0:00:16 > 0:00:20APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Christmas Television Programme.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Merry Christmas, everyone.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52People always talk about the good old days of TV at Christmas,
0:00:52 > 0:00:53don't they?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55"Oh, it was so much better then.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59"25 million people sat down to watch the same programme."
0:00:59 > 0:01:01That's because they had no choice.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04It's like saying the Blitz was popular.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09In the days of one TV, your mam could stop you watching
0:01:09 > 0:01:11too much telly on Christmas day, couldn't she?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Now you can disappear into the toilet for half an hour
0:01:14 > 0:01:15with your iPhone.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18"Are you watching telly in there?"
0:01:18 > 0:01:21"No, Ma, just had too many boiled eggs this morning."
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I like to think by inserting sweets with particular shows,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28it's a bit like finding the right wine for the right meat, you know?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31For Strictly, I like Quality Street cos then
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I can make my own outfit out of the wrappers.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36That justifies both tins.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43For News at Ten, I have After Eights.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45And for EastEnders,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I like Jelly Babies because someone must die!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53When babies are born on December 25th,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56they are often given names like Noel and Holly.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I'd call mine Rennie.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05They still have The Snowman on every year.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I worry, though, cos it first came out in 1980.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Given what other celebrities were doing back then,
0:02:10 > 0:02:11you half expect to see the boy
0:02:11 > 0:02:14with a snowy handprint on his pyjama bottoms.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27As tribute to The Voice, when carol singers come to my house,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I turn my back on them.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I think the ultimate Christmas special would be Dr Who
0:02:34 > 0:02:35turns up in Downton Abbey
0:02:35 > 0:02:39and teaches Mrs Patmore how to do perfect roast potatoes.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Then flies, with the Snowman,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43to Albert Square where he rescues the Queen from a fire.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47And puts the whole story in a Kirstie Allsopp snow globe.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Setting fire to the Christmas pudding is a tradition.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Something your dad always wants to do.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04And if it doesn't light straight away, he says,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"I know what'll help this." And comes back with a jerry can.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10"I know what I'm doing.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12"I did this last year in the OLD house."
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I don't have any grandparents any more.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20It's a shame you can't get a rescue one, isn't it?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25There should be, like, a Battersea Dogs Home for nans.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Their motto could be, "Grandmas aren't for life,
0:03:29 > 0:03:30"they're just for Christmas.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"And possibly birthdays.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36"This is Ethel. She sometimes snaps.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40"Not good with children.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42"Barks at the telly.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43"Partially house-trained.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"Used to be one of a pair."
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51With a lot of people living overseas now, it's quite common
0:03:51 > 0:03:54for the family to watch their young relatives open presents on a webcam.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59There's nothing like seeing their little faces light up, then go dark,
0:03:59 > 0:04:03then freeze, then wobble a bit, then turn it off.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06If they really loved me, they'd be here.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10But, for me, Christmas is all about watching telly.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13And you know what's changed the way we do that? Sky+.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Although my mam still refuses to pause live TV.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20She thinks she'll be behind everyone for ever.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Like, she'll be forced to live in the past.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Once upon a time, there wasn't enough good telly.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Now there's too much.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I've never seen my boyfriend look more worried
0:04:30 > 0:04:33than when the planner says we've got 3% left.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I'm a bit uncomfortable, actually.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40What is that?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45I love Phillip Schofield.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49They say for men's hair, it's good to have a bit of salt and pepper.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Phillip Schofield is all salt.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I don't mind a high sodium diet.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I'm not the only one. Everyone has a crush on someone on TV.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00A psychologist told me
0:05:00 > 0:05:03that it's often a person who reminds you of your dad.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06At least that's what I put my attraction to Samuel L Jackson down to.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10The giveaway that boys have a crush on someone on TV
0:05:10 > 0:05:12is when they put a cushion on their lap.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19My boyfriend did it during Springwatch once.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I thought, "Aha! That's for Michaela Strachan,"
0:05:23 > 0:05:26because I don't know if I can compete with a stoat.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Gordon Ramsay's an attractive bloke but he's always frowning, isn't he?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36You'd worry that his sex face was the same as the one he pulls
0:05:36 > 0:05:38when there's not enough seasoning in a risotto.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43A friend of mine fancies Phil Spencer
0:05:43 > 0:05:46and uses estate agent speak whenever we're watching him.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49"He could see a knickers reduction opportunity with me.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"He could slip me for a profit.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57"He could knock my hallway through any day."
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Yes, I love Christmas.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I bought a chocolate Advent calendar this year.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I came home from work the next day, my boyfriend looked really guilty.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I said, "What have you done?"
0:06:17 > 0:06:19He said, "I've just eaten a fortnight."
0:06:24 > 0:06:27You can tell what social class you're in by the kind of eggs
0:06:27 > 0:06:30you have on Christmas morning. Eggs Benedict - posh.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Poached eggs - trying to be posh.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35And if you're common as muck like me, Easter eggs.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Oh, this must be my present from the BBC.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh, I love opening a present.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I love opening presents. Let's do that.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Oh, it's Phillip Schofield!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Merry Christmas!
0:06:59 > 0:07:02SARAH GIGGLES
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- Hello.- Merry Christmas, darling. - Oh, don't do that!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I've loved you since I was 12.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Merry Christmas, and thank you so much for being on the show,
0:07:15 > 0:07:20lovely Phillip Schofield. This is a really big moment for me.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Cos we've never met, have we? Our paths have never crossed.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29No, and even now, we're separated by distance, which is unfair.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32This feels like this might be a legal thing, though.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I've got a question for you. Holly or fern?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41That's a tricky one. That's a very tricky one.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45We had such a brilliant time with Fern, that was marvellous,
0:07:45 > 0:07:46and we clicked.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48And I thought no-one could ever replace her,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52and then along came Holly, who is just such a delight to work with.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55And I love going into work every morning to see her.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I meant as a table decoration, but, OK.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:11 > 0:08:13You can compare two women if you want.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Now, you've done a lot of testicle examinations on This Morning.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Is there any chance an enthusiastic amateur could come and have a go?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- Yeah, definitely. You're on the list. - I've got warm hands.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37You're quite the Silver Fox, aren't you?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Do the curtains match the carpet, or...?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Do you have a bit of Just For Men down below?
0:08:45 > 0:08:50I'll answer you honestly, as decently as I can at Christmas.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52And that is, look at that,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54and look at those.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Oh, no. I'm quite warm.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER
0:09:07 > 0:09:08So am I.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12You once received some pubic hair in the post from a fan.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Yes!- Has that gone grey now, too?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Because it shouldn't because it isn't.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22So that WAS you?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I have actually written to you in the past.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33I wrote to you a number of times, when I was sort of 12, 13,
0:09:33 > 0:09:37when you were in the Broom Cupboard. Going Live! kind of era.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I sent a photograph of my bedroom once to you.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Cos it had pictures of you.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46And you sent it back and wrote on the back, "A true fan,"
0:09:46 > 0:09:47and then signed it.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49But the point is that you sent it back.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Do you know, bizarrely...
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- ..I have a vague recollection of that.- No, shut up!
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- Even if you're lying, that has made me very happy.- I never lie.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Mm-hm.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18This is my best Christmas present ever.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21What's the best Christmas present you've ever received?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24When I was really little, my mum and dad stayed up late
0:10:24 > 0:10:27in the weeks and weeks leading up to Christmas,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29and made me my own zoo, a handmade zoo.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32My dad was really very, very clever with his hands.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36He was a brilliant craftsmen. I wish I'd kept my zoo.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I'll make you a zoo.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42All the animals will have proper hair and everything.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51SARAH CHUCKLES
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Do you ever think about making the competition questions
0:10:57 > 0:10:59in This Morning a bit,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01A, harder,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03B, ridiculously easy,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05or C, Lionel Richie?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Definitely C.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16What do you do when a guest doesn't turn up,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18like, if somebody's stuck in traffic, or for whatever reason
0:11:18 > 0:11:22they don't arrive and you need a guest, what do you do then?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Well, after we've tried to contact you...- I was going to say,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I am normally really close, Phillip.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I've seen the smears up the studio window.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37It's in the lower ones as well.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44You asked for that.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Now, why don't you present This Morning on Fridays?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Can you just not be arsed?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55It was because Dancing On Ice, when we started doing Dancing On Ice,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58the rehearsal's on Saturday, did the show on the Sunday,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00and, so, I never saw the family.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04So it was because I got a day off for the family when they were younger.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07And then they grew up and I just kept the Fridays off.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Do you watch, like, on a Friday, or, like everyone else,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14do you just skip it cos it's just Eamonn and Ruth?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22They're lovely, but they're a bit sort of substitute teachers,
0:12:22 > 0:12:26aren't they? Just can't keep control.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28How often on Dancing On Ice do you think to yourself,
0:12:28 > 0:12:29"Oh, go on, drop her."
0:12:34 > 0:12:35It depends who it is.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Do you have a favourite moment from Dancing On Ice?
0:12:39 > 0:12:45We had Pamela Anderson, who was on, and she was a lovely lady,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47but a dreadful skater.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49She provided me with one of my most extraordinary moments.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53She did a huge lift, she was lifted by her partner,
0:12:53 > 0:12:57finished the routine, she turned around and skated towards me.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59And they were out.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09It looked like the airbag had gone off.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19- Now, I've got one more Christmas wish.- What's that?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21MAGICAL HARP MUSIC
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Yeah, you're in the Broom Cupboard!
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Ta-da!
0:13:32 > 0:13:33It's been a long time.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- Did you get my Christmas cards? - Yes, I did. Here we go.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42It's like being in the Broom Cupboard again.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Here we are, here's a lovely card. This one's from Sarah.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Yeah, they're all from me, love.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Oh, that's the special one, the one with the glitter.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53You see on the front, underneath the Merry Christmas?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55If you have a look at the front there...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57In the shape of a heart?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Yeah, I did a potato print of my vajazzle for you.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05It's a lovely shape.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13That's the compliment I mostly get!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21But there is still something missing. Hang on.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Perfect!
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- Is that the way you want me? - That's the way I want you.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36This is the best Christmas ever!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38APPLAUSE
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Thank you ever so much. Phillip Schofield!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50It's my pleasure.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- And Sarah?- Oh, yes?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Ha-ha! I'm coming in!
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- Mwah! Thank you.- Merry Christmas.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:09 > 0:15:11After all that excitement,
0:15:11 > 0:15:15I need to talk about something gentle like a Sunday night drama.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Why do we like soothing dramas on a Sunday night?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Because we want to be reminded of good times gone by,
0:15:21 > 0:15:22like Friday night.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Downton's a Sunday night favourite.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28In Downton times, a lot more people died of things they shouldn't have
0:15:28 > 0:15:32because they were too repressed to say what the problem was.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36They'd have to say, "I've got a problem with my finger." "Let me take a look."
0:15:36 > 0:15:39"It's, um, up my bum."
0:15:39 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:46"It's touching something knobbly."
0:15:46 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Then there was Mr Selfridge. He invented fitting rooms.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54What an arse.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00The lights are too bright. Though they are good for plucking your tache, especially in Marksies.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02The curtain is never wide enough
0:16:02 > 0:16:07but it means you can show the girls walking past what a happy woman looks like.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I'm looking forward to the spin-off Miss Selfridge
0:16:11 > 0:16:14where skinny girls stare at you and ask, "Is it for a present?"
0:16:14 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Now, we couldn't have a Christmas show without talking about
0:16:21 > 0:16:24one of the biggest shows of the year, Call The Midwife.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26CHEERING
0:16:26 > 0:16:28It's all about a group of midwives.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30There's a posh one, a tough one, a very young one
0:16:30 > 0:16:33and an older one who pretends to be young.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35It's basically the Spice Girls on gas and air.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40I love it when the midwives say, "I'm going to need hot water and towels."
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I always think, "I'd be stressed and fancy a bath, too."
0:16:43 > 0:16:45LAUGHTER
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Those women are all very cheerful considering
0:16:48 > 0:16:52they live on a bomb site, have too much sex and all the men are bastards.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Oh, hang on, I'm thinking of Geordie Shore!
0:16:55 > 0:16:59And there are a lot of bikes in it. No, that's Geordie Shore!
0:16:59 > 0:17:00LAUGHTER
0:17:00 > 0:17:05This is at the time when a man and woman had to have a chaperone when they went out on a date.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07A chaperone was there to hold your handbag
0:17:07 > 0:17:10while you went off to get fingered outside.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"I'm not putting it on the ground. It'll get dirty."
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Call The Midwife wasn't their first choice for title.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Others they thought of were Game Of Moans,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Nuns And Nunnies,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35and Sorry About Your Carpet.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:40How do they measure how dilated the woman is down there?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Is that why rulers need to be shatterproof?
0:17:44 > 0:17:45LAUGHTER
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I think I've got too smutty a mind to watch Call The Midwife.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54The other day I nearly spat my tea out
0:17:54 > 0:17:58when one of the midwives complimented a mother on her lovely curtains.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:03You know what? Because it's Christmas,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I think I'm going to call the midwives right now.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Please welcome Judy Parfitt and Helen George,
0:18:08 > 0:18:12also known as Sister Monica Joan and Nurse Trixie Franklin from Call The Midwife.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Hello.- Hello.- Welcome to the show. - Thank you.- Merry Christmas.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- Merry Christmas. - It's lovely to have you here.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32What I would like to know is before phones, how did they call the midwife?
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Was it like the Bat-Signal but with a fanny in the sky?
0:18:37 > 0:18:42How would you recognise it? You'd be like, "Is it? Is it a flower? I don't know what it is."
0:18:42 > 0:18:47- They used to have carrier pigeons. - Carrier pigeons?- Yes, yes.- Really?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- And it would just say, "It's coming out!"- Yes.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- Put it in a pigeon and send it. - They'd send the pigeon.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Right, OK. That's good to know.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Sister Monica is obsessed with cake, knitting and astrology, isn't she?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- Yes.- I totally get that
0:19:02 > 0:19:04apart from the knitting and the astrology.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- They're good things to be obsessed with, aren't they?- I think so.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14What do you think is the best thing about living in the 1950s? What was the best thing?
0:19:14 > 0:19:19I like the fact that you can eat white bread and you don't feel bad.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I eat white bread and I don't feel bad, love.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26You were allowed to have boobs, back then, weren't you?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- Pointy boobs as well.- Very pointy. I felt very left out.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- How do you get them into a point? - Tissue paper.- Really?
0:19:33 > 0:19:34You don't just roll them? Like...
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Until they eventually fill the end of your bra. Just keep on.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42"Come here, you've got warm hands. Keep rolling."
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I'm not very good with babies.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47How long do you have to hold them
0:19:47 > 0:19:50before you can ask if somebody else wants a go?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I'm not good with them.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54And they're heavy as well, so you're kind of ugh.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56They're lovely when they're quiet.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00When they're quiet and haven't shat themselves?
0:20:00 > 0:20:01And they haven't pooed.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04We have naked babies on set all the time doing the birth stuff
0:20:04 > 0:20:08and they just poo everywhere. It's like that yellow curry.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Yellow poo.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- You've just put me off curry for life.- I know!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16And people will say, "Oh, you've just got a little..."
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Curry poo on your face!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22You obviously all know how to hold babies.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26I've only ever held one baby and I'm not very good at it.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I hold them, you know, like that.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32You know what I mean? Out like that, by their feet.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34LAUGHTER
0:20:36 > 0:20:38When you auditioned for the part,
0:20:38 > 0:20:43did you have to display any midwifery skills at the audition?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I didn't audition, darling.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- You were just given the part? - Of course!
0:20:51 > 0:20:56- Well, I apologise. - Well, I should think so.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I just assumed people had auditions. No?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- I auditioned.- You auditioned! - She's young.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Well, that's because, you know, they wanted to make sure
0:21:04 > 0:21:08that they definitely liked you and you'd obviously just muscled your way in.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Helen, you practised the medical techniques on your husband, didn't you?
0:21:15 > 0:21:20I used my dog because I didn't have, you know, a prosthetic doll to practise with,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23so I'd come back and sort of... She's a Yorkshire terrier.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27She's kind of baby-sized so it just seemed like the natural progression.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30So your husband was the pregnant lady?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Yes, on his back with his legs up with a blanket over.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40It conjures up the most extraordinary picture.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43So he had the blanket over, his legs up?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- He delivered a Yorkshire terrier! - And he had a Yorkshire terrier?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Very successful, yes.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53Did you hand the Yorkshire terrier back to your husband to cradle?
0:21:53 > 0:21:58- I wrapped her in a blanket and she looked like ET.- That is adorable.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Do you enjoy leaving the young ones to do the delivery of the babies?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04You get up to quite a bit of mischief.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Do you enjoy that part of your character?- Yes, I love it.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- What's your favourite bit of mischief you've got up to? - Eating cakes.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- Everybody else is working, just in the corner snaffling away?- Yes.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I think I could do your part.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20But I mean obviously I'd have to audition!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Helen, I didn't know this,
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- you did backing vocals for Elton John for a while.- I did, yes.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Do you have a song when delivering a baby?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43You know, like, Circle Of Life or Tiny Dancer or something appropriate?
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Like I'm Still Standing Because My Fanny's Too Sore To Sit Down?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49PHONE RINGS
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Oh, excuse me. This is very odd that the phone has gone. Hello?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Now? Really? I think this is for one of you two.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06- Apparently someone's about to drop. Yeah.- Shall we?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- We should probably hurry up. - Absolutely.- Do you want to help us?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Oh, really?- Yes, come.- We'll show you how.- I'll give it a bash.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15- And then you can hold a baby. - Oh...great.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:24 > 0:23:27SHE SCREAMS
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Ooh!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Oh, sweetie, you're doing very well.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35Now just remember to breathe in and out. Where's Nurse Sarah?
0:23:35 > 0:23:41- She should be here by now. - I'm sure she'll be here soon. Oh, calm yourself.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Someone has called the midwife.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57I must get to Nonnatus House at once for the...baby thing.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59LAUGHTER
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I'm not an expert.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Oh.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Oh. Ah... Ow!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Oh, you bugger. Oh, you bugger.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15No wonder Victoria Pendleton is so grumpy.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I'm coming, I'm coming!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Shit! Cobblestones!
0:24:26 > 0:24:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Ooh!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Cobblestones!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45LAUGHTER
0:24:45 > 0:24:47WOMAN SCREAMS
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Nearly there!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Yes! Yes!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Yes! Yes!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I've arrived.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:01MUSIC: 'Call The Midwife' Theme Tune
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- Right, I'm here. How may I assist? - Sarah, where have you been?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I don't know, but I'm going back, flower.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER
0:25:16 > 0:25:21Well, you're here now. This is Mary. She's doing very well.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Everything is as it should be and she is four fingers dilated.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Four fingers?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Does anybody else really fancy a KitKat?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Argh!
0:25:32 > 0:25:37That's one for you, love? OK. Anyone else? Bounty? Twix?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Penguin?
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- We need hot water.- That's a good idea because I'm parched.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I'll have four sugars in mine, flower.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Perhaps you'd better just stay with the father.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54What's he doing here anyway? This is the 1950s.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58We couldn't afford another set, love. This isn't BBC One, you know.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- Hello, love. What's your name? - Joseph.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Mary and...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Joseph?
0:26:07 > 0:26:11And if you have a little boy, what are you going to call him?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Keith.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Let's get you out of here.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Don't forget the cap, the way your wife did.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Argh!
0:26:22 > 0:26:26We're almost ready, love. One big, last push.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Argh!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's looking angry down there.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34She's going to be off her cello lessons for a good while.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38That's it. There we go. There we are.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41There we are.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45It's a boy!
0:26:45 > 0:26:46BABY CRIES
0:26:46 > 0:26:50I have witnessed a moment in history that will change the world for ever.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53From today I have witnessed the birth
0:26:53 > 0:26:56of the baby Phillip Schofield!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58APPLAUSE
0:26:58 > 0:27:00MUSIC: 'This Morning' Theme Tune
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Thank you so much for coming on the show.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Ladies and gentlemen, Helen George and Judy Parfitt!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:22 > 0:27:24That's it for tonight.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Unfortunately we haven't had a chance to talk about all the repeats that are on at Christmas.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31We haven't had a chance to talk about all the repeats that are on at Christmas.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:37We haven't had a chance to talk about any Christmas spoilers,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39or children, as I call them.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Or the Sherlock Christmas special where he figures out some of the biggest Christmas mysteries
0:27:46 > 0:27:50like who gave you the secret gift at the office Christmas party
0:27:50 > 0:27:51and when will it clear up?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Or the Christmas Grand Designs
0:27:55 > 0:28:00which is just going to be people eating sandwiches in a caravan because their house isn't finished.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04And we haven't had time to talk about the Embarrassing Bodies Christmas special,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06or as I'm calling it, Jingle Balls.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Good night and Merry Christmas!