0:00:03 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:50The way we watch television is changing.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52It's all box sets these days.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56People who watch loads of box sets are like pushers.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57"Just try this one.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01"If you like it, come back and have another one."
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Then you're hooked, aren't you?
0:01:03 > 0:01:08If you keep watching episodes while your partner's out, it's like having an affair.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10"It didn't mean anything.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13"It wasn't a very good episode."
0:01:13 > 0:01:19I like watching Heir Hunters. That's H-E-I-R not Air Hunters.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20SNIFFS
0:01:20 > 0:01:24"Found some. I found some!"
0:01:24 > 0:01:29After someone's died, they try to find living relatives to give their belongings to. It's very sad.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33And quite depressing if you're watching it on your own.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36That's why I've got a cat.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38That way, I'm never alone.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42And if I died there'd be nobody to find, anyway.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Nom-nom. Meow.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I'm not big on futuristic stuff,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52but I would love to see a drama set slightly in the future.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"Oh, they did build that car park."
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Razors have six blades.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Amanda Holden is still 39.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04There's a sale still on at DFS.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And we're all a little bit fatter.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Cash In The Attic deserved some spin-offs!
0:02:12 > 0:02:16"Tom Selleck is the new lodger." 'Tache In The Attic!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19"Do you want to see our new toilet?" Slash In The Attic.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"I've been having rough sex with the new lodger."
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Rash In The Attic. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Television isn't just about entertainment. It can really help us, too.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Take medical programmes. I've learnt loads from them.
0:02:41 > 0:02:47For example, there's medical evidence that wearing bras doesn't stop you getting saggy boobs.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52They can make it worse because they get complacent.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Like a lazy eye.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02You have to put a sticky plaster over one boob to make the other one work harder!
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I love medical telly, but every time I hear someone say, "Ears, nose and throat,"
0:03:09 > 0:03:14I always want to say, "Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes."
0:03:14 > 0:03:20On TV, when experts ask men to test their testicles, they always liken them to fruit, don't they?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22"The should feel like small plums."
0:03:22 > 0:03:27I think that's fine as long as it's fruit we all recognise.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31What if a really posh doctor said, "They should be between a dragon fruit and a sharon fruit."
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I've got nothing.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I had a lady appointment and I said to the doctor, "Everything off?"
0:03:39 > 0:03:42She said, "No. You can keep your top on."
0:03:42 > 0:03:46I told that to a male friend and he thought I meant like at the hairdresser. "Everything off!"
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"Just give us the mirror."
0:03:53 > 0:03:57"No, that's lovely. That's lovely.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"I like it. I really like it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04"It's lovely. Me boyfriend will be really pleased.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"It's taken years off."
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"About 30."
0:04:13 > 0:04:18They say that it's easiest to tell your kids about sex while in the car as you're driving.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21You don't have to look at them and vice versa.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24What about the people who don't have cars?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Do they have to do it on the bus?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31My friend was taught that you stick the penis in the vagina,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34but not that you had to move it around a bit.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38So he thought it was just like putting bread in a toaster.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43When it was done, it just popped out.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Sometimes it was brown.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:04:57 > 0:05:01My favourite medical show, I know it's yours too, is Embarrassing Bodies.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06It's a helpful show because a lot of people are nervous about going to the doctor's.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08A male friend of mine won't go to the doctor's
0:05:08 > 0:05:12in case he's asked how much he masturbates.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18"And how often do you masturbate?"
0:05:19 > 0:05:22NERVOUSLY "Um...how often is normal?"
0:05:27 > 0:05:30"How often do you think is normal?"
0:05:31 > 0:05:34"21 units a week?"
0:05:39 > 0:05:41"That's drinking."
0:05:42 > 0:05:44"Five times a day?"
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"That's fruit."
0:05:51 > 0:05:56It's not like that for women. We can have it as often as we like. Like broccoli - no points!
0:06:01 > 0:06:05If a man comes in with a hamster stuck up his arse,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08who does he go to - a doctor or a vet?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I suppose it depends who's in the most distress.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17"I think he's quite stressed cos he's scratching a lot."
0:06:19 > 0:06:22How would you even get one in in the first place?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Best not lure them in with sunflower seeds.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28If its cheeks get bigger, you'll never get the little bugger out!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I love Embarrassing Bodies - Live From The Clinic,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44where people Skype in with their ailments.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47It's like Chat Roulette with cocks!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49So it's like Chat Roulette.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I love where one of the doctors is talking to a patient via Skype
0:06:54 > 0:06:58and says, "OK, Brian. Can we take a look?"
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Then the bloke stands up, turns round and bends over.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"OK, Brian. Thanks.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07"Brian.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08"Brian?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12"Brian, we've seen it, love.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14"Sit down again, Brian.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16"Brian.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18"No, don't part them."
0:07:25 > 0:07:29One episode, a really pretty young girl came up on the screen
0:07:29 > 0:07:32with the biggest knockers you've ever seen.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35The size where even men would say, "Ooh, they must hurt."
0:07:36 > 0:07:41And Dr Christian said, "So what is it we can help you with today?"
0:07:41 > 0:07:46It's obviously her tits! But you can't be too careful, can you?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50They could say, "So, Rachel, those norks are massive, aren't they?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:53"I-I was going to ask about the warts I've got on me hands."
0:07:57 > 0:08:01What happens if you want to be on but you haven't got a laptop?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Are people going to the library to do this?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08In the background, there's a woman putting books away.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18There was an episode where a lady's arse prolapsed into her vagina.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21# Tonight is the night
0:08:21 > 0:08:24# When two become one... #
0:08:33 > 0:08:38I think the best thing about Embarrassing Bodies is my favourite medic, Dr Christian.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I've been reading his book about growing up and I've learnt a lot.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Apparently, you can get pregnant if you do star jumps after sex.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50But it'll probably stop you from getting sex again.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53What could be better than reading Dr Christian's book?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56A personal consultation with the man himself.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Please welcome Dr Christian Jessen.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Hello. How are you? Welcome to the show. Thanks for coming on.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Feels just like I'm at work again. Do you need anything?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Well...
0:09:17 > 0:09:22I don't know if now's the right time. It's probably not.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25How often do you masturbate?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Um...
0:09:39 > 0:09:42About 21 units?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44LAUGHING: Good answer!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47We're given quite a lot of health advice.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51It's hard to know which is true and which is rubbish, so I was going to run a few by you.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55See if you could tell us which are true and which are myths. OK.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Does eating crusts make your hair curly?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02My mum said so, but no, not true.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06So all of our mams are liars? All of them. Yes.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Is it true that you feed a cold and feed a fever? No, that's nonsense.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Doesn't make any difference. Just eat healthily is the message.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Really? Yeah. Cos I just eat loads, whatever.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25So eat healthily? Eat healthily. Can I eat loads of healthy things?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28You know, like biscuits with raisins in?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32It's one of your five a day. It's fine by me. Yeah.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Shut up! It is.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Garibaldis are one of your five a day? A handful of raisins is one.
0:10:38 > 0:10:44So enough Garibaldis... A pack of Garibaldis is one of your five a day?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I'm sure I'll now get a complaint letter, but...
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Not from me you won't!
0:10:49 > 0:10:54You know the rule about eating food off the floor, the two-day rule?
0:10:56 > 0:11:01If you drop it and two days later you still fancy it, you can eat it?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Right. Is that true? Is that one that your mum told you?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08No, I ma...made it up. Did you make that one up?
0:11:09 > 0:11:13I've heard that it's two days on the floor, but three seconds...
0:11:13 > 0:11:16The three second rule, that's if it's on a condom.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20That's what I heard, shut your faces.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Not from me, she didn't.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26You keep your reputation in check. Yeah.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Is it true you can't get pregnant off a toilet seat?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31It depends who you're with.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35What if the toilet seat was made of an erect penis?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43APPLAUSE
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I just said, it depends who you're with.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53So it's possible, like? If it was an erect...
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I can't say that word in front of you.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00What do YOU call it? Yeah, that, but it feels wrong now here with you.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Why? Cos you're dressed all nice.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08I'm dressed all nice, but it all comes up and there's bits underneath.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Oh, that's fine.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13APPLAUSE
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Erect penis, then. Erect penis. Say it loud and proud. Erect penis!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Yay!
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I love that they cheered you.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Thank you for the mix. It's a pleasure. Tell me, have you ever...?
0:12:25 > 0:12:29SQUEAKING What on earth was that?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31What was that noise?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35That's not someone's laugh. Is that someone's laugh?
0:12:35 > 0:12:39It sounded like somebody had brought Sooty and Sweep in.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Is that really your laugh? Do you need a doctor, my love?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47I think I'd better go and help. Yeah, I think she might have...
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Are you all right? Have you swallowed a dog squeezy toy?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I think she laid an egg, actually.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Now...have you ever been flashed at?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I'd be interested to see if you just looked at it and instead of being shocked,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05just went, "Oh, you need to get that seen to."
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Have you ever been flashed at? My mother's been flashed at,
0:13:09 > 0:13:14I haven't. My mother had the proper dirty mac kind of, you know...
0:13:14 > 0:13:18the leery noise that apparently they do on Benny Hill Show.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19She's had that.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23She was walking home with two Tesco bags in her hands like this.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26So she couldn't even have a little stroke or anything.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30I don't know if that's what normally happens. Oh, is it not?
0:13:30 > 0:13:34"Me hands were full, I couldn't even feel it or nowt!"
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Well, that's good to know. But I haven't, no. You haven't, OK.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Have you ever had any celebrity patients?
0:13:40 > 0:13:45I have, but I couldn't possibly tell you who - as you well know. Oh, OK.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48What if you just whispered it into me mic?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54I can tell you this. I filmed a little sketch with David Walliams.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58I don't know if you saw, it was the last Comic Relief.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01And he comes to see me in clinic with a little problem.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04And it's me going like this and the camera pulls away
0:14:04 > 0:14:08and it's David from the back, stark bollock naked.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10And he really was when we filmed it.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14And you have to do a number of takes for things. Of course.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Did you keep coughing through your lines? "Oh, have to do it again."
0:14:17 > 0:14:22I was literally on my knees in front of David, pretend examining.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Wouldn't that be awful if you'd been filming that for Comic Relief
0:14:26 > 0:14:28and actually there's really something wrong with it?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32"Stop filming!"
0:14:32 > 0:14:34That would be funny. Next time.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I hope I'm not in that sketch.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39My legs in stirrups. Ooh!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Your book says you're TV's favourite doctor. Does it?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Isn't that a bit cocky when Dr Who is still on?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I must have written that bit. Yes, possibly.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55How were you told about sex?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Did you find out from your parents, or how were you told?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02I was given a book that I refused to read
0:15:02 > 0:15:05cos I thought it was rude and embarrassing.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Then I went away to school and my school friends told me about sex.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Therefore, I still have no idea what goes on whatsoever!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I was told by me mam and I was nervous,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19so she made me stand behind a curtain.
0:15:19 > 0:15:25Then she said, "What word are you most comfortable with for the men's bits?"
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Men's bits? So I said, "Dick!"
0:15:32 > 0:15:34That is true.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39Now, I've read your whole book. It's very good.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43But there's nothing in it about sex being wrong.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46No. Is this going back to Mother again?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49LAUGHS Do you not think it is?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52No. I quite like sex, actually. Woo! Yeah.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Don't you? Sometimes.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Sometimes I just want a bath and a book.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I love a hairy man. Right.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08How hairy can a man be before he's actually a monkey?
0:16:10 > 0:16:14It's a fine line, isn't it? It's that Tom Selleck thing.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Should he be in a cage or should he be allowed to walk around? Should he be in a cage?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23I'd love a cage with Tom Selleck in it! That would be amazing.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26You like hairy men? Yeah. Really do. Damn!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Cos it makes me feel... Oh, sorry. I shaved before I came on.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33I shaved as well, but I just did me toes!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:16:39 > 0:16:43The only bit that's showing is fine. Exactly, that's what I thought.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48They're poking out there. I just did my big toe. Normally I do them all.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:54If you're under 25, shut up, it'll come to you as well.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Have you ever taken a picture of anybody's bits
0:16:57 > 0:17:00just cos you like the colour? Like...
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Like, "That's no good on a cock, but it would look lovely in me hallway."
0:17:06 > 0:17:10You could have a body-coloured house. Ah! Oh!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Imagine what colour the bathroom would be.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14What colour would yours be?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18It'd be like a coffee colour.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Is that healthy? Is that right? I don't know, you tell me!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Well, it... Shall we move on?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Isn't coffee a good colour for your poo?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Coffee's all right. It could have been a lot worse.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Could have been a lot worse. Could have been pea green.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I've had that in the past, but I wasn't very well. No.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Did you get antibiotics? Er, I think I just rode it out. Did you?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I'm from the North, love, we don't do antibiotics.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I just wanted you to say... (GEORDIE ACCENT) ..antibiotics.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58I got you to say erect penis and you want me to say "antibiotics".
0:17:58 > 0:18:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Is there anything you've never seen?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Anything you've heard of or maybe studied when you were training,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14but never seen in the flesh?
0:18:14 > 0:18:19There is a condition that fascinates me that I would love to see. You're going to love this!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22It's called diphallia. You have two penises.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26From the Greek. Wowzers! You actually really have two penises.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30You have one... Mine's not this big. We'll use an arm as an example.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34You have one normal one, all right? Then underneath...
0:18:34 > 0:18:38One normal one(!) ..you have a little one. It's got a watch on!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40That's made everyone feel inadequate.
0:18:40 > 0:18:46You have one normal one then underneath you have one... Ah! ..working little one.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49So the top one works and the bottom one works? They both proper work.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Amazing! I've never seen that. I've seen pictures.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Are they... I'm just going to ask the question. Go on. Are they wide enough to...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00To do it? Yeah. With who?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02At the same time? Oh!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:11The same place, or...different...
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Don't know, depends... I don't know. You tell me, you're the doctor.
0:19:14 > 0:19:21Are they...? They're right next to each other, so they would both go in the same place quite happily.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23And are they, size-wise... Yeah.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26..do they, like, make a good one?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29One is fine. You'd be happy with one.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32How do you know? The other one's an added extra.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Like a tickler?
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Yeah.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Remember... APPLAUSE
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Actually, while I've got you here... Yeah.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49SARAH GIGGLING Have we got a couch?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Can I show...you something?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I've got a photo. Oh! Is that all right?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58You must get this a lot. I do get it a lot, yeah.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01So... Cab drivers. Yeah. Cab drivers? Yeah.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04How do they get it through the little pay bit?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Oh, you can. You can.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08SARAH LAUGHS
0:20:08 > 0:20:11So I'll show you this. Yeah.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Let's have a look. So that's...
0:20:16 > 0:20:21Oh, my God! I'm a bit worried, to be honest. What have you been up to?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24That's Rash In The Attic! It looks that bad?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26It looks sore, doesn't it? That's awful!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29It's got little scabby bits on the bottom right.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32It's got a hairy stubbly thing in it. Y-Yeah.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Flick to the next picture. It might make it a bit clearer.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43APPLAUSE
0:20:43 > 0:20:46SARAH CHORTLES
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Does it look like I've got a stuffed crust?
0:20:53 > 0:20:57I'm still not eating it, sorry. I didn't know that was an option.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Now, you always talk about healthy eating, but do you ever get in from work and just chuck, like,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07an Auntie Bessie's frozen dinner in the oven...?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Oh, Yorkshire puddings. Yorkshire puddings. I like a pasty.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12And I like a Yorkshire puddin'. Yeah, I do.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17At the same time? Oh, no, no. That's like freezer surprise.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Do you know when you're in a station and there's always a pasty shop
0:21:21 > 0:21:23and they smell amazing.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Every now and again, particularly if I've got a baseball cap and no-one knows it's me,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I'll get a pasty. Cos they judge you.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32When I go to the supermarket, they look in my trolley, see what I'm buying.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35And they tut. They do the same with me,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37if they see I've got fruit, they do.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40They just look disappointed.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42They think I've let them all down. Hmm.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45What's the most embarrassing bit of your body?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47My bum. Your bum?
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Why your bum? It's quite big. That's not a bad thing.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Have you seen my bum? Look. Let's have a look. Look.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57That looks like a pretty good bum to me. That's a big bum.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01You can rest bread rolls on my bum. It's quite large.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05And do you? LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Shall we try it? If only we could.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10What's your most embarrassing bit?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12You didn't know I was going to ask that. No.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Er, I've already told you about my toes. That's not good enough.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18You need to do a better one than that.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Really? Yeah. Vagina.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24It's just too lovely. Is it?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26LAUGHTER
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I don't really like underneath me boobs.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34What goes on under there?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Sweat.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Now, you've been a doctor for a long time. How long?
0:22:41 > 0:22:4314 years, something like that.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47In your professional opinion, and don't be afraid to use big words. OK.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48I won't.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52When you have an itchy bum, how do you scratch it without anybody seeing?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Are you sitting or standing?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I'm happy with either answer.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03I mean, you know, the public are happy with either answer.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05If you're sitting, I move onto one cheek.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Try it now, go onto one cheek.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11And then just give it a bit of a... You see, you can do it, can't you?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13But then people think you're doing a fart, don't they?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16If you do that face as well.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28And what about standing up? I suggest back up to a tree.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Like a bear in the woods.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Yeah, that's a good one, I like that one. Um...
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Do you spot people in the street, like a model scout? Yeah.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Do you do that? A disease scout? Yeah.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46"Don't be alarmed, but I'm going to make THAT a star!"
0:23:47 > 0:23:51"Do us a favour, don't drain it over the weekend."
0:23:51 > 0:23:56You have this conundrum where I'm on the Tube, see something
0:23:56 > 0:24:00and think, "Ooh, I wonder if they know about that." SARAH GASPS
0:24:00 > 0:24:04"Should I tell them?" Would you like that? It depends.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08If you're doing it in a loud voice on a packed Tube or train... Probably not.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11But if you went, "Come here."
0:24:12 > 0:24:17Is that not even more scary? You've got such a nice face. I think that would be all right.
0:24:17 > 0:24:23Would you be happy for a doctor to come up to you and go, "I've spotted that you've got this thing.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25"I think it's this"? Would you be happy?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27ALL: Yes.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Unanimous. The whole of them, yeah. Everybody!
0:24:31 > 0:24:36Right, I will. Now everybody's all a bit nervous on the way out. Just...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Somebody standing at the door going, "You, this way."
0:24:39 > 0:24:42It's going to be like X Factor.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46"All the people in this room, you're going through to boot camp!
0:24:46 > 0:24:49"All of you in this room, something wrong."
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Thank you very much for coming on the show. You've been an absolute joy.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Christian Jessen.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:06 > 0:25:11Well, it's nice to know we all might get pulled aside on a train now!
0:25:11 > 0:25:16Everyone's talking about reality TV, but have you noticed so many programmes are based on unreality?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Everything is fantasy and sci-fi.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21It leaves me a bit cold, to be honest.
0:25:21 > 0:25:28I think my boyfriend watches too much of it because he sometimes refers to people as "humans".
0:25:28 > 0:25:30"I was on the bus and three humans got on."
0:25:34 > 0:25:38If sci-fi has taught me anything, it's that, at some point,
0:25:38 > 0:25:42all electrical devices will rise up and try to kill off the human race.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45So do be careful with that vibrator.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47But what a way to go, eh?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Humans are completely sexually compatible with aliens.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56It's never, "I've got a knob, what have you got? Oh, a mincer."
0:25:58 > 0:26:04It is much easier and quicker to learn how to use the controls of an alien spaceship than a hire car.
0:26:04 > 0:26:11Dr Who never tries to fix something with his sonic screwdriver only to say, "Shit! It's a Phillips!"
0:26:11 > 0:26:14LAUGHTER
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I can't get away with superheroes, either.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20I'd be a rubbish one. I'm too chatty to be a superhero.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I can't keep anything quiet.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27I'd be, like, "Guess what, Twitter! I can fly, but kryptonite destroys me."
0:26:29 > 0:26:32My trouble is that I add reality to it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:37Being a vampire must be a pain in the arse, having to get blood all the time.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42My nearest Tesco Metro is ten minutes away and it doesn't even have mangos out of season!
0:26:42 > 0:26:47Zombies - how would you know when they don't just want a cuddle?
0:26:49 > 0:26:53"Come here. Come here, you hollowed-eyed beauty."
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Have you seen True Blood?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59It's a mature vampire drama, apparently.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01It's not only the necks they're sucking.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07In that show, the vampires live alongside humans and get
0:27:07 > 0:27:08blood substitute to live on - I Can't Believe It's Not Blood.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Then there's the ultimate sci-fi show, Dr Who.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I saw in the news that they're going to bring back old police boxes.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23How confusing for kids who don't know that they're not TARDISs.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Are they going to end up like old phone boxes, smelling of piss
0:27:27 > 0:27:29with prostitutes' business cards?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32"I'm bigger on the inside, too!"
0:27:41 > 0:27:45There's a lot to take in watching sci-fi and fantasy programmes.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49My boyfriend can remember all the bizarre character names in the shows he watches.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Such as Daenerys Targaryen in Game Of Thrones.
0:27:52 > 0:27:58Yet whenever we go round his friend's house I have to go, "His wife's name is Catherine."
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Four years we've known them.
0:28:03 > 0:28:08I asked what it was about and he said, "It's a story about a woman with three dragons."
0:28:08 > 0:28:10I thought, "What? Hilary Devey?"
0:28:12 > 0:28:17I now know that character's full name is Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen,
0:28:17 > 0:28:21Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26But she's also known as Dany for short.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Everyone in Game of Thrones has names like that.
0:28:30 > 0:28:35If I was a character in it, I'd be Sarah Millican, Mother of Kittens...
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Enjoyer of Long Baths and Vanquisher of Biscuits.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44If Dany Targaryen is a queen and has three dragons,
0:28:44 > 0:28:49does that mean somewhere there's another queen called Kylie Targaryen who's loads better?
0:28:53 > 0:28:56The books have maps in the front. As far as I'm concerned,
0:28:56 > 0:28:59the only book I'll ever read that has a map in the front is an atlas.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03And I've got an audio version of that anyway - a satnav.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Shows like Game Of Thrones are called fantasy.
0:29:07 > 0:29:13My fantasy telly would be Phillip Schofield presenting The Great British Bake Off...
0:29:13 > 0:29:15naked...
0:29:16 > 0:29:18..and his cats.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21LAUGHTER
0:29:21 > 0:29:24If you haven't seen Game Of Thrones, everyone's medieval
0:29:24 > 0:29:27and you never know if they're going to fight or have sex.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Basically, Geordie Shore with capes.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35When I heard of it, I thought it was a quiz show like Wheel Of Fortune.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39Game Of Thrones! I expected to see Bradley Walsh telling a contestant,
0:29:39 > 0:29:41"You've landed on a penalty square.
0:29:41 > 0:29:46"Do you want to commit incest with your sister or behead your dad?"
0:29:46 > 0:29:51There's so much intrigue. You look at all of them and have no idea who's in charge.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53A bit like being in New Look.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59And don't get me started on dragons! A sentence I never expected to say.
0:29:59 > 0:30:04My fella said, "Did you know that a new-born dragon is only the size of our cat?"
0:30:04 > 0:30:08No, I didn't know that - cos they don't exist.
0:30:16 > 0:30:21There's only one way to understand the show and that's to meet the people in it.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25So, from Game Of Thrones, please welcome Finn Jones, John Bradley and Kristian Nairn,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28also known as Ser Loras, Samwell and Hodor.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Hello, hello, hello. Hello. Hello, boys.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43You all look lovely. This is just day wear, is it? Yeah.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47You look smashing. I have watched Game Of Thrones. Not all of it.
0:30:47 > 0:30:52I've watched a good five or six episodes and I've got one question. Right.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56What the fuck is going on? ALL LAUGH
0:31:00 > 0:31:04Can any of you sum it up like that, in a couple of sentences?
0:31:04 > 0:31:08Oh, boobs. Lots of boobs. Lots of boobs? Yeah. OK.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Death. Boobs and death!
0:31:10 > 0:31:12LAUGHS
0:31:12 > 0:31:18Taking it up a level, I think it's mainly about dysfunctional family relationships.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Just to counteract the boobs and death.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23So, boobs, death and Jeremy Kyle?
0:31:23 > 0:31:26LAUGHTER That's enough.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Who are the goodies and who are the baddies? It's hard to say.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31That's the problem people have.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34The baddies and the goodies aren't clearly defined.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Are you all goodies or baddies? I think I'm a goody.
0:31:37 > 0:31:42I'm a goody. I'm certainly a goody. We're all goodies!
0:31:42 > 0:31:46You don't know who are goodies or baddies, but you're determined to be goodies?
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Kristian, your character only ever says, "Hodor". Yes.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53So they've assumed that's his name. It's not really his name.
0:31:53 > 0:31:58His real name is Walder. Oh, yeah. It's a mystery why he is a bit brain-damaged.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01But that's putting it mildly. He can only say one word.
0:32:01 > 0:32:07Which is great for learning lines! You must have to put a lot of effort in and a lot of emotion.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11Tremendous amount of effort. A happy "hodor" or a sad "hodor"?
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Or a sexually frustrated "hodor".
0:32:14 > 0:32:17That's 99%. That's 99% of them?
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Boobs and death. That's what it's all about.
0:32:20 > 0:32:24Hodor is a giant. Yes. How did you get the part?
0:32:24 > 0:32:25Well...
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Oh. Like that. APPLAUSE
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Can I stand beside you?
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Wow!
0:32:40 > 0:32:42I feel so tiny and feminine...
0:32:42 > 0:32:45for the first time ever.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48So I think you play the heart-throb.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51One of, yes. One of the heart-throbs.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Do women throw their chastity belts at you? I mean, sometimes.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58Check out these armour abs! Are you the same underneath?
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Yeah!
0:33:00 > 0:33:02No, definitely not!
0:33:02 > 0:33:06I like the sound of this. I'd like to be in Game Of Thrones.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10And because it's MY telly programme, I can do just that.
0:33:10 > 0:33:11Hold on a minute.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20MUSIC: Theme to Game Of Thrones
0:33:23 > 0:33:27Our enemies gather strength, Samwell. We are but three.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29They are but many.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34'Tis true. Who will aid us now in our hour of darkness?
0:33:36 > 0:33:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:46 > 0:33:50It is the beautiful, if not stockier than I remember,
0:33:50 > 0:33:51Mother of Dragons.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58Carry on, pet, you'll not make it past series four.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01I am Ser Loras, Knight of the Flowers.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Ooh, hello, flower.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06And I am Samwell Tarly of the Night's Watch.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Hang on, pet, cos I'm only up to book two.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12But I know who you are. You're Hagrid.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Hodor.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Anyway, I am Sarah... of the House of...
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Canesten...
0:34:22 > 0:34:25APPLAUSE
0:34:27 > 0:34:30..bearer of the burning and the itching...
0:34:32 > 0:34:36..come to your aid with my mighty fire-breathing dragon.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38ROARING
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Dragon...
0:34:44 > 0:34:46breathe your fiery breath.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Oh, shit, he's gone out again.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58All right, we spent all the money on the wig, right?
0:35:00 > 0:35:04We are doomed, but we will not depart this realm without a fight.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07To arms! To arms!
0:35:07 > 0:35:09We've all got two arms, pet.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13What's your point? This is my point!
0:35:13 > 0:35:17Ooh! My sword...Warhammer.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21Ooh! And this, MY sword, Steeltongue. Ooh!
0:35:21 > 0:35:24Oh! Well, while we're all doing it!
0:35:24 > 0:35:28These are my trusty blades...
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Kitchen Devils!
0:35:32 > 0:35:34APPLAUSE
0:35:37 > 0:35:44We three shall prevail over our foes with the steel in our hearts.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48We shall triumph and ascend to the Iron Throne.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51This is so exciting!
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Oh, shit!
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Shit!
0:35:59 > 0:36:03I forgot I was holding them. Oh, shit!
0:36:03 > 0:36:07Hodor never liked them, anyway. Oh, don't start talking, flower.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11I liked you better the way you were.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14So, are you all in proportion?
0:36:14 > 0:36:16APPLAUSE
0:36:23 > 0:36:25Thanks so much for coming on the show.
0:36:25 > 0:36:29Ladies and gentlemen, John, Finn and Kristian from Game Of Thrones.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:35 > 0:36:39Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about The Walking Dead,
0:36:39 > 0:36:43or as it's more commonly known, the Antiques Roadshow.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45We didn't talk about 24 Hours In A,
0:36:45 > 0:36:48which is basically a normal waiting time.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51I couldn't talk about Doctors. I haven't seen it.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54I can't get past the receptionist.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57The documentary Will My Crash Diet Kill Me?
0:36:57 > 0:36:59Yes, love. Have a bun.
0:37:01 > 0:37:06Or those shows where they travel back to a time when it was OK to be sexist and racist -
0:37:06 > 0:37:10Life On Mars, Ashes To Ashes, Top Gear.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Good night.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd