0:00:17 > 0:00:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Hello and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Now, I don't know about you, but I love watching telly with Twitter on
0:00:47 > 0:00:51as it's like watching telly with your friends but you don't have to hoover or buy crisps.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Watching the telly with one eye on Twitter is like chatting round your office water cooler,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- or taps, like we used to call them. - LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:05But without the added stress that at some point you might have to change the big bottle.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:13I used to work in an office and when the water cooler was running low, I'd start bringing in Capri Suns.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:17I'll just risk a bladder infection, it'll be fine.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I enjoy watching the show Hoarders.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25It puts everything into perspective, watching someone deliberate about
0:01:25 > 0:01:28whether they should throw out a dead rat or if they might need it.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31LAUGHTER
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I really love One Born Every Minute.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Not for the babies, I just like watching men look like they're going to pass out.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:48 > 0:01:52You know, I love the beginning of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here
0:01:52 > 0:01:56when they reveal all of the contestants, cos there's always one you thought was dead.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:03I'm not sure I could handle it in the jungle. I'm not very good at being hungry.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- LAUGHTER - I'd end up just picking off the other contestants.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11- LAUGHTER - They'd come back and go, "Where's Frankie Dettori?"
0:02:11 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:15 > 0:02:18"Sorry, it's two o'clock and I haven't had a sandwich."
0:02:18 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:25There's always one girl who ends up in the shower all the time looking sexy in a white bikini.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28The first one was Myleene Klass.
0:02:28 > 0:02:33Every time I watched her, I just kept thinking, "But when's she going to wash her fanny properly?"
0:02:33 > 0:02:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:39 > 0:02:43When does she go back in with her Bic razor and her special flannel?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:45 > 0:02:49For me, the worst task would be putting a bikini on.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:55"I don't want to." "Come on, get it on."
0:02:55 > 0:02:59"If you don't put it on, you'll have to eat those kangaroo anuses over there."
0:02:59 > 0:03:03"Those? I've been eating those all day!"
0:03:03 > 0:03:05LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:08APPLAUSE
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- "I thought they were nibbles." - LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:16I've always been a fan of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Remember when that bloke tried to cheat by having someone cough in the audience?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23They thought the same thing had happened on Countdown,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25but it turned out pensioners have a lot of phlegm.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28LAUGHTER
0:03:28 > 0:03:32One of my friends once rang me to say he'd been picked to go on Millionaire.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35He was so excited. He said he needed a Phone A Friend. I was so flattered.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- LAUGHTER - Then he said, "Have you go Ron's number?"
0:03:38 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- Have you seen All Star Mr And Mrs? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:03:45 > 0:03:50I'm waiting for one where the wife says, "Don't bother putting him in the booth, he never bloody listens."
0:03:50 > 0:03:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:55 > 0:04:00The celebs who've been on All Star Mr And Mrs include John Prescott and his wife Pauline,
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Warwick Davis and his wife Sammy and Ulrika Jonsson plus one.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08LAUGHTER
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Ooh, and Simon Cowell and a mirror.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13LAUGHTER
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I used to love Family Fortunes.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21One of my friends used to panic because she thought Family Fortunes was obligatory.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Eventually, all families had to go on. - LAUGHTER
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Like jury service. - LAUGHTER
0:04:26 > 0:04:30I've never done jury service, but when a fella I know did it,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- he got told off for milking it. - LAUGHTER
0:04:32 > 0:04:35When it was time to deliver the verdict, he paused, then said,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"First, let's have a look at his best bits."
0:04:38 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I love Take Me Out.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46You can sometimes see the girls struggling to give Paddy a reason
0:04:46 > 0:04:50for why they've turned their light off. You can't just go, "Urghhh!"
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- LAUGHTER - I saw one where she said...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- .."Because he looks like me dad!" - LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:05:00You don't know who your dad is.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:05APPLAUSE
0:05:06 > 0:05:08But everyone is looking for love.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I like reading the classifieds, the I Saw You section.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16You know, "You were the bloke on the bus listening to your iPod and looking out of the window.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19"I was the girl standing right beside you crying,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- "full of another man's child." - LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- "Coffee?" - LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:30John Fashanu presents the Nigerian version of Deal Or No Deal.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33They won't open the final box until you've paid a small handling fee.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:40The name The Banker sounds like the nickname of a girl you can definitely get off with.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- "Can I just introduce you to Jane? She's The Banker." - LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:48You wouldn't do that to blokes, though, cos they're all bankers.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50LAUGHTER
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I even bought a Deal Or No Deal boxset.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Bit disappointing. Half of them didn't really have anything in them. - LAUGHTER
0:05:57 > 0:06:00To find out about that and other goings on at the Dream Factory,
0:06:00 > 0:06:04please welcome, live from the Deal Or No Deal studio, Noel Edmonds!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Hello, Noel!- Hello!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Thank you very much for coming on the show!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14My pleasure! I love the gags.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19Now, you've been a well-known face of television for over 30 years,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21fronted numerous hit programmes,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23so what I really want to know from you is,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26how do you get your beard looking so neat?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- LAUGHTER - Is it a spray-on?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- How do you keep it so tidy? Do you get a woman in? - LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- Yes, you do? - SHE LAUGHS - Don't say that!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:48 > 0:06:51This is good. This is brilliant.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Your beard is very tidy. How often do you trim it?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Cos that reminds me, I must get a strimmer cord for my bikini line.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:03HE LAUGHS
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Do you trim it every day? - LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- Cos I do mine about once a week. - First thing in the morning. - LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:14- Just before I have to start tucking it in my socks. - Do you want me to answer?
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- Yeah, I do. - LAUGHTER
0:07:19 > 0:07:23How do you feel about James May stealing your hair?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Cos you used to present Top Gear, didn't you? Do you ever look at James May
0:07:30 > 0:07:32and his hair and his shirts and go, "Hang on..."?
0:07:32 > 0:07:36LAUGHTER
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Do I get to say anything? - LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:42All the bits where you're laughing, you can talk during any one of them.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- OK, well, let's ask you a question you can answer.- You do appreciate,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52I am at a disadvantage here cos I can't actually see you.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55You can see me and you could be embellishing this humour
0:07:55 > 0:08:00with all sorts of nasty and provoking hand gestures.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- LAUGHTER - I'm not doing anything at all.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Yeah, I can just imagine what you did then.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11APPLAUSE
0:08:11 > 0:08:16Moving on to Deal Or No Deal, is it true that there's a dwarf on a railway line under the studio floor
0:08:16 > 0:08:21- that changes what's in the boxes? - LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I think that's an exclusive. I think we just got an exclusive.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Now, why are the contestants on the show so chummy?
0:08:34 > 0:08:39Cos they all stay together, don't they, during the series.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Do you think they're opening each other's boxes backstage?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:46There has been that.
0:08:46 > 0:08:52We very fortunately have created a very friendly atmosphere at the hotel
0:08:52 > 0:08:57and we've had marriages, we've had babies
0:08:57 > 0:09:02and we've had a couple in the lift who didn't realise the hotel have a camera in the lift.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- LAUGHTER - Oooh!
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- They're pally. - LAUGHTER
0:09:08 > 0:09:14Now, some people come on and have a system for how they're going to choose their boxes, don't they?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Yeah.- Has there been a really ridiculous system?
0:09:16 > 0:09:21The best one, without a doubt, was the guy that came along
0:09:21 > 0:09:23and started choosing the numbers
0:09:23 > 0:09:26and he was doing it right here and then I said to him,
0:09:26 > 0:09:31"How are you doing this?" and he said, "Well, just before I left to come to Bristol,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34"I got my dog to choose the numbers."
0:09:34 > 0:09:38And it was like, "Well, how did your dog choose the numbers?"
0:09:38 > 0:09:41He said, "Well, I wrote numbers on bits of cheese
0:09:41 > 0:09:46"and then noted which bits of cheese the dog went for."
0:09:46 > 0:09:51And we, by this time, had chosen about 16 boxes and I asked him why he'd stopped.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54He said, "At that point, the dog threw up."
0:09:54 > 0:09:58LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:03Now, are you the last person in Britain still using a landline?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06LAUGHTER
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- Yes. Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:20Have you ever said anything mean about someone and blamed it on The Banker?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- LAUGHTER - You're just...
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- Oh, he has! - LAUGHTER
0:10:27 > 0:10:31No! No. No, no, no.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33No, no, no, I'm on the player's side.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35LAUGHTER
0:10:35 > 0:10:38What's the weirdest thing you've ever found in a box.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41For example, has anyone ever done the popcorn trick on you?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Do you know what the popcorn trick is?
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- Where you put it over your...- No. - LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:52You put the popcorn... This is a good tip for the next time you go to the cinema with your lovely lady,
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- you put the popcorn over your ge.... genitals... - LAUGHTER
0:10:56 > 0:10:59..and you force yourself through the popcorn
0:10:59 > 0:11:03so that she just, "Oh, I'll have a bit more popcorn, I'll have a bit more popcorn..."
0:11:03 > 0:11:05LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:09..and then... Is this only something that I've done?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Yes. Yes? OK.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17The audience don't know what that is, you don't know what that is.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- But now you do, now you can try it. - LAUGHTER
0:11:21 > 0:11:25It must be awful for you when you go to the swimming pool and have to choose a locker.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28LAUGHTER
0:11:28 > 0:11:32APPLAUSE
0:11:34 > 0:11:40This is fantastic! I'm loving this, Sarah. You are fantastic.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42LAUGHTER
0:11:42 > 0:11:45How long did it take you to get annoyed with people in shops
0:11:45 > 0:11:48saying "Deal!" at you all the time?
0:11:48 > 0:11:52I never get annoyed, cos I had ten years of bloody Blobby.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55LAUGHTER
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- That's a brilliant answer. - It's a breath of fresh air when people start talking about Deal
0:12:00 > 0:12:03when you've been followed around by a pink and yellow moron.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04LAUGHTER
0:12:04 > 0:12:07That's still Blobby, right? That's not your wife, is it?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Ooh! - SARAH LAUGHS
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- Ooh! Yellow card. - LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Now, I've been watching you since I was seven.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22How come I've got older and you haven't?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24LAUGHTER
0:12:24 > 0:12:29Well, is this the medium for me to actually confess
0:12:29 > 0:12:34that when I joined the BBC, I lied about my age
0:12:34 > 0:12:38because I knew that Radio 1
0:12:38 > 0:12:40would not hire an eight-year-old...
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- LAUGHTER - ..so I added ten years to my age.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45SHE LAUGHS
0:12:45 > 0:12:49You're asking all the questions. Did you enjoy your time here when you did the celebrity show?
0:12:49 > 0:12:54- Because you were rather good. - It was amazing. It was one of the most amazing days of my life.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- It was fantastic. - Bless you. Thank you, love.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00You won £20,000, it was brilliant.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Did you say I only won?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- LAUGHTER - No. I didn't use the word "only".
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- Are you sure? - You could've had more money,
0:13:07 > 0:13:11but obviously you're not skilled at playing such a sophisticated game.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- AUDIENCE: Ooooh!- Right, OK.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Well, now that you've said that, I think it's about time that we made you play the game.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:24It's time for Deal Or Noel Deal.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:26 > 0:13:29THEME MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- What do you want me to do? - I'm going to give you the numbers,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39you can open the boxes, and there are questions inside each box for you. OK?
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- Right, yes.- The questions I think that you'll like are all blue.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47The questions that are a bit cheekier are red.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52So let's pick a number. The first one, let me see, erm, let's go for number seven.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56That was the age when I first saw you on TV
0:13:56 > 0:13:58and realised how nice beards are.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- LAUGHTER - Open the box, Noel.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Good luck.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Yes, it's red! - LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:13Do you have the same stylist as Mary Berry?
0:14:13 > 0:14:17LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:18- HE LAUGHS - Yes.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- Excellent.- I cannot deny it.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I work on the principle that if you don't change the way you look
0:14:25 > 0:14:28then you're going to be trendy about once every seven years.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- LAUGHTER - Is that coming round any time soon?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:37APPLAUSE
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Now let's try box 22.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44That's the number of yards that restraining order says I should stay away from you.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- PHONE RINGS - Ooh.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Hold on, I've got The Banker on.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Uh-huh. He's offered me three grand.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58He says I was mis-sold PPI and I'm entitled to make a claim.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:03 > 0:15:06OK, Noel, open the box!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Number 22. Good luck.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Yes.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- It's red again! - LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Do you ever ask your wife if you can open her box?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20LAUGHTER
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- PHONE RINGS - Oh, saved by the bell.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25LAUGHTER
0:15:25 > 0:15:29My first pet's name was Password.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER
0:15:31 > 0:15:34APPLAUSE
0:15:34 > 0:15:39My mother's maiden name? My mother never married, thanks very much for bringing that up.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Thank you so much for coming on the show, Noel.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Ladies and gentlemen, Noel Edmonds. - Oh, thank you.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you, Sarah. Thank you.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I heard that on his show Apocalypse,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Derren Brown was accused of using an actor.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- That's never happened on Hollyoaks. - LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Derren Brown's Apocalypse made a man believe that humanity had come to an end
0:16:09 > 0:16:12as he ran around a devastated landscape.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Derren's best trick on that show, though,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17was making the Welcome To Swindon sign disappear.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Come to think of it, Derren Brown's greatest ever trick
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- was making Paul McKenna disappear. - LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:28APPLAUSE
0:16:30 > 0:16:34I'm a bit scared of hypnotists and illusionists.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Whenever Derren Brown says, "I can control your mind"
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I think, "Not on mute, you can't!"
0:16:39 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I think women are harder to please where magic is concerned.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Producing a rabbit is nothing. We've all got one in our bedside cabinets.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:55 > 0:16:58But there aren't many female magicians, are there?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02I suppose you don't want to go home to your dad and tell him you're making money doing tricks.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:07David Blaine sexed up magic for a while, didn't he?
0:17:07 > 0:17:12In 2008, he announced his latest feat was to be called The Upside Down Man.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15It was also referred to as The Twat Dangle.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19LAUGHTER
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Which is what I call it when my nightie's too short.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Paul Daniels still says he's the greatest magician there is.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36He's what's known as a dillusionist.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I always think magicians can seem a bit sad.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46- When they bring their card out, I often expect it to say "Help me!" - LAUGHTER
0:17:46 > 0:17:49"Look, there's nothing up my sleeves. Just the scars."
0:17:49 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I don't like it when couples say that there's magic between them.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- I imagine each night he's pulling bunting out of her nunny. - LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:06APPLAUSE
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Magicians often end up marrying their assistants.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14It's like they're thinking, "If she'll let me shut her in a box
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"and saw her in half, what else will she let us do?"
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- LAUGHTER - "And when I finish, will she go ta-da?"
0:18:20 > 0:18:24LAUGHTER
0:18:24 > 0:18:27What I'd like to do now is find out the tricks of the magic trade.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29So please welcome magician Pete Firman!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Hiya!
0:18:37 > 0:18:42- Thank you.- Thank you very much for coming on the show, Pete.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47- My pleasure! - Tell me, are you looking for a new glamorous assistant?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I'm always in the market for one. Have you got a pretty outfit?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- Oh, I thought you were going to say friend. - LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Does magic impress the ladies? Do you find that?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Unfortunately... From my experience, and it might just be me,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- I'm not sure the tricks get the chicks.- Oh, really?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- No.- Not even during... - AUDIENCE: Awww!
0:19:08 > 0:19:15- Not even during sexy time? - What do you mean? Like, just, pack of cards from behind the lady's ear?
0:19:15 > 0:19:20- No, like now you see it, now you don't.- Oh, right, I see! - LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:23APPLAUSE
0:19:25 > 0:19:31You used to do a lot of really gross stuff, like blending mice and popping maggots out of your eyes.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33What's the worst thing you've ever done of that ilk?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Well, those were pretty disgusting.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Regurgitating a goldfish.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- Ohh! Was it alive? - It was alive, yeah.- Oh, right.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Cos I've done that with my dinner and that's just called being sick, flower.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- LAUGHTER - "Oh, the roast potatoes are still alive!"
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- LAUGHTER - "Should've chewed them more."
0:19:51 > 0:19:53LAUGHTER
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- So that's the worst thing you've ever done? - The thing that I quite enjoy doing,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01and when I went to Edinburgh, it went down quite well,
0:20:01 > 0:20:06I used to do this trick that you mentioned where I dropped a mouse in a food processor.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09And it got blended up and then I brought it back to life.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11That was the end of the trick.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15But halfway through the trick, at the point at which the mouse is blended up,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18this lady at the back stands up and she starts swearing
0:20:18 > 0:20:23and she's heckling, a couple of lines or whatever,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26and I thought it had gone away, and then she storms the stage,
0:20:26 > 0:20:30gets up on the stage, all in my grill, swearing and pointing,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"How dare you? That's terrible! That's so mean!"
0:20:32 > 0:20:35and I was like, "Come on, don't worry about it, they only cost three quid."
0:20:35 > 0:20:38LAUGHTER
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- You and Paul Daniels are both from Middlesbrough.- Yeah.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Do you think you could combine your powers
0:20:46 > 0:20:49and make Middlesbrough a bit nicer?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- LAUGHTER - Or maybe disappear?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- LAUGHTER - There's nowt wrong with it!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- Aw, it is a lovely place. - It is lovely.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01I once did a show in Middlesbrough and I had a fancy thing on my phone
0:21:01 > 0:21:04where I could see if there was anything on, cos we had a bit of time to kill,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07so I had a look on my phone and I said, "What's to do in Middlesbrough?"
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- and it came up, "No results." - LAUGHTER
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- I was gutted cos I was on. - LAUGHTER
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- I can't have a magician on without you showing me a trick.- OK.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Shall we go and do some magic? - Definitely. - DING!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Over here!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- That was great!- Thanks. Do you not know how to do that?
0:21:35 > 0:21:40That's like step one in magic. I can't believe you can't do that. You had to walk across. What a loser.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42LAUGHTER
0:21:42 > 0:21:45So, what have you got for us?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- Well, I tell you what, I'll show you a trick.- OK.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- I want you to have a seat, though. - Right.- The best seat in here.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- It's not a trick seat or anything, is it? - No, no, no. You just sit down.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- OK. I love a bit of sitting down. - Yeah?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Sit yourself down. Relax. It's a trick with a newspaper.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03I'm going to thumb through this, and all I ask from you and the audience and everybody at home
0:22:03 > 0:22:07is that you just remember something that catches your eye. It could be a picture.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11it could be a photograph. Remember something from this particular edition.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16Now, if I tore this up, you might have a good idea as to what I was going to try and do.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Not the dancing dolls.- They must have loved you on a paper round.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- LAUGHTER - I'm going to tear up the pieces
0:22:23 > 0:22:29and I'm going to stick the pieces back together using magic. The magic of sticky tape.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I'll take the edges of the newspaper and just squeeze,
0:22:32 > 0:22:36and hopefully just by squeezing the edges of the newspaper, I'll force it to fuse back together
0:22:36 > 0:22:38so the newspaper is back in one piece. Check it out.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Just a magic word - shazam!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- It's done.- Good, cos there's a coupon in there I wanted.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46LAUGHTER
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Look, there's the newspaper.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- There's that page... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:52 > 0:22:56There's the middle page, there's the third page, there's the front page.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- That's not bad. - Oh, look at that! That is amazing!
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Have you got something you could teach me, though?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Absolutely! I show you mine and...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09and you just sit where you are.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12LAUGHTER
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I've got some bits here and I've got another chair.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- We'll sit side by side.- OK. - So you know the classic card trick,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- this is exactly that.- But I'm doing it. You're going to teach me.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23You're going to do it to me. And I've prepared a little bit of a script,
0:23:23 > 0:23:27sort of like a framework script, just to keep everything on track.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- So you grab those and whenever you're ready, read the cards.- OK.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Would you like to see a trick? - I'd love to see a trick!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Do you have a pack of cards? - I do! What a stroke of luck!
0:23:36 > 0:23:41That's good, cos you're a magician. It's like asking a prostitute if she's got a wet wipe.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44LAUGHTER
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Put those on your lap. When they do the "pick a card, any card,"
0:23:50 > 0:23:53they always spread them out like that and fan them.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55So you grab those and spread them out for me.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Spread out me fan. - Spread out your fan.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- LAUGHTER - Legs together.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- LAUGHTER - Ah, you know me well, Pete.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Pick a card, any card.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09Done like a pro! All right, I'll pick a card. Now you've got to multi-task. Next line.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- Sign your name on the card and show it to the audience.- OK. - Just pretend you're signing on, pet.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- All right! - LAUGHTER - We're going back to Middlesbrough.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21- SHE LAUGHS - Done. You have to not look. Avert your little eyes.- OK.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- Don't look at anything on the things. OK. Have we got that? - Have you all seen it?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- AUDIENCE: Yes!- OK. Done. - Shove the card into the deck.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- Just shove it in anywhere. - It says shuffle.- Oh, shuffle!
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- LAUGHTER - Shove it in anywhere you like, pet.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41OK, so I'll cut the card into the pack. It's lost in the middle.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- Next line.- I snap my fingers and the card has vanished.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Careful, I might end up back over there. - LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- That's brilliant. - Thanks. I'm good at snapping.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53We've got to check whether it's disappeared.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Let's go through. No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Are you going to pick them up? - You've got staff, haven't you?
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- No, no, no, it's gone! Oh, my goodness!- Whoo!
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Incredible!
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- What was your card? - It was the six of diamonds.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- Six of diamonds.- You're not going to believe this, and neither am I,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- because, dot, dot, dot, I'm sitting on it!- You can't be!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I don't believe it! Stand up!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Step to the side. There is a card! - SARAH SQUEALS
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- There is a card! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:30It's my card! It's my card!
0:25:30 > 0:25:35- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Wow! Hey, and it's still warm.- Ohh.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I did do a little fart cos I was nervous.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- LAUGHTER - It smells like magic.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47- LAUGHTER - That's all well and good, in fact, I was clearly brilliant,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50but real magic is when you saw someone in half.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53DRAMATIC MUSIC AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- This looks good. - APPLAUSE
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Shoes off. Watch yourself.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- Get yourself in.- Ooh, you bugger. - LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- That's right, graceful. - Oh, God, has anybody got any butter?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12LAUGHTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- That's good.- I'm so graceful! - LAUGHTER
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- Shimmy down that way. - Shimmy down.- Yep.- OK.- Lay back.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- Are your hands in?- Yes. - Just put them like that.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- LAUGHTER - It saves time later.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- Happy?- Yes.- I'm not going to get you on the lady bits?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Right.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- I'm surprised that's shut over my boobs, actually. - LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- That's cos half of them are under my arms. - LAUGHTER
0:26:41 > 0:26:45- And over here we've got Sarah's legs.- Oh, are you opening my flaps?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:50APPLAUSE
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I don't think Debbie's this rude.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- LAUGHTER - And then the other stuff.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- That's the boob cupboard. - LAUGHTER
0:27:02 > 0:27:07- This is exciting! - LAUGHTER
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- I'm going to need a bigger saw. - LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- Bollocks! - LAUGHTER
0:27:25 > 0:27:28We're going to run out of time here. That's it for tonight.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about University Challenge.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36I thought that was getting through freshers' week without getting the clap.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:38 > 0:27:43Don't Forget The Lyrics. I really liked that special edition they did with Paul McCartney
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- at the opening ceremony of the Olympics. - LAUGHTER
0:27:46 > 0:27:52- Eggheads, or as it should be called, Are You Smarter Than A 60-Year-Old? - LAUGHTER
0:27:52 > 0:27:55We didn't have time to talk about Can't Cook, Won't Cook.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57There aren't enough TV shows that sound like an argument.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00"And I won't bloody hoover, either!"
0:28:00 > 0:28:03CHAINSAW WHIRRS
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Good night!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:15SARAH SCREAMS
0:28:17 > 0:28:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:21 > 0:28:21.