0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46In 2010, the British public was treated to its first coalition
0:00:46 > 0:00:49government since the end of the Second World War.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54who have pretty much most of the power,
0:00:54 > 0:00:55and that other party with Nick Clegg.
0:00:55 > 0:01:01It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Three years into the coalition, and we're following two of its
0:01:04 > 0:01:07lesser-known MPs, Conservative James Twattington-Burbage
0:01:07 > 0:01:09and Liberal Democrat Barnaby Plankton
0:01:09 > 0:01:15as they begin to feel the strain of this political union's uncertain future.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- Hello.- Hello.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27In 2014, a referendum is to be held on whether or not Scotland
0:01:27 > 0:01:29is to become an independent state.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32The Coalition believe that unity is a better option,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36stating Scotland is economically stronger as part of the UK.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Today, James and Barnaby have gone north of the border
0:01:39 > 0:01:42to see if they can convince the locals to stick with England.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46We're here from Westminster to talk to people about Scottish independence.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Definitely gonna vote yes.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Do you consider yourself part of the Tartan Army?- No.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Scotland right now is a very important part of a post-colonial
0:01:53 > 0:01:57empire and what you don't want to do is fade off into insignificance.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- No.- And become a sort of small bit on the end of a better country.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03We're one of the few countries the Romans couldn't conquer. They've done a good job with you guys.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04- Yeah.- I'm for it.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07If it came to a fight between you guys and the SAS, I think
0:02:07 > 0:02:09the British would probably kick the shit of you.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Sometimes as a Lib Dem, I understand what it's like to play second fiddle,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15but just the way it is sometimes and you have to lump it or leave it.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18We do want to keep all of you in the Union,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21because you guys really understand fiscal austerity,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23especially when it comes to getting a bloody round in.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- I'm definitely split down the middle.- And why's that, sir?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- The information isn't really there, man.- Do you know how to read?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32If you actually leave Britain, you're just gonna become
0:02:32 > 0:02:34the new Mexico and you're gonna be flooding over the border
0:02:34 > 0:02:37to work in my garden, is that what you really want?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I just think that England needs Scotland more than Scotland
0:02:40 > 0:02:41needs England. I don't know.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44If you do stay as part of Britain, you're very welcome to come down
0:02:44 > 0:02:47to England and sleep on doorways any time you like.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49If it doesn't work and we get sick of it,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52what we'll do is just bloody invade you and then independence
0:02:52 > 0:02:55will be as worthless as a fucking Scottish tenner.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58If you're looking for a gay-friendly holiday destination,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01you might want to take Russia off the list.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Their parliament recently passed a bill banning so-called
0:03:03 > 0:03:06homosexual propaganda and campaigners have said this
0:03:06 > 0:03:08has sparked a wave of homophobic attacks.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Meanwhile, Russia's president Vladimir Putin seems to be doing
0:03:11 > 0:03:13all he can to become a new gay icon.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17MUSIC: "Children Of The Revolution" by T-Rex
0:03:23 > 0:03:25So... got the painting.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31I mean, there's another one of Putin wrestling a bear,
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Putin...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Have to hang it in the hallway, apparently.- Yeah?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I mean, I'm supposed to deliver it and hang it up.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I was told to deliver it and hang it up in the lobby or,
0:03:48 > 0:03:49or in the closet maybe.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56The Home Office campaign, a pilot lasting one week,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59was launched last month in six London boroughs
0:03:59 > 0:04:02with large ethnic populations.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05"In the UK illegally?" the van said.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06"Go home or face arrest."
0:04:30 > 0:04:34MUSIC: "One Vision" by Queen
0:05:02 > 0:05:04One rule.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05One speech.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09One nation.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12One dream.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13One deal.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16One comprehensive school education.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22One smile, one stage, one immigration.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23One size, one state.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Our elderly population.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28One nation. One nation. One nation.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30One nation, one nation!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I didn't hear you. One nation. One nation.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34One nation!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36No cuts.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38No casino operation.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40No NHS top-down reorganisation.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44One life.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46One nation.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48In a new gold standard qualification.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53One change, one pay. One determination.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57One care. One day. One corporation.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01And look, let me say to you, I want to be quite clear about this.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03But I've just got to be very clear about this.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05One faith. One time. One faith.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07One change, one place, one pledge, one life.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10We will, we will build two nations, not one.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14APPLAUSE
0:06:18 > 0:06:23Welcome to BBCOMGWTF and I'm in Venice for the film festival.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26We are here for the world premiere of Gravity,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28George Clooney's new movie.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41George - Zam Smith, BBCOMGWTF, can I just say your hair
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- is amazing, really.- Thank you.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Just thinking, though, when you were making the film,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49were you just ever thinking, are we alone in the universe?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51HE LAUGHS No.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56So you weren't in space being like, "It's huge out there and there just might be something"?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I would love to see the light in your box.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Oh, really? Oh, dear.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08I'm truly sorry we have to finish here, everyone. Thank you for having us.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Well, that was just a bit awks, wasn't it?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Turns out Clooney's just a bit of a bitch and that's an exclusive!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Some of us are better at quizzes than others.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21But if the wrong answers meant you couldn't stay in the country
0:07:21 > 0:07:23you'd make sure you'd done your homework.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26the new life in the UK test, which foreign nationals must now pass
0:07:26 > 0:07:28if they want British citizenship,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31focuses less on the practicalities of day-to-day living
0:07:31 > 0:07:34and more on Admiral Nelson and other historical and cultural figures.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Subjects all native British people know to the answers to.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42We're establishing people's Britishness today.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44There's been some problems with illegals in the area.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Well, do I look illegal? - Well, we don't know that, madam.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Would you describe yourself as white British?
0:07:50 > 0:07:51No, black British.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Who is the patron saint of Scotland?
0:07:54 > 0:07:55I don't know.
0:07:55 > 0:08:01Which landmark is the prehistoric monument which still stands in the English countryside of Wiltshire?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I've never been to Wiltshire.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- The bad news is that you've failed the test.- Yeah, I know.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09And the good news is you've won two free tickets back to Iran.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12You haven't scored above the 75 percent pass rate,
0:08:12 > 0:08:13so you have actually failed.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I don't think every British person knows about who the monarch can marry.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19That is exactly what every British person should know.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20That is a hoot and that is a lie.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- You're not actually British in the eyes of the law.- That's not right.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I was born in this country, I've got a British passport.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27You've failed.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- How do you feel about that? - Couldn't care a toss.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33The government knows shit. They don't know what the common man wants.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Government doesn't know what I want. Haven't got a bloody clue.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39This has been through four government departments,
0:08:39 > 0:08:4174,000 special advisers.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44That really worries me, that does.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Well, I'm happy to inform you, sir, that you are actually British.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52- Huh?- You must like tea, beer, chips and beating people up, is that right?
0:08:52 > 0:08:53- Yes.- Right, there you go.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Fashion designers Dolce & Gabbana narrowly escaped jail recently
0:09:10 > 0:09:13when their massive tax evasion was brought to light.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16They claimed to have done nothing wrong, but a judge ruled that
0:09:16 > 0:09:19they'd sold their brands to a Luxembourg-based holding company
0:09:19 > 0:09:23in 2004 to avoid paying tax on around 1 billion euros' worth of income.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Who knew this kind of penny-pinching was so fashionable right now?
0:09:26 > 0:09:30MUSIC: "Controversy" by Prince
0:09:32 > 0:09:36What we'd like to do is actually put it in the window initially
0:09:36 > 0:09:38and just get some shots.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41And we want to get your opinion of the sort of styling, you know.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Do you think avoid is better than avoidance?
0:09:43 > 0:09:47It's not just gonna be sort of autumn, winter next year, it's spring summer.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Avoidance is for all year round.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- But evasion is last season. - Yeah, exactly.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53In fact, next season we're thinking of going for incarceration.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05It's Saturday night, I'm Wayne Danger. I'm in Romford.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I'm gonna talk to people about booze.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I love booze and I love cheap booze even more.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Lucky me, it's gonna stay that way,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15despite the fact that experts claim the cost of alcohol to the NHS
0:10:15 > 0:10:17exceeds £3 billion per year,
0:10:17 > 0:10:21the geezers in Westminster have decided to ignore doctors completely,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24who say that there should be a minimum pricing on a unit of alcohol.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26What absolute fucking legends!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Hey!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Who's had shots tonight?- Hey!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Who's had pints tonight?- Hey!
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Whey, TV!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Who's had a pint?- Me.- Yeah!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Two bottles of wine.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Four Jagerbombs.- How many?- 107!
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I've had about four and you're gonna suck my fucking bum cheeks.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50What do you say to politicians that say we can't drink responsibly?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52INCOMPREHENSIBLE
0:10:52 > 0:10:54You know what I mean!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58INCOMPREHENSIBLE
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Drink till we die, drink till we die.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Is the best thing about getting pissed that you can bang whoever
0:11:04 > 0:11:06you want and you don't really remember the next day?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- Yeah, whether it's a bloke or a woman.- Yeah.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10He looks like a woman to me at the minute.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14La la.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- So what you doing?- Fucking home.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22What you gonna fucking do when you go fucking home?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Have a wank.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27If you want a seat in the House of Lords as well as contributing
0:11:27 > 0:11:31to public service, business or even sport and actively supporting
0:11:31 > 0:11:35your political party, it certainly doesn't appear to do you any harm
0:11:35 > 0:11:37to have donated money to them too.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40All three main parties have recently made some of their major donors
0:11:40 > 0:11:46Lords, including Sir Anthony Bamford who's donated hundreds of thousands of pounds to the Conservative Party.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Sir William Haughey who's given more than £1 million to the Labour Party
0:11:50 > 0:11:58since 2003, and Rumi Verjee, who has donated £770,000 to the Liberal Democrats since 2010.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- Donation box.- Who's that going to?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11The Labour Party. Apparently.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Sorry?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Well, it's part of their 1999 pay as you go peerages scheme.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18So they don't want to put peer pressure on people,
0:12:18 > 0:12:19they want to leave it here.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22It's part of the pay as you go peerages scheme, you know.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24No peer pressure or anything.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27It's not a guaranteed thing, but if you do donate,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I can potentially maybe suggest that one day
0:12:30 > 0:12:32you might be able to be a peer.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Can't guarantee you a lordship,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37but fingers crossed, you might be a Lord one day.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Got the donation box for the Lib Dem HQ.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45'Second floor.'
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Hi, guys, do you know where I'm supposed to put the donation box?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Part of the peering into your wallet scheme that they're doing.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58You can pop it, you can pop it in this corner here.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01It's for people who can't afford a sort of retirement home
0:13:01 > 0:13:04for their grandparents so instead they can donate 50 grand
0:13:04 > 0:13:07and then stick them on the back bench and they can fall asleep, you know.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10So they've just asked us to leave it here in reception.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Apparently it's then easier for peers to come in
0:13:13 > 0:13:16and leave money in there if they want to get a peerage later on.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Our economy may be turning the corner and of course
0:13:29 > 0:13:33that's great, but we still haven't finished paying
0:13:33 > 0:13:35for Labour's debt crisis.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39I want to thank the people who've done the most to get us this far.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44You, the British people - working those extra hours,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47coping with those necessary cuts.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51We in this party, we don't dream of deficits and decimal points
0:13:51 > 0:13:55and dry fiscal plans, our dreams are about helping people
0:13:55 > 0:13:57to get on in life.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00You know that old saying, "your home is your castle"?
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Well, for most young people today, their home is their landlord's.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07We are in a global race today.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09No-one owes us a living.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12When the world wanted rights, who wrote Magna Carta?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15When they wanted representation, who built the first Parliament?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19When they searched for equality, who gave women the vote?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21It is this party that is for the many, not the few.
0:14:21 > 0:14:27Yes, the land of despair was Labour, but the land of hope is Tory.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30APPLAUSE
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Got this for Tory HQ.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Part of the whole Lordship donation thing.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I mean, obviously we can't be seen to give them peerages
0:14:48 > 0:14:49for the donation box.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52They're just for Lords that might want to put some cash in.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55If they want to do it anonymously, they can just go like this.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56- Shall I leave it here? - That's perfect.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- OK, next to the shredding machine. - Absolutely.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- That's useful, isn't it? - That's lovely.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08Been a troll hunter for, well, three or four millennia.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- Have you heard about the troll problem?- No.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14A lot of people are using Twitter and getting trolled the shit out of.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Trolls used to be big, huge, scary things, but now they're just
0:15:16 > 0:15:20angry bloggers abusing each other on Facebook, YouTube and Twitter.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Do you spend a lot of time under bridges or in small caves?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Cos you do look like a troll.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28No, no, no, no, I just woke up mate, I just woke up,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30this is what I look like...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33And why's that? Have you woke up because you're living under a bridge?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34I got my own house, mate.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Do you live in a cave or in a bedsit in Preston?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Have you ever harboured any thoughts about telling
0:15:40 > 0:15:42a disabled child to fuck off?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- I don't Tweet. - I'm gonna follow her.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Yeah, you follow her.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48If you follow a troll they will be able to DM you
0:15:48 > 0:15:52and by DM you I mean go inside and direct message the shit out of you.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53It's not your fault, OK,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56this is just a routine troll inspection, all right?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- There's nothing to be scared of. - I'm not scared.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Don't be scared. - Why should I be scared?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03We find a lot of trolls leaving abuse on Twitter,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- but Twitter don't have the manpower to catch them all. - That's where we come in.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08We were supposed to come for our interview.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Problem was, you guys weren't able to deal with your troll problem properly.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15It was gonna be that maybe Stephen Fry or Caitlin Moran was going to
0:16:15 > 0:16:18start looking at every Tweet, but we recommended that it might be
0:16:18 > 0:16:22a good idea just to look at middle class boys in Preston.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24You know, we're just independent troll hunters
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- and I don't really see what the big deal is.- I understand.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- But these are my clients and I have to respect their wishes so if you could just...- Yeah.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- What's the deal?- They're saying the perks are pretty good in parking.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34I'm thinking of switching roles.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54The BBC has gained a reputation recently for hiring some
0:16:54 > 0:16:58rather unsavoury characters, most notoriously Jimmy Savile
0:16:58 > 0:17:02and Stewart Hall and a few others have come under investigation too.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03With a track record this bad,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05it kinda makes you wonder what their vetting process is.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Prince Harry, if he was a...
0:17:36 > 0:17:40he was a character in a movie, he would be like...
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Iron Man. You know.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51So, you know, here's a dude, he's in Iron Man...
0:17:51 > 0:17:56he's, he's a party guy, he's a technology guy,
0:17:56 > 0:18:00he comes from royalty, but he's a real person.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05So that, the similarities between Iron Man and Prince Harry are... are similar.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16England are playing Scotland at football,
0:18:16 > 0:18:20so James and Barnaby are heading to Wembley where they hope to win over some of the opposition fans
0:18:20 > 0:18:24by persuading them that independence is the wrong call.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Scotland!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29No, we're just talking to people about independence.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Yes, get in there!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Hello, lovely skirts you chaps are wearing today.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I was wondering if we could have a moment.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37SNP all the way boys, SNP!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I don't understand a word you're saying, but if you could give me a second of your time.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Cos you're not literate, that's why.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Oh, no, I want England to be independent.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I'm supporting your independence!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Right. I see what you're doing there.- That is very good of you.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- What the fuck are yous two up to? - I'm James Twattington-Burbage.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- Come see these two wankers. - We're just talking to people.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Margaret Thatcher destroyed the Scottish fucking population.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Careful about Maggie, OK, she's my mate.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08She's a good friend of mine.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12England and Scotland, it's a bit like Batman and Robin. Do you want to just split up Batman and Robin?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Scotland's oil is just England's oil.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- Exactly, yes.- Well, absolutely. - Just like your Highlands, actually. - And your tennis players.- Yes.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22James actually owns quite a lot of land up in your Highlands.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- Yes.- Well, do you want to come up to Scotland then?
0:19:24 > 0:19:28See the amount of people unemployed. All you only give a fuck about is England.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- That's true, we do. - And you wonder why we're voting independence?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Can you explain to me why there is more fucking pandas in Edinburgh Zoo
0:19:35 > 0:19:38than there is yous cunts in Scotland?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40You are destroying the United Kingdom.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Are you for or against independence?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Definitely all for.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Oh, dear, are you drunk or confused?
0:19:44 > 0:19:49No, we're intelligent and we want the country to be developed and be a better place in the future.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- We've got oil, so yous are fucked, basically.- We would have to take that back.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55We've just come here to talk about Scottish independence...
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- How dare you rip that off my chest! - That was very, very naughty.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- Do you know how much I love the Liberal Democrats? - That was very, very rude.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10I've dedicated 12 years to the Liberal Democrats. And that makes me upset.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I'm on anti-depressants, OK, so I don't need you to push me any further to the edge.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17It's not worth it. Barney, Barney, it's just not worth it. OK?
0:20:17 > 0:20:22(CHANTS) Yeah, yeah, who the fucking, who the fucking,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24who the fucking hell are you?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Who the fucking hell are you?
0:20:28 > 0:20:29"No work today".
0:20:29 > 0:20:32That could be the new McDonald's motto.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35They employ 90 percent of their staff on zero hours contracts,
0:20:35 > 0:20:40so guaranteed working hours are about as rare as finding a pizza on the menu.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44They are by no means the only organisation adopting this approach,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47with Sports Direct, Burger King and even Buckingham Palace
0:20:47 > 0:20:51also using zero hours contracts to varying degrees.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Perhaps if the McDonald's executives were on zero hours contracts
0:20:54 > 0:20:57themselves, the company would learn that it can't have its McCake
0:20:57 > 0:20:58and eat it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06We are here to install the happy wheel for the McDonald's employees,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08you know, the whole zero hours contract thing.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11We can't promise anyone guaranteed working hours any more,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13so it's a lucky spin to see what you get.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Hello, sir, do you know about the new happy wheel?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19What they're doing is the whole zero hours contract thing
0:21:19 > 0:21:22at McDonald's, they're rolling it out to the executives now.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25You know, you keep your head down as a zero hours manager and maybe
0:21:25 > 0:21:28in six months you might get promoted to a zero hours executive.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29- OK.- Yeah.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Would you like to spin it? Where will you go to?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- Oh, oh, dear, four hours. - That's bad, is it?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Four hours next week, unfortunately.- Oh, OK. - Want to give it a spin?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- I'm OK, thank you.- You sure?- Yeah. - OK, if you run out of work,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44they're giving shifts with every Happy Meal in Oxford Street.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Give it a spin.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Oh, four hours, unlucky.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Hopefully you won't be on zero.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Want to see where you land? Oh, zero.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Zero hours next week, mate.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- Obviously that's only four hours. - Great.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00So that's tough. Because as an exec, you could be a zero hours manager.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01But you get your head down,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04six months later, you could be a zero hours exec, you never know.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Welcome to Inside The Story.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15I'm Dale Maily, fearless hetero journalist who's not afraid
0:22:15 > 0:22:16to be unafraid.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23telling you the right way to think.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Some left wing charlatans claim that our modern way of life
0:22:28 > 0:22:32is leading to global warming and an unsustainable planet.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35They argue that we need to live off the land and do more recycling.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37In order to see what the future might look like,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I've gone to an eco village in South Wales where the inhabitants
0:22:40 > 0:22:43claim to be living sustainably.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46So if you just follow me this way,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I'm gonna take you into one of these Hobbit houses.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50And they're made of grass and wood and shit
0:22:50 > 0:22:53and actually look like something out of the Lord of the Rings.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57So I'm gonna come in to what I can only describe as a...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00almost just one step away from an Ewok village.
0:23:00 > 0:23:05- Science has proven...- That global warming isn't happening.- That...
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Global warming is real.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Earth changes are coming.- Yeah.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12The thing about mainstream society is it's not sustainable.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- And that kills...- I listen to scientists too.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- Listen to the science, it kills... - Do you know about Dr Jeremy Clarkson?- Listen.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19What planet are you seriously living on?
0:23:19 > 0:23:24- A lot of what you're saying... - Homogenisation, just wait a moment...- ..Is basically rubbish.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28If you just come over here, toilets just left unplumbed in,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30it's really, it really stinks in here.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I've actually discovered another one of the hippy gardens.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Just come with me, you can see some strange plants,
0:23:36 > 0:23:40probably a lot of marijuana and LSD being grown here.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42So this is a polytunnel, that's marigold.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44This is all obviously legal, isn't it?
0:23:44 > 0:23:49So why did you suddenly say, look, I've got a degree,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53I've studied architecture, I'm going to drop out of society?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- It's more like, I've got a degree... - Drugs, right?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00This wooden monstrosity is called a hippy shit filler.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02In all my years of journalism,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I've never seen anything like this.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07These hippies are collecting their own shit
0:24:07 > 0:24:08and putting it on their food.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11This is Dale Maily. Getting inside the story.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Fracking, or hydraulic fracturing, is a process of
0:24:15 > 0:24:18hydraulic drilling deep underground for gas, carried out by
0:24:18 > 0:24:19companies like Cuadrilla.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Unfortunately, critics claim it's a fracking bad idea, arguing
0:24:23 > 0:24:25that the procedure can cause earthquakes, such as the ones
0:24:25 > 0:24:27recently felt in Blackpool.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30It sounds like fracking fits in perfectly with Blackpool's
0:24:30 > 0:24:32other thrill-a-minute rides.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Have you heard about the Fracker?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42It's a new ride coming to Blackpool.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44It's literally the scariest ride in Blackpool.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46It's by a company called Cuadrilla.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- You know the earthquakes in Blackpool a while ago?- Yeah.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Well, the company that caused those has actually turned that
0:24:51 > 0:24:54into an entire ride. It's a little like a ghost ride,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56but it does literally send you into hell.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59It's much, much worse than the Oil Spiller or the Coal Mine Collapser.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Oh, right.- You get your picture taken afterwards,
0:25:01 > 0:25:03as long as they can see through the fumes.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06So anyway, the Fracker, come down, you'll love it, if you survive.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14This is a ride, a Blackpool ride.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16We just brought the mock-up of the ride,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19we're part of the Blackpool Pleasure Beach crew.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22It's creating this ride off the whole sort of fracking thing
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- as one of the big earthquakes were really popular.- It's not a problem.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28We're doing the ride... in Blackpool Pleasure Beach.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31No, this is the ride that we're doing. Is there anything we've missed?
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Shall we put in some, like, some water that's really disgusting?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39So you live in Blackpool? You might get an OBE, seriously.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42So I'll leave it here for you cos you probably want it.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Having failed to convince the Scottish people to remain as part of the UK,
0:25:45 > 0:25:50James and Barnaby have decided to try and win over Scottish First Minister, Alex Salmond,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53who happens to be a very strong advocate of independence.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Mr Salmond, lovely to meet you.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Hello, Mr Salmond, welcome to Britain.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01We just wanted to ask you first of all about Scottish independence
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- very briefly, if you could just... - I'm in favour.- You, really?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- Absolutely.- Why do you want to be independent?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Why not?- All right, we've been sent from Number Ten, right,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13to offer you a deal. If you stop this Scottish independence crap...
0:26:13 > 0:26:15all right, then we'll make it worth your while, know what I mean?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- You mean, like in the peerages and things?- Oh, yes, we could do that.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23We can't promise anything but we've got you this England For England shirt with your name on the back.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Clegg could potentially sort you out and let me tell you,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28selling out completely isn't as bad as everyone says it is.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31And it makes you very unpopular, making decisions.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34It's better not to be in power than to be in power. I've been very depressed.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Listen, Alex, what I'm saying to you is very, very simple.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41You're not William bloody Wallace. You can take your land, but you'll never have your freedom.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- So you're going to take the deal? - Nah, I can't do that.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46But nonetheless, I'll tell Cameron to give you a job.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- Great, good, don't touch, don't touch.- Nice to meet you, OK.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51All right, take care. Britain forever.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52I thought he was very nice.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56I was expecting some sort of Scottish Nick Griffin.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Shut up, Barney.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd