0:00:22 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello, and welcome to my new show, all about television.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40I love television, it's taught me everything I know.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45I spend so much time with my TV, it's like family. Take EastEnders...
0:00:46 > 0:00:49EastEnders has taught me many things.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Turn off the baby monitor before shagging your neighbour!
0:00:57 > 0:01:01And at some point, we're all going to have to marry Ian Beale.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07TV shows help you to punctuate your day. Like The One Show.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13When you hear the music for The One Show, you know technically it's OK to start drinking.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22That's really resonated with you lot, hasn't it?
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Some of you are going, "Yeah, I knew that"
0:01:25 > 0:01:28and others are going, "Is that right? Can I start?"
0:01:28 > 0:01:31The One Show is described as a magazine show.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34You know, those magazines you can get that are about spiders,
0:01:34 > 0:01:38different types of ham and what JLS think of dry-stone walling.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Tonight I'm going to be talking about two of my favourite types of TV.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Survival shows and food programmes.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Although the closest I get to both is eating chips outside.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And I've done that.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05We all like watching cookery shows.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09It's like food porn. I'm not really interested in the making of it,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I just like the money shot at the end.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Nigella is shot like an episode of CSI, isn't it?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Only shot from the waist up!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I love those bits where she comes out in the night for a snack
0:02:23 > 0:02:25like a sexy badger.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I don't think being a TV chef can be very good for your health.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Poor Gordon Ramsay's got all those lines on his forehead
0:02:35 > 0:02:38from where he's been constantly looking under the grill.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I've always been picky though.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I remember watching the classic scene in Silence Of The Lambs
0:02:46 > 0:02:50when Hannibal Lecter says, "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I remember thinking, "Oh, I bet I wouldn't like fava beans."
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I'd have to hide them under my lettuce.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I don't like meals for one though.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09No, it's not that they make us feel lonely.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I just don't think they're big enough.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I love a family-sized anything.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I think they should have a range called Hungry.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24When we eat in pubs, my fella will only eat puddings
0:03:24 > 0:03:27if they've got the word 'explosion' or 'extravaganza' in the name.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Have you ever pretended you were waiting for a friend
0:03:32 > 0:03:35in a restaurant and eaten two dinners?
0:03:40 > 0:03:41No, me neither.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Does anyone in the room eat on their own regularly?
0:03:49 > 0:03:50A few people do?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Yeah, because I used to have a series of office jobs
0:03:53 > 0:03:55and I'd rather be alone in the park.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00I'm not paid for my lunch hour so I'm not spending it with those bell ends.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It comes to something when you'd rather risk getting flashed at
0:04:05 > 0:04:08than having to talk to "Computer John."
0:04:10 > 0:04:14By the way, if there is anyone watching from any of my old jobs, I don't mean you...
0:04:17 > 0:04:18..John...
0:04:20 > 0:04:21...in computers.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25My friend bought me something to cheer me up
0:04:25 > 0:04:27when I'm eating on my own.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29A bag of wobbly eyes.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34I'll show you what I mean, I've got my phone. I've taken some pictures.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35So this is the first one.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37That's a Creme Egg.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42But if you put the eyes on, you don't feel like you're on your own.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46And then the next one...
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Oh, that's not supposed to be there.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55And then, look at that custard slice. He looks nervous, doesn't he?
0:04:57 > 0:05:02And he's every bloody right to be nervous, look at the next one!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08So as well as knowing nothing about cooking,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I don't know much about wine either.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Although I do like watching those experts on the telly.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17What I need is a winey, which is very different from a wino.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Or so his agent promises me.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Here to help me learn some more
0:05:22 > 0:05:26is the resident wine critic from Saturday Kitchen and Iron Chef UK.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30He's got a firm body, nutty top notes and a lovely nose. It's Olly Smith.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38At last!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Hello.- Hello.- Thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- A massive pleasure to be here. - Oh, bless you.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Shall we watch a little clip of you in action. Can we watch that?
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Absolutely, fire away.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52With the clever addition of the squid from the sea,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I'm setting sail towards a white wine.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59And I'm selecting the rather fragrant Vina Costeira 2010.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01You could dab it behind your ears.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03APPLAUSE
0:06:07 > 0:06:09So, Olly...
0:06:09 > 0:06:14Do you ever worry that you're encouraging people to drink wine a bit early in the day?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Well, I think with a meal, if it's lunchtime, that's a good thing.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21It's not something that's just for a certain type of person,
0:06:21 > 0:06:25It's for people of all ages who enjoy good flavour. That's what it should be about.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Have you ever drank wine from a box?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Yes!- Oh.- Yeah.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31We shouldn't be snobby about the way wine reaches us.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I'd drink it out of an udder, as long as it tasted brilliant.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- That's milk, love.- Yes. - Just checking that you did know that.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43- You're not putting wine on your kids' Frosties or anything?- No.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- My mam used to have green pop on our Frosties.- Really? Green pop?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Yep, she's got no teeth. No, she has.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Is that Five Alive or what was the...
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Limeade, love.- Limeade.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58You've never taken a bottle back and got 10p, have you, love?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00HE MOUTHS
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Do you spit or swallow?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Do you start off by swallowing a few times to impress them,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12then after a while you just...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15spit it out cos you don't give a shit any more.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It... It all depends who I'm with.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19That's...
0:07:19 > 0:07:21That's a bloody good answer!
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I should be honest with you, I don't really like wine.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32You should try Sparkling Moscato.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35The best wine is always the fizzy ones, isn't it?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36- They're great...- That's a fact.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Or pair it with food
0:07:38 > 0:07:42cos quite often you get a different feeling and flavour when you pair up different types of food.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44You know, the meat and the fish,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46that sort of thing, but what about the kind of food I eat?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49A little bird told me about that, so I brought along a few examples.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Oh, OK. What have you got?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55First of all, I thought, I know you love your beans on toast.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56That's very true, you know me well.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59And it being a vaguely Italian dish, tomatoey, I thought...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- I always ask for this in Italian restaurants, I always do.- Do you?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Yeah.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I walk straight in and I go, "Sod your pizzas and your pasta.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10"Have you got any beans on toast?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14"As my friend Olly says, 'It's Italian.'"
0:08:14 > 0:08:18It's sort of vaguely Italian, yeah. So I've got an Italian red.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19OK.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21If you taste the wine and the flavours last
0:08:21 > 0:08:23after you've sipped, then that's a good wine.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25If they go right away, it's not terrible,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- it's just for chugging on a Tuesday night.- How long do they last?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Five, ten, twenty seconds.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Oh, I thought you meant the next day you're like, "Oh, I can still...
0:08:33 > 0:08:38"I can still feel that in the back of me throat. That is a good wine."
0:08:41 > 0:08:45For a long time, people likened wine to fruits and strawberries.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- It's quite off-putting. - Aw!- You don't like that one?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Tastes like petrol!
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Scampi in a basket.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Have you been spying on me?- A little.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Scampi in a basket?- Yep. - Now for that,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05maybe a lemonade to bring out the flavours of the fish?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I have got a drink that does in fact have lemonade in it.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- A pint of bitter shandy! - CHEERING
0:09:13 > 0:09:17That's genuinely the only alcoholic drink that I ever drink.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- That is awesome. - I've been spying on you.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- You have. I think I'm going to... - Give it a whirl.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I don't drink often, so it still hits us, so I'll have to be careful.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28If you like sweeter things, you should find a drink they'll do light.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Aw...
0:09:30 > 0:09:35Aw... It's like having a big wee when you've been dying for ages.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44The last time I had a pint of shandy, I went straight to Tesco's afterwards
0:09:44 > 0:09:48and I was a little bit giggly, I don't mind telling you.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49And I bought furniture polish,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53and I haven't even got any furniture that you can polish. That's how mental I am.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- I think you've convinced us. - Have I?- I think so.- Brilliant.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- Let's give him a round of applause. Thank you very much, Olly Smith. - Thank you. Hurrah.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I feel bloody hammered now.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17When it comes to TV shows,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20cookery and survival skills make up many of my favourites.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24When I first heard on This Morning that someone was cooking with Gino D'Acampo
0:10:24 > 0:10:28I thought it was a new type of outdoor travel stove.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34My phone died last week and I had to use a pay phone.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I felt like Bear Grylls.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39When I put the phone to my ear,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I realised someone had shoved a steak pie in the receiver.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44AUDIENCE GROAN
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Don't ask me how I know, it was definitely steak.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53When I first passed my driving test five years ago, my dad said,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57"You need to keep the following things in the boot of your car at all times.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59"A blanket, a shovel
0:10:59 > 0:11:01"and a flask."
0:11:01 > 0:11:04And he's right cos whenever I've killed a man, I'm always parched.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10He did add recently that in winter
0:11:10 > 0:11:13you should consider carrying two hessian sacks.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I said, "Why? In case you have a surplus of kittens?"
0:11:18 > 0:11:21AUDIENCE GROAN
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Hold on, sorry, it was OK to kill a man...
0:11:25 > 0:11:27..but leave the kittens alone?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31My parents were always very cautious when I was a child.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34When warning me off strangers, my mam would always say,
0:11:34 > 0:11:38"Don't go home with any strangers or Debbie's dad from across the way."
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Men compare survival skills by watching programmes about drinking water from plants
0:11:46 > 0:11:48and which animals are easiest to catch.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53All a woman needs is a photo of her ex, a match and Gloria Gaynor.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59The closest most people get to living in the wild is camping.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02The closest you'll get me to being in a tent
0:12:02 > 0:12:04is on a fat day when I've discarded the belt.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18We did go camping as a bairn. I remember wandering into the woods
0:12:18 > 0:12:20and finding some monkey nuts to eat.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23And years later a friend said, "Do you want a monkey nut?"
0:12:23 > 0:12:27I looked in the bag and went, "They're not monkey nuts."
0:12:31 > 0:12:34The best way to survive the desert or avalanches
0:12:34 > 0:12:37is to not go on such posh holidays.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40The only way you'll have to cut your arm off in Malaga
0:12:40 > 0:12:42is if you're one night stand is still lying on it.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Someone told me recently that a torch is a good thing to carry
0:12:52 > 0:12:54for safety. If someone attacks you,
0:12:54 > 0:12:58you shine it in their eyes and it will dazzle them so you can escape.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03So I bought one, and I casually refer to it as my rape torch.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Which I know sounds bad, like I'm helping them out a bit, doesn't it?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11"Oh, no, down there, love. Down there."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17What I really need here is an expert from the television
0:13:17 > 0:13:19to talk me through how to survive
0:13:19 > 0:13:21in the most extreme and hostile environments.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Like a Primark sale or when a new IKEA opens.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28And do you know what, we've got one.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of the Long Way Round
0:13:32 > 0:13:35and Extreme Frontiers, Charley Boorman.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- Come up to the sofa.- Thank you.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- It's so nice of you to come to my show.- Oh, you're welcome.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Thanks for having me as a guest. - My pleasure.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- Let's have a little look at you in action.- OK.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58This is pretty much, I think, the start of the Road Of Bones now.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00This is not going to look pretty.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03They were 12 of the most exciting hours of motorcycling
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I've ever, ever done in my life.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08CHARLEY GROANS
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Charley's really injured himself. This bit's beat us, actually.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14We're now part of a support crew's story, you know what I mean?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Please don't let anyone get hurt doing this.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- So is that fun for you, what that was, that clip there, was it?- Yeah.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28No, it was, I mean...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I suppose when we did Long Way Round, Ewan and I,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34it was something that we'd always wanted to do, this big adventure.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And I think all of us have a little bit of adventure in us
0:14:37 > 0:14:39and it doesn't matter what it is,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41but for us it was pushing motorbikes through rivers
0:14:41 > 0:14:44and making porn star noises.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Now you ride for a long period of time on your motorbike...
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Does your bum get sore?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53It... It...
0:14:54 > 0:14:56No, actually, it doesn't, but you do have to...
0:14:56 > 0:14:59When you're out in the middle of nowhere,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02going to the bathroom is always a bit of a problem.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05When you're riding through Africa, you sometimes get runny tummy.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08And if Ewan or I had runny tummies,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11you'd be riding along for hours and suddenly he'd pull over
0:15:11 > 0:15:15and run into the bushes holding a pack of baby wipes.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21But you do need to keep a clean bum when you're sitting on a bike
0:15:21 > 0:15:25for long periods of time cos you don't want a rashy bum.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28That's a good tip that we can all take home, isn't it?
0:15:28 > 0:15:33I think generally you should keep a clean bum all the time!
0:15:39 > 0:15:40One of the funnest things...
0:15:40 > 0:15:43There was a lot of odd food that you ate
0:15:43 > 0:15:44and there was no food in Mongolia
0:15:44 > 0:15:47so we were always kind of begging for food.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50You'd stop by little gers and they'd invite you in,
0:15:50 > 0:15:54and one day they invited us in for a cup of tea and they said, "Are you hungry?"
0:15:54 > 0:15:56And we said we'd love to eat something.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59They lifted this cauldron and there were 200 testicles.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Had you counted them? Was that how you...
0:16:03 > 0:16:06You'd just do them in pairs, wouldn't you?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09"Poor fella, poor fella, poor fella..."
0:16:09 > 0:16:11It was actually 199...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13199!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16They said, "Would you like one?" So we all had one.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Ewan's was actually quite small, mine was enormous.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20You're very...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22LAUGHTER You're very close to Ewan, aren't you?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I am very close to him, I have seen his lightsaber.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30When you travel with him, do you ever bicker?
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Sometimes, I mean we argued over the testicle, as to whose was bigger.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36What, like fought over it?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I managed to get it into my mouth and I must say, when you eat testicles
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- I mean, you bite them, they pop. - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:16:42 > 0:16:44It's what that pop represents,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46it's pretty horrible.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49To be honest, we complain when we've just got to hold them for a bit.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Now, it is really good talking to you
0:16:59 > 0:17:01but there is another survival expert that I know.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04He's not here, but he is at home,
0:17:04 > 0:17:10and through the magic of television and the internet, we can talk to him.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11So I'm going to put this on.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14They said they've got a lightweight contraption for me to wear
0:17:14 > 0:17:17so that he can see me.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Now, the person we're going to talk to...
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Huh!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Oh, I nearly went, "Oh, ya bugger." There we go.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31It's the man who taught me my life skills,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34like how to kill a dog with an umbrella.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39He's always prepared for any situation.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- You might learn something from him, Charley.- OK.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Please welcome my dad, Philip.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Hello.- Hi, Sarah.- Hello, Dad.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Say hello to the audience.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Hello, audience.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54ALL: Hello!
0:17:54 > 0:17:58It's the first time I've seen you on Skype with clothes on.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02He's normally stripped to the waist
0:18:02 > 0:18:04cos they've got the heating on full belt.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Now tell me...
0:18:05 > 0:18:08We've got Charley Boorman here, a survival expert,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11but you clearly know a bit about this sort of thing as well, don't you?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12I remember you taught us,
0:18:12 > 0:18:17when we were quite small, how to get out of a burning building.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- Charley, you've got kids.- Yeah.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21So if your kids were in a burning building,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23have you told them how to get out?
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Well, if the house is on fire, I've told them to get marshmallows.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28If the house is on fire...
0:18:31 > 0:18:34That's good cos you're being practical and they might be hungry.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37So, Dad, what was your advice you gave to me and my sister?
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Well, as you know, you had a bay window upstairs in the bedroom.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Oh, yeah, cos they're quite posh, you know.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48In the wardrobe used to be your rope.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Don't ask. Don't ask.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54You might want to know but I bloody don't.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59And I taught you to smash both windows out.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01How do you smash a double glazed window?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Well, you have to have something really sharp,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06like a big, glass ashtray.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08A big, glass ashtray?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Can you tell how the fire started?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20And all you do is tie your rope...
0:19:20 > 0:19:24fasten it, put it around your waist,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27then climb down the rope on the outside.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30What, I'm abseiling down the side of a building?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Where are you in this scenario?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Six miles under the North Sea in a coal mine.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I couldn't come out and help you.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Selfish!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47That's why I taught you,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49so you could do it without your dad there.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- But you would lower us down if you had been there.- Of course.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- But you wouldn't be able to do that now.- Why?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Well, you know, I've put a bit of beef on, Dad.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06And 30 years.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Do you not think I could still hold you, like?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16We might have to put it to the test next time I see you.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I'm not breaking any windows just to show you that!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Thank you very much, Dad.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Let's give him a round of applause.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Thanks, Dad, bye!- Thanks, see ya!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37So that is survival sorted.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I feel ready for the journey home across Manchester now.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Charley Boorman.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Thank you very much. You take care, now. Bye-bye.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Food and survival are intrinsically linked.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03My nana was a big woman, but always maintained it wasn't her fault.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08"I've just got to walk past a cream cake shop and I put weight on."
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Yet in her bag she always carried an emergency pasty.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I was on Saturday Kitchen last year
0:21:19 > 0:21:22and put myself in quite a compromising position.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I didn't know the maximum amount of Michelin stars you can have is three.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29So they said, about the chef, "He's got one Michelin star."
0:21:29 > 0:21:33And I thought, "Oh, I wouldn't brag about that. I've had reviews like that."
0:21:35 > 0:21:39My food tastes are a bit simpler. I love an offer in a supermarket.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I love a woop sticker.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45You know those stickers they put on food in the supermarkets when it's about to go off.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Cabinet full of foods with woop stickers on!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50It's like the last hour in a nightclub.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55"Please take me home."
0:21:55 > 0:21:57"This is me last chance."
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I don't have a very dangerous life.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06But give us a chicken breast with literally hours left to eat it...
0:22:07 > 0:22:09..and my life becomes like 24.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13I've got a friend who loves a woop sticker too.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15And I once went to hers and she was making a Thai green curry
0:22:15 > 0:22:17with sausages.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I do quite like cheap supermarkets.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26They all do adverts trying to be like the Marks & Spencer's one now.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Have you noticed that's all posh and sexy?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31They just need to change the wording a bit.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35You know Marks' adverts say, "It's not just chicken..."
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Yeah, that's my sexy voice, shut up.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I feel sorry for my boyfriend.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43"Put it in there."
0:22:48 > 0:22:51So the Marks' ones say, "It's not just chicken..."
0:22:51 > 0:22:52I think the Aldi ones should say,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55"It's not...quite chicken."
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I love a tin of sweets at Christmas.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Some families are Quality Street families, some favour Roses,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07where you do both.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I read last Christmas that there are fewer sweets in them now
0:23:10 > 0:23:12than ever before.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15When I say read, I mean counted.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23My favourite food programme recently is definitely
0:23:23 > 0:23:25The Great British Bake Off.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I love that show
0:23:28 > 0:23:31cos sometimes when Paul Hollywood makes things with his hands,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33it's quite erotic.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36When he smacks that dough...
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I've never wanted to be dough so much in my life.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42He likes big baps and he cannot lie.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46That's right, he's the star of The Great British Bake Off,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48please welcome Paul Hollywood.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Hello. How are you doing? Thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- Pleasure.- Welcome to the show.
0:23:58 > 0:24:03Now, you were one of the finalists in Heat's Weird Crush poll.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Did you know this? - Er... I did hear, yes.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I don't know how you didn't win.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10They mustn't have been getting all of my entries.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16And you have turned into something of a sex symbol, haven't you? Let's...
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I think I can see why.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19# Want to get rowdy
0:24:19 > 0:24:22# Going to get a little unruly
0:24:22 > 0:24:24# Get it fired up in a hurry
0:24:24 > 0:24:25# Want to get dirty
0:24:25 > 0:24:27# It's about time that I came to start the... #
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Come on!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31# Sweat dripping over my body
0:24:31 > 0:24:34# Dance and getting a little naughty
0:24:34 > 0:24:35# Want to get dirty
0:24:35 > 0:24:38# It's about time for my arrival. #
0:24:38 > 0:24:42So what you're looking for is that.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Where did you find that from?!
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Where did we find them from?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53We cut them together from my own personal collection.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Now, you can mix butter icing with your hands, can't you?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Apparently yes, I can. It's simple. It's just throwing everything in.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03But I'm not really bothered about how to make butter icing.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07I just want to know how to make my hand go that fast.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Cos while you're whisking up butter icing,
0:25:14 > 0:25:16women at home are all creaming their pants.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Can you show me how to make some scones?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I'll make you a quick scone, I want you to do it.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- Now, I want you to be my sous chef, all right?- Oh, OK.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32- So, if I give you an apron.- Have I got a pinny? OK. Thank you. Oh, God.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35There's your hat. If I stick that to sit on the back...
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Your skullcap.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Like that.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43- Dinner lady.- Part me hair. I've got dinner lady arms, so...
0:25:44 > 0:25:47What we're going to do, get your hands in there, squeeze it first.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Right, squeeze it off.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50And you just basically...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55If you were a bread, what kind would you be?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Cos I think Mary Berry might be like a sour dough.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- What would you be?- I'd be a baguette.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- I'd be... I think I'd be a crusty bloomer.- A crusty bloomer?
0:26:13 > 0:26:17- Oh, the crusty bloomers. - The crusty bloomers...
0:26:17 > 0:26:20OK, all I'm doing, I'm adding the milk now, and I'm turning
0:26:20 > 0:26:24this flour into a very basic scone mix,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- and it's soft and you can see the way it is now.- Yes, I can.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- Now, that... - LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:31What, that weren't even rude!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I'm going to tip this mess out onto there, all right?
0:26:36 > 0:26:40That's the basic scone mix and it's quite a wet mix.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Now, what I need to do, is just shape it into a ball.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Now, obviously scone, I'd prefer it wet than dry, if...
0:26:50 > 0:26:53If the dough, if it's too dry, it doesn't work.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57- Dry's not good, is it?- No.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- In scone, what we do is chaff, so it's a light gentle fold.- OK.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04All right? So it's a nice...
0:27:08 > 0:27:14# Oh, my love
0:27:14 > 0:27:18# My darling
0:27:18 > 0:27:25# I've hungered for your touch
0:27:25 > 0:27:29# A long lonely time... #
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Thank you very much, let's give a big round of applause for Paul Hollywood.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Thank you very much, love. Thank you.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45That's it for tonight.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47I wish I had more time to talk about my love of cooking.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52It's one of my favourite things. There's nothing I like more than watching someone do the cooking.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56We didn't have time to talk about microwave food,
0:27:56 > 0:27:57which is ironic.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Or tapas. It's not a meal.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Just a load of trailers for a meal!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Now, souffles are a lot like boyfriends.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12You can always try again,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15but it's annoying thinking about the time and eggs
0:28:15 > 0:28:16you wasted on the last one.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23And if the show was longer,
0:28:23 > 0:28:25I would also like to have covered James Martin...
0:28:29 > 0:28:31..in mascarpone.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Good night.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd