0:00:03 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Christmas Television Programme.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Merry Christmas, everyone.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53People always talk about the good old days of TV at Christmas,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56don't they? "Oh, it was so much better then.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00"25 million people sat down to watch the same programme."
0:01:00 > 0:01:02That's because they had no choice.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05It's like saying the Blitz was popular.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10In the days of one TV, your mam could stop you watching
0:01:10 > 0:01:12too much telly on Christmas day, couldn't she?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Now you can disappear into the toilet for half-an-hour
0:01:15 > 0:01:16with your iPhone.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19"Are you watching telly in there?"
0:01:19 > 0:01:22"No, Ma, just had too many boiled eggs this morning."
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I like to combine certain sweets with particular shows.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29It's a bit like finding the right wine for the right meat, you know?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32For Strictly, I like Quality Street
0:01:32 > 0:01:35cos then I can make my own outfit out of the wrappers.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38That justifies both tins.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45For News at Ten, I have After Eights.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And for EastEnders, I like Jelly Babies
0:01:47 > 0:01:49because someone must die!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55When babies are born on December 25th,
0:01:55 > 0:01:57they are often given names like Noel and Holly.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I'd call mine Rennie.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06They still have The Snowman on every year.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I worry, though, cos it first came out in 1980.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Given what other celebrities were doing back then,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13you half expect to see the boy
0:02:13 > 0:02:15with a snowy handprint on his pyjama bottoms.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28As tribute to The Voice, when carol singers come to my house,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I turn my back on them.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35They put those Christmas lectures on as well, don't they?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38As if we need more things to fall asleep to!
0:02:38 > 0:02:42I saw one called How Climate Change Affects The War Between Plants And Animals.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46I didn't even know there WAS a war between plants and animals.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Plants are at a disadvantage really, aren't they?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Given that they're food.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Well, garnish!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Thank God the telly is so good at Christmas.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59It has to be -
0:02:59 > 0:03:03you've got relatives, alcohol and carving knives in the same place.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Wallace and Gromit should work for the United Nations!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I think the ultimate Christmas special would be Dr Who
0:03:11 > 0:03:12turns up in Downton Abbey
0:03:12 > 0:03:15and teaches Mrs Patmore how to do perfect roast potatoes.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Then flies, with the Snowman,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20to Albert Square where he rescues the Queen from a fire.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23And puts the whole story in a Kirstie Allsopp snow globe.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Oh! SHE CHUCKLES
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Oh!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I don't know how long that's been there!
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Looks all right.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Save the rest for New Year's Eve.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53My friend said...
0:03:53 > 0:03:57My friend said she'd bought herself a Christmas scented candle.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I said, "Why?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01"Christmas at mine smells of feet, sprouts
0:04:01 > 0:04:03"and nine people in a warm room for ten hours."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Considering the amount of farting that happens
0:04:08 > 0:04:11watching Christmas telly, you're better off never leaving the room.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14That way, at least you stay acclimatised.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Does anyone here do Midnight Mass?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22To me, it sounds like a particularly harsh
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Christmas WeightWatchers meeting.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I bet Midnight Mass is just full of drunk people
0:04:27 > 0:04:30cos it's after pub kicking-out time, isn't it?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"They'll have wine."
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"Can I have chilli sauce on my communion wafer, please?"
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Christmas is the only time of year you can shit on the roof
0:04:44 > 0:04:45and blame it on a reindeer.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Setting fire to the Christmas pudding is a tradition.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Something your dad always wants to do.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56And if it doesn't light straight away, he says,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59"I know what'll help this." And comes back with a jerry can.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02"I know what I'm doing.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"I did this last year in the OLD house."
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I don't have any grandparents any more.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12It's a shame you can't get a rescue one, isn't it?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17There should be, like, a Battersea Dogs Home for nans.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Their motto could be, "Grandmas aren't for life,
0:05:21 > 0:05:22"they're just for Christmas.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26"And possibly birthdays.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"This is Ethel. She sometimes snaps.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"Not good with children.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"Barks at the telly.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35"Partially house-trained.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38"Used to be one of a pair."
0:05:38 > 0:05:40AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43With a lot of people living overseas now, it's quite common
0:05:43 > 0:05:47for the family to watch their young relatives open presents on a webcam.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51There's nothing like seeing their little faces light up, then go dark,
0:05:51 > 0:05:55then freeze, then wobble a bit, then turn it off.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58If they really loved me, they'd be here.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Christmas is when people send their news via a round robin.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06They're only really fun if you know the couple well
0:06:06 > 0:06:08and know what really happened.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10"Ian continues to be a handful at school."
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Borstal!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16There was one I got from a couple I knew who had gone on holiday,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18argued the whole way there
0:06:18 > 0:06:20and didn't speak for their two-week break.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21And their round robin said,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"Michael and I had a wonderful time in Antigua,
0:06:24 > 0:06:25"we got a lot of reading done."
0:06:28 > 0:06:30But, for me, Christmas is all about watching telly.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34And you know what's changed the way we do that? Sky+.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Although my mam still refuses to pause live TV.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40She thinks she'll be behind everyone for ever.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Like, she'll be forced to live in the past.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Once upon a time, there wasn't enough good telly.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Now there's too much.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I've never seen my boyfriend look more worried
0:06:51 > 0:06:54than when the planner says we've got 3% left.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00We've got all these programmes recorded that have been there all year.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03We're clearly never going to get round to watching them.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05It's important to be self aware, I think.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07You're never writing that book, it's too late for kids,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11and you're never going to watch BBC Four's The Story Of Jazz.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15We should have an amnesty.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I've got a documentary called How To Build A Bionic Man.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21I think I was just lonely.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Can I have your permission to delete that? Yes!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Thanks!
0:07:28 > 0:07:32It's always gratifying when deleting something frees up a surprising amount of space, isn't it?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35The Olympic opening ceremony was 8%.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I broke my own world record.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Christmas adverts are brilliant, aren't they?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I loved it when September came around so I could start watching them.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49My favourite Christmas advert is for Disney perfume
0:07:49 > 0:07:52because you can't beat the great smell of duck, can you?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Would you like a little squirt of me Mickey?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I'm a bit uncomfortable, actually.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02What is that?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Oh!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I love Phillip Schofield.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11They say for men's hair, it's good to have a bit of salt and pepper.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Phillip Schofield is all salt.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I don't mind a high sodium diet.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I'm not the only one. Everyone has a crush on someone on TV.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23A psychologist told me
0:08:23 > 0:08:25that it's often a person who reminds you of your dad.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30At least, that's what I put my attraction to Samuel L Jackson down to.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33The giveaway that boys have a crush on someone on TV
0:08:33 > 0:08:35is when they put a cushion on their lap.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41My boyfriend did it during Springwatch once.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I thought, "I hope that's for Michaela Strachan,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48"because I don't know if I can compete with a stoat."
0:08:52 > 0:08:55A friend of mine fancies Bruce Parry off Tribe.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58She says that if she dated a bloke who was that comfortable in a jungle
0:08:58 > 0:09:01she'd save a fortune on bikini waxes.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Gordon Ramsay's an attractive bloke but he's always frowning, isn't he?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10You'd worry that his sex face was the same as the one he pulls
0:09:10 > 0:09:12when there's not enough seasoning in a risotto.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17A friend of mine fancies Phil Spencer
0:09:17 > 0:09:20and uses estate agent speak whenever we're watching him.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24"He could see a knickers reduction opportunity with me.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26"He could flip me for a profit.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"Ooh, he could knock my hallway through any day."
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Yes, I love Christmas.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I bought a chocolate Advent calendar this year.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I came home from work the next day, my boyfriend looked really guilty.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I said, "What have you done?"
0:09:50 > 0:09:52He said, "I've just eaten a fortnight."
0:09:57 > 0:10:00You can tell what social class you're in by the kind of eggs
0:10:00 > 0:10:04you have on Christmas morning. Eggs Benedict - posh.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Poached eggs - trying to be posh.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09And if you're common as muck like me, Easter eggs.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Oh, this must be my present from the BBC.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Oh, I love opening a present.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I love opening presents. Let's do that.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Oh, it's Phillip Schofield!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Merry Christmas!
0:10:32 > 0:10:35SARAH GIGGLES
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Hello. Merry Christmas, darling. Oh, don't do that!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I've loved you since I was 12.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Merry Christmas, and thank you so much for being on the show,
0:10:49 > 0:10:50lovely Phillip Schofield.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Yours is the only show I wanted to be on.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Oh, really? Yeah.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Oh, apart from like This Morning and The Cube,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00and Dancing On Ice?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Yeah, yeah, apart from all of those.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05This is a really big moment for me.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Cos we've never met, have we? Our paths have never crossed.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13No, and even now, we're separated by distance, which is unfair.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16This feels like this might be a legal thing, though.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22I've got a question for you. Holly or Fern?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26That's a tricky one. That's a very tricky one.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30We had such a brilliant time with Fern, that was marvellous,
0:11:30 > 0:11:31and we clicked.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33And I thought no-one could ever replace her,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37and then along came Holly, who is just such a delight to work with.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40And I love going into work every morning to see her.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I meant as a table decoration, but OK.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Yeah, you can compare two women if you want.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Now, you've done a lot of testicle examinations on This Morning.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Is there any chance an enthusiastic amateur could come and have a go?
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Yeah, definitely. You're on the list. I've got warm hands.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21You're quite the Silver Fox, aren't you?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Do the curtains match the carpet, or...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28..do you have a bit of Just For Men down below?
0:12:30 > 0:12:35I'll answer you honestly, as decently as I can at Christmas.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37And that is, look at that,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39and look at those.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44LAUGHTER
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Oh, no. I'm quite warm.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51LAUGHTER
0:12:51 > 0:12:53So am I.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57You once received some pubic hair in the post from a fan.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Yes! Has that gone grey now, too?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Because it shouldn't because it isn't.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07So that WAS you?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I have actually written to you in the past.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I wrote to you a number of times, when I was sort of 12, 13,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22when you were in the Broom Cupboard. Going Live! kind of era.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I sent a photograph of my bedroom once to you.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Cos it had pictures of you.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30And you sent it back and wrote on the back, "A true fan,"
0:13:30 > 0:13:32and then signed it.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34But the point is that you sent it back.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37AUDIENCE: Awww.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Do you know, bizarrely...
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I have a vague recollection of that. No, shut up!
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Even if you're lying, that has made me very happy. I never lie.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Mm-hm.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Probably the most recent one, and it was a long time ago,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05you did a show on Radio 2.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Yeah. Well, Radio 1. Was it Radio 1?
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Oh, it's because I forget that Radio 1 exists now cos I'm 38.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Must have been Radio 1 back when I was allowed to listen,
0:14:15 > 0:14:19and it was your birthday and I sent you a birthday card
0:14:19 > 0:14:22and in the card it had a hamster, like a cartoon hamster,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24and inside I made out, hilariously, right,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27that the card was from the hamster.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32And you read it out on your Radio 1 show and then afterwards you said,
0:14:32 > 0:14:36"Remember, you don't have to try to be funny!"
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Do you know what?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Bizarrely...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47..I don't remember that.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50This is my best Christmas present ever.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52What's the best Christmas present you've ever received?
0:14:52 > 0:14:56When I was really little, my mum and dad stayed up late
0:14:56 > 0:14:58in the weeks and weeks leading up to Christmas,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01and made me my own zoo, a handmade zoo.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04My dad was really very, very clever with his hands.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07He was a brilliant craftsmen. I wish I'd kept my zoo.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I'll make you a zoo.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14All the animals will have proper hair and everything.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22SARAH CHUCKLES
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Do you ever think about making the competition questions
0:15:29 > 0:15:30in This Morning a bit,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33A, harder,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35B, ridiculously easy,
0:15:35 > 0:15:36or C, Lionel Richie?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Definitely C.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47What do you do when a guest doesn't turn up,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50like, if somebody's stuck in traffic, or for whatever reason
0:15:50 > 0:15:53they don't arrive and you need a guest, what do you do then?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Well, after we've tried to contact you... I was going to say,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I am normally really close, Phillip.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I've seen the smears up the studio window.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Have you seen the lower ones as well?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16You asked for that.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Are you a bit tempted to have a few drinks
0:16:18 > 0:16:19when you're presenting This Morning?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Cos most of the audience at home has, haven't they?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25LAUGHTER
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I've never started the show drunk.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I've never presented a show drunk but we've finished it drunk
0:16:31 > 0:16:35a few times because we've had wine-tasting things in the show
0:16:35 > 0:16:37and cocktails...
0:16:37 > 0:16:39But aren't you supposed to spit those out? Well, no!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43That's just a... That's just a waste.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Have you trained your bladder to match the ad breaks on This Morning?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Yes, you have. Cos you're quite the giggler, aren't you?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57You're quite the giggler on the show. Yeah.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Thankfully, I have very, very strong pelvic floor muscles.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Oh, really?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I was going to ask if a little bit of wee ever came out? Never.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Never? Not once? Not ever? I don't think so.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10That's good to know. It has done now.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13LAUGHTER
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I'm wet through here.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Oh!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Oh, if only you were here!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Now, why don't you present This Morning on Fridays?
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Can you just not be arsed?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32It was because Dancing On Ice, when we started doing Dancing On Ice,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35the rehearsal's on Saturday, did the show on the Sunday,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37and so I never saw the family.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41So it was because I got a day off for the family when they were younger.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44And then they grew up and I just kept the Fridays off.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Do you watch, like, on a Friday, or, like everyone else,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51do you just skip it cos it's just Eamonn and Ruth?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59They're lovely, but they're a bit sort of substitute teachers,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03aren't they? Just can't keep control.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Is Gino D'Acampo really Italian?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Because the accent doesn't feel real.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08He's from Sheffield.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10LAUGHTER
0:18:10 > 0:18:13SARAH LAUGHS
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Now, you host The Cube.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18How good are you at doing intricate tasks in a box?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20LAUGHTER
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I'm very good.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30That's good to hear.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34How often on Dancing On Ice do you think to yourself,
0:18:34 > 0:18:35"Oh, go on, drop her."
0:18:40 > 0:18:41It depends who it is.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Do you have a favourite moment from Dancing On Ice?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Oh, I think definitely Todd Carty.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Oh, that's my favourite one as well! Is it?
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Yeah, we've actually got a clip.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Brilliant. Let's play it for everyone else.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57# Help me if you can I'm feeling down
0:18:57 > 0:19:03# And I do appreciate You being round
0:19:03 > 0:19:07# Help me get my feet Back on the ground
0:19:07 > 0:19:11# Won't you please, please Help me
0:19:11 > 0:19:16# Help me Help me. #
0:19:16 > 0:19:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I never tire of seeing it.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I love the way he just styles it out when he comes back out
0:19:28 > 0:19:31and still does the ta-da at the end.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34But there were two guys who were just off set,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36he came out and fell over
0:19:36 > 0:19:39and they just picked him up, turned him round and pushed him back on.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER
0:19:41 > 0:19:46We had Pamela Anderson, who was on, and she was a lovely lady,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48but a dreadful skater.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51She provided me with one of my most extraordinary moments.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55She did a huge lift, she was lifted by her partner,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57finished the routine, turned around...
0:19:57 > 0:19:59This was in a rehearsal by the way,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01so sadly there's no footage of this.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03And she turned around and skated towards me.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05And they were out.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07LAUGHTER
0:20:12 > 0:20:15It looked like the airbag had gone off.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:23You always do family shows,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26do you have to get all the swearing out beforehand?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Oh, fuck, yes!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER
0:20:29 > 0:20:32APPLAUSE
0:20:37 > 0:20:39You've seen the show, you know what we do,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41this is excellent news.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Now, I always loved you when you were in the Broom Cupboard
0:20:43 > 0:20:46and doing kids' TV. Do you still talk to Gordon the Gopher
0:20:46 > 0:20:48or did it turn nasty?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52It actually ended really rather badly.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55We don't speak... Yeah, we don't speak to each other any more.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57He's in rehab.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00See, cos I haven't seen him on the telly for a long time.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02He must hate those bloody meercats, mustn't he?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Yeah.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Now, I've got one more Christmas wish. What's that?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11MAGICAL HARP MUSIC
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Yay! You're in the Broom Cupboard!
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Ta-da!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23It's been a long time.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Did you get my Christmas cards?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Yes, I did. Here we go.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32It's like being in the Broom Cupboard again.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Here we are, here's a lovely card. This one's from Sarah.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Yeah, they're all from me, love.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Oh, that's the special one, the one with the glitter.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43You see on the front, underneath the Merry Christmas?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45If you have a look at the front there...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47In the shape of a heart?
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Yeah, I did a potato print of my vajazzle for you.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I just sort of lowered meself onto it.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05It's a lovely shape.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12That's the compliment I mostly get!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20But there is still something missing. Hang on.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Perfect!
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Is that the way you want me? That's the way I want you.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34This is the best Christmas ever!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36APPLAUSE
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Thank you ever so much. Phillip Schofield!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49It's my pleasure.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50And Sarah? Oh, yes?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Ha-ha! I'm coming in!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Mwah! Thank you. Merry Christmas.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:08 > 0:23:10After all that excitement,
0:23:10 > 0:23:14I need to talk about something gentle like a Sunday night drama.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Why do we like soothing dramas on a Sunday night?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Because we want to be reminded of good times gone by,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22like Friday night.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Downton's a Sunday night favourite.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27In Downton times, a lot more people died of things they shouldn't have
0:23:27 > 0:23:31because they were too repressed to say what the problem was.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34They'd have to say, "I've got a problem with my finger."
0:23:34 > 0:23:35"Oh, let me take a look."
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"It's, um... It's up my bum."
0:23:38 > 0:23:40LAUGHTER
0:23:43 > 0:23:45"It's touching something knobbly."
0:23:45 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Then there was Mr Selfridge. He invented fitting rooms.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52What an arse.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55The lights are too bright.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Though they are good for plucking your tache, especially in Marksies.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01The curtain is never wide enough
0:24:01 > 0:24:04but it means you can show the girls walking past
0:24:04 > 0:24:06what a happy woman looks like.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I'm looking forward to the spin-off, Miss Selfridge,
0:24:09 > 0:24:13where skinny girls stare at you and ask, "Is it for a present?"
0:24:13 > 0:24:15LAUGHTER
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Now, we couldn't have a Christmas show without talking about
0:24:20 > 0:24:22one of the biggest shows of the year, Call The Midwife.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25CHEERING
0:24:25 > 0:24:27It's all about a group of midwives.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29There's a posh one, a tough one, a very young one
0:24:29 > 0:24:32and an older one who pretends to be young.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35It's basically the Spice Girls on gas and air.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I love it when the midwives say, "I'm going to need hot water and towels."
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I always think, "I'd be stressed and fancy a bath, too."
0:24:41 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Those women are all very cheerful
0:24:46 > 0:24:48considering they live on a bomb site,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51have too much sex and all the men are bastards.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54No, hang on, I'm thinking of Geordie Shore!
0:24:54 > 0:24:58And there are a lot of bikes in it. No, that's Geordie Shore!
0:24:58 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:01This is at the time when a man and woman
0:25:01 > 0:25:04had to have a chaperone when they went out on a date.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06A chaperone was there to hold your handbag
0:25:06 > 0:25:08while you went off to get fingered outside.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:20"I'm not putting it on the ground. It'll get dirty."
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Call The Midwife wasn't their first choice for title.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Others they thought of were Game Of Moans,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Nuns And Nunnies,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34and Sorry About Your Carpet.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36LAUGHTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:39How do they measure how dilated the woman is down there?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Is that why rulers need to be shatterproof?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I think I've got too smutty a mind to watch Call The Midwife.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52The other day, I nearly spat my tea out
0:25:52 > 0:25:57when one of the midwives complimented a mother on her lovely curtains.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:02You know what? Because it's Christmas,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I think I'm going to call the midwives right now.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Please welcome Judy Parfitt and Helen George,
0:26:07 > 0:26:11also known as Sister Monica Joan and Nurse Trixie Franklin from Call The Midwife.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Hello. Hello. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Merry Christmas.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Merry Christmas. It's lovely to have you here.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29What I would like to know is, before phones,
0:26:29 > 0:26:31how did they call the midwife?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Was it like the Bat-Signal but with a fanny in the sky?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38It'd be tricky, though. How would you recognise it?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41You'd be like, "Is it? Is it a flower? I don't know what it is."
0:26:41 > 0:26:46They used to have carrier pigeons. Carrier pigeons? Yes, yes. Really?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49And it would just say, "It's coming out!" Yes.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Put it in a pigeon and send it. They'd send the pigeon.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Right, OK. That's good to know.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Sister Monica is obsessed with cake, knitting and astrology, isn't she?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Yes. I totally get that
0:27:01 > 0:27:03apart from the knitting and the astrology.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08They're good things to be obsessed with, aren't they? I think so.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12What do you think is the best thing about living in the 1950s?
0:27:12 > 0:27:13What was the best thing?
0:27:13 > 0:27:18I like the fact that you can eat white bread and you don't feel bad.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20I eat white bread and I don't feel bad, love.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25You were allowed to have boobs, back then, weren't you?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Pointy boobs as well. Very pointy. I felt very left out.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32How do you get them into a point? Tissue paper. Really?
0:27:32 > 0:27:33You don't just roll them? Like...
0:27:35 > 0:27:38..until they eventually fill the end of your bra. Just keep on.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"Come here, you've got warm hands. Keep rolling."
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Just a bit of sellotape on the end of the nipple and just pull it.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46AUDIENCE GROANS
0:27:46 > 0:27:47No?
0:27:48 > 0:27:51It's just a suggestion, you don't all have to try it at home.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I'm not very good with babies.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56How long do you have to hold them
0:27:56 > 0:27:59before you can ask if somebody else wants a go?
0:27:59 > 0:28:00I'm not good with them.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03And they're heavy as well, so you're kind of ugh.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05They're lovely when they're quiet.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08When they're quiet and haven't shat themselves?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10And they haven't pooed.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13We have naked babies on set all the time doing the birth stuff
0:28:13 > 0:28:17and they just poo everywhere. It's like that yellow curry.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18Yellow poo.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22You've just put me off curry for life. I know!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25And people will say, "Oh, you've just got a little..." Ugh!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Curry poo on your face!
0:28:28 > 0:28:31You obviously all know how to hold babies.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34I've only ever held one baby and I'm not very good at it.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37I hold them, you know, like that.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41You know what I mean? Out like that, by their feet.
0:28:41 > 0:28:42LAUGHTER
0:28:44 > 0:28:46With the skills that you've learned on the show,
0:28:46 > 0:28:49could you deliver a baby right now? Oh, yes. You could?
0:28:49 > 0:28:53I mean, it's not me. This is entirely made of cake.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54Absolutely. No problem.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57But only with hot water.
0:28:57 > 0:28:58Yeah. And towels.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00No modern technology. A cup of tea.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04A cup of tea! And like a big stick to bite down on. Yes.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Judy, surely playing a 90-year-old nun,
0:29:07 > 0:29:09is that the easiest acting job ever?
0:29:09 > 0:29:12Absolutely. I just get up, no make-up,
0:29:12 > 0:29:14no hair and I'm away.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17Just put your outfit on and you're done, aren't you?
0:29:17 > 0:29:18There's only that bit, isn't there?
0:29:18 > 0:29:21And it's like a face-lift. I really want to be a nun
0:29:21 > 0:29:24cos it just pulls your face back, it's like a...
0:29:24 > 0:29:26It doesn't pull MY face back!
0:29:26 > 0:29:28LAUGHTER
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Maybe you haven't got it on tight enough! Exactly.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34I'll practice, yeah.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36When you auditioned for the part,
0:29:36 > 0:29:41did you have to display any midwifery skills at the audition?
0:29:41 > 0:29:44I didn't audition, darling.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:29:46 > 0:29:48You were just given the part? Of course!
0:29:48 > 0:29:51They just knew that you'd know what to do?
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Well, I apologise if I've offended you. Well, I should think so.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57I just assumed people had auditions. No?
0:29:57 > 0:30:01I auditioned. You auditioned! She's young.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Well, that's because, you know, they wanted to make sure
0:30:03 > 0:30:04that they definitely liked you
0:30:04 > 0:30:07and you'd obviously just muscled your way in.
0:30:10 > 0:30:11If filming isn't going to plan,
0:30:11 > 0:30:13do you all just gather round the gas and air
0:30:13 > 0:30:15and have a big puff?
0:30:16 > 0:30:20Oh, what a lovely idea, we must do that! We should do that!
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Have you ever had a go on it?
0:30:22 > 0:30:24No, it's not real! They don't plug it in.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Oh, it's not real! It's acting, isn't it? Shit!
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Helen, you practised the medical techniques on your husband, didn't you?
0:30:32 > 0:30:37I used my dog because I didn't have, you know, a prosthetic doll to practise with,
0:30:37 > 0:30:40so I'd come back and sort of... She's a Yorkshire terrier.
0:30:40 > 0:30:41She's kind of baby-sized,
0:30:41 > 0:30:44so it just seemed like the natural progression.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47So your husband was the pregnant lady?
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Yeah, on his back with his legs up with a blanket over.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56It conjures up the most extraordinary picture.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00So he had the blanket over, his legs up?
0:31:00 > 0:31:04He delivered a Yorkshire terrier! And he had a Yorkshire terrier?
0:31:04 > 0:31:07It was very successful, yes.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11Did you hand the Yorkshire terrier back to your husband to cradle?
0:31:11 > 0:31:15I wrapped her in a blanket and she looked like ET.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18That is adorable. And clearly a very good way of practising.
0:31:18 > 0:31:19Your husband didn't mind?
0:31:19 > 0:31:22He probably minds that I'm telling you.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Do you enjoy leaving the young ones to do the delivery of the babies?
0:31:25 > 0:31:27You get up to quite a bit of mischief.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30Do you enjoy that part of your character? Yes, I love it.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34What's your favourite bit of mischief you've got up to? Eating cakes.
0:31:34 > 0:31:38Everybody else is working, just in the corner snaffling away? Yes.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41I think I could do your part.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43But I mean obviously I'd have to audition!
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Helen, I didn't know this,
0:31:55 > 0:31:59you did backing vocals for Elton John for a while. I did, yes.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03Do you have a song when delivering a baby?
0:32:03 > 0:32:07You know, like, Circle Of Life or Tiny Dancer or something appropriate?
0:32:07 > 0:32:10Like I'm Still Standing Because My Fanny's Too Sore To Sit Down?
0:32:10 > 0:32:12PHONE RINGS
0:32:12 > 0:32:17Oh, excuse me. This is very odd that the phone has gone. Hello?
0:32:19 > 0:32:24Now? Really? I think this is for one of you two.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29Apparently someone's about to drop. Yeah. Shall we?
0:32:29 > 0:32:32We should probably hurry up. Absolutely. Do you want to help us?
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Oh, really? Yes, come. We'll show you how. I'll give it a bash.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38And then you can hold a baby. Oh...great.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:48 > 0:32:50SHE SCREAMS
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Ooh!
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Oh, sweetie, you're doing very well.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58Now just remember to breathe in and out. Where's Nurse Sarah?
0:32:58 > 0:33:00She should be here by now.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04I'm sure she'll be here soon. Oh, calm yourself.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Someone has called the midwife.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20I must get to Nonnatus House at once for the...baby thing.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22LAUGHTER
0:33:22 > 0:33:24I'm not an expert.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30LAUGHTER
0:33:30 > 0:33:31Oh.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Oh. Ah... Ow!
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Oh, you bugger. Oh, you bugger.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38No wonder Victoria Pendleton's so grumpy.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41LAUGHTER
0:33:43 > 0:33:45I'm coming, I'm coming!
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Shit! Cobblestones!
0:33:50 > 0:33:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:01 > 0:34:02Ooh!
0:34:05 > 0:34:06Cobblestones!
0:34:06 > 0:34:08LAUGHTER
0:34:08 > 0:34:10WOMAN SCREAMS
0:34:10 > 0:34:12Nearly there!
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Yes! Yes!
0:34:16 > 0:34:18Yes!
0:34:18 > 0:34:20I've arrived!
0:34:20 > 0:34:22LAUGHTER
0:34:22 > 0:34:25MUSIC: 'Call The Midwife' Theme Tune
0:34:31 > 0:34:35Right, I'm here. How may I assist? Sarah, where have you been?
0:34:35 > 0:34:37I don't know, but I'm going back, flower.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40LAUGHTER
0:34:40 > 0:34:44Well, you're here now. This is Mary. She's doing very well.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48Everything is as it should be and she's four fingers dilated.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Four fingers?
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Does anybody else really fancy a KitKat?
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Argh!
0:34:55 > 0:35:00That's one for you, love? OK. Anyone else? Bounty? Twix?
0:35:00 > 0:35:01Penguin?
0:35:04 > 0:35:07We need hot water. That's a good idea, cos I am parched.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10I'll have four sugars in mine, flower.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Perhaps you'd better just stay with the father.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18What's he doing here anyway? This is the 1950s.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22We couldn't afford another set, love. This isn't BBC One, you know.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25Hello, love. What's your name? Joseph.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29Mary and...
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Joseph?
0:35:30 > 0:35:35And if you have a little boy, what are you going to call him?
0:35:35 > 0:35:36Keith.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Let's get you out of here.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42Don't forget the cap, the way your wife did.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44LAUGHTER
0:35:44 > 0:35:45Argh!
0:35:45 > 0:35:50We're almost ready, love. One big, last push.
0:35:50 > 0:35:51Argh!
0:35:51 > 0:35:54It's looking angry down there.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58She's going to be off her cello lessons for a good while.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02That's it. There we go. That's it. There we are.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04There we are.
0:36:06 > 0:36:07It's a boy!
0:36:07 > 0:36:10BABY CRIES
0:36:10 > 0:36:14I have witnessed a moment in history that will change the world for ever.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17For today I have witnessed the birth
0:36:17 > 0:36:19of the baby Phillip Schofield!
0:36:19 > 0:36:21APPLAUSE
0:36:21 > 0:36:24MUSIC: 'This Morning' Theme Tune
0:36:30 > 0:36:32Thank you so much for coming on the show.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35Ladies and gentlemen, Helen George and Judy Parfitt!
0:36:35 > 0:36:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:45 > 0:36:47That's it for tonight.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51Unfortunately, we haven't had a chance to talk about all the repeats that are on at Christmas.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54We haven't had a chance to talk about all the repeats that are on at Christmas.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57LAUGHTER
0:36:58 > 0:37:00We haven't had a chance to talk about any Christmas spoilers,
0:37:00 > 0:37:02or children, as I call them.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07Or the Sherlock Christmas special,
0:37:07 > 0:37:10where he figures out some of the biggest Christmas mysteries
0:37:10 > 0:37:13like who gave you the secret gift at the office Christmas party
0:37:13 > 0:37:14and when will it clear up?
0:37:14 > 0:37:16LAUGHTER
0:37:16 > 0:37:18And the Christmas Grand Designs
0:37:18 > 0:37:21which is just going to be people eating sandwiches in a caravan
0:37:21 > 0:37:23cos their house isn't finished.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25The Queen's Speech.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28How come she gets a Christmas special but never makes a series?
0:37:28 > 0:37:32And we haven't had time to talk about the Embarrassing Bodies Christmas special,
0:37:32 > 0:37:35or as I'm calling it, Jingle Balls.
0:37:35 > 0:37:36LAUGHTER
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Good night and Merry Christmas!