0:00:03 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language
0:00:40 > 0:00:45Hello, and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme!
0:00:45 > 0:00:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:57It seems to me that lots of people are a bit snobby about watching the cable channels.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59But they're well worth flicking through.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03I've noticed a lot of the shows have "extreme" in the title.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Extreme Couponing.
0:01:06 > 0:01:12What's the extreme bit? Is Dad using the chainsaw to cut out the coupons?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15While a tiny child holds the magazine?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Extreme Furniture.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19That would just be me getting on a bar stool!
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Trying to keep the conversation going while doing the "hup" noise!
0:01:25 > 0:01:29And there's Laid Bare, a behind-the-scenes look at the porn industry.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Behind-the-scenes?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33What, are they putting their clothes on?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Just eating sandwiches.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I wish the Dog Whisperer was just a man leaning into a Yorkshire Terrier
0:01:41 > 0:01:43going, "Your breath stinks."
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Then there's It's Me Or The Dog,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52where people decide who did the turd on the kitchen floor!
0:01:52 > 0:01:53It's me or the dog!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Someone's been eating out of the bin during the night.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It's me or the dog.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Yeah, it was me.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15You know, times are tough. The economy is struggling. Lots of people are short of money.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17But, as ever, TV is there to help us out.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Shows like SuperScrimpers are great.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Here are some money-saving tips that I've learnt.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Don't buy the SuperScrimpers book. Just get it out the library!
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Don't buy Christmas presents for elderly relatives too early.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Clean your windows with vinegar.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43That way, your kitchen smells of chips!
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Wondering what to do with all of that unused Windolene?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Pop it on your chips.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Use your dad's pants as dusters, but not while he's still wearing them.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58If anything, it makes it more smeary!
0:03:03 > 0:03:08Make your own hair removal wax by melting sugar with water and lemon juice.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I did that and it all went wrong.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Now I've got a caramel bikini line!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17But the boys seem to like it!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20And so do the wasps.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Some of the money-saving tips are bloody rubbish, though.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"Don't spend money on expensive gym memberships."
0:03:28 > 0:03:29That's it.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Just don't!
0:03:33 > 0:03:38"Save money on cotton wool. Use small pieces of cut-up tights to remove nail varnish."
0:03:38 > 0:03:41But then you'll have to buy new tights!
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Save money on tights by sticking cotton wool to your legs.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52"Don't buy deodorisers for your shoes. Put cat litter in them overnight."
0:03:56 > 0:03:59But then your cat will have a shit in them!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Mind, that smell of cheese is almost gone!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12"Save money on pets. Make friends with a dog owner and walk their dog."
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Save money on a partner. Have sex with your friend's husband.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Have you noticed how all economic terms sound like something else?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Quantative easing. Is that like an economic Rennie?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Sounds more like a big dump.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35"Just nipping off for some quantative easing. Anyone seen Heat magazine?"
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Inflation - is that like bloating?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42So is deflation a bucket of Activia and a good fart?
0:04:44 > 0:04:49Apparently, the banks have demanded an injection of liquidity. Dirty buggers!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56One thing I do understand is pie charts.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59That's what I call the menus in Greggs.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Now, we all need help understanding this stuff,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06and who better to give us that help
0:05:06 > 0:05:09than TV's money-saving expert Martin Lewis?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Hello, Martin. Thank you very much for joining us.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24Now, do you actually spend anything, or are you just a tight-arse?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:33APPLAUSE
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I have spent a penny, on occasion, if that counts!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40GROANING
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Is any of the shampoo in your house not nicked from a hotel?
0:05:49 > 0:05:53The thing is, what you do with that is you get...
0:05:53 > 0:05:54That's a no, then!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It's an implied freebie when you go into a hotel.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01There's nothing wrong with taking them. Stealing the towels and dressing gown is difficult!
0:06:01 > 0:06:05But the shampoo is there to be used. You said "difficult"! You didn't say it was different!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Take me away now!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Have you got loads of the little sachets of sugar in your house from cafes?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21That's slightly different,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23because then you're only meant to take one or two.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25You're not meant to take the whole lot,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28so I'm not sure you would get the same implied consent of taking it.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31They don't know if you're not the sort of person who has four sugars,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33so you could just take three and put one in your tea.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Couldn't you? I like the way you think.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Do you want to come work for me?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39No.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42I don't pay very well.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48One of your tips is you say, "Take a sponge into the shower,"
0:06:48 > 0:06:51cos it saves soap, doesn't it?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Does it have to be a sponge, or could a Swiss roll do the job?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00It's not actually one of my tips, but I like it anyway.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03It would be dual purpose. You know, you'd enjoy it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Exactly. You'd have a bite first before you start under your armpits!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Do you love an all-you-can-eat buffet, though?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16I do. I do. I'm not allowed often, but I go in there,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19and the thing about an all-you-can-eat buffet is
0:07:19 > 0:07:20you have to do it actually
0:07:20 > 0:07:24as a practical experiment of how you're going to get the maximum in.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25People make terrible mistakes.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27They fill the plate up with stuff they don't want.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30You go in first, you take your first plate,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33and you do a small trial of each of the different goods out there.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35You make sure you understand how much they would cost
0:07:35 > 0:07:39if you were buying them elsewhere, and then you go back again
0:07:39 > 0:07:41and you maximise your plate, finding out which is going to
0:07:41 > 0:07:43give you the best value when you're sitting in there.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47You eat as much as you can just before the point that you're sick,
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Sarah - just BEFORE the point, right -
0:07:48 > 0:07:52and then you've got it all in there, and if you've deep pockets...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05What's your thermostat set at at home?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Um... Four jumpers and a big blanket!
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Really? Do you wear jumpers in the house? Do you know what number it's on?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18It doesn't work. It's set as a temperature. It's a bit accurate.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I think, since you ask the question, it's at 68 degrees Fahrenheit
0:08:20 > 0:08:23and it's turned off as soon as possible after the winter ends.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28I'd like to be anything more, but I've got a little baby and she's more important than saving money!
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Aw!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Hasn't she got any jumpers?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Do you haggle with your wife?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Like, "I'll take the bins out if you touch it."
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Why would she want to touch the bins?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Well, if that's what you call it at home...
0:08:47 > 0:08:52When you give your wife flowers, are they usually wreaths you've found on the side of the road?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56You ask that - I was so proud the other week
0:08:56 > 0:09:01cos there was a lovely bunch of flowers reduced to 20p in the supermarket.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05And normally, when you buy flowers, you take the price off
0:09:05 > 0:09:09but I was so proud of the bargain, I left it on, just to show her!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12It's true! And what did she say?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15She was delighted. She's tighter than I am!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Even after having a baby?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33You mentioned that you have a baby. Congratulations.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I'm surprised you didn't have twins, though.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Did they not have a BOGOF on babies at the time?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42But you did get a good return on your deposit, which is nice(!)
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Um, did you give... Oh, no, I don't know if I can do that!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Don't do it. Whatever it was, don't do it!
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Did you give your wife an injection of liquidity?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01No, but I've got a great endowment!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Now, did you know that you were the UK's second most searched person in 2010?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Do you just look a bit suspicious? Is that what it is?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23I was the most searched person in 2009.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27I've been in quite a few years - the second most in 2010.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30And I think I'm right to say that the person who beat me that year
0:10:30 > 0:10:33was Cheryl Cole, and I think the thing is,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36when people search me it's obviously because they want to see my tips,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38and with Cheryl...
0:10:42 > 0:10:47One of your money-saving tips is to buy cheap cola and flush it down the toilet.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Is that to clean it, or just cos it's horrible?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53It does, it does a really good clean.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Bicarbonate of soda and white vinegar are really good.
0:10:56 > 0:11:01But I have to admit, there are some things that I say which I admit even I don't do myself.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02If you're on a water meter,
0:11:02 > 0:11:07there's the old phrase, "If it's yellow, let it mellow,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"if it's brown, flush it down."
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I have to say I draw the line a bit above that one.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I flush. I press the little flush, not the big flush.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Don't press the big flush if it's just a bit of yellow.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22You press the little flush.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25The thing with my diet, sometimes I need to do the two and then a bucket of water.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32You can break it up with a stick. That helps as well.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Do you ever make economic mistakes?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Like, do you ever... Not being paid enough to come on this show!
0:11:42 > 0:11:46You're not being paid at all, are you, love? Exactly!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49If you could only give us one money-saving tip, what would it be?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53If you give people two DVD players and one cost ?150 and one cost ?50,
0:11:53 > 0:11:57you ask them which one's better, they say the ?150 one.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00But often there's not much in it. It's called retail snobbery.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02We think because it costs more, it must be better,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05and that's the way stores try and get too much money off us.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Judge it on the product, not on the price. And that's why we didn't pay you that much.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14If you think you can get your money's worth!
0:12:19 > 0:12:22If you were Chancellor of the Exchequer, what would you do?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Resign!
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Thank you very much, Martin. You've been a brilliant guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Martin Lewis!
0:12:34 > 0:12:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:38 > 0:12:43So I've listened to his advice, but there must be an easier way of making money. There must be.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Ah!
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Let's have a go at this.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Pizza, pizza, pizza! Hooray!
0:13:06 > 0:13:10I had a horrible feeling there was going to be fruit coming out. Thank God that didn't happen!
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Have some BBC money. There you go, flower!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15It's more than Martin got paid, but...
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Have you noticed there are so many history programmes on TV at the moment?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Everything I've learned about history, I've got from Blackadder!
0:13:31 > 0:13:35I told Blackadder's writer Richard Curtis, and he was both thrilled and appalled.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I take most history with a pinch of salt,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41especially the history of tequila!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:13:44 > 0:13:47We didn't do history at school. We just did humanities.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49So we just coloured in Romans for four years!
0:13:49 > 0:13:53The only thing I know is that the Romans wore pink outfits.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57We didn't do World War II at school.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59But I heard about it from my granddad.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I wasn't sure if I'd follow it, cos I hadn't seen World War I.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07But I do know a few things.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10The Romantic era was when Spandau Ballet were top of the hit parade.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15The Great Depression lasted from 1929 to World War II
0:14:15 > 0:14:18because that's when everyone cheered up!
0:14:18 > 0:14:20"Something's happening now!"
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Stockings, chocolate and GI blow-jobs!
0:14:25 > 0:14:29One of my friends watches a ridiculous amount of Hitler programmes.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31They're always on the history channels.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Surely they've covered all angles now,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36though I've never seen Hitler Says The Funniest Things.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I saw in the listings that a show called Secrets Of World War II
0:14:40 > 0:14:43was on at 6.45am.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I thought, "Put it on at that time and they'll stay secret!"
0:14:48 > 0:14:52It's not just the history programmes that have ancient artefacts on.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56The other day on Top Gear, I saw some opinions from the 1970s.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I love Who Do You Think You Are? Bloody love it.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11But every time it comes on, I'm disappointed that the theme tune
0:15:11 > 0:15:14isn't, "Swing it, shake it, move it, make it!"
0:15:15 > 0:15:18By Series 25, it'll be called Who The Fuck Is That?
0:15:23 > 0:15:28The Australian version of Who Do You Think You Are? is called What Do You Think You Did?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36I've actually been on Who Do You Think You Are? They don't tell you where you're going beforehand.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I had to have "cold weather training".
0:15:38 > 0:15:42My boyfriend said, "That'll be for the bit when you go back to South Shields"!
0:15:44 > 0:15:48When we were filming at my parents' house, the crew needed us to be quiet
0:15:48 > 0:15:50while they recorded the sound of the room.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55The sound man said, "Recording at Sarah's parents' house, in the back room."
0:15:55 > 0:15:58My dad leaned right into the microphone and said,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00"Dining room."
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I still feel a bit bad for not knowing much about history,
0:16:11 > 0:16:15so to explain it all to me, please welcome TV historian Dan Cruickshank.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Hello!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Hello, Sarah.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Hello, Dan, welcome to the show. Thank you very much for coming.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34Can we go back to ancient times? You can try. Thank you. Thank you.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Before the Iron Age, was everything just really creased?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Well, very bent. Very bent and wobbly, I'm sure.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Bent and wobbly.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48What is oral history? I've heard that happens to most couples, after a while.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Explain.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I'm not going to explain that to you!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58I'm certainly not going to explain it you. Not now, anyway!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Not now. We'll do that... Well, not do it... It's...
0:17:04 > 0:17:07As part of your series The Art of Dying,
0:17:07 > 0:17:12you asked the BBC Obituary Department if you could read your own obituary.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Did it have a date on it?
0:17:17 > 0:17:21I didn't ask for that. Oh! They just gave you it?!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23You know what television's like. Hmm, I do.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25You do. It's pretty ghastly.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30And, um... I'm having a lovely time, just so you know.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Apart from this evening. It wasn't my idea, but the producer decided to have my obituary written.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38It was disappointing. It was short.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40But he told me... He told me...
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I'd reached a reasonable average level. I don't know, a page and a bit.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48I've written mine, so tell us what you think of this.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52"Here lies Sarah Millican. She finally finished all the biscuits.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57"She's buried with her cats.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59"They're not happy.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04"But at least they won't be hungry for a bit.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12"She bought a double plot, so can you let Phillip Schofield know, please."
0:18:14 > 0:18:17What historical figures would you have for dinner?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Oh, now, this would be to entertain?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I don't mean like you would eat them.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Good for you. All the fat ones!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Have over for dinner.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I live in Spitalfields in east London.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38And there's a notorious character there -
0:18:38 > 0:18:40now dead, thank goodness, we suppose -
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Jack the Ripper. Oh.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48I suppose I would rather like to have this mysterious character at my dining table
0:18:48 > 0:18:49to question him.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54You'd want a few others as well, cos that would just be awkward, if it was just you and him!
0:18:54 > 0:18:55He may not reveal his secrets!
0:18:55 > 0:19:01Cos you had a thought that Jack the Ripper may have lived in your house, is that correct?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03He had a sense of humour. Wicked sense of humour.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06He wanted to torment and tease the police force.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09And my house is just a few doors down from the police station.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14And then I thought, "He'd probably lodge in the area, wouldn't he?"
0:19:14 > 0:19:18And my house would have been a perfect place.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It was a cheap lodging house at the time.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23So you've come to this in quite an intelligent way.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I just thought maybe you were still getting his post!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28That's it!
0:19:32 > 0:19:37You are an expert on the sex industry in 18th-century London, are you not?
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Weirdly enough, I am. I'm sorry, but there we go. Academic research.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Don't apologise, it's smashing. Well, it's great to be an expert on something, yeah.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51And you believe that one in five women were prostitutes in London then?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54The calculations made at the time
0:19:54 > 0:19:58and, indeed, various figures one can put together,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00suggests that that's the case.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03And therefore... One in five! One in five.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07I think that's what my mam thinks London's like now, though.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11One in five! Possibly more.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Was the Ming Dynasty just full of ugly people?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Because it does sound like a really ugly soap opera, doesn't it?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Now, which other car parks have got kings in?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28That was a brilliant story, wasn't it? It was such a good story!
0:20:28 > 0:20:32I understand the fact that he was found in a car park,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35because I've lost my car in a car park and wandered round and gone,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"I think I'm going to die in here!"
0:20:38 > 0:20:40So I totally get it. I totally get it.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46If you could go back to any time in history, when and where would it be?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Well, it would have to be the 18th century, I suppose.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52That would be fantastic, just to walk the streets of London
0:20:52 > 0:20:56in the mid 18th century, looking and observing.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Just counting all the prostitutes.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01One, two, three, four, definitely.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03One, two, three, four, yes.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Does it annoy you when people say, "And the rest is history."
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Because you're like, "Come on, that's the bit that's great!"
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Everything is history, isn't it? Everything is history.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16This is history now, thank goodness!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Living history. Harsh!
0:21:27 > 0:21:31All history is something that happened yesterday, or even a few minutes ago.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Things we can reflect on and learn lessons from.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38So the bit where I nearly had to describe to you what oral sex was -
0:21:38 > 0:21:40that's history? It's now blessedly history!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42But... I like that bit of history.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47You've been such an interesting guest. Thanks for coming on the show.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Cruickshank.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01That's history sorted!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Let's get back to proper telly!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Those structured reality shows are as popular as ever, aren't they?
0:22:07 > 0:22:11The Only Way Is Essex, The Valleys, Geordie Shore.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Or as I like to call them, regional idiot shows.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18What's next? Ipswich Has Imbeciles?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Dipshits Of Devon?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Cornwall Has...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27There are three types of people who watch TOWIE.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28People who watch ironically,
0:22:28 > 0:22:30people who want to have that lifestyle,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33and people who've lost their remote control.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41If I wanted to find out inane nonsense about people I don't know or care about,
0:22:41 > 0:22:42I'd phone me mam!
0:22:46 > 0:22:50The men on TOWIE are so obsessed with their appearance.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51I don't know blokes like that.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I don't know any blokes who own a full-length mirror.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58All the men I know just check for bogeys when they're in the car.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I can't believe that Joey Essex is his real name.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Surely they just gave him that surname
0:23:05 > 0:23:07so he'd know what to say to a taxi driver to get him home.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12TOWIE gave the world the "vajazzle".
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Why call it that? Why not "glunt" or "sequim"?
0:23:25 > 0:23:29In TOWIE, you can always tell when your fella's having an affair,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31cos he comes back from a night out with a glittery mouth!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39They even had anal bleaching!
0:23:39 > 0:23:43They say you can't polish a turd, but you can give it a big entrance!
0:23:47 > 0:23:48I do love watching Geordie Shore,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52but I sometimes think I might have caught something off them
0:23:52 > 0:23:54through the telly. There's so much yeast in that house,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57people driving past must think they're near a brewery.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I watched an episode of The Valleys the other day
0:24:01 > 0:24:03as they demonstrated tea-bagging.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07My boyfriend suggested it once,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10but changed his mind when he heard the kettle boil.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Surely it's only a matter of time till one of them says,
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"Prestatyn! As far as it'll go."
0:24:26 > 0:24:30The big reality show from the States is Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Kim Kardashian became famous as the result of a sex tape,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36or as we call it in our tape, gaffer tape.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40She's described as a socialite, which comes from two words -
0:24:40 > 0:24:42"sociable" and "parasite".
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Like a pissed fly.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50She has a fashion boutique called DASH.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52I dread to think what her underwear range is called.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59But my favourite reality show is Made In Chelsea,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02as that's the one that's closest to my lifestyle.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07A non-stop round of partying, modelling and fashion blogging.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Sniff me leggings. I can get another day out of them!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20One of the blokes is the VIP host for a celebrity hang-out.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Talk about made-up job titles!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25He might as well be a unicorn trainer!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Most of the women in Made In Chelsea are "ladies who lunch".
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I don't see what's so impressive about that!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35I lunch, breakfast, brunch, dinner and tea!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Don't take me on, ladies!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41One of them is called Binky.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44She sounds like she's been named by a xylophone!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Along with her brother, Plinky-Plonk.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53They seem to just keep the nicknames they had at school!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56If I did that, I'd be called Norma No-Mates!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I'd like to know more about the world of Made In Chelsea,
0:26:02 > 0:26:03because I think I'd fit right in.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08So to tell me all about it, please welcome a former star of the show, Gabriella Ellis.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Hello, Gabriella. Hello. Welcome to the show. Thanks very much for coming.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Just how posh are you?
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Like, do you make common boyfriends use the tradesmen's entrance?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Um, posh?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34We live in Chelsea,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36so we get branded as really posh,
0:26:36 > 0:26:40but I'm the same as everyone else, I like to think.
0:26:40 > 0:26:46And you had to make a difficult choice to leave. I did, yes.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Was that because of the bedroom tax, or...
0:26:51 > 0:26:54It must have been hard. Was it hard? It was very difficult, actually.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I didn't tell anyone that I was leaving.
0:26:57 > 0:27:03So the last scene that you see, when I walk in the room and say I'm leaving, everyone burst into tears.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06It was two years of my life. It was a big, big part.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09That's nice that they burst into tears. It was.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11If they'd just went, "Bye!"
0:27:11 > 0:27:13See you!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15You're a bit of a role model, aren't you?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Nowadays, a lot of kids want rich parents, don't they?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Have you ever wanted to visit the North and see how the other half live?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Like Camden, for example?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29I've been to Camden! You've been to Camden?! I've been to Camden, yes.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Is this the furthest north you've been, Salford?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I've been to Sunderland. Wow! Is that further? Why? Cos...
0:27:38 > 0:27:40What's your favourite Pot Noodle flavour?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Er... Do you not even know what a Pot Noodle is?!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I know what a Pot Noodle is, don't worry. You've seen the adverts.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I've seen the adverts, yeah. Um...
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Just say chicken. Chicken. Chicken and sweetcorn?
0:27:52 > 0:27:56I feel like that's going to be there. No? That sounds a bit fancy!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Is music your biggest love? It is.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05It's not still Ollie?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08It's not Ollie, no. Ollie and I are best friends now.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Oh, that's lovely. That's really nice. I was with them all last night.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15You say that even though Ollie is gay,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18he still knows how to satisfy a woman.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21He... Was he just good at ironing?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25It's enough! Sometimes it's enough.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Do you know what? He IS good at ironing.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Do the Chelsea girls go in for the vajazzling as well?
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Like TOWIE and the lady garden area?
0:28:35 > 0:28:37But is it like posher where you've got somebody in, like,
0:28:37 > 0:28:39you've got your own lady gardener.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45To look after, you know, to trim your box hedging.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49We're not really into our vajazzles.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52We like to just, you know, keep it clean.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Keep it clean's good! Keep it clean.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58I think I could fit in.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00I think you could. In that show. I really do.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04I do need a little bit of help with this area!
0:29:04 > 0:29:06With the...? With the accent.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10Because at the moment I do sound a lot like I could work in any call centre, don't I?
0:29:13 > 0:29:18"Hello, you're through to Orange. I understand you're thinking of leaving." See?
0:29:25 > 0:29:29So what I think I need is a highly trained vocal coach.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Please welcome Samantha Mesagno.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Hello. Hello.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Thanks for coming on, pet. My pleasure.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Are you going to teach me to talk all dead posh and that,
0:29:46 > 0:29:49like Gabriella? I'll do my best. Yeah? Yes.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51OK. How the hell are we going to do that?
0:29:51 > 0:29:54First of all, I'd like you to stand up for me
0:29:54 > 0:29:58because I think what we'll do first is a bit of centring and rooting work.
0:29:58 > 0:29:59SARAH GIGGLES
0:29:59 > 0:30:03This is going to help to give you confidence when you're doing the audition.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06I do feel confident when I've had a good rooting. I do.
0:30:07 > 0:30:11Perfect. What I'd like you to do is stand with your feet hip-width apart
0:30:11 > 0:30:13and place your hands on... Hip-width?!
0:30:16 > 0:30:18And place your hands on your belly for me.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Which belly?
0:30:20 > 0:30:24Do you want the one in my knickers or the one that's just over the top?
0:30:24 > 0:30:26Just around your belly button area.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Belly button. That bit there?
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Absolutely. When we're starting to do this exercise,
0:30:30 > 0:30:32I want you to think about your inner bear,
0:30:32 > 0:30:35because that's what's going to give you the confidence, all right?
0:30:35 > 0:30:38So... Hold on!
0:30:38 > 0:30:40My inner... Your inner bear.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42Like, grrr! Like... Absolutely.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45I was going to say, there's not much bare down there.
0:30:46 > 0:30:47So...
0:30:49 > 0:30:52Right, inner... Grrr!
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Absolutely. Inner bear. So how this is going to go is
0:30:54 > 0:30:56I'm going to give you a double bounce of sound
0:30:56 > 0:30:57and you're going to repeat it.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00OK. Then I'll do another double bounce of sound and you repeat it.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03We're going to work on the lovely RP vowels when we do this, all right?
0:31:03 > 0:31:05OK. Stop laughing, you!
0:31:05 > 0:31:08Hands on the belly. Focus on that centre, and...
0:31:08 > 0:31:09Huh-huh!
0:31:12 > 0:31:15Give it a try. Huh-huh! Lovely.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18Hi-hi! Hi-hi.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Ho-ho. Ho-ho.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22I feel like Santa, now! There you go. Ho-ho-ho!
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Ho-ho-ho-ho!
0:31:24 > 0:31:26You're doing very well. Thanks.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30The next thing we're going to work on now is something called oral posture.
0:31:30 > 0:31:31Oh, that's down on me knees?
0:31:31 > 0:31:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:40 > 0:31:42No? Oral posture is...
0:31:42 > 0:31:46Cos if you're in the car, you just lean over.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49That's when we're looking at what the lips, teeth, tongue and jaw are doing
0:31:49 > 0:31:53and primarily we're going to be focusing on the jaws. Teeth? Teeth?!
0:31:55 > 0:31:58I'm almost certain you're not supposed to use teeth.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00Just a little bit, like...
0:32:02 > 0:32:04That's all right. Looking at the jaw for this one.
0:32:04 > 0:32:09So with RP, what we're after is a lovely released jaw.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12That means there'll be more space in the mouth, in the oral cavity.
0:32:14 > 0:32:18Absolutely. So there's lots more room for those lovely RP vowels to bounce around.
0:32:18 > 0:32:19There's lots of room in there!
0:32:20 > 0:32:22So, you're going to love this.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24I'd like you to place your hands together.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28Brilliant. I want you to adopt a dropped-jaw position, which is "uh".
0:32:28 > 0:32:31Absolutely. LAUGHTER
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Shut up! And what I'd like you to do...
0:32:33 > 0:32:37What I'd like you to do is, we're going to shake our hands forward and backwards really quickly.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48I promise there is a purpose to this!
0:32:48 > 0:32:50That's what he always says!
0:32:52 > 0:32:54He's just tense, apparently.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58The head should stay beautifully still,
0:32:58 > 0:33:01the jaws should be lovely and released.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03And we're going to be doing it on an "ah" sound.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06Do an "ah" sound. So you can watch me, if you like, first of all,
0:33:06 > 0:33:09and then... I'd like to. All right.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Ahhhhh!
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Now your turn.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21Ready? Yeah. And...
0:33:21 > 0:33:23TOGETHER: Ahhhhh!
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Very well done. It's a really small one!
0:33:29 > 0:33:30Aw!
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Look. Aw!
0:33:32 > 0:33:34That's brilliant for loosening the jaw,
0:33:34 > 0:33:38because I can see that yours... Actually, it might not be that tight. Moving on.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44The next... The next thing I really want us to look at
0:33:44 > 0:33:49is the vowel changes. I'm moving on to the major, major RP vowel sounds.
0:33:49 > 0:33:55The first one that I'd like you to consider is the "oh" sound.
0:33:55 > 0:34:00Found in the words like "don't" and "know". Say that for me.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02GEORDIE ACCENT: Don't. Know.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05That's how I say it. Don't and know. So give me the "oh" sound.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Oh! Much better!
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Incorporate that now...
0:34:15 > 0:34:19Oh. Don't. Don't. Know. Know.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Much better! Well done! POSH: Don't know.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31And last but not least, the other really important vowel is the long vowel sound "ah"
0:34:31 > 0:34:35moving from its short position, potentially with your accent,
0:34:35 > 0:34:39so if you were saying words like "laugh" and "bath" and "grass",
0:34:39 > 0:34:42they would be lengthened with a long "ah" sound
0:34:42 > 0:34:44to "barrth", "laurrgh", "grarrss".
0:34:44 > 0:34:46Give it a go for me.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48POSH VOICE: Laugh. Good.
0:34:48 > 0:34:49Bath. Lovely.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Grass. Very good!
0:34:51 > 0:34:55APPLAUSE
0:34:55 > 0:34:58How we would complete that is to do a get-in line,
0:34:58 > 0:34:59so it's a practice sentence,
0:34:59 > 0:35:02so incorporating those vowels we've worked on,
0:35:02 > 0:35:07a possible practice sentence might be, "I don't know if I want a bath."
0:35:11 > 0:35:12But I always know.
0:35:14 > 0:35:15I just want to go...
0:35:15 > 0:35:17GEORDIE: I don't know if I want a bath.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20It's not even any words, it's just...bluhr!
0:35:20 > 0:35:23DEEP, POSH VOICE: I don't know if I want a bath.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26APPLAUSE
0:35:31 > 0:35:33I think I've got it. I really do.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36I just need to accessorise. Bear with us a second.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:54 > 0:35:57Why don't you say this and have a conversation with Gabriella?
0:35:57 > 0:35:58Oh, God! OK.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00OK. Let's do this.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05POSH VOICE: "So anyway, like...
0:36:06 > 0:36:09"..I'm having drinkies with Binky and Cheska
0:36:09 > 0:36:13"when who should so turn up but Millie?
0:36:13 > 0:36:16"And, like, she's so up in my grill.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21"And she's like, 'Way,' and I'm like, 'No way.'
0:36:21 > 0:36:25"So I totally throw my glass of pop in her face.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30"Only Cava. Totally worth it.
0:36:32 > 0:36:36"Anyway, j'adore Chelsea. Don't you think, Gabs?"
0:36:36 > 0:36:39GEORDIE ACCENT: I divvent know what you were talking about, pet!
0:36:48 > 0:36:50Thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:36:50 > 0:36:55Ladies and gentlemen, Gabriella Ellis and Samantha Mesagno.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:04 > 0:37:07DEEP, POSH VOICE: That's it for tonight.
0:37:07 > 0:37:13Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about the BBC's economics editor Stephanie Flanders,
0:37:13 > 0:37:16whose radio show is called Stephanomics.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19It's a shame she doesn't do it on the telly.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22She could show statistics on a "Stephy graph".
0:37:25 > 0:37:31Business news, which is what we call it at home when the cat's, like, totally shat where he shouldn't.
0:37:31 > 0:37:36And we didn't have time to talk about the rest of history.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Apparently, there's, like, fucking loads of it.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Ciao!
0:38:03 > 0:38:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd