
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Afternoon.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20How's it going?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Good. How are you?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I'm all right. I'm not in the best way, to be honest.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30I bought myself a convertible, one of these a little while ago.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35I had the top down and I just couldn't pick up any girls.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I was driving down Marylebone Road, a sunny day.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I put the top down and couldn't pick up any girls.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52That's part of the agreement? I want my money back.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Why do you buy one of these? To pick up girls.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Come on!
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- Nobody has said or complained.- So it's something wrong with me?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- No. I don't know.- You're saying there's something wrong with me?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- I'm just saying...- It's the car's fault. It's the car's fault.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Can I be honest with you?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I've got a really small penis.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24That was... I thought this was going to help me get women.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32James and Barnaby are attending George Osborne's
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Mansion House speech.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37After his budget U-turns on taxes for pasties, church improvements
0:26:37 > 0:26:39and charity donations,
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Barnaby has a present for the Chancellor
0:26:41 > 0:26:43to help him during these times of cuts
0:26:43 > 0:26:45and a double-dip recession.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47When you said you'd bring me to a party, I didn't believe you.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49This is the party of the year.
0:26:49 > 0:26:54The Chancellor, the Lord Mayor - it's really the place to be.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- What a room, eh?- Very grand. - What a room.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00BOTH TALK AT ONCE
0:27:00 > 0:27:02I'm going to give him a present.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Exactly.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09It's Mr Osborne, actually.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11George, a GCSE maths textbook, just in case you need it.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Double dip and all that.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I thought it might help him. He needs some help with the economy!
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- Why are you being such a twat? - I just gave him a textbook.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23What are you doing? That's so embarrassing!
0:27:23 > 0:27:24I'm just trying to help.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25A double-dip recession!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I'm really sorry.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Just trying to help.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30What is that about?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32That's ridiculous.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd