0:00:01 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46We all watch telly in different ways these days.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I record everything and watch it much later.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Hello, viewers, how was your Easter?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I sometimes actually record the news.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Don't tell us, I'm only up to last Thursday!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01And people hop around on the channels, don't they?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04A friend of mine channel-hops during the ad break
0:01:04 > 0:01:08and one time she totally forgot what she'd originally been watching.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13Wandered around the channels for a bit and eventually stumbled back into what she'd been watching -
0:01:13 > 0:01:16a documentary about amnesia.
0:01:16 > 0:01:22When fast-forwarding in the advert breaks, some people should only be allowed to do times-6.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Honestly, times-30 is too much for you, pet!
0:01:27 > 0:01:31When you can hit the Doritos logo and not end up at the end credits...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35..I might allow you to try times-12.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Unless it's a football match.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I'm shit hot!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I can do times-30.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47"Sponsored by"!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:03I really like driving, but I'm not the biggest fan of car programmes.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08There's Top Gear, Fifth Gear... I can't be arsed with all of that.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I'm waiting for a show called Automatic.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Top Gear is seen in 170 different countries,
0:02:17 > 0:02:19although in 169 of those countries
0:02:19 > 0:02:24people are just watching to find out terrible things are being said about them.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I was watching a Top Gear special the other day -
0:02:32 > 0:02:35or Richard Hammond as he's more commonly known.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I hope the series goes on forever,
0:02:42 > 0:02:46so we can see what the presenters want from a car when they're 85.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51"There's no leg room, it's too noisy and there's nowhere to put my cup!"
0:02:53 > 0:02:58They have a feature called Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02The best thing is the leader board where the celebrities' times are ranked
0:03:02 > 0:03:04with allowance made for road conditions.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07You get things on the leader board like this...
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"Steve Coogan, dry.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14"Carol Vorderman, slightly damp".
0:03:17 > 0:03:19And "Davina McCall, very wet".
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Why still all the fuss about the Stig being secret?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30They unveiled him twice and they were just normal blokes.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34You might as well have an anonymous cleaner at the office.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38"Who took the bins out last night? Mystery Jean!"
0:03:42 > 0:03:44There's a Where's Stig? annual.
0:03:44 > 0:03:50And if you want to know "Where's Wally?", he's sitting between James May and Jeremy Clarkson.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57Not a lot of people know this, but Jeremy Clarkson doesn't have any points on his driving licence.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Nice to have it confirmed that Jeremy Clarkson is completely pointless.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I've never been asked to go on Top Gear and I'm really glad.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Do they make you parallel park on it?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"Can you get that car between those two cars?"
0:04:21 > 0:04:22"No, I can't, I can't!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25"I'll just drive round till one of those cars leaves."
0:04:29 > 0:04:33On TV car shows they never review cars like I would.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Does it smell nice?
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Does it have a little compartment for sanitary towels and a Twirl?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Does it have a nap lever?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43You know the nap lever? I love a nap lever.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46That's how I pick a car.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Comedians often sleep in their cars if they get tired when doing long drives.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51And I don't want a turny wheel!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I want a nap lever.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04That's fun!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Sat navs are great. Women don't have to struggle with maps
0:05:15 > 0:05:17and men have something else to ignore.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21"Thank you, but I think I know where I am!"
0:05:23 > 0:05:26You can get celebrity voices on your sat nav now.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I've got George Michael on mine.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32"You haven't reached your destination but hurl yourself out of the car anyway!"
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I think I should do one!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46In 200 yards you will have reached a Greggs.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I know you're going to Aberdeen, but you're bound to get peckish!
0:05:55 > 0:06:01In America in the '50s apparently 70% of girls lost their virginity in a car!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Just be more careful of the gear stick when you get in!
0:06:14 > 0:06:19Now, I do like driving, but I think I need a little more convincing about car programmes,
0:06:19 > 0:06:23so please welcome top TV motoring expert Quentin Willson.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Welcome to the show. Thanks for joining us.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Now, I like the colour, but where's the rest of it?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I think you should drive. Get yourself in, love.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Where are we going? Wouldn't you like to know?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50OK. Seatbelts.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Seatbelt on, safety first, flower. Always, always. Seatbelt on.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Do you mind if I put my boobs on the outside of it, though?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59I don't like it down the middle. Oh, I can't get it in.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Do you want...? No, I'm fine.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I'm in, I'm in! And I've got the boobs... Is that all right? That's better, isn't it?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08That's lovely. It's lovely. Smashing.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Now, thanks very much for joining us on this show.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Mind the gear stick and none of that...
0:07:13 > 0:07:16No, no, no. "I'm just reaching for the handbrake!"
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Does it feel like a thigh? I don't think so!
0:07:19 > 0:07:24You are a motoring aficionado, a journalist and an all-round expert.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29So they say. So what I'd like to know is, have you ever had sex in a car?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Yes.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35CHEERING
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Wow!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Were you in the front or the back?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42In the back. You were in the back?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Were they in the back as well or was it like this sort of set-up where they had to lean over...?
0:07:46 > 0:07:51Well, it was both the seats were back down so it was kind of like a handy double bed.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Oh! You'd planned it! Oh, yeah, meticulously!
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Meticulously, you dirty bugger!
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Do you ever fantasise about two ginormous airbags going off in your face?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Occasionally.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Don't we all, love, don't we all?
0:08:10 > 0:08:15You say the way to save money is to pretend you've got your nana in the back seat.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20Yes, to drive like you've got the old people in the back so you drive progressively.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24But that would frighten the shit out of me because my nana's been dead for ten years.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27I could see that!
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Did you decide on your hairstyle after driving an open-topped car?
0:08:37 > 0:08:42Yes. It's the wind-chill effect. Just go with it. Aerodynamics, absolutely.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Em, have you got a personalised numberplate
0:08:45 > 0:08:48or do you just think they're for dicks?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50They are a bit dickish
0:08:50 > 0:08:53because you can get some really, really bad ones.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58B16 NOB. "Big nob."
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Somebody's got that? Oh, yes. Somebody's paid hundreds of thousands of pounds for it.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Wow. That tells me that they probably haven't!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12OK. Now, I've got a compartment here. This is good!
0:09:12 > 0:09:13That's good.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15It's got...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17one of the night-time ones.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19That's good to know.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23It's good to know, because they're super, so they're not quite the full "I am",
0:09:23 > 0:09:25the full "I am" you need all sorts.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30So I've got those. The seats'll be fine. Yeah, the seats'll be fine.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34And in the same compartment I've got a multipack, so if you get peckish just give us a shout.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39This is what they should have on car programmes, isn't it? Exactly! Thank you! Not Lamborghinis!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42No, it should be where do I put my sanitary towels?
0:09:42 > 0:09:47Some people think that a car is sort of a penis extension, don't they, if it's a flashy car.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Lots of people think that. Why don't all rabbis drive convertibles?
0:09:53 > 0:09:57It's a very good question. You'd have to ask a rabbi.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I will, next time I see one.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04What do you drive? I've got quite a few cars.
0:10:04 > 0:10:10Some of them are old. But I drive the original penis extension car, the Jaguar E-Type.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Which has got a very, very long bonnet. Oh! Promises!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Excuse me, if you don't mind, while you're driving...
0:10:17 > 0:10:18I'm just going to get my 'tache!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I've got my tweezers. I've got another little compartment just for tweezers.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I'm just going to have a little go...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28oh, look at this.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Got it! Yeah! You can have that back now just in case it's important. Thank you so much.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Yeah, well done.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36What do you think is the worst car in the world ever?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I love it that you've just straightened your mirror even though we're technically not going anywhere!
0:10:39 > 0:10:43That's brilliant, isn't it? Now you've...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Now you've spoilt it for them!
0:10:46 > 0:10:51Cos they really thought that we were driving... And so did I!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Which is your favourite Magic Tree air freshener?
0:10:55 > 0:11:00Is it like lavender or black ice or...?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I've not had the black ice one. Oh, you should! I've always had the lavender ones.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Lavender! Your cars must all smell like old ladies!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10It's cos your nana's in the back, isn't it? That's why! That's it!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12You put the lavender in for her.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Whose voice do you have on your sat nav? Do you have a voice on your sat nav?
0:11:16 > 0:11:21No, I just have a normal disembodied female voice. Is that how you like your women?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32You've been brilliant, dear. Thank you every so much, but you are a terrible, terrible driver!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Ladies and gentlemen, Quentin Willson!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36SCREECH OF BRAKES Thanks very much, love!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44CHEERING
0:11:47 > 0:11:52You know what I've noticed? We all really love a good old gruesome murder, don't we?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55There've been loads of them on telly this year.
0:11:55 > 0:12:01What I want to know is, why's it OK to watch a murder on the telly with your family, but not a sex scene?
0:12:03 > 0:12:07If a nipple is licked, you instantly turn over.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14But if that nipple is being removed by pliers, "You stay there, Grandad!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"You enjoy this, Grandad!"
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Crime drama can teach you all sorts of things.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25CSI taught me how to find out who ate the last biscuit.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Me.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Did you see The Fall? Yes!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40It was a crime drama where we saw a serial killer at work
0:12:40 > 0:12:44and watched senior police officer Gillian Anderson follow his trail.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47It's quite nice knowing whodunnit.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Always good to feel a little bit smarter than Gillian Anderson.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Not so clever now, are you, Scully?!
0:12:55 > 0:13:00If she'd stayed in and watched telly on Monday nights, she'd have known straightaway.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06In one episode the killer strangles a woman and then spent time preparing her body afterwards.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09It was horrific. I was watching it with my friend.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13The killer bathed her, painted her nails, posed her on the bed and covered her bits.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15We were just watching silently.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Then he cut some of her hair off and sniffed it.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20At that point, my friend said, "Now, that's creepy!"
0:13:24 > 0:13:27You know sometimes when you're doing something you shouldn't,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29do you ever think, "God, I hope I don't die now"?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36I've made a list of ways you wouldn't want to be found dead.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38On a sex line.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42What if you hadn't hung up?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47You'd have your family saying, "We couldn't afford a funeral. His phone bill was huge."
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Watching internet porn.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54You think you're having a heart attack,
0:13:54 > 0:14:00but instead of ringing an ambulance you choose to spend your last moment minimising and bringing up solitaire!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05With your family saying, "We didn't know he liked solitaire that much!"
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Your dying words should never be, "Delete my browser history!"
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Lying in a bath full of trifle.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21With my family saying, "We didn't even think it was for Children in Need!"
0:14:23 > 0:14:28With an orange in your mouth, you know that thing that some people do...
0:14:28 > 0:14:29eating fruit.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I'd hate to die eating fruit.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38And my family saying, "We had no idea she was into this sort of thing!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41"It's like we didn't know her at all."
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I often eat chocolate in bed in hotels
0:14:45 > 0:14:50and sometimes when I finish the bar and slide down under the covers, I create real skiddies on the sheets.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55It was just my Twirl!
0:14:56 > 0:15:00So I leave the Twirl wrapper out so the cleaner can make the connection.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03She goes, "Oh! Ah!"
0:15:05 > 0:15:08And if I actually shit myself, I leave five Twirl packets out!
0:15:18 > 0:15:22In cop shows they often refer to hookers doing tricks.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Well, like what? Making balloon animals?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Or pulling rabbits out?
0:15:39 > 0:15:44My favourite crime show when I was a kid was Cagney & Lacey. Oh!
0:15:44 > 0:15:49Due to her determination and anger, Cagney was often referred to as a "hot dog."
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I'm not sure we have the equivalent phrase in the UK.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55"Hey, that DCI Tennison,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58"she's a right recently microwaved pasty, isn't she?"
0:16:00 > 0:16:04The Killing was massive, wasn't it? The thing about subtitles
0:16:04 > 0:16:07is that you can't eat your tea while you're watching it.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12Cos you look up again, "Oh, bugger, I've missed a bit!"
0:16:12 > 0:16:15But I have discovered one thing you can do while watching The Killing.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17You can dry your hair!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19SHE HUMS
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Still following everything.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I like when they start the cassette player to record the interviews.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I'd give too many details.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34"It's the 10th of December, 1430. The accused is sitting opposite me now.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37"He's got lovely eyes.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41"It's 19 degrees, though apparently it's going to be glorious on Sunday.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44"Here's a song for all you lovers out there."
0:16:46 > 0:16:50One of my favourite crime shows on telly is Law & Order: UK.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55Law & Order is based on the MIU team, or "miuw" as I like to call it.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I only watch it cos I thought it was about cats.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Star of the show, Bradley Walsh, is the first crime-show actor ever
0:17:05 > 0:17:09to simultaneously host a quiz show. I'd like to see more of that!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Maybe Jim Bowen in a British version of Colombo...
0:17:12 > 0:17:17"Just, er...just one more thing...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19"You've won a speedboat!"
0:17:20 > 0:17:25To assist in my crime-drama investigation, please welcome Bradley Walsh!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27CHEERING
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Hello, lovely Bradley. Welcome to the show. How are you, flower?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I'm very well, Sarah, thanks very much. How are you?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45I'm not too bad, thanks. Now, you are in Law & Order.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Which one are you?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50And who plays "Laura"?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Well...
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Now, Law & Order is an American show starring Ice T,
0:17:59 > 0:18:04and they also have NCIS Los Angeles starring LL Cool J.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05So, Bradley...
0:18:06 > 0:18:11..do you think when it came to making the UK version you were the first choice?
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Yes!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Or maybe they approached Dizzee Rascal?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29No. What happened was they... eventually they...
0:18:29 > 0:18:37In the American version...I've been asked to go in the American version and they asked me to change my name.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I was just going to be called TWAT.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Now, Law & Order, should there be
0:18:51 > 0:18:54a cheaper spin-off called Blame and Claim?
0:18:56 > 0:19:01Yeah, probably. I'd like to be part of that. That'd be great.
0:19:01 > 0:19:07Now, Law & Order is half legal investigation, half courtroom drama.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12Em, so, is the second bit basically form-filling?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Cos that's what a lot of courtroom stuff is, isn't it?
0:19:15 > 0:19:20You see, they get to sit in a studio all day in the warm in court.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23And normally we film it across the winter,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27so muggins here has to start filming at 5am
0:19:27 > 0:19:30in the snow and the rain and the sleet. Aww!
0:19:30 > 0:19:36Yeah, it's just like a Friday night out for you in Newcastle, you guys.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Shut up!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I don't go home.
0:19:48 > 0:19:54Em, in Law & Order, your character acts as if he's seen it all before.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Is that because he's seen the American version?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Yeah!
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Why do we have to have a UK version of Law & Order?
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Is it because the American high-speed chases don't work on our narrow roads?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23What we have to do, we haven't got the budget of a big one,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26a big show like that, so what we have to do,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28when the American ones speed off
0:20:28 > 0:20:31and they get the guns and they jump in the cars,
0:20:31 > 0:20:35it cuts to the English one and you see me just saunter along and get on a bus.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41You've starred in a few British versions of American shows,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Wheel Of Fortune, Law & Order...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47what's next? Like, Baywatch set in Morecambe?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Crispy buggers eating chips on a bus...
0:20:52 > 0:20:54..but in slow motion.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59You in an orange swimsuit. I can picture it now!
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Shouting, "Out of the water! The sewage outlet's backing up!"
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Did you prepare for the role by breaking shitloads of laws?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17No. I prepared for the role
0:21:17 > 0:21:19by...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23..the method.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Did you just read your lines and then remember them?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Yeah!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Who is your favourite screen cop?
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Oh, well, you alluded to him earlier on, Sarah. I loved Columbo.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51And also loved Kojak.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56That's good. I mean, I prefer Dirty Harry, Clint Eastwood obviously.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Cos he always had a Magnum in his pocket.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I'm the same, but with a Cornetto normally.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Do you ever take the handcuffs home?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17That's a yes, isn't it?
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Yes, it is.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24No, it's not!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27No, it's not, it's not! It's not.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29You've never taken them home?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32No. No.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34We go... No.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36No, I don't use handcuffs in the show.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41You don't use handcuffs in the show, so you had to buy your own from a sex shop?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49That's totally a yes!
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Law & Order: UK is just one of loads of international versions of the show.
0:22:54 > 0:23:00Do you ever meet up with the other ones at, like, international summits and swap tips and stuff?
0:23:00 > 0:23:04No. Actually, our show, the British version,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07now gets dubbed into about six or seven different languages.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12So my voice gets dubbed into French, Danish I believe, Swedish, Italian.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Wow. Etc etc. So you're probably quite sexy in other countries then!
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Do you ever get confused for an actual policeman?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I get confused in my own mind and often become a policeman and tell people off.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Really?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36And do they...? Yeah.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40In what situation? What have you told somebody off for doing?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Well, I've caught people in hotel rooms making skid marks with chocolate on their beds.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57You've been such a brilliant guest. Thank you very much for joining us.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Ladies and gentlemen, Bradley Walsh!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01CHEERING Thank you!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Thanks, Sarah!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Now, I'll tell you what I like on telly,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14and maybe it's because I'm around a lot during the day, but I love quiz shows,
0:24:14 > 0:24:16although I'm not very good at them.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20I used to hate Countdown because it made me feel thick!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I like it now.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I'm much better at it now.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Ever since you can pause the telly.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39I used to love Are You Smarter Than A 10-Year-Old?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Mainly because there's very little that makes me happier
0:24:41 > 0:24:45than a really smug clever child crying on the telly!
0:24:47 > 0:24:52Just because they don't know the difference between equilateral and isosceles triangles!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Ha!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59The only reason they get things right is because they learned them last week!
0:25:01 > 0:25:06I think there should be a version of the show where they have to do the things we have to do!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09It would be called Are You As Depressed As a 40-Year-Old?
0:25:19 > 0:25:24And the things they'd have to do would be change broadband providers...
0:25:26 > 0:25:30..try to explain to a mechanic what's wrong with your car...
0:25:30 > 0:25:34I once used the phrase, "It sounds like there's a budgie under the bonnet!"
0:25:37 > 0:25:40They'd have to bleed a radiator...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43..and lie to a doctor about how much they drink.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48But why stop there?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51What about for the older generation?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54How about Are You As Confused As An 80-Year-Old?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58With questions like
0:25:58 > 0:25:59what used to be here?
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Was it better in the old days?
0:26:05 > 0:26:10And is it a) warm enough or b) not warm enough?
0:26:14 > 0:26:19I tried Nick Grimshaw's panel show Sweat The Small Stuff and I liked it.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23But if young people get their own panel show, then older folks should too!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I've come up with a few titles for panel shows for older people.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Smock The Week.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Never Mind The Immigrants.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Eight Out Of Your Ten Cats.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Instead of Would I Lie To You, it would be Can I Lie Down For a Bit?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47QI would become Queue Here.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51And my favourite, Who Do You Think I Am?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Games you play at home are often turned into telly,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06like charades became Give Us A Clue.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09But there is one game that's not on the telly but should be...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11The Great Big Family Row.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16"What are they playing for? A share of Nana's house."
0:27:25 > 0:27:29I love Deal or No Deal. It's the only programme on TV
0:27:29 > 0:27:32with more red boxes than Embarrassing Bodies.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Do you think Noel Edmonds gets annoyed
0:27:44 > 0:27:48when he's constantly interrupted by phone-calls while he's at work?
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I've arranged with my bank to do everything by email,
0:27:51 > 0:27:52rather than on the phone
0:27:52 > 0:27:56as then I can reply to them when I get in from a gig at 3am.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59They rang me recently and said, "It says on your file
0:27:59 > 0:28:02"that you don't want to be contacted by phone. Is that still correct?"
0:28:05 > 0:28:07So I hung up and emailed, "Yes!"
0:28:15 > 0:28:18I especially love Pointless.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Alexander Armstrong always asks the contestants where they met.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27I'd love it of one of them said, "He's a dick but he knows about classical music and geography!"
0:28:29 > 0:28:33There's only ever one category the average person knows anything about.
0:28:33 > 0:28:38"Would you like Russian poetry, lunar geology, China's emperors
0:28:38 > 0:28:41"or X Factor winners?"
0:28:41 > 0:28:44"What do you think?!"
0:28:44 > 0:28:46I love Richard Osman on Pointless.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48He's like a teatime Stephen Fry
0:28:48 > 0:28:51and he looks like Mr Muscle went to university.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55What if I said he's with me in the studio tonight?
0:28:55 > 0:28:57That would be Pointless!
0:28:57 > 0:28:59POINTLESS THEME MUSIC
0:29:01 > 0:29:05Hello. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Very well.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09Thank you so much for coming on the show. It's lovely to have you here. It's a pleasure.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13So, Richard, I read somewhere that you'd filled Anne Robinson's old slot.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25I'll be honest, it took me and Xander both to do that.
0:29:28 > 0:29:33I love the undeniable sexual tension between you and Alexander Armstrong.
0:29:33 > 0:29:38Would you describe it as a bromance? Like, would you be the big spoon?
0:29:40 > 0:29:44People do say, "I like the unrequited sexual tension between you,"
0:29:44 > 0:29:46to which I always say, "It's not unrequited!"
0:29:51 > 0:29:56What was it like to be voted Heat Magazine's Weird Crush of 2011?
0:29:57 > 0:30:02That's all right, isn't it? You can't say Weird Crush without saying "crush." That's how I look at it.
0:30:02 > 0:30:06You can't say Weird Crush without saying "weird" either, so... Yeah.
0:30:06 > 0:30:10Millions of people love the show. Thank you. Who do you think they are?
0:30:13 > 0:30:18Well, no, but it's a certain time of day, isn't it? So it'll be old people, it'll be students,
0:30:18 > 0:30:22it'll be people who are bedbound and just can't find the remote...
0:30:22 > 0:30:25and people trapped in their sofas...
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Comedians... Hello!
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Yeah, I'm trying to think if you left anyone off, but I don't think you did.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36No, but 5.15, a lot of people finish work at 5.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Then you get home as quickly as you can so you can watch Pointless.
0:30:39 > 0:30:44That's why it's not on at 5, it's at 5.15, gives you a bit of time to get the bus. Right.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48That's where The Chase goes wrong, starting at 5. No-one's getting home at 5 unless you work from home.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51Well, you wouldn't say that if Bradley Walsh had been in the studio!
0:30:51 > 0:30:54But he's not here, is he? He's not. He's in...
0:30:54 > 0:30:59I know he's got an underground sex dungeon and I think that's where he was talking from!
0:30:59 > 0:31:01I think it was.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03It looked like it, didn't it? It did look a bit like that.
0:31:06 > 0:31:11Did it take you as long to make up the concept of Pointless as it did for all of us to understand it?
0:31:14 > 0:31:19Well... You know, honestly, people seem to be able to work it out.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21So maybe it's you?
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Oh!
0:31:24 > 0:31:27What is the stupidest answer anyone's ever given?
0:31:27 > 0:31:32We had one the other day... well, not the other day... we had words ending in ZZ.
0:31:32 > 0:31:37And on the first podium, the contestant was a student, which is all...
0:31:37 > 0:31:39and he just immediately went, "Jizz."
0:31:46 > 0:31:47That's brilliant.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53Was that...was it Pointless?
0:31:53 > 0:31:58It was Pointless. In the dictionary it doesn't mean what you might imagine it means.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02It means what an animal sort of looks like when you catch it out the corner of your eye.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05The jizz of an animal.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11The jizz of the animal in my head is something quite different.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15And all of theirs! But, like, no, you understand.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17A rabbit's jizz is very different to...
0:32:17 > 0:32:18LAUGHTER
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Come on.
0:32:20 > 0:32:24A rabbit's jizz is very different to a cat's jizz, for example.
0:32:24 > 0:32:29This is the longest conversation I've had about jizz ever, and I'm loving it!
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Sarah, everybody here knows that's not true!
0:32:39 > 0:32:44When you're sitting at your desk, what's on the screen in front of you?
0:32:44 > 0:32:45Is it porn?
0:32:47 > 0:32:52All I'm looking at, Sarah, is just animals from the corner of my eye!
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Do you think you would do well if you played Pointless?
0:33:03 > 0:33:07I... Well, I should do all right,
0:33:07 > 0:33:10but sometimes categories come up which would trip you up.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14Well, since I've got you here... OK. ..why don't we find out?
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Let's play my version of Pointless.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20POINTLESS THEME MUSIC
0:33:23 > 0:33:26There we go. Right...
0:33:26 > 0:33:29Our first category is biscuits.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Good.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33We asked 100 people
0:33:33 > 0:33:37- we didn't, it was just me -
0:33:37 > 0:33:41to name a biscuit beginning with B.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43So, Richard, what are you thinking?
0:33:43 > 0:33:47This is my dream category. Oh, really? This is a good category for you? Of course.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51Bourbons is a more traditional biscuit, a Boaster is a traditional biscuit.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54What are you going to go for, Richard? So this is you?
0:33:54 > 0:33:57I'm going to go for a Breakaway.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Ooh!
0:33:59 > 0:34:02You're going with Breakaway. Let's see if that's right.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06That's incorrect.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08I just don't like them.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15I think if you check Wikipedia, Breakaway is there.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Wikipedia doesn't say if I like it or not, though, Richard,
0:34:18 > 0:34:21and it's my show and my rules!
0:34:21 > 0:34:26Low scorers were Belvita Breakfast Biscuits. You didn't get that.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Oh! You can't have a breakfast biscuit.
0:34:28 > 0:34:33Well, they owe me money anyway because I've been eating biscuits for breakfast for years!
0:34:33 > 0:34:38There was only one pointless answer and that was BobNobs.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44Question 2. We asked 100 people
0:34:44 > 0:34:46to name things that are better if they're bigger.
0:34:50 > 0:34:51What do you think?
0:34:51 > 0:34:53I don't... Where do I start?
0:34:55 > 0:34:57That's quite a cocky answer!
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Yeah!
0:35:00 > 0:35:02It literally is. What do you think?
0:35:02 > 0:35:03I'd go...
0:35:10 > 0:35:14..for the sake of politeness, I will say a pizza.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18OK. Well, let's see if that's a correct answer.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22Oh, come on!
0:35:22 > 0:35:25Really? Sorry, Richard, with pizzas you just order two, love.
0:35:27 > 0:35:34Some of the things people said are better if they're bigger included cake, bed, tellies...
0:35:35 > 0:35:38..and something else...Dicks.
0:35:44 > 0:35:49Finally, we asked 100 people to name a good place to touch a lady.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Oh, dear!
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Is this a good question for you?
0:35:57 > 0:36:01Is this a category you were hoping would come up?
0:36:01 > 0:36:04It is a good category for me, except you've only asked yourself.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08So now I have to try...I have to try and get inside you, if you like.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Let's say because I can see it, let's say the nape of your neck.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Ooh!
0:36:23 > 0:36:27No, Richard, the vagina, because everywhere else is Pointless!
0:36:31 > 0:36:33Of course. Of course. Of course!
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Thank you so much for coming on the show, Richard.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42Ladies and gentlemen, it's Richard Osman. Thank you.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55That's it for tonight.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Unfortunately we didn't have time to talk about Eggheads
0:36:58 > 0:37:02where they've successfully reclaimed a playground insult.
0:37:02 > 0:37:06Other shows in the pipeline include Four-Eyes and Shit Trainers.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12We haven't had time to talk about Murder She Wrote.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Who came up with that title? Yoda?
0:37:19 > 0:37:21YODA VOICE: Murder She Wrote.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27And Holby Blue, the police version of Holby City.
0:37:27 > 0:37:32By the way, it's not a late-night version where the nurses' uniforms suddenly fall off...
0:37:33 > 0:37:36..and they have sex in the morgue.
0:37:36 > 0:37:37Good night.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd