0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:47The great thing about watching your favourite TV show with other people is NOTHING, stop talking!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49LAUGHTER
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Yeah, tell us about your day, then.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Are you done?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00They're talking again.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05Should I just record this and watch it later on, when you've gone?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08I never know whether I'm pausing the telly or playing my boyfriend.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14I was hoping I might get offered one of those exploring travel shows
0:01:14 > 0:01:16like Caroline Quentin's Passage to India.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21Although I don't like travelling very far because I've just got a cat.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24It would probably just be me going around the Trafford Centre
0:01:24 > 0:01:26picking up a few bits.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28LAUGHTER
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I tried to watch The Voice but I wasn't really sure about it.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35The rotating chairs were quite good but I always felt for Tom Jones.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38He needs a chair like my Nan had that lifts you out of it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Then we could pop him in the bath.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I think, thanks to TV,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51if pushed, I could give birth, buy some tat at an auction,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55get amazing abs in three weeks and teach a child how to behave.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57You know how to check a bloke's prostate,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59but no-one I know will let us have a go.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:09 > 0:02:14Have you ever noticed that whenever the news report extreme weather conditions,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16it's always much worse than what you've got.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19They've got a man in a boat in his lounge and you're all,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22"Oh, my shoes are soaking and they're suede!"
0:02:22 > 0:02:27I call it the Think Yourself Lucky section of the news.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29It should be at the end of every news programme.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32"These winds might have broken slates off your roof,
0:02:32 > 0:02:36"but this lady is holding onto her dog's tail so he doesn't blow away.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40"Think yourself lucky! Goodnight."
0:02:40 > 0:02:42It's a really positive way to end the news.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47Well, positive for everybody apart from the poor sod in the clip.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"We'd like to film you for BBC News."
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"Oh, it's not for the Think Yourself Lucky bit, is it?"
0:02:51 > 0:02:53"Yes it is."
0:02:53 > 0:02:54"Oh, man!"
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I only really watch the news when I have to.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I don't mean, like, if somebody I know is on the run.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06"They're not on the six o'clock news, I'll check again at ten."
0:03:06 > 0:03:09What I mean is, I usually only watch the news
0:03:09 > 0:03:12when I have to prepare for a topical programme like Mock The Week.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15The problem with the news is, as soon as I've learned it,
0:03:15 > 0:03:16it's bloody changed!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I got a text from a woman I know recently saying,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22"Just watched you on Have I Got News For You.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24"Loving the dark hair and haven't you lost weight?"
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I replied, "No, it was a repeat".
0:03:27 > 0:03:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"I've gone the other way, flower."
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Some news can be quite exciting.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41As soon as something happens, they have to start talking about it,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43even if they don't know what's going on.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"There's been a loud bang in Birmingham,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49"so we're asking some of the locals what they think it could be."
0:03:49 > 0:03:52You should never get your news from a man in a bobble hat.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58The news should definitely have a recap at the beginning, I think.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"Previously on the economy - it was a bit shit
0:04:01 > 0:04:04"and now it's a bit better, but no-one's really noticed yet."
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I'm not keen on Sky News.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11There's someone reading the news,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13there's other things going on at the side
0:04:13 > 0:04:16and the thing they call the crawler along the bottom with breaking news.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19There's just too much going on for me.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21It's the same reason why I never bought a rabbit.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29It's moving, it's vibrating, then there's the rabbit ears!
0:04:35 > 0:04:40Too much, it's too much. It feels like being on the fair.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I used to love Newsround.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Right up until the day I asked my mam for a tortoise
0:04:47 > 0:04:52and ten minutes later, John Craven said people weren't allowed tortoises anymore.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54It was like my mam had rang him.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Of course, these days, you don't just get the news from the telly,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02the Internet is most people's main source.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I often get mine from Twitter and you can take Twitter anywhere.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10My boyfriend once came out of the bathroom and said, "Whitney Houston's dead."
0:05:10 > 0:05:11I said, "what did you do to her?"
0:05:13 > 0:05:16One of my favourite parts of the news is when some poor bugger
0:05:16 > 0:05:20is standing in Downing Street late at night for no apparent reason.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23So please welcome, live from Downing Street, for no apparent reason,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26the BBC's Political Editor, Nick Robinson.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Hello, Nick, thanks very much for joining us.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39You've even called your book Live From Downing Street.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Have you ever had to sign for a parcel?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Or a pizza maybe?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48You don't have to sign for pizzas, pet -
0:05:48 > 0:05:50you've never done that before, have you?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53You have to cut up!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57So are you just in a caravan a lot of the time,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00eating tins of soup, waiting for the big story to break?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02If only.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05They won't even let us go through the front door of number ten
0:06:05 > 0:06:06to have a pee, actually.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09So if you're on a big story, they won't let you in.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Do you just do it up against the door instead?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Do you think people who watch the news
0:06:15 > 0:06:20but don't really understand it think that you might be the Prime Minister?
0:06:21 > 0:06:26You may well laugh, but I was once filming in a pub for a piece,
0:06:26 > 0:06:27it was during the Iraq war,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30for a piece about public attitudes to the Iraq war.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33This guy kept telling me that I ought to bring the troops home.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I said, "I'm not Tony Blair, I just report on what he's doing."
0:06:37 > 0:06:40He got more and more angry that I wouldn't bring the troops home.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Eventually, he left the pub and I thought, I'm going to be fine.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48He came back with a plastic plate of chips and curry
0:06:48 > 0:06:50and then he threw it at me.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53It wasn't good because I didn't have another suit.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58Did you open your mouth really wide? That's what I would have done.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- Who is your favourite politician? - Who's my favourite?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I'll tell you someone I miss and I'll get booed when I say this.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I miss George W Bush.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09AUDIENCE: Boo!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Because he just gave great news conferences.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17I was once asking him a question and we were outside,
0:07:17 > 0:07:19it was an incredibly hot day in America.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I'd been in the sun and it might not have escaped your attention, Sarah,
0:07:22 > 0:07:26but I'm a little tonsorially challenged, I'm bald.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I hadn't got a hat or sun cream and I was going more and more red.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32The president looked at me and he said,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"Next time, you should cover your bald head."
0:07:37 > 0:07:38I said, "I didn't know you cared."
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I thought he couldn't hear because he was walking off.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45He turned around and said, "I don't."
0:07:45 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Finally, do you ever worry that by wearing a Mac,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52people might think you're a flasher?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:08:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Thank you so much for coming on the show, Nick.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Robinson.- Thank you.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I used to like watching Adrian Childs in the morning
0:08:19 > 0:08:22but only because he always looks slightly worse than I do.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26I think breakfast news should be more relevant.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Things like, "Debbie came in wearing the same clothes as yesterday,
0:08:30 > 0:08:31"what a slut!"
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Or they should help you prioritise.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39"The economy - now would be a good time to dry your hair.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Watching the news when you wake up.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43What the newsreaders need to know
0:08:43 > 0:08:45is most men watching them have an erection.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I'd be rubbish at breakfast TV.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59..leading to a 70% decline in the bee population worldwide,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03so potential problems in store there for us beekeepers, perhaps.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Sarah, what do you think about bees?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I like bees best when they're dying.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12In the winter, they want you to stand on them
0:09:12 > 0:09:14because they're in such pain.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19I just leave them. You climbed in my pot, you're on your own, mate.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Are you tired? I'm tired.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I'm sorry if I smell a bit.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Can you smell bacon?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:44 > 0:09:46In a boost to the economy,
0:09:46 > 0:09:50the latest figures show consumer spending rose 1.2% last month.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Do you think there's a light at the end of the tunnel, Sarah?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56You never look at me any more, do you Bill?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58LAUGHTER
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I don't know if you've noticed, but you know nobody's watching at this time in the morning?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11- LAUGHTER - Like, they... might have you on but you'll just be on mute.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14LAUGHTER
0:10:14 > 0:10:16You're just a clock to most people.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:24 > 0:10:28According to the Met Office, parts of Britain have suffered their coldest winter on record.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Remote areas of northern Scotland have plunged to minus 30 degrees,
0:10:31 > 0:10:35the lowest temperature recorded since the big freeze of 1963.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Sarah, what do you do to warm up?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:44APPLAUSE
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Will you stop asking us questions so early in the morning?
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Do you want jam on yours or your special honey from home?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I only got up for a wee and this is what happened.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER And now a travel update.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07The M6 is congested from junctions 5-9.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12There's been an accident on the M25 clockwise at junction 16.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14And the A4 is stationary.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:20APPLAUSE
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Can we do one of those fake-laughter-then-serious-faces- at-the-camera
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- that you do so well? Can we do one of those?- Fake laughter?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I've no idea what you mean.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35THEY DO A FAKE LAUGH
0:11:35 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- So, Bill, you get off at 3:45, is that right?- I do, yes.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49- So what time do you go to bed, then? - About quarter to ten
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- most days.- Wow.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Like a pensioner.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Or a toddler.- Yes.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Does somebody tuck you in?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Yes, my wife does.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Oh, lovely! Then she stays up and watches all the porno and that.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03LAUGHTER
0:12:04 > 0:12:05APPLAUSE
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Is it hard going to bed that early?
0:12:10 > 0:12:11LAUGHTER
0:12:11 > 0:12:13No! They are filthy!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17That was a genuine question!
0:12:18 > 0:12:22She just tucks me in and then she leaves the room.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I tend to get a bit windy first thing in the morning.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Are there any tips you could give us
0:12:30 > 0:12:32for squeaking one out quietly?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- Some...- Did you just do one there?!
0:12:38 > 0:12:39LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- You finish work at 9:15, don't you? - Yes.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- What do you do for the rest of your day?- Well,
0:12:51 > 0:12:55er, start preparing for the programme for the next day,
0:12:55 > 0:12:56so get briefed about...
0:12:56 > 0:12:57More news?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00More news, but I go home and have a nap.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01- Awesome. - Fantastic.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05How long...? Now, now, Do you do, like, a five-minute nap,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07do you do a disco nap,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09like, 20 minutes, or do you have a sleep?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10It's important.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Cos you're, like, king of the naps, I guess.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- Pyjamas...- Really?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- Bed...- Wow. - Hour and a half.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- An hour and a half?! That's not a nap!- The full deal.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Yeah! LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:23- That's a sleep! - I know, it's great.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Do you get tucked in for that, as well?- Sometimes.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27SHE GASPS
0:13:27 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Does getting up so early mean you can have a second breakfast?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Cos you might have toast early on, but then you could get in and go,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- "I could totally have a fried egg sandwich now."- No. No.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- I have my breakfast in two parts, but earlier in the day.- Right.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Because my wife makes me the most delicious home-made muesli.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45And I take it into work...
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Delicious? Muesli?
0:13:46 > 0:13:47LAUGHTER
0:13:47 > 0:13:51No, when she makes it, it's delicious. Wonderful.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Does she...?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56How does she make it delicious? Does she cover it in chocolate, or...?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58LAUGHTER
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- ..put some fruit pastilles in it? - Lots of fresh fruit, that sort of thing.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04LAUGHTER And I eat half of it before the programme,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06do the programme, then half after the programme.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- So is it...? Hold on. - OK.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Is it, like, a big bowl and you get halfway down and you go,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"It's time to do the news,"
0:14:15 > 0:14:16or do you have two bowls?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20One bowl, eaten in two parts.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Eurgh...
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- LAUGHTER - Eurgh!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Nobody went "Eurgh" at muesli, but you're eurgh-ing at that!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27It's got a lid...
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- A lid?- It's got a lid, comes in a container.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I eat half, feel relatively full,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33put the lid on,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36go into the studio, do the programme, come out, eat the rest.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- Has the milk been on the whole time?- Yes!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41But it's... GROANING
0:14:41 > 0:14:42LAUGHTER
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Remember to wink here!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51She pours it on the muesli the night before and puts it in the...
0:14:51 > 0:14:54HOWLS OF OUTRAGE
0:14:54 > 0:14:56What is the matter with you people?!
0:14:56 > 0:15:00We've never had muesli. We don't know how you're supposed to eat it.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:02APPLAUSE
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Look at them!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Look at them! They're all lost.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09Sausage sandwich,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11bacon sandwich...
0:15:11 > 0:15:12LAUGHTER
0:15:12 > 0:15:14..Frosties...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19When you have your Weetabix and you mash them down, is it like that?
0:15:19 > 0:15:20No, it's not like that.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22So it's still quite...?
0:15:22 > 0:15:26It's still nice and oaty and nutty and fruity.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28And lots of fibre.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Oh, do you need that, do you?
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Yes.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER
0:15:31 > 0:15:35There's a question. Cos I get up and I have...
0:15:35 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER
0:15:38 > 0:15:40..a toilet visit, normally.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42When do you do that?
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Did that change your routine when you started doing breakfast,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48"I'm going to have to have me poo the night before."
0:15:48 > 0:15:51LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:57See, er, the thing is...
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Nobody's ever asked you when you have your poo.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I can't believe I'm about to tell you!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- You want to know?- Yeah, I really do.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Every half an hour there's a little break for the regional news.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12It's three minutes and 15 seconds.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:18But then you've only got time for a certain short kind of break, yeah?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19If you need a longer break,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22you have to do it before or afterwards,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25and after a while, your body gets trained
0:16:25 > 0:16:28to know when is the time to go.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Even going for a short break can be a problem.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Once, one of my colleagues went out and found the thing was locked
0:16:34 > 0:16:36because there was a cleaner in there. SHE GASPS
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Yeah, difficult. That was awkward.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42But, um, otherwise, you know, it's a matter of self-discipline.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- A matter of self-discipline! - Yes.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45LAUGHTER
0:16:45 > 0:16:48"I will tell my body when I will shite."
0:16:48 > 0:16:49LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Bill, it's been an absolute pleasure.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Thank you very much for being on the show.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Turnbull!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I really like that show, Jewish Mum Of The Year.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I think they should do more of these, but with different categories.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17My mam would be great in Geordie Mam Of The Year.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21She once made me a Terry Towelling boob tube.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22LAUGHTER
0:17:22 > 0:17:25She didn't mind me being sexy as long as I was warm.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:30When I was little and I didn't know a word, I'd ask me mam,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33but there was one time I must have asked a rude word,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36and she said to us, "In the future, when you're asking about a word
0:17:36 > 0:17:41"and you think it might be rude, just say so, so I can brace meself."
0:17:41 > 0:17:42LAUGHTER
0:17:42 > 0:17:46So then I'd go, "Mam, this word might be rude."
0:17:48 > 0:17:49"What's Velcro?"
0:17:49 > 0:17:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:53 > 0:17:56"Mam, what's teabagging?"
0:17:56 > 0:17:57LAUGHTER
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"Oh, thank God, I thought it was going to be something rude.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"That's when you steep the teabag for a long time
0:18:02 > 0:18:04"so that the tea is strong enough
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"to take away the taste of bollocks in your mouth."
0:18:07 > 0:18:09LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I've also been watching The Only Way Is Essex.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19TOWIE is responsible for vajazzling, isn't it?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Have we got anybody in the room who's been vajazzled?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- LAUGHTER - We'd probably have heard you walk in.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:34You can do it on the cheap, though, just in case you were wondering.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- Just Pritt Stick a tube of glitter. - LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:46Does it have to be all smooth for a vajazzle or can you just thread it through your bush?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Like when you're decorating a Christmas tree, you make sure it looks good from all angles.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Of course, there's a northern version of TOWIE.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06It's called Geordie Shore
0:19:06 > 0:19:09and it's like someone watched TOWIE and went,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12"This is too highbrow. It needs more jager bombs and shagging."
0:19:12 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:14 > 0:19:18I love it, but it's like someone's fired an orange paint cannon into a zoo.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19LAUGHTER
0:19:21 > 0:19:24So what does a real Geordie man think of these new Geordie men?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I know just the fella.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28It's my dad, Phillip.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Hello, Dad. I've got me fancy little camera. Can you see us all right, love?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Yes, I can see you perfectly all right.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Excellent. Now,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41You've been watching some telly for us.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Did you watch The Only Way Is Essex?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Yes.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Is that the one where they do the bejavelin?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- No, that was the Olympics, Dad. - LAUGHTER
0:19:53 > 0:19:55It's like a posh version of Geordie Shore.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57You watched Geordie Shore.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59What did you think of that, then?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Do you want to know the truth?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Yes, but try not to swear. - LAUGHTER
0:20:04 > 0:20:06..too much.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08It's horrendous.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09LAUGHTER
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Aw, that's a bit mean.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13No. Sarah...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15they're people who've got no morals,
0:20:15 > 0:20:21no manners, no respect for themselves...
0:20:21 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:25..not prepared to accept responsibility,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27live in a skip... LAUGHTER
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Could I just remind you that it's a comedy programme?
0:20:30 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER
0:20:34 > 0:20:36And what do you think about Holly?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38She's the one with the red hair. What about her?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Holly wants to start being the hunter and not the prey.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Oh, that's quite good. That's quite deep, isn't it?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48So would you watch any of these programmes again?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Never, unless you asked us.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- LAUGHTER - Awww!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Thank you very much. Everyone, my dad, Phillip.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:21:04 > 0:21:06THe thing is, on Geordie Shore,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10they have sex so much it's like they think they're dying out.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11LAUGHTER
0:21:11 > 0:21:15I described Geordie Shore to someone who's never seen it and she said,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17"Oh, it sounds like Friends."
0:21:17 > 0:21:19LAUGHTER
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Yes, but with more Canesten.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:27But to find out what the Shore is really all about,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31please welcome Holly, Charlotte, Gaz and James from Geordie Shore!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Hello!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Thank you very much. Thank you very, very much.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I'm a genuine fan. Thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Now, is there anything out of bounds? The girls,
0:21:47 > 0:21:51do you ever look at an outfit and go, "It's just too slutty," ever?
0:21:51 > 0:21:52GAZ: No, never.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I didn't direct the question to you, but well done for answering for the girls!
0:21:58 > 0:21:59"No, never."
0:22:01 > 0:22:03You all look lovely tonight, you really do.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- You've all... - Scrubbed up!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Now, from the show, do you ever get a day off from the show?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Because you live together. Do you ever get a day off when you think,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16"I'm just going to read a book and I'm not going to shag anybody"?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18You can't read books?
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Once you're in there, you're in there six weeks at a time, you've got no phone, no internet,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26no TV, no nothing. You're just in there five nights a week.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- That's why we're shagging all the time.- What are you meant to do? - No board games?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- Kerplunk? Have you got Kerplunk?- No.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34One game on Xbox.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37That's all you've got? I think we should post some stuff to you!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I feel sorry for you. It's like you're in prison.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41You're in a shagging prison!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44So just like prison, then!
0:22:44 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Anyway, what are we all doing sitting here? You guys like to party, don't you?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- Yeah!- Let's do it!
0:22:51 > 0:22:52APPLAUSE
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I'm Holly.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57I'm Charlotte.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I'm Gaz.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I'm James.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I'm Sarah!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16OVERLAPPING COMMENTS
0:23:16 > 0:23:18GAZ: That's hilarious!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Now, I'm not very good at heels, as you can tell.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28You can't walk like that in a nightclub,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30so can you do a demonstration of a sexy walk?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Right, so, you just have to strut with confidence.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Head high, just try not to fall. - Try not to fall.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38So you just go...strut...
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- Wow, that is really good! - WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I'm going to give it a go. Are you ready?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Head high...and just strut.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50LAUGHTER
0:23:50 > 0:23:52CHEERING
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I can't take this seriously!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I haven't been clubbing since the olden days.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Right.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08So how am I supposed to behave? Like, what should I do
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- when I'm in a nightclub? - Right, OK. Dance.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Shall we do a demonstration?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14You dance and I'll talk you through it.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Do you want to know the main dance if you want to pull a lad?- Yes.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Are you on the pull tonight, Sarah?
0:24:19 > 0:24:20OK...
0:24:20 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Right, here we go.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Right, so you're in a club. - Come with us.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26So you're dancing.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28And you spot a guy that you like
0:24:28 > 0:24:31and you're like, "How am I going to get him?"
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Right, I'm just going to do the move, and then you slutdrop.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36AUDIENCE SHRIEKS
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Oh, my God, if I go down I'm never coming back up!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Go on, Sarah.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47We'll talk you through it again. You're in a club and you spot a guy
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- that you like and you go, "Whoa!" - Have I had a drink?
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Yeah,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53so you're a little bit tipsy and you walk around...
0:24:53 > 0:24:56And then you turn your back to him, and then...
0:24:56 > 0:24:57slutdrop!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:59 > 0:25:01HOWLS OF LAUGHTER
0:25:13 > 0:25:15You're supposed to get back up!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I think I need a bit more practice, but that was a pretty good first go.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Yeah!
0:25:20 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Oh, no!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Oh, shit!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Hiya, Dad. I didn't know you were coming back.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Have you been watching the whole time?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Yup.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:41What do you think?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I hope you're not coming home like that tonight!
0:25:44 > 0:25:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:50 > 0:25:52This isn't me at all.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53This is clearly not me at all.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55This is not my experience.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I'm going to show you what it SHOULD be like.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00This kind of music's not my thing. Let's play some music.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03MUSIC: "Power To All Our Friends" by Cliff Richard.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Cliff Richard.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- Can I dance to this? - Yeah.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I've got some presents for you, as well. Bring the presents on.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Oh, right, OK.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12LAUGHTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Look at all that, kids!
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Does this come in short sleeve or a v-neck?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Lovely nana cardies for the girls.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Let's have a big round of applause
0:26:22 > 0:26:24for Holly, Charlotte, Gaz and James
0:26:24 > 0:26:25from Geordie Shore!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- Bye-bye! - Thank you!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I'm coming!
0:26:40 > 0:26:41I'm coming!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:46That's it for tonight.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about News24,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54which I thought was a whole station about Jack Bauer.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55LAUGHTER
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Ice Road Truckers - the producers decided to make it grittier,
0:27:00 > 0:27:01which sort of ruined it.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER
0:27:10 > 0:27:14The Kardashians - look what a sex tape can do for your career.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I made a sex tape once, but it was just audio.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:22It was just me on me own eating a peach.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Big Brother - although that's on Channel 5 now,
0:27:34 > 0:27:35which is a bit like hearing
0:27:35 > 0:27:38that one of your old friends has become a prostitute.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- LAUGHTER - Good night!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd