0:00:01 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46We all watch telly in different ways these days.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I record everything and watch it much later.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Hello, viewers, how was your Easter?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I sometimes actually record the news.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Don't tell us, I'm only up to last Thursday!
0:00:59 > 0:01:05When fast-forwarding in the advert breaks, some people should only be allowed to do times-6.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Honestly, times-30 is too much for you, pet!
0:01:10 > 0:01:14When you can hit the Doritos logo and not end up at the end credits...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18..I might allow you to try times-12.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Unless it's a football match.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I'm shit hot!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I can do times-30.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30"Sponsored by"!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE
0:01:41 > 0:01:46I really like driving, but I'm not the biggest fan of car programmes.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51There's Top Gear, Fifth Gear... I can't be arsed with all of that.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I'm waiting for a show called Automatic.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Top Gear is seen in 170 different countries,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01although in 169 of those countries
0:02:01 > 0:02:06people are just watching to find out terrible things are being said about them.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16They have a feature called Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20The best thing is the leader board where the celebrities' times are ranked
0:02:20 > 0:02:22with allowance made for road conditions.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25You get things on the leader board like this...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27"Steve Coogan, dry.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31"Carol Vorderman, slightly damp".
0:02:35 > 0:02:37And "Davina McCall, very wet".
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Why still all the fuss about the Stig being secret?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48They unveiled him twice and they were just normal blokes.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51You might as well have an anonymous cleaner at the office.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56"Who took the bins out last night? Mystery Jean!"
0:03:00 > 0:03:05Not a lot of people know this, but Jeremy Clarkson doesn't have any points on his driving licence.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Nice to have it confirmed that Jeremy Clarkson is completely pointless.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I've never been asked to go on Top Gear and I'm really glad.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Do they make you parallel park on it?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"Can you get that car between those two cars?"
0:03:29 > 0:03:30"No, I can't, I can't!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33"I'll just drive round till one of those cars leaves."
0:03:37 > 0:03:41On TV car shows they never review cars like I would.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Does it smell nice?
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Does it have a little compartment for sanitary towels and a Twirl?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Does it have a nap lever?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52You know the nap lever? I love a nap lever.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54That's how I pick a car.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Comedians often sleep in their cars if they get tired when doing long drives.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00And I don't want a turny wheel!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I want a nap lever.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12That's fun!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You can get celebrity voices on your sat nav now.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24I've got George Michael on mine.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28"You haven't reached your destination but hurl yourself out of the car anyway!"
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I think I should do one!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42In 200 yards you will have reached a Greggs.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I know you're going to Aberdeen, but you're bound to get peckish!
0:04:51 > 0:04:57In America in the '50s apparently 70% of girls lost their virginity in a car!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Just be more careful of the gear stick when you get in!
0:05:10 > 0:05:15Now, I do like driving, but I think I need a little more convincing about car programmes,
0:05:15 > 0:05:19so please welcome top TV motoring expert Quentin Willson.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Welcome to the show. Thanks for joining us.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34Now, I like the colour, but where's the rest of it?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I think you should drive. Get yourself in, love.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Where are we going? - Wouldn't you like to know?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- OK.- Seatbelts.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- Seatbelt on, safety first, flower. - Always, always.- Seatbelt on.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Do you mind if I put my boobs on the outside of it, though?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I don't like it down the middle. Oh, I can't get it in.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Do you want...?- No, I'm fine.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I'm in, I'm in! And I've got the boobs... Is that all right? That's better, isn't it?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- That's lovely.- It's lovely. Smashing.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Now, thanks very much for joining us on this show.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Mind the gear stick and none of that...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- No, no, no.- "I'm just reaching for the handbrake!"
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I don't think so!
0:06:15 > 0:06:20You are a motoring aficionado, a journalist and an all-round expert.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25- So they say. - So what I'd like to know is, have you ever had sex in a car?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Yes.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31CHEERING
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Wow!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Were you in the front or the back?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- In the back.- You were in the back?
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Were they in the back as well or was it like this sort of set-up where they had to lean over...?
0:06:42 > 0:06:47Well, it was both the seats were back down so it was kind of like a handy double bed.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Oh! You'd planned it! - Oh, yeah, meticulously!
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Meticulously, you dirty bugger!
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Do you ever fantasise about two ginormous airbags going off in your face?
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Occasionally.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Don't we all, love, don't we all?
0:07:06 > 0:07:11You say the way to save money is to pretend you've got your nana in the back seat.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16Yes, to drive like you've got the old people in the back so you drive progressively.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19But that would frighten the shit out of me because my nana's been dead for ten years.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I could see that!
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Did you decide on your hairstyle after driving an open-topped car?
0:07:33 > 0:07:38- Yes. It's the wind-chill effect. - Just go with it. - Aerodynamics, absolutely.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41OK. Now, I've got a compartment here. This is good!
0:07:41 > 0:07:42That's good.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44It's got...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46one of the night-time ones.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48That's good to know.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52It's good to know, because they're super, so they're not quite the full "I am",
0:07:52 > 0:07:54the full "I am" you need all sorts.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59- So I've got those.- The seats'll be fine.- Yeah, the seats'll be fine.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03And in the same compartment I've got a multipack, so if you get peckish just give us a shout.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08- This is what they should have on car programmes, isn't it?- Exactly! Thank you!- Not Lamborghinis!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11No, it should be where do I put my sanitary towels?
0:08:11 > 0:08:17Some people think that a car is sort of a penis extension, don't they, if it's a flashy car.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- Lots of people think that.- Why don't all rabbis drive convertibles?
0:08:22 > 0:08:26It's a very good question. You'd have to ask a rabbi.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I will, next time I see one.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Excuse me, if you don't mind, while you're driving...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I'm just going to get my 'tache!
0:08:37 > 0:08:41I've got my tweezers. I've got another little compartment just for tweezers.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42I'm just going to have a little go...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44oh, look at this.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- Got it! Yeah! You can have that back now just in case it's important. - Thank you so much.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Yeah, well done.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53What do you think is the worst car in the world ever?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57I love it that you've just straightened your mirror even though we're technically not going anywhere!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- That's brilliant, isn't it? - Now you've...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Now you've spoilt it for them!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- Cos they really thought that we were driving...- And so did I!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Which is your favourite Magic Tree air freshener?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Is it like lavender or black ice or...?
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- I've not had the black ice one. - Oh, you should! - I've always had the lavender ones.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Lavender! Your cars must all smell like old ladies!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- It's cos your nana's in the back, isn't it? That's why!- That's it!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29You put the lavender in for her.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Whose voice do you have on your sat nav? Do you have a voice on your sat nav?
0:09:33 > 0:09:38- No, I just have a normal disembodied female voice. - Is that how you like your women?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49You've been brilliant, dear. Thank you every so much, but you are a terrible, terrible driver!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Ladies and gentlemen, Quentin Willson!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54SCREECH OF BRAKES Thanks very much, love!
0:10:00 > 0:10:01CHEERING
0:10:04 > 0:10:09You know what I've noticed? We all really love a good old gruesome murder, don't we?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12There've been loads of them on telly this year.
0:10:12 > 0:10:18What I want to know is, why's it OK to watch a murder on the telly with your family, but not a sex scene?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24If a nipple is licked, you instantly turn over.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31But if that nipple is being removed by pliers, "You stay there, Grandad!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"You enjoy this, Grandad!"
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Crime drama can teach you all sorts of things.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43CSI taught me how to find out who ate the last biscuit.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Me.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- Did you see The Fall?- Yes!
0:10:54 > 0:10:58In one episode the killer strangles a woman and then spent time preparing her body afterwards.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01It was horrific. I was watching it with my friend.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06The killer bathed her, painted her nails, posed her on the bed and covered her bits.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07We were just watching silently.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Then he cut some of her hair off and sniffed it.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12At that point, my friend said, "Now, that's creepy!"
0:11:16 > 0:11:19You know sometimes when you're doing something you shouldn't,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21do you ever think, "God, I hope I don't die now"?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28I've made a list of ways you wouldn't want to be found dead.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31On a sex line.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34What if you hadn't hung up?
0:11:35 > 0:11:39You'd have your family saying, "We couldn't afford a funeral. His phone bill was huge."
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Watching internet porn.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45You think you're having a heart attack,
0:11:45 > 0:11:50but instead of ringing an ambulance you choose to spend your last moment minimising and bringing up solitaire!
0:11:54 > 0:11:58With your family saying, "We didn't know he liked solitaire that much!"
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Your dying words should never be, "Delete my browser history!"
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Lying in a bath full of trifle.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13With my family saying, "We didn't even think it was for Children in Need!"
0:12:15 > 0:12:19With an orange in your mouth, you know that thing that some people do...
0:12:20 > 0:12:21..eating fruit.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I'd hate to die eating fruit.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30And my family saying, "We had no idea she was into this sort of thing!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33"It's like we didn't know her at all."
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I often eat chocolate in bed in hotels
0:12:37 > 0:12:42and sometimes when I finish the bar and slide down under the covers, I create real skiddies on the sheets.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47It was just my Twirl!
0:12:48 > 0:12:52So I leave the Twirl wrapper out so the cleaner can make the connection.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56She goes, "Oh! Ah!"
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And if I actually shit myself, I leave five Twirl packets out!
0:13:10 > 0:13:14In cop shows they often refer to hookers doing tricks.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Well, like what? Making balloon animals?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Or pulling rabbits out?
0:13:31 > 0:13:35One of my favourite crime shows on telly is Law & Order UK.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Star of the show, Bradley Walsh, is the first crime-show actor ever
0:13:39 > 0:13:43to simultaneously host a quiz show. I'd like to see more of that!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Maybe Jim Bowen in a British version of Colombo...
0:13:46 > 0:13:51"Just, er...just one more thing...
0:13:51 > 0:13:52"You've won a speedboat!"
0:13:54 > 0:13:59To assist in my crime-drama investigation, please welcome Bradley Walsh!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01CHEERING
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Hello, lovely Bradley. Welcome to the show. How are you, flower?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I'm very well, Sarah, thanks very much. How are you?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19I'm not too bad, thanks. Now, you are in Law & Order.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Which one are you?
0:14:22 > 0:14:23And who plays "Laura"?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Well...
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Now, Law & Order is an American show starring Ice T,
0:14:32 > 0:14:37and they also have NCIS Los Angeles starring LL Cool J.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39So, Bradley...
0:14:40 > 0:14:45..do you think when it came to making the UK version you were the first choice?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Yes!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Or maybe they approached Dizzee Rascal?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03No. What happened was they... eventually they...
0:15:03 > 0:15:10In the American version...I've been asked to go in the American version and they asked me to change my name.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I was just going to be called TWAT.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Well, you've started in a few British versions of American shows,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Wheel Of Fortune, Law & Order...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33what's next, like Baywatch set in Morecambe?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Crispy buggers eating chips on a bus...
0:15:39 > 0:15:40..but in slow motion.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45You in an orange swimsuit. I can picture it now!
0:15:45 > 0:15:50Shouting, "Out of the water! The sewage outlet's backing up!"
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Did you prepare for the role by breaking shitloads of laws?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04No. I prepared for the role
0:16:04 > 0:16:06by...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10..the method.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Did you just read your lines and then remember them?
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Yeah!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Do you ever take the handcuffs home?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36That's a yes, isn't it?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Yes, it is.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43No, it's not!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46No, it's not, it's not! It's not.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47You've never taken them home?
0:16:49 > 0:16:50No.
0:16:50 > 0:16:50No.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52We go... No.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55No, I don't use handcuffs in the show.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59You don't use handcuffs in the show, so you had to buy your own from a sex shop?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06I can't hear you!
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Do you ever get confused for an actual policeman?
0:17:12 > 0:17:16I get confused in my own mind and often become a policeman and tell people off.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Really?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- And do they...?- Yeah.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24In what situation? What have you told somebody off for doing?
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Well, I've caught people in hotel rooms making skid marks with chocolate on their beds.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42You've been such a brilliant guest. Thank you very much for joining us.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Ladies and gentlemen, Bradley Walsh!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46CHEERING Thank you!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Thanks, Sarah!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Now, I'll tell you what I like on telly,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59and maybe it's because I'm around a lot during the day, but I love quiz shows,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02although I'm not very good at them.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I used to hate Countdown because it made me feel thick!
0:18:06 > 0:18:07I like it now.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I'm much better at it now.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Ever since you can pause the telly.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I used to love Are You Smarter Than A 10-Year-Old?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Mainly because there's very little that makes me happier
0:18:27 > 0:18:30than a really smug clever child crying on the telly!
0:18:32 > 0:18:38Just because they don't know the difference between equilateral and isosceles triangles!
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Ha!
0:18:41 > 0:18:45The only reason they get things right is because they learned them last week!
0:18:46 > 0:18:51I think there should be a version of the show where they have to do the things we have to do!
0:18:51 > 0:18:55It would be called Are You As Depressed As a 40-Year-Old?
0:19:04 > 0:19:09And the things they'd have to do would be change broadband providers...
0:19:11 > 0:19:15..try to explain to a mechanic what's wrong with your car...
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I once used the phrase, "It sounds like there's a budgie under the bonnet!"
0:19:22 > 0:19:24They'd have to bleed a radiator...
0:19:25 > 0:19:28..and lie to a doctor about how much they drink.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33But why stop there?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36What about for the older generation?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40How about Are You As Confused As An 80-Year-Old?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43With questions like
0:19:43 > 0:19:45what used to be here?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Was it better in the old days?
0:19:50 > 0:19:55And is it a) warm enough or b) not warm enough?
0:20:00 > 0:20:04I tried Nick Grimshaw's panel show Sweat The Small Stuff and I liked it.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08But if young people get their own panel show, then older folks should too!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I've come up with a few titles for panel shows for older people.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Smoke The Week.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Never Mind The Immigrants.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Eight Out Of Your Ten Cats.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Instead of Would I Lie To You, it would be Can I Lie Down For a Bit?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33QI would become Queue Here.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36And my favourite Who Do You Think I Am?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Games you play at home are often turned into telly,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51like charades became Give Us A Clue.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54But there is one game that's not on the telly but should be...
0:20:54 > 0:20:57The Great Big Family Row.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"What are they playing for? A share of Nana's house."
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I especially love Pointless.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Alexander Armstrong always asks the contestants where they met.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22I'd love it of one of them said, "He's a dick but he knows about classical music and geography!"
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I love Richard Osman on Pointless.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29He's like a teatime Stephen Fry
0:21:29 > 0:21:32and he looks like Mr Muscle went to university.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36What if I said he's with me in the studio tonight?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38That would be Pointless!
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- Hello.- How are you?- I'm good. How are you?- Very well.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Thank you so much for coming on the show. It's lovely to have you here. - It's a pleasure.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54So, Richard, I read somewhere that you'd filled Anne Robinson's old slot.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06I'll be honest, it took me and Xander both to do that!
0:22:10 > 0:22:14I love the undeniable sexual tension between you and Alexander Armstrong.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19Would you describe it as a bromance? Like, would you be the big spoon?
0:22:21 > 0:22:25People do say, "I like the unrequited sexual tension between you,"
0:22:25 > 0:22:27to which I always say, "It's not unrequited!"
0:22:33 > 0:22:38- Millions of people love the show. - Thank you. - Who do you think they are?
0:22:40 > 0:22:45Well, no, but it's a certain time of day, isn't it? So it'll be old people, it'll be students,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49it'll be people who are bedbound and just can't find the remote...
0:22:49 > 0:22:53and people trapped in their sofas...
0:22:54 > 0:22:56To me! Hello!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Yeah, I'm trying to think if you left anyone off, but I don't think you did.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04No, but it's quite interesting. A lot of people finish work at five.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07And then they get home as quickly as they can so they can watch Pointless.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- That's why it's not on at 5, it's at 5.15, gives you a bit of time to get the bus.- Right.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16That's where The Chase goes wrong, starting at 5. No-one's getting home at 5 unless you work from home.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Well, you wouldn't say that if Bradley Walsh had been in this studio!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- But he's not here, is he?- He's not. - He's in...
0:23:21 > 0:23:26I know he's got an underground sex dungeon and I think that's where he was talking from!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I think it was.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- It looked like it, didn't it? - It did look a bit like that.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37What is the stupidest answer anyone's ever given?
0:23:37 > 0:23:42We had one the other day... well, not the other day... we had words ending in ZZ.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47And on the first podium, the contestant was a student, which is all...
0:23:47 > 0:23:49and he just immediately went, "Jizz."
0:23:56 > 0:23:57That's brilliant.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Was that...was it Pointless?
0:24:03 > 0:24:08It was Pointless. In the dictionary it doesn't mean what you might imagine it means.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13It means what an animal sort of looks like when you catch it out the corner of your eye.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15The jizz of an animal.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21The jizz of the animal in my head is something quite different.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- And all of it! - But, like, no, you understand.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27A rabbit's jizz is very different to...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29LAUGHTER
0:24:29 > 0:24:34A rabbit's jizz is very different to a cat's jizz, for example.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40This is the longest conversation I've had about jizz ever, and I'm loving it!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Sarah, everybody here knows that's not true!
0:24:50 > 0:24:54When you're sitting at your desk, what's on the screen in front of you?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Is it porn?
0:24:58 > 0:25:03All I'm looking at, Sarah, is just animals from the corner of my eye!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Do you think you would do well if you played Pointless?
0:25:15 > 0:25:21I... Well, I should do all right, but sometimes categories come up which would trip you up.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- Well, since I've got you here...- OK. - ..Why don't we find out?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Let's play my version of Pointless.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Here we go.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Right...
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Our first category, we asked 100 people...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42we didn't, it was just me.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47..To name things that are better if they're bigger.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51What do you think?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I don't... Where do I start?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57That's quite a cocky answer!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Yeah!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- It literally is.- What do you think?
0:26:02 > 0:26:03I'd go...
0:26:10 > 0:26:14..for the sake of politeness, I will say a pizza.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18OK. Well, let's see if that's a correct answer.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Oh, come on!
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- Really?- Sorry, Richard, with pizzas you just order two, love.
0:26:27 > 0:26:34Some of the things people said are better if they're bigger included cake, bed, tellies...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38..and something else...Dick.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Question 2.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50We asked 100 people to name a good place to touch a lady.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Oh, dear!
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Is this a good question for you? Is this a category you were hoping would come up?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04It is a good category for me, except you only asked yourself.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08So now I have to try...I have to try and get inside you, if you like.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Let's say because I can see it, let's say the nape of your neck.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Ooh!
0:27:23 > 0:27:28No, Richard, the vagina, because everywhere else is Pointless!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- Of course. Of course.- Of course!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Thank you so much for coming on the show, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- Ladies and gentlemen, it's Richard Osman.- Thank you.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55That's it for tonight.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Unfortunately we didn't have time to talk about Eggheads
0:27:58 > 0:28:02where they've successfully reclaimed a playground insult.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Other shows in the pipeline include Four-Eyes and Shit Trainers.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12We haven't had time to talk about Murder She Wrote.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Who came up with that title? Yoda?
0:28:19 > 0:28:21YODA VOICE: Murder She Wrote.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27And Holby Blue, the police version of Holby City.
0:28:27 > 0:28:32By the way, it's not a late-night version where the nurses' uniforms suddenly fall off...
0:28:33 > 0:28:36..and they have sex in the morgue.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Good night.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd