0:00:18 > 0:00:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello, and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38the show that dines at the buffet of TV
0:00:38 > 0:00:41while choosing to ignore the salad bar.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I absolutely love telly and it's taught me all I know.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48I've learnt loads about antiques from watching Antiques Roadshow.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I like it when they find out what Grandma's vase is worth
0:00:50 > 0:00:53and they pretend they would never sell it.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57"No, I'd never sell this vase. It reminds me too much of me nana."
0:00:58 > 0:01:02"20 grand? For that much, I'll even wash her ashes out of it."
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I've learned that men love Match Of The Day.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I only like the post-match interviews.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13They'd never work in women's football, would they?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15"What do you think went wrong today?"
0:01:15 > 0:01:17"Well, if you don't know...."
0:01:21 > 0:01:24And Newsnight has taught me a lot of things.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27It's taught me that I wouldn't like to live with Jeremy Paxman.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30"You're avoiding the question. Answer the question!"
0:01:30 > 0:01:33"OK, I might have moved the kitchen scissors into the lounge.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36"On one occasion, and for that misunderstanding,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39"I will give a full and public apology."
0:01:39 > 0:01:43I won't go to bed without watching Newsnight. Honestly, it's brilliant.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Sends me right off.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I don't even need a milky drink,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49much to my boyfriend's disappointment.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02So, tonight I'm going to be looking at two of my favourite types of TV.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Dating shows and nature programmes.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07That's two separate things, of course.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Unless you're watching Take Me Out.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Now, when I was a bairn, I was obsessed with wildlife programmes.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20I once asked me mam, "Did Dad climb on your back to make me?"
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Watching wildlife programmes with family can be tricky,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30especially older members. The sex stuff.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Plus the bit where the older member of the herd
0:02:33 > 0:02:35is pushed out to die alone.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39While the younger members carry on.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42"Bet you're glad we're not elephants, eh, Nana!"
0:02:42 > 0:02:43She couldn't hear.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46There weren't enough chairs in the front room.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52A four-foot child can fit into the mouth of a hippopotamus.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I'm guessing who found that out isn't allowed to baby-sit any more.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02My sister and I had pets, and often had a rabbit each,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04but I refused to play ball when naming them.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08She wanted them to be a duo, and I always spoilt it.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11So we had Bubbles and Smokey.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Starsky and Snowy.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16And Cagney and John.
0:03:20 > 0:03:25My rabbit got out once and dug up the corpse of my sister's hamster.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28If only it were possible to high-five a rabbit!
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Some people like animals too much.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39A survey said 275,000 Swiss people have had sex with an animal.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Which makes you wonder if those giant cowbells
0:03:42 > 0:03:45are actually a rudimentary rape alarm.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51So let's ask the audience, if you had to have sex
0:03:51 > 0:03:53with a wild animal, what would it be?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Give us a wave if you've got an answer.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59The lady there. Shall we get the Milli-cam?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02We've got a little camera, if you pass it across,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04hold the camera in front of you, love.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- Hello, love, what's your name? - Anne.- Hello, Anne.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11And tell me, which animal would you like to have sex with?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13A lion, because it goes rrraargh!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16You like a bit of that, do you?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Have we got anybody else who's... We've got loads here.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Lady in front, pass it to the lady in front.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Hello.- Hello, what's your name? - Cherry.- Hello, Cherry.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Pull it back, it's not a microphone.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Lovely! And which animal would you like to have sex with?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- A three-toed sloth. - A three-toed sloth?- Yeah.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41They have very short attention spans, they sleep an awful lot,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44and I thought they might be quite cuddly.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Aww! Isn't that lovely?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48You could just say you don't want to have sex at all.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Thank you very much. I have got a bit of confession.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56You've told me yours, I've got a bit of a confession for you guys.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01I think I might fancy gorillas. I do, I just like a hairy man.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03It just feels like a natural progression.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08I was in Bristol Zoo last year, and one definitely gave me the eye.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I read, though, that gorillas have got tiny cocks.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14But it's OK, because they've got massive fingers.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20And imagine the cuddling afterwards, they'd be so warm
0:05:20 > 0:05:23you could probably even take your nightie off.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I've got a habit of watching animal clips on the internet.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30I'm just about to go to bed,
0:05:30 > 0:05:34and I go, "I'll just have one more clip of cats and then I'll go to bed."
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Then it says, "If you like that one, you might like this one."
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Feels a bit like single men watching porn. "Just one more!"
0:05:43 > 0:05:45And as happens with porn,
0:05:45 > 0:05:49the more cat clips I watch, the more extreme I need them to be.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I've seen it all. Cats in boxes,
0:05:51 > 0:05:56cats in baths, cats reacting to printers.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I need something more! I need something harder!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Oh, two cats cuddling in a sink.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Ohh, there it is.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I wish I knew more about animals.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12What I need is an expert off the telly.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Please welcome a man who dances with wolves, swims with dolphins,
0:06:16 > 0:06:20and can tell us exactly what bears do in the woods.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23It's the star of Springwatch, Chris Packham.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25APPLAUSE
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- Welcome to the show.- Thank you.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40Now, why do you do Springwatch every year? Isn't it mostly the same?
0:06:43 > 0:06:48Do you ever feel like bringing a wolf in to jazz it up a bit?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50I do, actually.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I often think, if I had a little sneaky tiger out the back,
0:06:55 > 0:06:59we could let that go at 8:35, it would really start something, wouldn't it?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02OK. Well, maybe think about that for next year.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Yeah.- I'm glad I've helped.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Let's have a little look at you in action.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11There've been days, I've been rambling through the countryside
0:07:11 > 0:07:14and I fantasise that I creep into an old barn,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16and find a 1950s racing Ferrari
0:07:16 > 0:07:19which I purchase from the farmer for just £100
0:07:19 > 0:07:21because he doesn't know better.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23But it's never come true.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Today, however, I wander around this headland fantasising that
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I look down into the water and see bobbing there black guillemots.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Phwoar! Look, all three sets of feet together,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36it's a six footer! I'd go out with a black guillemot.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Definitely. You'd look smart, wouldn't you?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Tramping into the Ritz on a Saturday afternoon to tea
0:07:43 > 0:07:46with a black guillemot on your arm. I could go for that.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Sometimes when I see something like a black guillemot or a white gyrfalcon
0:07:58 > 0:08:01or my favourite bird of all, which is a wallcreeper,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04then everything goes moist, to be honest with you.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I know you think that's probably weird, but sometimes...
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I don't think I'm the only one that thinks it's weird.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21You know, birds are really good-looking animals.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I like the look of feathers.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- I prefer the feel of them to fur or hair or...- Skin?- Skin, yeah.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Sometimes you have your favourite T-shirt on
0:08:31 > 0:08:33and you're listening to The Jesus And Mary Chain
0:08:33 > 0:08:37and you stop and open the window and it's just there!
0:08:37 > 0:08:38HE EXHALES LUSTILY
0:08:41 > 0:08:44APPLAUSE I mean, you know...
0:08:50 > 0:08:53You've made me warm now!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56What is the best way to kill a spider?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00There's no good way to kill a spider.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Spiders have a great job to do, they're fantastic animals.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- The only reason they come in is because your house is...- Filthy.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12You got in before me. It's a crude facsimile of a cave.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15They'll eat the woodlice and take the flies out.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17But I can kill all them as well.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21You can't make choices like that.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- You've got to be very tolerant of all life.- No.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32I've been reading up on you. You've got something against pandas.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35What have you got against pandas, you big meanie?
0:09:35 > 0:09:39I haven't got anything particular against pandas.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43But I fear that we spend too much money looking after that one species
0:09:43 > 0:09:45when we have a limited amount of money to spend
0:09:45 > 0:09:47on conserving all of our species.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51It's gone heavier than I thought it was going to, to be honest.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Pandas are no good at breeding.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Pandas are a bear, essentially a carnivorous animal,
0:09:57 > 0:10:01which has ended up in the most overpopulated country in the world,
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- eating a very limited range of food. - They're not very clever, are they?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- No.- Shall we just f... them off? - Don't bet on a loser.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11"Don't bet on a loser"!
0:10:11 > 0:10:15I feel quite sorry for pandas now.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18You see, you can't say to me, I can't play God.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22You're playing God every time you stamp on a spider cos you don't like the look of it.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Well, maybe if they didn't come in me house, I'd leave them alone.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I'm the same with burglars. Just...
0:10:31 > 0:10:33What animal do you think there are too many of?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37In the UK, we have far too many domestic cats.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40SHE GASPS IN HORROR
0:10:40 > 0:10:42But I don't have one,
0:10:42 > 0:10:46but what about all the people who put the pictures up on the internet?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51APPLAUSE
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Do you think people have too many?
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Nine million domestic cats kill 60 million songbirds a year.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03So people spend a relative fortune feeding the birds
0:11:03 > 0:11:06and bringing them into their garden, and essentially,
0:11:06 > 0:11:07feeding them to their cats.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12- I see that as a disaster.- It's just the food chain, though, isn't it?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Sometimes you like a bit of quiet.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21God! You know, sometimes you just want to put a songbird on mute,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23and that's effectively what a cat is.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28As we saw earlier, you really love guillemots.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32We've got a really cute clip for you.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33This will be a challenge.
0:11:34 > 0:11:40It's a 150-metre drop, and they need to make it all the way to the sea.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Here goes.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS
0:11:51 > 0:11:55He falls short and survives the crash landing.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02APPLAUSE
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Is everybody all right?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Are you all right? You actually looked down when it happened.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- I...- It's pretty sad, isn't it? - Well, what about the fox?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18The Arctic fox needs some food.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21It's got a den somewhere with some cutesy-wutesy foxes in...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Oh, I should have shown them as well!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Tearing apart the guillemot!
0:12:26 > 0:12:29They've eaten so much guillemot they can barely get out of the den.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34No, that's the cycle of life. Death is part of the cycle of life.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37But it's the emotional rollercoaster. The audience, awww!
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Ahhh. Ohh!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Terrifying.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44So, Chris, as you may have heard earlier, I do fancy the odd gorilla.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49It's just something about them. Sometimes I can't even tell men and monkeys apart,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52which is where you come in. So it's time to play...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Who wants to see a monkey's hair?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57"WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" MUSICAL STING
0:13:00 > 0:13:06So, Chris. The question is, are the following man or monkey?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Here's the first one.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Now, that's definitely...
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I think because of the way that the hair pattern is lying there,
0:13:14 > 0:13:15that's ape.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- That could be chimpanzee. - OK, let's have a look.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Wayne and Coleen on holidays there.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29And the next one.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Oh my goodness me!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33AUDIENCE GROANS
0:13:33 > 0:13:37It's just so horrible, I'm going to say man.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Let's have a look.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41AUDIENCE GROANS
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Imagine that on the beach! You must smell like a wet dog.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49And the next one.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55Most primates have quite naked lips, because they're very sensitive.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57So that hair overhanging the tongue
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- betrays a moustache, so I'm going for man for this one. - OK, let's have a look.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06It's a monkey with a Mivvi!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I think you did pretty well there. Well done.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Thank you, thank you.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Packham! - Thank you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23APPLAUSE
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I'd like to look after wildlife,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34but I'm not putting fat balls out for the birds.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I think a bloke from the RSPB made that up
0:14:36 > 0:14:39just so he could hear people say "fat balls" on the telly.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Anyway, if I'm making snacks, they'll be for me.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49So it seems to me that dating and wildlife
0:14:49 > 0:14:53are both basically eating followed by shagging.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56The main difference being whether or not Bill Oddie is watching.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Penguins mate for life but spend most of their lives apart.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04This seems to be the secret. That and separate bathrooms.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Wild turtles just have sex then go their separate ways.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11You can do that when you've both got your own house.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I love dating shows on TV. I still miss Blind Date.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- Do you miss Blind Date? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Especially the pensioner specials.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25They were really sweet, though, weren't they,
0:15:25 > 0:15:29with their videos of old people holding hands and sharing humbugs.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32"I'm 93, and I'm not looking for anything long-term."
0:15:35 > 0:15:38If dating is hard, breaking up is even harder.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40When I split up with a boyfriend once,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42we went for a meal to Frankie & Benny's.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I was so upset, and I'm not saying this to garner pity,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47all I could do was cry and vomit.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51I kept running to the loo to vomit, coming back to cry, running to the loo...
0:15:51 > 0:15:52I felt like a supermodel.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58It was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I was... "Maarrrgh" like this, and he was like this...
0:16:01 > 0:16:02His main course came with broccoli.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06You know sometimes a conversation sums up your entire relationship?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Seven years together. I said, "You don't like broccoli."
0:16:09 > 0:16:14And he said, "Yes, I do. You just never got any in."
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Like I had the magic bloody keys to Asda.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Whether I've needed it or not,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24there's always been someone in my life
0:16:24 > 0:16:26all too keen to dish out relationship advice.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29But to be fair to him, he's been married for 47 years.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31He's not here, but we can talk to him now
0:16:31 > 0:16:35thanks to the magic of the internet.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37APPLAUSE
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my dad, Philip.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Hello, Dad.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- Say hello to the audience. - Hello, audience!
0:16:54 > 0:16:55- AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57They're all waving at you. Bless you.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- You've been married to my mam for 47 years.- Yes.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Sound happier!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07So tell me about how you met me mam.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Seemingly, this is what she told me,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11that when she first saw us,
0:17:11 > 0:17:15I had a sticking plaster just above me nose on me forehead.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17And she thought I'd been in a fight.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20And that I had a nice bum.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Too much information, but anyway. Had you actually been in a fight?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I hadn't been in a fight.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31It was a sticking plaster covering a huge burst zit.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- SHE GIGGLES - Awww! What a lovely story.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43So, tell me, have you got any advice for people like me,
0:17:43 > 0:17:47who might be courting or dating, what kind of advice could you give?
0:17:47 > 0:17:51You should endlessly talk. Something that I don't think couples do now.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- I think you're right... - You learn everything about them.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Tell me...- You learn...- Tell...
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Is this the kind of conversation you had with me mam?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Didn't get a word in!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06So what kind of things did you talk about?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09What you're expecting out of life.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Tell me what you expected out of life.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- That I would have all mod cons. - All mod cons.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Televisions, washing machines, dishwashers, you name it,
0:18:19 > 0:18:20we've got it.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- Also, we'd have children. - I was wondering
0:18:25 > 0:18:27where I was going to come in.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Noticeably after the washing machine.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I was prepared to work me tits off to get it.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39I think we can all take a little bit away from that, can't we?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Thank you very much. Everyone, my dad.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:54People are a lot more blunt about sex these days.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I went out with a bloke who said, "What do you do?"
0:18:56 > 0:18:59And I thought he meant for a job. Nope.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07He just listed things, and I went, "No, no, no.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09"Depends on my mood."
0:19:11 > 0:19:13"Not with a Crunchie."
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I found out the difference between sleeping with a man in his 20s and a man in his 30s.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Generally speaking, sleeping with a man in his 30s,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27it's much better, but you've got to rub his legs afterwards for cramp.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34What I need now is a TV expert on sex and dating.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I'm so bad at flirting, people ask me if I'm all right.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39And then look for my epi-pen.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42So please welcome the sex inspector, Tracey Cox.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44APPLAUSE
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- Hello.- Hi.- Thank you for coming on the show.- Thank you for having me.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Now, with a surname like yours, you were bound to end up in this field.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Absolutely. Everyone says to me, did you make it up?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I would have been a bit more original than Tracey Cox.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09You could've had a middle name of "Sucks" or something.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Do you have to work your way up to be a sex inspector?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Do you start at the bottom?
0:20:18 > 0:20:22It's actually, often people say to me, you're called a sexpert,
0:20:22 > 0:20:23what does it mean? It does sound like
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I lie around with Calvin Klein models practising.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30But actually it comes from a psychology degree specialising in sex therapy.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32So it's all above board.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34What do you think of speed dating?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Speed dating's brilliant,
0:20:36 > 0:20:41because you can get through a lot of people in a short period of time, so to speak.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Do you think it's rude to carry on a conversation during sex?
0:20:47 > 0:20:52Depends on the conversation. I think we should talk more during sex.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Is texting all right?
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- Texting, no. But talking, yes. - Not even if it's on silent?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04It depends on what position you're in. If they can't see...
0:21:04 > 0:21:07You can sometimes have a book on the go.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Is there a way to tell if you're any good at sex?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16If you're into sex, it shows and you're much less inhibited in bed.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20So I think you can tell. If you're out and trying to work out who'd be the best lay,
0:21:20 > 0:21:24the best way is to look at whether they eat their food with gusto,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27if they're very enthusiastic, if they laugh a lot, drink a lot.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I like the eating the food thing,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32you could just imagine you're on the plate.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35If you've got an appetite for life, you're generally good in bed.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I've got an appetite.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Do you think men are intimidated by you?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I am bossy. I remember with one guy, saying,
0:21:44 > 0:21:48"Can you read chapter two, three and four of that book and get back to me?"
0:21:48 > 0:21:50He was a bit like, "Whoa!"
0:21:50 > 0:21:53That is brilliant!
0:21:53 > 0:21:54"I've just bookmarked it for you,
0:21:54 > 0:21:59- "I've turned the page over that I'd like you to concentrate on." - I did do that!
0:21:59 > 0:22:03I'm the only person that actually comes with an instruction manual.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07It must be quite easy to please you. Just do a bit of reading first.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- It's not that much work. - It's only 14 books.
0:22:10 > 0:22:1314 books? And then they can have a go on you.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16That's a lot of reading.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21You must be pretty unembarrassable. Does anything embarrass you?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Um... No, not really.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24I think I've heard it all by now.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I was in LA quite recently at a sex fair,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30and I was on my stand, because I've got a range of sex toys...
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Just hold on. Sex fair, and you had a stand?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Is it like the WI but with vibrators?- Yes.- Yes. OK.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41So I had my products there, I was looking over at a stand over here,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44and it was all these male chastity belts.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Were they metal? - Some were metal, some were wood.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49It was very odd.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Wood?! You'd have to get the Pledge out.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00So you deal with body language as well.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03What's my body language saying right now?
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Because sort of...
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I'm nervous, and I need a little bit of a wee,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09but does that come across?
0:23:09 > 0:23:10No, you look very relaxed.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13The thing about body language is that you only notice it
0:23:13 > 0:23:15if they're doing something out of kilter.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18If I'm being interviewed and the person interviewing me is nervous,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21they'll often do what's called leaking, where they...
0:23:21 > 0:23:25I need a little bit of a wee, but I'm not going to go that far.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Your body leaks nervous energy.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32You look composed there, then you see them jigging their leg underneath the table.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36If you're not sure about flirting, is it OK to go straight to licking?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Flirting is not really my strong point.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46So I've got a little bit of a cocktail party set up over there.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- OK.- Let's go across and see if you can teach me some tricks.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- Of course.- Let's do it. Excellent.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54MUSIC: "Smooth Operator" by Sade
0:23:57 > 0:23:59So where do we start?
0:23:59 > 0:24:03OK, what you do is you match your flirting to the type of guy
0:24:03 > 0:24:07that you're flirting with. It's different flirting for different guys.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Let's start with that gentleman, the silver fox guy.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12So he's been around the block,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14he's attuned to picking up signals.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- You can be sexy and sophisticated with him.- OK, I'm going in.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21# Smooth operator... #
0:24:28 > 0:24:33- Hi.- So what I'd like you to do is do what's called a neck display.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Pull your top down a little bit off the shoulder,
0:24:38 > 0:24:43because it gives him a hint of what you can look like naked.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45And then sort of pretend to massage your neck a bit.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48This makes your breasts look perky.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Occh! Oh!- Also, it wafts pheromones in his direction.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Rude.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57APPLAUSE
0:25:01 > 0:25:04So, I mean, I followed your instructions
0:25:04 > 0:25:07but that one didn't really work. Is there another type?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10OK, maybe volume control, turn it down a bit.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- I barely said a word to him.- OK.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Let's try somebody who looks a little bit shyer.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19This guy's on his own. Looks a bit shy.
0:25:19 > 0:25:24With shy guys, you want to not scare them off. So keep it very subtle and subliminal.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Hi.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31When we meet people that we're attracted to,
0:25:31 > 0:25:35our eyebrows flash up and down, we do it instinctively.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Invade his space at little bit. It's like a conversation opener.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47Sort of adjust your clothing, maybe smooth them down around your hips.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52That says, "I want to look attractive for you."
0:25:56 > 0:25:58That worked(!)
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Maybe, maybe...
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I did the eyebrow.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05The eyebrows were good, maybe turn that down a bit.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07The preening, probably smooth down rather than pull up.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Good tip, thank you!
0:26:09 > 0:26:14Is it true, I've read, it might have even been in one of your books,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16that men like red lips or licked lips
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- because it looks a bit like... - HESITANTLY:- ..a vagina.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25- Is that true?- Absolutely true. It was... Well, it's in lots of books.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Especially if you've got a bit of a 'tache.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35OK. Let's see. Let's just go for a really basic bloke type.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37What about that muscley guy over there?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39OK.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Hi. Clear off, bitch.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Not very good on a stool.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Cross and uncross your legs slowly.
0:27:07 > 0:27:13Less Sharon Stone, more Kenny Everett, isn't it?
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Draw attention to your mouth, lick your lips, maybe touch your mouth.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Talk to him, but pitch your voice low, so it's nice and husky.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- BUTCH VOICE:- You all right, mate?
0:27:37 > 0:27:41But, you know what, I've got a really nice boyfriend at home
0:27:41 > 0:27:45and I got him by just being myself, so I think I might just stick with that.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52- Thank you very much. Please give a round of applause to Tracey Cox. - APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:28:00But if my relationship does go tits-up, I've got Tracey's number.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01That's it for tonight.
0:28:01 > 0:28:06I didn't have time to talk about shows like When Sharks Attack,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09which would be great if they gave you an actual timetable.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15They tried Where Sharks Attack, but it's basically the sea.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18And we haven't had time to touch on Snog, Marry, Avoid,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21or as I like to call it, Top Gear.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Good night!
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd