0:00:06 > 0:00:09# I would like to leave this city
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# This old town don't smell too pretty
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# And I can feel the warning signs
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Runnin' around my mind
0:00:21 > 0:00:25# So what do you say?
0:00:25 > 0:00:29# You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway
0:00:29 > 0:00:34# Half the world away
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# Half the world away
0:00:38 > 0:00:42# Half the world away... #
0:00:44 > 0:00:48TV: # ..The joy, the beauty The joy, the beauty
0:00:48 > 0:00:56# Have a merry Christmas From me to you! #
0:00:56 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE ON TV
0:00:59 > 0:01:02NOEL: Merry Christmas...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04And a very merry Christmas to you!
0:01:04 > 0:01:11Yes, it's once again that time to celebrate the true spirit of Christmas.
0:01:11 > 0:01:17We have the spirit of love as we create emotional family reunions in S Africa and Canada.
0:01:17 > 0:01:24We have the spirit of peace. This is Sophia Clarke - she's written a poem for peace.
0:01:24 > 0:01:30And it's touched the hearts of the Prime Minister and the US President.
0:01:36 > 0:01:43We didn't half get through some tissues. ..Ted, you lost your voice because you talked so much...
0:01:43 > 0:01:47SHE HUMS TO HERSELF
0:01:50 > 0:01:52PHONE RINGS
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Hello?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Aw...! Hiya, love.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04How are you feeling, Denise?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Aw...
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- Ah... - TV SHOW CONTINUES
0:02:10 > 0:02:15Well, your nana's asleep, your dad's being miserable,
0:02:15 > 0:02:19and Antony and Dave are watching Noel Edmonds.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Yeah.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Yeah.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Oh?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Are you feeling better, then?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Aw... Yeah.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Well, it could've just been a bit of indigestion, love.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Yeah...
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Are you coming down, then?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Yeah... I think I will.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52Hey, ain't it great Dave got me this mobile phone?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Yeah!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Aw...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Should I come up and get you?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00No...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I'll be all right.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Bye.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08PHONE BEEPS
0:03:25 > 0:03:28TV SHOW IN BACKGROUND
0:03:28 > 0:03:34Hey, Dave, it's great that mobile you bought for our Denise. It's dead handy.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39- She's just phoned from upstairs. - It's meant to be for emergencies -
0:03:39 > 0:03:42when the baby's born.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Bloody hell! They're not cheap!
0:03:45 > 0:03:49- How much are they, Dave?- 40 notes.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Bloody hell!
0:03:54 > 0:03:58NOEL CONTINUES TALKING
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- You all right?- Yeah.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- Have a nice sleep?- Yeah.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20- Hey, Dave...- Mmm?- I really love that mobile that you got me.
0:04:20 > 0:04:26- You're not meant to be using it from upstairs!- I only rang me mam on it!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I bet you them calls are not cheap either!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Ooh, that advocaat!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Don't half make me sleepy, Barbara.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Does it?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Would you like another one(?)
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Oh, here, Antony...
0:04:53 > 0:04:56What time are you going to Emma's?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Well, her mum said 5.00 for 5.30,
0:04:59 > 0:05:04- so I think that means about quarter past.- Mmm...
0:05:05 > 0:05:11Oh, ain't it funny you having to have two Christmas dinners?!
0:05:11 > 0:05:16It's OK. They're all vegetarians, so we're having a nut roast.
0:05:16 > 0:05:22The tight gits! All that money and they won't fork out for a bit of turkey!
0:05:22 > 0:05:27NAN: I can't believe they're having their Christmas dinner at night.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- It'll lay heavy on them, won't it? - Yeah.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37- Will you be staying late, Antony? - Yeah...
0:05:37 > 0:05:41After they've had their dinner, they always play charades,
0:05:41 > 0:05:45you know, and parlour games and that.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Parlour games!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Is their telly broke?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Parlour games, my arse!
0:06:05 > 0:06:09I'll tell you what you'd be good at - hunt the giro!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Ooh, I think they're right.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19We could do that - play some sort of a game.
0:06:22 > 0:06:28Remember that Christmas we tried to play rummy and your nana had two kings in her handbag?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I didn't know they were there!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37But they did come in handy for that royal flush!
0:06:37 > 0:06:41And I won £13 off Jim that night!
0:06:42 > 0:06:47Hey, Jim, wasn't that the Christmas you didn't sleep?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:56 > 0:07:04What do you want to go round there for for all that bloody shite when you could be here watching the box?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Parlour games, my arse! They want to get out a bit more, that lot!
0:07:08 > 0:07:13NOEL: 'Welcome to Hastings Park, Vancouver...'
0:07:13 > 0:07:16What time are we going to my mum and dad's, Denise?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Oh...
0:07:18 > 0:07:24I don't really wanna go, Dave... Why don't you go on your own?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Me mam's doing a turkey buffet - there's only me and you going!
0:07:28 > 0:07:34If we don't go, it'll only be my mum and dad - and my dad goes to bed early.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I don't really fancy it, Dave.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I feel a bit funny.
0:07:43 > 0:07:50The one day of the year we all get together to watch bloody television and look at the shite they put on!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52That's going for a burton!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56MUSIC: "Walking In The Air" Oh, get off, Jim!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I liked him - Noel Crinkly Bottom.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04You do whatever you like! You don't care about your family!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Oh, Crinkly Bottom, my arse!
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Did you like that turkey, Jim?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46It was a little bit dry, wasn't it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Oh...?
0:08:48 > 0:08:53- ..Did you, Mam? - I've never liked turkey, Barbara.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59..Did you like it, Dave?
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Mmm... I could take it or leave it, me, Barbara.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06..Did you like it, Denise?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10No, I didn't like it. There was no flavour.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17- ..How about you, Antony? - Not bothered, really...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19you know...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Oh...
0:09:23 > 0:09:29Oh, I don't think I'll bother getting a turkey next Christmas.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- ALL: Oh? - What's the matter?
0:09:34 > 0:09:39- Barbara!- Mam, you've got to have a turkey at Christmas!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Bloody hell, Barb, don't be such a killjoy!
0:09:44 > 0:09:50Well, you all made me get a Christmas pudding, but none of you have had any!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Oh, I wonder how Cheryl's got on.
0:10:00 > 0:10:07Mary's had to cook her a WeightWatchers Christmas dinner, you know, low-fat?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Ah...has she?- Yeah.
0:10:11 > 0:10:18- Mary says Cheryl's met a lovely new friend at WeightWatchers.- Has she?
0:10:18 > 0:10:24- Yeah - a big fat girl from Hyde. - Aw...- I like the sound of that!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26The big bride...from Hyde!
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Oh, hey... Let's all have a snowball.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47Don't snowballs make you feel Christmassy, eh?
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Yeah...
0:10:48 > 0:10:54Snowballs, my arse! It's a bloody swizz, this Christmas lark!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59NAN: D-D-Denise...?
0:10:59 > 0:11:05Denise, you know that book you bought for Cheryl - what's it about?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Oh, feng shui, Nana.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10What's "feng dooey"?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14When you move things around in your house to bring you happiness.
0:11:14 > 0:11:20- Oh.- I'd only have to move one thing in this house to make me happy.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22TITTERING
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Hey, Nana, do you know what Cheryl got me?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- What?- A birthing tape.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What tape?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Well, she put all my favourite songs on one tape,
0:11:46 > 0:11:52cos it said in the baby book it'll relax you for when you're birthing.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57- Yeah?- She's a right big girl is Cheryl, ain't she?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04BARBARA HUMS A TUNE
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Cheers, Mam.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Dave...
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- Thanks, Barbara. - Here you are, love.- Ta.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Ta, Barb.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Here, Mam.- Ta, love.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37This always reminds me of your dad, Barbara.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Here we go again!
0:12:39 > 0:12:44He always used to make me a snowball.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48I always miss him more at Christmas, you know...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I don't know why...
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Oh, Mam...!
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- ..Anyway, happy Christmas, everybody!- Happy Christmas!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Happy Christmas!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Bloody hell!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26NAN LAUGHS
0:13:50 > 0:13:56- Denise?- Yeah? - Have you decided what you're doing the for the Millennium yet?
0:13:56 > 0:14:01- Well, we talked about if for ages, didn't we, Dave?- Mmm.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- In the end, we decided we'd just come round here, really.- Aw...
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Round here.- Aw...
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- You still doing a buffet?- Yeah!
0:14:12 > 0:14:16We've invited Mary and Joe and Cheryl.
0:14:16 > 0:14:22I hope you haven't invited Cheryl's mate! There'll be no buffet left for us, the big, fat, lazy heifer!
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Mary's really looking forward to it.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Joe's not really bothered.
0:14:32 > 0:14:39- She said he can't get excited about the Millennium.- That's a surprise(!) Millennium, my arse!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43It's just another bloody swizz to rip me off!
0:14:43 > 0:14:48I'll treat it like any other New Year's Eve. I'll get bladdered.
0:14:48 > 0:14:54- I'm doing nothing else! He can take it or leave it.- Who can, Dad?
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Tony bloody Blair and his shower who organised it.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01It's just a con to get more money out of me.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05NAN: I am stopping over on "Minnellium" night, aren't I?
0:15:05 > 0:15:12- Yeah. - Cos I wouldn't want to miss it.- Why? What was the last one like, Norma(?)
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- # We're walking in the air... # - Oooh!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36It just kicked!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Do you want a little feel, Dave?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42No, you're all right.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48# ..The people down below are sleeping... #
0:15:48 > 0:15:53- Oh, could anyone eat a sandwich? - What's on it, Barbara?
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Well, turkey!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56No, thanks.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00# ..I'm holding very tight
0:16:00 > 0:16:06# I'm gliding in the midnight gloom... #
0:16:06 > 0:16:11The stuffing was a recipe from This Morning, you know, Denise.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Oh...
0:16:12 > 0:16:18Mind you, I hadn't got all the ingredients, so I just mixed it with a bit of Paxo.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Oh...
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Ooh, you work so hard on that Christmas dinner!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28You're planning it for weeks...
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Before you know it, it's all been eaten.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35What a waste!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- Yeah.- Mmm...
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Have you finished the washing-up? - No.
0:16:43 > 0:16:49I thought if your nana's not going to be here tonight, I'd do it then.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54- The kitchen's like Beirut, Denise. - Is it?- Yeah.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Hey, Nana...- Mmm?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02What time have you to be at Elsie's?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Well, I don't want to be late.
0:17:04 > 0:17:09Elsie goes to bed early, you know, with being housebound.
0:17:10 > 0:17:16- It's the first time her daughter's ever left her at Christmas.- Aw...!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- South Africa they're going to.- Oh?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Cape Town.
0:17:23 > 0:17:29She's practically had everything out of Marks & Spencers for outfits for Cape Town.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31SHE BURPS
0:17:31 > 0:17:35A lot of people are doing that now -
0:17:35 > 0:17:40- going away for Christmas. I couldn't do it.- I bloody could!
0:17:40 > 0:17:45It's a bloody racket now, Christmas, a swizz, the bloody lot of it!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- Mam...?- Mmm?
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- What did you get for Elsie in the end?- Oh, well...
0:17:54 > 0:17:58- You know that blue cardigan of mine? - Yeah.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I never liked it on me.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Well...that.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Oh...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10..I bought her that!
0:18:15 > 0:18:21Denise, it's bloody expensive to ring someone on one of them mobiles.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26- Don't be expecting us to ring you on that!- They're for emergencies.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- Emergencies only.- I know, Dave!
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Oh, God, you'd knock the good out of anything, you!
0:18:34 > 0:18:38David, Denise, it's Christmas Day, we're having our snowballs!
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- < You know Emma's mum and dad? - Mmm...
0:18:47 > 0:18:52- They've got a widescreen telly.- Ooh! - Have they, Lurch?- Yeah...
0:18:52 > 0:18:56And it's got, like, panoramic sound.
0:18:56 > 0:19:02- It's top! - Panoramic sound and they're playing stupid bloody parlour games!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04He must have money to burn, him!
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- Widescreen telly... Oh!- Mmm...
0:19:10 > 0:19:16- Denise, I'd love to watch your wedding video on a widescreen telly! - Yeah!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Ooh...! >
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Oh, I would, I really, really would.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Mmm... Oh, I'd love a widescreen telly!
0:19:25 > 0:19:29It'd be absolutely brilliant!
0:19:29 > 0:19:34You'd still see the same old shite on the bloody thing, but wider!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37What's the point of one of them?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45What time is Dibley on? I do like that big funny girl,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49the one that dresses up as a vicar, you know?
0:19:49 > 0:19:54- Yeah.- Isn't Only Fools And Horses on, Barb? Where's the Radio Times?
0:19:54 > 0:20:00Ooh, I must've left it up in the toilet when I was trying earlier!
0:20:00 > 0:20:05I'd a Christmas log there earlier! You can't whack a Christmas log!
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Dad! It's Christmas Day!
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Christmas Day, my arse!
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- What time's dinner tomorrow, Barbara?- About 3.00, Mam.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19I'll come at 12.00 - just to be on the safe side.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24- I'm only going to be doing cold turkey and chips.- Lovely!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27No turkey for me, Barbara.
0:20:33 > 0:20:40Ooh, I've got some sausage rolls there I could heat up! Now, does anyone fancy a sausage roll? ..Jim?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42No...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Denise? David?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46THEY GROAN
0:20:46 > 0:20:51Antony, have another Celebration - it is Christmas Day!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54No, you're all right. Cheers, Mam.
0:20:54 > 0:21:00Ooh, Barbara, I'd love a date! Where are they, Barbara?
0:21:02 > 0:21:06(I'm going barmy with her!)
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"Eat Me Dates"!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17How do they think them up?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22< I think I best get off to Emma's.
0:21:22 > 0:21:28Oh, Antony, have you got any presents to take round for them?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- No, I've gave Emma hers.- Oh...
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Should I wrap some Roses up for you in a little bag?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38If I take the wrappings out of here...
0:21:38 > 0:21:41you'd never know they'd been opened.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45It's all right - I don't want to take them anything.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53See you tomorrow, Nana. All right, love.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Cheers for that record token!
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Hey, Antony, are you going to tell Emma tonight that you love her?
0:22:03 > 0:22:07You DO love her! You do, you love her!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- He does! - EVERYONE AGREES
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Hey, Lurkio!
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Film...
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Book...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Stage play...
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Four words...
0:22:21 > 0:22:23First word...
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Second word...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Third word...
0:22:29 > 0:22:32And fourth word...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34sounds like...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38No?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Love On The D-hole!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48NAN: Have a nice time, love.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50See you later.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Happy Christmas!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54See you, tubby!
0:22:54 > 0:22:59- Jim!- Well, I'm only giving him a bit of practice for after the nut roast!
0:23:01 > 0:23:07- Hey, Barbara, you know that stuff that Antony bought me from Body Shop, don't you?- Yeah.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12Do you know what it said on it? "Not tested on animals".
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- What do you think? - Well, how do you mean?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Well, supposing some were to fall on a dog?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I didn't say anything to Antony.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- Wasn't his fault.- No.- No.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32Hey, Mam, this is the first time our Antony's ever bought us presents.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Yeah! She's good for him, that Emma, ain't she?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41- He got me the Delia Smith cookery book.- Aw...
0:23:41 > 0:23:46Bloody hell, you might be getting coriander on the old Dairylea soon!
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- Oh, Jim...!- I know! Bloody Christmas Day!
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I love them gloves what Dad bought you, Mam.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Yeah... Well, he didn't actually buy them for me.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I bought them and I wrapped them,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- but he did write the tag.- Aw!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Barbara, what can I do with this stone?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Here, Mam.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16- Put it in one of these sweetie wrappers.- Ta.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Don't put it back in there, Mam.
0:24:39 > 0:24:44I can't stop thinking about poor old Elsie on her own all day.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49Jim, you're right! I must go to her!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51..Will you give me a lift, Dave?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Of course, I will, Nana, yeah.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08You right now, then, Nana?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I'll take you now. All right.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26I've got some nice cold turkey and stuffing for you to take to Elsie.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Can I keep this hat, Barbara?
0:25:34 > 0:25:39I'd like to show it to Elsie. She'd like that, being housebound.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43- Do you want to take her a hat, Mam? - Oh, yes, please, love!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Do you want to take her a cracker?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49No, I don't think she'd be up to pulling it.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52She's very weak, you know.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I don't think she could stand the bang.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Mind you, I think she'd like one of them little toys.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09She's been a bit egg-bound lately.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14The bang might start the ball rolling.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18You all right, Nana? Oh, ta, love.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23Egg-bound? Housebound? Not much hope for poor bloody Elsie, is there?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Is that all right? Ta, love.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- Here you are, Mam.- Thanks, love.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- All your presents are in there. - Thanks.
0:26:33 > 0:26:40Thanks for getting them all from Marks's. I can take them back at the sales and get twice as much.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- Bye, Nana.- Bye-bye, love.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50- Thanks for the Boots voucher. - Oh, it was a pleasure, love.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55- See you tomorrow.- Can't wait(!) Season's greetings, Norma(!)
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Jim, I marked off in the Radio Times what I want you to video for me.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Won't be long.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07You be careful swerving round them corners with Nana on the back!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10We don't want her falling off(!)
0:27:18 > 0:27:22MOTORBIKE REVS UP
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Ain't Christmas Day a long day?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Yeah.
0:27:30 > 0:27:36- I know it's the same as any other day, but it does seem long.- Yeah.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38It does.
0:27:38 > 0:27:44- Hey, Mam, can you imagine me nana and Elsie in their hats?- Aw...!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47They'll be asleep by 7.00.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Yeah!
0:27:51 > 0:27:58It's lovely when you get to that age and all you have to think about is nodding off with somebody there.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Bugger off! She's gone round there to save her own gas bill!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- Guess what...- What?
0:28:07 > 0:28:11- I've got to go to the toilet.- Oh...
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Bloody hell! It's Vanessa!
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Well, I'm as full as a bull's bum.
0:28:39 > 0:28:46- Oh, Jim!- I'll tell you what - don't bother with the sausage rolls. I'll have a couple of boiled eggs
0:28:46 > 0:28:49after all that rich food.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Just do us a few soldiers...
0:28:52 > 0:28:54And cut the crusts off, will you?
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Right...
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Oh, Jim...
0:29:01 > 0:29:07- I've got all that horrible washing-up to do. - Well, it won't do itself.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14TV: Welcome Chris DeBurgh...
0:29:14 > 0:29:20- # No business like show business... # - Ask Denise to get the Radio Times.
0:29:28 > 0:29:29Denise?
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Mam, will you come up?
0:29:34 > 0:29:37HE FARTS
0:29:49 > 0:29:53Oh, Mam, a load of water's came out...!
0:29:53 > 0:29:56I think me waters have broken...
0:29:56 > 0:29:58- Oh!- And Dave's not even here.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Oh, Denise...
0:30:00 > 0:30:04Oh, my God, Denise! Oh, Denise!
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Wait there! I'll go and ring Dave on the mobile!
0:30:07 > 0:30:10- Yeah... I've got the mobile!- Oh!
0:30:10 > 0:30:14- Oh, God... I'll ring the hospital... - Yeah...
0:30:14 > 0:30:16- I'll tell your Dad...- Yeah...
0:30:16 > 0:30:17JIM!
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Mam, don't leave me!
0:30:19 > 0:30:21JIM!
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Jim!
0:30:23 > 0:30:27- Get upstairs! Denise's waters have broken.- What's broken?
0:30:27 > 0:30:31Her waters! Go and calm her down. She's upset cos Dave's not here.
0:30:31 > 0:30:36Take her this birthing tape! Come on! NOW!
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Bloody hell! What is it - the bloody Dam Busters?
0:30:39 > 0:30:43And Dave would've been here, only for your bloody mother!
0:30:43 > 0:30:48HE HUMS "The Dam Busters"
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Denise, it's your dad, love.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Come in, Dad, come in.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01It's not too messy, is it?
0:31:01 > 0:31:04No, come in.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15- HE KISSES HER - You're all right.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23What's the matter?
0:31:23 > 0:31:25I don't know.
0:31:25 > 0:31:31I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be doing off my baby book.
0:31:31 > 0:31:38- I'm supposed to be doing my breathing, and I can't even remember how to breathe.- Come on!
0:31:38 > 0:31:41You'll be all right. Here...
0:31:41 > 0:31:44- Let's play your tape, eh? - MUSIC STARTS
0:31:57 > 0:32:04# Pie Jesu
0:32:04 > 0:32:10# Pie Jesu... #
0:32:21 > 0:32:24- Denise...- Yeah?
0:32:24 > 0:32:27You definitely sure it wasn't just a great big piss, love?
0:32:29 > 0:32:32No, I know it wasn't.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35But I don't know what I'm gonna do.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38And Dave's gonna miss it...
0:32:38 > 0:32:41And he's supposed to be helping me with me breathing...
0:32:41 > 0:32:46He's supposed to be counting them things, he was supposed to be...
0:32:46 > 0:32:49them things what I'm having...
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Dad, I'm so scared...!
0:32:52 > 0:32:56I don't even think I want the baby any more.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00And I don't think Dave wants it either.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04He didn't even want to feel it kicking before.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09And I bet you he'll leave it all to me.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13And I don't even know anything about babies.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16You'll be all right.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18There's nothing to it.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24What if the baby doesn't like me?
0:33:24 > 0:33:27What if I don't like the baby?
0:33:27 > 0:33:31Of course you'll like it - you'll love it.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36I remember the first time your mum...
0:33:36 > 0:33:39when your mum put...
0:33:39 > 0:33:43you in my arms and I looked at you...
0:33:43 > 0:33:48Oh, God, you were beautiful and I knew... I knew then...
0:33:48 > 0:33:52I'd do anything for you, anything for you.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55And our Antony.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58# ..Agnus Dei... #
0:33:58 > 0:34:02What if I'm not a good mum like me mam?
0:34:03 > 0:34:06You'll be a wonderful mother!
0:34:06 > 0:34:10# ..Agnus Dei... #
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Dad...
0:34:15 > 0:34:20If Dave doesn't come back, will you come with me to the hospital?
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Of course I will!
0:34:23 > 0:34:26I'll be right there...
0:34:26 > 0:34:27outside...
0:34:27 > 0:34:30but your mum'll be inside with you.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34You promise you'll stay with me?
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Of course I'll stay with you.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40I'll always be there for you...
0:34:40 > 0:34:43- Yeah...- Always...
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Hey, Denise...
0:34:48 > 0:34:50..I'm gonna be a grandad!
0:35:03 > 0:35:06NEW SONG STARTS ON TAPE
0:35:10 > 0:35:15# She may be the face I can't forget
0:35:15 > 0:35:19# The trace of pleasure or regret... #
0:35:19 > 0:35:23I phoned the hospital. They told me to tell you to come in.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26The taxi's on its way.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30- Bloody hell, Barb! It's double fare Christmas Day!- Oh, Jim!
0:35:30 > 0:35:33- ..Let's get you downstairs.- Come on.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Let's go.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40HE SWITCHES TAPE OFF
0:35:42 > 0:35:45Let me go first, love.
0:35:45 > 0:35:50Now don't slip on this carpet with those shoes on your little feet.
0:35:50 > 0:35:55- Are you all right?- Yeah. - Are you hurting?- Yeah.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57It'll be over soon.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00- Oh!- Oh...
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Sit down, love, sit down.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06Breathe, Denise, breathe.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10- Breathe... - THEY ALL BREATHE - Good girl!
0:36:10 > 0:36:13- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, please let that be Dave!
0:36:13 > 0:36:15..Oh, Dave!
0:36:15 > 0:36:17What's going on?
0:36:17 > 0:36:20It's all right. Her waters broke!
0:36:20 > 0:36:25Trust you not to be here! You're a right useless lump of shite!
0:36:25 > 0:36:29- I was taking your nana home. - It's all right, Dave.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Oh, Denise... Denise!
0:36:32 > 0:36:36- You might give birth on Christmas Day!- Jesus!
0:36:36 > 0:36:39CAR TOOTS ITS HORN
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Jim, taxi!
0:36:42 > 0:36:46- Hang on a minute, pal. - I'll just put me shoes on!
0:36:48 > 0:36:51I can't believe it, Dave!
0:36:51 > 0:36:53It's not due for three weeks.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56- I hope it's all right.- Yeah.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58I love you, Denise.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Dave, your helmet, you clown!
0:37:02 > 0:37:06..Mam! We need to go now!
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Dave, wait for me!
0:37:15 > 0:37:17I'm switching these off.
0:37:17 > 0:37:21- I'm not made of money! - Jim, your daughter's in agony!
0:37:21 > 0:37:24Here, love, get your shoes on.
0:37:24 > 0:37:28- Ta. I'm all right. - Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30No, I can walk meself.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Tell the driver to follow that star!
0:37:42 > 0:37:45CAR STARTS UP
0:37:50 > 0:37:58# Have yourself a merry little Christmas
0:37:58 > 0:38:04# Let your heart be light
0:38:07 > 0:38:17# From now on, our troubles will be out of sight
0:38:25 > 0:38:33# Have yourself a merry little Christmas
0:38:33 > 0:38:40# Make the yuletide gay
0:38:42 > 0:38:55# From now on, our troubles will be miles away
0:38:56 > 0:39:03# And have yourself...
0:39:03 > 0:39:13# A merry little Christmas Night. #
0:39:14 > 0:39:20Subtitles by Martin Maguire BBC Scotland 1999