0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:10 > 0:00:15# Everything is under control
0:00:15 > 0:00:16# Get on up
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# Baby, you got to get down
0:00:19 > 0:00:24# That's right Everything is under control
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# I got your souls under control
0:00:32 > 0:00:36# Everything is under control. #
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Welcome to Life In The City.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47The animal kingdom is full of fearsome predators,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50but the most ruthless species, without a doubt,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52is that of the banker.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54And to examine their strange behaviour,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57I've come to their natural habitat, the city of London.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03These males right here, formed themselves into a circle
0:01:03 > 0:01:04to talk about profit.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Now, if I rub this money all over me,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09they won't notice I'm here because I'll smell just like them.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I have found a banker,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14an alpha male who holds what is called the company credit card.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17This man is literally at the top of the hierarchy.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I can't show I'm afraid, otherwise he will attack.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22It's more of a sort of middling level banker
0:01:22 > 0:01:24and here he is trying to pick up the female,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26perhaps talking about the size of his bonus.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I have actually spotted another silverback male
0:01:29 > 0:01:31and if I can just get close to him,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I might be able to listen in to what he is saying.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37And he's gone.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I can see the greed in their eyes already.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41They find it completely irresistible.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Yes! Ad he has taken the five pound note
0:01:45 > 0:01:48and is taking it back to his lair.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50It will go towards his next bottle of Bollinger
0:01:50 > 0:01:52or his next drop of caviar.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Welcome to Inside The Story.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I'm Dale Maily,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04fearless hetero journalist who is not afraid to be unafraid.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12telling you the right way to think.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Hello, I'm Dale Maily.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Welcome to Inside The Story.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I'm in the good bit of Ireland,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20the North, and it's here where the G8,
0:02:20 > 0:02:24the world's eight wealthiest countries, are meeting this year.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26As host, Great Britain holds the G8 presidency,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29but unfortunately, some lunatic left-wing anarchists
0:02:29 > 0:02:32think the G8 is a bunch of power-hungry capitalists
0:02:32 > 0:02:35out for themselves rather than the common people.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Time to put them straight.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39What are you really doing here,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42apart from just sitting around, playing music and waving flags?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44What's wrong with positive vibration?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Ridiculous.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47As you can see, they are trying to use
0:02:47 > 0:02:49their own hippy police cars to go through.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- SIREN WHOOPS - Can you turn your racket down, please?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- I'll tell you what, if I give you 50 quid, will you go home then?- No.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- 100 quid?- No.- 150 quid? - No, money...- 250 quid?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- Money is not an issue to you, huh? - No.- No, no?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03How do you buy sandwiches then?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Why are you wearing Angela Merkel's face on your face?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Because I want to take the piss out of Angela Merkel.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11But isn't the real case that 100 years ago,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Ireland became free of England and then they had to get a bailout
0:03:14 > 0:03:15and doesn't that really say,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"Just do the maths, don't leave the Empire?"
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Ireland is not yet free of England.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21There are six counties that are STILL under England's rule.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23You're bloody right and we're not going to
0:03:23 > 0:03:26let go of them any time soon. That was an exclusive.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Luckily for me, £50 million has been spent
0:03:28 > 0:03:30on policing these mung beans
0:03:30 > 0:03:34and to kick the balls in of any soap-dodger who steps out of line.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36How has it been going with your British counterparts?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- It seems fine. - Have they been bossing you around
0:03:39 > 0:03:40and telling you what to do
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- and calling you potato eaters, or not?- No.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Are you part of the British contingent
0:03:43 > 0:03:45or one of the potato eaters?
0:03:46 > 0:03:50When you do crush any of the hippies' skulls, do you get aroused?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I absolutely don't, but I was just wondering, do you?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55That corner's safe, that corner's safe.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Gentleman, how safe is this corner at the minute? Is it still safe?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01That corner's safe. That corner's safe.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Guys, how safe is this corner?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04The streets are safe
0:04:04 > 0:04:07but the river remains a vulnerable entry point into the city.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I've discovered a huge amount of dead policemen
0:04:09 > 0:04:12on the bank of the river, probably killed by hippies.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I'm not sure what's going on. It's chaos here!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16We'll find out what's going on! Are you OK?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Are you all right? What's going on? Are you all right?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Is everything OK? Are you all right?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23OK, everything seems fine.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25More tension coming up next.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27The rise of the faith school
0:04:27 > 0:04:29has been accompanied by a chorus of critics
0:04:29 > 0:04:31who feel that schools should not discriminate
0:04:31 > 0:04:32on the basis of religion.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35These critics claim that faith schools' ability to select pupils
0:04:35 > 0:04:38based on religious background allows them to shun poorer pupils
0:04:38 > 0:04:40in favour of their middle-class counterparts.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43With so many people singing from different song sheets,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46let's hope the Prince Of Darkness doesn't want a piece of the action.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- My name is Lucius.- My name is Damien.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57We're just trying to sign people up and gauge support really
0:04:57 > 0:04:59for a Satanic faith school around the corner.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Today we are just showing the prospectus,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04this lovely prospectus here, Lucifer's High School.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07You know there are Muslim schools and Jewish schools?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09We plan to be the first Satanic school in the area.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- Where is it based?- There is one right below you right now.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15That's the maths department.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20I used to be a TEFL teacher actually and it didn't really work out.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Have you actually ever seen a child casting black magic spells?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- It's beautiful. - No. I'm sure it is!
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Where would you suggest we go?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35We have a belief system,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37you know. We just want to be able to express that
0:05:37 > 0:05:38and indoctrinate kids with it.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40My daughters are witches.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- They deal with...- Really?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Do they have brothers?
0:05:44 > 0:05:45We accept brothers and sisters,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47it's just we usually have to kill a firstborn.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50We are trying to get 666 signatures
0:05:50 > 0:05:52so we can go to the Department of Education
0:05:52 > 0:05:55and say, "Hey, look, Satan is mainstream."
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- How old is your son? - He's eight.- Brilliant. By his age,
0:05:57 > 0:06:01we can teach them to read the Bible backwards, which is really useful.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Hi there.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12If you want to grab a seat in the waiting room,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I will let the office know that you're here.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Look at this lovely leather.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18We should really get some of this for the staff room.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20You're not in the diary, they are not expecting you.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Is it the colour of our skin? - Don't know, guys.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Hello.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29We have the right to open our school.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33We've had 666 people come in and say they want to join.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- That's not true.- It's a modern, progressive, Satanic school.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I'm not prejudiced against you at all...
0:06:38 > 0:06:41If you don't actually, you know, endorse this school,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43we will have to put a plague on your houses
0:06:43 > 0:06:45and the Devil will come...
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Either that or send a demon round to your house, it's your choice.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- It's something no-one wants... - We can be flexible.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- ..but that's something that must happen.- Want to read the prospectus?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Will you at least pray with us?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08HE GROANS AND MUMBLES
0:07:08 > 0:07:11HE SNARLS AND HISSES
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Sorry about this.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I'm Ewan Jeffries, Labour campaigner.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I'm travelling all over the country to meet the people.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24You know, I listen when they say they want change,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26when they say they want a Labour government.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30So in 2015, I'm going to run for parliament
0:07:30 > 0:07:32and this is my journey to Westminster.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35My name is Ewan Jeffries.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Man of the people. Labour's last hope.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41One of Labour's lasting legacies is the Iraq war.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43I know we've had a lot of stick for it,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45maybe we did get it slightly wrong,
0:07:45 > 0:07:49but I believe we can win the nation back if we say sorry.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51So today I've gone to meet Jack Straw
0:07:51 > 0:07:55who was Tony Blair's Foreign Secretary during the Iraq conflict.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- I'm the only remaining one at Blackburn Rovers.- Amazing.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I'm Ewan, by the way, lovely to meet you.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- Jack, could I get your signature, please?- Of course.- Fantastic.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Where do you want it? - Just right there.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09- Lovely, lovely. I think that's very big of you.- OK.- Fantastic.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12That's great. Yeah.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15So, "Dear people of Iraq, we are a very, very sorry.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17"Love from New Labour." That's fantastic, right?
0:08:17 > 0:08:21You said, "I'm very, very sorry," which I think is really important
0:08:21 > 0:08:24because that means that what we are really doing is building new bridges
0:08:24 > 0:08:28and hopefully not repeating the mistakes of the past
0:08:28 > 0:08:32and actually creating a newer Labour coalition to actually move forward.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Don't you think that's going to help?- I think that's very good.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Nothing can be less taxing than the simple act of online shopping.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Amazon, one of the largest online retailers,
0:08:41 > 0:08:45did £4 billion worth of business in this country in 2012,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47but its UK arms still managed to only pay
0:08:47 > 0:08:50around 2.4 million in corporation tax.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51This was possible because profits
0:08:51 > 0:08:54are passed through to the country's European operation base
0:08:54 > 0:08:56in low-tax Luxembourg,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58but with around 4,000 people employed
0:08:58 > 0:09:00in its 16-acre UK distribution centre,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02perhaps it should be redesignated
0:09:02 > 0:09:03as a Luxembourg territory.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Bonjour. Vous avez votre passeport?- Sorry?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Do you have your passport with you?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30You are entering the state of Luxembourg.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32What the British Government has decided to do
0:09:32 > 0:09:35is basically make all of this part of Luxembourg.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36You work for Amazon, right?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39OK, well, just bring your passport next time.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Bonjour or au revoir.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Sir, are you aware that you are now leaving Luxembourgish territory
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- and entering the UK?- Yes.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Did you leave your tax behind when you left?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51OK, because there is a higher rate over here.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Hello, madam.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I'm going to need to check your boot
0:09:56 > 0:09:58for any unpaid tax that might be in there.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59If I could just...
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Doesn't seem to be any unpaid tax in there at all actually.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03All right, madam, no problem.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08We want to make sure that anybody that comes in knows and has a visa.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Are you listening? Have you got your visa on you, mate?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Has he got his visa?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You can't just allow people through with no visas!
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Make sure they know that
0:10:17 > 0:10:22when they leave, that no excess tax can leave the Amazon area.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Welcome back to Inside The Story where I'm getting to
0:10:24 > 0:10:26the heart of the matter in Enniskillen
0:10:26 > 0:10:29where, despite the police's best efforts to protect every corner,
0:10:29 > 0:10:30a load of hippies and Irish pissheads
0:10:30 > 0:10:32are streaming through the streets.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34What is your problem with G8?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- They're idiots.- Are they all idiots?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38They are basically keeping us all employed
0:10:38 > 0:10:40and doing a bloody good job for our country.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Where are you from? CNN, or what?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45This is your missile, sir?
0:10:45 > 0:10:46No. Go away.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Not your missile and you don't intend to use it?
0:10:49 > 0:10:50I don't speak English.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I'm here showing support for my causes.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55And what are they exactly, being pissed and Irish?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57No, although that is good fun.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59There's a man just with his arse out.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01What are you doing here and why the jihadi mask?
0:11:01 > 0:11:02We're here for the craic!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04When will you release the dogs?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07When will you stop this rabble scum from coming towards the gate?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10As the yoghurt weavers continue to march towards the G8,
0:11:10 > 0:11:11the tension builds.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I'm hoping the police will crack some skulls any minute!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Hey!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Hey! Stop! Stop them!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Can you stop them, please?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24As you can see, huge police presence over here.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25One, two, three, four cars here.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27What will you do with these hippy scum?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Trap them against the wall and try to maim them?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Can we neuter them, get rid of them,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34ship them back to Ireland, or to the communist countries they are?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Not the good Ireland, I mean the bad Ireland.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Do you know like the bad Korea, the other one?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41It's a disgrace. £50 million worth of police
0:11:41 > 0:11:43and none of them can say a thing!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Loads of scum everywhere! It makes me sick!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47With the police not doing their jobs,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I decide to take matters into my own hands.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56People of Ireland, lefties, alcoholics, anarchists,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59behind you, eight of the most powerful people sit,
0:11:59 > 0:12:03discussing how to make multinational corporations richer
0:12:03 > 0:12:04and you scum poorer.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I've got one clear message for you all.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Go home, you have no place here.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Now let's just hear it for the G8.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16CROWD BOOS
0:12:16 > 0:12:21This is Dale Maily, getting Inside The Story.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25MUSIC: "Making Plans For Nigel" by XTC
0:12:29 > 0:12:31The question that increasingly
0:12:31 > 0:12:33everybody in this country is asking is
0:12:33 > 0:12:35what is going on?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Why is UKIP surging?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Well, I'll tell you.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40There is a wholesale rejection of
0:12:40 > 0:12:43the career political professional class
0:12:43 > 0:12:44in this country going on.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46We have had enough of them.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:49 > 0:12:53And they really do all look the same and sound the same
0:12:53 > 0:12:55and please don't just think
0:12:55 > 0:13:00that it's just tired Conservatives that are coming to UKIP.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02We are drawing our support from across the spectrum.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05People are turning out and voting for UKIP.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Yes, some of them, perhaps some of them
0:13:07 > 0:13:10do want to stick two fingers up to the establishment,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13which is pretty understandable, isn't it?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:16They say it's a man's world
0:13:16 > 0:13:19and nowhere is this truer than in the world of men-only clubs.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21In July, the British Golf Open was held at Muirfield,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24which requires more than a pair of golf balls to be a member.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Likewise, the Garrick Club in London,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28which claims to be a hangout for the great and good,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31only seems to count great and good as male.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33In this day and age, is it really gentlemanly to exclude
0:13:33 > 0:13:36half the population from becoming members of these clubs?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I'm Raffe ven der Koont and welcome to my show,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Filth, or Double Fist TV.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Today, I've come to the most exclusive boys' member club around
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- with my man-friend, wife. Say hello, Ralph.- Hi.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48So let's go find out what goes on inside.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49They don't allow women in
0:13:49 > 0:13:52because they struggle going 18 rounds sometimes.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55These boys have all done 18 holes and I've heard they are very, very tight.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56They are good with balls.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Hi there, I'm here to find out if...
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- It's a private club.- We're here to find out...- It's a private club.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04You're a sexy little boy, but I'm trying to find out
0:14:04 > 0:14:06if you've got 18 tight holes for me to explore,
0:14:06 > 0:14:07you sexy little radical prolapse.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Eeeee! TWANG!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Can I carry some balls around the course for you?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I don't mind holding other men's wood.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Go to the pro shop, they will let you do that.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18They would? Some of your members, I can carry their wood?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22We're in the centre of London where, apparently,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25there are some naughty little boys' clubs and it's not even Soho.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Radical prolapse! Eeee!
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Hi there, is this the all-male club? - Hi, sweeties.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- When does the bumming happen? - Is this not a normal gay club?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38They are so cheeky! Hello, darling. Is this one of those clubs
0:14:38 > 0:14:41where you can come if your wife just doesn't really understand you?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Yeah, I've got a girl on a leash round the corner.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Can she come in as a pet?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Bitch.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- Hi there. Is there anyone in the little boys' room?- 'Hello?'- Hi there.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I was just wondering if I could come in because
0:14:53 > 0:14:54I just put 8g of MDMA up my asshole
0:14:54 > 0:14:56and I really need someone to party.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Is that OK?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- Hi!- Hi there!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04We're here for the dungeon session.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Excuse me, could you tell me where the leather dungeon is, please?
0:15:07 > 0:15:08I booked it last Thursday.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12We've been asked to leave the little boys' club, but don't worry because
0:15:12 > 0:15:16Double Fist TV will always bring you the sexiest in gay club erotica.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Eeeee!
0:15:20 > 0:15:21We all need a place to bank,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24but everyone is sick to death of bankers.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Well, at the Co-op, we're different.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32We may have almost gone bankrupt,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34but at least the guy in charge
0:15:34 > 0:15:35wasn't even a banker.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39That doesn't mean you can't do a good deal.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Allegedly.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43# It's not about the money, money, money... #
0:15:43 > 0:15:46You don't want to be worried about your money and neither do we.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51# ..Just want to make the world dance Forget about the price tag... #
0:15:54 > 0:15:56You might think Sandhurst Military Training Academy
0:15:56 > 0:15:59is a Great British institution focused on discipline and honour,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02but then you probably didn't know that the British Government
0:16:02 > 0:16:05had spent £75,000 funding ten-month training courses
0:16:05 > 0:16:07at the Academy for security forces
0:16:07 > 0:16:10from Sudan and the Democratic Republic of Congo,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12regimes with what you might call
0:16:12 > 0:16:14a somewhat lax approach to human rights.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16So it seems like the perfect school
0:16:16 > 0:16:18to send tomorrow's new breed of tyrant.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Can I let you know about an amazing local academy
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- you might be interested in for her when she grows up?- OK.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Well, it's called Sandhurst Academy and it's the best of the best.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28The debating society, where we teach kids
0:16:28 > 0:16:30to listen to other people's points of view
0:16:30 > 0:16:33and then slit their throat if they disagree.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35We really focus on gymnastics.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Our pupils get to jump through hoops to avoid international law.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Great sporting facilities, really good at shot put.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43We actually use a live grenade with the shot put.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46We've got some great alumni including the Mayor of Qatar
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- and the King of Bahrain. - Mm-hm.- And James Blunt.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Is that something you would like to send your kids to,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- a school like that?- Yes.- Great!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Hi, mate. How's it going?
0:17:12 > 0:17:17Just down for the open day, which is tomorrow morning.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I was just putting up the bunting over there.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23All the dictators of the future are coming down tomorrow
0:17:23 > 0:17:25to get their training and stuff.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Make them feel welcome, they can come in and have some tea and cake.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Do the whole shot put with the grenade.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39In 2010, the British public was treated to its first
0:17:39 > 0:17:43coalition government since the end of the Second World War.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48who have pretty much most of the power,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50and that other party with Nick Clegg.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Three years into the coalition
0:17:57 > 0:18:00and we are following two of its lesser-known MPs,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Conservative James Twattington Burbage
0:18:02 > 0:18:04and Liberal Democrat Barnaby Plankton,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06as they begin to feel the strain
0:18:06 > 0:18:09of this political union's uncertain future.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- Hello.- Hello.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23The coalition government is in the process of dividing up the NHS,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26with Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt making certain sections of it
0:18:26 > 0:18:28open for tender to private companies.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Whilst critics have said this will mean putting profits before patients,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35James sees this as a great opportunity to make a quick buck
0:18:35 > 0:18:38and has even managed to rope in Barnaby.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43Barney, look at this. I've got myself a bloody ambulance!
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Daddy bought it off a pikey.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Hello, sir. You look very sick.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53What we are doing today is we are offering
0:18:53 > 0:18:58a cure for all of your problems. It's called private health service.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02What we are is we are 67% sexier than the old NHS
0:19:02 > 0:19:05and 37% more expensive. Does that sound interesting to you?
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Not really.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09You are looking a bit peaky. Just check her pulse.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11If that's something you are on board with,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13we could take credit card details.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14No speak English.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- OK, thank you very much. - We can cure that too.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I'm going to insure you against AIDS, cancer
0:19:20 > 0:19:22and being run over by a bike, OK?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25That'll be £79.99. Ready to pay?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- Let me just check...- No, no, I'm fine.- No, sir, it's...- Sweaty wrist.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- You work for the NHS? - Yes.- What do you do there?
0:19:33 > 0:19:34I'm a student midwife.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- How would you like to come and work for private company?- No, not really.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Delivering babies is what I do.- But you could deliver babies for profit.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It's not how much you get paid, is it, really?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45No, you're right, it's not how much you get paid,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47it's how much we make in the margin.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I can see you've got a fine business mind.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51You are suffering from working too hard, too hard.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- Let me give you a massage. - No, no, no, no.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57It's absolutely necessary. Listen, you just relax for two seconds.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Let me take your helmet. - No, I'm fine.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01As well as actually delivering the baby,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03it would be your responsibility to sell things to the mum,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05like rattles and stuff like that.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Just go far down towards the anus, but miss out the hairy bit.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11You would get a commission on each sale, obviously.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Each baby that you popped out successfully, you'd get 15%.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Oh, my God!
0:20:16 > 0:20:21- In you go. Shut him in.- And that is actually a legally binding contract.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23That's £250.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26It seems every time you turn on the tap,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29your bank account bursts its banks, but don't worry.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31While the public may be struggling to pay their bills,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34some of our best-known water companies are rolling in it.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Take Yorkshire Water who legitimately secured themselves
0:20:37 > 0:20:40a net tax credit of £46.2 million
0:20:40 > 0:20:44despite generating £990 million in profit over the last three years.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47During one of Yorkshire Water's many repairs,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49it might be worth installing a separate money pipe
0:20:49 > 0:20:51to take their profit straight to the bank.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57I've got the tax overflow pipe for Yorkshire Water.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I've got the golden pipe.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- What are you doing? - Delivering the golden overflow pipe.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08It's the cash overflow pipe.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- Is this the finance department? - It is.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15It's the new pipe for the profit flow, to divert it out.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17They said it was a stopcock problem.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21There are too many cocks upstairs stopping the flow.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Do you know anything about the gold pipe?
0:21:23 > 0:21:24I'm to install it
0:21:24 > 0:21:26to divert profit flow away from the taxation tank.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29They'd been taking the profit flow to the CEO for his bonus,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31but they don't want to do that any more. Thanks, man.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Has no-one mentioned the taxation tank problem,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35that I'm supposed to install this thing?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38First floor in that building? OK.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- We've a tax leak over there and we've got to install this.- OK.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Guys, I've been looking all round.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48You've got this problem with the cash flow.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I need to redirect it away from the taxation tank
0:21:50 > 0:21:54and no-one knows where I should put the golden pipe.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Is this the most senior finance department in Yorkshire Water?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00It's basically to reinstall the golden pipes
0:22:00 > 0:22:01to pump out as much tax...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09You'll want that because the previous pipe was too small.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11She is finance director, yeah?
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- Can you call her today to let her know it's there?- OK.- Great.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Thanks a lot. See you soon, I hope the pipe works!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I'm joined by the Liberal Democrat
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Do you concede that for
0:22:28 > 0:22:29average families,
0:22:29 > 0:22:30life has got harder
0:22:30 > 0:22:32since the coalition was elected?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35There is no doubt at all that families across this country
0:22:35 > 0:22:36are under financial pressure.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38People will be livid about this.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40They pay through the nose for energy bills
0:22:40 > 0:22:41and then find the companies they are paying
0:22:41 > 0:22:44are avoiding paying general taxation in this country.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I obviously can't comment on the tax affairs of any individual taxpayer,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50but people are rightly livid about companies and individuals
0:22:50 > 0:22:53avoiding paying the proper amount of tax.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56I'm livid. It is something that is not acceptable at any time.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Danny Alexander, thank you for joining us.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02High-street fashion outlets like Primark,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Mango and Benetton are always proud to announce their tumbling prices.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08They are less keen to publicise that a Bangladeshi factory
0:23:08 > 0:23:10where some of their garments were made
0:23:10 > 0:23:12recently collapsed, killing over 1,000 workers.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15The supply companies might have scrimped on basic health and safety
0:23:15 > 0:23:18in order to provide the Western chains with low-priced products.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21And while some of the retailers, including Primark,
0:23:21 > 0:23:24have set up compensatory funds and vowed to raise safety standards
0:23:24 > 0:23:26in supplier factories, did people really have to die
0:23:26 > 0:23:29in order to ensure working standards were improved?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07The vast majority of the Met's police funding
0:24:07 > 0:24:09comes from the public purse,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11but in a particularly arresting development,
0:24:11 > 0:24:12those bobbies on the beat
0:24:12 > 0:24:16have also received £22.7 million worth of corporate funding,
0:24:16 > 0:24:17including the £11.9 million
0:24:17 > 0:24:21donated by a city organisation representing credit card firms
0:24:21 > 0:24:24to set up a unit to look into credit card fraud.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27There are other goodies too, like exhibit A,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29the free shirts given to the police by Queens Park Rangers
0:24:29 > 0:24:33and exhibit B, the cars given to them by BMW and Land Rover.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Whilst there is no suggestion of any wrongdoing,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38a system which allows this kind of corporate sponsorship
0:24:38 > 0:24:41will always leave the police open to accusations of rent-a-cop policing.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Hello, officer. We're just trying to basically work out
0:24:48 > 0:24:49how we can donate to the fund.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- Which fund?- You know, the old... HE WHISTLES
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I like you. "What fund?" What fund!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59The fund that everybody whacked 22 mill in. You know that one?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Excuse me, officer?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I've got something I think you might want to see.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I don't know if it might interest you. Just wondering.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09It's a hell of a lot of cash.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12We wouldn't like to say exactly where it's from or anything.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14We'd like to give that as a donation from us to...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Not for any special preferential treatment,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18but just to be treated like any other criminal.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21We'll leave it here, lads. If that doesn't interest you,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24I'm sure your missus could do with one of these, no?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27A lovely bit of mink. Very fetching, don't you think?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Hello, officers.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Listen, we're just wondering where we could donate to the fund?
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- What fund?- We heard that 800 businesses donated 22 mill
0:25:36 > 0:25:40and we want to be the 801st. Do you know what I mean?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Shall we make ourselves a bit more transparent?
0:25:42 > 0:25:46What we're saying is we'd like to donate a little bit like this.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- That's the cash. - Something like that.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52If you like, we will just leave it here as a donation...
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Can I interest you in this Rolex? It's stolen.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00- No.- It's stolen and it could be yours.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Just thought I'd give you a nice bit of mink.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06What is wrong with these people?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Lib Dem policy...
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Earlier, James and Barnaby tried to make a quick buck by offering
0:26:22 > 0:26:25private healthcare to members of the public,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27but having failed to get any takers,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30James, who believes in the adage "sex sells",
0:26:30 > 0:26:34has a saucy policy suggestion for Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Jeremy, just wanted to say bloody well done.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Thank you very much indeed.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- Did you have a good time? - I had a very good time.- Good.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43We just wanted to give you this to say, you know,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45maybe you could get this to sex up the NHS.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Two things really do it for me - privatising public services
0:26:48 > 0:26:52and giving nurses sexy outfits. Thanks, Jezza.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Lovely to see you, chap. Send my best to Dave.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57OK, see you soon.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd