0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:20 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Now, I've got a confession - I love Gok Wan.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I love what he's done for women.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59How early in life did he develop the instinct he has with us, though?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Did he turn around to the nurse in the delivery room and say,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05"Honey, it should be me slapping your arse for hiding away those curves."
0:01:05 > 0:01:08LAUGHTER
0:01:08 > 0:01:11A lot of what he does revolves around encouraging women to get their tits out.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16There's a fine line between fashion advice and a football chant.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21I love watching The Apprentice and I especially like the episode
0:01:21 > 0:01:23where he gives them a list of things to procure.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25It's like a treasure hunt, isn't it?
0:01:25 > 0:01:29I often wonder if that's just Lord Sugar's shopping list.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32"You need to get a mauve pashmina, some perfume and a nightie
0:01:32 > 0:01:34"for a woman who is about this big."
0:01:36 > 0:01:39I spotted a show in the paper called Virgin Diaries.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42What's that like?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44No entries this month.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Do you know what I've noticed,
0:01:55 > 0:01:57and I can say this on the BBC,
0:01:57 > 0:02:01we don't really watch adverts any more, do we?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05The last advert I watched was for my Sky Plus box and that one worked(!)
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Do you do what I do, and pause a programme at the beginning,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12while you have a wee and get the Quality Street out?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:17And then, when they say, "We'll be back after the break",
0:02:17 > 0:02:19you can go, "No, you bloody won't."
0:02:29 > 0:02:35Women's adverts always have a group of four, one of whom is laughing so hard she might piss out a kidney.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39They're trying to make it like Sex And The City,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43apart from the fact that they're talking about laxatives and feminine hygiene.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47When I'm with my friends, I don't think I've ever said,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"I feel a bit bloated."
0:02:51 > 0:02:55But I have said, "Sorry, I've just done a bloody big fart."
0:02:55 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:03:01It's hard to escape adverts on the internet, though. They're everywhere.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02What's this cookie thing?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I don't think I could be any more accepting of cookies,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07but the deliveries never come.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Some adverts stay with you for years.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Impulse - remember that?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Men DO act on impulse, but it's not always a good thing.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22A carrier bag full of Peperami - that's a man acting on impulse.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Advert jingles take up space in your head that could be used for more important stuff.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32You still can't remember your nan's birthday, but for 30 years
0:03:32 > 0:03:35you've kept # Ho-ho-ho, Green Giant! # in there.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Is that all that'll be left at the end?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49What's your name?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Maybe it's Maybelline.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54LAUGHTER
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Adverts get a bit special at Christmas, don't they?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02The John Lewis one has a bloody premiere.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05In last year's, a snowman bought gloves for his wife,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07as she was cold.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13He killed his last wife, when he bought her a hot-water bottle.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Do you remember public safety adverts?
0:04:19 > 0:04:24Remember The Tufty Club? It had a squirrel helping you across the road.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I'd take that from a squirrel,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28cos I've never seen one squashed in the road(!)
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I wouldn't take it from a badger or a pheasant, though.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"Look left, look right and walk slowly across a really busy road.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"And if a car comes, stop in the middle of the road
0:04:40 > 0:04:43"and look at the car till everything goes black.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"Good luck, out there!"
0:04:46 > 0:04:51The only place you see advertising on the BBC is on Formula 1.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53It's always big brands on the cars, isn't it?
0:04:53 > 0:04:57You never see offers for two-for-one on pork steaks.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Or ladies free before 11 o'clock.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Formula 1 is not so much a sport,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06it's more of a sound effect, isn't it?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Obviously not as good as this one...
0:05:08 > 0:05:09SHE MIMICS A COMICAL HORN
0:05:19 > 0:05:21SHE MIMICS A COMICAL HORN
0:05:24 > 0:05:28The cars are incredible, though. Some of them can reach over 100mph
0:05:28 > 0:05:30before I've even GOT to the remote.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38It's very loud as well, isn't it?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Must be really hard to hear the sat-nav.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44"Round again.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46"Round again.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49"Last one."
0:05:52 > 0:05:55It must be difficult driving round the Monaco street circuit.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I'd just get distracted... "Oh, Bonmarche have got a sale on."
0:06:00 > 0:06:04I do know how traffic lights work. If it stays on red too long,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I end up looking for something to eat in me handbag.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10The someone beeps at me and that's how I know it's gone green.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16I think the reason there are no female Formula 1 drivers
0:06:16 > 0:06:18is that when they screeched into the pits,
0:06:18 > 0:06:22the mechanics wouldn't be able to stop themselves overcharging.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25"Yeah, your tyres are all right there, love, but, er,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27"that gearbox doesn't sound too good.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31"I'll have a look, if you've got half an hour spare."
0:06:31 > 0:06:35They drive at around 200mph.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Try steering at that speed with your legs, while opening a sandwich,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40and balancing your Monster Munch in-between your knees.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45If that was Formula 1, I'd be Sebastian Vettel.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:50APPLAUSE
0:06:54 > 0:06:58It is a male-dominated sport, but one woman who has managed
0:06:58 > 0:07:02to get herself involved is the presenter of Formula 1 on the BBC.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Please welcome Suzi Perry.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Welcome. Thank you very much.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Welcome to the show. Thanks ever so much for coming on. Nice to be here.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24Now, given the many regulations, weight changes and enhancement of the McLaren power package,
0:07:24 > 0:07:31why does Jenson Button look like such a knob on the Santander adverts?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:40 > 0:07:43He's very handsome. It's hard to make him look like a knob. Done a good job, haven't they?
0:07:43 > 0:07:47They have managed, though, haven't they? Bless him for trying.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50If Max Mosley invited you to a party, what would you go as?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I'm actually thinking of that. What would you go as?
0:08:03 > 0:08:08Cat's ears, PVC, a lead, leash.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09A normal Tuesday outfit.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Do you get to drive the...?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17When they've stopped, do you get to have a little go?
0:08:17 > 0:08:21No, sadly not. Would you like to? I'd love to. Would you like to?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25How fast can I go? Can I go...? Sometimes I do, like, 72.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30They don't have a middle lane on a track.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Oh, really? Well, where am I supposed to go?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:38I mean, it's all very well doing what they do in a flashy car,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41but could they do that in, like, a Nissan Micra, do you think,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44you know, with their family in the back seat?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49They can drive anything. Like a bus?
0:08:50 > 0:08:55That's a really good idea. Let's have a bus driving championship.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57That'd be amazing. You'd be more into that.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I would. Can I sit above the driver, cos that's the best seat,
0:09:00 > 0:09:04cos you can pretend you're driving? When you say above the driver...?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Not like... So he can see, at least, while he's driving? Not...? No!
0:09:08 > 0:09:13I don't mean you sit on the driver's face.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:26He'd be driving, doing that erratic thing
0:09:26 > 0:09:29that men do when they get excited driving. They keep braking.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Apparently.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:36That's... That's never happened to me.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42It's happened to you? You've seen that, have you?
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I've...heard about that, yeah.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49You dirty bitch.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Formula 1, I've heard the drivers wee in the car.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Do they just do it on the seats? Cos I've done that?
0:10:08 > 0:10:09I really have.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15So they don't ever do it in the car? I'm not saying they don't ever.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16They might do it in the car.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Do they just let it go? I think they just do it in their suits.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Has it got elastic on the ankles?
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Otherwise, you'll have to change that little bit of carpet.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32You always hear the conversations between the pit and the drivers.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Are they allowed personal calls, as well?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Like, "Hello, love. Sorry, I can't pop to Asda. I'm busy."
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I think they would like it if you called in.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Oh, really, do you think? About lap 35,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46maybe text a picture of yourself.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50LAUGHTER
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I have usually got a few of those just in me roll of photos.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Just spare ones. I've always got a couple of spare.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02The thing is, if you've already taken photos in advance,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04it could have been when it was tidy, you know.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:09 > 0:11:13If somebody says, "Oh, send us a picture of your..."
0:11:13 > 0:11:14What, of downstairs?
0:11:14 > 0:11:19Yeah, and then... I thought that's what you were talking about.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:25 > 0:11:27What if you lose the phone?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30They're not going to recognise us off that.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34I hope not.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Is it as noisy as it seems?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40More. It's more noisy? It's very noisy.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44You can't go to a Formula 1 race without having ear defenders on
0:11:44 > 0:11:46or... Really?
0:11:46 > 0:11:51Sometimes when you've got those on, you forget other people can hear you.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Do you do that? I've done that on a plane when I've had those on
0:11:56 > 0:11:59and then I've just been merrily farting away,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02because I couldn't hear it.
0:12:02 > 0:12:08I spent quite a lot of time on a plane and always seem to sit behind
0:12:08 > 0:12:10people, maybe they're like you, that seem to fart away
0:12:10 > 0:12:14and I think, "You dirty bastard!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18"How can you do that?!"
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Practise, practise, practise!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30You've been such an amazing guest. Thank you very much
0:12:30 > 0:12:33for coming on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Suzi Perry.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Another one of my favourite shows is MasterChef.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46It's like X Factor for dinners.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I just like to watch the early auditions,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51cos that's when you see the nutters.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"Beef and ice-cream.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56"I'm not allowed to use knives, normally."
0:12:58 > 0:13:01"This rose is for you, John Torode."
0:13:02 > 0:13:04They always say a glug of olive oil, don't they?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08A glug. What happened to teaspoons?
0:13:08 > 0:13:09A glug.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, but I take a swig
0:13:12 > 0:13:13and then spit it in the pan.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Not always. Sometimes I just swallow.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:33The chefs practise each dish a million times.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Their families must get SO pissed off.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39"We've had salmon tureen with rosewater biscuits
0:13:39 > 0:13:42"25 times this week.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43"I just want a bloody pasty."
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Gregg often leans over the chefs and says, "You haven't got long left."
0:13:49 > 0:13:52You wouldn't want to see Gregg Wallace in a hospital, would you?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I like watching Secret Eaters.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59If you haven't seen it, it goes a little like this.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03A woman says, "I just don't understand.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07"I shouldn't be this fat for the amount I eat."
0:14:07 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Then they film her eating six big dinners in a day,
0:14:12 > 0:14:16show it to her, and she goes, "Oh."
0:14:26 > 0:14:29That's it. It's brilliant. At some point, she always says,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32"I've tried everything." Yeah, that's the problem, love.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37If I had a diet programme, it would be called,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39A Big Shit And A Haircut.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47But my favourite food programme is not one you'd expect.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50It's The One Show, because I can't eat my tea without it.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53There are two types of people -
0:14:53 > 0:14:57people who watch The One Show and those who have a kitchen table.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I've been on The One Show and it was probably the only time
0:15:02 > 0:15:04when my parents have been truly proud,
0:15:04 > 0:15:08because it was a show they were already watching.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"Mock The what?"
0:15:12 > 0:15:13"8 Out Of 10 what?"
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"The Sarah what Television Programme?"
0:15:25 > 0:15:27The One Show follows on from local news.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31I don't like how they say, "And now for the news where you are."
0:15:31 > 0:15:33What, in the bath?
0:15:36 > 0:15:41It's on at the perfect time, so that you don't have to listen to how your partner's day was.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44"God, what a day I've had."
0:15:44 > 0:15:48"Shut up. I'm trying to listen to Gyles Brandreth on the history of candy floss."
0:15:48 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER
0:15:50 > 0:15:53It should be called It's This Or Emmerdale.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02It's the only show where you can get comments on jam from Chris Akabusi and the Dalai Lama.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08It's like a crazy dinner party, where only a couple of people know one another
0:16:08 > 0:16:10and have to make small talk.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12"So, Lionel Ritchie...
0:16:14 > 0:16:17"..have you ever been to the Barnstable Lawnmower Museum?"
0:16:17 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:25Having presented the show myself, it's not natural how close they expect you to sit on the sofa.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Before I did the show, I'd only got that close to someone if I fancied them
0:16:29 > 0:16:30or was freezing to death.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34They told me, "Pretend you're on your sofa at home."
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I said, "Oh, no, you don't want me to do that."
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Alex interviewed The Rolling Stones recently, but, apparently,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Keith Richard doesn't really have an opinion
0:16:51 > 0:16:53on the rebirth of traditional boat-building in Dorset.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Alex did her final university exams in Magaluf.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03What kind of questions did she have?
0:17:03 > 0:17:08"If WKD is three euros a bottle and Sol is ten bottles for 20,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"will you know who the father is?"
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Anyone feeling hungry?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25It must be time to see the hosts of The One Show on the big screen.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Please welcome Matt Baker and Alex Jones.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Hello, Matt, hello, Alex. How are you two?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Very well, Sarah. How are you? I'm good, I'm good. Thanks very much
0:17:45 > 0:17:48for joining us on the show. It's lovely. Let me ask you a question.
0:17:48 > 0:17:54How do you keep a straight face when people send in their rubbish pictures of stuff that they've made?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Because a lot of it's properly shit, isn't it?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Well, I mean, to be honest with you, what you see is the best.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07It's amazing, isn't it, because whatever we ask for, they come in in their hundreds?
0:18:07 > 0:18:13We genuinely think no-one is ever going to send in a picture about X, Y, or Z.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Well, we've never ever done a call-out,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18where nobody's sent a photo.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22That's what we should try and do. Challenge them, from now on.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Like a picture of a cock made out of pasta shapes.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28We'd so get some.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31That's just off the top of my head. I could come up with loads of these.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Anyway, this doesn't feel right talking to you like this. Hold on a second.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Brilliant. That's much better.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57No, seriously, though, Sarah, I know exactly how you feel,
0:18:57 > 0:19:02because, to be honest with you, I cannot go on air without having had my evening meal.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04He doesn't work without some food in him first.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Aw, that's so good to know...
0:19:09 > 0:19:13..because I worry that if you waited till after the show,
0:19:13 > 0:19:14you'd be bloody starving.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20There's always a half-eaten banana behind here, as well.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER
0:19:21 > 0:19:24If energy levels start to drop throughout the show,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27we can just have a quick nibble, put it back and then go out for the film.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31We've also got... Look, we've also got a cat with a coconut on its head.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Is that just in case energy levels are low, as well?
0:19:36 > 0:19:37LAUGHTER
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Yeah.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42You guys are such divas with your demands.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Why is the show usually half an hour, but it's a full 60 minutes on a Wednesday?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Is Wednesday a really heavy news day for pointless shit?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54LAUGHTER
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Hey, listen, we'd sit down here and talk for as long as people want us to.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11We don't really know what's going out on telly.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14We just sit here and chat. It could come to us at any point.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Do you do an hour every night, but they just choose to cut it off?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Exactly.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23How much time did you spend perfecting your
0:20:23 > 0:20:27"I'm really interested in what we're talking about" face?
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Like, cos I'm not very good... I'll show you mine.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33I'll show you like this.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37LAUGHTER
0:20:43 > 0:20:48Matt, why don't you do a link to Alex and we'll watch Alex do an interested face?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Let's see one, OK?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Just any... Just a general... Ready?
0:20:53 > 0:21:00Um... Right. With the Olympics still in our memories,
0:21:00 > 0:21:04we've been trying to find out the identity of Britain's oldest pole vaulter.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Now, lots of you have sent in claims.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Phil Tufnell grabbed his pole and went to see.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12LAUGHTER
0:21:19 > 0:21:23So... One of the things I do love about you, Matt,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25is that you're really symmetrical.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Am I?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29What do you mean by that? What do you mean?
0:21:29 > 0:21:33You just are. You're just really symmetrical. Like, your face is really symmetrical.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38And symmetrical is good, because the more symmetrical, the more attractive, apparently.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40In that case, you're symmetrical, as well, Alex.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Tell your amazing fact.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48Alex tells me this every other day, about who you're attracted to.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Oh, so you're attracted to somebody that reminds you of your mother.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Not if you're a girl, cos then it would be your father,
0:21:53 > 0:21:57but if you're a boy, somebody who is similar to your mother.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01We have this every other day. Is your boyfriend similar to your father?
0:22:01 > 0:22:06Um, in personality or like...sexiness?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Now I feel awkward.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Cos it's a yes to both!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Speaking of facts, have you found that your general knowledge
0:22:26 > 0:22:28has improved since doing the show?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Are you good at pub quizzes now?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Well, that's the reason, really, I'd like to stay for
0:22:33 > 0:22:36as long as possible, because I can see a win in the distance.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I haven't gathered quite enough info yet.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41You're getting there?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45For me, though, facts, it, sort of, goes in
0:22:45 > 0:22:49and I have this short-term memory and it all then dissolves.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53By the next day, I don't even know who I am, half the time.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57If you were in a pub quiz team, you would be the one doing the writing?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Oh, he's got lovely writing, for a boy.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Lovely writing for a boy?!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Matt has lovely straight, up and down, big.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21We might just cut out the bit where you said you were talking about his handwriting.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Matt, you used to live on a sheep farm.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28How much do you really love animals?
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Oh, I do, yeah, a lot. They're a big part of my life.
0:23:32 > 0:23:38Aww. Honestly, it's often the best way...the best company are animals.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46They answer you back, man! Ha'way! Come on!
0:23:46 > 0:23:51We made you say, "Ha'way". That's excellent.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Is sheep dip as delicious as it sounds?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02If there was only ONE show - see what I did there?! -
0:24:02 > 0:24:06if there was only ONE show on telly, which would you like it to be?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Oh, this one, otherwise we wouldn't have a job, would we?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Oh, yeah!
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Countryfile comes a close second. Of course - Countryfile!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Of course, Countryfile!
0:24:24 > 0:24:29Matt, you were part of a 1970s revival band called Disco Inferno.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Yep, yep.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Your character was called Butch Bender.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Butch Bender?!!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Hang on, you need it in context. Can you remember the names of
0:24:48 > 0:24:50the other people in the band? Yeah.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Randy Todger.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Richard Itchin.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Oh. Richard Itchin? Any others? What's short for Richard?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Don't say it?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09What a lovely moment!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Who was the second-worst guest you've ever had on the show?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17LAUGHTER Second-worst? Well, yeah.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I didn't think we were going to mention Bruce Willis.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:25I think... Oh, there's been so many.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26LAUGHTER
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Alan Titch... No, we're joking. He was lovely.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Who did we have on who'd just got back off the plane...
0:25:33 > 0:25:37from America? David Cassidy. David Cassidy. David Cassidy.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40That man is not welcome here again.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42LAUGHTER
0:25:42 > 0:25:47He'd just got off long flight, so he was completely off his face.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50He didn't know which country, programme,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52day it was. He was all over the shop.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56No, it's not very nice. They are few and far between, because most of our guests,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58honestly, Sarah, as you know, they are absolutely lovely.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03They play the game. You know, the British public love them, so we're onto a winner, really.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06It's just when the Americans come over. I'm joking!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Joke. It's just we're nutty.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15We've come up with this way of sort of seeing how much
0:26:15 > 0:26:18of a game for a laugh they are, at the beginning,
0:26:18 > 0:26:22because Matt and I will mime to the trumpets at the beginning of the show.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25It just happens, it's natural. And if our guests join in,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28it means they're game, they're up for it, so we know we'll have a good show.
0:26:28 > 0:26:35That's really quite judgey, isn't it? Is it almost foolproof? Does it work.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Oh, yeah. All the time. We had, to be fair, we had Alan Titchmarsh
0:26:39 > 0:26:43on tonight, but he didn't blow the trumpets, because he was repotting
0:26:43 > 0:26:45a hydrangea. Fair enough.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Of course he fuckin' was(!)
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Now, Matt, is there anything that you can't conjure up enthusiasm for?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Like, I bet you could make something really depressing,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00like the end of the world, for example, sound really cheery.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Do you want to give it a go? Yeah, you could.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Yeah, I'll give it a go. So, we're in the show, yeah?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Like, in the show and then you've got to drop that in.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11OK.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Alex, I mean, that was fascinating stuff there
0:27:16 > 0:27:18about the pelicans.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Amazing. Now, we've just had...just had some news in.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25The world is going to end in three minutes. Yes!
0:27:26 > 0:27:31I wonder what it's going to be like? There you are. Well, hang on.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34We've got three minutes, everyone.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37It's just going to give us enough time to show you how amazing...
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Look at this scale model of Didcot town centre. Made of cheese.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51It's been a total joy to have you on. Thank you very much for joining us.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Baker and Alex Jones.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Now, we all love a big shiny Saturday night entertainment show, don't we?
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor, Britain's Got Talent...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Basically, anything that involves a panel of judges
0:28:14 > 0:28:17telling someone they're not very good at something.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Judging is what we all do on a Saturday night, anyway, if we go out.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25"Look at that dress."
0:28:25 > 0:28:27"Those jeans on those thighs."
0:28:27 > 0:28:31"If that skirt was any shorter, you'd see wisps."
0:28:40 > 0:28:44These shows are about making staying in the same as going out.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46There's singing, there's tears,
0:28:46 > 0:28:48there's dancing and flirting.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51All you need is to get fingered in a car park and job done.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:29:02 > 0:29:07X Factor has now had 12 Christmas number ones and one Christmas number two.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09I manage more than that before EastEnders.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17My favourite bit is judges' houses, although I want it to be more like
0:29:17 > 0:29:21Come Dine With Me. Instead of all the crying and singing,
0:29:21 > 0:29:24they could have a root around Gary Barlow's bedside drawer,
0:29:24 > 0:29:27to see if he's got any pictures of me.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31God knows, I've sent him plenty.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39Tulisa said that being fired from X Factor left a nasty taste in her mouth.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42LAUGHTER
0:29:51 > 0:29:54And you can finish that one off for yourselves...
0:29:54 > 0:29:56which is also what she should have said.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03I'd be a great judge on The Voice, cos I used to work in an office
0:30:03 > 0:30:06and I'm a demon on spinny chairs.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10I could go whole days without getting out of it.
0:30:10 > 0:30:14Wheel meself to the printer, wheel meself to the kitchenette.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18If I was a judge on The Voice, I'd call myself Mill.i.can.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31The trouble with Tom Jones dropping names all the time
0:30:31 > 0:30:33is that, nowadays, he can't bend down to pick them up.
0:30:35 > 0:30:39A lot of people wonder why Tom Jones' face is dark. It's not fake tan.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Just remember that his female fans chuck their underwear at him.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45GROANING
0:30:45 > 0:30:47At least he's not red-faced.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50GROANING
0:30:52 > 0:30:56I enjoyed that show Splash!, but I think it would have been better
0:30:56 > 0:30:59if they'd kept the leisure centre open during filming.
0:31:00 > 0:31:05Eddie The Eagle bellyflopping into the middle of a mother and toddler
0:31:05 > 0:31:07aqua-aerobics session.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12Some goose-pimply 12-year-old tapping Vernon Kay on the shoulder
0:31:12 > 0:31:14to say he's lost his locker key.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17My favourite bit was the fact that you could press the red button
0:31:17 > 0:31:20to see the celebs go through the verruca pool.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27I love Britain's Got Talent, but Amanda Holden cries a lot, doesn't she?
0:31:27 > 0:31:31Does she do that thing with her hands to wave her tears back into her eyes?
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Crying's brilliant. Why try and stop it?
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Afterwards, I feel like I've achieved something,
0:31:38 > 0:31:41makes you feel good tired, you know, like after sex.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45And if you do both together, you feel properly rested.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47LAUGHTER
0:31:49 > 0:31:52There's now versions of this show all around the world -
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Australia's Got Talent, Armenia's Got Talent,
0:31:55 > 0:32:00Vietnam's Got Talent and, in Saudi Arabia, Men Have Got Talent.
0:32:02 > 0:32:07The last two years have proved that the most talented people in Britain are some Hungarians and a dog.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09LAUGHTER
0:32:17 > 0:32:19I'd like to know more about being a television judge,
0:32:19 > 0:32:22so please welcome, from Strictly Come Dancing, Bruno Tonioli.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:30 > 0:32:34So, Bruno, Come Dancing... Have you ever?
0:32:34 > 0:32:36LAUGHTER
0:32:36 > 0:32:38Have I ever?
0:32:38 > 0:32:41I was watching you backstage, but I could have, with pleasure.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43LAUGHTER
0:32:43 > 0:32:48What a lovely thing to say! She's so fabulously funny.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50You're so funny.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Do you think you are too hard sometimes?
0:32:53 > 0:32:54LAUGHTER
0:32:54 > 0:32:57I've never had complaints about being too hard, you know.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01Really? Usually they like it hard. I was talking about judging.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Oh, I'm sorry!
0:33:03 > 0:33:04LAUGHTER
0:33:06 > 0:33:09There aren't many famous Italians over here.
0:33:09 > 0:33:14I think there's just you, Frankie Dettori and Mama Dolmio.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19Mama Dolmio! And I'm pretty sure she was made in Holland.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Why is that? Why aren't there more Italians here?
0:33:22 > 0:33:27No, there's Gino. Gino D'Acampo, the chef, and...
0:33:27 > 0:33:35That's it. There's Gino... Sophia Loren, but she's about 78.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38She's still Italian, though. Still Italian, yeah.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42OK. You're in Dancing With The Stars in America.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46What's the difference between judging in America and judging here?
0:33:46 > 0:33:51It's funny, because in America, in America you can say "fanny", but you can't say "pussy".
0:33:51 > 0:33:56In Britain, you can say "pussy", but you can't say "fanny".
0:33:56 > 0:34:01That's the main difference, is it? That's it.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03LAUGHTER
0:34:07 > 0:34:09On Strictly, the last dance should be a slowie, shouldn't it?
0:34:09 > 0:34:12The old erection section.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14The erection section. The rumba is my favourite.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Is that the erection one? Because it's all about sex.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Basically, it's like having sex, you know.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21That's not how I do it.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25So what do you do when you're having sex? You don't rub against somebody else?
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Just lie there for a bit.
0:34:30 > 0:34:35You're waiting for it to happen. And then just put my nightie down.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37LAUGHTER
0:34:37 > 0:34:41You know, I've always wanted to be a Saturday telly judge.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43I've always wanted to be one. Will you help me, Bruno?
0:34:43 > 0:34:45I'd love to. Let's do it, let's do it.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Do you think we're going to find a star tonight?
0:35:00 > 0:35:06Oh, yes. We're going to find the biggest, brightest, most exciting star Britain has ever seen.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09I'm sure. Excellent. Right, who's next?
0:35:20 > 0:35:23What's your name, love? Sarah.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25It's been quite a journey for you, hasn't it?
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Yeah, it has. Two buses - and then it was a walk.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30LAUGHTER
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Sarah, do you think you can win this?
0:35:32 > 0:35:35I wouldn't have thought so, but you're the bloody judge.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40What are you going to do for us? I'm going to tell you a story.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43There'll be tears, but not necessarily in a good way.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47In your own time, pet.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:12 > 0:36:14CHEERING
0:36:23 > 0:36:25GASPING
0:36:35 > 0:36:37GASPING AND LAUGHTER
0:36:47 > 0:36:52That was the worst sexy geranium I've ever seen.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Dreadful. Oh, enough is enough.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58TREMBLING SPEECH: I'm sorry, but it's a no from us.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01You know nothing. I'm going to be huge!
0:37:01 > 0:37:03I'm going to have a number one record...
0:37:03 > 0:37:05of shadows.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07So a rabbit to you and a rabbit to you.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11Actually, not you. You look lovely today. Oh, thank you. That's so nice.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Actually...
0:37:15 > 0:37:17BOOING
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Thank you very much for being on the show.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25Ladies and gentlemen, Bruno Tonioli.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:33 > 0:37:36That's it for tonight. Unfortunately, we haven't had time
0:37:36 > 0:37:40to talk about those other singing shows that transform your life.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42If you win, you'll have no privacy.
0:37:42 > 0:37:46Unless you win The Voice. You'll have a fair bit of privacy, then.
0:37:47 > 0:37:52"Didn't you win The Voice?" "Yes. Now, do you want fries with that or not?"
0:37:55 > 0:37:58We haven't had time to talk about This Morning.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01They called it that so old people would know when it's on.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05The One Show completely confuses them.
0:38:05 > 0:38:09We haven't had time to talk about rugby, football or cricket.
0:38:09 > 0:38:10Good.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Or snooker. It's extremely boring.
0:38:15 > 0:38:19Though it does liven up slightly when there's a gentle kiss on the pink.
0:38:19 > 0:38:20Good night.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd