0:00:05 > 0:00:12This programme contains some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I love watching medical shows on the telly.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I saw a documentary that said thousands of people
0:00:46 > 0:00:49over 60 have ADHD and I thought,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53"Surely a hyperactive pensioner is a good thing?"
0:00:53 > 0:00:57It might make them move a bit faster in the Post Office!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59And they'll finally be warm!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Drugs Live was a weird show, where people took drugs on TV
0:01:03 > 0:01:06and we watched the effects they had on them.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I don't do drugs and I don't really drink,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11so sometimes if I want to mix things up,
0:01:11 > 0:01:15I'll put my clocks back an hour and then watch UK Gold Plus 1.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:23It properly fucks you up!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Is it now, is it then?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I like Nigella, but her sexy cooking has got out of hand.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33She only cooks things with plums in,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36so she can look at the camera and go,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38(AS NIGELLA) "Plums!"
0:01:43 > 0:01:47In saying that, her cock and ball bag pie was to die for.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Now, when I was watching the last series of X Factor,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01it felt like I disagreed with everything the judges said.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05If I thought someone sang well, the judges didn't put them through.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09If I thought they were just noise in thrushy jeans...
0:02:11 > 0:02:15You've had those before, haven't you, flower?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18They generally come with free Canesten.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22..Then they went straight through to boot camp.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26So I posted on Twitter, "I disagree with everything the X Factor
0:02:26 > 0:02:30"judges say. Does that mean I'm old, sensible or tone deaf?"
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Some people said, "You're old like me," others said, "Sensible,"
0:02:34 > 0:02:38and one person responded, "You're a fat unfunny dyke!"
0:02:40 > 0:02:44I thought, "They weren't any of the options I gave you."
0:02:47 > 0:02:51X Factor is a bit like being in a bad relationship.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I keep going back, he never makes me happy.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58And I always get judged on my performance.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03It's weird they have the sob stories on X Factor, but not on Strictly.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Some of those poor buggers haven't had an acting job
0:03:06 > 0:03:08since the end of the '80s.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Reality shows like X Factor
0:03:12 > 0:03:16and Strictly are always described as emotional rollercoasters.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I always thought an emotional rollercoaster was
0:03:19 > 0:03:22when you found you couldn't fit in one of the seats.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Oh, no. You, go on.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I'll hold your bag.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37For me, X Factor is more like the Log Flume cos thanks to
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Gary Barlow, I always end up a little bit wet.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Now, dance shows are popular at the moment.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51There's So You Think You Can Dance, Got To Dance
0:03:51 > 0:03:54and if it's a family party, You'd Better Bloody Dance.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I'm not looking like a tit on my own!
0:03:57 > 0:04:01The dancing show I'd like to see is Dances With Wolves.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05A minor celebrity dancing whilst crying.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06WHIMPERS
0:04:06 > 0:04:09FIERCE BARKING AND SNAPPING
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I'm going to pitch that.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18I love Strictly.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22As soon as Brucie danced out on the first step episode, I thought,
0:04:22 > 0:04:27"I bloody love you." When he does his "jokes"...
0:04:27 > 0:04:30he always reminds me of Basil Brush.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33He's all teeth and expectation!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Boom boom!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40That's just his pacemaker.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46My mam always said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say
0:04:46 > 0:04:49"anything at all," so please welcome Strictly judge Craig Revel Horwood.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52APPLAUSE
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Hello, Craig.- Hello, darling. - Welcome to the show, love.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Thank you, my love.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- You've had an interesting life, haven't you?- I have.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Can we expect to see the Craig Revel Horwood movie?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Well, that would be good. I'd enjoy that.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I don't know that the viewers would like it though.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Who would play you in the film of your life? Kylie, or...?
0:05:21 > 0:05:25That's not a bad idea. She just needs to grow six more feet, darling.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Have you got a lot of feet?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- Were you always judgemental as a child?- I guess I was.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I used to judge myself.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44I used to put on little shows for my family at Christmas.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I'd get dressed up in drag at seven
0:05:46 > 0:05:50and then we had big fabulous sliding doors.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51I'd open them up and do
0:05:51 > 0:05:56the Big Spender number with a feather boa and a blond wig.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00- My father chased me around the house, however.- It wasn't his wig, was it?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04When you say "at seven",
0:06:04 > 0:06:08was that your age or was that the time of evening you did it?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11And then at nine...
0:06:13 > 0:06:19- Do you dance at weddings?- No. I hate dancing at weddings.- Why?
0:06:19 > 0:06:24Because I feel like I'm being judged. I know that sounds odd!
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Dancing in public has never been a good scenario for me.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34But you've made a career off the back of it though. Um...
0:06:36 > 0:06:41Dancing is quite erotic, isn't it? It can be quite erotic on Strictly.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Are you ever glad that you're behind a desk?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Well...
0:06:49 > 0:06:53I do like sexy dancing. It's got to be said, darling.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Who was the worst dancer you've ever had?
0:06:57 > 0:07:02- I think that was Quentin Wilson. - And what about on the show?
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- Who was worse between John Sergeant and Ann Widdecombe?- Ann Widdecombe.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Although she did manage to polish the floor.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Have you ever held up the wrong number by mistake
0:07:20 > 0:07:24and had to bluff your way through giving that score?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26We have little buzzers that we press
0:07:26 > 0:07:31and I have accidentally pressed the number next to the number I wanted.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35And then of course I had to try and... It was a low score.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39I had to then try and find as many things wrong with it as I could.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43I love the fact that you said there that it was quite a low score,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47like you ever give anything higher than that.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Well, I remember it was a four. But I'd wanted to give a seven.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52So it was a bit of a disaster.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55So instead of just pausing and saying,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58"I'm sorry, I've made a mistake, let's do it again,"
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- you just carried on saying how shit they were!- The point...
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- It's live television. What can you do, darling?- Be nicer?
0:08:09 > 0:08:14- Have you ever regretted being too harsh?- Only once.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16When I called Patsy Palmer a scrubber
0:08:16 > 0:08:20in a puffer jacket that cries all the time.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24I did regret that actually. She's a very lovely lady.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- Were you getting her mixed up with her character again?- Yeah.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Yeah, it's easy to do, isn't it?
0:08:30 > 0:08:34And finally, you were the face of British Sausage Week...
0:08:34 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Don't go any further with that.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44You can't tell me what to do. I'm not dancing.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I was King of the Sizzle!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53When you signed up to it,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56did you think you were signing up to something different?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01No, I knew exactly what I was in for,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03but I loved the trophies I used to hand out.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07They were complete big sausages, probably about that big.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12All gold. And they looked exactly like dildos. They were hilarious.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14And I had to hand them
0:09:14 > 0:09:17to every butcher that won for the best sausage!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23That might be the best job anybody's ever had.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Thanks so much for coming on the show.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Revel Horwood.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31APPLAUSE
0:09:35 > 0:09:38He's lovely really, isn't he? Britain's Got Talent is tricky.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42You can't compare jugglers and dancing dogs.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Yes, you can, cos jugglers are shit.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I like to see them practising backstage.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52The juggler juggling and the dog going mental watching all the balls.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Throw the bloody thing!
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I think, if a dog can really dance, put it on Strictly.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Brendan Cole has finally met his match.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10He does strike me as something of a leg humper anyway.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15It must be hard for the contestants on Britain's Got Talent.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20Being buzzed off by David Walliams is not as fun as it sounds.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I buzz myself off at home all the time.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28It's the only way I can watch the show.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I drove past the Britain's Got Talent audition queue in Birmingham.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I didn't know that's what it was at the time.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I assumed it was the dole office.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42I thought, "Why is he signing on with a hula hoop?"
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Britain's Got Talent went all over the world.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52Canada's Got Talent ran for only one series. Turns out...nope!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Andrew Lloyd Webber does those talent shows where
0:10:57 > 0:11:00he tries to find something good for the West End of London.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03In my experience, it'd be more toilets.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06And fewer twats.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:15 > 0:11:18I love those search for a star programmes,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21especially the Lloyd Webber Jobcentre ones.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24But when someone got voted off, it was brutal.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25For the Wizard of Oz,
0:11:25 > 0:11:29the one leaving had to hand in her ruby slippers. Ouch.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33For the Sound of Music, the rest of the contestants sang,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35# So long, farewell... #
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Brutal. I don't know if you saw the Jesus Christ Superstar one.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42They nailed him to a cross!
0:11:42 > 0:11:46If you come back on Sunday, the job's yours.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Now, I've always enjoyed judging people. You, horrible top.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Um... - LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:04It's nice.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07But what would it be like to do it professionally?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Let's ask someone who knows and add a bit of girl power to the proceedings.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Please welcome Superstar judge Melanie C.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- Hello. Thank you very much for coming on the show.- It's a pleasure.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I'm so excited to have an actual Spice Girl in the room.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- I'm a massive fan.- A real life one. - And the best one. Um...
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- APPLAUSE - Totally. See? I'm right!
0:12:38 > 0:12:43I've got a really important question that I've been dying to ask you.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47What is it like when Victoria smiles?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:50 > 0:12:52You must have seen her smile!
0:12:52 > 0:12:56She's got such a pretty face, if she smiled, it would be so lovely.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- Is it nice? Is it like Narnia? - Yes. The thing is...
0:13:00 > 0:13:03The thing is with Victoria, if you're with her in private,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07she's so funny and she's always laughing and joking,
0:13:07 > 0:13:11but I think, you know, she's one of the most written about written about
0:13:11 > 0:13:15and photographed women in the world and I think her pout is her armour.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- That's how she feels comfortable. - To protect herself, I suppose.- Yeah.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Next time you see her, just get her to sneak one out once in a while.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I mean a smile. That sounds terrible!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30What was the audition for the Spice Girls like?
0:13:30 > 0:13:36It was weird. The first thing was on how you looked and how you moved.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39They were like, "Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah."
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- Oh, that's harsh! - And then you came back to sing.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44So singing was very secondary?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I fell into that trap!
0:13:53 > 0:13:56You should have lied, said the singing was first.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Yes, it was.- If a Spice Girl turned up to an audition now,
0:13:59 > 0:14:03who would you put through and who would you send home,?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- if you were on the other side? - AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- How mean's that?- I totally went there. Shut your face!
0:14:10 > 0:14:11You know what?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15With the girls, we all would admit we all had different strengths
0:14:15 > 0:14:19and tried to play to that. There were some great singers in the band.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24Everyone can sing, but some were stronger than others and some are better dancers than others.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27A band needs all of that. I think with the Spice Girls, what made us
0:14:27 > 0:14:30so successful, was our chemistry and our energy.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34It would have been better if you'd picked one, but it's fine.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37We'll add that in later on.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Yeah, ask me a question and take one of the names and edit it in.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43It's all editing. It's fine.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Now, when I've had a crappy day, and this is true,
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I put the Spice Girls on and I dance around in my nightie in my flat.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- Do you?- Is there music you always put on when you've had a crappy day?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Um...
0:14:57 > 0:15:01I like some like big ballads cos singing makes me feel great.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04So I like really give it loads. I do that in the car as well.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I don't think about people seeing you.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09At traffic lights, when you pull up and you glance across,
0:15:09 > 0:15:13and you realise they have just seen you feeling for beard.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:21 > 0:15:24It's dangerous to get your tweezers out,
0:15:24 > 0:15:29but if you've got nails, you can just try and get a couple.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Now, you helped to find Jesus for Jesus Christ Superstar with
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Andrew Lloyd Webber.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39On a scale of one to ten, how creepy is he in person?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45The things is, I have to say about Andrew, is I think
0:15:45 > 0:15:49he is probably the most misunderstood person in the public eye.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53But he's a genius. And I was astounded by him.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58He was funny, he was quick and he was so kind to the contestants.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I need to press you for a number.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02SHE LAUGHS
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Zero. He's not creepy, he's lovely.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Later on, we'll get you to say loads of numbers.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- And then we'll just cut one in. - Geri Halliwell.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Seven.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I love it that you've just accidentally told us
0:16:25 > 0:16:28which one you would have sent home.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Not really, Geri. Mwah.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36How do you think the actual Jesus would have done on the show?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40I love what you've done with the loaves and fishes,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42but you sound a bit karaoke.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45What advice would you give to someone on how to win over
0:16:45 > 0:16:48the public on a talent show?
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Well, my advice would be to always be yourself,
0:16:52 > 0:16:56unless you're really boring or a bit of a knob.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- Unless you're really boring or a bit of a knob.- Yeah.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02And then you should suppress that!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Just be really fake.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Just be really fake!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09That's the best advice ever!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12That's advice for life!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Now, the whole Olympics was obviously just a cover
0:17:16 > 0:17:20for the real agenda, which was to get the Spice Girls back together.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26No, that's fact.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Whose idea was it to get you all in Zimmer frames?
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Yeah.- We've got a photo of this, on top of the taxis.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Of all the Spice Girls, who do you think has aged the best?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- Cos I think they've all aged really well.- Looking pretty good actually.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48We're doing all right.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51We're all getting close to 40, or...someone is 40.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- LAUGHTER - Which...?
0:17:54 > 0:17:58- Which one's 40?- Your favourite.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- You're my favourite.- Aw, thanks. - Genuinely.- I'm 38.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- I'm 37.- Are you?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:11 > 0:18:15I don't know what I've won, but I've definitely won!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Maybe, as an ending...
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Maybe you could judge how I've interviewed you.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Oh, my God!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- How did I do?- Well, you know...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I've been interviewed a lot of times by lots of different people,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35all over the world, for many years.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38And... And that was one of them.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:53AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- No, I've really enjoyed it. - I'm still 37.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Um... Thank you so much for coming on the show.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Ladies and gentlemen, Melanie C.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Now, let's talk about medical shows.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18I love One Born Every Minute, the documentary set in a maternity ward.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Thankfully, there isn't one born every minute in the show.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I don't know if I could watch 60 pixelated nunnies,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26one after the other.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Mine doesn't look like that. Theirs are all squared off.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38My pain threshold is very low. At my second ever smear test... Oh, yes.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40We're going there.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- LAUGHTER - ..I was pretty tense.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46The first one, you don't really know what's going to happen.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49And then the second one, you know exactly what's going to happen.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53When the nurse had finished, she saw how tense I still was and said,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"You're going to have to relax.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57"If you don't, you're going to be taking it home."
0:19:57 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I've seen a woman on One Born Every Minute where the baby's
0:20:06 > 0:20:08stuck halfway out.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12If that was me, I'd say, "You know what? Just leave it.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15"I'll buy bigger pants.
0:20:15 > 0:20:20"If I take my bra off, my boobs will probably still reach."
0:20:23 > 0:20:26One Born Every Minute is a very female-heavy programme,
0:20:26 > 0:20:30understandably, but they could encourage more men
0:20:30 > 0:20:33to watch by having an honest male voiceover.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Something like, "Tracy is making a fuss.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42"Tracy is crying. Again.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47"Tracy should remember whose idea this was in the first place."
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Medical dramas are good for men
0:20:52 > 0:20:55because they hate going to the doctor's.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59My boyfriend got a box set, in the hope the rash he'd got would crop up on Quincy.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I saw Dr Christian on a new version of his show called
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Embarrassing Old Bodies.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12It was daft o'clock in the morning and I'm watching old men's todgers.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16And I thought, "It's time for bed." I mean, as in...
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- "It's time for bed." - SHE YAWNS
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Not like, "It's time for bed!"
0:21:22 > 0:21:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:26 > 0:21:30I'm the youngest and I was always a little bugger to my older sister.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33My mam used to pick her up whenever she used slang.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36So my sister would say, "Am gaan oot" and my mam would reply,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"You're going out!"
0:21:38 > 0:21:41And I would irritatingly parrot, "You're going out!"
0:21:41 > 0:21:45One time, my sister had been to hospital about a bad finger.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48When she came back, I said, "What's the matter with it?"
0:21:48 > 0:21:52She said, "It's gangrene," and I went, "It's going green!"
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I love on Holby, you know when they go in with a bad ankle, they
0:21:58 > 0:22:01always get told they've actually got a problem with their heart?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03It's like a mechanic padding out the bill.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Have you noticed that all of the extras seem to do
0:22:06 > 0:22:11the rounds of the other soaps? I find myself watching someone on their deathbed and thinking,
0:22:11 > 0:22:16"Let the bugger die. He was shoplifting from Rita's Kabin last week!"
0:22:18 > 0:22:21You know? I think I'd be useless in Casualty.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24PHONE RINGS AND CASUALTY THEME MUSIC
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I told me mam not to ring us while I'm at work.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Oh, God! I'm actually IN Casualty, aren't I?
0:22:29 > 0:22:35Please welcome Tony Marshall, Azuka Oforka, Suzanne Packer and Charlie Dale from Casualty.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Hello!
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Welcome to the show. Thank you for coming.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Do any of you walk past people up ladders or using a chainsaw
0:22:46 > 0:22:51and think, "I know what's going to happen here. I've seen this one"?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- No, that hasn't happened. - That's never happened?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Do people ever confuse you with your roles?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Suzanne, do people ever just lob it out and say, "Do you mind having a look at this, pet?"
0:23:02 > 0:23:04They do it on a Sunday morning
0:23:04 > 0:23:08when I am trying to nip in to a DVD shop in me pyjamas
0:23:08 > 0:23:13and then they start asking me advice on their bleeding piles.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Wow!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Your character, Big Mac -
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- you've been a hospital porter for five years.- Mm-hmm.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Do you just lack ambition?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30He's like me. He's just happy where he is.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Happy where he is?- Exactly. - Anything for a peaceful life?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Exactly.- I like it.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Why does no-one on Casualty ever know they're pregnant,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41before they end up just pushing their baby out?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46It's not like we don't know what causes it!
0:23:47 > 0:23:52I think, perhaps, we've got a lot of fuller figured actresses, perhaps.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54And they don't notice.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55AUDIENCE: Ooohh!
0:23:55 > 0:23:56What?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I speak as a fuller-figured member!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06So you think women are fatter and they don't know they're pregnant?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08You asked the question, not me.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I asked the question. You answered like that, though, flower!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Shall we move on?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17You'll know this. How do you get blood out of your clothes?
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Is it the same as red wine?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Do you have to like, splash on a white bodily fluid?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:30There's a couple of people going, "I've tried that, it doesn't work!"
0:24:30 > 0:24:33"You just end up with a hell of a mess on your carpet!"
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Have any of you ever tried just kissing it better?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Excuse me?- When you're at work,
0:24:40 > 0:24:44and somebody's not very well, just tried kissing it better, yourself?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48- Oh, kissing it BETTER! - What do you think I said?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- I don't know, I don't know.- Did you think I said kissing it bigger?
0:24:53 > 0:24:54That does work!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Why, on Casualty - it's been going a long time, hasn't it -
0:25:06 > 0:25:11have you never had an accident where someone's been hoovering and...
0:25:11 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:16 > 0:25:17..and their trousers fall down...
0:25:17 > 0:25:20RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:25:20 > 0:25:23..and they trip and they end up with the hose up their arsehole?
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Because my friend's boyfriend said this happens all the time!
0:25:27 > 0:25:32- All the time?- We have had a mobile phone in a certain area.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- I can reveal.- Did you?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38They were checking the ringtone or something?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I can't add anything funnier to that.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50PHONE RINGS
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Excuse me.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Yes?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Yes, visiting hours are from two to eight.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00No problem. All right. Bye.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03PHONE RINGS
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Holby City Casualty unit.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Aha, yeah. Oh, you poor thing!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Does it smell a bit?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Is there a discharge? Really?
0:26:17 > 0:26:21That is a lot, isn't it? No, no, no, don't come in!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23SIREN WAILS
0:26:23 > 0:26:27But Channel 5 might want to make a documentary about you.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32Oh, em, just take two Neurofen and try not to scratch it, flower.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37What's happening over here? Who's this then?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39SARAH GIGGLES
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Excuse me, are you medically qualified?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Erm...in a...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52..in a Gillian McKeith sort of way.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57So, no, not really.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01SHE GIGGLES
0:27:01 > 0:27:04CASUALTY THEME TUNE
0:27:04 > 0:27:07CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:27:09 > 0:27:13But I've got me own uniform!
0:27:13 > 0:27:14It's wipe clean.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Inside AND out.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20SHE GIGGLES
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- SENSUOUSLY:- Plums!
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Nurse, patient's complaining of pain in the lower legs.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I am going in for CPR.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# Nelly the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus... #
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Join in if you know it!
0:27:45 > 0:27:48# Off she went with a trumpety-trump Trump, trump, trump. #
0:27:48 > 0:27:51PATIENT FLATLINES
0:27:51 > 0:27:52We're losing him.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Give me the dif...the diff...tip
0:27:54 > 0:27:56..the jump-starty thing.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGES
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Clear!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04FAINT RHYTHM
0:28:05 > 0:28:09No...work...work with us, flower.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Have you not seen the telly ever?
0:28:12 > 0:28:15When I do the doof, you do the jump at the same time. Is that all right?
0:28:15 > 0:28:19We'll get you in RADA, it'll be champion, love. Yeah, OK, right.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Clear!
0:28:21 > 0:28:22DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGES
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Clear!
0:28:24 > 0:28:25RHYTHM PULSES
0:28:25 > 0:28:27CHEERING
0:28:31 > 0:28:33DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGES
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Excuse me, love. Where do you think you're going with that, now?
0:28:45 > 0:28:48This is bloody brilliant. I'm taking it home.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Thanks so much for coming into the show. Ladies and gentlemen,
0:28:52 > 0:28:57Tony, Azuka, Charlie and Suzanne from Casualty.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:04 > 0:29:05That's it for tonight.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about House -
0:29:08 > 0:29:09Hugh Laurie's limp,
0:29:09 > 0:29:13although he wouldn't be if I got me hands on him!
0:29:15 > 0:29:17The documentary The Man Who Looks Like A Tree.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20He looks better now that he's had his roots done!
0:29:22 > 0:29:26And we haven't had time to talk about Embarrassing Bodies Live -
0:29:26 > 0:29:29which is just the changing room at Primark! Good night!
0:29:29 > 0:29:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd