0:00:05 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Hello! And welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42CHEERING
0:00:42 > 0:00:48Now I love telly, but I always want to rename shows with what I think they should be called.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Like I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here should be called
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Oh, Yeah, I Remember Him, He Was In That Thing With That Woman.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:00:59 > 0:01:03I love Derren Brown's shows. He's a great manipulator of the mind.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08He's even convinced us all he's not called Darren.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Jamie Oliver's just done a show on 15-minute meals.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Last time it was 30-minute meals, this time 15. I'll just hang on.
0:01:17 > 0:01:24I'll wait until they're three-minute meals, cos he's finally got himself a bloody microwave!
0:01:32 > 0:01:37They say television's for everyone, but some programmes are clearly aimed at blokes.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Saying that, Ross Kemp is a guilty pleasure of mine.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48Ross Kemp On Gangs. Ross Kemp On Toast!
0:01:48 > 0:01:54And if he's unreasonable and a little bit weepy, it's just Ross Kemp On.
0:01:55 > 0:02:00And if I need a little bit of testosterone, I watch Danny Dyer.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02AUDIENCE "Ooh"
0:02:02 > 0:02:06They seem to be sick of using the word "dangerous" in his programmes,
0:02:06 > 0:02:11so they've started using softer language, but in that gruff voice.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14They say people have been "naughty".
0:02:14 > 0:02:16LAUGHTER
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Danny, he's a murderer! He needs to go to prison, not on a bloody step!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"There's gonna be a kerfuffle.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"A bit of a to-do."
0:02:26 > 0:02:30World's Deadliest Hoo-Has.
0:02:31 > 0:02:37I've been watching a lot of Man Versus Food. That is good shit, isn't it?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:45I read on his Facebook page - not that I've been checking him out - that he's retired.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49And I thought, "Ah, he's finally full."
0:02:49 > 0:02:53I used to think comedy was my dream job. Nope!
0:02:53 > 0:02:57There must be an opening for a Woman Versus Food.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02Travel the world eating big dinners with people clapping when I finish.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I'm not even bothered about the travelling bit.
0:03:05 > 0:03:12I'd like to see a British version of Ice Road Truckers where they have to start a car on a chilly morning.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16It's all right. He's got de-icer and a Boots Advantage card for scraping.
0:03:18 > 0:03:24Actually, I love Ice Road Truckers. It's not often you get to see 30-metre skid marks.
0:03:24 > 0:03:31That's enough about blokey shows. What I enjoy is stuff like The One Show and This Morning.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36I love the gear changes that they do where the subjects can vary so dramatically,
0:03:36 > 0:03:41you have to get your voice right. Let's see if I can do one now.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:49It's lovely to have Nigel Havers on!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- GRAVELY: - Herpes affects millions.
0:03:59 > 0:04:05I'm a big fan of Sex And The City and one of my male friends told me the reason it has female nudity
0:04:05 > 0:04:09is to encourage more male viewers. That's bullshit.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14If that were true, Ross Kemp On Gangs would have bits that say,
0:04:14 > 0:04:19"We're in hostile terrain, surrounded by landmines and it's over 40 degrees Celsius.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22"What shoes would you recommend, Terry?"
0:04:23 > 0:04:27I love those makeover shows, especially 10 Years Younger.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32I'd like to ring up and say, "Can I go on twice, please?"
0:04:32 > 0:04:37I like it when they revisit people they made over. "Are you happier?"
0:04:37 > 0:04:41"Well, thanks to you I'm saddled with catalogue debt keeping this up."
0:04:41 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:47I see Surprise Surprise has returned, but I do miss Cilla Black.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51We always used to watch it on a Sunday night as a family.
0:04:51 > 0:04:58Every week my mam would lean over and go, "There's a reason we're not in touch with some of our family.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03"So don't get any ideas, right."
0:05:04 > 0:05:09Another thing I love is craft shows. The kind of thing presented by Kirstie Allsopp.
0:05:09 > 0:05:15I loved craft at school. The best thing about it was painting glue on your hands and peeling it off.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17APPLAUSE
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Oh, you liked that?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23You could pretend you had eczema.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Ah, the fun we had.
0:05:27 > 0:05:33My sister made a coil pot for my mam out of clay. My mam gave it a good soak in the sink
0:05:33 > 0:05:40as her and my dad had been using it as an ashtray. But when she put her hands in, it had disintegrated!
0:05:40 > 0:05:47When I say coil pot, it's made from coiling a sausage of clay around in a circle.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51It wasn't somewhere for my mam to keep her coil!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00She kept that inside, anyway.
0:06:02 > 0:06:08The annoying thing when someone makes you a present is that you can't take it back.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13You have to take it apart and hand a small bag of stuff into Hobbycraft. "That's yours."
0:06:15 > 0:06:22I could get into pottery, but only if you played Unchained Melody and a ghost was feeling my tits.
0:06:26 > 0:06:32In Kirstie's Homemade Home, Kirstie takes what's in your house and makes something amazing.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37I followed her lead and turned my boyfriend into a bean bag chair.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42She does amazing things. She blew a molten glass bauble and made a wreath.
0:06:42 > 0:06:48If I tried to blow a glass bauble, I'd probably need a wreath as well!
0:06:48 > 0:06:54Please welcome the woman who makes everything around her lovely - it's Kirstie Allsopp!
0:07:02 > 0:07:10- Thank you very much for coming on the show, lovely Kirstie.- Very nice to be on your vintage set.- It's old.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15People often think that you and Phil Spencer are an item, don't they?
0:07:15 > 0:07:20- Yeah. - Have you ever thought, "Fuck it! I'm going to have a go on that"?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23"People are thinking it. I might as well have a go."
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:07:36 > 0:07:43Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I can deny it until I'm blue in the face. It convinces no one.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- So you have.- No...! LAUGHTER
0:07:46 > 0:07:51It's a very hard to explain relationship.
0:07:51 > 0:07:58And...we haven't. People say, "You must have. Some late night in a hotel room. You must have."
0:07:58 > 0:08:05- But we just haven't.- Really? - It would be like snogging your brother.- Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I haven't got a brother, but I can imagine.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12What's the best offer Phil has given you?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:20He...
0:08:20 > 0:08:25This is ALL of the questions. They're all about this.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Have you touched it?
0:08:33 > 0:08:38Do you get a better deal from estate agents because they know you?
0:08:38 > 0:08:45- Phil and I believe that all estate agents are not bad and some very good ones get a bad rap.- Really?
0:08:45 > 0:08:51- You really believe that?!- Really. - Wow. Can you point out the ones that are nice? We don't know any.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54AUDIENCE: No!
0:08:54 > 0:08:59One estate agent gazumped a client of ours and we were firm.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- Gazumped is a great word. It sounds a lot more fun than it is.- Yeah.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Have you and Phil ever gazumped?
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Do you really do all of this crafts stuff at home? Your loft must be full of crap.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24It is absolutely full of crap. I do a lot of fixing at home.
0:09:24 > 0:09:31I don't get to do that many new projects, which is a bit sad, but the fixing and mending...
0:09:31 > 0:09:37- It takes up less time. - You can start it. I have a whole collection of little clamps.
0:09:37 > 0:09:45- Like big clamps... Actually, let's not go there.- No, tell us about your clamps, Kirstie.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Tell us about your different-sized clamps.
0:09:51 > 0:09:58It's when you glue things. You know, imagine that this bit was coming off the desk.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I'd just bin it. The whole desk.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06My boyfriend takes lots of magazines and newspapers into the toilet.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Is that sort of upcycling it into a library?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14What you can do with magazines is decoupage.
0:10:14 > 0:10:19You can cut pictures out and then stick them. I could decoupage these tables.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Whatever magazines he likes, you could theme that table.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- Like a tit table. - LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Come on in. I did this myself.
0:10:36 > 0:10:42- You do a lot of gluing, don't you? - Yes.- What's the stickiest substance you've ever come across?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Adhesive carpet spray.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Good answer!- Yes. - That was mine as well.
0:10:52 > 0:11:00Some African tribes use a mixture of semen and blood to glue their drum skins down.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05That's not a euphemism, by the way. Will that work with Christmas cards?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- The smell! - It's the stirring that bothers me.
0:11:14 > 0:11:20- You've got to stir it together so that it's blended. - They've got to emulsify it?- Yes!
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- Wow! - I don't know. I made that bit up.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28What is macrame? Is it the same as other pastas?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- You've made your own babies, haven't you?- Yes.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50That must be the toughest craft there is.
0:11:50 > 0:11:57- Was there much stitching and gluing? - A lot of stitching. 11lbs 11 ounces.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- Oh, my God! That is huge! - Yeah, that was out the sun roof.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- Do you still love that one?- Yes... LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:11- But it was a Caesarean section.- Yes. - Obviously.- As it should be.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Otherwise, you'd be on a cushion still now!
0:12:15 > 0:12:21You've got a book out at the moment, haven't you? I followed your advice and instead of buying it,
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- I've made a copy. - LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- That's good. - This is it here.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36APPLAUSE
0:12:40 > 0:12:45- You can have a closer look. - That is beautif...
0:12:45 > 0:12:51- Oh, I love that dress. - Wait until you find what I've stuck it down with!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Thanks so much for coming. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kirstie Allsopp!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I hope she washes her hands first.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13My boyfriend can't stand craft shows, but he loves sci-fi.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18I quite like sci-fi, but sometimes there's a cop-out at the end.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22It's like the writers are sitting at 10 to 4 and they're stuck,
0:13:22 > 0:13:27so the lazy bastards just reverse the polarity, whatever that means.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Or it turns out it all happened on the holodeck, the pretendy room.
0:13:31 > 0:13:38Like when we had to write a story at school and the teacher said, "You've got 10 minutes to finish,"
0:13:38 > 0:13:44so every single story I wrote ended, no matter what was happening, with, "So they all went home and had tea."
0:13:44 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:46 > 0:13:51We went to see Doctor Who Live because my boyfriend's in his 30s.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59In the interval, he stood in a queue to meet one of the scarecrows, the silent ones.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01In a queue of five-year-olds.
0:14:05 > 0:14:12I took a photo of them. He is the happiest I've ever seen him. I'll never make him that happy.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I could get some sackcloth.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20"I could be quiet for you."
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- LAUGHTER - He couldn't.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30If I was to have sex with an alien in Doctor Who, it would be the Ood. Do you remember them?
0:14:30 > 0:14:35They look like they've had loads of tagliatelle just hanging down.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I think that would be pretty special down there.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:44 > 0:14:48I like Brian Cox because I think he's made science sexy, hasn't he?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50SHOUTS OF "Ooh!"
0:14:50 > 0:14:56I like his astronomy shows. I've always been into astronomy, although I don't know anything about it.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01When we first got together, me and my boyfriend went away to the country.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06We stayed in a little cabin. He kept calling it a chalet, but it was definitely a cabin.
0:15:06 > 0:15:12One night, the sky was really clear and he said, "I'm going to show you some constellations."
0:15:12 > 0:15:17He pointed out Orion and I thought, "I know that one," but I went, "Ooh!"
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Then he said, "That's the North Star," and I thought, "I know that one an' all,"
0:15:22 > 0:15:26but I said, "You're so knowledgeable."
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Then he said, "There's the Plough." I thought, "I only know those three.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"Everything else from now on in is learning."
0:15:34 > 0:15:36He looked around and he went...
0:15:36 > 0:15:39"There's another Plough."
0:15:39 > 0:15:43I said, "You don't know any more than I do."
0:15:43 > 0:15:45We saw five Ploughs that night!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47And then he saved me from a bear.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51We were in the Lake District.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55I said it was probably a badger, but he insisted it was a bear.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59It was very low down, so it must have been going on its arms.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01LAUGHTER
0:16:01 > 0:16:04It was wearing a black and white stripy hat.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10The only thing I remember from Science at school is that when there was a fire,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13the lab burned down with a green flame.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20And always let a Bunsen burner cool down before you start pretending it's a willy.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Otherwise, you burn your lips.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27APPLAUSE
0:16:30 > 0:16:34One time in Science, we had to wire up a frog to a battery
0:16:34 > 0:16:39and it turned out that was the last year of the French exchange programme.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45We did experiments burning magnesium, growing cress
0:16:45 > 0:16:48and seeing how long it took to make the supply teacher cry.
0:16:48 > 0:16:54For most of us, Biology class was the first time we got a good look at a man's penis.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57He doesn't teach any more.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:17:01 > 0:17:05In Physics, we learnt that moisture can reduce friction,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09though Christian Andrews had learnt that at the back of the bike sheds.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:13 > 0:17:15They taught us about all the great scientists.
0:17:15 > 0:17:21All I remember about Galileo is that they would not let him go... # Let him go! #
0:17:21 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER
0:17:23 > 0:17:28I want to find out more about science, so please welcome scientist, doctor, TV presenter
0:17:28 > 0:17:31and all-round clever clogs, Michael Mosley!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33APPLAUSE
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Hello, Michael.- Hello. - Welcome to the show.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46You're my favourite scientist because you do stuff that people are interested in
0:17:46 > 0:17:49like food and the body...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- and food. - LAUGHTER
0:17:51 > 0:17:56- You swallowed a camera to show the workings of your inside? - I did indeed.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- You had to drink four pints of laxative at one point?- I did.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04That was to clear out the system before I had to swallow the camera.
0:18:04 > 0:18:10It was very unfortunate because that evening I was going to dinner with the Director-General of the BBC
0:18:10 > 0:18:12and everything exploded.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17It was a very bad moment, but I was beautifully clean when I swallowed the camera the next morning.
0:18:19 > 0:18:25If you're ever doing it, my top tip would be don't go out to dinner. Just stay very close to a toilet.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Do not, whatever you do, take the train.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33To be honest, every time I've been on a train, it feels like you've already been on there.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38You've had your legs waxed and you ate chocolates until you were sick.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Were you just a bit depressed at the time?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45What's really, really depressing is the hair has not grown back.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47They look better than mine.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55Tell us about your famous 5 to 2 diet. Is that what time you have your second dinner?
0:18:55 > 0:19:00It's basically fasting. I did this film because I was a bit overweight.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I was about 13½ stone. I went for...
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- SHE LAUGHS - Sorry.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Is that what "overweight" sounds like?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- Yeah.- I've learnt something tonight. Thanks for that.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14They put me through an MRI machine and told me I was a TOFI.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18A TOFI is somebody who is thin on the outside, fat inside.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22They showed me these images with my kidneys and liver encased in fat.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27- They said, "You have to do something about this."- You're a thin person with a fat person trying to get out?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29The fat person is trapped inside.
0:19:29 > 0:19:35- So you went on this diet?- I went on the diet. What happens is I fast two days a week. So on a Monday...
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Hold on, hold on. When you say "fast"...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- I have 500 calories. - How many Minstrels is that?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- About three!- About three Minstrels? - No, about two packets.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Are you working on those days?
0:19:49 > 0:19:55Yeah, I feel absolutely fine. We get used to just eating three meals a day and we do that all the time.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- Sorry, three? - LAUGHTER
0:19:59 > 0:20:04Four or five or six. The idea of eating a lot less for one day is really quite shocking,
0:20:04 > 0:20:09- but when you do it, it's actually all right. Give it a go.- No.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I struggle to get between meals.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18I'll challenge you on that one. I'll come back and see the super-slim one. It works.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22I don't respond well to peer pressure.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25You can't make us. You're not me mam!
0:20:26 > 0:20:32You say that going to the gym is a waste of time because then you have a muffin.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Can I just ask where this gym is?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:45Almost every gym. Basically, people go to the gym, they do the exercise and then they reward themselves.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Exercise very rarely helps people lose weight.
0:20:48 > 0:20:54They did some research and found that people ate more when they started thinking about doing exercise.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Yeah, because the thought of exercise makes me depressed.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03One thing that really interests me is the golden ratio.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08- You're going to do a little demonstration for me. - I am.- OK, let's go to my lab.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10APPLAUSE
0:21:15 > 0:21:17So...
0:21:18 > 0:21:21So tell me more about the golden ratio.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26It's the golden mean, the divine proportion. It was something the Greeks discovered.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31- It's probably best if I show it on these guys. - Yeah. I see my delivery's arrived!
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I think this is extraordinary. OK...
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I think it's extraordinary as well!
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- I'm just going to measure from his... - From his what?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:46From his belly button. Right, that's 112.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49And to the top of his head, just up there...
0:21:52 > 0:21:53And there, that's 68.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- So that is 1.64. OK?- OK.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- And I'm about to do some more.- OK.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04- What are we measuring now, Michael? - I'm measuring the length of her forearm.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11- That is 1.56. OK?- Right.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14So you're kind of beginning to see a pattern here.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19I'll do your face. Let's go down there. I think I should not have used the indelible one.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21LAUGHTER
0:22:23 > 0:22:26So that gives you a ratio of 1.6.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31Before we go on with your magic sums, tell me about this. Now...
0:22:31 > 0:22:35We know this, don't we? Ladies, we know this, don't we?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39That, apparently... You must know this. This is the same size...
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- ..as your vagina. - HE LAUGHS
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Did you know that? - I didn't know that.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Well, it is mine.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Is that not...
0:22:55 > 0:23:01- I thought that was a thing. Is that not a thing? - It's not a thing I've ever heard of.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- Do us your sums.- Sorry.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07What you see here is a ratio of approximately 1.6, 1.62.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10The divine proportion is a number of...
0:23:10 > 0:23:141.62 is the absolute epitome of perfection.
0:23:14 > 0:23:21He should be ever so slightly longer in the leg. Your arm is very good. Your face is beautiful.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24OK, let me... I've got some cards here.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- George Clooney.- Yeah. SHOUTS OF "Ooh!" - The audience all went, "Ooh!"
0:23:29 > 0:23:34- He's like the ultimate, isn't he, really?- He is. George is beautiful.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37He is 12 inches... SHE LAUGHS
0:23:38 > 0:23:41He is 12 inches by 7.5
0:23:41 > 0:23:45which is approximately 1.61.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- That is close.- He has absolutely beautiful proportions.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52What about somebody close to my heart, Phillip Schofield?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55What do you think? Let's have a measure of him.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- He's too fat in the face and his teeth...- What?
0:24:00 > 0:24:05He's close. His nose is right for his mouth. If I look at the proportions there...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07"His nose is right for his mouth!"
0:24:07 > 0:24:13He's got a ratio, which is the right one, of about 1.6. His mouth is 1.6 times wider than his nose.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18- That's the proportion you're looking for.- Well, he's still perfect to me.
0:24:18 > 0:24:24These are people that we recognise off the telly. What about a normal bloke? We've got this picture.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28You look at him and you think, "He's a serial killer."
0:24:28 > 0:24:29LAUGHTER
0:24:29 > 0:24:34- No, he's really skewy. - Do you want to tell him to his face? He's in the audience.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER
0:24:36 > 0:24:38APPLAUSE
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I think you look lovely, flower.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47- It's my rugby nose. - It's your rugby nose that makes you look a bit skewy?
0:24:47 > 0:24:53You look at that and his nose is almost as wide as his mouth which is not a good look.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56But I bet his wife loves him. Am I right? Yes.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59She's got a ring on her finger. That's good.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01OK, let's do some comparisons.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03SHE GIGGLES
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I'm looking out at the audience here!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- Whoa, yes!- Mick Hucknall's not in. Don't worry.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Mick Hucknall and then Michael Mosley.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19Now, what's interesting about Mick Hucknall is he's not a looker, is he?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:25He's basically got an enormous, square face.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- Yes.- I reckon he's about 1.4.
0:25:29 > 0:25:35- That's weak, isn't it?- That's bad. - What about you? Are you...? - A bit fat-faced, I'd say.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39A bit like a serial killer? I'm getting my own back, flower!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- What about Angelina?- Ooh!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Ooh, OK. You're interested.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Good.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- And this woman.- Whoo!
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- Do you want to have a go? - I think I can fix her a bit.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58She's all right, isn't she,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01but I think if I just did...
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Like that. That might help you compare them.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Does that help?- That's perfect.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Is she pretty much perfect? - As close to perfect as it gets.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16I had a look at her earlier and her proportions are perfect...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- On your phone, was it? - I didn't quite...
0:26:19 > 0:26:22LAUGHTER
0:26:22 > 0:26:26I haven't tried that one, but they have actually...
0:26:26 > 0:26:29A gynaecologist has examined 5,000 uteruses
0:26:29 > 0:26:34and he's discovered that the perfect womb is basically a ratio of 1 to 1.6.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- It works the same inside and out? - Perfect, yeah.- What about this one?
0:26:38 > 0:26:43She's absolutely gorgeous. I don't know who she is. I don't think I've seen her before.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45The ratio is just...spectacular.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:48 > 0:26:50What I'd like to do...
0:26:51 > 0:26:55I don't know about her, but I'd quite like to do you.
0:26:55 > 0:27:01- So I think the nose there... We're getting the look now.- You're just having fun now, aren't you?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Let's see.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07- Ooh...- Don't "ooh"! What does "ooh" mean?
0:27:07 > 0:27:12- I can't breathe now.- Perfect. Absolutely gorgeous.- Bless you!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- Better than...? - Just a bit more, I think, there.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Just blend it into my actual 'tache, why don't you?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- Better than her?- Which do we prefer?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:28 > 0:27:33Thank you so much for coming on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Mosley!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Better than Angelina. I bet Brad Pitt's regretting that.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Call me, call me.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- Look at the size of that! - LAUGHTER
0:27:52 > 0:27:54APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:28:03That's it for tonight. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about Trinny and Susannah.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06In fact, no-one has for five years.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09For God's sake, one of you go into the bloody jungle!
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Or Gok Wan who now says he'll make you look like a goddess.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Six arms and the head of an elephant!
0:28:16 > 0:28:19What about Chris Tarrant's new show, Extreme Railways?
0:28:19 > 0:28:26That's when you're trying to get from Manchester to London for under 100 quid after 4pm on a Friday!
0:28:26 > 0:28:30And we haven't had time to talk about Inside Nature's Giants,
0:28:30 > 0:28:35which I thought was Peter Andre's documentary about his honeymoon with Jordan. Good night!
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd