0:00:02 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:23Hello!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hello, and welcome to
0:00:33 > 0:00:35The Sarah Millican Television Programme,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37the show that kneels at the altar of TV
0:00:37 > 0:00:40before realising it can't get up without some help.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45I absolutely love telly and it's taught me everything that I know.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- We all love Frozen Planet, don't we? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51The only programme on the telly that makes you put a cardie on.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55David Attenborough is like your uncle.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57But without the tendency to hug you
0:00:57 > 0:00:59just a bit too long once you've turned 15.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03I've learnt a lot about crime from watching Sherlock.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06In the one I saw, he deduced a visitor had been to Tunisia,
0:01:06 > 0:01:10owned three dogs and had attended his ex-girlfriend's birthday.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Well done, Sherlock. I can look on Facebook, as well.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Sherlock, of course, is played by Benedict Cumberbatch.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20What a name - Cumberbatch.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Sounds like something Paul Hollywood has just taken out of the oven.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29I do find it disappointing when my Cumberbatch doesn't rise.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33LAUGHTER
0:01:33 > 0:01:35But apparently, it can happen to anyone.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I've learnt that there's no better entertainment
0:01:38 > 0:01:41than a good Saturday night extravaganza like Strictly.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I don't think I could ever go on Strictly.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I worry that just before doing one of the lifts,
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Brendan Cole would turn to me and say, "Actually, you better lift me."
0:01:50 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:54I'm not into dancing at all.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I think you dance at your wedding, and then again when he dies.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE
0:02:07 > 0:02:10So tonight I'm going to be talking about
0:02:10 > 0:02:12two of my favourite types of TV.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Crime shows and medical programmes.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18On the telly, all doctors seem to be part-time investigators, don't they?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19The closest I get to that
0:02:19 > 0:02:22is when my doctor tells me to list my recent partners.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I love Casualty. I only ever watch the first five minutes, though.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32It always starts with someone saying, "Don't be silly.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36"I've been tightrope walking without a protective helmet for years."
0:02:36 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:40"Yes, in stilettos.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"Oh, the chainsaw helps me balance."
0:02:45 > 0:02:48LAUGHTER
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Did you know that there are people whose job it is
0:02:51 > 0:02:53to be a professional casualty for hospital dramas
0:02:53 > 0:02:55and ambulance training?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57It's a bit awkward when they fancy a day off, though.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59They have to call in healthy.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"I woke up this morning and I feel fantastic.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06"I won't be in for a couple of days."
0:03:07 > 0:03:10All the actors in those programmes have to learn the technical terms.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12For years, I thought a defibrillator
0:03:12 > 0:03:16was something that gets bobbly bits off your woolly jumper.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21It's not that much of an emergency. Just keep your coat on.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24But I've got those new parking sensors on my car,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26and when I'm trying to get in a space,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28for the fourth time, probably,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31it sounds like someone dying in Holby City.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Beep, beep, beep-beep-beep-beep, beeeeeep.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Which was appropriate that one time with that poor fella.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I've got a friend who, for any injury,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49can tell you how long the wait in A&E is.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51They should put a chart on the wall like that.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Sprained ankle - two hours. Broken arm - three hours.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56If you've got something up your bum - two minutes,
0:03:56 > 0:03:57cos they want to see the nutters.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03So if you cut your finger off, just stick it up your arse.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:13 > 0:04:15At least at the end of most hospital dramas
0:04:15 > 0:04:17you know if the medical procedure has worked.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19If there was a homeopathic medical drama,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21the episode would last for weeks.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23And nothing would happen.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Just lots of gormless people saying, "I feel a bit better, thanks."
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Don't worry about that. Homeopathic jokes never work.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:41 > 0:04:44But you have to keep things formal with your doctor, don't you?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47If you call them by their first name and then show them your bits,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49it feels more like a first date.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51"What do you think of that?"
0:04:55 > 0:04:57My dad found out recently that he had gout.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01My sister caught him on the computer looking at Gout.com.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06He shouted down the stairs, "I've never even had any bloody pheasant!"
0:05:08 > 0:05:12He had to go for a routine prostate examination recently.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Give us a cheer if you know what that involves.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- AUDIENCE CHEERS - The men are like, "Muuuhhh!"
0:05:19 > 0:05:21There's a lady there clapping.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27He was a bit worried, as he hadn't had anything like that before.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29And I said, "There's no need to worry.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"The doctor's done this a million times. It'll be fine."
0:05:31 > 0:05:36And he said, "The problem is that I'm a bit constipated."
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Well, actually, what he said was, "I'm a bit backed-up."
0:05:41 > 0:05:44He was worried it would be less like an examination
0:05:44 > 0:05:46and more like a game of Whac-A-Mole.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:52And he said, "I just want to get
0:05:52 > 0:05:56"a couple of turds under me belt before the appointment."
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Don't put them under your belt, Dad. They'll section you.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I've been wearing glasses since I was six, so for 30 years.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10And at my last check-up,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12the optician said my eyesight is improving.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15You'd think I'd be thrilled, wouldn't you? But I was gutted.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17There's a reason your eyesight is
0:06:17 > 0:06:19supposed to get worse as you get older.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It's so that you can't see the full deterioration of your face.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26You know when you see an old lady with a full tache,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28and you think she's just given up?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30She hasn't. She's blind as a bat
0:06:30 > 0:06:32and she's looked in the mirror that morning
0:06:32 > 0:06:34and gone, "Champion."
0:06:34 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:44 > 0:06:48I love Embarrassing Bodies. What did people do before that show?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Maybe that's why there were more flashers then.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54"Please don't scream.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59"I just want to know if you've seen one this shape before."
0:07:04 > 0:07:09OK, in case you haven't guessed it, I'm not really a medical expert.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I have dressed up as a nurse a couple of times.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18I wore 70 denier tights and washed his arse with a cloth.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I can never see what men find so sexy about it.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26So to help me through the icky world of TV medics,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29please welcome the star of Embarrassing Bodies,
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Dr Pixie McKenna.
0:07:30 > 0:07:36APPLAUSE
0:07:42 > 0:07:46- Welcome, Dr Pixie.- Thank you. - Let's have a look at you in action.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49We're attaching specialist monitoring equipment
0:07:49 > 0:07:51to Dr Pixie's body and brain,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55so that Dr Lewis' assistant can measure how her brain behaves
0:07:55 > 0:07:59under the influence of six units of neat vodka.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:07So how are you feeling now, Pixie?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I'm feeling a little bit squiffy, actually.
0:08:10 > 0:08:16Could you say, "Sister Susie's sewing shirts for sailors"?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Sister Susie...sewing..shir...
0:08:22 > 0:08:25No! Ha-ha!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28APPLAUSE
0:08:28 > 0:08:31So do you just get hammered for a living?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33It's brilliant!
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Now Doctor, Doctor, I'm suffering vaginal dryness.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39It's not a joke.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I just wondered if you could suggest something.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Because you do talk a lot in your show about vaginal dryness.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I mean, I know vaginas are supposed to be moist,
0:08:48 > 0:08:51but...like a fruit cake, or...?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:58..like, sponge. Not as dry as a meringue, not as sloppy as a trifle.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Sponge is good.- Like a good sponge!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Ha-ha! I like that a lot!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Erm, have you ever said to a patient, "What the fuck is that?"
0:09:12 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Have you ever seen something that made you jump onto a chair?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Not quite jump on a chair, but sometimes...
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Smells are the things that get me. - AUDIENCE: Eugh!
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- Smells are bad.- Are you good at sort of hiding that from your face?
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Anyone who watches me knows I'm not good at hiding anything from my face.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45I go...and make all these faces all the time, unfortunately.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48That's good. Because then they know something's definitely wrong.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54Let me ask you, how much sex should couples ACTUALLY have?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Like, what's the least amount you can get away with?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:05You know, the NHS says you should have sex every three days.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- The NHS?!- Yes! - What business is it of theirs?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14If you want to have a baby, you should have sex every three days.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Oh, if you want to have a baby. That's a totally different question.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21You can extrapolate that rule to your daily life, don't you think?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Every three days?
0:10:23 > 0:10:24It's healthy, it's calorie-burning.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Is it?- It's free.- Hmm...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34It may be financially free, but it's not emotionally free.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40You set up special units in supermarket car parks, don't you?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Everywhere. We crop up everywhere.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45How bad can it be, if somebody's willing to show it in a Portakabin?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48The good thing about that is they always have the RAC.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Someone can join the RAC and get their knob checked at the same time.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Of course they can!
0:10:53 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Now, Dr Pixie, I'd like your diagnosis
0:11:03 > 0:11:06on some genuine X-ray pictures that we've found,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- if that's all right. - Oh, I'm no good at anatomy!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Honestly! - You might be quite good at these.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16No, I called the liver the lung. I failed.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- You called the liver the lung?- Yes.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I'm not surprised you failed anatomy.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- That's why you just stick to giblets now.- Exactly!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28OK, let's have a look at the first one.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30What do you think's going on here?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- Any ideas?- No ideas. This isn't an exam, is it?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Yeah, we are going to mark you at the end.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42No. That is a bullet. Now, wouldn't you think that it would
0:11:42 > 0:11:44probably be best to get that out of you?
0:11:44 > 0:11:45- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Well, this is actually
0:11:47 > 0:11:4984-year-old Fred Gough from the West Midlands,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52who's had that inside him for 67 years.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56After unknowingly being shot in World War II.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04How are you unknowingly shot? In the almost nadgers?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:10OK, what about the next one? What is your diagnosis for this one?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I know that one! I'd say that's a key!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16That is a key! This is student Chris Foster,
0:12:16 > 0:12:17who swallowed his key
0:12:17 > 0:12:20to stop his friends taking him home.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28And finally, let's have a look at the last one, then.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30AUDIENCE GASPS
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Anybody spot what it is? Can you spot what it is, Dr Pixie?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I have no idea what that is.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41This unfortunate man got a Buzz Lightyear action figure...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44AUDIENCE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS
0:12:44 > 0:12:47.."accidentally" stuck up his bum.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50How does that work?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53"Honest, I just slipped."
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Shame it wasn't a Woody.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"You've got a friend in me."
0:13:08 > 0:13:13Well, this has been way more fun than a usual trip to the doctor.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Pixie McKenna. Thank you!
0:13:15 > 0:13:19APPLAUSE
0:13:25 > 0:13:29I also love TV about crime and shows like Watchdog.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30It's good to pick up tips.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33For example, if someone asks you for your mother's maiden name
0:13:33 > 0:13:36and the name of your first pet, you're either being scammed,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39or they're trying to find out your porn star name.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Thousands of people fall for scams every year.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46The Nigerian bank account one, the bogus timeshares one,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48and Children In Need.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Apparently, that one's real.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I sent £5 to the World Wildlife Fund for a panda.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Still haven't got one.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01But I have got a card from the Post Office saying
0:14:01 > 0:14:03there's something I need to collect.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10The crime series The Wire was so popular in the USA
0:14:10 > 0:14:12that it caused crime to go down in some areas
0:14:12 > 0:14:14while criminals watched it.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Until the DVD came out,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19and shoplifting went through the roof.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Me and my fella bought the box set for Christmas last year,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26instead of getting engaged.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28We thought it was a longer-term commitment.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I had my phone stolen when I was in France last year.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35We were in a restaurant and there was a bloke
0:14:35 > 0:14:37asking for money from people sat outside.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40We were inside, cos I don't like wasps.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Or the French.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46He had a sheet of paper with some French on it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Unless it had said, "Ou est le supermarche?"
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Or "J'aime la discotheque," we had no chance.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57We decided to not make eye contact with him.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59He came over, put his sheet of paper down,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02lifted it back up, and left, taking my mobile phone with him.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04All sleight of hand.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Like a really shit close-up magic trick.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11The restaurant called the police, and within five minutes
0:15:11 > 0:15:15an unmarked car with three plain-clothes policemen arrived,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18and whisked my boyfriend away to help try to spot him in the street.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22He was off having the adventure of a lifetime with three armed coppers,
0:15:22 > 0:15:26running into Metro stations going, "Piew! Piew! Piew!"
0:15:26 > 0:15:29What noise does a French...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32What noise does a French gun make?
0:15:32 > 0:15:37- "Clunk! I surrender!" - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:42 > 0:15:45The thing is, my boyfriend is no good at faces.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49And bearing in mind this was a man we had purposely not looked at.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54He's so bad at faces I'm surprised he's never picked up
0:15:54 > 0:15:56the wrong girlfriend from the train station.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58"Hi, babes. I thought you were coming to pick me up."
0:15:58 > 0:16:00"There's a lady in the car.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05"She's wearing glasses.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08"I wondered why you looked cross."
0:16:12 > 0:16:15We were burgled once a long time ago. It's horrible, isn't it?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18And they took everything that had a plug. Everything electrical.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Except the telly.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23It was an old telly with a wood veneer
0:16:23 > 0:16:24and they just left it.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28But they took the remote.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I mean...so not only have I still got a rubbish telly,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36now I've got to do exercise to turn it on.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Now that's obviously a horrible crime,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44but what crimes are actually all right?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48You know, like stealing stationery from work is all right, isn't it?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Yeah. People going, "Yeah."
0:16:50 > 0:16:54But I wonder if you should ask about that at your interview.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56You know, for the job?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"Have you got the proper Bics or just the shit ones?"
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I think eating food as you go around the supermarket is fine too.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Sometimes I end up at the till with just a small bag of barcodes.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Driving with a headlight out.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I mean, a car, not the boob.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I know someone who knows a lot about crime.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34He's not here, but we can speak to him by the magic of the internet.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36They've told me there's some kind of
0:17:36 > 0:17:38lightweight head stuff I have to put on.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:49AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my dad, Phillip.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55APPLAUSE
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- Hello!- All right?- How are you?
0:18:01 > 0:18:02Champion!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04We've been talking about crime.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Now you've had something quite recent happen to you,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09haven't you, on Bonfire Night?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12You were like the victim of a crime, I suppose, weren't you?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Well...crime...
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I was busy opening my garage door.
0:18:17 > 0:18:23I'd put the car away, and a young lad rode by on his bike
0:18:23 > 0:18:26and threw a lit firework at me.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Oh, my God! So what happened after he threw the lit firework at you?
0:18:29 > 0:18:34- I caught it. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:39 > 0:18:44So he clearly hadn't realised that you're something of a superhero?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46So you caught the lit firework, and then?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I went into the back lane
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- and I threw it back at him. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:18:56 > 0:18:59SHE LAUGHS
0:19:00 > 0:19:01And where did it land?
0:19:01 > 0:19:06In the hoodie on the back of his jacket.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I hoped and prayed that it would explode
0:19:09 > 0:19:11and blow his bloody head off.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14We'll probably cut that bit from the telly programme.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Up until then, you sounded like a bit of a hero.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23But after that you just sound...
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I don't know, like a scary old man.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Thank you very much, Dad. Let's give him a round of applause.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30That's all right, darling.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35APPLAUSE
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Now, the king of crime shows is Crimewatch, isn't it?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48A mate of mine rang Crimewatch to say that she'd seen the crime.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Turns out she'd seen the reconstruction being filmed.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58"He had an accomplice who seemed to powder his nose a lot.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"The getaway van was very distinctive.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05"On the side, it said BBC TV. I hope that helps."
0:20:07 > 0:20:10So what I need here is an expert.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Someone who is a loose cannon, wants another 24 hours.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17It's his last case and he's too old for this shit.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19He breaks the rules but he always gets results.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Ladies and gentlemen, please say 'allo, 'allo, 'allo
0:20:22 > 0:20:24to ex-copper and Crimewatch star, Rav Wilding.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28APPLAUSE
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Hello.- Hello.- Thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Thanks for having me. - So, Rav, I love your work. I've always been a big fan.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Let's have a look at some of your highlights.- OK!
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Eugh!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:20:48 > 0:20:49And another?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- And another.- Oh, no!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I have to ask, when you were in your police uniform,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00did people not just think you were a stripper?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- HE LAUGHS - Erm, I did get hit on a few times.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07But it was normally from, well...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09prostitutes and drug addicts.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12That's not being hit on, love.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- They're touting for business. - Oh, OK!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17If you have to pay for a date, it's not going well.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20You were in the army, the police,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- and you were a security guard.- Yes.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Are you on UniformDating.com?
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Because I went on there
0:21:27 > 0:21:30and I ended up with a trombonist from the Salvation Army.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Have you met any crazy criminals?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Have you ever met any...?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Well, yeah, I worked eight years in Peckham, so there's a fair few.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45But there was this one guy that I nicked
0:21:45 > 0:21:48and I sent him off to court.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I didn't hear anything and a year later, I got a call saying,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"Rav, can you come down to the front office?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55"There's this guy, he's desperate to see you. He will not go away."
0:21:55 > 0:21:59And I came down and it was the same fella that I nicked a year before
0:21:59 > 0:22:00for having this dodgy passport.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02He had this massive smile on his face and he was like,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04"Hello! You're the best! You're the best!"
0:22:04 > 0:22:07And I was like, "Where have you been?" He said, "In jail."
0:22:07 > 0:22:09He's been in jail because of me, but he wanted to thank me
0:22:09 > 0:22:13because he had such a lovely time in prison
0:22:13 > 0:22:16because he was put in prison by the guy off the telly.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18So whenever one of my shows was on, he was like,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20"That's the one that put me in here!"
0:22:20 > 0:22:22He was like this little celeb!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24So he dined out on that story for a year?
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- Well, dined in, I suppose, didn't he?- He did, yeah.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33Now, I spend a lot of time in strange cities late at night
0:22:33 > 0:22:35and I was wondering if we could try something.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40Like, imagine I'm alone waiting for a bus. It's dark, it's dangerous.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42It's Gateshead.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47- Come with me, come with me. Don't be scared.- OK.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:50 > 0:22:54TRAFFIC NOISES
0:22:54 > 0:22:58OK, now I want you to go and hide.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00If you hide in the shadows, if that's all right.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05- And then see if you can sneak up on me. Is that OK?- I'll give it a go.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I bet you can't.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12So I'd probably have a bit of music on.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Best of Disney.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Ha-ha! You think I'm joking. Ha-ha!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20# Under the sea... #
0:23:20 > 0:23:23LAUGHTER
0:23:23 > 0:23:27It's cold. I probably should have put a coat on.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Huh...it's Gateshead, though.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31It's illegal.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Oh, oh! Oh, my God!- Ha-ha! - Oh, my God!
0:23:35 > 0:23:39That was really good and slightly arousing.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:48 > 0:23:50So is...hee-hee-hee!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Is there a way that I could have protected my bag better?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I thought I had a good hold of it, because I was holding it as well.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Definitely. It's wide open, for starters.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00But the zip, the flappy bit's come off the zip.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Well, fix the flappy bit, then!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Because not only could someone take the bag,
0:24:04 > 0:24:05they could put their hands in...
0:24:05 > 0:24:09There's something buzzing in there! You might want to sort that out.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:19 > 0:24:20- Buzzin' for you.- He-ey!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23So is it true that there are things in your bag
0:24:23 > 0:24:25that you could use as weapons?
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Yeah...is the answer,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32but only if you take them out as a proper object.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34So say you had an umbrella there to keep you dry.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36If someone attacked you
0:24:36 > 0:24:39and you used the umbrella to defend yourself, that's OK.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41But if you took it out on a hot, sunny day
0:24:41 > 0:24:45because it would be a great weapon, that's not allowed in the eyes of the law.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47But what if the weather's changeable?
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- I like your thinking! - You don't check your bag very much.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- You just leave it like that for years.- I like your thinking.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58So there's potential that you could have to use it to keep you dry.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Exactly. So it's just about having a good story when you've maimed a man.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03I can do stories.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07So let me show you things I've got in here that might be quite useful.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11I've got keys. I'm not actually a security guard but I could be.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Oh, wowzers. Yeah, keys can be very good.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16You can put them in between your fingers, you can scratch with them.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17You can do a lot with those.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Even if someone attacks you, lob that at them.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21It's a distraction technique.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24If you've done that, when you use them again
0:25:24 > 0:25:26you'd have to make sure you cleaned all the meat off,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28otherwise it wouldn't get in the door.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31The meat would be very good, because you'd get the DNA off it.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36Oh, scrape the meat off into a little plastic bag. I like it!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38So other things I've got...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40I've got heavy-flow Tampax.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42That can make any man run.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49And he's got a rough idea what my temperament's going to be.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I've got tweezers. Tweezers are good?
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Yes, because you'd pluck a hair and, again, get the DNA from that.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07You really think I'm just going to hold him down?
0:26:07 > 0:26:11I'm going to gouge his bloody eyes out!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Although I do sometimes pluck them from my boyfriend's nostrils.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18- Oh! And it must hurt. - It brings tears to his eyes, yeah.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- Do you want a...?- I'd rather not. - OK. I'm just offering.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Oh, I've got a woolly hat. And I've found this is quite useful as well.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Because if you put it on...I'll show you...if you put it on like that,
0:26:30 > 0:26:34but you pull it up a bit so it's a bit, you know...
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- LAUGHTER - I used to do this on the way in.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I used to have a really dodgy journey into work.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40It was six in the morning, it was dark,
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I had to walk along a dual carriageway.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44So I'd put my hat on, pull it up,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47and I'd sing When The Saints Go Marching In
0:26:47 > 0:26:49quietly under my breath.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Because the way to avoid the nutter is to BECOME the nutter.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Untouchable!
0:27:00 > 0:27:01What about this one?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04I don't know if I could do anything with this one.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06What about this,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10erm...this black belt that I got off my karate instructor last week?
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Can I do anything with that?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14My mum used to do that when she was a student nurse.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16She used to have a black belt hanging out her bag when she'd walk home.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- Really?- Yeah, they were scared!
0:27:19 > 0:27:22So what, I just wrap that around somebody's neck or something?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Or do that!
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- Thank you very much for all of your tips.- No problem.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Guys, give him a round of applause, Rav Wilding!
0:27:30 > 0:27:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:39 > 0:27:41That's it for tonight.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44We haven't talked about the daytime soap, Doctors.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47If you don't like going to see your GP, just keep watching that.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50What you've got is bound to come up sooner or later.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52On that, or Pet Rescue.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56We didn't have time to talk about NHS Direct.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58But we have talked about Doctors,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01which is where they would have directed you anyway.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03To be fair, on the phone they can't see you.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06They're playing sickness Battleships.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08"B4!"
0:28:08 > 0:28:11"Hit! You've sunk me testicle."
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Good night!
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd