0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Christmas Television programme.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43CHEERING
0:00:47 > 0:00:50You know, at this time of year it gets to the point where there's
0:00:50 > 0:00:52so much good stuff on your TV planner,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55you become overwhelmed, don't you?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58You start getting up early, just to get through it all.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02"If we put in 12 hours every day, we should clear the lot by April."
0:01:04 > 0:01:06For me, Christmas is all about telly.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09If Jesus was born today, the three wise men would
0:01:09 > 0:01:13bring gold, frankincense and a 42 inch plasma with built-in Freeview.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Telly is a big thing for me over Christmas,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20but I always find it weird that the news is still on.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24How can there be news on Christmas Day? We're all in the house!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28If there is news, it should at least be appropriate.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Tonight's headlines - we're low on Rennies
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and the Vienetta is still rock hard.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Now, I don't normally enjoy the Queen's Speech,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48but this year I'm looking forward to it, because at some point she is
0:01:48 > 0:01:49going to have to say,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52"This year, one jumped out of a bloody helicopter!"
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Some shows simply can't do Christmas specials,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59because their content isn't appropriate.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03You couldn't have Christmas Embarrassing Bodies, could you?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06That wouldn't work. "It smells of eggnog and I don't know why!"
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Apparently, Ross Kemp is doing a festive edition of his show
0:02:15 > 0:02:18called Ross Kemp On Christmas,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20where he survives one of the hottest, oppressive,
0:02:20 > 0:02:24inhospitable places on Earth - his nan's house on Boxing Day!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28It's been a good year for telly.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Dallas came back on Channel 5...
0:02:29 > 0:02:31CHEERING
0:02:31 > 0:02:33..and we came over all nostalgic, didn't we?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Remember when people used to watch Channel 5?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39We had the Olympics.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42The Opening Ceremony which showed the world the best of British
0:02:42 > 0:02:44and the Closing Ceremony which showed them
0:02:44 > 0:02:47George Michael's new single.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51"What's this shit? Do Club Tropicana!"
0:02:52 > 0:02:55We saw Madness singing Our House on top of Buckingham Palace,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58which is very appropriate because we pay for the bloody thing!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05We got to see a lot of the Royal Family this year,
0:03:05 > 0:03:08including a bit too much of Prince Harry!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Though he did have his hand over the main bits!
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Newspapers - don't say naked when you mean nearly naked!
0:03:20 > 0:03:23For me, the TV show of the year has been Downton Abbey.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I like it because things are resolved very quickly.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"We're off to war. We're back. How was the war? Beastly!"
0:03:31 > 0:03:33"Shall we have a cup of tea?"
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Rumour has it, for Christmas Downton have brought out their own
0:03:39 > 0:03:44merchandise, including a pregnancy test that simply says, "Lady" or "Whore"!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52I think you should be able to buy Downton underwear - a big bra
0:03:52 > 0:03:56with "Upstairs" and bloomers with "Downstairs."
0:03:56 > 0:03:59And round the back, "Tradesmen, knock before entering!"
0:04:05 > 0:04:07You know what I really want for Christmas?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09To meet Lord Grantham
0:04:09 > 0:04:12and because I am on telly now, these things can actually happen.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14He's the star of Downton Abbey and 2012,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17so please welcome my guest, the brilliant Hugh Bonneville.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20CHEERING
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Hello, hello. Hello, hello.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36You're obviously starring in the big Downton Abbey Christmas special
0:04:36 > 0:04:39which we're all very excited about.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40What happens?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I can't tell you anything.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47All I can tell you is it's not set at Christmas. How about that?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50It's a bit different to last year and it's a bit of a rollercoaster,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52but all the episodes are rollercoaster and as you say,
0:04:52 > 0:04:53the story moves very quickly.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57It really does. You can't go for a wee, unless it's a break!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Have you ever acted like a lord at home?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Have you got any servants at home?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Do you get an urge for them because you can have them at work,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07have them at home?
0:05:07 > 0:05:11I don't think our cleaner would appreciate it very much if I tried!
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Your cleaner! Our cleaner!
0:05:14 > 0:05:15So you have!
0:05:15 > 0:05:19You've now put an image into my head that the lovely lady who does
0:05:19 > 0:05:22will never forgive me for. That's awful! Can we cut this bit out?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25I'm embarrassed now, really embarrassed.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28He's got at least one servant!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Does she live underneath you?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:41I love it when I'm accidentally rude. I didn't even mean that!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Yes, you did! Does she live in the cellar?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47We haven't got a cellar. She lives in the attic!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51That's a good answer. I like that.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I bet the Abbey itself, I bet it looks amazing at Christmas.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57We've got a photo of what it looks like normally, like that,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00beautiful and this is what it looks like at Christmas!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Tell me, what is Christmas like in your household?
0:06:13 > 0:06:18It's mainly me keeping out of the way, because I am a real klutz.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I mean, I break things, I get in the way,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I open presents before I'm meant to, that sort of thing.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27So you don't cook? No, that would be a big mistake. Your wife cooks?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28My wife is a brilliant cook.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31About once every two years, I announce to the universe that
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I am going to cook and I usually burn it and it's miserable
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and it ends up in a terrible row, so it's best if I keep away.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40I'm not even allowed near the bread sauce, nothing.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45But I'm quite good... What's bread sauce? Like ketchup? Yes!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Just when you say you burn things, I'm not a very good cook,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I burn things quite a lot, there's a new word for it these days
0:06:54 > 0:06:55- caramelised!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04The Americans love Downton, don't they? Mm-hmm.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Do you think they secretly want us to be in charge again?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Yeah, they're regretting 1776 big time. No, of course they don't.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13They love ruling the world, or pretending they do.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Thinking they do, bless them.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20I was going to say something really horrible, but I changed me mind.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Fat bastards!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28That wasn't even it! That wasn't even it.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I can't talk! I cannot talk.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I have got massive knickers on! I can't talk.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Do you pretend to be a lord to get upgraded on planes?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I think that would work. Have you tried it? No, it's never worked.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I absolutely don't...! You've tried it?
0:07:44 > 0:07:49You said it's never worked. Don't you know who I am?
0:07:49 > 0:07:50It certainly doesn't work.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54In fact, earlier in the year, I went to Washington DC to have dinner
0:07:54 > 0:07:57at the White House - me and Elizabeth McGovern went
0:07:57 > 0:07:59as representatives of Downton Abbey
0:07:59 > 0:08:03and did sort of flash my invitation at the Customs and was immediately
0:08:03 > 0:08:05hauled into a room for half an hour,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07so it has the opposite effect, actually.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Really? Was it quite scary?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11It was a bit, because I thought, "I want me dinner.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12"I don't want to go home again!"
0:08:12 > 0:08:14What did you have for your dinner?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19What was... Caramelised beef!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29You're also starring in Mr Stink which was written by David Walliams.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Was that based on his time swimming in the Thames? It could have been.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37It's a lovely children's book, he's written several now
0:08:37 > 0:08:40and this is the first one that's been adapted for television
0:08:40 > 0:08:43and it's very funny and very charming and will be on around now.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47We've actually got a photo of you as Mr Stink. Let's have a look at this.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50How did you cope with the scratchy phase of your beard,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53when it's coming in, because when I'm growing in...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Honestly, I could writhe it off.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Did it get scratchy? Very...
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Yes, there is an itchy phase, let's put it that way. Certainly is.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22And then it gets nice and soft and bouncy. Doesn't it just?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28You've played a right posho and a homeless bloke.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Which of these looks are you going for tonight?
0:09:40 > 0:09:44You were in Tomorrow Never Dies with Pierce Brosnan, the Bond film.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Yes. Are you gutted that you didn't get to be in any of the good ones
0:09:47 > 0:09:48with Timothy Dalton?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53You know, the ones with Timothy Dalton?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58You were also in Notting Hill. Yes. What was Julia Roberts like?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01She always seems lovely. Is she lovely?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Really lovely, she is good fun and we were all...I was certainly terrified
0:10:05 > 0:10:08of meeting her, because this great, iconic film star, but you know,
0:10:08 > 0:10:12you just remember they wear pants, some bigger than others, whatever!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Sorry, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I didn't mean...
0:10:22 > 0:10:26I only said that because you'd been referring to the size of your pants.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29We'll probably cut out the bit where I'm talking about me pants.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33And just have you saying, "Some bigger than others!"
0:10:36 > 0:10:39You've a sex symbol status now!
0:10:39 > 0:10:40HUGH SPLUTTERS
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Does that give you a bit of a swagger?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45No! I've got about as much of a sex symbol status as that little, erm,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49snowman there. I was pointing at the snowman.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Don't call me "That", Hugh! "That!"
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"She's got big knickers on and I'm calling her that!"
0:10:58 > 0:11:02So you're uncomfortable with the sex symbol status?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05You are a sex symbol! I'm not a sex symbol. Isn't he a sex symbol?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08AUDIENCE: Yes. See? Yes, yes, the over-80s said that! Yes.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Well, you got to take it where you can!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Thank you very much. Merry Christmas to Hugh Bonneville.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Ladies and gentlemen, give him a round of applause. Thank you.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23CHEERING
0:11:30 > 0:11:31One of my friends asked
0:11:31 > 0:11:34if I switched on the Christmas lights in South Shields
0:11:34 > 0:11:38where I'm from. It was only then I realised I hadn't been asked.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:11:42 > 0:11:46And while Joe McElderry's alive, it's never going to bloody happen.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Christmas is the only time where it's permissible to drink
0:11:51 > 0:11:52alcohol at breakfast,
0:11:52 > 0:11:56unless you're watching in Scotland, where it's Christmas every day.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Present buying can be hard work.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Everyone's got one of those friends who's a bit right-on
0:12:02 > 0:12:05and is highly likely to forward you an e-mail saying they've sent
0:12:05 > 0:12:07a goat to Africa for you.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10If that was me, I'd mess it up and someone would ring
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and say, "There's a goat in me living room."
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Ah, shit!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17That means there's an African village
0:12:17 > 0:12:19all gathering round a Kindle.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I bought my friend, Joan, a hamper last Christmas.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I've never had a hamper but I knew Joan would be like me
0:12:31 > 0:12:34and just start opening jars of things she's never heard of,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38sticking her finger, going, "What the hell is this? Bloody awful."
0:12:38 > 0:12:40There was a jar of quince jelly in there
0:12:40 > 0:12:44and it turns out Joan gets the words quince and quim mixed up.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50For those who don't know, your quim is your...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Your lady pocket, your spam folder!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Your nunny!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00So when she saw a jar of quince jelly, she said,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02"Is it made of one?"
0:13:02 > 0:13:06"Or have I got to spread it on mine?"
0:13:09 > 0:13:13The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Cos the kids all want them for their toys.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Sorry!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Sorry, but if Christmas is coming, then so am I, flower.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33One thing I miss about working in an office is the Christmas party.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I am self-employed. I didn't get to go to a Christmas party this year.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39So I had to amuse meself.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I mean, I still photocopied me arse, I just had to go to the library.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49But let's remember the true meaning of Christmas. Telly!
0:13:49 > 0:13:53And the soaps have had another good year. Continuity announcers
0:13:53 > 0:13:55often flag trouble to come by saying,
0:13:55 > 0:13:59"This Christmas Day, Coronation Street is Devastation Street."
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I want to see the Boxing Day episode where they say,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05"Nothing has moved in Weatherfield. It's Constipation Street."
0:14:07 > 0:14:09If you put Coronation Street into a sat nav,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12when you reach it, it just says, "Turn around quickly!"
0:14:14 > 0:14:18You'll end up shagging your sister, and working in a knicker factory!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Deirdre Barlow has been in Coronation Street
0:14:21 > 0:14:25so long, her glasses have come back into fashion twice!
0:14:25 > 0:14:26No, they really haven't.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36These are what I wore when I was 16.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45I don't do many impressions, but that one is pretty good, isn't it?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55At this time of year, everything is coming to a head in the soaps.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56In the Christmas EastEnders,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00an old character always returns unexpectedly on Christmas Day.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"I've come back." How? How have you come back?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06There are no buses, no trains.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09It's snowing and the roads are shut.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I want to learn more about the Christmas soaps
0:15:12 > 0:15:17so please welcome Christmas star of the East...Enders, Shane Richie!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Hello, Shane. Hello, darling.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Thanks so much for joining us. Absolute pleasure.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34You're such a good actor and it's such a good character you developed,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37but what I really want to know is, how on earth do you concentrate
0:15:37 > 0:15:40with Kat's tits in your face the whole time?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Oh, don't!
0:15:48 > 0:15:54Are you...listen, Sarah, how close are you to the camera? How close?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I'm close to you. See if you can get close. Because I want to...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Come here. Come and get close to me and see if we can kiss on screen.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Can we make it work?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03AUDIENCE: Woow!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Did it work? Did it work?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Well, I had me tongue out and your mouth wasn't open, so...!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Don't think you're very good kisser!
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Shane, it's Christmas, the happiest time of the year.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Who's going to die in EastEnders?
0:16:28 > 0:16:34You know, Sarah, sadly someone will die, round about Christmas time.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37If you told us who dies, would you get sacked?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Oh, darling, I would get into so much trouble,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42because while I am talking to you right now, at the side I have
0:16:42 > 0:16:46got a whole team of people, looking at me, just waving contracts.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50You know, seriously, thinking about it, though, Sarah,
0:16:50 > 0:16:54the normal progression of yourself doing stand-up comedy and back in
0:16:54 > 0:16:56the day I've done stand-up, I'm sure it's only a matter
0:16:56 > 0:16:59of time till you do a gameshow and then the next progression
0:16:59 > 0:17:02is to do either a sitcom or some comedy drama and then you're
0:17:02 > 0:17:07going to find yourself either doing Emmerdale, Corrie or EastEnders!
0:17:07 > 0:17:10So if you had to choose out the three, want you to be honest,
0:17:10 > 0:17:11which one would it be?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15I can't really do any of the accents though, that's the problem.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17If I did EastEnders, could you teach me?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19If I teach you to speak like a Londoner.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22We'll do a practice line now. I'll teach you to speak like a Cockney.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Let's do a line now.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27OK, this is what we're going to do. I want you to imagine the scene.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31You're going to be Alfie's long lost lover, all right? Awesome!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Let's find a name for you. Let's call you...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36What sort of name do you want?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Choose a name. What name would you like?
0:17:38 > 0:17:43Can I be slightly slaggy? Slightly slaggy?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Shall I call you Slightly Slaggy, then?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Right, so, just picture the scene!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56You're going to be a big, old trollop, right,
0:17:56 > 0:18:00but what we're going to do, but if people imagine the scene,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02we're going to give you a bit of a London accent.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Picture the scene. Everybody at home.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07There's this new character. Let's call you Tracey.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08There's a couple of girls
0:18:08 > 0:18:11really offended in the audience called Tracey!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"Oh, that's the name of a slag, is it?"
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Picture the scene.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22You're Tracey. You're upstairs in the Queen Vic.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25We've just been caught in bed by Kat. OK?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29You're going to have to work on your London accent.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I'm going to turn round and say something like,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33"Tracey, how are we going to get out of this one, sweetheart"
0:18:33 > 0:18:35and you're going to say, "Never mind, Alfie.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38"Get that thing out of my body and here's your chocolates back."
0:18:42 > 0:18:46And then there's going to be a big doof-doof at the end, all right?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Are you ready? Yeah.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53OK, picture the scene, right? It's night time in the Queen Vic.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58The camera pans round and takes us upstairs into the bar where
0:18:58 > 0:19:06we see Kat outside the door, listening to Alfie and Tracey at it.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Not there, not there, get it out, not there!
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Is this all right? Is this...?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21We'll leave it there, OK?
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Oooh, ooh!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Let me just tick that fantasy off, hold on!
0:19:28 > 0:19:35Right, now, so now, Kat comes through the door and goes,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"What's going on here?"
0:19:37 > 0:19:41I say, "Kat, this is not what it looks like, darling." Go!
0:19:41 > 0:19:45TERRIBLE COCKNEY ACCENT: Never mind, Alfie. Get your cock out
0:19:45 > 0:19:46and here's your chocolates back!
0:19:46 > 0:19:49EASTENDERS DRUM ROLL
0:19:56 > 0:19:58There's our new Christmas episode.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05One of my favourite shows of yours is Don't Forget The Lyrics.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You do a lot of singing in that.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09You've done a lot of singing in your whole life.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Have you ever forgotten the lyrics? Yeah.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16The one that springs to mind... I spent a long time in a musical,
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Grease in the West End and also in Manchester back in the '90s.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22And I had done the show so many times,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25two shows a day for like, three and a half years
0:20:25 > 0:20:30and the big song in the show is Sandy and I remember just sitting in front
0:20:30 > 0:20:34of 3,000 people and the band started playing and it was going,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36# Stranded at the drive-in
0:20:36 > 0:20:40# Branded a fool
0:20:40 > 0:20:42# What will they say
0:20:42 > 0:20:45# Monday at school. #
0:20:45 > 0:20:47And all I could think of was,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49what the fuck is this girl's name?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57And it just went...
0:20:57 > 0:20:59HE MUMBLES
0:20:59 > 0:21:04# Can't you see I'm in misery
0:21:04 > 0:21:09# Made a start now we're apart
0:21:09 > 0:21:11# There's nothing left for me... #
0:21:11 > 0:21:13What is her...?
0:21:13 > 0:21:17# Love has flown all alone
0:21:17 > 0:21:21# I sit I wonder why-y-y
0:21:21 > 0:21:24# Oh, why she left me... #
0:21:24 > 0:21:28HE MUMBLES
0:21:35 > 0:21:38The charity single you did for Children In Need way back when,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I take it we raised enough to make you stop singing.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Are your whites still whiter than white?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03You know, there's certain things that come back to haunt you, isn't there?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06But seriously, the amount of money they paid me
0:22:06 > 0:22:09to do that, I'd have sniffed that shit, never mind wash with it!
0:22:12 > 0:22:17FAUX COCKNEY ACCENT: Thanks so much for coming on the show, Shane.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Merry Christmas. Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Richie!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Merry Christmas, darling.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Coming in for a kiss!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I am genuinely quite hot right now!
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Some people think Christmas is more special if you have kids,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48but for me, the wonder of Christmas
0:22:48 > 0:22:50is watching old men sleep sitting up.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Oh, look at him. Oh, he's nodded off. His eyes are open.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Nana, have you checked him?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01My nana used to pickle her own onions for Christmas.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Sounds like a lot of faff to me.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06The best bit was, she pickled normal sized onions.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10There was only ever two in a jar.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Cooking is very stressful at Christmas.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18A big, pink, wet, shiny thing just sitting in the sink.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Get out of there, Nana, we've got to defrost the turkey.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Just sitting there with her giblets on show.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Christmas is a time for families,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31so let's bring on an expert on my family.
0:23:31 > 0:23:36Second choice, Mam wasn't available, please welcome my dad, Philip.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Hiya, Dad. Can you see me? Certainly can.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I didn't know you were going to dress up for the occasion.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Who says I'm dressed up?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Tell us, what are you looking forward to watching on telly
0:24:00 > 0:24:04over Christmas? Do you like Downton? Yes, definitely watch Downton.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Why do you like Downton so much?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09It's a bit of history, it shows you how Christmasses used to
0:24:09 > 0:24:13be before we had telly, Facebook and Twitter and all that rubbish.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18You're not on Facebook or Twitter though, are you? No.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21No, but you read all mine, don't you?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I've got no anecdotes any more, because I go, you never guess what I
0:24:24 > 0:24:28did the other day and he just tells us what I did the other day.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31You tell all the world, so you might as well tell your dad.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Actually, you saying that is a nice thing. That felt a little bit
0:24:35 > 0:24:36like a dig!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Obviously, I was always on Santa's nice list, but can you
0:24:43 > 0:24:47remember what happened the year that Santa couldn't get what I wanted?
0:24:47 > 0:24:52That was the Cabbage Patch phenomenon. Phenomenon.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56You wanted a Cabbage Patch doll. Yes.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01People were flying over to America on Concorde to get them.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05People were flying on Concorde, just for a Cabbage Patch Kid?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09That's right. Santa brought you a letter telling you that you had to
0:25:09 > 0:25:13take your dad to Fenwick's toy department
0:25:13 > 0:25:15and pick any doll you liked.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19And you picked the most expensive!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Not stupid!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Obviously, everyone is different, but in our house,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27how do we know when Santa's been?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29The lounge door is shut.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Because it's never shut normally, is it? Always open.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38And when it's shut, it means he's been, doesn't it? That's right.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41And me granda used to come every year,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43but before Christmas he always said to us,
0:25:43 > 0:25:46don't buy any presents for me, don't spend your money on me, spend your
0:25:46 > 0:25:49money on yourself and then you'd go and get him and as he walked
0:25:49 > 0:25:52in the lounge, the door had been shut, what did he say every year?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Which pile is mine?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58It's a good job we paid no attention to him whatsoever.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Thank you very much, Dad. I'll see you on Christmas Day
0:26:01 > 0:26:05and remember I still want a Cabbage Patch doll? OK? Righto!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Ladies and gentlemen, my dad Philip.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:16 > 0:26:19So that's it for my Christmas special. Unfortunately, we didn't
0:26:19 > 0:26:22have time to talk...oh, that reminds me. Mince pies for Santa.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Better put them out now.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28They look fancy, don't they? I made them meself. Shut up, I did.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33With a little bit of help from Mr Marks and Mr Spencer.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36SLEIGH BELLS
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Oh, shit!
0:26:39 > 0:26:41BANG AND THUD
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Ho ho ho ho!
0:26:43 > 0:26:47SANTA HO HO HOS
0:26:49 > 0:26:52God! You don't have to do this on Downton Abbey, you know!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:58 > 0:27:03Normally get the servants to do it for me. Anyway, oh-ho, mince pies!
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Shall I have a mince pie before I empty my sack?
0:27:07 > 0:27:08BAWDY LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:10No, presents first.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12What have we got here?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14One for Dad,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17one for Mum...what's this?
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Sarah's Kindle!
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Now, what happened to my mince pies?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30MASSIVE BURP
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Oh, oh!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45What are you looking at, fatty?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Sorry, Santa, I have got to go and finish me show.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04I totally forgot that he's got to go back up as well!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08That really is all for tonight.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Unfortunately we didn't have time to talk about the Christmas
0:28:14 > 0:28:18cooking shows, like Jamie's Festive 15 Minute Meals
0:28:18 > 0:28:22followed by Jamie's 60 Minute Boxing Day Dump.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28The Christmas episode of To Buy Or Not To Buy, which is just men
0:28:28 > 0:28:30standing around in Ann Summers.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33And the answer is Not To Buy.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39The festive Holby, which features a large woman
0:28:39 > 0:28:41trapped in a sexy Santa outfit
0:28:41 > 0:28:44and a bloke with a parsnip up his arse.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Or as it's called in A - an arsnip!
0:28:54 > 0:28:57And we haven't had time to talk about the Christmas edition
0:28:57 > 0:28:58of I'm A Celebrity.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Two contestants kissing underneath the camel toe.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Good night and Merry Christmas!