0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07God bless everyone for our 11% pay rise.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Yes, we've had to make tough choices this year, let me tell you.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12And deciding to accept such a big pay rise was really
0:00:12 > 0:00:15one of the hardest, especially when teachers and nurses were getting 1%.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Shut up, Barney. Listen, it's been bloody difficult to make ends meet
0:00:18 > 0:00:20since you stopped us claiming for everything.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23- You know, I even have to pay for my gardener now.- Yes,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25and by giving us this bit extra, it means we can pay our
0:00:25 > 0:00:28rising energy bills this winter, so thank you, Britain, for this gift.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- And God bless us!- Merry Christmas!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51# Out of control!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55# You got to get down!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58# That's right, cos everything's
0:00:58 > 0:01:00# Out of control
0:01:00 > 0:01:02# I got your soul
0:01:02 > 0:01:05# Out of control
0:01:08 > 0:01:10# The soul, baby
0:01:10 > 0:01:12# Out of control! #
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Welcome to Inside The Story!
0:01:23 > 0:01:24I am Dale Maily,
0:01:24 > 0:01:28fearless hetero journalist who's not afraid to be unafraid.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Telling you the right way to think.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Britain used to be a country built on cricket,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41real ale and good old family values.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44But nowadays, there are more mosques than fish and chip shops
0:01:44 > 0:01:46and lax immigration laws are to blame.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Take the good English residents of Notting Hill.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Once a year, they have to flee their homes
0:01:51 > 0:01:55as an army of foreigners pour in to claim their streets.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Officially, it's called a carnival
0:01:57 > 0:01:59but the truth is it's an invasion.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01This is an unreported war, people,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03and I'm heading to the front line.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Just seen a group of white people.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Have you been threatened yet with sexual assault?- No.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Why are you white and you still have dreadlocks?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- Are you French?- Yes. - Oh, for God's sake!
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Oh, my God, a white woman is being assaulted! Oh, my God!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Just stop, stop! Are you all right, madam, are you all right?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22She's fine. She's fine. You haven't been attacked or anything, have you?
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- Why would that happen?- Well, it's Carnival, it's all black people.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Ah, ah, ah! Interview over.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Everyone knows on Inside The Story
0:02:30 > 0:02:32that Dale Maily is a modern, progressive man.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35But some of these people are having interracial marriages,
0:02:35 > 0:02:37that leads to socialist children like Barack Obama.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Is not about the colour or the gender,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41whether you are gay, straight, whatever.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43So it's about countries like Jamaica, Trinidad,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- all the countries of Africa?- No...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47To me, it just looks like, if I didn't have my iPhone,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50that I was in central Mogadishu - there's black people everywhere.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- What have you got in here? - I've got some drink in there.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57- Did you steal this?- No. We bought them.- Where's the trolley from?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- The trolley is from Tesco. - Did you steal that?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- No, Tesco offered to lend it to me. - Fantastic.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04You need to loosen up. You're too stiff. Have some fun.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Have a reefer, have something to go for you, man.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Everybody should come to Carnival and enjoy themselves!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Not just black people?- No, all welcome right here at Carnival.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15But not the Muslims?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18In an attempt to find out what these people want from us,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I've made the brave decision to go undercover
0:03:20 > 0:03:23by pretending that I'm happy to be here.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Wish me luck, Rastafari man!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28MUSIC: "Holding Back The Years" by Simply Red
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- Tell me about this food we've got here.- Jamaican rice and peas.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- So real African food? - Real African food.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I'm going to risk my life and eat some of this food.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Well, it's not English, but I tell you what, is not half bad.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I got to say, Dale Maily has never really been one for the exotic
0:03:42 > 0:03:45tastes, but these girls really are fantastic, aren't they?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Absolutely lovely.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50The longer I'm here, I realise that Carnival
0:03:50 > 0:03:53is about colourful personalities, vibrant people.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56It's a bit like the Million Man March, but in a good way.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57I kind of like it.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Lovely! Black people everywhere.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Black people everywhere, it's absolutely great!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06What an incredible bottom! Absolutely incredible.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Covered in paint,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I've got a massive erection.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Dale Maily. Unbelievable scenes of daggering here.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14God, I love Carnival!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Yes! Yes!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20HMRC has had some tricky times recently.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23It was publicly lambasted for agreeing a deal with Vodafone
0:04:23 > 0:04:26which critics claimed resulted in the company being let off
0:04:26 > 0:04:27a tax bill worth billions of pounds.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31It has also been accused of being too slow or toothless in the pursuit
0:04:31 > 0:04:36of other big businesses which employ sophisticated tax avoidance schemes.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Google, Starbucks and Walkers are among the host of organisations
0:04:39 > 0:04:42who might want to say a nice big thank you to the revenue.
0:04:42 > 0:04:49# A-E-I-O-U, U I sometimes cry... #
0:04:49 > 0:04:51This is the thank-you cake.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- Phew!- It's just the, er...
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- I think this is all for HMRC. - Flowers as well.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- Yeah, it is just thank-you notes. - This is the cake from Starbucks.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05This is the champagne from Amazon.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09It says "Thanks for helping us deliver massive profits to our shareholders."
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- This one's from Vodafone.- Yes.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It says, "Thank you HMRC for not putting us through the RINGER."
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- Starbucks gave them a cake.- This must be the sing-o-gram from Google.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- It's the barbershop quartet. - Oh, the barbershop quartet.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- # We're - We're - We're
0:05:25 > 0:05:29# Here to sing a thank you to HMRC... #
0:05:29 > 0:05:30That's lovely.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32# We're making lots of money at our company
0:05:32 > 0:05:37# We really love the fact that your rules are so lax
0:05:37 > 0:05:39# And
0:05:39 > 0:05:43# We're grateful for you letting us pay so little tax
0:05:43 > 0:05:51# We're grateful for you letting us pay so little tax. #
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Welcome to Life In The City.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58The animal kingdom is full of exotic creatures
0:05:58 > 0:06:01but the most mysterious species, without a doubt,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03is that of the hipster.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05And, to examine their strange behaviour,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I've come to their natural habitat.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09East London.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I spotted a hipster here who is wearing almost pure tweed,
0:06:12 > 0:06:17ironically, of course. He's carrying a camera which is incredibly retro.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22Here we have a hipster in retro hot pants and she's got tattoos
0:06:22 > 0:06:25on her elbows, which is what's known as getting work done.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Which, ironically, is something she doesn't have a concept of at all.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Here we go.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33As you can see, this hipster here has just thrown on
0:06:33 > 0:06:37a completely random selection of garments in the desperate, vague hope
0:06:37 > 0:06:41that, at one unspecified point in the future, it may end up being cool.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Almost all hipsters are 25 or under.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Even when they're 40.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49This hipster is actually wearing a pair of Reebok Classics.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Now, he's not from an estate, and he's not a chav,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53but he does this out of a sense of irony.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59If you ever want to ruin a dinner party
0:06:59 > 0:07:00with a complex geopolitical discussion,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03bring up the Israeli-Palestine conflict.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05It's guaranteed to cause an argument,
0:07:05 > 0:07:06especially if you're at a Bar Mitzvah.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09A report commissioned by the UN said that Israeli
0:07:09 > 0:07:11construction of settlements into the West Bank
0:07:11 > 0:07:13is a violation of the Fourth Geneva Convention.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16You've got to wonder just when will this expansion end?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Hello, mate. Is this your shop?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I'm sure you're aware the Israeli embassy is extending.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28This is where you are here and the Israeli embassy is going to extend
0:07:28 > 0:07:31actually the whole way over there so they can have a conservatory.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- I don't think so.- We'll have to take down this wall here.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Before it was your land, it was our land.- Yeah.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39So are really going to take what is rightfully ours.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- Thanks looking after it, though. Appreciate it.- Yeah. Yeah.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45This is going to be one part of the extension of the Israeli embassy,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- just down the road. - Have they got planning for this?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Well, we don't really need planning.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52We've got a very, very old planning book, about 2,000 years old.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Without putting too fine a point on it,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- they're going to bulldoze your land.- OK...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Can I have a letter, something official?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01We generally go with the bulldozers first and letters later.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04You see all those olives you've got in the deli display there,
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- they're ours as well.- It's not like taking someone's land is a big deal.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10We've been doing it for years. I mean... What's the problem?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12You mean to tell me this is the proposed...
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I don't see what you are talking about, "proposed".
0:08:15 > 0:08:18This is our land as given to us by the Almighty.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I'm finding that smile a bit anti-Semitic, mate.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22So I think you should wipe it off your face.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- So I think if they want it here... - Who's organised this?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Well, it's the Israeli embassy, basically, mate.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- What we are doing is we are sort of...- The embassy?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36- This may not be Israeli land, but... - Can I ask you to step across there, please.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Actually, all the way up to here.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I just think you're being a bit anti-Semitic.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42It's only a conservatory, and I mean,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45at the end of the day, all we're trying to do is build a wall
0:08:45 > 0:08:48around here to make sure that our conservatory can come out.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50It's going to look really nice.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56This adult male has created a completely pointless contraption
0:08:56 > 0:09:00which he's probably spend days or even weeks making.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03It's incredibly impractical and completely pointless.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07He has got one bike stacked on top of the other in a bizarre,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09surrealist sense of obscurity.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12If you just look over there, one of them
0:09:12 > 0:09:15is actually wearing glasses with no prescription. He's now dancing.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19in an animal display to attract his future mate.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23What I've done here,
0:09:23 > 0:09:27is I have left a piece of completely irresistible bait to a hipster.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Very soon, they're going to start flocking around
0:09:30 > 0:09:34and they are going to assume it's actually something meaningful.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38And this hipster actually thinks this is art.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Quite incredible. He's currently taking photos.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Which he's later going to Instagram.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49In 2010, the British public was treated to its first coalition government
0:09:49 > 0:09:51since the end of the Second World War.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56who have pretty much most of the power,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58and that other party with Nick Clegg.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Three years into the coalition,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08and we are following two of its lesser-known MPs.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Conservative James Twottington-Burbage
0:10:10 > 0:10:13and Liberal Democrat Barnaby Plankton, as they begin
0:10:13 > 0:10:18to feel the strain of this political union's uncertain future.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Hello.- Hello.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Education Secretary Michael Gove is drawing up controversial plans
0:10:31 > 0:10:33to change the National Curriculum.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Many teachers feel his proposals are unrealistic
0:10:35 > 0:10:38and are making their feelings known on the streets of London.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Never ones to shy away from a challenge,
0:10:40 > 0:10:44James and Barnaby have decided to tackle this problem head-on.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46What Michael Gove's really trying to get across
0:10:46 > 0:10:49is a policy that is called "Do As You're Told."
0:10:49 > 0:10:53And, really, what we're trying to get across to inner-city kids is,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55"Do as you're told, you disgusting plebs."
0:10:55 > 0:10:58You're destroying the education system.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00No, madam. We're just teaching people their place!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Of course I've been to a state school.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I walked round there a couple of times and I came out
0:11:04 > 0:11:05and I wasn't ill once.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Why are you hanging around with all these anarchist socialists?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Because I am a socialist.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11We're mostly OK with the changes!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13We're mostly OK with the changes!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Gove must go!
0:11:16 > 0:11:17- Poor children...- Yeah?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20..should learn that they're not as important as rich children.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I know that's what your government are trying to convince us.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Gove must go!
0:11:25 > 0:11:26You're just not doing as you're told.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28The country needs me more than it needs you.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31The country needs US more than it needs you.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Listen, Barney, this is just mutiny. It's bloody mutiny.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I'll have to get the water cannons out or something.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Back off! Carry on, on your way, on your way.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Seriously, on your way.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Here's some news that might make you cough and splutter.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48More than 200,000 children take up smoking every year.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50That's 567 per day.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Cigarettes are still branded as a cool
0:11:52 > 0:11:55and stylish lifestyle choice but recent studies appear to show
0:11:55 > 0:11:57that taking away stylish branding
0:11:57 > 0:11:59and replacing the packet with a plain design
0:11:59 > 0:12:01actually discourages people from smoking.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Surely any measure which might prevent children
0:12:03 > 0:12:06from becoming smokers is worth taking a chance on?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08But with the government recently shelving plans
0:12:08 > 0:12:10to introduce this type of plain packaging,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12should be asked whether they really care
0:12:12 > 0:12:14if the nation's youth goes up in smoke?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Sir, would you like to try a Minister?- I'd love one.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22They're a new brand of cigarette.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25We are launching these cigarettes to celebrate the fact
0:12:25 > 0:12:28that we are now allowed to have our logos on packets.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- You know the whole plain packaging thing?- Oh, yeah?- Didn't go through.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Phew!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Very much like actual Ministers, they're very weak.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41And you can buy them with some loose change in your pocket.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Everyone likes to suck on a Minister.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Very good for your health, helps you relax after a hard day in power.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50It does have hints of menthol. These are ones we promote to children.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52It keep their breath nice and fresh.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I mean, actually like real Ministers,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56they do leave a weird, corrupt stench in the air.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57MAN LAUGHS
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Shall we have them around here, or...?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I'll go find him.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05We're just setting up the smoking lounge.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06It's one of Jeremy Hunt's things.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08As a further concession to smoking companies,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10he decided to set up a smoking lounge
0:13:10 > 0:13:12actually in the lobby of the Department of Health.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Obviously, the whole plain packaging was pretty good for us
0:13:16 > 0:13:20and we're just launching these new cigarettes called Ministers.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24They are incredibly delicious and they smell of privilege
0:13:24 > 0:13:27and sort of undemocratic power.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31They'll go back to the Lords in a bit when they're tired. Thanks a lot.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Ed Balls.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Thanks.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Thank you.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38APPLAUSE
0:13:40 > 0:13:43We must start planning now for what will be a difficult
0:13:43 > 0:13:46and tough inheritance in 2015.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50We will need an iron discipline and a relentless focus on our priorities.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54We can't write our first budget today two years ahead.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58We don't know the economic circumstances two years ahead,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01let alone two years ahead.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05The Chancellor now says any growth is better than no growth at all.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Of course that's true. These are challenging times.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11The last Labour government didn't spend
0:14:11 > 0:14:13every pound of public money well.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17If, as we hope, some kind of recovery takes hold,
0:14:17 > 0:14:20then the balance of advantage will shift.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25- What the...?- BBC... - OMG...- WT...- F.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28OMG, I'm Sam Smith, I'm here with Haim. What's up?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30CHEERING
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- How are you doing, boys? - Really well.- A bit wet, damp.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Damp, dark and moist.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- How is Reading?- Amazing.- Is it red?
0:14:37 > 0:14:38It's pretty rad.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- How are you finding England? - Oh, we found it OK. We're here.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Right-wing, conservative, Christian groups.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- So scary, no! - I love the weather...
0:14:46 > 0:14:51What is coming up this year that you want to tell your fans about?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Christmas.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54But, seriously, should we ban abortion?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Do think we should intervene in Syria?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00But, seriously, what would you do about the ice caps melting?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Should be stop drone warfare in Pakistan and the Yemen?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06HE SIGHS
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Melting?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17French-based company ATOS is paid millions of pounds
0:15:17 > 0:15:19by the Department of Work & Pensions to assess
0:15:19 > 0:15:22whether or not people claiming to be sick or disabled
0:15:22 > 0:15:25should receive benefits or just go back to work.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Unfortunately, it appears they declared some people
0:15:27 > 0:15:30fit for employment when they're anything but.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Unless ATOS have magical healing powers, that is.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38# I'm gonna lay down my sword and shield
0:15:38 > 0:15:40# Down by the riverside
0:15:40 > 0:15:45- # I'm gonna study war no more - War no more
0:15:45 > 0:15:48# I ain't going to study war no more
0:15:48 > 0:15:50# Gonna study war no more
0:15:50 > 0:15:54# I ain't gonna study war no more. #
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Oh, hello, sir.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Just letting DWP employees know about the courses we're running
0:15:58 > 0:16:00next week at lunchtime in the foyer.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02The faith-healing courses next week.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Would you like to sign up? - Faith-healing course?- Yes.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08ATOS'S speciality is obviously getting people back to work,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10so we're teaching people how to channel the light of the Lord
0:16:10 > 0:16:12to cure disabilities.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Do you feel the light of the Lord in your chest and your soul?- Er...
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Do you think you'd be able to use yourself as a vessel
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- to cure laziness and disability? - Er, yeah, might be able to.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24If we could just channel the power of the Lord to cure disability,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27then we wouldn't have so many burdens on state.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30There are no wheelchair ramps in heaven - that's what we say.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# I ain't going to study war no more... #
0:16:33 > 0:16:37How are you today, my flock? I am the ATOS faith healer.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- I've been sent down from ATOS today. - I don't want to know.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41They're full of shite, ATOS.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Are you aware of our spiritual leader, Iain Duncan Smith?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46ATOS kill people.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49ATOS did not kill people, sir, they send them back to work.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51What is worst - dying or being a scrounger on the state?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I don't give a toss about ATOS.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55That's blasphemy, my child,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57and all I can say is ATOS works in mysterious ways.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Earlier, James and Barnaby try to win over the scores of teachers
0:17:01 > 0:17:05who feel let down by Michael Gove's education reforms.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Undeterred and still convinced they can win their doubters over,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11our coalition double act are taking to the stage
0:17:11 > 0:17:12at a teachers' conference.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Thanks for coming. I'd just like to start off by saying to everyone...
0:17:16 > 0:17:17sorry.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Just get off, Barney, get off.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Teachers, liberals, anarchists, commoners, whatever you are,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27leave Michael Gove to do what he needs to do.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30The man went to a good private school,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33none of this state crap, and he understands
0:17:33 > 0:17:37the fundamental principle that I learnt at a very young age.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Teachers aren't to be trusted.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43And that may sound a little incendiary, but I think the more
0:17:43 > 0:17:46you listen to James, the more you'll realise he's quite right.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48There's no way Michael Gove's leaving.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Thank you and good night.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51BOOING
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00It was recently alleged that America's National Security Agency
0:18:00 > 0:18:03had developed controversial methods of accessing private e-mails
0:18:03 > 0:18:04and other communications.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05But, according to reports,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08the British government's communication headquarters,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11the UK equivalent of the NSA, had also been able to get in
0:18:11 > 0:18:14on the snooping act with the NSA providing them
0:18:14 > 0:18:17with the means to gawk at all sorts of private communications
0:18:17 > 0:18:19made by the public on Google, Facebook,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Microsoft, Apple, Yahoo and Skype, among others.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Like Big Brother, GCHQ is probably watching you.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28MUSIC: "Big Brother" theme
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Football is a funny old game, but it's a wealthy one, too.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Clubs such as Reading, Wigan and Swansea are used
0:18:47 > 0:18:48to dealing in megabucks,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51shelling out massive salaries to their players.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Unfortunately, they don't always feel the need to spend megabucks
0:18:54 > 0:18:56on their interns and have been accused of unfair
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and exploitative practices, after placing adverts to recruit highly
0:18:59 > 0:19:03qualified youngsters to work for up to an entire season without a wage.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15We're basically here today to talk to people about opportunities
0:19:15 > 0:19:17to actually work in Wigan Football Club.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Have you ever thought about working for the club or...?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Oh, yeah, definitely.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Great, and I take it you've got degrees?- Perfect.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26We're looking for people just like you to come
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- and work unpaid for a year in Wigan. - Unpaid?!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Full-time?- Full-time, unpaid.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34You want me to work for a football club for six months for nothing?!
0:19:34 > 0:19:38It's like fantasy football but with a fantasy pay cheque.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Although you won't make any money yourselves,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43you will be hanging around with people that do make a lot.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45People say that money's ruined football,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47and you guys could be part of the solution to that.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49So it's really good opportunity
0:19:49 > 0:19:51to work for one of the biggest businesses in Wigan.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- But anyone has to have a BA. - BA and Masters students.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58We don't take any old slaves... er, interns, you know.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00So what you'll be doing is stuff like cleaning boots,
0:20:00 > 0:20:01making cups of tea,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04doing a lot of photocopying that's unnecessary, answering e-mails
0:20:04 > 0:20:07and probably not getting much love from anyone at the place.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10It's a dubious amount of experience, frankly, and you might end up
0:20:10 > 0:20:13on the scrapheap, but you never know, you could get a paid job.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- How do we survive?- Well... - How do you what?- Survive.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Family members, maybe they could, you know, foot the bill for you,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and in return, we'd give you lots of experience in making tea and stuff.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25There's a lot you can learn from a millionaire
0:20:25 > 0:20:27by cleaning out his toilet.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30We had to pay 39 million last year just in wages
0:20:30 > 0:20:31and we still got relegated.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34So, I mean, we got to find a way to make the club work at the same time.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36And you could be a part of that solution.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Being a fan, what's more important than that?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40My mortgage.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42My name is Wayne Danger.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I'm Wayne Danger and I can't get enough of fit birds.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48And I love them even more when they've got there baps out.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52But a few nagging Dorises are trying to get my favourite wank mags banned,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55claiming that they turn women into dehumanised sex objects,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58which leads to violence against women?!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01All right, mate. Are you down here for the gash or the protest?
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Ha-ha, no, here for the protest.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Can you give any tips for Whey TV on how to pull lezzers?
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- Any special lines or...?- Lezzers?! - I'm as much of a feminist as anyone.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I watch feminist porn all day long on the internet.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Like, rug-munchers?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- Er, no, I couldn't give any tips. - Right.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- You're not gay, are you? - Er, no, I'm not gay.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22We need something to wank over, so who are you -
0:21:22 > 0:21:26not being funny, love, like - but to take that right away from us?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28You don't have a right to wank over anyone!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32You're entitled to your opinion,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35but asking her if she's a lesbian because of that...!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Listen, Doris... - Doris! My name is Aoife, actually.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Maybe it's your time of the month or something, and you're getting upset...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I'm just going to do a quick,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46multiple-choice question to check if you're gay.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- All right, cool.- Question one... - Right.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Are you gay?- No.- Ah, good.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- What does it have anything to do with?!- Well...- This conversation?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- I thought maybe I could get your digits.- You're like...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Go out for a drink, you know? Take you out.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I'm a new-age man, babe, I'll treat you well. Lesson one.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07How to pull a rug-muncher. Here we go. Wetherspoons, Spritzer, now.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Now, there are a couple more announcements of Chinese investment
0:22:11 > 0:22:14in Britain today, as the Chancellor of the Exchequer
0:22:14 > 0:22:16continued his trade mission there.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Britain is open to investment,
0:22:18 > 0:22:22and China is no longer just a kind of low-cost manufacturing centre.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26It's also pioneering the tech and the science
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- and the medicines of the future. - What about the nuclear industry?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Well, I've signed here what's called a memorandum of understanding
0:22:32 > 0:22:34with the Chinese government.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36In other words, it's a kind of umbrella agreement.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39There are many countries in the world who wouldn't want
0:22:39 > 0:22:41other countries involved in their civil nuclear programme.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I do, because, by the way, I'd rather British taxpayers
0:22:44 > 0:22:46were spending their money on our schools and hospitals...
0:22:46 > 0:22:49You know, everything I've done has not been about
0:22:49 > 0:22:51whether it plays well in the focus group
0:22:51 > 0:22:53or the opinion poll the next day.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56It's been about what is right for this country,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58because ultimately, you know,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00good politics follows good economics.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- Chancellor, thanks very much. - Thank you.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07As a Liberal Democrat, the past three years of the coalition
0:23:07 > 0:23:09have been extremely challenging for Barnaby.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11His working relationship with James is a difficult one.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Don't care, Barney. Shut up, Barney.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17And having been booed by a roomful of teachers earlier today,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20the Liberal Democrat is reaching the end of his tether.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23That's why he's decided to reach out to fellow Lib Dem
0:23:23 > 0:23:25and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28as he's also been having a tough time of it.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Nick, I've just got these antidepressants for you.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I thought they might help. They helped me a lot.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36You just pop a few in the mouth and then you swallow
0:23:36 > 0:23:39and then you feel amazing for at least half a day.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Please don't take him away. He's not a danger to anyone but himself.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45He can get through it. Please, leave him alone!
0:23:45 > 0:23:48He just wanted the best for the country!
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Despite sales in the billions,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Starbucks say they haven't made any profit in the UK for years.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56And having made no profit means they pay no corporation tax.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Cynics claim this was made possible by channelling cash
0:23:58 > 0:24:00to their operations in low-tax regions
0:24:00 > 0:24:02such as Switzerland and Holland.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05But, after the recent controversy surrounding their tax structures,
0:24:05 > 0:24:09the coffee moguls generously donated over £5 million to the taxman
0:24:09 > 0:24:13in June with a further £15 million to come over the next 18 months.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Having failed to make any profit,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18perhaps Starbucks need a hand raising some extra cash.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Hello, Givebucks, Givebucks.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Hello, madam, were just collecting for Givebucks today.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- I have a real issue with Starbucks. - Why?- Why?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- It's because they don't pay their bloody tax.- What do you mean?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45But they're a non-profit organisation.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47You know, if you buy a latte, you can help them for a day.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51If you give money every day, you can help Starbucks for a lifetime.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Some money for Givebucks?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- I'm obviously not going to give Starbucks any money.- Why not?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Because I own a place down there, so...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Are you a competitor with Starbucks? - Exactly.- But you're profit-making.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04We don't make profit. Why are you trying to put us out of business?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Yeah, just cos you pay your tax. - Yeah.- Not everyone has to.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10You're like a fat cat. You're like taking home the money.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11We're not about the profit.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14A lot of people don't really realise that Starbucks
0:25:14 > 0:25:15is hanging from a thread right now.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16You are a business.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20- We're a good cause organisation now. - Coffee's an endangered species.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21We are so generous.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24We recently donated £5 million to the British government,
0:25:24 > 0:25:25- I don't know if you knew.- Yeah.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Just out of the goodness of our heart.- Just because we felt like it.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30You should be paying taxes and you're not.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- Well, we don't pay taxes, cos we're a non-profit.- Obviously.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Who's heard of a couple of low-level international politicians
0:25:40 > 0:25:41named Bush and Blair?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43If you haven't, they were the guys
0:25:43 > 0:25:45that adopted the controversial international policy
0:25:45 > 0:25:49known as the Iraq War, which killed an estimated 100,000 civilians.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52So, understandably, quite a few people would like to see them tried
0:25:52 > 0:25:54for war crimes in the International Criminal Court behind me.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57That's where individuals are prosecuted for genocide,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59crimes against humanity and war crimes.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01The only problem is, you've got to find them first.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08- Have you seen these guys?- Is it not George Bush?- It is, yeah.- OK.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09That's Tony Blair.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27If you want to trap this guy, you can do it with a £100,000 speech.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29They could share a cell together for ever.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Pray together, share their Colgate.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Think we should have a reward?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Just to make absolutely sure everyone knows
0:26:38 > 0:26:42that we're looking for Bush and Blair...
0:26:42 > 0:26:43I've covered the toilet.
0:26:43 > 0:26:48- There's a sort of price on their head.- Really? Who's offering?
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Well, I'll put in £10.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Have you been associating with these men, sir?- Not at all.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Do you know them? Be honest. Do you know where they live?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59It's just not possible.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Well, what we're doing is we're hunting for George Bush
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- and Tony Blair.- You really cannot do that now. You really need to...
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- Have you seen them? - Can you please put this down?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09We can't, because if we take them down,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12then no-one will be able to know that they're wanted.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I mean, they've committed some pretty serious crimes.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16He coined the term Cool Britannia.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Let us know if you see them, yeah? 0800 CatchA-War-Criminal.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Would you come along to help with the manhunt?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24The manhunt can't continue unless we put up the posters.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29# I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it
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0:27:41 > 0:27:44All girls all over the world
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Original Mad Stuntman 'pon your case, man
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I love how all girls...
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd