0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Hello, and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41CHEERING
0:00:43 > 0:00:45You may be surprised to know
0:00:45 > 0:00:48I've got really broad tastes when it comes to TV.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Sometimes I'll be watching telly with my boyfriend and I'll say,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54"Do you fancy watching the adult channel?"
0:00:54 > 0:00:57And his eyes light up and he says,
0:00:57 > 0:00:58"Yes, I do!"
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Then I put BBC Four on.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07But the way we watch television, it's changing.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Don't you find every time you take something off series link,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12it's like a tiny death?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I always say sorry when I delete something.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17"I'm sorry - I have to let you go."
0:01:17 > 0:01:20"I thought you were going to get better."
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Because we all record things we think we SHOULD watch, don't we?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28That BBC Four documentary on the history of the egg whisk.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Or Alan Yentob's Weasels.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33But then Friends is on
0:01:33 > 0:01:35and it's one you haven't seen...
0:01:37 > 0:01:38..this week.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42The Sky box is very much like the fridge, I think.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45"I'll probably just have a bowl of rocket.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46"Ooh! Custard doughnuts!"
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Talking of technology, 3-D telly will never take off.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54It's just showing off, isn't it?
0:01:54 > 0:01:55It's a cock-waving thing.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Actually, it's really good for cock-waving.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11You know, I love to travel to places I've never been before,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13as long as it's via the Radio Times.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18I love watching Sun, Sex And Suspicious Parents.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22It's where a young lad or lass go on their first holiday with friends
0:02:22 > 0:02:26and their parents secretly follow them with a camera crew.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29It should be called Oh, Shit, Mam And Dad Are Over There.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42People sometimes think it's called Sun, Sea And Suspicious Parents
0:02:42 > 0:02:45rather than Sun, Sex And Suspicious Parents.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49What, with the kids just on a lovely beach holiday?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51And the parents watching, saying, "I don't understand it.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53"He never swims like that at home."
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Some of the parents are disappointed in their children's behaviour.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02"That's terrible. I'm going to have to teach you how to do blow jobs."
0:03:05 > 0:03:08If my mam and dad came on holiday to watch me,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10the voiceover would say...
0:03:10 > 0:03:14"She's finished one book and is choosing between two others.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19"She's looked at the mini-bar, but it's Fruit & Nut,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22"and she's never really liked Fruit & Nut.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"She's run downstairs for another toilet roll.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30"She's sucking the chocolate off the Fruit & Nut.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34"It's 4.30, so she's having a massive breakfast
0:03:34 > 0:03:36"and is shoving pastries in her bag."
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I went to Spain with my family when I was five,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51and I was heavily into counting at the time.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I wandered around the topless beach,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56came back and told my mam I'd counted 93 boobs.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01And that's the story she always uses to tell any new boyfriend.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I went to Paris recently,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07and me and my boyfriend decided to practise our French.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10We both have French GCSEs, so we were pretty confident.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12We went into a cafe.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Well, I say cafe, we went into McDonald's.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18(FRENCH ACCENT) McDonald's.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22And my fella placed the whole order in French. Wow.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Then it all went tits-up
0:04:23 > 0:04:26when he left the counter and said, "Danke schon!"
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I stay in hotels a lot when I'm on the road,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33and I always get confused by the towel thing.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35You know the towel thing?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38There's always a sign that says, "Help us protect the environment."
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I always just think, "Do I have to?"
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I was just going to have a nap and then watch Pointless.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Do you want me to sort out your recycling?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50I will, cos I can, but I still don't really know where to put the cat shit.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I just put it in with the meat, cos that's what it smells like.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06But the sign says, "If the towel is in the bath, change it.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"If it's on the rail, use it again.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"If it's on the floor, I'm a man."
0:05:20 > 0:05:24And if it's wrapped around your body, keep your mouth shut.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I don't like being disturbed in hotels,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29so I always put my Do Not Disturb sign up,
0:05:29 > 0:05:31but sometimes there isn't one,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34so I make one.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36It's roughly torn from a sheet of my notepad
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and I write on it, "Do not disturb."
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Then I draw some skulls and knives and a severed head.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Always works.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48They must walk past and think, "Clearly, she's already disturbed."
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I was watching the travel channel the other day.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I saw a programme called Extreme Water Parks,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and I thought, "Surely ALL water parks are extreme?"
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Otherwise, it's just a canal.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Or a bath.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06My friend is terrified of flying,
0:06:06 > 0:06:10so drinks a lot of red wine and takes Valium before the flight.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12To calm her down, I said,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15"You're more likely to be killed on the drive to the airport
0:06:15 > 0:06:17"than on the plane itself."
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Then I thought, "Well, yes, that's true,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22"because she's full of red wine and Valium.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24"And she's driving."
0:06:26 > 0:06:30I think people who are scared of flying must be at their best if the shit does hit the fan.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34They'd quite happily die being right, wouldn't they?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37The plane is plummeting, everyone's screaming,
0:06:37 > 0:06:38and they're going, "Thank you!"
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I tell you what the best travel shows on television are -
0:06:43 > 0:06:45anything by Michael Palin.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Did you see his latest one?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Michael Palin's Brazilian. I think that's what it's called.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53He's done so many travel programmes
0:06:53 > 0:06:56that now at Heathrow Airport, there are three queues -
0:06:56 > 0:06:57EU, non-EU
0:06:57 > 0:06:58and Michael Palin.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Michael Palin must be sick of travelling now, mustn't he?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Do you think his next series, he'll just say,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08"I've got me sandwiches. I'm just going to stay on the coach"?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Do you know what, maybe I'll just ask him myself
0:07:12 > 0:07:15because he's here. Please welcome actor, writer, comedian,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18TV presenter and national treasure, Michael Palin.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20CHEERING
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Hello. Hello.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34Now, you've been to... You've been round the world. You've been to Brazil, like we talked about.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37You've been to the North and South Pole, the Himalayas...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40What's the biggest Toblerone you've ever had?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Have you had one of the huge Toblerones?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49No, I haven't had one of the very big ones. Really? No.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50You should treat yourself.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53How big do they get?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54About that.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I mean...so I've heard.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Yeah. Is that when it's fully...?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02That's the...?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06You mean when it's not on the slack?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10An aroused Toblerone. That's an awful thought!
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Pretty awesome thought.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Now, you're one of the world's most intrepid travellers.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19What I would like to ask you most
0:08:19 > 0:08:21is... I know it's going to be rude.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25You don't know that.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Is it true you can't go to the toilet on a train when it's in the station?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Well, you can,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39but it just lies there on Platform 3 for a while.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42It's not very nice for the people about to get on the train.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43I'm not bothered.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48How would they know it was me?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51It's not like anybody's on the platform, going, "Eugh!"
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Or maybe they are. I don't know. You're a celebrity now.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57They probably... No, I won't get into this.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I'm not at that level, where somebody would put one of mine on eBay, though.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I think they'd do that with one of yours. Oh, gosh.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07That's why somebody's in your dressing room right now, probably.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Awful. Now, you're constantly travelling, going round the world.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Does your wife just want to get you out of the house, do you think?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19I've got a feeling, yes, that's true. She's always suggesting places.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21"Have you been to Papua New Guinea, dear?"
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Do you think she's just got a big list that she's just ticking off?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"14,000 miles away, that will give me a few days off."
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Do you think travelling men make better lovers
0:09:31 > 0:09:33because they're good at finding stuff?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Finding what?
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Oh, really?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Finding their way around?
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Poor Mrs Palin!
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Probably.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Probably. You'd have to ask her.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Oh, no, don't, actually!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Now, I'm asking a lot of questions here, aren't I?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Did you expect the Spanish Inquisition?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Now, when I go away I take... If I go away for a decent length of time,
0:10:11 > 0:10:12like a month or something,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15then I'll take my slippers and my favourite mug.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Have you got any creature comforts that you like to take away with you?
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Um...not really.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I mean...toilet rolls,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25because places I go to, you need them.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29And would that be like a multipack, or...?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34No, the best thing is a flat pack. You know? You can't...
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Have you got to just sit for hours before you go,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38just tearing it all off?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46"Pass us that other roll!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:53So that's your luxury, toilet roll. Well, luxury and necessity.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I don't have a luxury, really, no. Just, it's...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58You treat yourself with some bog roll.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01A spare pair of underpants, love! Spare pair of underpants.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Always have a spare pair. You never know when you'll get taken short.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Hold on, is that in addition to a pair a day,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09or do you just go away with one pair?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Like, a pair on and a pair in your bag,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16because then you can rub them through, can't you?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I've seen it in streams and that.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21That's the ideal. That's the ideal. The ideal!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24If you can get your bag down to about that size, that's the best way.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26My handbag is bigger than that.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29But I need everything in it. Shut up!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34How did you get into presenting travel programmes?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Did you just get sick of forcing the neighbours to look at your photographs and think,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42"I'm just going to have to make this into a telly programme"?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45No, I was hanging around, doing...
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I'd done A Fish Called Wanda,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52and there were really no other films around, and Python had ended up,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55and the BBC came to me, this guy sort of rang me up
0:11:55 > 0:12:00and said, "We've got a project for you that only you can do.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04"It's basically going around the world in 80 days. You'd be Phileas Fogg.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06"You have a camera following you all the way around
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"and you have got that absolute combination of physical prowess,
0:12:09 > 0:12:13"mental agility, wit, humour, you know, physical presence.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16"You're just the man for the job."
0:12:16 > 0:12:20And I'm susceptible to a bit of flattery, so I said, "OK, you're on."
0:12:20 > 0:12:22And it was only halfway around the world
0:12:22 > 0:12:26when the director got a bit pissed in a bar in Madras, I think it was,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I realised I was the fifth person they'd asked to do it.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33So much for my natural stardom, but there we are.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36You've been almost everywhere around the world.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Can you show me on this globe
0:12:39 > 0:12:41where you've had the shits?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Well, you can see, because it's not been cleaned off...
0:12:54 > 0:12:57And you thought that was the Sahara Desert!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Another thing about train toilets...
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Well, he's been everywhere.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09How do you get the doors to lock properly?
0:13:09 > 0:13:14You know the toilets, where they just, the door... "Vvvvv..."
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Oh, those, yes. And then it opens
0:13:16 > 0:13:19and there's a little woman, old lady having a wee.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Yes! She can't reach the button.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25She can't get up cos she's having a wee.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Have you ever been stuck in a toilet like that?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I have been stuck in one of those.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32It's a terrible, it's a panic, absolute total panic sensation,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35especially with the old lady there as well.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38You've just got to go out and get help.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47You've travelled the world, north to south, east to west.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Have you ever been to South Shields, where I'm from?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53I haven't been to South Shields, no. SHE GASPS
0:13:53 > 0:13:57But you know Eric Idle was born there? Does he have a plaque there
0:13:57 > 0:14:00along with yours, that says...? Along with mine!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03I've drawn on a wall, but I don't think that's the same thing.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06The council has to draw on it for you, put your name on it.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10He must have a plaque, mustn't he? "Sarah Millican leant on this wall."
0:14:10 > 0:14:13That's what they ought to put. Well, that would just be a dent.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You wouldn't need a plaque for that.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18What would I go and see in South Shields?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20What would be the three most important... Three?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22You want three things?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30What I'd like to know is, have you ever sat on the baggage carousel and just gone all the way round?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Yeah, actually...
0:14:34 > 0:14:35It's always tempting.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Actually, I have. No! Yeah.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40On A Fish Called Wanda.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44There's a bit where I'm on the... Playing Ken...
0:14:44 > 0:14:48and I'm making a getaway and I get onto the baggage carousel at Heathrow.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50And it goes along, and then I go down a chute...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I don't know quite why, but I did it.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55You're generally known - and I think you've proved it tonight -
0:14:55 > 0:14:57as a very nice man, aren't you?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59You are!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Well, I am. Have you ever been...
0:15:02 > 0:15:03a dick?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I heard a story about a journalist. Is this true?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20About your house. Is that true?
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Oh, well, yeah,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24that's often quoted as a time I lost my temper.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I wouldn't say I was a dick. I lost my temper.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Well, maybe I'll be the judge.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Oh, it was about...
0:15:34 > 0:15:38early 1980s. Two guys came round to interview me
0:15:38 > 0:15:41about my film The Missionary, or something like that.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45And...I don't know, they were just very
0:15:45 > 0:15:46sort of...
0:15:47 > 0:15:50..poncy, pretentious clever dicks, really.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52And I walked out of the interview.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54But it was my own house, unfortunately.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58This was the problem.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I left them in the room and I was going downstairs.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04"Oh, actually, hang on. I've done that the wrong way round."
0:16:04 > 0:16:07So I went out - bang! - slammed the door and went out into the street.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09They were in there...
0:16:09 > 0:16:11with my wife!
0:16:14 > 0:16:18And finally, are you still a lumberjack, and are you OK?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Yeah!
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26I go to the lavatory.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Am Mittwoch gehe ich shopping, kau Kekse zum kaffee.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35That's the German version of the Lumberjack Song. Wow!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37# Bin ein Holzfaller, fuhl mich stark
0:16:37 > 0:16:39# Schlaf des Nachts und hack am Tag. #
0:16:47 > 0:16:50And that's still in there, after all those years?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53That's one of the stupid things. We did a Python show in Germany.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56They took most of our sketches and said, "You have to speak German."
0:16:56 > 0:16:58So the only German I know is Python sketches.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01So you know, it's great, actually.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I went on a skiing holiday once with some Germans
0:17:04 > 0:17:08and we were sort of going up in one of these long train lifts.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10It took a long time, and they said,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13"You English people, why you never, you never speak German.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16"We Germans all speak English, you never speak German.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20"Do you know German?" I said, "Well, a little bit." Oh, no!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"What you know?" I said, "Ich bin ein Holzfaller.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"Fuhl mich stark. Ich schlaf des Nachts und hack am Tag.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28"Ich falle Baume, ess mein Brot.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31"Ich gehe auf das WC. Am Mittwoch gehe ich shopping,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33"kau Kekse zum kaffee. Bin ein Holzfaller."
0:17:33 > 0:17:35That shut them up.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44You have been such a wonderful guest. Thank you very much.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Palin.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:54 > 0:17:57He is the nicest man in Britain. I think it's true.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I grew up watching television and apparently, children still do.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06And lucky for them, there's a lot of children's television out there.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09It was nice to see all our favourite faces of kids' TV
0:18:09 > 0:18:13making a comeback this year in that programme. What's it called?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14The news.
0:18:23 > 0:18:29My friend bought me one of the Bagpuss mice when I got divorced.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32"We will fix it, we will mend it!"
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Apparently, Relate don't accept "fix it with glue"
0:18:35 > 0:18:37as a valid counselling method.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Bagpuss these days is something you usually see on Embarrassing Bodies.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I miss kids' TV.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Danger Mouse was known as DM, wasn't he?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Kids these days wonder why there's a direct message mouse.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02I had a look at the listings to see what kids are watching these days.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05There's Grandpa In Your Pocket.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I know they shrink as they get older,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09but that's ridiculous.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12In The Night Garden is a bit iffy, isn't it?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Here are some of the episode titles.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Ninky Nonk Wants A Kiss.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23My Ninky Nonk always wants a kiss.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Everybody All Aboard The Ninky Nonk.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40All aboard?! At least form a queue!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Iggle Piggle's Mucky Patch.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Washing The Haahoos.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Where Is The Pinky Ponk Going?
0:19:51 > 0:19:56It's always good to wash the Haahoo before the Ninky Nonk gets kissed.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Especially if everyone is all aboard it.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03And you don't know where the Pinky Ponk is going.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07How are kids supposed to follow that?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10That's like Game Of Thrones for toddlers.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I could be a Blue Peter presenter,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16if they want an old one to stay in the studio
0:20:16 > 0:20:19to look after all the pets while they're out bungee-jumping.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Someone has to stay in for the delivery of the sticky-backed plastic.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Keep checking the tortoises aren't dead.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I once made a swing for my doll off Blue Peter.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32And it was so shit and stressful
0:20:32 > 0:20:35that my mam and dad took me out and bought me one.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38So the next week, I made a dog.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47What I'd like to do now is find out more about the world of children's television
0:20:47 > 0:20:51and who better to tell me about it than the 33rd presenter of Blue Peter?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54She's the sort of girl who picked me last for netball.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Please welcome Helen Skelton!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58CHEERING
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Thank you so much for joining us by Skype
0:21:05 > 0:21:08from a Blue Peter assignment in Exeter.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I'd like to say I'm in a glamorous location,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13but I'm in a hotel we've blagged our way into
0:21:13 > 0:21:15so that I can talk to you.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17My life is a series of Premier Inns.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Oh, bless you!
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Now, how many times a day do you get asked for a Blue Peter badge?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26About 50.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Can I have a Blue Peter badge?
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Depends. If you make that swing for your doll again, we'll assess it.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Do you have to take the Blue Peter animals home?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41The dog's mine.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Oh, is it? Yeah, the dog
0:21:42 > 0:21:45that's on the show at the minute, Barney the dog,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48he's my dog, so he comes home with me.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I like that you called him Barney the dog.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Is that his surname?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I call him that because the other presenter's called Barney as well.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Oh, of course!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01But you would think you wouldn't get a person and a dog mixed up very often.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"Oh, have you done a shit on the floor again, Barney?!"
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"Which one do you mean?"
0:22:07 > 0:22:12Do you ever wish you could go to Tenerife for the Blue Peter summer expedition?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16You could learn about sunburn, hair of the dog and holiday thrush.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Funnily enough, I'm doing a show for BBC One called Holiday Hit Squad, so...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Fingers crossed for that thrush, love!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Now, you've done a lot of work with the Guides, haven't you?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Yes. I was in the Brownies for a week.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37The only bit I liked was the tuck shop at the end.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41But at least I got my diabetes badge, which is good.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Did they give you any badges when you worked with the Guides?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Um...no, because, do you know what,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I have worked with the Guides since I joined Blue Peter
0:22:50 > 0:22:52and I do their concert, which is brilliant,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55but when I was actually a Guide, I got thrown out,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57because we were playing hide and seek one week
0:22:57 > 0:22:59and my hiding place was so good,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01they had to get the police out to look for me.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:07I took it a bit too seriously.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I don't think they should have thrown you out of the Guides.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12They should have made you Brown Owl.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16I hid in a skip, and apparently that's not a safe place to hide,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18but they didn't find me!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Now, you travelled 2,000 miles down the Amazon River
0:23:23 > 0:23:24for Sport Relief.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I heard you were kayaking it.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28I was!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I'd have been nervous too - don't feel bad.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I'm going to do my own Amazon challenge.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41I'm going to try and get them to deliver in time for Christmas.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49Now, what do you turn down, if this is the sort of thing you say yes to?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I hate singing and dancing.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I'm terrible at singing and dancing.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56The trouble with Blue Peter is
0:23:56 > 0:23:59they make you do the things you don't like doing.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02So you've kind of got to pretend you're really into it.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I stupidly said that I'm scared of rats,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06so they buried me in a coffin of rats at work.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Oh, my God!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I was freaking out - it was awful!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14So did nobody tip you off? Because now you've tipped me off,
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I'd probably say, "Oh, I hate being sat in a trifle."
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Now, you're quite small, aren't you? How tall are you?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Five-three.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28You're quite small. Are you over-compensating, do you think?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31I think it's a fine line between brave and stupid with me.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34If I'm honest, when I said, "Let's go to the Amazon,"
0:24:34 > 0:24:37my boss said, "Do a bit of it." I went, "Let's do it all!"
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Then I had to go and look at the map.
0:24:38 > 0:24:45I didn't realise how big it was. It goes across the whole continent!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Now, when asked what challenge you'd like to do next,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49you said you'd like to do Iron Man.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55Now, hands off, love, because I've bagsied Robert Downey Jr for myself.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06You did a Royal Marine endurance course, didn't you?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09That's why I'm in Exeter now.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12How many Royal Marines did you endure?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I'm the only girl on the whole site.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24You're going to be knackered.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Thank you for being such a great guest.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43If you weren't so nice, I'd bloody hate you. Ladies and gentlemen, Helen Skelton!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Another thing I love on telly are antiques shows.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I'm very into antiques.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I've got biscuits in my house that are up to three hours old.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Well, two hours.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I was out for a while and it's a big packet.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Flog It! is where people find stuff in their home
0:26:09 > 0:26:11to sell for as much as possible.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Much the same as heroin addicts.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Bargain Hunt used to be presented by David Dickinson.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22I don't know what age he is.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Bronze, I think.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I don't understand the Antiques Roadshow.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33If I wanted to watch greedy people in a queue,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I'd just stay in Greggs.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44Going on the Antiques Roadshow is a bit like going to an STD clinic, isn't it?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46They ask you, "Where did you pick this up?"
0:26:49 > 0:26:50"How long have you had it?"
0:26:50 > 0:26:52"Do you mind if I look at the bottom?"
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I like it when the punters bring something in and say,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02"We've had this in a box for 120 years
0:27:02 > 0:27:04"and we can't work out what it does."
0:27:04 > 0:27:06It's a tortoise.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Antiques Roadshow must be like sticker collecting for the Queen.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25She must sit in front of it, going, "Got. Got. Need. Got.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26"Swapsies."
0:27:29 > 0:27:31At my old place, I had a root around in the loft
0:27:31 > 0:27:34and found loads of staff. I sold the lot,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36but the people in the flat upstairs were livid.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Do you think in years to come, someone will bring on a Rampant Rabbit?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"Yes, it's been in the family."
0:27:51 > 0:27:53"I think it was me grandma's."
0:27:54 > 0:27:57"Yes, we still use it. Just on special occasions."
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I'm not sure you can trust what the experts are saying.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05If they say, "It must have great sentimental value,"
0:28:05 > 0:28:07it's worth nothing.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11If they say, "You'd never want to sell it, would you?"
0:28:11 > 0:28:12it's worth nothing.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15But when they say,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17"It's priceless to you,"
0:28:17 > 0:28:19it's worth nothing.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Here are some things I'd like them to say on the Antiques Roadshow.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28"We found this in the attic. We don't know what it is."
0:28:28 > 0:28:29"It's your boiler. Put it back."
0:28:36 > 0:28:41"Sorry this isn't worth anything. Do you have anything else that's been in your family for generations?"
0:28:41 > 0:28:43"Eczema."
0:28:45 > 0:28:49"Today I brought along something that's been on the shelf for 30 years."
0:28:49 > 0:28:51"It's me Auntie Kathleen."
0:28:52 > 0:28:56"Today I brought along something that's been in the closet for 30 years."
0:28:56 > 0:28:58"It's me Auntie Kathleen."
0:28:59 > 0:29:01She's still got the original box.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14I want to find out more about antiques,
0:29:14 > 0:29:17so I thought I should speak to one of the best in the business.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Please welcome the host of BBC1's Bargain Hunt.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21It's Tim Wonnacott.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23CHEERING
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Hello! Hello!
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Now, Bargain Hunt is on its 32nd series.
0:29:33 > 0:29:39Yes. I will make this year my 1,000th edition of Bargain Hunt.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43Wow! And are the early ones quite valuable now? Yeah!
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Only if they're mint and boxed.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Let's have a little look at you in action.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52What do you think about this little treasure?
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Little is the word, isn't it?
0:29:55 > 0:29:57It's a kind of little novelty, is this thing.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00I love it because the silver
0:30:00 > 0:30:04has been embossed with this diagonal raised stripe,
0:30:04 > 0:30:06which means it's easy to grip,
0:30:06 > 0:30:08and of course it does beg the question...
0:30:08 > 0:30:11what exactly is this brush used for?
0:30:11 > 0:30:13My best guess is
0:30:13 > 0:30:15that it's a muff brush.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19Every well-dressed woman at the end of the 19th century
0:30:19 > 0:30:23would have had a muff to keep her hands warm in during winter,
0:30:23 > 0:30:25and she'd have used a muff brush
0:30:25 > 0:30:29to give her little muff a little dusting over.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41You're SO good at keeping a straight face.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44You must have known the dual meaning of the word.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Oh, yes. Yes.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48Now, you're in quite good condition, aren't you?
0:30:48 > 0:30:50I beg your pardon?
0:30:50 > 0:30:52You're in quite good condition,
0:30:52 > 0:30:55and I think if we cleaned you up a bit and scraped you down,
0:30:55 > 0:30:58then you would be quite collectable.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02Well, there's a degree of restoration that could be done, that's true.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Oh, really?! Yes.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06I like that!
0:31:06 > 0:31:09Do you still have your original drawers?
0:31:12 > 0:31:15They're all impeccably lined, I can promise you.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18He's good! Isn't he good?
0:31:19 > 0:31:21How often do you polish your tallboy?
0:31:32 > 0:31:35Did you say, "How often do I polish my toe ball?"
0:31:37 > 0:31:38Tallboy.
0:31:40 > 0:31:41My tallboy?!
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Yes. Sorry, is it an accent thing?
0:31:43 > 0:31:45Should I do it in you?
0:31:45 > 0:31:48POSH ACCENT: How often do you polish your tallboy?
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Is that better? That's better, isn't it?
0:31:55 > 0:31:59I thought you might have said, "How often does one polish one's tallboy?"
0:31:59 > 0:32:00AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:32:00 > 0:32:02It's like a posh off!
0:32:04 > 0:32:06I can't win. I can't win. Not often.
0:32:06 > 0:32:10I have a large, but beautifully proportioned, chest.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Would you like to appraise it?
0:32:16 > 0:32:18That's my usual chat-up line.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Yes.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22Appraisal is everything, isn't it?
0:32:22 > 0:32:24It's a question of colour, form...
0:32:24 > 0:32:28Colour? It's sort of purpley, mottley blue.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31Sometimes bit of blue come in.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Does this depend on the temperature, or what? Pretty much.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36It does change with the temperature. Does it? Yes.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38If they're warm, if IT's warm...
0:32:38 > 0:32:41LAUGHTER
0:32:41 > 0:32:42SARAH GIGGLES
0:32:45 > 0:32:49What would you recommend I start collecting as, like, a future antique?
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Is there something you can recommend?
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Cos I've got a signed George Forman grill.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00I'm just saying, I'm not bragging, I'm just saying.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Have you ever used it?
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Erm, have I ever used it?!
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Yes!
0:33:07 > 0:33:09OK, well that's a shame, really.
0:33:09 > 0:33:10Oh, really? Hmm.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12It needs to be clean, untouched and in a box.
0:33:12 > 0:33:13Probably, yes.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17OK. What I really want to know is, are Happy Meal toys actually worth anything?
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Or is that just rubbish,
0:33:19 > 0:33:22like the thing with the Beanie Babies?
0:33:23 > 0:33:25Happy Male toys?
0:33:25 > 0:33:26Happy Meal, not Happy Male.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28What's a Happy Meal toy?
0:33:28 > 0:33:30I know what a happy male is.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35I have to say I'm not a Happy Meal toy expert valuer.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38I'd have to go to a person who knew more about it.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40Some large person.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Understood! Probably.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47What's your house like? I imagine it's like me on Boxing Day -
0:33:47 > 0:33:49just full of crap you can't shift.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55Um, I regard it as a lot of treasures, actually.
0:33:55 > 0:34:00But, yeah, I'm afraid it's a fair old crush. Really?
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Mm-hm. Thank you so much, Tim.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04You've been really great.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07But I couldn't let you go
0:34:07 > 0:34:11without asking you to give me a valuation on a few bits of mine. Is that all right?
0:34:11 > 0:34:15You've brought your bits with you? I've brought me bits with us. Do you mind?
0:34:15 > 0:34:17This is an invitation I can't refuse.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Ladies and gentlemen - Tim Wonnacott.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Beep-beep! Beep-beep!
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Excuse me! Thank you.
0:34:39 > 0:34:40Thank you.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Thanks for doing this, Tim. I'm not an expert like you,
0:34:43 > 0:34:46but I think I have got a good eye. You don't mind this, do you? No.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48It's meat and drink.
0:34:48 > 0:34:49Let's start with this one.
0:34:49 > 0:34:53To be honest, this has been hanging on my downstairs loo wall.
0:34:53 > 0:34:54What do you think?
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Well...
0:34:58 > 0:35:01I like the way his nipples follow you around the room.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05I don't fancy it's going to be a huge seller, frankly.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Really? No. What's next?
0:35:07 > 0:35:09OK. Harsh.
0:35:09 > 0:35:10Um...
0:35:10 > 0:35:11I've got some furniture.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Scandinavian in origin, I think.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18Now, these Danish designs are very, very popular.
0:35:18 > 0:35:23OK. Well, it's still in the original box, as you can see.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26It's never been assembled. Mint condition.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28What do you think?
0:35:28 > 0:35:31I don't think it's quite my cup of tea, thanks very much.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33OK. Thank you.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Well, I've still got a few bits.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Get your swag bag. Get me bag out.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39I've got a dead parrot here.
0:35:42 > 0:35:43It's a Norwegian Blue.
0:35:45 > 0:35:46Lovely plumage.
0:35:46 > 0:35:47Excuse me!
0:35:53 > 0:35:54Oi!
0:35:59 > 0:36:00Now what?!
0:36:01 > 0:36:05I've got... This is Cliff Richard's Wired For Sound.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08It's a classic from 1981.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10It's my favourite record of all time.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12Cliff!
0:36:12 > 0:36:13Yes.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16And that would be just priceless for you, wouldn't it?
0:36:24 > 0:36:26I have got one more thing.
0:36:27 > 0:36:28Uh-oh.
0:36:30 > 0:36:31Um...
0:36:48 > 0:36:50This is MY muff brush.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56I can do a little demonstration,
0:36:56 > 0:36:59because you were a bit puzzled before.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Like a downward motion...
0:37:02 > 0:37:05But all the way out, to get all the mats out.
0:37:05 > 0:37:06Like that.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08What do you think?
0:37:08 > 0:37:09Your muff brush
0:37:09 > 0:37:11is a good deal bigger than mine.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Do you think it might be worth something?
0:37:15 > 0:37:17It is now!
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Just hold it by the handle, cos it's still a bit...
0:37:22 > 0:37:23Yes, exactly.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36Thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Wonnacott.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:50 > 0:37:52I was not expecting that!
0:37:52 > 0:37:53That's it for tonight.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about
0:37:56 > 0:37:58the Antiques Road Trip.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Or as it's also known, the Rolling Stones on tour.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04The Muppets - felt animals.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05Oh, no, not animals as well!
0:38:11 > 0:38:13And Undiscovered Mummies.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15Or as it's more commonly known, Jeremy Kyle. Good night.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd