0:00:06 > 0:00:09# I would like to leave this city
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# This old town don't smell too pretty
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# And I can feel the warning signs
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# Running around my mind
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# So what do you say
0:00:25 > 0:00:30# You can't give me the dreams if they're mine anyway
0:00:30 > 0:00:34# Half the world away
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# Half the world away
0:00:38 > 0:00:42# Half the world away
0:00:42 > 0:00:44# I've been lost I've been found
0:00:44 > 0:00:47# But I don't feel down... #
0:00:51 > 0:00:54'Together they make up the egg heads.'
0:00:54 > 0:00:57JIM LAUGHS
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Jim!
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Will you stop knocking Nana with your nuts!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Aw!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Doesn't it look lovely, the tree, Jim?- Yeah.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10So glad we left it up from last year.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- That was our Denise's little tip, wasn't it?- Yeah.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18How many times are you going to look in the same bloody place?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- Well, it's my wedding ring, Jim! - I know, but it'll turn up!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Oh, Jim, you're going to have to cancel this repeat prescription,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27this bureau's full of pile cream!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Never mind about that, you worry about your ring
0:01:30 > 0:01:32and I'll worry about mine!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34JIM LAUGHS
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Oh, where can it be?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I haven't looked down the back of the sofa yet.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Oh, there's loads of stuff down here!
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- Any money down there, it'll be mine, you know, Barb.- Oh, oh, look!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Our Anthony's dummy! Oh bless.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Oh, scratchcard that hasn't been scratched.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58That's mine, that, Barb.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06- Oh! Look at that, Jim, an old drill.- Hey!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09That's Joe's. Put it back. I might want to use that one day!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13It's like the bloody Generation Game down the back of that sofa, Barb!
0:02:13 > 0:02:18- No fondue sets down there, is there? - No, it's not here.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20DOORBELL RINGS
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Get that, will you, Barb? - Yeah.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- Oh, Jim!- Sorry, Barb.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Aw!- Hiya, Mam.- Hiya, Denise.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- You all right?- Yeah. Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- Hiya, Dad. Hiya, Denise, Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- Oh, Denise.- Yeah. - I can't find my wedding ring.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Aw, it'll turn up.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01It meant a lot to me that ring, it took me three months to pay it off.
0:03:01 > 0:03:0436 weeks at one shilling and sixpence.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Yeah, you had to take a second job on to pay for that, didn't you?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Yeah, I was a machinist during the day
0:03:09 > 0:03:12and then I'd come home, get your dad's tea,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14put whatever channel he wanted on the telly,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18and then go out again to the school and clean for three hours.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- Yeah, those were the days, eh, Barb? - Yeah.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24We'd be watching the telly of a night
0:03:24 > 0:03:27and I'd just look across like that
0:03:27 > 0:03:31and she'd be fast asleep, the poor oul thing.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34So, I'd leave her there sometimes till 10
0:03:34 > 0:03:36or even 11 o'clock,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39but then I'd lean across and I used to whisper,
0:03:39 > 0:03:43"Come on, Barb. Come on, Barbara, love.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46"You fell asleep in your chair again.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"You know what time it is? It's time.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- "It's time for me supper.- Aw!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- 'Is that your answer?- Yeah. - It is the right answer, Judith...'
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Have you had your tea?- Yeah.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- What did you have?- Chops.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Chops, oh, how lovely! Lamb or pork?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I don't mean chops, I mean chips.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Little Norma made 'em.- Oh!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I got her a little stool, so she can reach the chip pan.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20What a good idea!
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Well, when you've got kids, you've got to think, safety first.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Oh, you have, Denise.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27That's why I make 'em wear fluorescent jackets,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30when I send them to the off-licence at night.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh yes, safety first.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37They're at that dead cheeky stage now.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Keep saying things like, "I hate you"
0:04:39 > 0:04:41and "I wish I'd never been born!"
0:04:41 > 0:04:43THEY LAUGH
0:04:43 > 0:04:45What are they like?
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Oh, Denise, where's Dave?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Oh, he's not here.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- Jim, Dave's not here.- Who?- David.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04David, Denise's husband.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Oh, Dave, yeah! Where is Dave, Denise?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Erm, He's had to go somewhere. - Oh.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15You should have said earlier, I could have been missing him.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19You know, I thought there was more room on the sofa!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Where's he gone?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- Who?- Dave.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Erm... He's at a... conference.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30A conference? Dave? Oh, Denise!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32You must be so proud!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35A conference? Dave? He's a bloody removal man!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38What does he want a conference for?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41How many are at this conference, Denise?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Just Dave.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, just Dave. Oh, that's nice.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49JIM LAUGHS
0:05:50 > 0:05:55That's not a bloody conference! That's just Dave talking to himself!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57And where are they having this conference, eh?
0:05:57 > 0:06:02- In his van?- Jim, why can't you be happy for Dave's conference?
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Anyway, that's how conferences start, with one person!
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Does anyone want a cup of tea? I'm going to put a brew on.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24Oh, Jim. She's not herself. Something's the matter.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Mam! Where are the mugs?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31In the top cupboard.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Mam. Where do you keep the milk?
0:06:36 > 0:06:40In the fridge.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Mam. How much milk do you put in the mugs?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Oh, I'll go and help her.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52'Oh, you're doing well, you've got the mugs out.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54'That's good.'
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- So, THAT'S how much milk you put in. - Oh, right!
0:07:05 > 0:07:10- Are you all right, Denise? - Yeah, yeah.- Are you sure?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Yeah.- You know you can tell me anything, don't you?
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- Well, me and Dave have been having problems in the bedroom.- Oh, Denise!
0:07:18 > 0:07:23- Is the wallpaper peeling off again? - No, no, not that.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- Well, you know Dave?- Yeah, Dave. - Well, you know Dave's dickie?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Yeah, Dave's dickie. - Well, it's broken.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Dave's dickie's broken? - That's where he is, really.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38- He's took it to the doctors. - Oh, Denise, what's happened to it?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Well... don't know how to say it, really...
0:07:42 > 0:07:45well, you know when little David had that bouncy castle
0:07:45 > 0:07:50- and he tried all day to inflate it, but it wouldn't go up?- Yeah.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Well, that's what happened to Dave. - Oh, poor Dave's dickie.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58- You'll have to get it sorted, what with Christmas coming on.- Yeah.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I had to talk him into going to the doctors,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04he's really embarrassed about it.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Oh, was he?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Yeah, he didn't want to show it to the doctor
0:08:07 > 0:08:10so he took a photo of it on his mobile phone,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- but that's caused upset.- Why?
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Well, he thought he'd sent his mam a photo of the kids.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Oh, no, Denise! Poor Jocelyn,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- having Dave's dickie in her inbox. - I know.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- I- wish your dad's dickie was broken.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- He can be a real nuisance with his. - Yeah.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- Are you sure Dave hasn't been overworking it?- No.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Well, not that I know of.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20- And he hasn't trapped it in the George Foreman grill again?- No.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23You don't think it's something psychological, do you?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26What, with Dave? No.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Do you know what?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Your dad may have some advice on this.- Don't tell me dad!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35No, no, Denise.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Your dad's very fond of David, I know he can take the mickey,
0:09:39 > 0:09:43but he can be very sensitive, your father, when he needs to be.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- Do you think so?- Yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- All right. I'll finish the brew. - Yeah.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04JIM LAUGHS
0:10:05 > 0:10:07HE LAUGHS
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Jim! Grow up!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11HE LAUGHS
0:10:12 > 0:10:16I don't need a present this year, that's my present!
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Wait till the lads in The Feathers hear about this!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Dad!- Jim, enough!
0:10:23 > 0:10:24I told Denise out there
0:10:24 > 0:10:27that you would handle Dave's dickie sensitively.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29HE LAUGHS
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Oh, Jim! This is serious, this is! He's not at a conference.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34He's taken it to the doctors.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38HE LAUGHS HARDER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Has he tried bathing it in milk?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44HE HOOTS AND LAUGHS
0:10:47 > 0:10:50In milk?! Bloody hell, Barb!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52It's not smoked haddock!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54HE LAUGHS
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I hope he hasn't worn it out.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59They don't have a very long shelf life, these things, you know.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01It hasn't got a best before date
0:11:01 > 0:11:03stamped on the end of it, has it, Denise?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05DENISE TUTS
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Aw, I could hear him upstairs last night,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12trying to start it up while Songs of Praise was on.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13What were they singing?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15# Stand up, stand up
0:11:15 > 0:11:17# For Jesus! #
0:11:17 > 0:11:19THEY GIGGLE
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- DOORBELL RINGS - That'll be Dave.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Get that, will you, Barb? That'll be Mr Softy!
0:11:27 > 0:11:28- DENISE GASPS - Jim!- Dad!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I told him I wouldn't tell anyone!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Jim! You, zip it!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35All right, all right!
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- Hiya, Dave.- Hiya, Barbara.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- You all right?- Yeah. Hiya, Jim.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Hiya, Dave!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- Hiya, Denise.- Hiya, Dave.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Dave, FLOP yourself down there.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- HE STIFLES LAUGH - How did the conference go, Dave?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Oh, all right, yeah.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- HE CHUCKLES - What was it about, Dave?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Just the usual conference stuff, you know.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Just the usual, eh?
0:12:03 > 0:12:07I tell you what, I'll bet you were bored STIFF, weren't you?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- I was, yeah. - The main thing is, Dave,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- always keep your pecker up.- Mmmm.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16HE CHUCKLES
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Do you need a cushion or anything, Dave?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25I'm all right, thanks, Barbara.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Do you fancy a brew, Dave?
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- Ooh, yes, please. - I'll put the kettle on.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Jim!
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Oh, hey, Dave? Did anything POP UP at the conference?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41No, not really.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Jim, whose is this fiver on the table?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Fiver? Hang on, Barb. I think that might be mine.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Where is it?- There isn't a fiver.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59They need their privacy. They don't need you listening in!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01HE GROANS
0:13:03 > 0:13:06How did you get on at the doctors, Dave?
0:13:06 > 0:13:12- Oh, he says he sees this problem a lot in the North West.- Does he?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- Yeah, he's told me to keep my eye on it.- Oh.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20He said it might be stress-related.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22What are you stressed about?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25It's probably the conference.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- We made that up. - Oh, yeah. We did, yeah.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- HE CHUCKLES - Dave? Dave?
0:13:33 > 0:13:38Would you like a nice cup of tea, or would you like a coffee?
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Or maybe you prefer something a little bit stiffer?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44HE CHUCKLES
0:13:44 > 0:13:46A cup of tea, please, Jim.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Tell you what, though, Denise.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53I'm glad your dad doesn't know about it.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56If he knew, he wouldn't HALF take the Mickey.
0:14:01 > 0:14:08# Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
0:14:08 > 0:14:13# Jack Frost nipping at your nose... #
0:14:13 > 0:14:1910, 20, 30, 40
0:14:19 > 0:14:2350, 60...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25HE CHUCKLES
0:14:25 > 0:14:31..70, 80, 90, 100!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33HE CHUCKLES
0:14:38 > 0:14:39- All right, love?- Yeah.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I think I've gone over the top with presents this year.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Then again, if you can't spoil your family at Christmas, when can you?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Two hours in Poundland, I was.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I think I've got it all now, though.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Look at these four, Barb!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58All that's missing's a bloody cauldron!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Hey, you know who was in there?- Who?
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- Dandruff Derek.- Who?- Dandruff Derek,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06you know, he's got a moustache just there.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Where else would you have a moustache, Barb?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Oh, he was looking at the head and shoulders.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14I usually feel sorry for him with all that dandruff
0:15:14 > 0:15:17but it does look nice at Christmas.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19You know, it's like the first drops of snow.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22You ought to put him in one of those globes
0:15:22 > 0:15:24that you shake up and put on the bloody mantelpiece.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26THEY CHUCKLE
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- Oh, eh - you've missed HER while you've been out.- Who?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Her who's moved in next door, bloody cadging Carol.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Oh, what did she want this time?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- A toilet roll!- Toilet roll?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Aye! A full bloody one and all,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- I gave her 'alf a one and said, "Use both bloody sides."- Jim!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Well, we'll never get it back! - Well, we don't want it back, do we,
0:15:44 > 0:15:45if they've wiped their bottoms on it.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Do you know what, Barb, sometimes I give up on you.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Oh...
0:15:49 > 0:15:53I feel dead sorry for her with all them kids to look after.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Yeah, and all with different fathers, eh?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Jim, you don't know that.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01I don't know that? One's English, one's Chinese and one's Indian.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03It's like the bloody Olympic Village next door.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Oh, hiya, Joe.- Hi, Barbara.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- You all right, J?- Ah, you know, I'm not bad.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Any news on Dave's dicky?- No.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- Oh, I've got a get well card for it, from Cheryl.- Oh, no.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25You've got to keep it to yourself, Joe. He's trying to keep it private.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Aye, that's what I was telling them all in The Fellas last night.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Yeah. They were very sensitive about it in the hairdresser's.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Sensitive, my arse. Dave's the only one who won't talk about it!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I had them laughing their bloody heads off in the newsagents this morning.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41JOE CHUCKLES LOUDLY
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- Found your ring yet, Barbara?- No. - Checked your finger?- Yeah.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51I was telling Barbara SHE was round before on the borrow again.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Bloody cadging Carol.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Oh, she came round to my house to borrow my drill.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58I must have lent it to somebody, but I can't remember who.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02See, that's the trouble, Joe. People have got no respect for other people's bloody property these days.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- I think I...- No, Barbara, no respect at all.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14Oh, Joe, how's your Cheryl's new job going at the hospice?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Oh, she loves it, yeah. Yeah.- Ah.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21She's been helping with all the Christmas dinners all week.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- Oh, ain't she good?- Because a lot of them can't finish a big meal.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- Aw.- Aye, she's put on a stone and a half.- Oh.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31JIM LAUGHS
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I don't see much of her nowadays.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36She's saved up and bought herself a fridge freezer for her bedroom.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- Cheryl? Has she?- She's 36 now.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- You know, she wants a bit of independence.- Of course she does.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- Anyway, I've got something to announce.- Oh, what is it, Joe?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- My girlfriend.- Ah!
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Have you got a girlfriend?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- No, but I put in for one. - How do you mean, Joe?
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Well, I've put an advert in the paper in the lonely hearts section.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- I'm going to audition them all and then pick the best one. - Bloody hell, Joe!
0:18:08 > 0:18:13It's not the X Factor! How many do you think are going to turn up?
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Eh, we won't have to rope off the street, will we?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- What does it say in your ad, Joe? - Well, I'll go and get it, shall I?
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Oh, yeah. Yeah.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27He's going bloody worse, he'll be round the bloody twist.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Oh, don't say that, Jim.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34We've got One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest over on that side, the bloody Borrowers on that bloody side.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37And don't go blurting out about that drill, will you, Barb?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Well, you never use it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42You wouldn't even lend it to cadging Carol the other day.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Because I'd never have got the bugger back if I had, would I?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- What about Joe with the lonely hearts?- Aw.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53He's quite a catch, Joe.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Quite a catch?!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57He sits watching Police, Camera, Action!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59with his arm around his bloody dead wife in an urn.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02He's got a 36-year-old daughter upstairs in the bedroom with
0:19:02 > 0:19:04her head stuck in the bloody fridge freezer.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06You think he's quite a catch?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- DOOR CLOSES - Look out, here he is. He's back.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- Hi, Barbara.- Hi, Joe. - All right, Joe?- All right, Jim?
0:19:19 > 0:19:26- Are you going to read it us?- What? - Your advert in the paper?- Oh!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Aye! Aye.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Right. I've put the heading, "Vacant Lady Wanted."
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- "Vacant lady required for mature widow."- Oh, that sounds good.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50"Interests - Police, Camera, Action!, Embarrassing Bodies, and Eggheads.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54"In good health, apart from the occasional irritable bowel."
0:19:55 > 0:20:00- Why don't you just send a stool sample and be done with it?- (Jim.)
0:20:00 > 0:20:04"And slight psoriasis." In brackets, "one elbow only."
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- Bloody hell, Joe.- 'Own "ar,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"tax up to date, slight crack in wing mirror."
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Is this going in the Evening News or in the bloody Auto Trader?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15"Looking for fun, friendship and, hopefully,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17"occasional intimate encounters.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- "To be agreed upon."- Agreed upon?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Bloody hell, Joe!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- I'd never get my leg over if Barbara had to agree to it.- Jim!
0:20:28 > 0:20:33- I think that sounds lovely, Joe. - Oh, thanks, Barbara.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Right, I'd better be off.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38I said I'd defrost our Cheryl's fridge freezer this afternoon.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43- Bye, Barbara.- Bye, Joe. - See you, Jim.- Tara, Joe.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Oh, Joe, let me know if you want me
0:20:44 > 0:20:47to send Barbara round to, er, man the phone lines.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50What's he like?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52What's he like? WE know what he's like.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55It's the poor vacant lady I feel sorry for.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58All she's got to look forward to is one cracked wing mirror
0:20:58 > 0:20:59and one cracked pot.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09# Oh the weather outside is frightful
0:21:09 > 0:21:12# But the fire is so delightful
0:21:12 > 0:21:16# And since we've no place to go
0:21:16 > 0:21:19# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... #
0:21:19 > 0:21:24- How's your mum's dog, Dave? Is it still gay?- Yeah.- Aw.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Will it still only eat quiche?- Yeah.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35'By revealing ambitious plans and a flourishing revenue stream...'
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- I love Dragons' Den, me.- Yeah.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41What do you think the best invention that's ever been is?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- ALL:- The telly!
0:21:44 > 0:21:45- BARBARA AND DENISE:- Yeah.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50I think it's the corned beef key because until they invented that,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53how would anybody know what corned beef tasted like?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Oh, Dave, yeah, I agree.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I bet the sales of corned beef went through the roof
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- when they invented that. - Oh, yeah.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- What would you have invented, Mam? - Oh, erm...
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- the George Foreman Grill.- Oh!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13George Foreman invented that, Barbara.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15There's a clue there in the name.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Why don't you buggers all go on Dragons' Den
0:22:17 > 0:22:19and take the wheel with you?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Oh, Jim, no wonder nothing ever gets invented in this house.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I bet Isaac Newtown had the same problem
0:22:26 > 0:22:29when he invented that, erm...that gravity thingy.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Keep didn't invent gravity!
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- Well, who did?- No-one! It was always there, wasn't it?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38He just bloody spotted it when the apple fell from the tree.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Well, how did the apples fall from the tree before gravity,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44then, know-all?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- I give up with you buggers. - I give up with you, Jim.- Oh.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Dave's got a great invention, haven't you, Dave?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Oh, have you, Dave?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Yeah.- What is it?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Unlosable keys.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02- 'The key's that you can never lose.' - Oh, Dave. I bet that'll take off.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- People are always losing their keys. - How does that work, Dave?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I don't know. That bit's up in the air at the moment.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12That's why I have to get the Dragons involved.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Hopefully, they'll come up with that bit.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- He's thought it all through, haven't you, Dave?- Oh, yeah.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22And we're looking for £100,000 investment
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- for 20% stake in my company. - Oh, yeah.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29He can't fail.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33I'd be quite happy with 80% share of the unlosable key market.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Then, after a couple of years, we'd be looking to move into other
0:23:39 > 0:23:44losable areas, you know, like jewellery, credit cards, odd socks.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46The list of things you can lose is endless.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48You want to add marbles to that list,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- Dave, because you've definitely lost yours!- Oh, ignore him, Dave.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53I think it's a good idea.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I wish you'd set it up before I lost my ring.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Well, I've got no trouble finding my ring.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03And for that reason, I'm 'oot.'
0:24:03 > 0:24:05I wish you were.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17- Are you all right, Mam? - No, I'm not.- What's the matter?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20When I went in the newsagents today, he said,
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"I bet your having a good Christmas, aren't you?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24"What with Jim's winnings."
0:24:25 > 0:24:30It only turns out that your dad has won £100 on the scratchcard
0:24:30 > 0:24:35- that I found down the back of the sofa!- £100?- Yeah.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40Dave, it turns out that me dad's won £100 from the scratchcard me mam
0:24:40 > 0:24:42found down the back of the sofa.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45£100 from a scratchcard that your mam found down the back of the sofa?
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- Yeah. - What did you say to the newsagent?
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Well, I cracked on I knew, but deep down I was fuming.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Selfish and mean, your dad, that's what he is.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Do you know what he did the other day?- No.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Well, he answered the door and it was the paperboy with
0:25:01 > 0:25:04the built-up shoe looking for his Christmas tip.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Your dad told him he didn't live here,
0:25:07 > 0:25:08he was just visiting,
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- and he shut the door in his face. - He didn't, did he?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14The lad shouted back through the letterbox,
0:25:14 > 0:25:19"Well, you must visit a lot because you said the same thing last year, you'd tightfisted old fart!"
0:25:19 > 0:25:20DENISE GASPS
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- Well, he's right as well.- Yeah.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26All he does is sit moaning all day at the telly
0:25:26 > 0:25:28and knocking your nana with his nuts.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Well, haven't you tackled him about this money, Mam?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I'm waiting to see if HE tells ME.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34TOILET FLUSHES
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Oh, I don't know why I'm so upset about it.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- He's done this sort of thing all his life.- Yeah.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43You'll have to open that bathroom window if you go up there, Barb.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Them nuts have gone right bloody through me.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47HE SIGHS
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh.- Oh.- Mm?- Eh?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I wonder who that can be.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56DOORBELL RINGS
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Woo hoo, it's only me!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Cadging Carol from next door.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Don't let her in, Barb!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN
0:26:06 > 0:26:07(Sh, sh!)
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Do you think she's gone? - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17BANGING ON WINDOW
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Hiya! You couldn't let us in, could you?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I'm freezing my bollocks off out 'ere!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Hiya, Barbara.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Hi, Carol, I'm sorry we couldn't hear you
0:26:31 > 0:26:35- when you kept ringing the bell. - Hiya, Denise.- Hiya, Carol.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- All right, Dave, darling? - Hiya, Carol.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Hiya, my Jimbo! - Hello there, Carol.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Oh, Dragons' Den.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Where are the kids, Carol?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- Are they not with you?- No, I got shot of the little buggers.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54- I packed 'em all off to their dads, whether they wanted them or not.- Aw.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57So, are you going to be on your own for Christmas?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Christmas time is ME time in my house.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- What's ME time, Carol? - I'm having a proper night in.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I've got a two litre bottle of cider
0:27:05 > 0:27:08AND I've borrowed a giant Toblerone from Cheryl's fridge freezer.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12I'm going to take my control pants off and let the good times roll.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- You know how to live it up, don't you, Carol?- I certainly do!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18AND I'm going to borrow the Best Of TOWIE DVD
0:27:18 > 0:27:21that our Milo borrowed from WH Smiths.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22I say borrowed.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26He nicked it, really, but that's broken Britain for you, in't it?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- ALL:- Yeah.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- I am on the borrow myself, actually, Barbara.- Oh, go away!
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- You couldn't lend us some cranberry sauce for me Christmas dinner, could you?- Oh, yeah.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40You've not got a bit of turkey to go with it, have ya?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Can be very moist on its own, cranberry sauce.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I haven't cooked it yet.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Well, just cut us a couple of legs off. That'll do.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51You couldn't chuck us in a couple of wings and all, could you,
0:27:51 > 0:27:53and a nice bit of breast?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Just save us the bloodied Parson's nose, will you, Barb?!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59A bit of veg wouldn't go amiss if you've got any spare, you know.
0:27:59 > 0:28:04- Just some spuds and sprouts. And maybe a parsnip or two.- OK.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Don't worry about the gravy, though, Barbara.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10- I don't want to put you to any trouble.- Oh, are you sure?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Christmas is a right palaver, in't it?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17All this stuff you have to get in for just one day.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19I'll need to go to Aldi again.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I'll need to get to get some more food in for us now.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Here, I'll never eat all of this.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33I'll tell you what, it makes much more sense if I come round here.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36I don't think I've got enough in, Carol.
0:28:36 > 0:28:41- Well, do you want to borrow these then, Barbara?- Oh, I don't know...
0:28:41 > 0:28:42Are you sure?
0:28:42 > 0:28:46If I'm coming for Christmas dinner, it's the least I can do.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48I won't have another word said.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Aw, thanks, Carol.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54You are welcome, Barbara.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57- 'Tis Christmas after all, in't it? - Yeah.
0:28:58 > 0:29:03- Right, well, I'll see you all on Christmas Day, then.- Tara, love.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09What the bloody hell did you invite her for Christmas dinner for?!
0:29:10 > 0:29:12- I didn't know I had. - BANGING ON WINDOW
0:29:12 > 0:29:14Eh, are these yours?
0:29:14 > 0:29:17CAROL LAUGHS
0:29:18 > 0:29:23- She is a terrible mother, she is, in't she?- Yeah.- Mm.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Where your kids, Denise?
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Oh, Dave.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36- We forgot to pick them up from school.- Oh, no.
0:29:36 > 0:29:40- They'll be at the headmaster's house again now, won't they?- Yeah.
0:29:40 > 0:29:45- We'd better go. See you, Mam. - See you, Denise.- See you, Dad.
0:29:45 > 0:29:52- Tara, Denise.- See you, Barbara. - Bye, Dave.- See you, Jim.- Tara, Dave.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04I've lost me keys.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16MUSIC: "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas" by Perry Como
0:30:24 > 0:30:28# It's beginning to look A lot like Christmas
0:30:29 > 0:30:33# Everywhere you go
0:30:33 > 0:30:35# Take a look in the five-and-ten. #
0:30:35 > 0:30:36Is that you, Barbara?
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Oh!
0:30:38 > 0:30:40Hello, is that you, Joe?
0:30:40 > 0:30:42What are you doing down there?
0:30:43 > 0:30:47I thought my ring might be stuck in the U bend, so...
0:30:50 > 0:30:51Just checking it.
0:30:56 > 0:30:57Oh, no, it's not there.
0:30:58 > 0:30:59Oh!
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Oh, look what I've found.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06A cotton bud with nana's earwax on it.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Oh.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11I wonder which ear it was?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Sadly, we'll never know.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20Oh, Joe, how are you going on about your vacant ladies?
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Have you had any replies yet?
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Oh, aye, I've had a few.
0:31:24 > 0:31:25Oh, that's good.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Aye, except I got one from a bloke called Brian.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Oh! Was he a gay?
0:31:30 > 0:31:33No, no, he just wanted to mend the crack in my wing mirror.
0:31:33 > 0:31:34Oh, Joe!
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Anyway, look, I saw Jim leave, and I thought I'd take
0:31:41 > 0:31:44the opportunity to have a private word with you.
0:31:44 > 0:31:45Oh?
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Yeah. I need a bit of advice.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51It's a long time since I dated a vacant lady,
0:31:51 > 0:31:53and I'm a bit rusty.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Oh, right, well.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57Ask away, Joe.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01Well, I made a checklist. Would you go through it with me?
0:32:01 > 0:32:04A checklist? That's good planning, Joe. Go on.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Outfits.
0:32:06 > 0:32:07OK, number one.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12Should I wear a cardigan, a casual shirt and tie,
0:32:12 > 0:32:15or a cardigan, formal shirt and tie,
0:32:15 > 0:32:18or a cardigan, casual shirt and no tie,
0:32:18 > 0:32:21or a cardigan, formal shirt and no tie?
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Does the cardigan have to feature in every outfit, Joe?
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Oh, hang on a minute. Let me have a look.
0:32:32 > 0:32:33Yes.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Oh, right.
0:32:35 > 0:32:41Er, well, I'd go for cardigan, formal shirt and tie.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Oh, right, OK.
0:32:43 > 0:32:44Like I've got on now?
0:32:44 > 0:32:45Yeah.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48Right. I'll just cross the others off, then.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Number two.
0:32:54 > 0:32:55Aftershave.
0:32:55 > 0:32:56Oh!
0:32:56 > 0:33:00Old Spice, Brut, or Hai Karate?
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Why don't you put a bit of all three on, Joe?
0:33:05 > 0:33:06I'm not sure about that, Barbara.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08I don't want them to think a bit of a player.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11I don't think they'll think that, Joe.
0:33:11 > 0:33:12Do you not?
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Right, then. All three it is, then!
0:33:16 > 0:33:19Nothing wrong with a bit of pizzazz, I suppose!
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Okey-dokey, number three.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27Small present on first greeting.
0:33:27 > 0:33:28Oh.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Chocolates, flowers, or a gift token?
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Oh, I don't think a gift token, Joe.
0:33:32 > 0:33:37Oh, that's a shame, because I got one from B&Q for my birthday,
0:33:37 > 0:33:39and it runs out of the end of this month.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43I think a vacant lady would probably prefer flowers
0:33:43 > 0:33:45to a voucher from B&Q, Joe.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Right.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48Flowers it is, then!
0:33:50 > 0:33:53That's it, that's the checklist over.
0:33:53 > 0:33:57Oh, so, Joe, what are you going to do on your first date?
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Well, I've had a great idea.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03And I was hoping you could help me.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Of course I will. What is it?
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Well, I was thinking...
0:34:09 > 0:34:12MUSIC: "I'm Just A Gigolo" by Louis Prima
0:34:12 > 0:34:14# I'm just a gigolo
0:34:14 > 0:34:16# And everywhere I go
0:34:16 > 0:34:18# People know the part I'm playin'. #
0:34:18 > 0:34:20Food's lovely here, isn't it, Doreen?
0:34:22 > 0:34:24I come here often!
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Would you like some more bread?
0:34:30 > 0:34:32No, thank you, Barbara.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37Oh. Well, I'll leave it there, just in case you change your mind.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Oh, serviettes!
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Oh, Jim's undies!
0:34:51 > 0:34:53Doreen, I'm so sorry!
0:34:53 > 0:34:57At least they're clean. Should have seen them before I washed them.
0:34:57 > 0:34:58Skid city!
0:35:01 > 0:35:03Doreen.
0:35:03 > 0:35:04Doreen!
0:35:06 > 0:35:07Bradley Wiggins!
0:35:21 > 0:35:25I've recently invested in some stool softener, Sharon.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Two for one from Boots, if you're interested.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30No, I'm not.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Do you know Bradley Wiggins?
0:35:48 > 0:35:49Bradley Wiggins!
0:36:15 > 0:36:16That's the MOT certificate.
0:36:18 > 0:36:19That's the insurance documents.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24And I'm taxed up to and including September.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33Do you know Bradley Wiggins?
0:36:35 > 0:36:36No, no.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Mmm!
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Well, it's not as flaky in the summer,
0:37:18 > 0:37:20but it itches all year round.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25Barbara's mother had psoriasis before she expired.
0:37:27 > 0:37:31She spent her last days bedridden, right where we are now.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33In fact, where you're sat,
0:37:33 > 0:37:36that's where her waste baggage was for her urine.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Another glass of wine, Brenda?
0:37:40 > 0:37:44I don't need a glass of wine. I need a barrelful to stay here!
0:37:44 > 0:37:46You're a bloody headcase! I'm off!
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Is everything all right?
0:37:50 > 0:37:51No! He's a bloody nutter!
0:37:53 > 0:37:57A first date at a neighbour's house? He's got chops stuck on his face!
0:37:57 > 0:38:01He is showing me photos of his dead wife, his MOT certificate
0:38:01 > 0:38:03and his bloody psoriasis!
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Well, go on! Bugger off, then!
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Don't worry, I'm going!
0:38:07 > 0:38:09Sod off, you desperate old cow!
0:38:09 > 0:38:11The whole lot of you, if I'm lucky enough!
0:38:12 > 0:38:14DOOR SLAMS
0:38:18 > 0:38:20I'll put her on the maybe list, shall I?
0:38:20 > 0:38:23Have you got a not-a-cat-in-hell's-chance list?
0:38:23 > 0:38:24At least the ads are working!
0:38:24 > 0:38:27Working? One of them looked as though she'd ate her last date,
0:38:27 > 0:38:30one of them had bigger balls than me, and the other one had no teeth!
0:38:30 > 0:38:32She was half an hour sucking on the bread roll!
0:38:32 > 0:38:35First time I've seen Barbara liquidise a bloody chop!
0:38:37 > 0:38:39I'm not doing too well, am I?
0:38:39 > 0:38:40Oh, let's not give up, Joe.
0:38:41 > 0:38:45If anyone deserves a vacant lady, it's you.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Maybe it's just not meant to be.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50Oh, come on, Joe, lad. Don't be like that.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52Where's the old Dunkirk spirit?
0:38:53 > 0:38:54I know!
0:38:54 > 0:38:58We need to raise our game. We need to change our tactics.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00This calls for military precision!
0:39:00 > 0:39:03We need to bring out the big guns!
0:39:03 > 0:39:06So, gather round, comrades...
0:39:07 > 0:39:10MUSIC: Theme from "The Great Escape" by Elmer Bernstein
0:40:50 > 0:40:51How do you pronounce your name?
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Philomena.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55How do you pronounce yours?
0:40:55 > 0:40:56Joe.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Joe. Oh, it rolls off the tongue!
0:41:03 > 0:41:04Mmm!
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Your teeth look very realistic, Philomeno.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13Thank you, Joe.
0:41:13 > 0:41:14Top and bottom pallet, is it?
0:41:14 > 0:41:15Yes.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Yeah.
0:41:17 > 0:41:18Very realistic.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Hello, Philomena.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Would you like a triangle of bread?
0:41:32 > 0:41:36Oh, how lovely! I love triangles!
0:41:36 > 0:41:39I love anything triangular!
0:41:39 > 0:41:42Aren't Philomena's teeth realistic, Jim?
0:41:42 > 0:41:45Why don't you pass them around, Joe? We can all have a look!
0:41:48 > 0:41:52Help yourself to the Reggie Reggie source, Philomena.
0:41:52 > 0:41:53Enjoy.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05(CLEARS THROAT)
0:42:09 > 0:42:11Have you any hobbits, Philomeno?
0:42:13 > 0:42:14Hobbits?
0:42:14 > 0:42:17Oh, no, no. Have you any hobbies, Philomena?
0:42:19 > 0:42:22Let me have a little think about that. Hold on.
0:42:22 > 0:42:23Hobbies.
0:42:27 > 0:42:28No.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30What about you, Joe?
0:42:30 > 0:42:31No.
0:42:31 > 0:42:34Oh, we've got so much in common!
0:42:34 > 0:42:35Yes.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41Oh, have you any general chit chat, Philopastry?
0:42:41 > 0:42:44Well, yes, I did have a little general chit chat,
0:42:44 > 0:42:46but I used it up on the bus on the way here.
0:42:46 > 0:42:48Oh, that's a shame. I could have joined in.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56Oh, what star sign you, Filet-o-fish?
0:42:56 > 0:42:58I'm a Libra.
0:42:58 > 0:42:59A Libra?
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Well, what a coincidence.
0:43:02 > 0:43:07My wife, Mary - she's dead at the moment - she was a Libra.
0:43:07 > 0:43:08My late husband was a leprechaun.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10A leprechaun?
0:43:10 > 0:43:12A little fellow with ginger hair?
0:43:12 > 0:43:15No, sorry. I meant Capricorn.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17He's dead at the moment, too.
0:43:17 > 0:43:18He expired very suddenly.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Philadelphia.
0:43:22 > 0:43:23And how did he die?
0:43:23 > 0:43:27He was a scaffolder. He fell off a roof.
0:43:27 > 0:43:28Four storeys up, he was.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30Oh, dear me!
0:43:30 > 0:43:32He was a big fan of...
0:43:33 > 0:43:34..alcohol.
0:43:35 > 0:43:38So he didn't feel a thing. He was drunk, thank God.
0:43:38 > 0:43:43He was afraid of heights, you see, so he needed a skinful to get up there.
0:43:43 > 0:43:45Vernon was his name.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47Not Vertigo Vernon, the scaffolder?
0:43:47 > 0:43:50Yes, that's him! Did you know him?
0:43:50 > 0:43:53Well, he used to go into the Feathers, didn't he?
0:43:53 > 0:43:54Only when he was alive.
0:44:02 > 0:44:06Would you like something from the cheeseboard, Philomena?
0:44:06 > 0:44:10We've got Dairylea, Cheestrings, squeezy Primula
0:44:10 > 0:44:12and a few Kraft cheese slices.
0:44:12 > 0:44:14Oh.
0:44:14 > 0:44:18Someone's had a nibble of that one, but it'll only be one of us.
0:44:18 > 0:44:21Have you got any stilton, Barbara?
0:44:21 > 0:44:23Oh, no, I'm sorry.
0:44:25 > 0:44:28Would you like a bite of Dairylea and a smell of Jim's socks?
0:44:37 > 0:44:39Pop a little Dairylea there.
0:44:39 > 0:44:40Thank you very much.
0:44:42 > 0:44:44Would you like another glass of Lambrusco to go
0:44:44 > 0:44:46with your Dairylea, Philomena?
0:44:46 > 0:44:47Yes, please, Joe.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55Well...
0:44:55 > 0:44:57here's to a lovely first date.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59The first of many, I hope.
0:44:59 > 0:45:00The first of many, I'm sure.
0:45:02 > 0:45:03To you.
0:45:03 > 0:45:04No.
0:45:04 > 0:45:06To you.
0:45:06 > 0:45:07Here's to both of us.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14They're getting on like a house on fire!
0:45:15 > 0:45:17Hope it works.
0:45:17 > 0:45:20So do I. It's cost me two dozen bloody chops up to now!
0:45:22 > 0:45:25Hey, dad, your plan's worked!
0:45:25 > 0:45:27I love it when a plan comes together!
0:45:27 > 0:45:29Well done, team!
0:45:29 > 0:45:31All for one...
0:45:31 > 0:45:33ALL: ..and one for all!
0:45:38 > 0:45:40Listen, he's singing to her!
0:45:41 > 0:45:47# Save your love, my darling Save your love
0:45:47 > 0:45:51# For summer nights With moon and stars above
0:45:53 > 0:45:56# A serenade I long to sing you
0:45:56 > 0:45:59# The reddest rose I always bring you
0:46:00 > 0:46:04# Save your love for Roma And for me
0:46:05 > 0:46:09# Darling, I will love you endlessly
0:46:11 > 0:46:15# Even though you're far away From me
0:46:17 > 0:46:20# I can't forget the words I told you
0:46:20 > 0:46:23# How it felt to love and hold you
0:46:23 > 0:46:28# Love like ours will last eternally
0:46:29 > 0:46:34# Save your love, my darling, save your love
0:46:35 > 0:46:39# For summer nights With moon and stars above
0:46:40 > 0:46:44# A serenade I long to sing you
0:46:44 > 0:46:47# The reddest rose I'll always bring you
0:46:47 > 0:46:53# Save your love for Roma and for me
0:46:53 > 0:46:57# Save your love, my darling save your love
0:46:59 > 0:47:03# For summer nights With moon and stars above
0:47:05 > 0:47:08# A serenade I long to sing you
0:47:08 > 0:47:11# The reddest rose I'll always bring you
0:47:12 > 0:47:16# Save your love for Roma And for me
0:47:18 > 0:47:19Hey!
0:47:19 > 0:47:22Hey! Where are you going? This is not your bloody house!
0:47:22 > 0:47:24You dirty old sod!
0:47:33 > 0:47:35MUSIC: "Hark The Herald Angels"
0:47:35 > 0:47:38# Hark the herald angels sing
0:47:38 > 0:47:41# Glory to the newborn King!
0:47:43 > 0:47:47# Peace on earth and mercy mild
0:47:47 > 0:47:52# God and sinners reconciled
0:47:52 > 0:47:55# Joyful, all ye nations rise
0:47:56 > 0:47:58Oh, sorry, mate.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01# Join the triumph of the skies. #
0:48:01 > 0:48:04There she is!
0:48:04 > 0:48:08My little Christmas cracker, that I haven't pulled for a while!
0:48:14 > 0:48:16Jim!
0:48:19 > 0:48:22Got a nice little bit of batter for you off my fish.
0:48:22 > 0:48:24I'll batter you in a minute!
0:48:24 > 0:48:26Oh, don't you want it?
0:48:26 > 0:48:28I've had my tea!
0:48:28 > 0:48:31And peeled the sprouts and the potatoes for tomorrow,
0:48:31 > 0:48:36and stuffed the turkey, while you've been out getting drunk!
0:48:36 > 0:48:41It's the same every Christmas Eve. You leave me to do everything!
0:48:41 > 0:48:44Not this year, though, Barbara.
0:48:44 > 0:48:47# Deedle-ee, deedle-ee. #
0:48:47 > 0:48:52I've got two lovely Christmas puddings.
0:48:53 > 0:48:55And when I told the lads what I was going to do,
0:48:55 > 0:48:58they all started taking the Mickey out of me.
0:48:58 > 0:49:02They said, "Oh, come on, Jimbo lad, you're far too generous,"
0:49:02 > 0:49:04but I said, "Oh, no."
0:49:04 > 0:49:07"Every Christmas my Barbara sorts everything out.
0:49:07 > 0:49:10She does everything for everybody.
0:49:10 > 0:49:15But this year, I want to make a contribution.
0:49:15 > 0:49:16Oh.
0:49:16 > 0:49:18So I said, "I will."
0:49:19 > 0:49:21"I will buy a raffle ticket."
0:49:22 > 0:49:24So you won them, then, did you?
0:49:25 > 0:49:28Yeah, but I won them for you, Barb, didn't I?
0:49:28 > 0:49:31I thought you were only nipping into the precinct.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33Well, I went to the precinct,
0:49:33 > 0:49:36and I just called in for a quick one on the way home.
0:49:36 > 0:49:39A quick one? And you've got this bladdered?
0:49:39 > 0:49:41I'm not bladdered, Barb. I'm just a tad bipsy.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43Get to bed, Jim.
0:49:43 > 0:49:45Ha-ha-ha!
0:49:45 > 0:49:46I might hold a promise, Barb.
0:49:46 > 0:49:50Is little Jim getting his Christmas present early this year, eh?
0:49:52 > 0:49:53Come on, Barb,
0:49:53 > 0:49:57you know I've got no problems in the downstairs department!
0:49:57 > 0:50:01Or, as they call it in the Feathers now, Dave's Droopsies!
0:50:09 > 0:50:10Hey, Jim.
0:50:12 > 0:50:16You know that scratchcard I found down the back of the sofa?
0:50:17 > 0:50:20You didn't win anything on it, did you?
0:50:20 > 0:50:23No, not a bloody sausage. Scratchcard?
0:50:23 > 0:50:25Be better off scratching my arse!
0:50:37 > 0:50:39To absent friends!
0:50:39 > 0:50:41ALL: Absent friends!
0:50:43 > 0:50:47Oh, before I forget, thank you for my Christmas present, Barbara.
0:50:47 > 0:50:48Oh, you're welcome, Joe.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51That's just what I wanted, a drill. Very thoughtful.
0:50:52 > 0:50:55It's just like my old one. You've even put my initials on it.
0:50:55 > 0:50:56Yeah.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59You couldn't lend it me, could you?
0:50:59 > 0:51:01I don't know about that, Carol.
0:51:01 > 0:51:03The last time I led by drill out to someone, I never got it back.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05Well said, Joe.
0:51:05 > 0:51:07Oh, thank you for my present, too, Barbara.
0:51:08 > 0:51:11A four pack of Polos. It's just what I wanted.
0:51:11 > 0:51:13You couldn't lend us a pack, could you?
0:51:13 > 0:51:14Bloody hell, Carol!
0:51:14 > 0:51:16And anyway, Bab, what were you buying Polo mints for?
0:51:16 > 0:51:18They're the same price as other bloody mints, aren't they?
0:51:18 > 0:51:21Only you're getting less mint for your bloody money!
0:51:21 > 0:51:23I know. You're paying for the hole, aren't you?
0:51:23 > 0:51:24Yeah.
0:51:24 > 0:51:27That's daft. Where else would you pay for the hole?
0:51:27 > 0:51:29I know, Dave!
0:51:29 > 0:51:31Jim!
0:51:31 > 0:51:36I like the hole. It makes a nice little break from a full mint.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38I'd buy a full packet of holes, if I could.
0:51:40 > 0:51:44Oh, Philomena, have you met Joe's daughter Cheryl, yet?
0:51:44 > 0:51:45No, not yet.
0:51:46 > 0:51:49I've met her fridge-freezer, though!
0:51:49 > 0:51:50It's beautiful.
0:51:50 > 0:51:51Yeah.
0:51:51 > 0:51:52It is, yeah.
0:51:52 > 0:51:55- She got a boyfriend yet, your Cheryl?
0:51:55 > 0:51:58No, she's in the process of becoming a lesbian.
0:51:58 > 0:52:03Ha-ha-ha! Oh, come on, Joe! A lesbian?
0:52:03 > 0:52:04Jim!
0:52:04 > 0:52:08I think she'll make a great lesbian, Cheryl.
0:52:08 > 0:52:09Yeah, so do I.
0:52:09 > 0:52:12Well, she's taken down all her posters of Philip Schofield
0:52:12 > 0:52:14and replaced them with Claire Balding.
0:52:16 > 0:52:18We haven't got a lesbian on this street.
0:52:18 > 0:52:20No.
0:52:20 > 0:52:22Oh, we're starting to get a few now in Ireland.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25They go on buses, they go to restaurants.
0:52:25 > 0:52:28My friend Finola, she saw one lending a book.
0:52:29 > 0:52:32Out of the library!
0:52:32 > 0:52:34We're very forward-thinking in Ireland.
0:52:34 > 0:52:36Yeah.
0:52:36 > 0:52:40Anyway, now for the main event. Jim's Christmas puddings!
0:52:43 > 0:52:47You are in safe hands, folks, because Captain Jim is at the helm!
0:52:51 > 0:52:53Good old Jimbo!
0:52:53 > 0:52:57- Oh, isn't he marvellous? - That's not the word I'd use.
0:52:57 > 0:53:00He's acting as if he made those puddings.
0:53:00 > 0:53:02He won them in a bloody raffle!
0:53:02 > 0:53:04Here we go, then.
0:53:04 > 0:53:06Cop a load of them little beauties!
0:53:08 > 0:53:12Does that bring back the old mammaries?
0:53:12 > 0:53:13# Mammary! #
0:53:14 > 0:53:17How old are you, Jim?
0:53:17 > 0:53:19You're never too old, Bab!
0:53:19 > 0:53:22I've always been a sucker for mammaries!
0:53:24 > 0:53:28Hey, you should've seen Beverley Macca in the Feathers last night.
0:53:28 > 0:53:32She had her top up, but her boobs were more out than they were in!
0:53:32 > 0:53:36When she went out for the crisps, you could see the lot!
0:53:36 > 0:53:38Well, of course, the stampede at the bar.
0:53:38 > 0:53:42They ran out of Cheese & Onion, Salt & Vinegar and Smoky Bacon!
0:53:46 > 0:53:50That Beverley Macca, she's got the best knockers in Manchester,
0:53:50 > 0:53:51bar none!
0:53:51 > 0:53:55They've got a wobble all of their own!
0:53:55 > 0:53:59You know the day that she won that Miss Wet T-shirt contest?
0:53:59 > 0:54:02That was the best day of my life!
0:54:02 > 0:54:05Our Beverley Macca has the best knockers in Manchester, Dave.
0:54:05 > 0:54:07Dave?
0:54:07 > 0:54:08Dave?
0:54:08 > 0:54:09Dave!
0:54:10 > 0:54:13Denise, Denise.
0:54:13 > 0:54:15It's happening!
0:54:15 > 0:54:18Oh, excuse me, everybody. Me and Dave have got to go.
0:54:24 > 0:54:27- I knew you were all there!
0:54:27 > 0:54:29Congratulations, Dave!
0:54:29 > 0:54:31Did you all know?
0:54:31 > 0:54:34Of course we did!
0:54:34 > 0:54:36Away up!
0:54:36 > 0:54:38# You raise me up
0:54:38 > 0:54:41# So I can stand on mountains
0:54:41 > 0:54:44# You raise me up
0:54:44 > 0:54:48# To walk on stormy seas
0:54:50 > 0:54:52I knew it would happen.
0:54:52 > 0:54:54I lit a candle for it on Thursday.
0:54:54 > 0:54:56Ah!
0:54:56 > 0:54:58Something good always comes up at Christmas, doesn't it?
0:54:58 > 0:55:00Yeah.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02Ey up.
0:55:02 > 0:55:04It's gone, again.
0:55:04 > 0:55:06Oh, Dave, no!
0:55:06 > 0:55:08- It wasn't that big, anyway.
0:55:08 > 0:55:11Sorry, everyone. Sorry.
0:55:11 > 0:55:13Oh, never mind, Dave.
0:55:13 > 0:55:15It might pop up for New Year.
0:55:17 > 0:55:18Yeah.
0:55:18 > 0:55:20Bloody hell, Dave, what a bloody let down!
0:55:20 > 0:55:22If anyone is a let down, it's you!
0:55:22 > 0:55:25I'll tell you who'd sort that out for you, no problem.
0:55:25 > 0:55:26Beverley Macca!
0:55:26 > 0:55:27Dad!
0:55:27 > 0:55:29She could get a rise off a bloody corpse, that girl!
0:55:29 > 0:55:33Jim, will you stop going on about Beverley Macca's boobs
0:55:33 > 0:55:35in front of Denise? It's very rude!
0:55:35 > 0:55:37Thank you, mam!
0:55:37 > 0:55:39They are nice, though, Barbara.
0:55:39 > 0:55:41Thank you, Joe.
0:55:41 > 0:55:45And now, the moment we've all been waiting for,
0:55:45 > 0:55:48the carving of Jim's Christmas puddings!
0:55:54 > 0:55:59And the first piece goes to my lovely, lovely wife, Barbara.
0:55:59 > 0:56:00Pass that over, Dave.
0:56:01 > 0:56:03Tuck in, everyone. Come on.
0:56:03 > 0:56:06Let's all enjoy the highlight of the day.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08Oh, the highlight of the day!
0:56:08 > 0:56:11I've been up this morning since seven o'clock.
0:56:11 > 0:56:15I've cleaned the house, I've set the table, I've cooked the dinner,
0:56:15 > 0:56:20while you have been in bed nursing a bloody hangover!
0:56:20 > 0:56:22I only had a few drinks, Barb!
0:56:24 > 0:56:27And where did you get the money from for those few drinks, Jim?
0:56:28 > 0:56:32I told you, the lads paid for them.
0:56:32 > 0:56:33You're a liar, Jim.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37I know where you got that money from.
0:56:38 > 0:56:44You have had £100 in your back pocket,
0:56:44 > 0:56:50which you won on a scratchcard and you kept hidden from your own wife!
0:57:19 > 0:57:20What is it, mam?
0:57:22 > 0:57:24Is it your ring?
0:57:32 > 0:57:33No, it's a new one.
0:57:35 > 0:57:37Do you like it, Barb?
0:57:37 > 0:57:39It's beautiful, Jim.
0:57:47 > 0:57:49Allow me.
0:57:51 > 0:57:53Oh!
0:57:54 > 0:57:55Ah!
0:57:57 > 0:57:58Thanks, Jim!
0:57:58 > 0:57:59Happy Christmas, Barbara.
0:58:00 > 0:58:02Happy Christmas, Jim!
0:58:04 > 0:58:07Happy Christmas, everybody!
0:58:07 > 0:58:10ALL: Happy Christmas!
0:58:39 > 0:58:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media