0:00:19 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Hello!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40where I tell TV, I love it,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42and then get jealous that it's seeing other presenters.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I love television - it's taught me everything I know.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I love The Apprentice...
0:00:47 > 0:00:51a show where Lord Sugar fires people who don't actually work for him.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57It's like me ringing Colin Firth and saying, "It's not you, it's me."
0:01:00 > 0:01:03When they get fired, they have to get straight in a taxi,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06which, ironically, is driven by the bloke who won Series 3.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I love Total Wipeout.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11It's pure light entertainment.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14It's lots of people falling off things into water.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Basically, You've Been Drowned.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Richard Hammond mocking people for minor mishaps...
0:01:21 > 0:01:24it's like George Michael criticising your parking.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I've learned much while watching Crimewatch.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31If you're going to commit a major crime,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33get your hair done and put some lippy on,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35so you don't look like shite in the reconstruction.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Basically, on Crimewatch,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42it's the police, saying, "We can't do this, can you help us out?"
0:01:44 > 0:01:46It would be like on Embarrassing Bodies, the doctor saying,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48"Do you know what the hell this is?"
0:01:50 > 0:01:52"Shall we just cut it off?"
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Tonight, I'm going to talk about two different types of TV programmes -
0:02:05 > 0:02:07sport and entertainment.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I don't mean when you watch someone do the long jump,
0:02:10 > 0:02:11and there's dog dirt in the sand.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Sport is on telly all the time, you just can't avoid it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18It's like PE at school.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Remember in the infant school,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23when you just wore vests and pants for PE?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26One summer day, I was wearing a sundress with no vest,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29so, when it came to PE, I was just wearing pants.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30None of them found me a vest.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35The teacher made everyone do it just in their pants.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I'm pretty sure if I could remember her name,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I could get her arrested...
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Mrs Pullin.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48People say PE lessons are a valuable preparation for life.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Yes, without PE, your first experience
0:02:50 > 0:02:52of standing crying in your pants
0:02:52 > 0:02:53would be in your 30s,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55in a fitting room, in Top Shop.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I hated the communal showers in PE.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06I didn't need a shower anyway,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08because I never got picked for anything.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I just put things away at the end.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Honestly, how much of a sweat can I work up,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16putting hockey sticks back in a cupboard?
0:03:17 > 0:03:21According to statistics, PE was most people's worst experience at school.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24It came ahead of bullying!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27"Please punch me in the face - it'll get me out of rounders."
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I wasn't a very good swimmer.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33When we did our 25 metres,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36the pool that we did it in was really small,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39so we had to do corner to corner to corner to corner.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I've never been very good at swimming on my front -
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I've always been better on my back.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I was so nervous of hitting my head, that I turned too quickly,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51so instead of getting a 25 metres badge,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54they gave me a certificate for 10 metres,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57as I'd just done a little circle in the middle.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I was better than my friend, Debbie, though.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04She was so rubbish at swimming, she didn't think anyone would notice
0:04:04 > 0:04:06if she just walked across the pool.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09As long as she did the arms.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14It was so tragic that nobody had the heart to tell her
0:04:14 > 0:04:17that we could see her legs because it was water!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21She was like a rubbish Jesus!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26They let us try fancy sports at school,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28and I found out I'm pretty good at javelin.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33But it turns out it's judged on distance, not height.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I was also good at darts as a child.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I nearly always hit the wooden square on the wall
0:04:41 > 0:04:44and, occasionally, the round felt bit in the middle.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46That was at an after-school club we had called Tiddlers,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49where we'd drink tea,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51watch old films and play darts.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55I've got a horrible feeling that I was dropped off at an old people's home.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01In netball, it was always the popular girls
0:05:01 > 0:05:05that were asked to pick teams, and I was usually picked last.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07There was even a time when one team decided
0:05:07 > 0:05:10they would rather be a man down than have me on their side.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:05:12 > 0:05:16But once, just once, the teacher asked me if I'd like to pick a team.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Of course I bloody did.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24So I picked every girl in that class who had glasses or an inhaler...
0:05:28 > 0:05:32..a wonky eye, club feet, braces or a sling.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I built myself a team of mutants.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Or as I like to call them, my friends.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45We'll trip people up with our crutches.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48We'll see the ball better with our jam-jar glasses.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53We'll obscure the opponent's vision with our massive perms.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58If this was a Hollywood film, we would've won,
0:05:58 > 0:05:59but it wasn't -
0:05:59 > 0:06:02it was a comprehensive school in South Shields.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04We got slaughtered.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06For most of those girls,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08it was the first time they'd held a netball
0:06:08 > 0:06:10when not putting it in a cupboard.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Some people continue doing PE as an adult.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Some people even hire personal trainers to be mean to them
0:06:18 > 0:06:20and motivate them to lose weight.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Or you could just get married to the wrong man.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28The last time I was in a gym, they were called leisure centres.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I was only really interested in vending machines.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38But to be fair, you can work up a sweat
0:06:38 > 0:06:41if your Double Decker gets stuck and you have to shake it loose.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48A friend of mine once saw a woman Immac-ing her nunnie
0:06:48 > 0:06:51in the changing room at the gym.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53She popped it on, but you know you've got to keep them separate.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58She had her legs apart for 15 minutes while it worked.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Another friend saw a man on a treadmill eating a Happy Meal.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08With the Olympics coming up,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10people will get motivated to be more active.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I feel the same when Wimbledon starts and I want to play tennis.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Or when Delia Smith's on the telly and I want to eat.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Or when Gary Barlow's on the telly...
0:07:18 > 0:07:20and I want to eat.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I ate a bar of Dairy Milk recently.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Recently! It's still in my teeth.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33When I'd finished, I noticed it said on the wrapper,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35"Dairy Milk are proud sponsors of the Olympics,"
0:07:35 > 0:07:38and I thought, "Oh, my God, have I just done a sport?"
0:07:39 > 0:07:43What I need is an expert from the telly to teach me about sport.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46If a red-faced man in a pub ever tells you
0:07:46 > 0:07:48that women don't know about sport,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51just saying her name will instantly shut them up.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome top BBC sport presenter,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Clare Balding.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:03 > 0:08:04- Hello.- Hello.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Thank you for coming on the show.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Do you actually watch the sport when you're presenting,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13even if it's something shit, like golf?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- I love golf.- Really?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I commentate on golf for the radio.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21So the Open golf, I had Phil Mickelson on the final day -
0:08:21 > 0:08:24none of this will mean anything - but I was very excited.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28For ten holes, he played magic golf. It was amazing, then he fell apart.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29- Magic golf?- Magic golf.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Is that like crazy golf?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Yes, it was like crazy golf. It was so exciting.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- Get it in the windmill. - Over the bridge, brilliant.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Have you ever been commentating on a sport and thought,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"Oh, my God, I've just forgotten all of the rules to this?"
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- Frequently, yes.- So, you've got no idea if they're doing well or not?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Not so much you've got no idea whether they're doing well,
0:08:51 > 0:08:52but you sometimes go blank.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56I presented darts once.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57And only once.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01At the end of it, as I was going live for the final link,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I couldn't remember the name of the guy who'd won it.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Seriously, I couldn't.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10I just thought, "Oh, please come." So I kept the sentence going and... "Wonderful scenes here.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12"Congratulations to..."
0:09:12 > 0:09:14And as I went "to", the name popped into my head.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17You didn't just say, "The big fat one!"?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Next time.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- You can have that as a standby. - That's good.- You're welcome.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28At school, were you always picked first for games?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31No, I'm quite crushed by that and damaged psychologically.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I just commentated on them and I found myself with a career.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Sort of get your own back.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36- Yes, totally.- I like that.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- On all those bitches.- Yeah.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Now, you love horses,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48but you know what happens to horses when they're not very good?
0:09:50 > 0:09:51D'you...
0:09:51 > 0:09:52D'you ever...
0:09:54 > 0:09:57D'you ever use a Pritt Stick and get sad?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:03"Aw..."
0:10:05 > 0:10:07"I knew him."
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- I actually might cry.- Really?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- That's awful. - Could you do it to camera?
0:10:16 > 0:10:20They've a very good retraining of racehorses charity set up
0:10:20 > 0:10:23that makes sure that racehorses that don't want to race any more,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25they can do something else, train for something else.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- What else do they do? - My dad trained...
0:10:28 > 0:10:31My dad trained a horse for the Queen once called Forge,
0:10:31 > 0:10:35and he ended up not liking racing at all and became an extra in films.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- He was in that series, Trainer. Do you remember that?- Oh, yeah.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41He decided... They had this shot at Newbury Racecourse.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43They did the race many times, and by the third go,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45he thought, "I don't like this," so he lay down.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47"I'm not doing any more of this,"
0:10:47 > 0:10:49and that is why he wasn't a good racehorse.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- Quite a diva. - Yeah, he was. "Get me off set!"
0:10:52 > 0:10:53"I want my own caravan."
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Is it a caravan? It's a trailer, isn't it? Not a caravan!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I'd make a rubbish diva! "I want a caravan."
0:11:02 > 0:11:04"Take your trailer and stuff it up your arse!"
0:11:06 > 0:11:12I have sat on a horse once, only once ever, and it hurt my nunnie.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Then it stood on my sister's foot,
0:11:13 > 0:11:18and we thought, "We're never going to a school fair ever again."
0:11:18 > 0:11:21But I was a little bit worried that I might have lost my virginity.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28It had never been sore down there before.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Is it possible to lose your virginity?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I don't think it's possible to lose your virginity,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36but I think, way back in Victorian times,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39they would make women ride side-saddle
0:11:39 > 0:11:42to make sure there wasn't the danger of legs spread.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- Legs akimbo.- Yeah.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Maybe when they got married,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50their husband would think they weren't a virgin but they were.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- Wow.- Yeah.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- He'd have his torch out and that, wouldn't he?- Yeah.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59That's amazing, but maybe after that, they're allowed to ride a horse properly.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00I think sometimes it's a good excuse.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"Oh, I've just been riding... a lot."
0:12:04 > 0:12:05"I've just been on a horse."
0:12:08 > 0:12:10It's been great talking to you.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11- Has it?- It really has,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14but I'm not very good at ending these conversations.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17As you know, a good finish is very important.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20So what I need is an expert to help me out,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22someone who knows about big finishes.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Please welcome, world champion gymnast, Beth Tweddle.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:35 > 0:12:40Thank you for coming on the show. How are your Olympic preparations?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Training is going really well.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43I start competition season soon,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47so that'll be a kick-start to 2012 and getting me moving.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You could actually win gold. It's very exciting, isn't it?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Yes, everything is going my way at the minute,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56but it's just about what happens on the day.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Looking forward to the challenge
0:12:57 > 0:13:00and hopefully I can end that career with an Olympic medal.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03You're effectively doing roly-polies for a living.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- Is that a job?- I'd like to say so.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Some people, including my boyfriend, would disagree.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16He quite often says I'm a bit of a bum, I don't do anything.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17But I call it a job.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19You must be really good at sex, though, mustn't you?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Ever been getting it on with your boyfriend
0:13:25 > 0:13:27and stopped to chalk your hands?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31You'll have to ask him about this.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37So, Beth, I'm looking for a big finish for my chat with Clare
0:13:37 > 0:13:42and when I was little, me and my sister bought some leotards,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45not as spangly as yours, but they were nice.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47We didn't bother with the gymnastics -
0:13:47 > 0:13:49we'd just wanted to do the ta-da at the end.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52That was the only bit we were interested in.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55As a world champion, you've obviously done a lot of ta-das.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57You're clearly very good at it.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Let's have a look at what you're going to teach me.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Yeah, I've got a few skills I'm going to show you -
0:14:01 > 0:14:03keep a close eye and you can have a go next.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04OK, deal.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08APPLAUSE
0:14:16 > 0:14:18CHEERING
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Oh!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Oh!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31That was amazing.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Your boyfriend is very lucky.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Is there any chance I could just do a forward roll?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Yes, but there's one condition.- OK.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49A really good ta-da, but can we call it a "pre-SENT"?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Is that what it's called? A present?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Rather than a little ta-da, a nice present.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55So you do, "Present!"?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Without the sound effect, yes. - Really? Am I not allowed to say it?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Taking the fun out of sport, isn't she?
0:15:02 > 0:15:06- Let's do it. Shall we do it?- Yes.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Clare, would you mind commentating? - Oh, love to.- Excellent, let's do it.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Well, this is quite some story at the Olympics of 2012.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22This girl has come from nowhere.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25She has limited athletic ability
0:15:25 > 0:15:27and absolutely no certificates,
0:15:27 > 0:15:31apart from something proving she can swim 10 metres.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36Sarah Millican will now attempt the forward roll,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38looking for a clean entry,
0:15:38 > 0:15:43a clean exit, rhythm and balance in between.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47And she goes into a forward roll. She struggles to get up.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Lovely present to finish.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53What a finish from Sarah Millican,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and the flowers come onto the stage.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00The audience here in London go mad.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04What a sensational performance from Sarah Millican.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Oh, thank you very much. That was fantastic, thank you.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12APPLAUSE
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Thank you and good luck in London. Beth Tweddle, everybody.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:21 > 0:16:25And thank you for the brilliant commentary, Clare Balding.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Now, one of my favourite entertainment shows on the telly
0:16:43 > 0:16:45is Strictly Come Dancing,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48but I would never want to go on in case I never got picked.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Strictly would be better if it was more like a nightclub,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54where you have to signal to your friends to rescue you
0:16:54 > 0:16:57if Anton du Beke sidles up.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59ITV has got Dancing On Ice,
0:16:59 > 0:17:03which is basically Strictly with a bigger insurance budget.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Apparently, they tried to get Brucie to host it, but unfortunately,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11the local scouts kept coming round and gritting the stage...
0:17:11 > 0:17:15and asking if he needed anything doing.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Dancing On Ice is like someone saw Strictly and went,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20"It's good, but it's just not gay enough."
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Let's be honest, though - talent show wise,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26everything has been done, hasn't it?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27We're down to finding
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Britain's best opera-singing, one-legged break-dance crew
0:17:30 > 0:17:32who are doing it for their nanas.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36People want to go on The X Factor
0:17:36 > 0:17:38because they think it'll change their lives, and it does.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41They can't go out any more, because people think they're shit!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Did anyone here play a musical instrument at school?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Recorder.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52That's not an instrument, flower.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55It's just a fancy rape alarm.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It would have the same effect, wouldn't it?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03SHE SCREECHES
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I tried playing the clarinet at school.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11My teacher told me I needed to practise in the summer holidays
0:18:11 > 0:18:13for three hours every day.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I was in the middle of the Sweet Valley High books.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16He had no chance.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21I took the clarinet box in to the teacher after the summer holidays
0:18:21 > 0:18:22and blew the dust off it.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24He understood.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27It's a shame you can't do that with boyfriends.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29"You haven't touched him for six weeks, have you?"
0:18:33 > 0:18:35"Do you want to stop?" "Yes, please."
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"Did you blow it even once?"
0:18:40 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:46"I can't get a note out of it."
0:18:46 > 0:18:48APPLAUSE
0:18:55 > 0:18:58My one and only talent is I can do a horn.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01SHE MIMICS A SQUEAKY HORN
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I can't do it without doing me hand, though. Always have to do the hand.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12MIMICS HORN
0:19:13 > 0:19:15MIMICS HORN TWICE
0:19:20 > 0:19:22My fella and I were once in HMV,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25and he was thrilled that he knew the track that they were playing.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28As we got to the till, the next track came on, and he knew that too.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30"Still got it!"
0:19:30 > 0:19:33We asked what it was, and the lad behind the counter said
0:19:33 > 0:19:36it was called The Best Dad Album In The World Ever.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I love Glee, and, in some ways, my school was very similar.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Overwhelmed with emotion,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47someone would burst into song in the hallway,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49then everybody would join in...
0:19:49 > 0:19:52kicking and punching them till they stopped.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54At one school disco,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57we were encouraged to bring our own mix tapes.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Momentarily forgetting how uncool my music taste and I were,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I handed my favourite one in.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Halfway through the night, they played it. I was thrilled.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08First song, Kylie Minogue's Got To Be Certain.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I could see the other kids looking around as if to say,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14"Whose tape's this? We must immediately stop bullying her
0:20:14 > 0:20:17"and show her how to do her hair properly."
0:20:17 > 0:20:22It was all going so well until the opening bars of Al Jarreau's theme from Moonlighting.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24# Some walk by night... #
0:20:24 > 0:20:26MUSIC CUTS ABRUPTLY
0:20:26 > 0:20:29It's like living it all again(!)
0:20:29 > 0:20:31So, what I need is an expert from the telly to teach me
0:20:31 > 0:20:33about all things showbiz.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35He can put his left foot in, he can put his left foot out,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38and I'm pretty sure he can shake it all about.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Please welcome the star of Pineapple Dance Studios
0:20:40 > 0:20:42and Dancing On Ice, Louie Spence!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Thanks very much for coming on the show, Louie.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Now, let's see a little bit of you in action.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58DRUMBEAT PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
0:21:09 > 0:21:13That was just my intro music. I have that every morning.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I just can't help myself!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23How do you deal with your shyness?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I don't know! I really don't.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Apart from the shyness and having an impediment, you know, it's hard.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30It is hard being me.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33But it must be hard to come out of your shell every once in a while,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- cos you're so quiet, normally(!) - It was never hard for me to come out!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Happened a long time ago!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I came kicking out the womb, "Hey!"
0:21:43 > 0:21:46See, my best dance move is the boob dance. Do you know the boob dance?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Well, you're giving me a bit of competition there, actually.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Is it going to be that one?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Well, whatever you do, it doesn't matter about the bottom half.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58You always have your arms in the air, cos then your boobs look fantastic. That's what I do.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Then your boobs are pointing where they're supposed to be rather than resting at me belly.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Sometimes when I'm at home and I'm naked...
0:22:04 > 0:22:05You know when sometimes you're naked
0:22:05 > 0:22:09but you're talking about boring things with your partner, logistics,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"What time are you going to be in?" that sort of thing.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15And I just put me arms up and hold the doorframe.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17It makes me tits look amazing!
0:22:17 > 0:22:21He's never noticed that it looks really weird.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24What's the weirdest place you've ever broken into dance?
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Well, I mean, for me, it's not really weird to break into dance anywhere,
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- cos if I hear a bit of music... - It's expected.- Exactly.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I suppose funerals aren't really a great thing to go, you know...
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- On top of the coffin.- A quick tap dance, you know what I mean?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Their favourite tune comes on, and there's me in the background, "Wo-o-oah!"
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Have you ever danced your way out of a fight?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50You know what, I may have danced my way into one, not out of one.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Louie, you might have gathered that I don't know anything about dance.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- No.- That's quite clear.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00I've got a list of dance moves here.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Um, do you think you can show me what they are?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Can I show you what they are? - Yeah. Come with me, pet.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07APPLAUSE
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Now, they're going to come pretty thick and fast, OK?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20That's how I like 'em, darling! LAUGHTER
0:23:20 > 0:23:22They say it's the girth that takes your breath away!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Let's see how many you can do against the clock. Are you ready?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Right.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34MUSIC: "It's Like That" by Run DMC
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Vogue.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Hootchy kootchy.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Robot.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Krumping. - AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53SARAH LAUGHS
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Mashed potato.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Mashed potato - that one?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Funky chicken.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:07No, no, no!
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Funky chicken!
0:24:15 > 0:24:16The Lasso.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- AUDIENCE:- Wo-o-oo!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- Eat the pasty.- What?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Eat the pasty!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:31 > 0:24:32I made that one up!
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Running man.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40CHEERING
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Charleston.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45CHEERING
0:24:47 > 0:24:48The Cossack.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Woo-hoo-hoo!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54CHEERING
0:24:56 > 0:24:57The Caterpillar.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06And your final one...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10..is the Get Off Dance.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Ladies and gentlemen, Louie Spence!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:18 > 0:25:20SARAH LAUGHS
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Get off!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36That's it for tonight.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Andrew Lloyd Webber's search for Nancy.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44If Andrew Lloyd Webber is ever searching for the Child Catcher
0:25:44 > 0:25:47from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, he should just look in the mirror.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER
0:25:50 > 0:25:52We didn't have time to mention Popstar To Operastar -
0:25:52 > 0:25:55surely the easiest way to go from one to the other
0:25:55 > 0:25:57is just to eat loads.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- LAUGHTER - Good night!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd