Episode 3

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0:00:18 > 0:00:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:00:37 > 0:00:40Hello. Welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme!

0:00:44 > 0:00:48Now, I'm sure everyone watching this show has a TV licence

0:00:48 > 0:00:51because you can go to prison if you haven't got one.

0:00:51 > 0:00:53That would be a really rubbish conversation.

0:00:53 > 0:00:56"What are you in for?" "Murder. What about you?"

0:00:56 > 0:00:59"Six episodes of EastEnders.

0:00:59 > 0:01:01"Although that was murder."

0:01:02 > 0:01:06I think you should be able to get points on your TV licence.

0:01:07 > 0:01:10Got up early to watch Jeremy Kyle? Three points.

0:01:10 > 0:01:13Accidentally deleted that episode of Bake Off

0:01:13 > 0:01:17where Paul Hollywood says, "Caress the dough with your fingers like a lover"?

0:01:17 > 0:01:19Six points!

0:01:20 > 0:01:21Top Gear on "Series Like"?

0:01:21 > 0:01:23Lifetime ban.

0:01:31 > 0:01:35American shows are all the rage on our telly at the moment, aren't they?

0:01:35 > 0:01:38Mad Men is a very successful series,

0:01:38 > 0:01:40but weird to watch with an older generation.

0:01:40 > 0:01:43Cos I get the impression we're taking different things from it.

0:01:43 > 0:01:47I'm thinking, "Isn't it terrible the way they treated women back then?"

0:01:47 > 0:01:49While me Uncle Terry's thinking,

0:01:49 > 0:01:51"Ah, those were the days!"

0:01:54 > 0:01:5624 had the time on the screen.

0:01:56 > 0:02:00The only other place you get that over here is on breakfast telly.

0:02:00 > 0:02:03I'd love to see Jack Bauer throwing to the weather!

0:02:06 > 0:02:09We've all learned how to speak American from television, haven't we?

0:02:09 > 0:02:11Some of the words are quite confusing, though.

0:02:11 > 0:02:16For example, you might not know that the word "scrumping", which to us means stealing apples,

0:02:16 > 0:02:19in America, it means dry humping.

0:02:23 > 0:02:25Imagine getting those two mixed up!

0:02:27 > 0:02:29And ending up with loads of apples!

0:02:32 > 0:02:35Here are some other ones that I've learned.

0:02:35 > 0:02:36They say sidewalk,

0:02:36 > 0:02:38we say crab.

0:02:43 > 0:02:45You might not know all of these.

0:02:45 > 0:02:47They say eggplant,

0:02:47 > 0:02:49we say chicken.

0:02:54 > 0:02:56They say ice box,

0:02:56 > 0:02:58we say guest bedroom.

0:03:08 > 0:03:11They say gas,

0:03:11 > 0:03:13we say, "Sorry about that."

0:03:16 > 0:03:18They say, "Have a nice day."

0:03:18 > 0:03:20We say, "What are you looking at?"

0:03:22 > 0:03:25They say lady bug,

0:03:25 > 0:03:27we say Chlamydia.

0:03:37 > 0:03:41Of course, one of the best shows to come out of America is Homeland.

0:03:41 > 0:03:45Essentially, it's a woman trying to work out if a bloke is lying to her.

0:03:45 > 0:03:47I'll save you the trouble, love. Probably.

0:03:50 > 0:03:54Damien Lewis plays a character who was kept as a hostage in the desert,

0:03:54 > 0:03:56locked up inside for eight years.

0:03:56 > 0:03:57Well, inside is the best place for him.

0:03:57 > 0:04:00It's hot out there and he's awfully ginger!

0:04:04 > 0:04:07I think the British version of Homeland would be very different,

0:04:07 > 0:04:10cos our Government's so unpopular.

0:04:10 > 0:04:12They'd say, "We've only got five minutes to save the prime minister.

0:04:12 > 0:04:16"I'll write a letter to the army to get help."

0:04:18 > 0:04:21They're always talking about moles as well, aren't they?

0:04:21 > 0:04:24When did moles get this reputation?

0:04:24 > 0:04:27How effective can a spy be if it's blind?

0:04:29 > 0:04:32Personally, I've never trusted stoats.

0:04:35 > 0:04:37There's a lot of obsession with wires, as well.

0:04:37 > 0:04:40I'm always wired. Well, underwired.

0:04:41 > 0:04:43I'd like to see that show!

0:04:43 > 0:04:46The Underwire. "It's a war.

0:04:46 > 0:04:49"A war between discomfort and tits on your knees."

0:05:00 > 0:05:04I've decided my mission is to find out everything about the show,

0:05:04 > 0:05:10so here to face my interrogation is Homeland's Director of CIA counter-terrorism, David Harewood.

0:05:18 > 0:05:19Hello!

0:05:19 > 0:05:21Hello!

0:05:21 > 0:05:26Now, you're a very successful stage and screen actor.

0:05:26 > 0:05:29- So I've got one main question for you.- Go on.

0:05:30 > 0:05:33Why don't you do more shows with your top off?

0:05:40 > 0:05:42Mainly because nobody asks me!

0:05:42 > 0:05:47- Oh?- I would...- There's women in the audience going, "Go on, ask him! Bloody ask him!"

0:05:49 > 0:05:51No. Maybe later.

0:05:51 > 0:05:55- Your character is under permanent threat of attack.- Mm.

0:05:55 > 0:05:58What's it like living in Streatham?

0:06:01 > 0:06:04You know, I love it, because it's so unpretentious.

0:06:04 > 0:06:07You know, I'm not very pretentious myself,

0:06:07 > 0:06:12so one minute I'm kind of flying off to LA and walking past palm trees

0:06:12 > 0:06:16and plastic surgeons, there's a plastic surgeon just opposite the hotel.

0:06:16 > 0:06:18And the next minute you're on a plane and back in Streatham

0:06:18 > 0:06:20and you're walking past Greggs and W.H.Smith's.

0:06:20 > 0:06:26And I love that. I think it's a great kind of... It's a great leveller.

0:06:26 > 0:06:29Is there really a Greggs next door to Smith's?

0:06:29 > 0:06:32Yes. In Streatham, not in Hollywood.

0:06:32 > 0:06:36No, no. Because you could get your pasty and a "Take a Break" and then you're done.

0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Yes.- That's amazing.- Yeah.

0:06:39 > 0:06:42- I'd not thought of moving to Streatham.- I do love a Greggs pasty.

0:06:42 > 0:06:45I like the sausage, bean and cheese melt.

0:06:47 > 0:06:50It makes me feel dirty in a really good way.

0:06:51 > 0:06:53Totally bad.

0:06:54 > 0:06:57Now, Claire Danes did a lot of snot acting, didn't she?

0:06:57 > 0:07:00She did, yeah. She cried a lot.

0:07:00 > 0:07:03Do you think that's the main factor of the show's success?

0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Her snot?- Was it her snot,

0:07:07 > 0:07:10or did somebody come on and like dab snot on?

0:07:12 > 0:07:14- It was fake snot.- It was fake?!- Yes.

0:07:14 > 0:07:16Is there like a snot wrangler?

0:07:18 > 0:07:21So the snot wrangler comes in and just dabs it all over your face!

0:07:21 > 0:07:24Somebody out the back with a cold, just providing it.

0:07:25 > 0:07:26What?

0:07:27 > 0:07:31Are people surprised that you're British when they've seen you in that show?

0:07:31 > 0:07:33British people are surprised that I'm British. That's the scary...

0:07:33 > 0:07:38The scary thing is I meet people in the street and they say, "What are you doing here? You're American."

0:07:38 > 0:07:41- And I say, "No, I'm British." - It's a nice compliment, though?

0:07:41 > 0:07:43I've been working here for 25 years!

0:07:46 > 0:07:50Do you ever worry that your Brummie accent is going to come out?

0:07:50 > 0:07:53BRUMMIE ACCENT: No, not really. I try...

0:07:53 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:07:59 > 0:08:03No, not really? Can you teach me to do an American accent?

0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Are there tricks to this? - There are tricks to it.

0:08:05 > 0:08:09There are certain words that you find very... They're key words.

0:08:09 > 0:08:12- OK.- So I want you to say, "Water, butter, weather."

0:08:12 > 0:08:14- GEORDIE ACCENT:- Water, butter, weather.

0:08:16 > 0:08:19You're not supposed to be laughing at me in this!

0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Water, butter, weather.- This is going to be more difficult than I thought!

0:08:24 > 0:08:25Now I want you to say...

0:08:25 > 0:08:27AMERICAN ACCENT: Water.

0:08:27 > 0:08:29- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Water.

0:08:29 > 0:08:31CHEERING

0:08:32 > 0:08:35- AMERICAN ACCENTS: Butter.- Butter.

0:08:35 > 0:08:36Weather.

0:08:36 > 0:08:38- GEORDIE:- Weather. Weather.

0:08:38 > 0:08:41- I slipped, didn't I?- You did. AMERICAN:- Weather.

0:08:41 > 0:08:43- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Water, butter, weather.

0:08:47 > 0:08:49That was very... That was very...

0:08:49 > 0:08:51Very, very sexy, as well.

0:08:51 > 0:08:53Oh, thanks!

0:08:53 > 0:08:55Do you know the tricks for Geordie?

0:08:55 > 0:08:58There are some words that are massively Geordie.

0:08:58 > 0:09:00See if you like this.

0:09:00 > 0:09:02- STRONG GEORDIE ACCENT:- Antibiotics.

0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Can you do that?- Antibiot...

0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Antibiotics.- Antibiot... Biotics?

0:09:07 > 0:09:10I can't say that's so sexy!

0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Try another one.- Go on.

0:09:12 > 0:09:14Wonky risotto.

0:09:15 > 0:09:18GEORDIE ACCENT: Wonky risotto?

0:09:18 > 0:09:21He's very good, isn't he? Wonky risotto.

0:09:21 > 0:09:22I need more time!

0:09:24 > 0:09:25Waterboarding.

0:09:25 > 0:09:28Is it more fun than skiing?

0:09:28 > 0:09:30And...

0:09:32 > 0:09:35Cos I think it's my least favourite of the water sports.

0:09:35 > 0:09:36Which is your favourite?

0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Of all the water sports?- Yeah.

0:09:38 > 0:09:40Bath.

0:09:47 > 0:09:52- Your character oversaw a good few lie detector tests.- Mm.

0:09:52 > 0:09:53Have you ever taken one yourself?

0:09:53 > 0:09:56No, I've never... But I used to be quite a good liar.

0:09:56 > 0:10:01- Oh, really?- Mm. I was a very good liar, back in the day.

0:10:01 > 0:10:03Especially with the ladies. Sorry, girls.

0:10:05 > 0:10:08- So you've never taken a lie detector test?- No.- No.

0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Not a real one.- Are you enjoying this interview?

0:10:13 > 0:10:15Yes.

0:10:23 > 0:10:24It's broken. It's broken!

0:10:26 > 0:10:31You've been an amazing guest. Thanks for coming on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, David Harewood.

0:10:42 > 0:10:44Now, there are certain types of telly programmes

0:10:44 > 0:10:47that really start to appeal as you get older

0:10:47 > 0:10:49and gardening shows are one of them.

0:10:49 > 0:10:54Gardeners' World features someone called Bob Flowerdew.

0:10:54 > 0:10:56What a name for a gardener!

0:10:56 > 0:11:01If he worked in most gardens, he'd be called Kevin Cat-shit!

0:11:09 > 0:11:11I love watching those transformation garden shows.

0:11:11 > 0:11:14"We've only got two days to totally transform this garden!

0:11:14 > 0:11:17"Otherwise it's gonna take three days!"

0:11:21 > 0:11:24Apparently, you can get rid of slugs with beer.

0:11:24 > 0:11:26If they end up pissed and a bit clingy,

0:11:26 > 0:11:28just leave a kebab out with a bit of salt on it.

0:11:30 > 0:11:34One tip I read was to put Vaseline on bird-house poles.

0:11:34 > 0:11:38Now I just have a garden full of lubed-up squirrels!

0:11:41 > 0:11:43Apparently, and this is true,

0:11:43 > 0:11:45if you have lion poo in your garden,

0:11:45 > 0:11:48it stops wildlife digging up all your valuable plants.

0:11:48 > 0:11:53Personally, I'd say if you've got lions shitting in your garden,

0:11:53 > 0:11:57you've got bigger problems than a few dead shrubs!

0:11:58 > 0:12:01"Oh, there goes another postman!

0:12:01 > 0:12:04"It's a pity. I thought he'd be able to run faster than that!

0:12:04 > 0:12:08"Maybe it's the catalogues that slowed him down."

0:12:10 > 0:12:13I've just bought a strimmer for clearing the undergrowth.

0:12:13 > 0:12:16Lady Shave just wasn't robust enough.

0:12:28 > 0:12:32There are some plants that are poisonous and shouldn't be eaten under any circumstances.

0:12:32 > 0:12:35I call them vegetables.

0:12:38 > 0:12:40My friend and her horrible husband

0:12:40 > 0:12:43had a huge row about their patio makeover.

0:12:43 > 0:12:47I asked her what he was so angry about and she said, "He wants decking."

0:12:47 > 0:12:50I said, "I couldn't agree more, but what's he angry about?"

0:12:56 > 0:13:01Well, I need some help on this, so please welcome top television gardener Diarmuid Gavin!

0:13:09 > 0:13:11Hello, love. How are you?

0:13:11 > 0:13:15- I'm great, Sarah. How are you? - I'm good. Thanks for coming on the show, love.

0:13:15 > 0:13:18Now, how would you tend my lady garden?

0:13:20 > 0:13:24Describe it to me. Is it unruly or is it beautifully manicured?

0:13:25 > 0:13:27It's um...

0:13:30 > 0:13:32It needs a bit of work.

0:13:34 > 0:13:36And it might be a two-man job!

0:13:41 > 0:13:44- What's the...- I can do the work of three men!

0:13:45 > 0:13:48You bring Titchmarsh and Monty and we'll talk!

0:13:51 > 0:13:54What makes something a weed, and how can I tell?

0:13:54 > 0:13:56What's the difference between a weed and a plant?

0:13:56 > 0:14:00There is no difference. A weed is just a plant growing in a place you don't want it.

0:14:00 > 0:14:03So something growing where you don't want it to grow?

0:14:05 > 0:14:08Apparently, a common problem is planting too deep.

0:14:09 > 0:14:13Now, that surprises me cos I didn't think you could go too deep.

0:14:15 > 0:14:17What are you planting?

0:14:19 > 0:14:23Oh, now it's a proper question about gardening. Um...

0:14:26 > 0:14:27A man's cock.

0:14:35 > 0:14:39I just say, "Go all the way until it stops."

0:14:39 > 0:14:44OK. In bulbs, a lot of people ask that question for bulbs.

0:14:44 > 0:14:46So twice the depth of the bulb

0:14:46 > 0:14:48and it'll always go towards the light.

0:14:48 > 0:14:50Just like a man's...

0:14:54 > 0:14:57I did not know that about a man's...

0:14:58 > 0:15:00..bulb.

0:15:01 > 0:15:04How long does it take you to harden off?

0:15:19 > 0:15:21It depends on who's asking!

0:15:23 > 0:15:25Have you ever dug up anything odd in a garden?

0:15:25 > 0:15:28I dug up a cat, once.

0:15:29 > 0:15:31Was it dead?

0:15:34 > 0:15:35It was.

0:15:35 > 0:15:38And the lady had told me she'd buried the cat in the garden,

0:15:38 > 0:15:40and I just forgot where.

0:15:40 > 0:15:43So, up it came with the digger.

0:15:45 > 0:15:48Now, how can I tell if a trampoline will take my weight?

0:15:50 > 0:15:54We just put a trampoline in our garden. If it takes me, it'll take you.

0:15:54 > 0:15:56It'll even take the two of us.

0:15:56 > 0:15:58- Oh, OK! - AUDIENCE:- Wooo!

0:15:58 > 0:16:00That's a weird offer, but I'm up for it.

0:16:03 > 0:16:06Now, we're all being asked to save rainwater.

0:16:06 > 0:16:08Do you like big butts - and you cannot lie!

0:16:13 > 0:16:14Yes!

0:16:18 > 0:16:20Seeing as you asked so nicely.

0:16:24 > 0:16:28What is the correct position in a garden for a semi-deflated Space Hopper?

0:16:30 > 0:16:32Cos I've got one and I don't know where to put it.

0:16:34 > 0:16:38Is Space Hopper a kind of euphemism?

0:16:40 > 0:16:41No.

0:16:43 > 0:16:46I don't know what it would be a euphemism for!

0:16:47 > 0:16:52It's just like an inflatable thing. It's got ears that you hold on to!

0:16:52 > 0:16:57I've never realised how ridiculous a Space Hopper sounds when you describe it.

0:16:57 > 0:16:59You sit on it and then you bounce along.

0:17:00 > 0:17:04- You blow this thing up?- Yes. - You sit on it?- Sit on it.

0:17:04 > 0:17:06You hold onto its ears.

0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Then you...- You bounce along.

0:17:08 > 0:17:10Are you on one now?

0:17:13 > 0:17:16I don't believe you just made me describe a Space Hopper!

0:17:19 > 0:17:22Has your wife ever imposed a hosepipe ban?

0:17:36 > 0:17:40It's been lovely having you on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Diarmuid Gavin!

0:17:50 > 0:17:55So I'm starting to like gardening programmes and shows for older people,

0:17:55 > 0:17:58but I can still enjoy a bit of youth TV.

0:17:58 > 0:18:02On Cribs, a camera crew is shown around a celebrity's house.

0:18:02 > 0:18:04Often, it's not even their house,

0:18:04 > 0:18:06which must be tricky when you're showing people round.

0:18:06 > 0:18:09"This is the...lounge.

0:18:10 > 0:18:11"This is the en-suite...

0:18:11 > 0:18:13"kitchen.

0:18:13 > 0:18:15"This is the wardrobe where I keep all of my...

0:18:15 > 0:18:17"gimp.

0:18:19 > 0:18:22"This is the...dungeon

0:18:22 > 0:18:24"where we keep the wine."

0:18:25 > 0:18:28Catfish is a show that follows people on the internet

0:18:28 > 0:18:31who are having relationships with other people on the internet

0:18:31 > 0:18:33who are lying about who they are.

0:18:33 > 0:18:36You can tell straight away. Too many jobs.

0:18:36 > 0:18:39"Oh, he's lovely. He's a rapper

0:18:39 > 0:18:41"and a male model

0:18:41 > 0:18:42"and a footballer

0:18:42 > 0:18:44"and a cowboy.

0:18:45 > 0:18:47"Some people call him Maurice."

0:18:55 > 0:18:57Woo-hoo.

0:18:58 > 0:19:01One of my favourite shows this year was The Big Reunion,

0:19:01 > 0:19:05where they reunited '90s pop bands for one last concert/tour.

0:19:05 > 0:19:08Old, awesome bands.

0:19:08 > 0:19:10A couple of new faces.

0:19:10 > 0:19:12Same people, just new faces.

0:19:14 > 0:19:17Surely the most offensive thing isn't being asked to do the show,

0:19:17 > 0:19:19it's being asked when you're still going.

0:19:19 > 0:19:22Your manager rings you. "Good news. I've got you on that Big Reunion."

0:19:22 > 0:19:25"But we're still together!"

0:19:25 > 0:19:27"Ah, shit. Sorry, lads, I didn't know."

0:19:29 > 0:19:33But if you like people singing on TV, there's nothing better than Glee.

0:19:33 > 0:19:37Glee couldn't be any camper if Dale Winton turned up singing ABBA songs

0:19:37 > 0:19:40while wearing sequinned, bum-less, cowboy chaps!

0:19:44 > 0:19:46If they had a British version, it would be called Glum.

0:19:49 > 0:19:51A bunch of talented losers who don't end up doing anything

0:19:51 > 0:19:54because after-school-club funding has been cut.

0:19:55 > 0:19:57While friends of Glee are called Gleeks,

0:19:57 > 0:20:01fans of Glum would be called Glunts.

0:20:08 > 0:20:11I love watching Glee, but I can't watch it with my boyfriend

0:20:11 > 0:20:14because he doesn't understand that sometimes a band just appears out of nowhere.

0:20:14 > 0:20:16He'll watch Game of Thrones

0:20:16 > 0:20:19and find all that fantasy nonsense totally feasible,

0:20:19 > 0:20:22but "Where did the band come from?

0:20:22 > 0:20:26"They weren't there before. And no-one ever thanks them."

0:20:27 > 0:20:30What I'd like to do is find out more about my favourite show

0:20:30 > 0:20:33so please welcome all the way from Glee Club, Matthew Morrison.

0:20:33 > 0:20:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:20:40 > 0:20:41Hello!

0:20:44 > 0:20:47Now, Glee is my favourite show, so the question I have to ask you is,

0:20:47 > 0:20:50"Are you really here?"

0:20:52 > 0:20:54Um, yes, I'm really here.

0:20:54 > 0:20:57But my name is Matthew, not Will.

0:20:57 > 0:21:01In real life, I'm not the kind of guy who hangs out around high schools!

0:21:02 > 0:21:06- Bet you're glad to hear that.- That's probably for the best. Fair enough!

0:21:06 > 0:21:09I love Glee. I love all the singing and all the dancing.

0:21:09 > 0:21:12But tell me, how do you get your curls so tight?

0:21:12 > 0:21:16- You've got a bloody good head of hair on you!- Thank you.

0:21:16 > 0:21:18I thank my mom for that.

0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Does she blow dry it for you? - She does.

0:21:23 > 0:21:26Now, is it true you only ate potatoes

0:21:26 > 0:21:29so that you could get a six-pack?

0:21:29 > 0:21:31That was a diet you did? Is that true?

0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Sweet potatoes.- Oh, shit!

0:21:37 > 0:21:40Did you try it? Did you decide to do that?

0:21:40 > 0:21:41Just chips every day!

0:21:43 > 0:21:46To be honest, it wasn't much of a change from what I was doing before.

0:21:48 > 0:21:50Um, can I smell you?

0:21:50 > 0:21:52That was just...

0:21:55 > 0:21:57Which part of me would you like to smell?

0:21:59 > 0:22:01Like a neck would do.

0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Is that OK?- I'll come to you. I'll come to you.

0:22:04 > 0:22:05AUDIENCE: Wooo!

0:22:05 > 0:22:08Shut up!

0:22:11 > 0:22:12Ooh, that's nice. That's nice.

0:22:12 > 0:22:15It's slightly overtaken by that!

0:22:18 > 0:22:20Woo!

0:22:21 > 0:22:22Wowsers!

0:22:22 > 0:22:24I got two smells there!

0:22:26 > 0:22:28I'm not going to say which one I preferred!

0:22:29 > 0:22:31Can I touch you?

0:22:33 > 0:22:35Sorry, that's fine. It's fine.

0:22:35 > 0:22:38Now, you did a gig at the White House for the Obamas.

0:22:38 > 0:22:40That must have been terrifying.

0:22:40 > 0:22:44It was at Christmas time and I did a Hawaiian Christmas song

0:22:44 > 0:22:47- because he's from Hawaii.- So you sucked up to him properly!

0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Absolutely.- Now, Obama gave you a hug afterwards.

0:22:50 > 0:22:52How did that feel? Did you just feel really safe?

0:22:52 > 0:22:54- Does he give good hug?- He does.

0:22:54 > 0:22:57When Obama is in the room, he is the coolest guy in the room.

0:22:57 > 0:23:00Like, hands down, he is just a really cool guy.

0:23:00 > 0:23:02It was a cool hug.

0:23:02 > 0:23:05Was it a bit too long? Did you hold on for a bit too long?

0:23:05 > 0:23:09No, because you get a Secret Service member pulling you off right away.

0:23:09 > 0:23:11Wow, they pull you off, as well?!

0:23:11 > 0:23:13Good gracious!

0:23:20 > 0:23:23Now, do you think I would make it at Glee Club?

0:23:23 > 0:23:24Nope.

0:23:30 > 0:23:32Could I not even help tidy up after Glee Club?

0:23:32 > 0:23:34Don't even audition.

0:23:34 > 0:23:37AUDIENCE: Aw!

0:23:37 > 0:23:40Hey, I meant to say, "Don't stop believing."

0:23:40 > 0:23:46But I think I could fit in really well, cos I'm a bit of an outcast

0:23:46 > 0:23:49and I wear glasses, and that's it, isn't it?

0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Is that it?- You're an outcast with your own damn TV show?!

0:23:53 > 0:23:56Oh, yeah! Ah!

0:23:56 > 0:23:58Let's hope the people from school are watching!

0:24:02 > 0:24:03Do you think so?

0:24:08 > 0:24:11My favourite song is Cliff Richard's Wired For Sound.

0:24:11 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER

0:24:13 > 0:24:15I don't think I know that one.

0:24:15 > 0:24:18- You don't know...- I don't know that one.- You know Cliff Richard?

0:24:18 > 0:24:20SHE GASPS

0:24:21 > 0:24:23Oh, damn! I'm in trouble, huh?

0:24:23 > 0:24:27Oh, my God! Have you... You've never heard of Cliff Richard?

0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Afraid not.- He's like our Elvis!

0:24:30 > 0:24:31Obviously!

0:24:31 > 0:24:34I'm gonna get booed off stage in a second!

0:24:34 > 0:24:37Now, you do a bit of break-dancing, don't you?

0:24:37 > 0:24:40- I did.- You did?- Back in the day.

0:24:40 > 0:24:42I call it broke-dancing, now.

0:24:42 > 0:24:45Because every time I do it, like I'm older now

0:24:45 > 0:24:48so my back hurts the next day. It's not a good thing.

0:24:48 > 0:24:52Can you... I mostly dance sitting down, especially when I'm driving.

0:24:52 > 0:24:54Can you give me any tips for sit-down dancing?

0:24:54 > 0:24:59Sit-down dancing? Like the roll of a wave, just like this.

0:24:59 > 0:25:00You know?

0:25:00 > 0:25:03But if you're driving, you might go...

0:25:03 > 0:25:08- I could do it. And if I've got the window open, I could get it all the way out!- Yes.

0:25:09 > 0:25:11Like that? Like that?

0:25:11 > 0:25:13Woo-oo-oo!

0:25:13 > 0:25:15I'm properly shit at this.

0:25:15 > 0:25:18- I don't think... - LOUD POPPING SOUND - What was that?!

0:25:18 > 0:25:20- Nothing!- What happened there?

0:25:20 > 0:25:22You just kind of turn me on a little bit.

0:25:30 > 0:25:33You appeared in a TV movie called Once Upon a Mattress.

0:25:33 > 0:25:35- I did.- Was it a porno?

0:25:37 > 0:25:40Was the full title Once Upon a Mattress and Twice Against a Wall?

0:25:46 > 0:25:48Ah!

0:25:48 > 0:25:51- Are you a karaoke king on a night out?- No.

0:25:51 > 0:25:53Not at all?

0:25:53 > 0:25:54No.

0:25:54 > 0:25:58When I do karaoke, I do it in a private booth.

0:25:58 > 0:26:00OK. I bet you do!

0:26:00 > 0:26:05It's not the only thing I do in a private booth, but save that for later.

0:26:05 > 0:26:08But I like the small speakers and I like the tall speakers.

0:26:08 > 0:26:10And, uh,

0:26:10 > 0:26:12if they've got music,

0:26:12 > 0:26:14then they're wired for sound.

0:26:16 > 0:26:19# Walkin' about with a head full of music

0:26:19 > 0:26:23# Cassette in my pocket and I'm gonna use it - stereo

0:26:23 > 0:26:26# Out on the street you know

0:26:26 > 0:26:29# Wo-wo-wo wo-wo-wo

0:26:31 > 0:26:33# Into the car, go to work and I'm cruisin'

0:26:33 > 0:26:36# I never think that I'll blow all my fuses

0:26:36 > 0:26:38# Traffic flows

0:26:38 > 0:26:40# Into the breakfast show

0:26:40 > 0:26:43# Wo-wo-wo wo-wo-wo

0:26:45 > 0:26:47# Wo-wo-wo

0:26:47 > 0:26:52# Power from the needle to the plastic

0:26:52 > 0:26:58# AM, FM, I feel so ecstatic now

0:26:59 > 0:27:01# It's music I've found

0:27:01 > 0:27:03# And I'm wired for sound

0:27:06 > 0:27:10# Power from the needle to the plastic

0:27:10 > 0:27:17# AM, FM, I feel so ecstatic now

0:27:17 > 0:27:19# It's music I've found

0:27:19 > 0:27:22# And I'm wired for sound

0:27:24 > 0:27:26# I was a small boy

0:27:26 > 0:27:29# Who don't like his toys

0:27:29 > 0:27:32# And I could not wait to get...

0:27:32 > 0:27:35# Wired for sound. #

0:27:50 > 0:27:53Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Morrison!

0:27:53 > 0:27:54Great!

0:27:57 > 0:28:01And for once, we're going to thank the bloody band!

0:28:01 > 0:28:03Thank you, guys!

0:28:04 > 0:28:06And thank you, dancers!

0:28:08 > 0:28:11SCHOOL BELL RINGS

0:28:12 > 0:28:14That's all we've got time for tonight.

0:28:14 > 0:28:17Unfortunately, we haven't had time to talk about high school shows

0:28:17 > 0:28:19like Grange Hill - they never did songs.

0:28:19 > 0:28:21Well, they did, but it was about heroin.

0:28:24 > 0:28:27They're bringing back Dawson's Creek. He's older now,

0:28:27 > 0:28:30and manages the creek with cod liver oil!

0:28:31 > 0:28:33We haven't had time to talk about The Wire.

0:28:33 > 0:28:37People complained they couldn't understand what was being said.

0:28:37 > 0:28:39Southerners had the same problem with Byker Grove!

0:28:41 > 0:28:45And 24 - proof of what a bloke can get done in a day when he puts his mind to it!

0:28:45 > 0:28:47Good night!

0:29:10 > 0:29:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd