0:00:05 > 0:00:09# I would like to leave this city
0:00:09 > 0:00:14# This old town don't smell too pretty and
0:00:14 > 0:00:22# I can feel the warning signs running around my mind
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# So what do you say?
0:00:25 > 0:00:30# You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway
0:00:30 > 0:00:34# Half the world away
0:00:34 > 0:00:39# Half the world away
0:00:39 > 0:00:42# Half the world away
0:00:42 > 0:00:46# I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down... #
0:00:50 > 0:00:52This bauble won't stay on.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Oh, bauble, my arse!
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- I'm not sure this tree's right for this room.- Of course it is!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Twiggy got it especially for us! - Yeah.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Ah...
0:01:12 > 0:01:15When are you going to kiss my baubles, Barb?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Oh, Jim! And these lights aren't working again.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Are you sure you've got them plugged in right?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Stick your tongue in the socket and find out.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Every year we have the same palaver with these lights.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28It's time we got some new ones.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33What? New ones? With this coa-bloody-lition going on? You want to have a word with yourself, Barb.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37They've cocked the country up and now they expect us to pay for it.
0:01:37 > 0:01:42- Jim!- I mean, people have started looking down on you if you claim benefit now.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46There's no pride in signing on any more.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49The way they're going on, they'll be no bugger signing on.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50DOORBELL RINGS
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Get that will you, Barbara? That'll be Cameron and Clegg now.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56HE MUMBLES ANGRILY
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- Hiya, Denise.- Hiya, Mam.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00HE MUMBLES ANGRILY
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- Hiya, Barbara.- Hiya, Dave.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Ooh! I like that tree.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Is that off Twiggy?- Yeah.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- Hiya, Dad.- Hiya, Jim.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- SARCASTICALLY: - "Hiya, Dave. Hiya, Denise. Sit down.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18"Have you had your tea?" "Yeah." "What did you have?"
0:02:18 > 0:02:23Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Is Jim annoyed, Barbara? - Yeah, Jim is annoyed.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Congratulations, Sherlock.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Have you done something to your toe, Dad?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36No, I haven't. Your mother has.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41She dropped a frozen turkey on it, didn't she? In the supermarket.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- I told you we should have double-bagged it.- Are you joking?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47At 5p a carrier bag! I'm not Lord Sugar, you know!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Anyway, it's not that.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- What's wrong with him, Mam? - You can ask me, I am in the room.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56You haven't got to talk to me through your mother.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Well, what's wrong, Dad? - Don't tell them, Barbara.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Oh!
0:03:01 > 0:03:05The "sold" sign went up this morning, next door.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- Aw, it's not, has it?- Mmm.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10That means it's sold.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Oh, you are right on the ball, aren't you, today, Dave?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I never thought they'd actually go through with it.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18This is going to hit me really hard.
0:03:18 > 0:03:24- Yeah.- He's going to want his lawn mower back, his drill back, his electric screwdriver back.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27How's Barbara going to mow the lawn or put any shelves up?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- I'm really upset.- So am I.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- So am I.- So am I.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I hope they don't move too far away.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- Ooh, so do I.- So do I.- So do I.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Who's going to look after the kids at weekends when Cheryl goes?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I don't want to leave them with strangers.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49No.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Where are the kids, Denise?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Erm...
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Where are they, Dave?
0:03:55 > 0:04:01Oh, they're with that old woman four doors down.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Oh, yeah.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05What is her name?
0:04:05 > 0:04:10Don't know. She's nice, though, once you get over the smell.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Oh, it's really funny, Mam.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16The kids put tissues up their nose before they go in.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18It's dead sweet, in't it, Dave?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Yeah.- Well, what does she smell of?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Well, you know when you've just opened a tin of salmon?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Yeah.- Well, that.- Ooh.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30I think it's a bit more cheesy than fishy.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Will you two shut up?!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35You're making me feel hungry.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41I make them put their pyjamas on in Dave's van before they come home.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- You don't want them bringing the smell into your house.- No.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Kids don't like her, do they, Dave?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50No.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I think it's lovely for them to go at Christmas
0:04:53 > 0:04:55because she's got like a little beard.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56A white one, Barbara.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Oh, how Christmassy!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04What's happening to the kids tomorrow, Denise?
0:05:04 > 0:05:09Well, I can't send them to her at Christmas. They need to be with family.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11So they're going to Dave's mum and dad's.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Oh.- They don't like it there either, Barbara.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16No.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20CRACKLING AND BUZZING
0:05:20 > 0:05:22ALL: Oh! Oh!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24CRACKLING Oh! Oh!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26CRACKLING
0:05:26 > 0:05:29THEY GROAN
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Have you had your teas? - BOTH: Yeah.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Ah, what did you have?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Toad-in-the-hole. - Ooh, toad-in-the-hole!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42But we didn't have any sausages left so we just had the hole.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Hmm, a hole.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- I didn't like it really. - Didn't you, Dave?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51No. It didn't taste of anything.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- Well, it was a hole, Dave.- Mmm.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- Where's Anthony and Saskia tonight? - Oh, they're dropping presents off.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09I think they just needed a bit of time away from things.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- When's their new house going to be ready?- Middle of January.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17Oh, it's been lovely having my little boy at home again.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22Your little boy? He's six foot two and 30 years of age, you daft old bat!
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- And a merry Christmas to you and all, Jim(!) - HE MUMBLES GRUMPILY
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Hey, Mam.- Hmm?
0:06:28 > 0:06:33While they're out, why don't me and you go upstairs
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and have a little look at what Saskia's got hung up in her wardrobe?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Oh, what a good idea. She won't mind.- No.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43- Well, it's quite flattering really, in't it?- Yeah.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50BARBARA GIGGLES
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Hey, Dave, it's doing my head in, having them two staying here.- Who?
0:06:57 > 0:07:02Saskia and Anthony, you bloody rattlehead! Barbara's on at me every five minutes.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I can't fart in front of Saskia,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I can't scratch me nuts in front of Saskia,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I can't lounge around in me Y-fronts in front of Saskia.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12All the joys in life have gone, Dave.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14You don't want that, do you, James?
0:07:14 > 0:07:20No. And when I go for my morning dump, I've got to hang around for ages to see if there's any floaters.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I had a 20-minute battle with one this morning.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It was like trying to sink the Ark Royal.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Oh, aye, yeah, and if I go for a wee and I miss,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31I've got to clean it up myself, in case Saskia comes in after me.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I can't just leave it for Barbara any more.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39Hey, and when she goes for a bath, there's candles and jock sticks.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41It's like bloody Glastonbury up there.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45And our Anthony's blocked the keyhole up with toilet roll.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48What sort of a man does he think I am, eh?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Took me nearly 20 minutes to unpick it.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55By the time I'd finished, she'd had her shower and she'd gone.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03Oh, hey, Dave, if I do a fart tomorrow, will you own up to it for me?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Well, what if you don't do one?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10With a bellyful of Barbara's sprouts? It's an accident waiting to happen.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- How will I know, though, when you've done one?- I'll give you a sign.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17If I clean me glasses, you know that I've set one free.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Is that all right with you, Dave?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Check.- Thank you, David.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS
0:08:25 > 0:08:27BARBARA GIGGLES
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Ooh, she's got lovely things.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Dave, smell that. Isn't it gorgeous?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Mmm, lovely.- Saskia's perfume.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47- Ooh, that's lovely!- I'm going to try and sneak up tomorrow and put some on for Christmas Day.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49What a good idea. I'll do that as well.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51BARBARA CHUCKLES
0:08:51 > 0:08:56- It's funny someone of her age keeping a diary, in't it, Mam?- Yeah.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59She doesn't think much of you, Dad.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Oh, I know, I've read it. Slovenly, my arse.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Why didn't she tell me to me face? Because she's sneaky, she is.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Did you put the little padlock back on?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Yeah.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Why she keeps that key in a separate drawer, I'll never know.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15No.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17CRACKLING
0:09:17 > 0:09:18ALL: Ooh.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22ALL: Oh! Ooh!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24THEY GROAN
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Do you want me to have a look at the tree lights for you, Barbara?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Oh, would you, Dave?- Yeah.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Dave is absolutely brilliant with electricity.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42It's usually the fuse bulb, the white one.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Here you are.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45CRACKLING ALL: Yay!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Ah, well done, David! Well done!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Oh, thanks, Dave. Ooh...
0:09:49 > 0:09:50BANG!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- Dave, you gormless sod!- Dave! CLATTERING
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Argh! Me toe!
0:09:55 > 0:09:59# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
0:09:59 > 0:10:00# Everywhere you go... #
0:10:01 > 0:10:04BARBARA GASPS
0:10:04 > 0:10:06It's a Dyson!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10It's what I've always wanted!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Oh, I'm glad you like it, Mam. - Aw, Anthony!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- Merry Christmas!- Oh, thank you. Oh!
0:10:16 > 0:10:21- Aw!- Thank you!- It's all right!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I wish we'd got you a Dyson now, instead of that fridge magnet.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Oh, I like that just as much.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I think it looks better on our fridge door than it did on yours, love.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32And, er,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- this one's for you, Jim.- Ooh!
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- For me? - HE LAUGHS
0:10:40 > 0:10:43What can it be? Let's have a look. Lucky old me...
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- Sky HD! - HE LAUGHS
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Nice one, Lurcio! That's bloody great!
0:10:50 > 0:10:55Come here you. Give old Jim a little kiss, come on, come on.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Do you know what, queen?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58You're a bloody diamond. Go on.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Go on and sit down. Do you know where I'm going to put this?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I'm going to put this next to that fun-size bar of Toblerone
0:11:05 > 0:11:09that Dave, Denise and the two kids bought me for Christmas.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- MUTTERS:- You tight-arse... - Are you ready?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Oh, go on, Mam, yeah, go on! - Go on, go on!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS
0:11:17 > 0:11:19CHEERING
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Wayhey!
0:11:26 > 0:11:27ANTHONY: Very nice.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Ooh, look at all the dirt!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- It's lovely, Barbara. - Thanks, Cheryl.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- Is your dad on his way over?- Yeah.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- Is he bringing your mam?- Yeah.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Right, well, let's get to the table then. Come on.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Dave, Anthony, help your dad.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Careful, careful, careful.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48The bloody thing's throbbing.
0:11:48 > 0:11:54Watch where you're putting your shoes, you clumsy... Get your arse out of my face, you stupid big sod!
0:11:58 > 0:12:02DAVE: Steady. One, two, three...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Ooh! Oh! Ooh!
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Don't sit me there with me back to the telly.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Oh, God! Oh, don't sit him there.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15He'll be in my way when I bring the stuff out.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Don't put him there! I don't want him next to me.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Well, why don't you put me in the bloody garden and be done with it!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Over there, the top one!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28JIM GROANS
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Argh! Watch me bollocks! Sit me down! Sit me down!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Sit me down!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Sit me do... Aahh.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Get that bloody pouffe here, will you, Anthony?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Take it easy! God, you're a clumsy little sod, you are!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Watch the bloody table! Argh!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Oh, it's Joe and Mary!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Merry Christmas! - JOE: Merry Christmas, Barbara.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- Merry Christmas, everybody. - Merry Christmas, Joe.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09I brought Mary with me cos I didn't like to leave her on her own.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- No, nobody should be on their own at Christmas.- Here you are, Joe.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- You're sitting here next to me. - Well, what should I do with Mary?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Oh, give her to me. I'll put her on the telly with Nana.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23They always got on well together.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26It's a pity we've scattered me mam's ashes, Barb.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- We could have set a table for all of them in there!- Jim!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Hey, Merry Christmas, Joe. Have you met Saskia?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Oh, you're Shaskia?- Hiya.- I'm Joe.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Lovely to meet you.- You too.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I wish you could've met my wife Mary but she's dead at the moment.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43That's her on top of the telly, there.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49My grandma died recently. She's still in the urn. We haven't got round to scattering her yet.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54You should have brought her up with you, Saskia. We could have put her up there in the line-up
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- of the living dead on the television.- Jim!
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Well, bloody hell, Barbara, what time's Vincent Price going to show up?
0:14:00 > 0:14:01LAUGHTER
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Would you like any help in the kitchen, Barbara?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Oh, no, you're all right, love. You stay there.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12Dave, come on! You know I'm bloody helpless with the toes. That's it.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Come on, son.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16No, thanks, not for me.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- When's the baby due, Saskia? - The middle of January.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24- Have you had any cravings? - I've been having really strong cravings for Maltesers.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Oh, Maltesers?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I had cravings with my two, didn't I, Dave?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- Yeah.- What were they again?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Vodka and Red Bull.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Oh, yeah! Yeah.
0:14:35 > 0:14:41- Saskia, if you ever need a baby-sitter, just ask us. - Oh, thanks, Denise.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45There's this old woman four doors down from us and she has ours any time.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Erm, excuse me, everybody.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I'm going on the toilet.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Thanks, Dave.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59CHERYL SIGHS
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Wasn't it awful?
0:15:01 > 0:15:07Did you see in the Metro? Somebody stole the Christmas tree from the front of the old people's home.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Never mind that about that,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Cheryl, love, you're bringing the atmosphere down.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Oh, here's the turkey! Let's have three cheers for the turkey!
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
0:15:20 > 0:15:24- The old turkey. Here we go. - Pigs in blankets.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- You what, Joe?- Them! Pigs in blankets. Mary loved 'em.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- Oh, she did, didn't she, Joe?- Yeah.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. How have you been coping?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Well, I can't say I haven't missed her.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Oh, we all do, Joe. Help yourself to the margarine, love.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Do you know, she had all her own teeth until the day she died, Shaski.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49- Oh, did she?- Except for the top set.
0:15:49 > 0:15:55- And another six at the bottom.- Ah. - I keep her dentures on the bedside table.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00And do you know, every morning I get up, there she is, smiling at me.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Ah, that's lovely, Joe.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07And when I'm really missing her, I pop her glasses on the top.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12Well, why don't you get an old mop head, Joe, and complete the bloody picture?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Oh, isn't this lovely?- Yeah.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Tell me, who wouldn't look forward to Christmas Day?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Well, the turkey for one!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Mary would've laughed at that if she wasn't dead, Anthony.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I tell you what, Barb, this lot looks bloody lovely, kid.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Oh, Jim.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35GLASS TINKLES
0:16:38 > 0:16:39I hope you don't mind,
0:16:39 > 0:16:45but as a mark of respect, I think we ought to have a minute's silence for Mary before we eat.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Oh, there's no need for that, Joe. You're all right.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49ANTHONY: A minute's silence?!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52A minute from... Look, Cheryl, will you time it for me?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- A minute?!- Mmm.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Right, well, from now.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59JIM MUTTERS ANGRILY
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Come on!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09HE MOUTHS
0:17:09 > 0:17:11(What can I do?)
0:17:20 > 0:17:22(Behave!)
0:17:27 > 0:17:30DAVE: Have you got any air freshener, Barbara?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33DENISE: Shh! Dave! Shut up!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35What's up? What's happening?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38(We're having a minute's silence. For Mary.)
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- When's it happening?- It's now, Dave.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Now I've had to speak, we have do it all over again.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Oh, there's no need for that, Joe.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49A minute from...now.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57HE COUGHS
0:18:01 > 0:18:03JIM WHISTLES
0:18:06 > 0:18:07THEY MOUTH
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Excuse me, everyone.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Sorry to interrupt the minute's silence,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26but I've just done a trump. Not Jim.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Dave!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Show a bit of bloody respect!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- We'll have to do it again. - GROANING
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Actually, Dad, we did 40 seconds then and 30 seconds the first time,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39so we're ten seconds over.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41THEY CHEER
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Aw, this is lovely, Barbara. - Thanks, love.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Would you like some gravy?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Mmm.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55What did you get Anthony for Christmas, Saskia?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- 3D TV.- 3D TV?- 3D TV?!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I'd love 3D TV.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I'd love 3D TV.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Fancy watching This Morning in 3D TV!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Holly Willoughby's wallabies coming towards you in 3D. Ho ho ho!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11That's the future!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Willoughby's wallabies in 3D.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Two double Ds in 3D, hey, Dave?
0:19:17 > 0:19:22- One D would do me! - # One D at a time, sweet Jesus... #
0:19:22 > 0:19:25THEY LAUGH
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Wasn't Mary's funeral a good send-off?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29THEY GROAN
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- It was a glorious day. - It was a lovely service, Joe.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Just a shame about the ice-cream van during the eulogy.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39The vicar said it was the smallest gathering he'd ever seen.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Did you see Mary's sister?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45She's Irish, the same as Mary.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50You know, she was the one with the one black tooth, off-centre, hanging loose.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Was she the one who tried to start the Mexican wave in the church?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- Ah-ha, that's the one.- She was a bit of fun, her, wasn't she?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00She was giggling all the way through the service.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02- She's certified insane. - JIM SNIGGERS
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Oh. Come to think of it, I thought she was a bit odd,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08trying to get us all to do the conga filing out the church.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12We put everything that was dear to Mary in her coffin, Shaskia.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17- Oh, did you, Joe? What a lovely idea. - It was, wasn't it?
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- What did you put in it? - Well, we put her wedding dress... - ALL: Aw.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26..and her Beverley Callard keep-fit videos, George Foreman grill
0:20:26 > 0:20:29and a photo of Cheryl.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Aw, that's nice, Joe. - That's lovely.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Oh, yeah, no, not me, Cheryl Cole.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39I tell you what, though, it's a wonder there was any room in it for Mary, wasn't there, lad?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Who packed the coffin?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Was it the funeral director or was it, er, Pickfords?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- I have brought the poem with me if you'd like to hear it again. - ALL: No, no.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54It's still fresh in our minds, Joe.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58No, no. If Joe wants to read it, let him read it.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Anyway, Saskia hasn't heard it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- You'd like to hear it, wouldn't you, Saskia, love?- Yeah, yeah. - Go on, Joe.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary...
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- JIM MOUTHS - ..Mary, Mary, Mary...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- Who's it about, Joe?- Mary!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Jim!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24You are my wife
0:21:24 > 0:21:26My friend and my lover
0:21:26 > 0:21:28A part-time dinner lady
0:21:28 > 0:21:29And also a mother...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Aw.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Chips, peas and gravy
0:21:33 > 0:21:34That's what you had
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Chips, pie and gravy
0:21:36 > 0:21:37That's what I had...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Is this a poem, Joe, or a bloody menu?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- Jim! - LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:46I'll meet you in heaven
0:21:46 > 0:21:48It's peaceful up there
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I'll spot you immediately
0:21:50 > 0:21:51With your ginger hair...
0:21:51 > 0:21:53SHE SNORTS
0:21:53 > 0:21:54So, bye-bye, Mary
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Now up in the sky
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Farewell, my Mary
0:21:57 > 0:22:00You're dead now, bye-bye.
0:22:02 > 0:22:07Oh, so lovely, Joe. It gets better every time you read it.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Saskia, don't get upset, love.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Oh, I forgot it's the first time you've heard it, isn't it?
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Joe, do you mind not reading it again? It's too upsetting.
0:22:20 > 0:22:26And do you know, when the curtains closed and they played her song,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30What was it, Joe?
0:22:30 > 0:22:31# Like a bat out of hell
0:22:31 > 0:22:34# I'll be gone when the morning comes
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# When the night is over
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone... #
0:22:38 > 0:22:40OK, Joe! That's... All right, Joe!
0:22:40 > 0:22:41ALL RIGHT, JOE!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Bloody hell, Joe!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46DENISE: I love that song.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50- What song would you have played, Mam, for your funeral?- I know!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53# Ding dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54# The wicked old witch. #
0:22:54 > 0:22:55JIM LAUGHS
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- I know what song I'd have at your funeral.- What?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01# Does he wash up?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03# No, he never washes up
0:23:03 > 0:23:06# Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up
0:23:06 > 0:23:08# Does he brush up?
0:23:08 > 0:23:09# No, he never brushes up
0:23:09 > 0:23:14# He does nothing The boy does nothing. #
0:23:14 > 0:23:15THEY CHEER
0:23:15 > 0:23:16# Does he wash up?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18# Never wash up
0:23:18 > 0:23:21# Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up... #
0:23:21 > 0:23:23JIM GROANS
0:23:23 > 0:23:25To the left! To the left! To the right!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Dave, Dave put me down gentle. Gentle!
0:23:28 > 0:23:29# Never wash up
0:23:29 > 0:23:31# Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up... #
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Where you going? Where you going?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36The trousers! The trousers!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Hurry up! Hurry up!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41It's peeping! It's peeping!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43HE GROANS
0:23:46 > 0:23:48That's it.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Argh! The toe! The toe!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56# Does he brush up? Never brushed up... #
0:23:56 > 0:23:58DAVE AND ANTHONY GROAN
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Hey, come on! Outside!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Give a man a bit of bloody dignity!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07# Does he brush up? Never brushed up
0:24:07 > 0:24:11# He does nothing The boy does nothing... #
0:24:16 > 0:24:17HE LAUGHS
0:24:21 > 0:24:24# Does he wash up? Never wash up
0:24:24 > 0:24:27# Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up
0:24:27 > 0:24:29# Does he brush up? Never brushed up
0:24:29 > 0:24:33# He does nothing The boy does nothing... #
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- ANTHONY: To Mary! - ALL: To Mary!
0:24:36 > 0:24:41And to the end of 2010, cos the country's going to the bloody dogs, isn't it?
0:24:41 > 0:24:42To the dogs!
0:24:42 > 0:24:43- JOE:- Hear, hear!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46All we've had is cuts, cuts and more cuts.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50- DAVE: Oh, yeah. - They've cut Heartbeat, The Bill, Last Of The Summer Wine.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52DAVE: Aye.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Do you like being a nurse, Saskia?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I love it. It's really rewarding.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- I wanted to be a nurse. - Oh, did you, Cheryl?
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- I think you'd have made a lovely nurse, Cheryl. - DENISE: Yeah.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08The only thing is, I can't stand the sight of blood and I don't like looking after people.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Well, why did you want to be a nurse, Cheryl?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- I like the upside-down watches. - Bloody hell, Cheryl.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17What department do you work in, Saskia?
0:25:17 > 0:25:18A & E.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Oh, tell them about that bloke that came in last week.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- No.- No, go on. Go on! Tell 'em.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27ALL: Go on!
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Right, right. Well, we had this middle-aged man, bank manager he was.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35He had a light bulb lodged up his bottom.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:43- What wattage was it?- Well, what does it matter, Joe, what wattage it was?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46It had been up there a while before he came in.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Bloody hell, I hope it was an energy-saving bulb.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- Are you having that, David? - Good one, James!
0:25:53 > 0:25:59- How did he explain that?- He said he'd just got out of the shower and accidentally sat on a lamp.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03- Oh, as if!- Tell me, this bulb, was it a screw-fit or was it a bayonet?
0:26:03 > 0:26:08What does it matter, Joe, if it's a screw-fit, a bayonet or what bloody wattage it was?
0:26:08 > 0:26:14- There's a fella out there with a bulb stuck up his arse in A & E, not in B&Q.- Well, why did he do it?
0:26:14 > 0:26:19- I don't know. He might have been frightened of a power cut and he wanted to go for a crap.- Jim!
0:26:19 > 0:26:23You're spoiling Saskia's lovely story here.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Did you keep the bulb, Saskia? We could have used it on our Christmas tree.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Oh, don't be ridiculous, Jim.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34You can't put a bulb that's been up somebody's bottom on your tree at Christmas.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Do you do any private work, Shizka?
0:26:41 > 0:26:46You see I have this boil that needs looking at and I'd like a professional opinion.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Whereabouts is it, Joe?
0:26:48 > 0:26:53- Well, it's about two inches to the left of where that bloke had his bulb lodged.- Oh, right.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I thought it looked bigger than it was
0:26:55 > 0:27:00when I saw it, but it seems that Cheryl was holding the mirror the wrong way round.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Oh, Cheryl.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07The main reason I wanted to be a nurse was so I could have married a doctor.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- ALL: Ah. - Are you seeing anyone at the moment, Cheryl?
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- I was seeing this lad up until recently, but we split up. - I'm sorry to hear that.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- Oh, it's fine. I'm over it now. - How long ago was it?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- Five months, three weeks, two days. - ALL: Ah.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22ANTHONY: Where did you meet him, Cheryl?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Well, I was sitting on a bench in the precinct having me morning pasties,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29when this cute little dog came up and starting jumping up at me.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32So I gave him a bit of one and I heard this voice say,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35"If you give him any more, he'll follow you home."
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I looked up and there he was. I fancied him straightaway.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- ALL: Aw. - How romantic!
0:27:40 > 0:27:45- I said, "Hello, my name's Cheryl." - And what did he say?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- "Have you got a pound for a cup of tea?"- Oh, right.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Then he shook his paper cup at me, dead flirty, like.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52What was his name, Cheryl?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- Spamhead.- Ah.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58He had lovely handwriting as well,
0:27:58 > 0:28:02except he put two M's and one S in "homeless".
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- SASKIA: Oh, right. - And an I in "hungry".
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Well, he was only a few letters out.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11- Yeah.- Do you know what, love? That's just like a Mills & Boon story. Lovely.- Yeah.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Hey, did you meet him, Joe?
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Yes. Only once.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Yeah, I took him home to meet me dad but then after we'd left,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22my dad couldn't find his Post Office savings book.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26When we asked Spamhead, he said his dog had probably eaten it.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29His dog must have been able to talk as well
0:28:29 > 0:28:32because it went in the Post Office and took all my savings out.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36You know, I never liked Spamhead. He never took you anywhere, did he?
0:28:36 > 0:28:40- No.- I think next time you should go for someone who isn't tagged.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43I thought Spamhead was a nice lad.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46- What was he tagged for?- Dogging.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48STIFLED LAUGHTER
0:28:58 > 0:29:03I can't stop looking at them two over there, two old friends together again.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Oh, in't it lovely?
0:29:05 > 0:29:09- Yeah.- Yeah, you're right, Barbara. They do look lovely.- Yeah.
0:29:09 > 0:29:10JOE: It'd make a nice photo, that.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Ooh, yeah, it would. Where's me camera?
0:29:13 > 0:29:16Barbara, it's Christmas Day, love. Not Halloween.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Can I be in this photo, Barbara?
0:29:18 > 0:29:19Yes, come on, Joe.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27I don't know about losing his wife, he's lost the plot.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Get in there.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Smile!
0:29:31 > 0:29:35Ah, yeah, that's lovely.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37Don't take offence, will you, Barbara,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40but can I have one without your mum?
0:29:40 > 0:29:45- I'd like just a family one with me, Mary and Cheryl.- All right.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Come on, Cheryl.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52We've had more fun with them now than when they were alive.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55LAUGHTER
0:29:57 > 0:29:58Smile!
0:29:59 > 0:30:02# Sweet sweet memories you gave-a me
0:30:02 > 0:30:06# You can't beat the memories you gave-a me
0:30:06 > 0:30:13- # Take one fresh and tender kiss - The memories you gave-a me
0:30:13 > 0:30:18# Add one stolen night of bliss
0:30:18 > 0:30:21# You can't beat the memories you gave-a me
0:30:21 > 0:30:25# One girl, one boy
0:30:25 > 0:30:27# Some grief, some joy
0:30:27 > 0:30:29# Memories... #
0:30:29 > 0:30:30Cheers!
0:30:30 > 0:30:32# ..are made of this
0:30:32 > 0:30:35# You can't beat the memories you gave-a me
0:30:35 > 0:30:39# Memories are made of this
0:30:39 > 0:30:41# You can't beat the memories you gave-a me
0:30:41 > 0:30:47# Memories are made of this. #
0:30:47 > 0:30:50- Oh, we've had a lovely day, Mam. Thanks.- Ah!
0:30:50 > 0:30:52Is Saskia enjoying herself?
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Yeah!
0:30:54 > 0:30:57I do worry what people think about your dad.
0:30:57 > 0:31:02He can be a bit off-putting, you know, with his dirty habits,
0:31:02 > 0:31:06his personality, and his body odour.
0:31:06 > 0:31:10- Well, we've never known any different, have we?- No.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14He dropped a silent one the other night in the middle of Come Dine With Me.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17She must've smelt it, you couldn't not.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19It was one of his Sunday ones.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21But she didn't say anything.
0:31:21 > 0:31:26She just politely put a tissue to her nose, kept it there for ten minutes until it had evaporated.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29You know, she's really classy.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32Well, I warned her about me dad.
0:31:32 > 0:31:37Do you know, I've really enjoyed having you here for the last couple of weeks.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40- Oh!- Ah, I wish you weren't going to your house after Christmas.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42You can't let me come with you, can you?
0:31:42 > 0:31:45Well, Saskia'd let you, Mam. She thinks the world of you.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47- Does she?- Yeah.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49Course she does!
0:31:50 > 0:31:53Ah, she is really lovely, Anthony.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56Mmm, I know. I think she might be the one for me, you know.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00Don't say anything,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03but I'm thinking of asking her to marry me on New Year's Eve.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06- Are you?- Yeah!
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Oh, Anthony!
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Oh!
0:32:20 > 0:32:22Are you going to propose here?
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Well, no, I want her to say yes.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Oh.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Two Royle weddings in one year!
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Yeah.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36I hope the Queen doesn't get the same hat as me.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39You can wear that one.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42- Come here!- Oh, I love you, Anthony.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45I'm so happy for you.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48That's us with the Blackpool Tower behind us, look.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51Oh, yeah.
0:32:51 > 0:32:56Now, that's me and Mary at Harry Ramsden's.
0:32:56 > 0:32:57Oh, and that one's on the beach.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00That's Mary in that deckchair.
0:33:00 > 0:33:05Have you got any of Mary before she was in the urn, Joe?
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Oh, no, she didn't like her photo taken, Swastika.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13I've got a scan photo of the baby in my bag, Joe, if you'd like to have look at it.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Oh, yeah?
0:33:15 > 0:33:17No, thanks.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21I think you're on a winner with Anthony. He's a smashing lad.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Yeah, I know.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26I much prefer you to his last girlfriend, Emma.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29Thanks, Joe.
0:33:29 > 0:33:35- She was much better looking than you, but you've got a better personality.- Right.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40But looks fade, don't they?
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Oh, aye. Oh, aye.
0:33:42 > 0:33:47But not in her case. I saw her last week and she was still bloody gorgeous.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52Hard job being a nurse, isn't it?
0:33:53 > 0:33:56Sometimes, yeah.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58When somebody's going to die,
0:33:58 > 0:34:02do you tell them or do you leave it as a surprise?
0:34:04 > 0:34:08- Well, every case is different.- Mm.
0:34:08 > 0:34:13I know it was as much a surprise to Mary as it was to me when she expired.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16I know she hadn't planned on dying,
0:34:16 > 0:34:19because she'd just bought a 2011 diary.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Oh, that's a shame.
0:34:23 > 0:34:24Don't tell Barbara, though.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26I gave it her for Christmas.
0:34:27 > 0:34:32Some folk get upset about getting second-hand diaries from dead people.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36Yeah, I can imagine.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38Now, this light bulb.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Was it a pearl or was it clear?
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Bloody hell, Joe!
0:34:42 > 0:34:44SHE LAUGHS
0:34:44 > 0:34:46All right, Cheryl?
0:34:46 > 0:34:48Yeah, I'm not bad,
0:34:48 > 0:34:50considering.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52I still can't believe you're moving.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55- No.- It'll be really weird you not living next door any more.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Yeah, it'll be weird for me too.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01I'll really miss you, you know, Cheryl.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04I've always thought of you as like my elder sister.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08- You know, the nice one.- Thanks, Ant.
0:35:08 > 0:35:09Ah!
0:35:11 > 0:35:14I think Saskia's really lovely.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Yeah, she is, she's great.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20How does she get on with your Lewis?
0:35:20 > 0:35:21Really well. Really well.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24He's at his mum's. We're picking him up tomorrow.
0:35:26 > 0:35:27How did you meet her?
0:35:27 > 0:35:32Well, my mate was in hospital, and I went to visit him and she was his nurse.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35I just thought she was gorgeous.
0:35:35 > 0:35:39He wasn't even that good a mate, but after that, I was there every night!
0:35:41 > 0:35:46The nurses were really lovely in the hospital where my mum was when she was ill.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49- It must have been a really difficult time.- Yeah, it was. It was.
0:35:51 > 0:35:57I used to go every day. Then one morning, I turned up and they'd switched the machine off.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59What, her life support machine?
0:35:59 > 0:36:03No, the vending machine in the corridor.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05Oh, right!
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Listen, don't tell anyone,
0:36:18 > 0:36:22but I'm thinking of asking Saskia to marry me on New Year's Eve.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39Hey, Mam, isn't Saskia lovely?
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Yeah.
0:36:44 > 0:36:45What?
0:36:45 > 0:36:50Don't say anything, but our Anthony is thinking of asking her to marry him on New Year's Eve.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52Ooh!
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Ooh, two Royle weddings.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03In one year.
0:37:03 > 0:37:04Ssh, ssh!
0:37:05 > 0:37:08- Are you all right, Cheryl?- Yeah.
0:37:08 > 0:37:09She's lovely, isn't she, Saskia?
0:37:09 > 0:37:12- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:37:12 > 0:37:19Look, don't say anything but Anthony's thinking of asking Saskia to marry him on New Year's Eve.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22- We know.- Two Royle weddings!
0:37:22 > 0:37:25- BOTH:- In one year!
0:37:25 > 0:37:27I had me works do last Friday, Dave.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Oh, did you, Ant? So did I.
0:37:29 > 0:37:34- What did you do?- Well, the company hired the Grosvenor in London.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37- The Grosvenor?- Yeah, yeah.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39It was a proper black tie job, it was.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41It kicked off with cocktails.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45It was free drink all night, and then JLS were on stage.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49- JLS?- Then they had this like casino thing, and everybody got £100 worth of chips.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Chips? At the Grosvenor?
0:37:53 > 0:37:57- What did you do on yours?- Well, it started off in the Feathers,
0:37:57 > 0:38:00and it ended up in the Feathers.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02- Oh, where did you go in between? - The Feathers.
0:38:04 > 0:38:11- Who went?- Well, it was a joint do with Diarrhoea Pete the roofer and Shaky Dave the electrician.
0:38:11 > 0:38:16- Bit of a sesh, was it?- No, cos they both said they had to go after one.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18- Oh, right.- Mm.
0:38:18 > 0:38:23Bit weird, really, because I thought I saw them in the Oak later on when I was going home.
0:38:23 > 0:38:30- Are you sure it was them? - Well, I'm not positive because they were ducking down when I went past.
0:38:32 > 0:38:33Mm.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38We'll really miss you when you move, Cheryl.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40I'll really miss you, Cheryl.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43The kids will really miss you.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45You've been a brilliant godmother.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Oh, thanks, Denise.
0:38:47 > 0:38:53You've potty-trained them, you've taught them to read and write, went to all the parents' evenings for us.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57Ah, you've been everything a godmother should be.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59I really love them, Denise.
0:38:59 > 0:39:04You know, I wish wherever I go I could just take them with me.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07No.
0:39:07 > 0:39:11- Ooh, would you like a little drink of Baileys?- Yeah.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Ah, just think,
0:39:13 > 0:39:19Nana and Mary will be up there now having a little drink from St Peter's drinks cabinet.
0:39:19 > 0:39:24They'll all be up there having a little drink together in heaven now.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Me mam and Mary,
0:39:27 > 0:39:30- and Michael Jackson.- Ooh, yeah.
0:39:30 > 0:39:34Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain.
0:39:34 > 0:39:40- Ooh, and that little fella from Different Strokes.- Yeah.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Ah, remember that time, Cheryl,
0:39:49 > 0:39:51when you got your head stuck in the railings
0:39:51 > 0:39:57- and your mam came down to help and she got her head stuck and all?- Yeah.
0:39:57 > 0:40:01And then your dad came down, and he got his head stuck too.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Oh, yeah.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05And all the firemen were taking photos.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07They put the photo in the Metro.
0:40:07 > 0:40:11- They used it as a caption contest, didn't they?- What won again?
0:40:11 > 0:40:13"Don't feed the animals."
0:40:13 > 0:40:17THEY LAUGH
0:40:17 > 0:40:21What about when your mam went to the priest cos she thought she had the stigmata?
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Yeah. But it was just eczema.
0:40:23 > 0:40:27Yeah! She was dead disappointed.
0:40:27 > 0:40:33- And what about when she won the fancy dress at the Feathers as Desmond Tutu?- Oh, yeah.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36But she hadn't gone as him, had she?
0:40:36 > 0:40:38- Who did she go as? - Shaun Wright-Phillips.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Shaun Wright-Phillips!
0:40:46 > 0:40:48How's your Lewis, Ant?
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Oh, he's great, yeah. He's great.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52He was in the school concert last week.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55He got picked to play the violin solo.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Wow.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00How's your kids doing, Dave?
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Oh, smashing, yeah. It was their school nativity the other day.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06- Ah!- Yeah, it was great.
0:41:06 > 0:41:11But Denise couldn't come because she was waiting for the DNA results on Jeremy Kyle.
0:41:11 > 0:41:12Yeah.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20- How did little Norma get on? - Oh, she was absolutely brilliant.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22She played the Virgin Mary...
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Aah!
0:41:24 > 0:41:29..but she couldn't remember any of her words, so she just did a forward roll.
0:41:30 > 0:41:33She's really got the acting bug now.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Was little David in it?
0:41:37 > 0:41:39Oh, yeah, he played one of the Three Wise Men.
0:41:39 > 0:41:43- Oh, which one?- The one with the wet patch who stands at the back waving.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Oh, nice one.
0:41:45 > 0:41:50Mm. I'll tell you what, Ant. There wasn't a prouder parent in there.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58Hey, Dave, don't say anything,
0:41:58 > 0:42:02but I'm thinking of asking Saskia to marry me on New Year's Eve.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04- No!- Yeah.
0:42:04 > 0:42:08- Ah, Ant! Honest?- Yeah.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11Come here!
0:42:11 > 0:42:12Ah, Ant.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17- Cheers, Dave.- Brilliant.
0:42:17 > 0:42:18Cheers.
0:42:24 > 0:42:25Thanks, Dave.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30CHERYL SOBS
0:42:30 > 0:42:34- Oh, don't upset yourself, Cheryl. - It's just I don't want to move.- Ah.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37It's me dad. He wants to move
0:42:37 > 0:42:40because the house has got too many memories.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Well, I can understand that, love.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45But I love those memories.
0:42:45 > 0:42:46Ah!
0:42:48 > 0:42:50I don't think he can get over what's happened.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52I think he's having a breakdown.
0:42:52 > 0:42:57Oh, Cheryl, I think you're worrying unnecessarily.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59What's making you think that?
0:42:59 > 0:43:03- I don't know.- Ah!
0:43:03 > 0:43:07# I know it could be Christmas
0:43:07 > 0:43:15# Every day. #
0:43:21 > 0:43:24Oh, thanks, Barbara.
0:43:27 > 0:43:28Oh, thanks, Denise.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47CHERYL SOBS AND SNIFFS
0:43:50 > 0:43:53I really miss her, Jim. I'm lost without her.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55She was the brains of the outfit.
0:43:55 > 0:43:59Hey? Oh, I know that. I know she was, Joe.
0:43:59 > 0:44:04I remember when she was on jury service and she got that confused, she, er,
0:44:04 > 0:44:07she owned up to the murders herself!
0:44:07 > 0:44:10THEY LAUGH
0:44:10 > 0:44:13Yeah, that was her. That was my Mary.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15Everywhere she went, she lit up a room.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19Aye. Them Chilean miners could have done with her for a while.
0:44:24 > 0:44:27Do you remember that day we went on an all-day session?
0:44:27 > 0:44:31Mary walked in and found us naked wrestling in front of the gas fire?
0:44:31 > 0:44:33That wasn't me, you bloody crackpot.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36That was you and Bob Carter.
0:44:36 > 0:44:38Eh? Oh, yeah.
0:44:38 > 0:44:40Bobby Carter. Oh, yeah.
0:44:42 > 0:44:46Are you sure you're doing the right thing moving, Joe?
0:44:46 > 0:44:47Yeah, I have to, Jim.
0:44:50 > 0:44:52How's Cheryl coping?
0:44:52 > 0:44:54Well, I think she's having a bit of a breakdown.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57She's comfort eating all the time.
0:44:57 > 0:45:02- Although she insists it's an overactive thyroid.- Joe!
0:45:02 > 0:45:05An overactive thyroid?
0:45:05 > 0:45:09It was very active last night. It cleaned out the biscuit tin.
0:45:13 > 0:45:15Ah, Joe.
0:45:20 > 0:45:23Ah, I wish you wasn't going, you know, Joe.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26It was hard enough to lose Mary. We don't want to lose you two as well.
0:45:29 > 0:45:31Thanks for today, Jim.
0:45:32 > 0:45:35She'd have loved it today, wouldn't she?
0:45:35 > 0:45:37Aye, she would that.
0:45:37 > 0:45:41Her two little cheeks all rosy red with too much sherry.
0:45:43 > 0:45:46She'd have had a Baileys in her hand and she'd be singing a song.
0:45:47 > 0:45:51# Over in Killarney
0:45:51 > 0:45:54# Many years ago
0:45:54 > 0:46:02# Me mother sang a song to me In tones so sweet and low
0:46:02 > 0:46:10# Just a simple little ditty In her good old Irish way
0:46:10 > 0:46:15# And I'd give the world if I could hear
0:46:15 > 0:46:21# Her sing that song today
0:46:21 > 0:46:26# Too-ra loo-ra loo-ra
0:46:27 > 0:46:33# Too-ra loo-ra lie
0:46:33 > 0:46:38# Too-ra loo-ra loo-ra
0:46:38 > 0:46:42# Hush now, don't you cry
0:46:42 > 0:46:48# Too-ra loo-ra loo-ra
0:46:48 > 0:46:54# Too-ra loo-ra lie
0:46:54 > 0:47:01# Too-ra loo-ra loo-ra
0:47:01 > 0:47:13# That's an Irish lullaby. #
0:47:16 > 0:47:18Nice, that, Joe.
0:47:18 > 0:47:19Nice, that.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24AFRICAN CHANT
0:47:24 > 0:47:28# Get it down you, Zulu warrior!
0:47:28 > 0:47:31# Get it down you, Zulu chief, chief, chief, chief
0:47:31 > 0:47:32# Asiyumba-yumba-yah
0:47:32 > 0:47:35# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah
0:47:35 > 0:47:37# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah
0:47:37 > 0:47:39# Asiyumba-yumba-yah
0:47:39 > 0:47:41# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah! #
0:47:41 > 0:47:45THEY CHEER
0:47:45 > 0:47:47# Get it down you, Zulu warrior!
0:47:47 > 0:47:51# Get it down you, Zulu chief, chief, chief, chief
0:47:51 > 0:47:54# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah
0:47:54 > 0:47:56# Asiyumba-yumba-yah
0:47:56 > 0:47:58# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah
0:47:58 > 0:47:59# Asiyumba-yumba-yah! #
0:47:59 > 0:48:01THEY CHEER
0:48:06 > 0:48:08Are we having another round?
0:48:08 > 0:48:10Oh, get off. You're joking, aren't you?
0:48:10 > 0:48:13Hey, I'll tell you what,
0:48:13 > 0:48:16you've struck gold with that little Saskia, haven't you?
0:48:16 > 0:48:18Oh, yeah, she's great. She's great.
0:48:20 > 0:48:25Hey, look, don't tell anyone, but I'm thinking of asking her to marry me on New Year's Eve.
0:48:25 > 0:48:27- I know, Dave told me.- Dave!
0:48:27 > 0:48:30Sorry, Ant. Words just fell out.
0:48:30 > 0:48:32I was trying to keep that quiet.
0:48:32 > 0:48:34- Well, your mother told me as well. - What?
0:48:34 > 0:48:36Two Royle weddings, eh?
0:48:36 > 0:48:38In one year!
0:48:38 > 0:48:40THEY CHEER AND HIT THE TABLE
0:48:44 > 0:48:46Mince pies, anyone?
0:48:46 > 0:48:49THEY CHEER
0:48:49 > 0:48:50# Asiyumba-yumba-yah
0:48:50 > 0:48:53# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah! #
0:48:53 > 0:48:55Jolly old mince-os!
0:48:59 > 0:49:01Mince-o pie-os!
0:49:01 > 0:49:04Hey up, here she comes. Congratulations, Saskia.
0:49:09 > 0:49:10Joe!
0:49:11 > 0:49:14- He's hasn't asked her yet. - Yes, he did, he just said so.
0:49:14 > 0:49:16He asked her on Christmas Eve.
0:49:16 > 0:49:19- It's New Year's Eve, Joe! - SASKIA: What is?
0:49:19 > 0:49:22- ANT: Nothing. - This is not the right moment.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24It might be the right moment.
0:49:24 > 0:49:27It's got nothing to do with you, Denise. This is Anthony's moment.
0:49:27 > 0:49:31- This could be a nice moment. - Let Anthony pick his own moment!
0:49:31 > 0:49:35He doesn't want to have his moment here, she might say no.
0:49:35 > 0:49:38She's not going to say no! She's up the duff, isn't she?
0:49:38 > 0:49:40- So why is he asking her again? - No, Dad, he's not.
0:49:40 > 0:49:43- He hasn't asked her yet.- Well, has he got the ring, do we know?
0:49:44 > 0:49:48Right, it's not exactly how I planned it, but...
0:49:50 > 0:49:52It looks like the moment.
0:49:52 > 0:49:55- It IS the moment. - What's he doing now?
0:49:55 > 0:49:57Saskia...
0:49:59 > 0:50:01..will you marry me?
0:50:10 > 0:50:11Yeah.
0:50:11 > 0:50:13THEY ALL CHEER
0:50:13 > 0:50:16# I'm getting married in the morning
0:50:16 > 0:50:20# Ding dong the bells are gonna chime
0:50:20 > 0:50:22# Pull out the stopper
0:50:22 > 0:50:24# Let's have a whopper
0:50:24 > 0:50:28# And get me to the church on time. #
0:50:28 > 0:50:31THEY ALL CHEER
0:50:31 > 0:50:33Congratulations, city slicker!
0:50:33 > 0:50:36This is a moment for Joe's special brandy!
0:50:36 > 0:50:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:50:42 > 0:50:44- Excuse me, everyone.- Quiet, please.
0:50:46 > 0:50:49I'm just going on the toilet again.
0:50:49 > 0:50:51Bloody hell, Dave!
0:50:51 > 0:50:54- What's the matter with him? - He's never off that toilet.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57Saskia, come and give your future father-in-law a little hug.
0:50:57 > 0:50:59URN SMASHES AND THEY GASP
0:50:59 > 0:51:02Oh, no. Look at me mam on the rug.
0:51:02 > 0:51:03Get her up, quick!
0:51:03 > 0:51:05I can't get her all up.
0:51:05 > 0:51:07She's sticking to the carpet.
0:51:07 > 0:51:10He's bound to notice she's not all in there.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13Well, why don't we put four scoops of Nana in with Mary?
0:51:13 > 0:51:17You can't mix dead people's ashes up, Denise.
0:51:17 > 0:51:19Don't be so disrespectful.
0:51:19 > 0:51:23- Can't you just hoover the rest of her up?- What, with me new Dyson?
0:51:23 > 0:51:25Hurry up, Barb. He'll be back any minute.
0:51:25 > 0:51:29- Has this ever happened to you on Christmas Day, Saskia?- No.
0:51:29 > 0:51:33HOOVER WHIRS
0:51:33 > 0:51:34I'm sorry, Cheryl.
0:51:34 > 0:51:36Look out, here he is.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38He's coming, he's coming!
0:51:38 > 0:51:42- What's happened?- Mary's in the Dyson.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44- What?- Mary's in the Dyson!
0:51:46 > 0:51:49- Who's in the Dyson? - We were just saying, Joe,
0:51:49 > 0:51:53- we didn't expect Mary to- die soon.
0:51:53 > 0:51:57Oh. Vacuuming on Christmas Day, Barbara?
0:51:57 > 0:51:59Yeah. She knocked an ashtray over, Joe.
0:51:59 > 0:52:01No, Joe.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03It's not that. It's... Um...
0:52:05 > 0:52:07We've got something to tell you, Joe.
0:52:09 > 0:52:13Do you want to tell him, Saskia, with you being a nurse?
0:52:14 > 0:52:16Hey, where's Mary's lid gone?
0:52:18 > 0:52:21Hang on, where's Mary gone?
0:52:25 > 0:52:28There's been an accident, Joe.
0:52:28 > 0:52:32- I'm afraid Mary's in the Dyson. - What?!
0:52:32 > 0:52:34My Mary's in the Dyson?
0:52:34 > 0:52:36- Sorry, Joe.- Sorry, Joe.
0:52:36 > 0:52:38- Sorry, Joe.- Sorry, Joe.
0:52:38 > 0:52:40- Sorry, Joe.- Sorry, Joe.
0:52:40 > 0:52:43Dad, she's not really in the Dyson.
0:52:43 > 0:52:46She's in heaven. She's gone now.
0:52:48 > 0:52:49Aye.
0:52:52 > 0:52:53Aye.
0:53:02 > 0:53:04Fancy telling him, Saskia.
0:53:04 > 0:53:06Saskia!
0:53:06 > 0:53:09Don't blame Saskia, Dad. Mam told her to tell him.
0:53:09 > 0:53:12Anyway, it's your fault for knocking it off in the first place.
0:53:12 > 0:53:16It's not my bloody fault. It's his bloody fault for falling on my toe in the first place.
0:53:16 > 0:53:17I was fixing YOUR tree lights.
0:53:17 > 0:53:19Leave Dave out of it, Dad.
0:53:19 > 0:53:21It's not his fault.
0:53:21 > 0:53:25- It's Mam's fault for dropping the frozen turkey on it in the first place.- It wasn't my fault.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28It was your Dad's fault cos he wouldn't double-bag it.
0:53:28 > 0:53:315p for a carrier bag! It's the coa-bloody-lition's fault.
0:53:31 > 0:53:34What's the coalition got to do with Mary being in the Dyson?
0:53:34 > 0:53:37Well, what did you get us a Dyson for in the first place?
0:53:37 > 0:53:39Jim, you know I've always wanted a Dyson.
0:53:39 > 0:53:41Yes, and look at the trouble it's caused.
0:53:41 > 0:53:45I don't think it's the Dyson's fault.
0:53:45 > 0:53:48Well, who has a dead old woman at the table on Christmas Day anyway?
0:53:48 > 0:53:53Jim, do you mind? That dead old woman is Cheryl's dead old mother!
0:53:53 > 0:53:55DOOR OPENS
0:53:55 > 0:53:57THEY GASP
0:53:57 > 0:53:59He's back.
0:54:05 > 0:54:12- Are you all right, Dad? - Yeah. You're right, love.
0:54:12 > 0:54:15You're mum's not in the Dyson,
0:54:15 > 0:54:18and she's really never been in the urn.
0:54:18 > 0:54:19She's in here.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22- She's in our hearts. Isn't she? - Yeah.
0:54:22 > 0:54:26You know, I've been dreading Christmas without her,
0:54:26 > 0:54:28but I've realised one thing.
0:54:30 > 0:54:33I'll never be on my own while I've got you lot.
0:54:33 > 0:54:36Ah!
0:54:36 > 0:54:38That's why I went back
0:54:38 > 0:54:40and took this down.
0:54:40 > 0:54:42Because we're going nowhere, Cheryl.
0:54:42 > 0:54:44THEY ALL CHEER
0:54:44 > 0:54:47MUSIC: "Up Where We Belong" by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes
0:54:53 > 0:54:57Come on, Mary, love. We're going home.
0:54:57 > 0:54:59THEY CHEER
0:55:06 > 0:55:09Nice one, Joey!
0:55:10 > 0:55:12SASKIA GASPS
0:55:12 > 0:55:14SASKIA BREATHES HEAVILY
0:55:17 > 0:55:19# So what do you say?
0:55:19 > 0:55:24# You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway
0:55:24 > 0:55:28# Half the world away
0:55:28 > 0:55:32# Half the world away
0:55:32 > 0:55:36# Half the world away
0:55:36 > 0:55:38# I've been lost I've been found
0:55:38 > 0:55:42# But I don't feel down. #
0:55:42 > 0:55:45E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk