0:00:06 > 0:00:09# I would like to leave this city
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# This old town don't smell to pretty
0:00:13 > 0:00:18# And I can feel the warm inside
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Running around my mind
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# So what do you say?
0:00:25 > 0:00:30# You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway
0:00:30 > 0:00:34# Half the world away
0:00:34 > 0:00:39# Half the world away
0:00:39 > 0:00:43# Half the world away... #
0:00:43 > 0:00:45HE HUMS
0:00:48 > 0:00:52# I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
0:00:52 > 0:00:57# I keep my eyes wide open all the time
0:00:57 > 0:01:01# I keep the ends out for to tie the binds
0:01:01 > 0:01:06# Because you're mine I walk the line
0:01:06 > 0:01:10# Dee dee dee dee He walked the line
0:01:10 > 0:01:16# I find it very, very easy to be true
0:01:16 > 0:01:20# I find myself alone when each day is through
0:01:20 > 0:01:23# Dee dah dah la la... #
0:01:24 > 0:01:25There we go.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33He's like a bloody bad smell that Noel Edmonds, isn't he? Eh?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37I wish some one would put him in one of them bloody boxes and bury it.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Oh, shite! Graham Norton.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46What the bloody hell's going on here, Barb?
0:01:46 > 0:01:50It was fine years ago when we just had the likes of Larry Grayson, your novelty gay.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55But now it's a bloody novelty if you ever see anyone straight on the television.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Gays can get married now, you know, Jim.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I know! Don't know what the world's coming to.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04You know who kicked all that off, didn't you? Elton bloody John.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08What's that fella he married called?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- David Furnish.- Oh, aye. That's the soft sod. Yeah.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15I bet his candle's given him wind a few bloody times and all.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16THEY LAUGH
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- Oh, Jim. - DOORBELL RINGS
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Get that will you, Barb? That'll be Doctor Who and Rose.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Hiya, Mam.- Hiya, Denise.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Y'all right?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- Hello, Dave, you all right? - Hi, Barbara.- Hello, Little David.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Give your nana a big hug.
0:02:38 > 0:02:44- Hiya, Dad. Are you all right? - All right, James? - Hiya, Little David.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Come on, up above. Down below. To the side.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Too slow!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Have you had your tea?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Yeah.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14What did you have?
0:03:14 > 0:03:19Well, I made Little David Turkey Twizzlers and chips.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Oh.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22What did you have?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Erm...
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Turkey Twizzlers and chips.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Did you like your Turkey Twizzlers, David?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- BOTH:- Yeah.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Have you had a good day at school, Little David?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Yeah.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- Did you do any reading?- Yeah.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Did you do any writing?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Yeah.- Ooh.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Isn't he coming on, our Denise?
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Yeah.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Can I have The Simpsons on, Grandad?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Now, now. What do we say?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Can I have The Simpsons on, please?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22No.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Can I watch it upstairs, Nana please?- Yes. Course you can, love.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Thanks.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30He's a sociable little fella, isn't he?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Ah.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39That reminds me, Mam. Can Little David stay over here on Friday?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Ooh, yeah. Course he can.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43What time till?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Till Monday.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Oh, yeah. OK then, yeah.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Why, what are you doing?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Well, we fancied a little break away.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Ooh.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- Where to? - No, away from Little David.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Oh, right.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09You see, Dave really needs to spend some quality time on his own in The Feathers.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11And I've got loads of catching up to do.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14You know, what with Trisha and Jeremy Kyle.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17She Sky Plus'd them, Barbara.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Did you, Denise? Well done.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27How's that Little David doing at school?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- Well, do you know how we thought that he had Attention Deficit Disorder? - Yeah.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Well, it turned out that he just couldn't be bothered concentrating.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Oh.- Could he Dave?- What?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Little David, not concentrating.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Oh, yeah. He's got Attention Deficit Disorder, Barbara.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48No, he's not, Dave! They told us that.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Oh, yeah. They did, yeah.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57How's he been behaving this week?
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Well, I had to put him on the naughty chair four times last night.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Swearing again?- Yeah. - What did he say?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- "Homework, my arse!"- Oh!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Thing is though, it's always me dishing out the discipline with him.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Dave's dead soft with him.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18I put Little David in the naughty chair, and Dave goes and sits in there with him.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Ah, do you Dave?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22That's very thoughtful of you.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Naughty bloody chair!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26What a waste of bloody time that is.
0:06:26 > 0:06:32That's why the country's in such a bloody mess, we're trying to fight crime with a bloody naughty chair.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Who's been in the naughty chair?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Ahh. Are you awake, Nana?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Yeah. Who's that?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Oh. Hello, Denise.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Hiya, Nana.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Are you awake, Nana?- Yeah.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- Hello, David.- Hiya, Nana.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Are you awake, Mam?- Yeah.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Hello, Barbara.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Hiya, Mam.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Jim, Mam's awake.- Oh.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Better luck next time, eh?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13< Hiya. Hiya.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16DENISE: Cheryl babes!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Hiya, Nana. Are you awake? - Yes, I am.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23- Hello, Cheryl. - Hiya, Nana.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Your bag looks a bit full.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Should I empty it again, Barbara?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Oh, yeah. Thanks, Cheryl.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Ooh.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Isn't she good, Cheryl?- Yeah.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- I think she'd have made a lovely nurse.- Anyway, yeah.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58She's only lugging a bag of piss. It's hardly keyhole surgery.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- Well, you wouldn't do it. - I'd love one of them bags, Dave.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- You'd hardly miss any bloody telly then.- Ooh, no.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08I fancied getting one fitted for the last World Cup game but the National Health...
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Didn't want to know.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34NAN: Ta, Cheryl.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Aw, thanks, Cheryl.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41It's a messy job, isn't it?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Have you washed your hands, love?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Ooh.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48No, you're all right. Come on, sit down. You're amongst friends.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Have you got the Evening News tonight?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Ooh. Is it in, babes?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Dad, have you got the Evening News?
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- Cheryl's ad's in "Matchmaker, Matchmaker".- What? The lonely hearts?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01There you go.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09What happened to that bloke that you was writing to for ages Cheryl?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Well, I sent him a picture like he asked.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14A nd then I never heard anything. DAD LAUGHS
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Well, there wasn't much future in it really. Wasn't he in for life?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Yeah.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- Here it is.- Ooh.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Let's have a look.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31What does it say, Barb?
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Hang on, hang on.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35"Charismatic, 30s female..."
0:09:35 > 0:09:36No, read Cheryl's out.
0:09:38 > 0:09:44"Bubbly, cuddly, likes going out for meals or staying in for meals.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48"Both vegetarian and meat eaters considered."
0:09:48 > 0:09:56- Ooh. Good thinking, babes. - "Looking for friendship/love with male aged any.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"Able bodied or otherwise.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"Skin colour not essential.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- "No height restrictions." - Bloody hell.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You're on a roller coaster aren't you, Cheryl.
0:10:07 > 0:10:13"Own vehicle not necessary as father will pick up and drop off."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15You know what the problem is here?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18You're playing too bloody hard to get, girl.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20THEY LAUGH
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- It's lovely. - I think it's great.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37So you just press this button here and away you go.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38This one?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES
0:10:46 > 0:10:51- UNTUNEFULLY: - # Love is a burning thing
0:10:51 > 0:10:55# It makes a firy ring. #
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Barbara! Barbara!
0:10:58 > 0:11:02I've got Johnny Cash in my ears!
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Hey, Anthony.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Anthony. Does this thing play cassettes as well?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10No, Nana. It's just CDs.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Why, have you got cassettes?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13No.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Antony, are you going to stay for your tea? It's chops.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19No, I'm just on my way to a conference in Milton Keynes.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23BOTH: Ooh, Milton Keynes.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Our Anthony, fancy that.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Listen, how's little Lewis?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34He's great. His piano tutor's round tonight.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42And how's it going with Sarah?
0:11:42 > 0:11:47Yeah, good. You know... All right. Good. Yeah, all right.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Hey up, it's Alan Sugar. How are you, Lurcio?
0:11:50 > 0:11:55- All right, Dad? - Jim, our Anthony's going to a conference in Milton Keynes.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57A conference in Milton Keynes, eh?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00That's bloody great that, lad.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03So, should I put the kettle on?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06No, no.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11You sit down. I'll go and make it, you save your energy for the bloody conference, son.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Can I have a coffee, please?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Coffee? Have we got coffee, Barb?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Yeah, it's in the top cupboard.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- Do you want a Kit-Kat to go with that, Lurc?- Yeah, please.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Or there's a mint Yo-Yo, or there's a Wagon Wheel doing nothing here.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- Anything, Dad. - Come and choose one, lad.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- Dad, I'm not arsed. Anything. - Come on, I want you to pick.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36You can even have a Club Orange.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39# Fell in to a burning ring of fire
0:12:39 > 0:12:42# Down, down, down... #
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I tell you what lad, you look the bloody bees knees, don't you?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You're doing really well. You've come a long way.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Yeah.- Your own suit, that's cost a few bob, hasn't it?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- Yeah.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Do you know who you remind me of?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Roger Moore in the James Bond movies. Look at the cut of that.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03A matching tie and all that. Bloody hell.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Hey, I'm bloody proud of you, son.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Proud of you. Glad to see you doing well.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10It's just that, well...
0:13:10 > 0:13:14I've been a bit strapped for cash lately. What with, well...
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- the inflation and everything.- How much do you want this time, Dad?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Well, I'd say 20 quid son.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24But I don't think that'd be enough so can we call it 50 quid?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- Bloody hell, Dad!- Ah, lovely.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Do you want a Penguin with that, son?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- Can I take two?- Can you balls!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34You greedy little get! Who the bloody hell do you think you are?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Swanning around at your conference in Milton bloody Keynes.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39There's more to life than bloody money, you know!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43What about your family? Now get in there and see your Nana. Go on.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45You selfish, selfish little sod!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51# ..went higher
0:13:51 > 0:13:53# And it burns, burns, burns
0:13:53 > 0:13:56# A ring of fire
0:13:56 > 0:13:57# A ring of fire! #
0:14:01 > 0:14:05That's me and you in The Feathers, your majesty!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08# Now, I'm on the piss again!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10# The piss again! #
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Would you like a large one, your majesty?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Do you want a drink to go with it?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Two large drinks please, barman. Leave yourself out this time.
0:14:26 > 0:14:35DAVID: "Luciana kicked the flat tyre of her Mustang in temper, without a care for her Manolo Blankets.
0:14:35 > 0:14:43"Shoes which had seemed so perfect in New York but now only served to shout 'tourist'
0:14:43 > 0:14:46"to the bare footed peasants of Tangier.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51"Luciana was in trouble and she knew it.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54"Through her tears, she noticed something.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- "A head in the road."- Eh!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Oh. Sorry, Nana.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03"She noticed something ahead in the road.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05"It couldn't be, could it?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"Could it be him?
0:15:07 > 0:15:11"Luciana's heart started pounding.
0:15:11 > 0:15:21"The Land Rover screeched to a halt and the all too familiar figure of Doctor Curtis Sinclair emerged.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24"Luciana started to feel herself."
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Eh?
0:15:26 > 0:15:33"Weakening as she saw the steely determination of his gait.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38"Suddenly, she felt enveloped by his two strong arms.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41"Never had she felt so protected.
0:15:41 > 0:15:48"Not with Rico, not with Paulo and certainly not with Dimitrius."
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Ooh, not with him. No.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54"She felt his warm breath on the nape of her neck.
0:15:54 > 0:16:01"Every sinew in her body ached with desire for this gifted neurosurgeon.
0:16:01 > 0:16:07"She wondered how such strong hands could perform such delicate operations.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11" 'I want you, Luciana.' he whispered.
0:16:11 > 0:16:20" 'I've wanted you since the moment I clasped my eyes on you dancing alone in the fountain.'
0:16:20 > 0:16:25"His lips sought to quench the thirst of her rising passion.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28"She knew that this was the moment.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32" 'Not here, Luciana, my angel.' he whispered.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35" 'Let's wait until Marrakech.' "
0:16:35 > 0:16:39What the bloody hell's Doctor Curtis Sinclair playing at?
0:16:39 > 0:16:44I've got a little stiffy on here and he wants to wait till Marrakech?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46David.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48David.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50What is a little stiffy?
0:16:53 > 0:17:00"She had to admit he had not put a foot out of line as far she was concerned..."
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- TV:- '..country's stunning scenery.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08'I'll be watching life float by from the banks of the River Nile as I holiday in Luxor.'
0:17:12 > 0:17:16'For years, Egypt has been capturing the imagination of its visitors.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19'The wonder of the pyramids, the magic of the temples.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22'But the Nile is the life blood of this land,
0:17:22 > 0:17:27'which is why I've decided to start my holiday with a cruise.
0:17:27 > 0:17:33'Sailing from Luxor to Aswan, the Ra docks in a different place every day.'
0:17:33 > 0:17:36How's your dad doing, Dave?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Oh, he's smashing. Yeah.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Is his scalp still flaking?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Yeah.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- Is your mam still following him around with the Dyson?- Yeah.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56How's your diet going, Cheryl?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Started a new one. - What is it, babes?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Mainly fruit and vegetables.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Cheryl.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05But I have to have plenty of nuts as well.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09But I forgot to take my nuts to work yesterday so I just had a Topic.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Oh, that's very clever, Cheryl.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13There's plenty of nuts in them.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Yeah. And, er, two Snickers.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Do you like Snickers, Derek?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- I don't mind.- Ooh.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Aren't they well suited, Denise?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Yeah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I'm sorry you couldn't meet Denise's dad, Derek.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39He won't come out of the kitchen, he's sulking.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43What's it over this time, Mam?
0:18:45 > 0:18:46It's OK. She's asleep.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Well, tea time it was.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53He went to switch the telly over with the remote control and it wouldn't work.
0:18:53 > 0:18:59It turns out your Nana's taken the batteries out to put in that hand-held fan of hers.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Oh, poor Nana.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- What did he do?- He hit the roof.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08He said he'd like to shove that fan right up your Nana's arse.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Sideways.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Anyone fancy a brew?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Ooh, yes please, Denise. - Please, Denise.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Derek, babes? Do you fancy a brew?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Yes, please, Denise.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Dave, babes?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Hm?- Everyone fancies a brew.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45All right, Jim? What are you doing in here?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- Haven't you bloody heard?- No, what?
0:19:47 > 0:19:52The Queen of bloody Sheba in there has only stolen the batteries out of my bloody remote control.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- What for?- To fan her bloody self!
0:19:54 > 0:20:01That's what for! So I had to sit for an hour and watch Location, Location, Lo-bloody-cation!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Why didn't you just turn it over at the telly?
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Because that's what she wants! Me up and down like a blue arsed fly!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12She's the puppet master! Pulling the strings up and down, up and down!
0:20:12 > 0:20:17She's got Barbara wiping her arse and plucking her bloody chin every half an hour!
0:20:17 > 0:20:21And everyone else has to empty her bag because she's too lazy to go for a bloody piss!
0:20:21 > 0:20:25And do you know what the crafty old cow's done? The wicked old witch!
0:20:25 > 0:20:29She's stolen the bloody batteries out of my bloody remote!
0:20:29 > 0:20:30- <- You know what?
0:20:30 > 0:20:36Everything in this house bloody revolves around her now!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I've not noticed.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40You've not noticed? Bloody hell, lad!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43She's been lying flat on her back for the last six months
0:20:43 > 0:20:47where we used to sit and have our tea! And you haven't noticed?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Bloody hell, Dave!
0:20:49 > 0:20:54You go in there and you tell Barbara I will not step foot in that room
0:20:54 > 0:20:57until I get my bloody batteries back in that!
0:21:03 > 0:21:09- Barbara?- Yes?- Jim says he's not stepping foot in that room till he gets his batteries back.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11See what I mean, Denise?
0:21:11 > 0:21:17Well, you can tell him to get off his big fat arse and go and get batteries from the shop.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24She said you can get off your big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Well, you tell her if I have to do have to go to the shop
0:21:28 > 0:21:33and buy batteries that have been stolen from my bloody remote, I won't be coming back!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Barbara.- Yeah?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Oh, hang on.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42What did you say again, Jim?
0:21:42 > 0:21:46If I have to go to the shop and buy the bloody batteries that have been
0:21:46 > 0:21:49stolen out of my remote, I won't be coming back!
0:21:51 > 0:21:56He says, if he has to go to the shop, he's never coming back!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Tell him if he thinks more of his remote control
0:21:59 > 0:22:03than he does of his own family, he needn't bother coming back!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- She said...- I know what she said! I'm not bloody deaf, Dave!
0:22:11 > 0:22:17I heard it, I heard it, you bloody big streak of piss! Go on, piss off!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I think he's mad at ME now, Barbara.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Oh, ignore him, Dave.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Ignore him, babes.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31'Our trip includes seven nights on the Ra cruise...'
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Are you all right, Derek?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39It's always a little bit awkward on a first date, isn't it?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Barbara. Hey, Barbara.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I'm awake, Barbara.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Are you, Mam?
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Is he still in there?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Yeah.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I do hope it had nothing to do with me.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Course it hasn't, Mum.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Hiya, Nana. Are you awake?
0:23:00 > 0:23:05Yeah. Hello, Denise.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07DAVE: Hiya, Nana. Are you awake?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Yeah.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Hello, David.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Hiya, Nana. Are you awake?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Yeah. Hello, Cheryl.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Oh, Derek. You haven't met Nana yet, have you?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Do you want to go over and meet her?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23You've only seen her asleep so far, haven't you?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Go on, Derek, babes. - Go on, Derek.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Go on.- Great.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Oh, look, Derek's got a tail!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35THEY LAUGH
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Derek's got a tail on his first date.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Cheryl, take that tail off Derek.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Sorry, Derek, babes.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58It's one of me extensions.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Hey, Derek.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Come and meet Nana. Come on.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05All bow down for the Queen of Sheba.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Sit down. Do sit down.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Derek, this is Nana.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Nana, this is Derek.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Hello, Derek.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Hello, Nana.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Ooh, just a minute.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Ooh. You are lovely, Derek.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Derek, let me tell you.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Do you know what my favourite musical is?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- No.- Well, it's Annie.
0:24:41 > 0:24:47And, do you know, your hair's just reminded me of it.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51# The sun will come out tomorrow
0:24:51 > 0:24:57# Bet your bottom dollar That tomorrow
0:24:57 > 0:25:00# There'll be sun
0:25:00 > 0:25:04ALL: # Tomorrow, tomorrow
0:25:04 > 0:25:07# I love you tomorrow
0:25:07 > 0:25:12# You're only a day a way. #
0:25:12 > 0:25:17- Come on Derek. Come on, love. - # Tomorrow, tomorrow
0:25:17 > 0:25:20# I love you tomorrow
0:25:20 > 0:25:23# You're only a day a way... #
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Come on!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Take me down the bloody shop!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Come on, lazy arse! Move your bloody self!
0:25:32 > 0:25:37# We're only a day away. #
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Oh, Mary.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- You know Elsie, my dead friend?- Yes.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Well, her daughter Marion's,
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- she's being laminated this weekend. - What?
0:26:09 > 0:26:13You know, carpets up, wood look-a-likey.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Oh, wood look-a-likey.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18How lovely for her.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- Haven't Denise and David been laminated?- Oh, yes.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24They've been laminated throughout.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Oh, I'd love to be laminated throughout.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29So would I.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33I'd love my flat to be laminated throughout.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Laminate my arse!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Eh? What bloody use would that do?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39You don't live there now, do you?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You live here, in my bloody house.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45- And I don't want laminating throughout.- Oh, hello, Jim.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Hello, Mother Theresa.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49How's Joe today? Is he still decorating?
0:26:49 > 0:26:55Yes, he's just painting the sides of the fish tank when I came out.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- What's he doing that for? - Well, there was some left over.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01It's Magnolia.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Oh, right. Has he still got that cotton bud lodged in his ear?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Well, yes, he has.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Mary, I haven't shown you my new tablets, have I?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14- What are they?- They're yellow.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Oh, yellow.
0:27:18 > 0:27:25Joe got yellow ones for his swelling, when he got his Mickey stuck in his zip.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Doctor Mahmood gave them to me.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Doctor Mahmood's a Pakistani, you know.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- But he's very open about it.- Oh.
0:27:37 > 0:27:43"May cause drowsiness. If affected, do not operate machinery."
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Doctor Mahmood thinks of everything.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52- Oh, did I tell you about Bernard from the flats?- No, what?
0:27:52 > 0:27:56- He dropped dead in the middle of Matalan.- Oh, dear.
0:27:56 > 0:28:02Anyway, after he was dead, didn't he find himself cremated?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Poor Bernard.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06They split his ashes Norma.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10- They what?- They split his ashes.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13His sister, who's living here, took half.
0:28:13 > 0:28:21And then his other sister, who lives in America, took the other half.
0:28:21 > 0:28:27Now, he'd never been out of Manchester in his life.
0:28:27 > 0:28:35And now half of him's in Salford and the other half of him's in San Francisco.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Which half?
0:28:38 > 0:28:40There's no way of knowing.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Well, I hope it was his top half.
0:28:43 > 0:28:44So do I.
0:28:44 > 0:28:50- # I left my half in San Francisco. # - NANA LAUGHS
0:29:07 > 0:29:10# Six foot six he stood on the ground
0:29:10 > 0:29:12# He weighed 235 pounds
0:29:12 > 0:29:17# But I saw that giant of a man brought down to his knees by love
0:29:17 > 0:29:21NANA CACKLES
0:29:21 > 0:29:25# He was the kind of man that would gamble on luck
0:29:25 > 0:29:27# Look you in the eye and never back up
0:29:27 > 0:29:34# But I saw him cryin' like a little whipped pup because of love
0:29:34 > 0:29:37# You can't see it with your eyes Hold it in your hand
0:29:37 > 0:29:41# But like the wind that covers our land
0:29:41 > 0:29:43# Strong enough to rule the heart of any man
0:29:43 > 0:29:46# This thing called love
0:29:46 > 0:29:50# It can lift you up Never let you down
0:29:50 > 0:29:54# Take your world turn it all around
0:29:54 > 0:29:57# Ever since time Nothing's ever been found
0:29:57 > 0:29:59# That's stronger than love. #
0:29:59 > 0:30:02RADIO ON
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Don't do it so curly this time, Barbara.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Last time it was just like Jeremy Clarkson.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Ooh! Don't be so rough.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16You're just like Sweeny Todd with that comb.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Barbara, Barbara.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24Did I tell you that my dead friend Elsie's daughter
0:30:24 > 0:30:30- Marion went out for a meal last Friday with her husband Lionel?- No.
0:30:30 > 0:30:36Well, she did. Marion went out for a meal last Friday with her husband, Lionel.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- Oh, did they?- Hmm.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41What did they have?
0:30:41 > 0:30:45They both had a la carte.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49Ooh. How lovely.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51What is a la carte, Barbara?
0:30:51 > 0:30:54I don't know.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58I wouldn't mind trying a la carte one night, I'm sick of chops.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02For a starter
0:31:02 > 0:31:05Marion had soup of the day,
0:31:05 > 0:31:08which was Friday.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12And Lionel had smoked salmon, raw,
0:31:12 > 0:31:16with cheese and chive sauce.
0:31:19 > 0:31:24Before the main meal and after it they had
0:31:24 > 0:31:26ice cream sorbet.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Oh, how lovely.
0:31:29 > 0:31:30Then they both had a crepe.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34Well, I'm not surprised after all they'd eaten.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43- Eh, Mam.- Mm?
0:31:43 > 0:31:45Do you remember when you used to do my hair?
0:31:45 > 0:31:47Yes, I do.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50You always used to tie it up with a little red ribbon on the top.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54Well, that's what my mam used to do to me.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03Barbara, this nightie feels a bit mucky.
0:32:05 > 0:32:10Right. Well, I'll throw it in with the next load.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13You can give it me after this.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Can't you do a hand wash with it?
0:32:15 > 0:32:21I don't fancy it being in with Jim's Y-fronts, they're so mucky.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27- Barbara?- Yes?
0:32:27 > 0:32:32Do you think you can get on with my toe nails next?
0:32:32 > 0:32:33Yeah.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Barbara.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Yes?
0:32:39 > 0:32:40Barbara...
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Barbara, thank you.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Thank you, Barbara.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51- What for?- Everything.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57Do you remember last Christmas, when all this started?
0:32:57 > 0:33:00- Yeah.- Do you remember, I got the wish bone.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Do you want to know what I wished for?
0:33:03 > 0:33:05No, don't tell me cos it won't come true.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08But it has, Barbara. It has.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11I wished,
0:33:11 > 0:33:15I wished that I would never have to go into a home.
0:33:20 > 0:33:24I'm not a burden to you, am I, Barbara?
0:33:24 > 0:33:26You're never a burden, Mam.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32I do love you, Barbara.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37RADIO: "Que Sera Sera" by Doris Day
0:33:37 > 0:33:41NANA HUMS ALONG
0:33:41 > 0:33:45RADIO: # When I was just a little girl
0:33:45 > 0:33:50# I asked my mother, what will I be?
0:33:50 > 0:33:54NANA SINGS ALONG # Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
0:33:54 > 0:33:58# Here's what she said to me BARBARA SOBS QUIETLY
0:33:58 > 0:34:00# Que sera, sera
0:34:00 > 0:34:05# Whatever will be, will be
0:34:05 > 0:34:08# The future's not ours to see
0:34:08 > 0:34:12# Que sera, sera
0:34:12 > 0:34:17# What will be, will be
0:34:17 > 0:34:21# When I grew up and fell in love
0:34:21 > 0:34:26BOTH SING ALONG # I asked my sweetheart "What lies ahead?
0:34:26 > 0:34:30# "Will we have rainbows day after day?"
0:34:30 > 0:34:34# Here's what my sweetheart said
0:34:34 > 0:34:37# Que sera, sera
0:34:37 > 0:34:41# Whatever will be, will be
0:34:41 > 0:34:45# The future's not ours to see
0:34:45 > 0:34:49# Que sera, sera
0:34:49 > 0:34:52# What will be will be. #
0:34:55 > 0:34:59Have you thought any more about having them hair extensions, Nana?
0:34:59 > 0:35:04Yeah, I thought maybe for my birthday.
0:35:04 > 0:35:05Oh, yeah.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08It's something a bit different, isn't it?
0:35:08 > 0:35:11Yeah. I think they'd look top, babes.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13These look great, Denise.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16They're great.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19Do you ever think of doing this to your own nails?
0:35:19 > 0:35:25Well, I've always got loads of things to do. And false nails, they just slow me down.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Get stuck in the remote control.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32You're your father's daughter all right, aren't you?
0:35:32 > 0:35:35Nana, don't say that!
0:35:35 > 0:35:36We're nearly ready.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40And we're really excited.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43What's Little David hoping for?
0:35:43 > 0:35:46A little brother or a little sister?
0:35:46 > 0:35:50- He wants a brother. - And what about Big David?
0:35:50 > 0:35:52Well, he doesn't mind really.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54As long as it's...
0:35:54 > 0:35:56- His?- Nana!
0:35:58 > 0:36:02Well, whatever it is,
0:36:02 > 0:36:06I'm going to hang on to meet it.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Ah, Nana.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14Little David keeps getting his bit wrong.
0:36:14 > 0:36:18Lewis thinks he's on the X Factor.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21- Denise?- Yeah?
0:36:21 > 0:36:26- Denise, can I talk to you about when I go?- Go where?
0:36:26 > 0:36:28To heaven.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Nana, I don't wanna talk about that.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35They won't let me talk about it and I want to.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38OK, Nana.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Denise, how do you spell "funeral"?
0:36:41 > 0:36:45- Funeral?- Yes. Spell it, spell it.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47F-U-N...
0:36:47 > 0:36:53Stop, stop there. Because that's what I want my funeral to be.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56I want my funeral to be fun.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Aw, Nana.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03And Denise, can we have volly-vents?
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Yeah! Yeah.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08Nana, do you know what?
0:37:08 > 0:37:11I'll make them myself!
0:37:11 > 0:37:13From a packet, probably.
0:37:13 > 0:37:18The way them two are carrying on, you'd think they were performing at Wembley Arena.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20Anthony babes, who'd have thought it, eh?
0:37:20 > 0:37:23- Me and you with such talented kids. - Yeah, I know.
0:37:23 > 0:37:29I don't say this to swank, but where do you think they get all that talent from?
0:37:29 > 0:37:33- Me.- Ready.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Right boys,
0:37:35 > 0:37:37in you come.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42OK, ladies and gentlemen.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Let's get ready to rumble!
0:37:46 > 0:37:50He learnt his craft in Tokyo, Japan and Kevin's Karate class on Church Road.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53It's Master David Lightning Pants Best!
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Go on, Little David.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Oh, very good.
0:38:14 > 0:38:19Let's get ready to rumble once more, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for a few impressions.
0:38:19 > 0:38:23The master of mirth himself, the boy of a thousand voices, all of them quite similar.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25In Nana's corner, it's Lewis Royle!
0:38:30 > 0:38:32- Who are you going to do then? - Who am I going to do?
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Do Nana first.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36HIGH VOICE: Jim! Jim! Jim!
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Do Denise.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42HIGH VOICE: How dare you, take it off you big clown!
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Spot on!
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Do miserable old Grandad for us.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49Never mind bloody bacon!
0:38:49 > 0:38:53Ooh, "Bacon, my arse!"
0:38:53 > 0:38:55Do Peter Kay, do us Peter Kay.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58Garlic bread? Garlic bread?
0:38:58 > 0:39:02# Is this the way to Amarillo?
0:39:02 > 0:39:05Every night I've been hugging my pillow
0:39:05 > 0:39:08# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo... #
0:39:08 > 0:39:11BACKGROUND MUSIC: # Que sera, sera
0:39:11 > 0:39:15# Whatever will be, will be
0:39:15 > 0:39:19# The future's not ours to see
0:39:19 > 0:39:22# Que sera, sera. #
0:39:23 > 0:39:30When I was young and looking for love, you just couldn't find a boyfriend in the paper then, Cheryl.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33I think it's a good idea, because it means that when you go
0:39:33 > 0:39:38on your first date at least you know you've got something in common.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42What are your hobbies, Slash?
0:39:44 > 0:39:46Biking and paint balling.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50Do you know, Cheryl's father, Joe,
0:39:50 > 0:39:57has just paint balled their entire stairs and landing in magnolia.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59What do you think of that, Slash?
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Here we come with the old champagne!
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Hello, Cheryl!
0:40:06 > 0:40:11Hey, someone help me to get this bloody cork out! Bend over, Norma.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14It's Denise! It's Denise!
0:40:17 > 0:40:20- DAVE:- Here's my girls now.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30There you go, Nana.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Oh...
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Oh!
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Oh...
0:40:37 > 0:40:41I've been waiting to meet you, sweetheart.
0:40:42 > 0:40:47She's beautiful. Beautiful, Denise.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54What are you going to call her?
0:40:54 > 0:41:00Well, myself and my partner and husband David...
0:41:00 > 0:41:06decided that there was only one possible name we could choose, and it's a very special name...
0:41:06 > 0:41:08We've called her Norma.
0:41:14 > 0:41:15Oh, Nana...
0:41:17 > 0:41:19She's beautiful.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21Beautiful.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Denise...
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Norma...Orchard...Tallulah...
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Porsche...Best.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31To baby Norma! Let's have a drink! Hooray!
0:41:31 > 0:41:33THEY ALL LAUGH AND CHEER
0:41:42 > 0:41:45- Push, will you!- I AM pushing! All push together.
0:41:45 > 0:41:50- Together.- It's no good pushing, there's a bloody big gap there!
0:41:50 > 0:41:54There's a gap in the expansion, you silly bugger!
0:41:54 > 0:41:56MUSIC: "I Wanna Be Like You" from The Jungle Book
0:41:56 > 0:42:01# I wanna walk like you Talk like you too-oo-oo
0:42:01 > 0:42:03# I see it's true-oo-oo
0:42:03 > 0:42:07# And ape like me
0:42:07 > 0:42:11# Can learn to be Hu-hu-human too-oo-oo. #
0:42:11 > 0:42:14NANA LAUGHS
0:42:14 > 0:42:16# Ya-ba-da-ba-doo-doo
0:42:16 > 0:42:18# Ya-ba-da-ba doo-doo-doo... #
0:42:23 > 0:42:26THEY SKAT
0:42:32 > 0:42:33Oh, Twiggy!
0:42:46 > 0:42:49RECORD: 'Gee, Cousin Louis, you're doin' real good.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52'Now, here's your part of the deal, cous...'
0:42:53 > 0:42:57Come on, Nana! Get your dancing shoes on.
0:42:59 > 0:43:01# Now don't try to kid me, mancub
0:43:01 > 0:43:03# I made a deal with you
0:43:03 > 0:43:06# What I desire is man's red fire
0:43:06 > 0:43:08# To make my dream come true... #
0:43:08 > 0:43:10TRUMPET PLAYS
0:43:20 > 0:43:21Hi, everyone.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24I'd like you to meet Solomon.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26All right, there, Solomon?
0:43:26 > 0:43:27Come on in, son.
0:43:27 > 0:43:30Hiya, pal.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33It's 12 o'clock, fellas! All down The Feathers.
0:43:33 > 0:43:35Come on, Solomon!
0:43:35 > 0:43:38Come on, pal, we get hammered.
0:43:38 > 0:43:41Solomon, lad, let your hair down, down the Feathers.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43You'll love it down there on a Saturday.
0:43:43 > 0:43:45Beverley Macca wears her Wonderbra.
0:43:45 > 0:43:48BALOO SKATS WITH KING LOUIS
0:44:18 > 0:44:22Trust Jim to leave me half-laminated.
0:44:22 > 0:44:26All I've ever dreamed of is being laminated throughout.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32Ooh, poor Solomon.
0:44:32 > 0:44:37Apparently he'd never even had one Snakebite, let alone ten.
0:44:37 > 0:44:41Do you remember, Mam, you used to love a Snakebite? What is it again?
0:44:41 > 0:44:45Is it half a cider and half a lager, or half a lager and half a ci...?
0:44:49 > 0:44:51Mam?
0:44:54 > 0:44:56Mam...?
0:44:59 > 0:45:02Mam!
0:45:02 > 0:45:04- BREAKING DOWN:- Mam...
0:45:07 > 0:45:09Mam!
0:45:09 > 0:45:12Mam!
0:45:12 > 0:45:13MAM!
0:45:16 > 0:45:20Jim! JIM!
0:45:20 > 0:45:24MUSIC: Scarlet Ribbons by Sinead O'Connor
0:45:25 > 0:45:30# ..to say good night
0:45:30 > 0:45:39# And I heard my child in prayer
0:45:39 > 0:45:49# And for me some scarlet ribbons
0:45:49 > 0:45:59# Scarlet ribbons for my hair
0:45:59 > 0:46:08# I peeped in and on her pillow HEART MONITOR BEEPS
0:46:08 > 0:46:11# On her pillow... #
0:46:11 > 0:46:14- You all right?- Nana?
0:46:14 > 0:46:16- Nana?- Mam?
0:46:16 > 0:46:19You all right, Nana?
0:46:19 > 0:46:27# All the stores were closed and shuttered
0:46:27 > 0:46:34# All the streets were dark and bare
0:46:34 > 0:46:43# In our town no scarlet ribbons
0:46:43 > 0:46:52# Scarlet ribbons for her hair
0:46:52 > 0:47:07# Through the night my heart was aching
0:47:07 > 0:47:16# Just before the dawn was breaking... #
0:47:16 > 0:47:18SHE SOBS
0:47:28 > 0:47:29Night, Nana.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31I love ya.
0:47:31 > 0:47:39# ..on her pillow lying there... #
0:47:41 > 0:47:42Bye, Nana.
0:47:44 > 0:47:49# ..scarlet ribbons
0:47:49 > 0:47:55# Scarlet ribbons for her hair
0:47:55 > 0:47:58HE SOBS
0:47:59 > 0:48:07# If I live to be a hundred... #
0:48:07 > 0:48:09Look after her, God.
0:48:14 > 0:48:15Please.
0:48:15 > 0:48:28# I will never know from where
0:48:28 > 0:48:38# Came those ribbons, scarlet ribbons
0:48:38 > 0:48:48# Scarlet ribbons for her hair. #
0:48:51 > 0:48:54PLAINTIVE IRISH PIPES PLAY
0:48:59 > 0:49:01HUSHED VOICES
0:49:01 > 0:49:02Hello, Father.
0:49:39 > 0:49:40I'm sorry.
0:49:42 > 0:49:44Come on, love.
0:49:44 > 0:49:46Let's just get through today, hey?
0:49:46 > 0:49:49That's what Norma would have wanted.
0:49:49 > 0:49:51Yeah.
0:49:51 > 0:49:56- Hey. A little miracle happened today, you know.- What?
0:49:56 > 0:49:59Our Denise got off her arse and made the buffet.
0:50:00 > 0:50:04But don't spread it around, love, or no bugger'll eat it.
0:50:04 > 0:50:06Except Cheryl.
0:50:12 > 0:50:15I tell you what though, Barb,
0:50:15 > 0:50:19I'd give all the bloody money in the world to have one more bloody row with her.
0:50:20 > 0:50:22Oh, Jim.
0:50:24 > 0:50:30# I stole the gold from your hair
0:50:30 > 0:50:35# I put the silver threads there
0:50:35 > 0:50:41# I don't know any way
0:50:41 > 0:50:45# I could ever repay
0:50:45 > 0:50:52# The pal of my cradle days. #
0:50:52 > 0:50:55- THEY CLAP Well done.- Nice one, Joe.
0:50:55 > 0:50:59She was alive right up till the end, wasn't she, Barbara?
0:50:59 > 0:51:02- Yeah.- I don't know how she did it. - No.
0:51:02 > 0:51:05It doesn't seem real, Mary.
0:51:06 > 0:51:11I can still see her warm, loving face...
0:51:11 > 0:51:15with that white head of curls twinkling up at me...
0:51:17 > 0:51:20..right there, where the sausage rolls are.
0:51:24 > 0:51:27What were her last words, Barbara?
0:51:27 > 0:51:31- Trevor McDonald.- Oh, Barbara!
0:51:31 > 0:51:34What a fitting tribute to the man.
0:51:34 > 0:51:36Yeah.
0:51:40 > 0:51:45Um...can I just say something?
0:51:45 > 0:51:49Um...Well, before Nana died
0:51:49 > 0:51:52she asked me promise her something.
0:51:52 > 0:51:55And she asked me to promise her
0:51:55 > 0:51:58that her funeral would be fun.
0:52:02 > 0:52:06- Dad?- Well, she's bloody right. We should be having a laugh here.
0:52:06 > 0:52:09Norma would have loved to have bloody been here.
0:52:09 > 0:52:12Let's have a toast. Raise your glass of Norma's favourite tipple,
0:52:12 > 0:52:18which, to be honest, could have been anything from the bloody off licence. God bless her.
0:52:18 > 0:52:21Norma Jean Speakman...
0:52:21 > 0:52:24has finally taken her stairlift to heaven!
0:52:24 > 0:52:26- To Norma!- To Norma!
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Just one other thing.
0:52:30 > 0:52:35Father Kennedy has thoughtfully given us Norma's ashes to take away,
0:52:35 > 0:52:38and they'll be cherished.
0:52:38 > 0:52:44And that's why they're getting pride of place in the Royle family household.
0:52:44 > 0:52:49Somewhere where we'll always be reminded of her.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54ALL: Awww!
0:53:09 > 0:53:11Dad! Oh!
0:53:12 > 0:53:14EVERYONE CLAPS
0:53:14 > 0:53:16To Norma! To Norma!
0:53:29 > 0:53:30Oh, I think I'm drunk!
0:53:35 > 0:53:37Hey, what the bloody hell is going on?!
0:53:37 > 0:53:40Go on! Get out of here!
0:53:41 > 0:53:43Go on, go on!
0:53:43 > 0:53:50- Come on, everybody. Come on.- >
0:53:50 > 0:53:51All right, love?
0:53:58 > 0:54:02Hey, Cheryl, are you still going out with that bloke with the beard?
0:54:04 > 0:54:06Solomon?
0:54:06 > 0:54:09No.
0:54:09 > 0:54:10I really liked him and...
0:54:12 > 0:54:15..I was prepared to change religion and...
0:54:15 > 0:54:17give up bacon for him,
0:54:17 > 0:54:19but...
0:54:19 > 0:54:23when it came to pork pies I couldn't make that commitment.
0:54:23 > 0:54:25So...
0:54:25 > 0:54:29I suppose the love wasn't strong enough.
0:54:29 > 0:54:32No-one should want you to change.
0:54:32 > 0:54:36I've always thought you were a little belter.
0:54:36 > 0:54:38- Come on!- >
0:54:38 > 0:54:41THEY SING "Is This The Way To Amarillo?"
0:54:54 > 0:54:57I want everyone singing along! Ready?
0:54:57 > 0:54:59Here we go.
0:54:59 > 0:55:07ALL: # I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad
0:55:07 > 0:55:15# She was a pearl and the only girl that Daddy ever had
0:55:15 > 0:55:19# A real old-fashioned girl with eyes so blue
0:55:19 > 0:55:22# One who really loves no-one but you
0:55:22 > 0:55:30# I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad
0:55:30 > 0:55:38# I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad
0:55:38 > 0:55:46# She was a pearl and the only girl that Daddy ever had
0:55:46 > 0:55:50# A real old-fashioned girl with eyes of blue
0:55:50 > 0:55:54# One who really loves no-one but you
0:55:54 > 0:55:58# I want a girl just like the girl
0:55:58 > 0:56:06# That mar-ried dear old Daa-aad! #
0:56:06 > 0:56:08THEY CHEER
0:56:08 > 0:56:11# So what do you say?
0:56:11 > 0:56:15# You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway
0:56:15 > 0:56:20# Half the world away
0:56:20 > 0:56:24# Half the world away
0:56:24 > 0:56:27# Half the world away
0:56:27 > 0:56:34# I been lost, I been found But I don't feel down
0:56:34 > 0:56:37# No, I don't feel down
0:56:37 > 0:56:39# No, I don't feel down... #
0:56:40 > 0:56:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006
0:56:43 > 0:56:46Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk