0:00:15 > 0:00:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:28WHISTLING
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:46People say parents shouldn't use the TV as a babysitter.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51But I think it's fine. As long as the TV is over 14 years old.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52LAUGHTER
0:00:52 > 0:00:55When I'm watching telly, I like to put the subtitles on.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Nothing's wrong with my hearing.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01I like feeling superior to people who can't spell there and their and your and you're.
0:01:02 > 0:01:08My TV is at the wrong angle, so half of the time I just see my own reflection in it.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10This must be a foreign film.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14It's just a miserable-looking woman on a sofa staring.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18People say don't sit close to the telly because it's bad for your eyes.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20It's also bad for my self-esteem.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27I've got Sky TV at home. The satellite bloke came to the door, he said, "Did you order a dish?"
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I thought, "You're a bit full of yourself."
0:01:30 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Now, I love watching animal programmes on the telly.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I like Rolf Harris's new show, Rolf's Animal Clinic.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50Because it's moved to Channel 5, they can't call it Animal Hospital any more.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53It's followed by Homes Under The Mallet.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Followed closely later by Place Place Place.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:03The word "clinic" makes me think of other things.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I'm assuming there are rabbits in the waiting room
0:02:05 > 0:02:08texting all of their sexual partners,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10trying to spell chlamydia.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I'm always offended when the vet doesn't say how lovely my cat is.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18"Look at his little face." He never does that.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Although, I hate it when my gynaecologist does it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:30"Ooh, look, it's smiling at us."
0:02:30 > 0:02:32LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I'm not really good with big animals.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I've only sat on a horse once.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40It was at the school fair and it was more of a mule.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45Within five minutes, it had stood on my sister's foot and broken my fanny.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I've got a horrible feeling it was my first boyfriend.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:57You know that show Walking With Dinosaurs?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00We liked it so much, we went to see the arena tour.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04There were animatronic dinosaurs and some with men working them.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08There was a little girl about five, sitting beside us with her mum,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11who was trying to figure out how the brontosaurus was moving.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15She said, "I know they're not real as they died a long time ago."
0:03:15 > 0:03:18"And there can't be a man inside because they're too big."
0:03:18 > 0:03:20"So there must be a giraffe in it."
0:03:20 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:28Since getting a kitten, I don't watch cat videos any more on the internet.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32It's lovely having a real kitten, although he doesn't play the piano as much as I expected.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35LAUGHTER
0:03:35 > 0:03:38To be fair, he is quite restricted in that little jacket.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40LAUGHTER
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I do feel sorry for meerkats.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45People must walk past them in the zoo these days.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50"I'm not bothered about them. I've got one at home that sits on my bed in a little cravat."
0:03:50 > 0:03:52LAUGHTER
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Me and my fella always prioritise when going around the zoo.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59We see the animals first that are likely to die out.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02It's also the best way to see relatives at Christmas.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:09David Attenborough has taught me a lot about animals.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Female black widow spiders eat their mates after sex.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Lucky buggers.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I'm always starving after sex.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20If I missed my lunch, I could have a threesome.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Miss my lunch?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26LAUGHTER
0:04:27 > 0:04:32At 15 inches, the eyes of the giant squid are the largest on the planet.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Especially, when they've just found out what calamari is.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"I thought it was onion rings."
0:04:42 > 0:04:45The world's biggest dick can be found on a blue whale.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I thought it was on Top Gear.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:56 > 0:05:00The hummingbird is the only animal that can fly backwards.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Although, I did hit a dog with my car the other day.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I didn't.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07It was a couple of weeks ago.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Red-eyed tree frogs don't really exist.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18That's just how they look if you don't turn the flash off on your camera.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24These days, my favourite animal show is CBBC's Deadly 60.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27It covers 60 deadly animals per series.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31So far, they've done three series. That's 180 deadly animals.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34What are they going to do in the fourth series?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Just because you can trip over a tortoise doesn't make it deadly.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"This chicken could kill
0:05:40 > 0:05:43if it's not cooked properly."
0:05:46 > 0:05:49So please welcome, he's deft, he's brave, he's uninsurable,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52the host of Deadly 60, Steve Backshall.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Hello, Steve.- Hello, hello. - Thank you for coming.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Let's have a look at you in action with a giant squid.
0:06:05 > 0:06:10'For protection, safety diver Scott, cameraman Simon, and I
0:06:10 > 0:06:14have to wear chainmail suits, like medieval knights
0:06:14 > 0:06:16going scuba diving.'
0:06:16 > 0:06:18'Look at that!'
0:06:19 > 0:06:21'Wow!'
0:06:21 > 0:06:24'At first, he didn't seem that pleased to see us.'
0:06:25 > 0:06:29'Look at all the ink it's squirting into the water.'
0:06:29 > 0:06:34'And here, that's where that snapping beak is.'
0:06:34 > 0:06:36'There's the eye.'
0:06:36 > 0:06:38'I'm going to stay clear.'
0:06:38 > 0:06:42'I don't want to get my fingers too close.'
0:06:42 > 0:06:45'Oh! Dear me! Ow!'
0:06:45 > 0:06:48'The strength of the beak!'
0:06:48 > 0:06:51'It's actually bitten me right through the chainmail suit.'
0:06:53 > 0:06:55APPLAUSE
0:06:57 > 0:06:59What exactly did he bite you with there?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03It was with its beak. It's like a big parrot's beak in the centre
0:07:03 > 0:07:06of all those arms. It's the only hard part of the body.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10It could actually break your bones even through the chainmail.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I thought it was just flirting for a bit.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Just like, "Look what I've got down here." It wasn't that at all. OK.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Um, you are known as an all-round action man.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Aren't you? So, have you got actual genitalia
0:07:24 > 0:07:26or are you dead smooth down there?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:33 > 0:07:38But there is actually going to be a Steve Backshall action-man doll coming out next year.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40It's the most surreal thing I've ever seen.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44They scanned my head and everything. It's like a ten-inch version of me.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46That's going to be smooth then.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49They're already way ahead of us with the ten inches.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:54It would be a little bit odd if it wasn't.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56It would be because it's for kids.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- It's not for big girls like me. - No, it isn't.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Not for the mums.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Do you think people watch your shows to see if you'll get injured or killed?
0:08:06 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Without a doubt. The first thing that kids ask is,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"When did you last get bitten?" "What are you most scared of?"
0:08:14 > 0:08:18"What was the thing that nearly killed you the most?"
0:08:18 > 0:08:20It's the thing that fascinates people.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23They desperately want to see me get munched.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26What was the thing that nearly killed you?
0:08:26 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Not in that way.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32They are... I apologise.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37- I apologise.- This is definitely your crowd not mine, isn't it?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40It is my crowd. They see innuendo in every sentence.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45And what was the thing that almost killed you?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49I think, probably, on the last series, the one that took us most by surprise...
0:08:49 > 0:08:52We were filming Komodo dragons.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Most of the time, because they are cold-blooded, they do nothing, they're dull.
0:08:56 > 0:09:02What I wanted to do was to get them feeding. I dragged a piece of meat through the area where they were.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06And they just went "Grrr!" and went into predatory mode.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- And they started hunting us.- You brought that on yourself, flower.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Somebody said I should have seen it coming.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18And when was the last time you were munched?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:21We want to know, don't we?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:26If memory serves, quite a long time ago.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I think you might have some volunteers tonight.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40One thing I've noticed watching your show, I do love your show,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43one thing I noticed is you're often topless, aren't you?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45We've got a photo to show everybody.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:09:49 > 0:09:50I looked at a few photos for...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:54For research. I like that one best.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Because that looks like what you'd look like lying down.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I try to imagine myself as a craggy old rock in this situation.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- I approve. - I'll put that in the bank.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Ooh! He's got a bank.
0:10:14 > 0:10:19Camouflage, I understand it. Why don't zebras?
0:10:19 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER
0:10:20 > 0:10:23There's a serious answer to that.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- Tell us the proper answer. - Their main predator is the lion.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31The lion has massively reduced colour vision, so don't tend to see
0:10:31 > 0:10:35in colours, so the black and white stripes that are created by zebras,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38particularly when they're running in a herd,
0:10:38 > 0:10:43cause confusion, they blend in the reeds and grasses the zebras are running in.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Once they're moving, it becomes an efficient camouflage against the lion.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Do they ever stand in a row and another animal will come up,
0:10:51 > 0:10:55an antelope will just come up and point at the lion and go,
0:10:55 > 0:10:56"Can you see them?"
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"See what?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:00"Yes!"
0:11:00 > 0:11:02There's a proper answer. Brilliant.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05There's a question that I've always wanted to ask you.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Um, does Bear Grylls shit in the woods?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:17APPLAUSE
0:11:17 > 0:11:19That's good. I like that.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I'm pretty sure he does.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Anyone who spends time... Actually, it's a great pleasure of the outdoors.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- Is it? - I'm serious. Absolutely.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Provided you're not in Richmond Park.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34You're actually, you know, miles from anywhere.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Do you take stuff with you to...? - You use nettles.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- Nettles? You are crazy, aren't you? - That was a joke.- Oh, OK.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48- Because you are so hard, I think you would do that.- Yes.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Brambles. Barbed wire.- "I'm going to wipe my arse with nettles."
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Isn't the fix for nettles wee?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58It is, isn't it?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59- Dock leaves. - Dock leaves.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- You're thinking of jellyfish. - Oh, yeah.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Why did that man wee on me after the nettles, then?
0:12:11 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I'm good at Hungry Hippos.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Do you think that would help me if I was to meet one?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25In Hungry Hippos, don't you have to...?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Slap them on the head really hard.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- That won't work. - That won't help?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- I don't think so.- How would I handle a hippo? Is there a way you can...?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35You stay as far away from them as you can.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Really?- Although, about three or four weeks ago,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I was diving in a pool in the Okavango Delta
0:12:41 > 0:12:44and swam into a hippo underwater.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48It was one of the most frightening things. It was as close to me as you are.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- Oh, my god. - Yeah... I'm usually...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I'm usually so good...
0:12:53 > 0:12:55LAUGHTER
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Is there a similarity between me and a hippo?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Just the closeness?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Yes! Absolutely, absolutely. And...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:09 > 0:13:14- You got away, obviously, because you are here, thank god.- Yes.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I'm smart like that. I picked up that he was here so he didn't die.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21You were also adventurer in residence at National Geographic.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24How does that work? Were you there? Were you not?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- In residence?- In residence. - Adventurer?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29It has to be the coolest job title I've ever had.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33I even had business cards with "Adventurer in residence" on them.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- That is so cool. - Te first night I got them,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39I went out with friends celebrating because I'd got this great job.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I gave each of them a card. About 11 o'clock,
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I met this lady and started talking to her. She said, "What do you do for a living?"
0:13:46 > 0:13:51I said, "You won't believe this but I'm adventurer in residence at National Geographic."
0:13:51 > 0:13:54She went, "Why do you boys always do this?"
0:13:54 > 0:13:59"You're so pathetic. You're the fifth bloke tonight that's told me that."
0:13:59 > 0:14:00LAUGHTER
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- That's brilliant.- I didn't even get my one moment of triumph.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Your friends are shits.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Backshall.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I don't watch much sport on the telly.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29But I like the darts cos I love the names.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Phil "The Power" Taylor.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36My fried bought a laptop and she said, "I got it from a bloke they call The Butcher."
0:14:36 > 0:14:40I said, "Why do they call him that?" She says, "Cos he sells meat."
0:14:40 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER
0:14:41 > 0:14:44There are only two types of darts players.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Type one, overweight. And type two, diabetes.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I do know some things about sport.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Did you know that cheerleading is offered as a subject at 58% of schools?
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Cheerleading? Isn't that just a spelling test for slags?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04"Give me an A!"
0:15:04 > 0:15:07One thing I can be sure of, you've never been given an A.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Apparently, a volleyball player jumps about 300 times in each match.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Mind you, so do nervous clay pigeon shooters. "Jesus! What was that?"
0:15:18 > 0:15:20LAUGHTER
0:15:20 > 0:15:24To keep fit, we should do something that makes you sweat for 30 minutes five times a week.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27My boyfriend started watching Hollyoaks.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29LAUGHTER
0:15:29 > 0:15:35The only way I would normally work up a sweat is going up some stairs or having a tricky poo.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36LAUGHTER
0:15:36 > 0:15:42Or when I walk in Topshop and the staff look up as if to say, "Is it for a present?"
0:15:42 > 0:15:44LAUGHTER
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Surfing is one sport that looks like fun.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51But it's just like bad sex.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54You lie down, you're a long way from where you need to be, and after
0:15:54 > 0:15:57a hundred strokes you're still no bloody closer.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05He struggles to get on top, then he struggles to stay up.
0:16:05 > 0:16:11You get a brief ride but you end up wet and salty and fishing crabs out your knickers.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:16 > 0:16:20On The World's Strongest Man, why don't they do more practical things
0:16:20 > 0:16:24like opening jars or windows that have been painted shut?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29When I watch the long jump, I can see my cat watching in awe.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34He was looking at the sandpit, thinking, "The Olympics' toilet facilities are brilliant."
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:40My mum enjoyed watching Daley Thompson on the Olympics. She's always loved him.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45When I was little, she'd say, "Ooh! I could drink his bath water."
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I don't think that's a sign of love!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I love my boyfriend, I wouldn't drink his bath water.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54At the very least, I'd sieve it first.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I enjoyed watching the Olympics closing ceremony.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05It was nice to see George Michael in a car crash when he wasn't behind the wheel.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07LAUGHTER
0:17:07 > 0:17:11At school, we had a swimming teacher that never went in the pool ever.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15We all wondered why. Then my friend said, "Maybe she's soluble."
0:17:16 > 0:17:18LAUGHTER
0:17:18 > 0:17:21My PE teacher would try and motivate us by saying things like,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23"There is no 'I' in team."
0:17:23 > 0:17:27How would you know? If you could spell, you wouldn't be a PE teacher.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I grew up watching all those American dating movies.
0:17:33 > 0:17:38When I was playing rounders and the PE teacher told me to go for third base, I wanked him off.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Why do they show goals from so many different angles?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Four or five times, then again in slow motion.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56But when I ask my boyfriend if I look nice in my dress, he goes, "Aye."
0:17:57 > 0:18:02What about from this angle? Or what about from this angle?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09On Sky Sports, they are always saying, "Press the red button."
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Amazing how quickly men can find the button when they really want to.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I've got a friend who loves football.
0:18:20 > 0:18:26She told me about Soccer Saturday, where you watch blokes watching football. That's a bit weird.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31It's like, if a parade went by your house and you sent someone to the window to have a look for you.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33What's happening now?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Uh-huh.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39That sounds lovely.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41And now?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:47To explain the point of sport, please welcome Soccer Saturday host Jeff Stelling.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49APPLAUSE
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Hello, Jeff.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Hi, Sarah. - Thank you for coming on the show.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01You have ten seconds to persuade me why I should love football. Go!
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Absolutely easy. David Beckham, Jamie Redknapp, Jose Mourinho,
0:19:05 > 0:19:09David Ginola, Wayne... No. Why did Wayne Rooney get in there? Um...
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Hot fit athletic bodies, Pukka Pies. Are you coming with me?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15The pie thing is interesting.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17LAUGHTER
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Explain the thing about watching the men watching the football.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Does it make you feel a bit dirty?
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Why aren't you just watching a match? Why are you...
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- I don't understand the concept. - On Saturday afternoon, we can't show live football.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35It might stop people going to the games. So, instead,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38people watch football and tell you what you're missing.
0:19:38 > 0:19:44It's a football show but you don't see any football, you don't see goals, near misses, or any shots.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46It's a bit like watching Aston Villa.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:55Did you pick that at random? Or did you know that's my boyfriend's football team?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58You done research!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:04You look like you have fun. We've got a clip of you defending Middlesbrough
0:20:04 > 0:20:09after a survey named it the worst place in the UK to live. Let's have a look.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14'This is not a rant, but the people who compile this tosh, no disrespect,
0:20:14 > 0:20:19are the type that go north of Rickmansworth only to go to the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.'
0:20:19 > 0:20:23'They think everybody in the north lives in Coronation Street-style terraces.'
0:20:23 > 0:20:27'They're the type who buy skinny lattes and call their mushy peas guacamole.'
0:20:27 > 0:20:31'The sort who go out to the Ganges on holiday so some bearded bloke
0:20:31 > 0:20:37- can sit them cross-legged and teach...'- 'Go on, Jeff!' - 'They're the sort who use
0:20:37 > 0:20:41their Blackberries in the silent carriages on British Rail.'
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- 'And they have Babyshambles as their ringtone.'- 'Go on!'
0:20:44 > 0:20:48'They think Little Britain was funnier then The Likely Lads.'
0:20:48 > 0:20:53'They've never been to Middlesbrough. They don't know about the Cleveland Hills.' 'ALL SHOUT'
0:20:53 > 0:20:55APPLAUSE
0:20:55 > 0:21:01'That study was put together by wheat-free-cake-eating Guardian...'
0:21:01 > 0:21:06'Sorry. There's a goal to tell you about at Goodison Park. Here's Alan Smith.'
0:21:06 > 0:21:07APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Now, you support Hartlepool nil, don't you?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15That's what...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:19 > 0:21:22That's what they're called, isn't it?
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- Not quite. Nearly right. - When a player called James Brown scored for Hartlepool,
0:21:26 > 0:21:30you brought out a model of the singer and did a dance.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- Would we like to see?- AUDIENCE:- Yes! - Let's have a little watch.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37'Hartlepool 1 Colchester 0.'
0:21:37 > 0:21:40'I'm not going to sing but I'll tell you what...'
0:21:40 > 0:21:41"# I feel good"
0:21:41 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:53 > 0:21:58There's a player called David Goodwillie. Do you plan to do something similar with him?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I don't do stand-up.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:05You're a bit of a sex symbol, aren't you?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08No, he is. Don't be mean.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Do you get pervy letters from fans?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- Occasionally. - Did you get mine?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:20You were the host of Countdown. Did you ever get the conundrum?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I got one conundrum in three years.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26How did you get the Countdown theme out of your head?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Were you in bed with your wife going...? MIMICS COUNTDOWN THEME
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Yep. - Yes?
0:22:33 > 0:22:3530 seconds was all I needed.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- Did any rude words appear when you were host?- Yes.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Yeah, they did. Most of them got cut out.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51You know, you'd have things like...
0:22:51 > 0:22:55There was one student I remember, he got a nine, I went to him and said,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58"Dave, what have you got?" He said, "I've got nine."
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I said, "What's your nine?" He said, "I've got 'shitfaced'."
0:23:01 > 0:23:03LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:08I said, "Well, I got shitfaced but I don't boast about it on national TV."
0:23:08 > 0:23:13But it was in the Oxford English Dictionary.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Is it?- Yeah, it's in the Oxford English Dictionary.- Did he win?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20He was the defending champion. It wasn't just the contestants.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Sometimes, you had people in Dictionary Corner
0:23:23 > 0:23:27who were mischievous. Gino D'Acampo.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Celebrity chef. He is a naughty man.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33So I crossed to him and I said,
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"OK, Gino, what have you got?"
0:23:35 > 0:23:37He said, "Jeff, I've got a six."
0:23:37 > 0:23:39I said, "OK, what's your six then?"
0:23:39 > 0:23:41He said, "Minger."
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I said, "Gino, you cannot have minger."
0:23:44 > 0:23:48He said, "OK, Jeff, I've got a five."
0:23:48 > 0:23:50LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:53What was the five?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Er, don't.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Jeff, those guys you talk to on Soccer Saturday,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02they really know what they're talking about, don't they?"
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I don't know anything about football but I reckon I could give it a go.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08How hard can it be?
0:24:11 > 0:24:15That goal is Hartlepool's 100th in the league already this season.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18It Hartly seems fair to the other teams.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- Sarah, what's happening in your game? - Well, er...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24there are lots of men in coloured shirts.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27But I'm not sure who are the goodies and who are the baddies.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31It looks like only one of the players remembered to bring the ball
0:24:31 > 0:24:35and now everyone's chasing around trying to get it.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39And the crowd seem to be asking if someone takes it up the...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Arsenal have scored at the Emirates.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44We'll keep an eye on that one that's for sure.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46We've got two teams who badly need a win
0:24:46 > 0:24:49to qualify for the Champions League next season.
0:24:49 > 0:24:55- So...- Oh! Oh! Oh!- Sounds like there have been developments. Sarah.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Rachel has just said she still loves Ross.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Ah! I love Ross.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03That's Ross County.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06And Racheltown.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I'm not surprised, Sarah, the form Ross County are in.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Three consecutive away wins on a Wednesday and no yellow cards.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18- That's the first time that's happened since February 1994.- Oh, my god!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Quickly back to Sarah. Give us an update.- Talk about embarrassing.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24This bloke has got a cock that looks like a parsnip.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26LAUGHTER
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I don't get it. Why do these fellas go on the pitch
0:25:29 > 0:25:32wearing such short shorts?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36What are you watching now, Sarah?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I'm being good. I'm watching Chelsea.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- And how are they doing? - Not so good.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47Ollie's cut his hair off and one of the girls is worried she has chlamydia.
0:25:47 > 0:25:53Right! Goals going in all around the country on this crucial day for several big clubs.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Not least in the north-east derby. What's happening now, Sarah?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00The wide midfielder has drifted into the hole.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03The full-back overlapping. Drilled a perfect ball to feet.
0:26:03 > 0:26:09The full-back's crossed it back stick. Perfect for the big number 9. He's given the keeper the eye.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Sold him all over the place. Hit it early doors.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Got to be a competitor for goal of the season, Jeff.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER
0:26:16 > 0:26:18APPLAUSE
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Oh! Right.
0:26:23 > 0:26:29And then Del Boy fell through the bar and spilt his drink all over himself. Bloody hilarious.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Show me the bloke with the parsnip cock.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:35 > 0:26:41Thanks for coming on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Stelling.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:54That's it for tonight. We didn't have time to talk about Bondi Vet.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58It sounds glamorous but if you've got your finger up a dog's arse,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00it doesn't matter if you're wearing shorts.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05Or Canine Cops, in which Bud the sniffer dog finds a stash of cocaine
0:27:05 > 0:27:08then goes for a 400-mile walk.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10LAUGHTER
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Or Frozen Planet. For an animal, seeing David Attenborough turn up
0:27:13 > 0:27:17is like seeing Kate Adie in the Middle East. You know you're in trouble.
0:27:17 > 0:27:23Or Question Of Sport. For me, the question is always, "What's on the other side?"
0:27:23 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:29Or the Dog Whisperer. (He's shagging my leg again.)
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Get the broom.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Never mind, he's finished. Get a cloth.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:41We haven't had time to talk about Monsters Inside Me. That was a disappointment.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Good night.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd