0:00:19 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to my new show
0:00:36 > 0:00:42where I celebrate my love of all things TV and pray that it never leaves me.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- Don't leave me, TV. - LAUGHTER
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- I'm having your baby. - LAUGHTER
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I love television. It's taught me everything I know.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54When I'm watching Casualty, I like to add a bit of realism
0:00:54 > 0:00:58- by waiting for six hours on a plastic chair before I watch it. - LAUGHTER
0:00:58 > 0:01:02On MasterChef, Gregg Wallace really knows a thing or two about ingredients.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07- People are constantly trying to dip soldiers in his head. - LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:10They always say, "Cooking doesn't get tougher than this". Oh, really?
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Try making a roast dinner for eight people with your mother-in-law standing over your shoulder saying,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- "Oh, you make gravy like that, do you?" - LAUGHTER
0:01:18 > 0:01:21APPLAUSE
0:01:25 > 0:01:30Tonight I'm going to be talking about some of my favourite TV programmes - makeover shows.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34You know, like property or going through people's wardrobes.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I'd like to see a property show where they decorate your house
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- in a really disgusting way just for a laugh. - LAUGHTER
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Whatever happened to Changing Rooms?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:48I'm not very domesticated and a bit of a hoarder.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52I read that the secret to creating the illusion of space is decluttering.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- I might just get rid of the oven. - LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:02:01The rule is, anything you haven't touched in the last six months, dump it. Or him, as the case may be.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:07When I was clearing out my kitchen cupboards, I found a Christmas pudding from 1988.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- LAUGHTER - It was fine with a bit of custard on.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:18I've only ever made one cake and it was for my ex-husband. That's not the reason that he's ex, by the way.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22It's probably one of the reasons. He said, "That'll be lovely with a bit of custard on".
0:02:22 > 0:02:26When people offer to put custard on something, it's never a compliment, is it?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Imagine the first night in bed with a new partner
0:02:29 > 0:02:33and he looks at your whojamiwatsit and says, "That'd be lovely with a bit of custard on."
0:02:33 > 0:02:37LAUGHTER
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Well, why's that, then? "It's a bit dry."
0:02:39 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- And whose fault's that? - LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:50APPLAUSE
0:02:53 > 0:02:59I also found a tin of marrowfat peas that I'd won in a raffle in 1995.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- I was clearly keeping them for Armageddon. - LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:06I mean the real thing, I don't mean just sitting down to watch a Bruce Willis film,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09thinking, "You know what would go perfect with this?"
0:03:09 > 0:03:14- "Really old marrowfat peas." - LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I've also got a pineapple cutter.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20It produces pineapple rings in a big sort of pineapple dildo.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Or Louie Spence as he's known. - LAUGHTER
0:03:25 > 0:03:28APPLAUSE
0:03:30 > 0:03:34I'm not home much these days. I spend a lot of time in hotel rooms on tour
0:03:34 > 0:03:38and all I really want when I get in is a bath with my book and a cup of tea.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42I stayed in a hotel in Bristol and when I got into my room, there was only a shower.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47- So I rang down, and that's rang with a telephone, I didn't run down. - LAUGHTER
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Bloody idiot. - LAUGHTER
0:03:49 > 0:03:53I rang down and said, "Is there any chance I could swap to a room with a bath?"
0:03:53 > 0:03:56The fella said, "There are no baths in this building
0:03:56 > 0:04:00"but there is an Apple Mac in every room."
0:04:00 > 0:04:02LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I said, "Well, unless there's a bath app..."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08LAUGHTER
0:04:08 > 0:04:10"..I'm not really interested."
0:04:10 > 0:04:15So I did what you'd all do if you were in a hotel room with time on your hands.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20I put the glass over the plughole and thought, "Well, I'll see how high I can get the shower, then".
0:04:20 > 0:04:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- I got it about a foot high. - LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:33But my book was ruined and my tea just tasted of warm water.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I live in a small flat and I'm thinking of moving at the moment.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44I viewed a flat once that had windows painted on the living room wall, painted on.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I didn't know they had wildebeest in Gateshead.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- LAUGHTER - Well, mebbes on a Saturday night.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- LAUGHTER - That's not going to fool you, though, is it?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56It's like being lonely and painting a person on the wall.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- LAUGHTER - Or being horny
0:04:58 > 0:05:03- and having a cardboard cut-out of Dermot O'Leary. - LAUGHTER
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- I imagine. - LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:16I went to see one place that the estate agent described as "a single man's flat lacking a woman's touch".
0:05:16 > 0:05:21The living room had a telly and computer pulled really close to an armchair
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- with a pair of underpants in a bag underneath. - LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:30- Behold the Wankertron 3000! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Lacking a woman's touch? What, the flat or the owner?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:40You know, what I need is an expert off the telly to help me through all things domestic.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- She's touched up more old wrecks than Catherine Zeta Jones. - LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:50Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome star of Beeny's Restoration Nightmare, Sarah Beeny!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Now, there's not much you don't know about property makeovers. Let's have a look at you in action.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Graham and Sarah decide to vent their frustration...
0:06:16 > 0:06:19..by unblocking the original alcove.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25It's very therapeutic, smashing a wall down, I have to say.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Wow.
0:06:29 > 0:06:34What do you think it is about property advice that men find so sexy?
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- LAUGHTER - I think they think I'm really, really strict and I think...
0:06:38 > 0:06:40SHE LAUGHS
0:06:40 > 0:06:44They think I'm going to say, "You need to get your drill out
0:06:44 > 0:06:47"and get your hammer out and do as you're told!"
0:06:47 > 0:06:52- And you quite rightly just save that for your husband, don't you? - LAUGHTER
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Let's have a look at the house. Look at that. Wow.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Does it not just feel a little bit like you're living in Downton Abbey?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Do you ever shout for people to bring you biscuits?- I do.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- It's got 97 rooms.- Yeah. - How many of those are toilets?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I'm a little bit obsessed with toilets, actually.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15- Cos I like them to not look like... - We've got a photo of one of your toilets.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- That, to me, just looks like a chair.- Yeah. That was the plan.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24But is that a good plan? You can't run over that with a Flash wipe. You'd have to get your Pledge out.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:30You've got... It looks really grand, and then you've got a little bin in the corner
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- with what looks like a Sainsbury's bag.- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:36That is a bad look.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:42People ask your advice a lot. Why don't they ask the proper questions like,
0:07:42 > 0:07:46"Should I move in with my boyfriend even though my flat's better?"
0:07:46 > 0:07:51- Do you know, they do.- Do they? - Because I also... I have a property website and I have a dating website.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56- So you can combine the two. - Yeah. Cos I'm thinking, now that we've got a property website,
0:07:56 > 0:08:01you can buy and sell houses, and a dating website where you can meet someone, and a wedding venue,
0:08:01 > 0:08:06- all I need to do is funerals and I've pretty much cleaned up. - LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:12Maybe you could cast your expert eye over some of these pictures we found on property websites.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Have a look at this one advertising a flat in a converted church.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I didn't even know Jeremy Clarkson was moving, did you?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:31 > 0:08:34And we've got another one. Let's have a look.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- Now... Oh, yeah, people have spotted it. People have spotted it. - LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:41If you have a quick glance out of the window...
0:08:41 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:46..you can see a dog burying a bone there.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49LAUGHTER
0:08:49 > 0:08:52And we've got the next one.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Now, you might not be able to spot it straight away. Has anybody spotted it? Yep.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Look in the mirror.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER
0:09:05 > 0:09:11But to be fair, at least we know the heating's working all right.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER
0:09:15 > 0:09:19You've had quite a tough time on Restoration Nightmares. You're still renovating.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24- We've pretty much finished the house now.- We've got a shot of one of the finished room. Let's have a look.
0:09:24 > 0:09:29- Hm. That's finished, is it? - LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:35Well, just... I mean, if you don't mind, the picture on the left, you've got the string showing.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40My dad always did it straight across the back really tight so you can't see the string. It's untidy.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45- And you've got, like, half a table popping out there. - LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:50- I'm assuming to other half's in the other room, is it? - LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:54And I don't know what's on your telly on the right, but it looks like a very old programme.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Basically, if I'd designed this, this is how it would look.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:09So you've got a hot tub there, an ironing board already up, just for ease.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11LAUGHTER
0:10:11 > 0:10:16And if you can see, on the right out the window, we've got the dogs for you.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I've also got the man with his cock out on the left.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Actually, you know, I wasn't thinking that we'd be able to sell the house before,
0:10:29 > 0:10:34- but now I'm thinking we need you in. - You're welcome. - LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:39So that is property sorted. Ladies and gentlemen, big round of applause for Sarah Beeny!
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you!
0:10:49 > 0:10:54Now, I watch Cash In The Attic but wouldn't want them rummaging around at mine.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I don't have an attic, just a spare room
0:10:56 > 0:10:59with a Christmas tree still full decorated.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- LAUGHTER - And boxes of knackered vibrators.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- It's where sex goes to die. - LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- Like Sex Toy Story 4. - LAUGHTER
0:11:11 > 0:11:15All the vibrators just chat and say, "No, she loved me the most".
0:11:15 > 0:11:18LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:23It's awkward when people buy you things for your flat, especially your partner.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27I had flu last year and my boyfriend said he was going to get me a present to cheer me up.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31How lovely. I'm quite easy to cheer up. I like flowers and chocolates.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35My favourite flowers are daffodils, which were in season at the time
0:11:35 > 0:11:38and were everywhere in buckets for £1.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43Chocolate-wise, I'm quite happy with a Twix or a Twirl. You're talking £1.60 and I'm champion.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- LAUGHTER - He chose to disregard that relevant information
0:11:46 > 0:11:51and came home with something that he thought was entirely appropriate, which was a Mr Potato Head.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- I still don't really know why. - LAUGHTER
0:11:56 > 0:12:00But ironically, when I opened it, I wanted to rearrange his bloody face.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02LAUGHTER
0:12:02 > 0:12:07People are responding to the recession in different ways. I quite fancy joining the WI.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12In my head, it's just sewing badly while drinking tea with women in their 50s.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16But I've heard it's quite strict. Especially the competitions.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18My friend's mam once made a Victoria sponge
0:12:18 > 0:12:23in a category where she was the only entrant. She wasn't even placed.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- LAUGHTER - That's harsh.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Record numbers of men have taken up knitting recently.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Apparently the reason they like it so much is the repetition of movement.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37LAUGHTER
0:12:37 > 0:12:41In these times of austerity, what I need is an expert
0:12:41 > 0:12:43to teach us how we can pull our horns in.
0:12:43 > 0:12:49So coming to us direct from the city of London, please welcome BBC business editor Robert Peston.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Hello, Robert. Thank you very much for joining us.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Great pleasure, Sarah.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02You're the man who broke the news of the financial crash to the nation,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05secured numerous groundbreaking scoops.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09But what I really want to know is, are you really 51?
0:13:09 > 0:13:15- LAUGHTER - How do you stay looking so young, flower?
0:13:15 > 0:13:20I'm told there's a painting in the attic somewhere, I'm not sure. LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Now, I'm sure we've all introduced our own austerity measures at home.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28You know, buying own-brand jaffa cakes,
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- splitting the ply of the toilet roll so it lasts us twice as long. - LAUGHTER
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Have you placed any austerity measures at home?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Oh, blimey. Erm... LAUGHTER
0:13:38 > 0:13:43- Is that a no?- I'll tell you what I have started doing.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I have started to make my own bread and it is much, much cheaper
0:13:47 > 0:13:50than bought bread and so much nicer.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Do you use a bread-maker? - I do use a break-maker.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- Was the bread-maker very expensive? - LAUGHTER
0:13:56 > 0:14:00I knew you were going to get onto that. APPLAUSE
0:14:00 > 0:14:06As a business editor, I have calculated the cost of each loaf,
0:14:06 > 0:14:13taking into account the depreciation of the bread-maker, and I can tell you, it's still very good value.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18- I bet you've done a spreadsheet, haven't you, flower?- I'll send you it. Would you like to see it?
0:14:18 > 0:14:23- No. - LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:26The national debt, we owe £1.1 trillion.
0:14:26 > 0:14:33That's nearly £16,000 per person. Who's been spending all of that?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- The audience don't look like they've been spending £16,000. - LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- Not on their outfits, anyway. - LAUGHTER
0:14:43 > 0:14:49You and me, all of us, actually our indebtedness is bigger than the government's debt.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54But the national debt is going up by about £5,000 per second.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Who the hell did we borrow the money off, Wonga.com?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:04All this money's been lost, effectively.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09Has anyone ever asked a woman to look for the money? Because women are better at finding things.
0:15:09 > 0:15:14Well, one of the things I did point out two or three years ago is
0:15:14 > 0:15:17if you look at the people who got us into this mess,
0:15:17 > 0:15:22almost all of them are men, so I think it's perfectly reasonable to say men are to blame,
0:15:22 > 0:15:27and maybe, actually, if women had been in charge, we wouldn't be in such dire straits.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:31 > 0:15:37The World Bank. Now, we're currently in Manchester. Where's the closet branch?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:43The World Bank, you've got to go to Washington, I'm afraid. Sorry.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Oh, really? The one in Tyne and Wear? - LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Why do you want to go to the World Bank?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Just in case they did free balance transfers.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Now, I reckon, cos everybody is a member of a gym they don't go to,
0:15:59 > 0:16:04if we all cancelled simultaneously, would that clear the national debt?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:06 > 0:16:11What about people like me who just aren't stupid enough to join a gym in the first place?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- You're the bright one. - Excellent!- You know what you want.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- Will you write that on a bit of paper and show my mam? - LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:23- I've got my own theory of why Greece went bust. Do you want to hear it? - Please.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Erm, it's because they didn't use the optics to pour spirits during the 90s.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:33For a laugh, have you ever been tempted to get a wheelbarrow full of fake money
0:16:33 > 0:16:37and rush out of a bank shouting, "They've collapsed! Save yourselves!"?
0:16:37 > 0:16:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:43 > 0:16:47It has to be said, occasionally people who want to be mean to me
0:16:47 > 0:16:53re-show a clip of me on the Ten O'clock News at the height of the crisis,
0:16:53 > 0:16:57and I made some remark about how, in this moment of crisis,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00we should all be investing in shotguns and baked beans,
0:17:00 > 0:17:04which unfortunately one or two people took seriously, I think.
0:17:04 > 0:17:09If you had the shotguns, you wouldn't need the beans. That's why they didn't take you seriously.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Thank you so much for coming on the show, Robert.
0:17:11 > 0:17:17So what you're basically saying, in summary, is we're screwed over the bins out the back.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- But it could be worse! - It could be worse. Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Peston!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I love shows like How To Look Good Naked.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37I'm lucky enough to have met Gok Wan and it was so hard not to get my bangers out
0:17:37 > 0:17:41and shout, "Thanks for letting us have wobbly bits!"
0:17:41 > 0:17:46Men don't really watch Gok's shows, which is weird as the women are naked.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50I think to some men, naked women aren't as sexy if they're empowered.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- That's not really a joke, it's just a bloody good point, isn't it? - LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Plus, a lot of men aren't that bothered about clothes.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02- Gok should do an equivalent for men, How To Smell Good Naked. - LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Please! - LAUGHTER
0:18:05 > 0:18:09I always watch Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model with a big plate of food.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12And sometimes try to feed chips through the telly screen.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:19But I have learnt a lot from it. My boyfriend wanted to take some saucy pics of me
0:18:19 > 0:18:21and I was worried about what to do with my face.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- I know what to do with the rest, I'm not stupid. - LAUGHTER
0:18:25 > 0:18:29But thanks to Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model I have a few different faces.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34- I know the one you're definitely not supposed to do, which is this one. - LAUGHTER
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I wanted to have a look at the photos to see what I look like.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42- Turns out my head wasn't on any of them. - LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I do like going shopping but I don't like shop assistants.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51I don't like the ones that are overly helpful. I find it very claustrophobic.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- "Look, I just want to touch your jumpers." - LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:18:59So I make them regret their helpfulness.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02When they say, "Would you like the receipt in the bag?"
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I say, "No, actually, could you post it to my accountant, please?"
0:19:05 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I've had a few bad experiences in fitting rooms.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14I once had to get cut out of a dress in Monsoon.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:17 > 0:19:20It's never a good day.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23The woman said, "Stop crying, I'm going to get some scissors."
0:19:23 > 0:19:27LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Whenever I hear on the news, "Monsoon kills seven"...
0:19:31 > 0:19:35APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:41..I'm never that surprised.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44It's probably suicide from the embarrassment.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49So, let me ask the audience, what's the worst experience you've ever had in a fitting room?
0:19:49 > 0:19:54We've got a lovely lady there with a nice sparkly scarf. Get the MilliCam, my little camera.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Just hold that, love. Oh, she's done this before, she's done it at a good height.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Don't do it too low, good height, excellent.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06- What's your name, love?- Helen. - Hello, Helen, and what was your story about the fitting room?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Well, I've always been a big girl. But when I got married, I was slightly slimmer than I am now.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I was a size 16. Well-rounded.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So when I went to try my wedding dress on,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19we went into a beautiful wedding place
0:20:19 > 0:20:24and the lady said, "We've only got size 14 dresses."
0:20:24 > 0:20:28And I said, "OK." She said, "But we'll try." So she took me into the fitting room.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33And she put me in this beautiful wedding gown and it had laces at the back
0:20:33 > 0:20:38and she struggled and struggled and got me into this size 14 dress.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43And she turned me round and my breasts were hanging out.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:48 > 0:20:54She then turned round and went, "Oh, you are well-endowed, we need to sort those puppies out,"
0:20:54 > 0:20:57and proceeded to man-handle them into my dress.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02- Tell me this ends by you punching her. - LAUGHTER
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Erm, no, it ended with me buying the dress. LAUGHTER
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- Wow! Really?- Yes, really.
0:21:09 > 0:21:15- Is this your fella beside you? - Yeah.- Wow, you lucky, lucky man. - LAUGHTER
0:21:15 > 0:21:19That is a great story. Thanks very much, give her a round of applause!
0:21:19 > 0:21:23APPLAUSE
0:21:24 > 0:21:29I took some clothes into a fitting room in Marks and Spencer a few months ago
0:21:29 > 0:21:32and the woman took me to the cubicle and she gave me the tag.
0:21:32 > 0:21:39- And she said, "Just give me a shout if you need any bigger sizes." - LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:46So I swished the curtain back really fast and said, "I think you'll find you mean different, you bitch!"
0:21:46 > 0:21:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:55 > 0:21:58But the lights in fitting rooms are never very flattering, are they?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Well, now I know that I'd look great in a fridge or a hospital.
0:22:02 > 0:22:07- But those lights are very good for plucking your tash. - LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- Sometimes it's the only reason I go in. - LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:17I heard a story about a woman who trimmed her pubes and put the clippings in an M&S bag.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22- A month later she needed to return a pair of shoes. - LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:27Put them in the M&S bag, took them back. You've got to think on your feet when things like that happen.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30"And why are you returning them?"
0:22:30 > 0:22:35- Cos they're covered in pubes. - LAUGHTER
0:22:37 > 0:22:40So when it comes to fashion, I need all the help I can get.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44I want an expert from the telly. I'm not going to ask you lot, am I?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Please welcome the star of Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model
0:22:47 > 0:22:52and chief inspector of the fashion police, superstar designer Julien Macdonald.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- Hello, lovely man.- Hello. - Hello, lovely to see you.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Hello, hello, hello. Thank you very much for joining us on the show.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Must have been hard for you to get into fashion cos you grew in Merthyr Tydfil.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13- I did indeed. - Did you ever vajazzle a miner? - LAUGHTER
0:23:13 > 0:23:17- ER, ER not OR. ER. - LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Now you, as a designer, you've got to look great all the time.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Do you ever sneak out to the supermarket just in your jim-jams?
0:23:25 > 0:23:30- No. Never.- Not ever? I've picked up a curry once with no bra on. - LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:36That must have been spicy! LAUGHTER
0:23:36 > 0:23:41- I brought some of my clothes for you to have a look at.- Wow!- So you can tell me what you think. Is that OK?
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- Are these them?- Yeah. Let's do this.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I'm being very brave doing this.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- Wow! So this is it.- Yes.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Well, you could've made more of an effort really, couldn't you?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- I've brought some of my best bits! - What's this?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Well, it's got cats on it and I like cats.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04I didn't... I actually didn't know you were a pussy woman.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER
0:24:08 > 0:24:14- My friend said to me, "That's your I'm going to die alone top." - LAUGHTER
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I said, "But I won't, though, because I'll have all of my friends with us."
0:24:18 > 0:24:23- LAUGHTER - Do you not approve of animals on clothes.- Oh, yeah, I love animals.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I'm wearing animals, as well, but we won't go into that.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28LAUGHTER
0:24:28 > 0:24:35Now what is this gorgeous brown smock? LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:38The word smock is never a compliment, is it?
0:24:38 > 0:24:42See, I like it but it does look a little bit like a sofa, doesn't it?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Well, I would say like a brown sack, myself.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50- Well, maybe I'm not as rude as you. - LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Oh, my gosh!
0:24:57 > 0:25:01- And I didn't buy them at the same time. - You do like a shift, don't you?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- I love a shift. Sometimes I'm dying for a shift. - LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:11- What could I wear that with? - Well, obviously, you should wear it with your favourite thing
0:25:11 > 0:25:14cos there's about 100 pairs of these gorgeous black leggings.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18There's some jeggings in there but I've only worn them once cos they're a bit thrushy.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER What is this you've got, the Hitman Roadshow?
0:25:23 > 0:25:27This is a 22-year-old T-shirt from when I saw Jason Donovan when I was 14,
0:25:27 > 0:25:32- I can't get rid of that.- Well, you've changed a lot since then. You've got a bit larger, I think.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34LAUGHTER
0:25:34 > 0:25:40I was 14, yeah, I hadn't finished growing. I didn't have boobs or anything then.
0:25:40 > 0:25:46- Oh, a little bow. - Oh, you might like this cos I think this is my first designer piece.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51- This is a Ted Rogers, Baker. - Ted Baker. LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:55I don't think Ted Rogers does a range of clothes.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58APPLAUSE
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Thank you very much for the makeover, but I have the perfect outfit for you.
0:26:06 > 0:26:13Er, you will never have felt more comfortable or looked more fantastic than in this next outfit.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Are you ready? Can I show you?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Well, I normally do the makeover. - It's my turn now.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- LAUGHTER - He said I was large.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25There's nothing the matter with being large anyway.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- I'm just... I'm just... - LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:34I'm just sort of normal woman size, it's just you're used to dealing with children.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Come with me. Let me show you something. Come round here.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- Oh, here we go.- Come round this way.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48OK.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51So you've got to get your outfit on, flower.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- I'm just going to take some bits off first, obviously. - LAUGHTER
0:26:59 > 0:27:01That's, er, massive knickers.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04CHEERING AND LAUGHTER # I'm sexy and I know it
0:27:05 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:10 > 0:27:12APPLAUSE
0:27:18 > 0:27:21CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:25# Too many broken hearts in the world
0:27:25 > 0:27:30# There's too many dreams can be broken in two
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# Too many broken hearts in the world
0:27:33 > 0:27:37# So I won't give up the fight for you
0:27:37 > 0:27:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:47There you go, Julien, comfy is the new black.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- Thank you very much, Julien Macdonald. - APPLAUSE
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Thank you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:59That's it for tonight.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I wish I had more time to talk about shows like A Place In The Sun,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05where people move their whole family abroad for a better life
0:28:05 > 0:28:08and then realise the problem was their family.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11LAUGHTER
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I didn't have time to talk about What Not To Eat.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18I love that show but I prefer to watch it backwards.
0:28:18 > 0:28:23- That way it ends with a happy person looking at a table full of food. - LAUGHTER
0:28:23 > 0:28:30And Supersize vs Superskinny. Great TV show, terrible sumo wrestling match.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- Good night. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:39 > 0:28:39.