0:00:36 > 0:00:40Hello and welcome to my new show, The Sarah Millican Television Programme,
0:00:40 > 0:00:44where I take a big swig from TV's cappuccino
0:00:44 > 0:00:46and spend a bit too long licking the chocolate off the lid.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I love television, it's taught me everything I know.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53I've learnt about sci-fi by watching shows like Torchwood.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Apparently, Torchwood is known as Doctor Who for grown-ups.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01So somebody needs to remind all the men in their 30s that means
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Doctor Who is officially for kids.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10I've learnt all about politics by watching Question Time.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I just wish David Dimbleby was more honest with the intros.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Good evening and tonight on Question Time,
0:01:15 > 0:01:17we have that bloke you hated last time,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21that woman who never stops talking and, for some reason, Jedward.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And I've tried to learn about driving by watching Top Gear
0:01:26 > 0:01:29or, as I like to call it, Two-And-A-Half Men.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33To be honest, I don't really see the attraction.
0:01:33 > 0:01:39If I wanted to watch slightly racist middle-aged men driving, I'd just take a cab.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Tonight, I'm going to talk about two of my favourite types of telly,
0:01:49 > 0:01:53drama and weather forecasts. I occasionally combine both
0:01:53 > 0:01:55when I get caught in the rain wearing a white top.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00The walk home from Tesco is like the most disappointing
0:02:00 > 0:02:02wet T-shirt contest ever.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06My boyfriend and I get on brilliantly,
0:02:06 > 0:02:07but don't always agree on telly.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09In my house, a TV drama is usually
0:02:09 > 0:02:12when two things are about to clash on my Sky box.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17I love a costume drama, he prefers zombies and horror.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20When choosing a film, we always try to trick each other.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25So far, he has seen When Harry Ate Sally...
0:02:25 > 0:02:28and I have seen Night Of The Lovely Dead.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31On holiday once,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35we decided it would be really romantic to read to each other in bed.
0:02:35 > 0:02:40One night, I read him my favourite chapter from Sense and Sensibility.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44The next night, he read me a Stephen King short story
0:02:44 > 0:02:46about an evil cat.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52The story ended with the cat forcing its way into a man's mouth
0:02:52 > 0:02:55and eating its way out of his stomach.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00My boyfriend shut the book and went, "Ah, night-night."
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I do like a TV drama though.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Sometimes, I find I can't enjoy my dinner
0:03:06 > 0:03:10unless I'm watching Robson Green's wife being murdered.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- Do you remember Life On Mars? - AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16It's basically where a police detective goes into a coma
0:03:16 > 0:03:18and wakes up in the 1970s.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21You can experience a similar situation
0:03:21 > 0:03:23by getting the Megabus to Carlisle.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30But I'll watch any costume drama about the upper classes.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32What was that brilliant show on telly last year?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Full of posh people dressed up in ridiculous outfits,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39being fawned on by people who are common as muck.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Oh, that's right, the Royal wedding.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Downton Abbey must be like watching Big Brother for the Queen.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54People say the Royal family deserve their money
0:03:54 > 0:03:56because they bring a lot of foreign people into the country.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Well, so do long-distance lorry drivers,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01but no-one gives them a big house.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08You have to have a certain accent to be in a period drama.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10If they ever cast me in one,
0:04:10 > 0:04:14they'd probably have to make me the coalman.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Class is a simple issue.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20If someone else cleans your toilet, you're posh.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22And I don't mean your wife.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32But the people who clean hotel rooms deserve a medal.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34People do things in hotel rooms that they'd never do at home.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Largely because their wife's not there.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I don't like it in hotels when the porter asks
0:04:40 > 0:04:42if I want help with my case.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44It feels like he's implying I couldn't carry it myself.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I did once say, "You're threatening my masculinity."
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Then I remembered I'm not supposed to have any of that.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I always worried about how much to tip.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Like, oh, I've only got a tenner on me,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00but you've only carried my case ten foot.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Can you do some more stuff, so I can get my money's worth?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Like maybe unpack, or run a bath, or...
0:05:06 > 0:05:08heavy petting?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14So, talking of class, I would like to ask you, the lovely audience,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17have you ever been out with someone too posh for you?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20We've got a nice lady with a lovely black top.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Let's see if we can get the Millicam to her.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Pass that along and if you point it at yourself, flower.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- Hello, love, what's your name? - Jenny.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Hello, Jenny, and what's your story?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I was going out with a guy for, in total, about four years
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and after about a year and a half, his parents invited me
0:05:34 > 0:05:36to New York for his 18th birthday.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38So I think my dad felt a little bit bad,
0:05:38 > 0:05:43so the year after, he invited him on our family holiday to Anglesey.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I bet it was more fun, was it?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Er, no.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56But I'm now, again, in a similar relationship, where again, I'm not the posh one.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59We need to find some real dregs of society for you
0:05:59 > 0:06:02and then you can be the posh one.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Thank you very much. Let's give her a round of applause.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12We've got a nice lady in a lovely pink top there.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- Excellent, hello, love.- Hiya. - What's your name?- Lynn.- Hello, Lynn.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Tell me your story.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I once went out with an antique dealer
0:06:20 > 0:06:24and he decided to take me out to the theatre one night.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I love the theatre, so I thought, that'll be great.
0:06:26 > 0:06:32He proceeded to tell me everything what was going on
0:06:32 > 0:06:35and what the opera glasses were for, because I didn't know.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- So he thought you didn't know what the opera glasses were for?- Yeah.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Take them outside to look at the stars later on.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45It might have been OK if it had been in Italian or something,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48but it was actually Evita.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Patronising swine.- Yeah. - Thank you very much, Lynn.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Let's give her a round of applause.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I think the best way to check if you are working class is
0:07:00 > 0:07:04if you have a bean jug.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08A bean jug is a bright orange-stained measuring jug...
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Now you know!
0:07:14 > 0:07:18..that you use to microwave beans in at least three times a week.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I never have posh food at home, it's always comfort food.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24I never have posh food at home.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27To me, antipasti is my dad's sister who works in Greggs.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Sometimes, I feel bad watching period dramas.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37The women weren't allowed to work, had to get married to survive,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39and if life were Upstairs Downstairs,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I'd definitely have been downstairs.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45The best I could hope for would be rough sex in the scullery
0:07:45 > 0:07:46with the mill owner.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53What I need here is a TV expert to guide me through all things dramatic.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55He's one of our greatest actors,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58literally millions have admired his Dickens...
0:08:00 > 0:08:04..and I'd lov to nuzzle his Chuzzlewit.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Please welcome Simon Callow.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Thank you very much, thank you for coming on the show.- It's a joy.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Let's have a little look at you in action.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25It looked like...
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Oh, my Lord!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32It looked...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35..like that.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39What...phantasmagoria is this?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Argh!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I've done gigs like that.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00What do you think it is about costume drama that's so sexy?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Everything being held in.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- Pinched.- You swell from within. - Oh, OK.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11We're not talking about now, are we?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Do you get to do many sex scenes? - Oh, lots.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18They are supposed to be quite uncomfortable
0:09:18 > 0:09:21and not remotely sexy at all, is that true?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Or do you get into it a bit?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28It's about the most unarousing thing you can do...
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I bet I could show you other things.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37That sounds like a challenge to me.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42What lengths have you gone to to prepare for a role?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Obviously, dressing up as well, but are you very method?
0:09:45 > 0:09:50- Recently, I played a transvestite. - Yes.- But...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52What did you do for that?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I went to all sorts of interesting places,
0:09:56 > 0:10:02but when I put the bra on and the high-heel shoes,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04and then the wig, especially,
0:10:04 > 0:10:08then I became some other person.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Was your bra full, or just sort of baggy?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16It was like two rugby balls side-by-side.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22How do you prepare for the stage?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25About four o'clock in the afternoon,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27if I've got a 7:30 show,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I just stop thinking about anything else, except for the show,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33and I just enter into the world of the characters,
0:10:33 > 0:10:37so that the things that matter to the characters matter to me as well.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Because I wear Wonder Woman knickers.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46It helps me. Makes me feel invincible. I've got them on now.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50I mean, they're under much bigger knickers, but that's another story.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Now, you were an English teacher on Jamie's Dream School, weren't you?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Did the kids teach you any new words?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Well, the word that I learned, which amazed me, was sick, meaning good.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08That was very peculiar, that took a long time... "Oh, sir, that's sick," they'd say.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10And I'd think, "What did I...?"
0:11:10 > 0:11:12And it meant great, they liked it.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15And how do you keep a straight face when you say Coriolanus?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Have you ever acted your way out of an awkward situation?
0:11:25 > 0:11:26No.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Could you, for next time?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43With a bit of notice.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Now, acting's all well and good, but could you teach me some thespian skills
0:11:50 > 0:11:53that might be useful in everyday life?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Say, for example, if you were ringing in sick
0:11:55 > 0:11:58and you weren't really poorly.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59- Yeah.- So you ring your boss.
0:11:59 > 0:12:05Yeah, but the trick really would be not to act sick on the phone.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06- Oh, no coughing?- None of that.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- No vomity noises in the background. - Yeah.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14Just say, "I am so sick, I can't come in."
0:12:14 > 0:12:18What if they're younger than you and they think you mean you're good?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28What about if you're in a lift
0:12:28 > 0:12:32and you had a bit of a dodgy tummy
0:12:32 > 0:12:34and you dropped one...
0:12:34 > 0:12:38how do you pretend that that's not yours?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Well, I think the thing to do, especially if you're wearing a coat,
0:12:40 > 0:12:45is to sort of suddenly become involved in some quick movement.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48It disperses the air.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51And, obviously, how to fake an orgasm.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- Yeah, in a lift.- In a lift.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56While ringing in sick.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04I think, we'd all agree, that you are, obviously, a fantastic actor
0:13:04 > 0:13:05and you have such a wonderful voice.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I bet you have no trouble
0:13:07 > 0:13:10when you ring up to book cinema tickets with the automated ticket service?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- I do.- Do you, really?- They never understand a word I say.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Do friends ever get you to do their voicemail message on their phones?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- It has happened.- It has happened. And you don't mind doing that?- No.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21OK, noted.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I wonder, there's a poem that really means a lot to me
0:13:27 > 0:13:30and I'm wondering if maybe you could show me
0:13:30 > 0:13:33how to read it properly, like, how to project...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Could you do that?- I will, I will be proud to.- OK, just open the page there.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44"First, I was afraid...
0:13:50 > 0:13:52"I was petrified
0:13:54 > 0:13:59"Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
0:13:59 > 0:14:05"But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
0:14:05 > 0:14:07"I grew strong
0:14:07 > 0:14:09"I learned how to carry on
0:14:11 > 0:14:14"So you're back from outer space
0:14:17 > 0:14:20"I just walked in
0:14:20 > 0:14:23"To find you here
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"With that sad look upon your face
0:14:27 > 0:14:32"I should have changed my stupid lock
0:14:32 > 0:14:34"I should have made you leave your key
0:14:34 > 0:14:37"If I had known for just one second
0:14:37 > 0:14:40"You'd be back to bother me."
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- That was awesome, can you teach me how to do that?- I will.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Can I have a go?- Yeah.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- OK. Any...preliminary tips? - Breathe, calm down.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Calm down?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I'm quite excitable, to be fair.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Any tips on breathing?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09In, out.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- And do you want me to do it in...? - English.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28"Go on now, go
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"Walk out the door..."
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Start again, please.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42I don't understand what you're really feeling,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I just hear a woman elocuting there.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- A woman!- I don't get the inner life.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I'm excited that you call me a woman.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- Erm, OK, so again?- Yeah.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- Just feel it a bit more?- Please.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"Go on now, go..."
0:16:00 > 0:16:01No...
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- I felt I nailed that bit. - I want to see the man, the man you're talking to,
0:16:07 > 0:16:11I want a sense of who he is and what you're trying to do to him.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Do you want a picture?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Yes, pictures to form in my mind, as you speak.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- "Weren't you the one..."- Sorry...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22"Weren't you the one..."
0:16:22 > 0:16:26"Weren't you the one."
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- "Weren't you the one..."- That's it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- "Who tried to hurt me with goodbye?" - Yes.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35"Did you think I'd crumble?"
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Could we just have a look at the word crumble?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43It's like cru-mble.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Cramble. Cramble.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49It's got an A in it, that, cramble.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51"Did you think I'd cramble?
0:16:52 > 0:16:58"Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not I!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- "I will survive!"- Yeah.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06That was sick.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- Thank you very much, it's been lovely to have you on the show.- Pleasure.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Callow.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22People still speak like they're in a costume drama these days,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25but only when giving evidence in court.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I was proceeding along the promenade
0:17:28 > 0:17:31when I was assailed by a nefarious character and then asked
0:17:31 > 0:17:34if I would like any.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I liked the BBC adaptation of Jane Eyre,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43although there was no mention of her evil brother Ryan.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51You can tell classic books aren't written by men.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56It's all stolen glances, long drawn-out foreplay and romance.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58If a bloke wrote Pride And Prejudice, Mr Darcy would have had
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Elizabeth against a wheelie bin in the first scene.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06And what about our obsession with the weather?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Here's a fun game for when you're watching the weather forecast on telly.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13When it's a windy day and they have the big arrows on the map,
0:18:13 > 0:18:14I like to sing...
0:18:14 > 0:18:18# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? #
0:18:21 > 0:18:25I don't like it when they use new words, like mizzle,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27which means mist and drizzle.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33I always think, who've they got doing the weather, Snoop Doggy Dog?
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Today, there will be mizzle up the hizzle. Tomorrow, sizzle.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41For-shizzle.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46To be a meteorologist, you need a good background in maths and science,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49not like in the old days. You could just be pretty then.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Today, it's going to very hot and possibly wet later.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59When I say that, it sounds less sexy
0:18:59 > 0:19:03and more like I'm going through the change and I might piss myself later.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10So what I need is an expert from the telly to teach me about the weather.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14So please welcome, complete with his map, weather legend John Kettley.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Thank you very much for coming on the show, John.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Sarah, it's great to be here. - Bless you.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Do you think the weather should come with a disclaimer?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28"Warning, we're only guessing!"
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I... It's educated guesswork,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33it's always been educated guesswork.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36So do you think you guys would all be out of a job
0:19:36 > 0:19:41if we just started looking out of the window?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44For most people, it's only what's happening first thing in the morning
0:19:44 > 0:19:49- and when you come home from work later in the afternoon that matters, to some degree.- That's true.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52You've got to put your washing out in the middle of the day, and pick the kids up from school,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55but it's what's happening first thing, when you go to work, and in the evening.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57We always try and get it right, obviously,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01but sometimes, what happens for that little bit in the middle may not always be as important.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I've got a friend, instead of opening the door,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- she just puts her arm out of her cat flap.- Yeah.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Have you ever actually forecast that it's going to be raining men?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14That's a great song, who did that song? Was it B*Witched?
0:20:14 > 0:20:18- The Weather Girls. - The Weather Girls, was it? I should've known that one.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19B*Witched?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Why do you tell us the pollen count on the forecast now?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24You don't do that with other allergies?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Sian Lloyd never says, don't go near that carrot cake at dinner time because it might have nuts in it.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- No, but it's coming. That's on the way next year.- Oh, really?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- You never know.- Don't promise things you can't deliver, pet.
0:20:37 > 0:20:45- No, all right.- Do you get fan mail from ladies who say they're experiencing damp patches?
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Was that a no?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I've always been very happy talking about warm fronts,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00rather than occluded fronts, because that leads to all sorts of things going through your head.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- I love a warm front.- I know, many people do.- Isobars.- Yes.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08- Where are they, and how late do they stay open?- Well, the isobars...
0:21:10 > 0:21:15Sarah, in the old Met office at Bracknell, the bar was actually called the Isobar.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Oh, that is so cool, but nerdy.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23And is it possible for the sun to actually
0:21:23 > 0:21:26shine out of someone's arse?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33It's very interesting you ask that question as well, because
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I went on a nine-week forecasting course and it never came up.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Thank you very much, you've been brilliantly helpful.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- Ladies and gentlemen, John Kettley. - Thank you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48When I watch a period drama,
0:21:48 > 0:21:53one of the things that impresses me most is the clothes people used to wear.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Not the style of them, just the effort they used to go to
0:21:56 > 0:21:58when they got dressed in the morning.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00They're lucky most days if I change out of my pyjama bottoms
0:22:00 > 0:22:02and put a bra on.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Why did they make corsets out of whalebone?
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Everyone wore them, but it's something so hard to get hold of.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14What else did they wear? Jumpers knitted from unicorn whiskers?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17It was so repressed
0:22:17 > 0:22:19and women weren't allowed to show any of their body.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21If a man saw so much as an ankle,
0:22:21 > 0:22:25he'd be so turned on, he turned into a spunk fountain.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Which is now a ride at Alton Towers.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Oh, you know what I really love about telly?
0:22:49 > 0:22:54I love the fact that I can do...
0:22:54 > 0:22:57this.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09It took three women and a lot of lube to get us in this.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13This is posh. Look how fancy it is.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15The sofa's a bit rubbish, it's only got one end.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18It's broken.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Oh. I'm down, I'm down, everybody, I'm down.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Oh, there's a bell.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29SHE RINGS BELL
0:23:31 > 0:23:36Wow, it's Mrs Hughes from Downton Abbey, also known as Phyllis Logan.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Hello, lovely lady.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I absolutely adore the show.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Why do you think it is that Downton Abbey is so popular?
0:23:44 > 0:23:50It's just a good story, well told, with lots of love and intrigue.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53In that setting as well.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55And all the big frocks.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59And all the big frocks. Not quite as big as yours, but, yes.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- You don't have to be rude about it. - Sorry.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- Does everyone stay in character? - Absolutely not.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Oh, really? So Hugh Bonneville, if he spills something down his front,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13he's not getting you to come and mop it up, is he?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- I don't do mopping.- No, that's true.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I may be dressed with an apron, but I never wear an apron.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I'm very good at delegating, but I don't actually do any work.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- I just delegate.- I love all of the, you know, like a sideways glance?
0:24:24 > 0:24:29- This is what I love about costume dramas, the sideways glance.- Right.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Like this, like this.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35A little bit coy. You see, I can't... Can you do it? You can.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- Oh, can I? Sideways coy look?- Yeah.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42I think whenever I do it, it looks...
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Yeah, round of applause for yours.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49It took me three years to learn that.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52It just looks like I'm cheating in an exam, doesn't it?
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Now, I'd love to live like the Crawleys, but under my stairs,
0:24:58 > 0:25:02there's just a knackered hoover and an old Thighmaster.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I don't think there's much room for servants.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09- I live in a flat, it doesn't really work like this.- No, no, it doesn't.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Do you treat your servants better now that you're in a programme like this?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15They do get every second Sunday off.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Do you know if there's going to be any more series?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Because I'd love to carry on to, like, the '60s.
0:25:20 > 0:25:26That would be great, to have Hugh Bonneville just smoking pot and wearing tie-dye.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Yes, well, I can tell you there is another series about.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39And just to recap on Downton so far...
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Matthew has recovered from a broken spine.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45O'Brien got her own back on Lady Cora with a bar of soap.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Patrick, the original heir, returned
0:25:47 > 0:25:51- with a different face and a Canadian accent.- That's fair enough.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56Will Lord Grantham step out of the shower and realise it's all been a dream?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- Ssh. - KNOCKING AT THE DOOR
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Oh, somebody at the door.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I didn't know we had a door.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- We definitely don't have a door. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Sarah, my darling creature, it's not too late. I've missed you.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21In fact, pet, I've crumbled.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29To see again those rubescent lips,
0:26:29 > 0:26:31those mammorial mammories.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Those glowing orbs. My darling creature.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40Tell me, tell me you'll let me know again those embracing arms,
0:26:40 > 0:26:42those tumbling tresses.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Tell me, Sarah, you will.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Go on, now, go!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Walk out the door.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Turn around now, because you're not welcome any more.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- My darling, this is so unlike you.- You bastard!
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Callow and Phyllis Logan.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Well, that's all for tonight.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31We haven't had time to talk about Grange Hill.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34In one episode, a pupil overdosed on heroin.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Bloody hell, I thought Sheila Pullen was a wrong'un
0:27:37 > 0:27:40just because she spent all her dinner money on sherbet Dip Dabs.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45And Spooks has been ruined for me by the News of the World.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47We now know they don't need to knock out security,
0:27:47 > 0:27:51drug the guard dogs and dodge the lasers to get information.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54They just press one, two, three, four and listen to the voicemail.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58We haven't had time to talk about Misfits.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02One of the characters is a teenager who can turn invisible.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05That's not a super power, I was invisible at school for five years.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Goodnight.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd