0:00:02 > 0:00:20This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:49The way we watch television is changing.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51It's all box sets these days.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56People who watch loads of box sets are like pushers. "Just try this one."
0:00:56 > 0:01:00"If you like it, come back and have another one."
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Then you're hooked, aren't you?
0:01:02 > 0:01:07If you keep watching episodes while your partner's out, it's like having an affair.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09"It didn't mean anything.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12"It wasn't a very good episode."
0:01:12 > 0:01:17I like watching Heir Hunters. That's H-E-I-R not Air Hunters.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19SNIFFS
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Found some. I found some!
0:01:22 > 0:01:28After someone's died, they try to find living relatives to give their belongings to. It's very sad.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32And quite depressing if you're watching it on your own.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34That's why I've got a cat.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37That way, I'm never alone.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40And if I died there'd be nobody to find, anyway.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Nom-nom. Miew.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Cash In The Attic deserved some spin-offs!
0:01:47 > 0:01:52"Tom Selleck is the new lodger." 'Tache In The Attic!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55"Do you want to see our new toilet?" Slash In The Attic.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58"I've been having rough sex with the new lodger."
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- Rash In The Attic. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:14Television isn't just about entertainment. It can really help us, too.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Take medical programmes. I've learnt loads from them.
0:02:17 > 0:02:22For example, there's medical evidence that wearing bras doesn't stop you getting saggy boobs.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27They can make it worse because they get complacent.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Like a lazy eye.
0:02:32 > 0:02:38You have to put a sticky plaster over one boob to make the other one work harder!
0:02:41 > 0:02:45I had a lady appointment and I said to the doctor, "Everything off?"
0:02:45 > 0:02:48She said, "No. You can keep your top on."
0:02:48 > 0:02:54I told that to a male friend and he thought I meant like at the hairdresser. "Everything off!"
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Just give us the mirror.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03No, that's lovely. That's lovely.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I like it. I really like it.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10It's lovely. Me boyfriend will be really pleased.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12It's taken years off.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16About 30.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24They say that it's easiest to tell your kids about sex in the car while you're driving.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27You don't have to look at them and vice versa.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30What about the people who don't have cars?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Do they have to do it on the bus?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37My friend was taught that you stick the penis in the vagina,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40but not that you had to move it around a bit.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44So he thought it was just like putting bread in a toaster.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49When it was done, it just popped out.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55My favourite medical show, I know it's yours too, is Embarrassing Bodies.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59It's a helpful show because a lot of people are nervous about going to their doctor's.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02A male friend of mine won't go to the doctor's
0:04:02 > 0:04:05in case he's asked how much he masturbates.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"And how often do you masturbate?"
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- NERVOUSLY - "Um... How often is normal?"
0:04:20 > 0:04:23"How often do you think is normal?"
0:04:24 > 0:04:27"21 units a week?"
0:04:32 > 0:04:34"That's drinking."
0:04:35 > 0:04:37"Five times a day?"
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"That's fruit."
0:04:43 > 0:04:49It's not like that for women. We can have it as often as we like. Like broccoli - no points!
0:04:54 > 0:04:58If a man comes in with a hamster stuck up his arse,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01who does he go to - a doctor or a vet?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I suppose it depends who's in the most distress.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11"I think he's quite stressed cos he's scratching a lot."
0:05:12 > 0:05:15How would you even get one in in the first place?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Best not lure them in with sunflower seeds.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22If its cheeks get bigger, you'll never get the little bugger out!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I love Embarrassing Bodies: Live From The Clinic,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37where people Skype in with their ailments.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40It's like Chat Roulette with cocks!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42So it's like Chat Roulette.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48I love where one of the doctors is talking to a patient via Skype
0:05:48 > 0:05:51and says, "OK, Brian. Can we take a look?"
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Then the bloke stands up, turns round and bends over.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57"OK, Brian. Thanks."
0:05:57 > 0:05:59"Brian."
0:06:00 > 0:06:01"Brian?"
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"Brian, we've seen it, love."
0:06:05 > 0:06:07"Sit down again, Brian."
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"Brian."
0:06:09 > 0:06:11"No, don't part them."
0:06:18 > 0:06:22One episode, a really pretty young girl came up on the screen
0:06:22 > 0:06:25with the biggest knockers you've ever seen.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28The size where even men say, "Ooh, they must hurt."
0:06:29 > 0:06:34And Dr Christian said, "So what is it we can help you with today?"
0:06:34 > 0:06:39It's obviously her tits! But you can't be too careful, can you?
0:06:39 > 0:06:43They could say, "So, Rachel, those norks are massive, aren't they?"
0:06:43 > 0:06:46"I-I was going to ask about the warts I've got on me hands."
0:06:50 > 0:06:54What happens if you want to be on but you haven't got a laptop?
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Are people going to the library to do this?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01In the background, there's a woman putting books away.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11I think the best thing about Embarrassing Bodies is my favourite medic, Dr Christian.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I've been reading his book about growing up and I've learnt a lot.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Apparently, you can get pregnant if you do star jumps after sex.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24But that will probably stop you from getting sex again.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26What could be better than reading Dr Christian's book?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29A personal consultation with the man himself.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Please welcome Dr Christian Jessen.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- Hello.- How are you?- Welcome to the show. Thanks for coming on.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Feels just like I'm at work again. Do you need anything?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Well...
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I don't know if now's the right time.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59How often do you masturbate?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Um...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15About 21 units?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- LAUGHING:- Good answer.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20We're given quite a lot of health advice.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25It's hard to know which is true and which is rubbish, so I was going to run a few by you.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- See if you could tell us which are true and which are myths.- OK.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Does eating crusts make your hair curly?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36My mum said so, but not true.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40- So all of our mams are liars? - All of them. Yes.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- Is it true that you feed a cold and feed a fever?- No, that's nonsense.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Doesn't make any difference. Just eat healthily is the message.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- Really?- Yeah. - Cos I just eat loads, whatever.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- So eat healthily?- Eat healthily. - Can I eat loads of healthy things?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02You know, like biscuits with raisins in?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06It's one of your five a day. It's fine by me. Yeah.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Shut up!- It is.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- Garibaldis are one of your five a day?- A handful of raisins is one.
0:09:12 > 0:09:18- So enough Garibaldis... - A pack of Garibaldis is one of your five a day?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I'm sure I'll now get a complaint letter, but...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Not from me you won't!
0:09:24 > 0:09:28You know the rule about eating food off the floor, the two-day rule?
0:09:31 > 0:09:35You drop it and two days later you still fancy it, you can eat it?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- Right.- Is that true? - Is that one that your mum told you?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- No, I ma...made it up. - Did you make that one up?
0:09:43 > 0:09:48- Is it true you can't get pregnant off a toilet seat? - It depends who you're with.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53What if the toilet seat was made of an erect penis?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00APPLAUSE
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I just said, it depends who you're with.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- So it's possible, like? - If it was an erect...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I can't say that word in front of you.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- What do YOU call it?- Yeah, that, but it feels wrong now here with you.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- Why? - Cos you're dressed all nice.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24I'm dressed all nice, but it all comes up and there's bits underneath.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Oh, that's fine.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29APPLAUSE
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Have you ever had any celebrity patients?
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- I have, but I couldn't possibly tell you who - as you well know.- Oh, OK.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41What if you just whispered it into me mic?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46How were you told about sex?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Did you find out from your parents or how were you told?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I was given a book that I refused to read
0:10:52 > 0:10:56cos I thought it was rude and embarrassing.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Then I went away to school and my school friends told me about sex.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Therefore, I still have no idea what goes on whatsoever!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I was told by me mam and I was nervous,
0:11:07 > 0:11:11so she made me stand behind a curtain.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Then she said, "What word are you most comfortable with for the men's bits?"
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Men's bits?- So I said, "Dick!"
0:11:23 > 0:11:25That is true.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Now, I've read your whole book. It's very good.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33But there's nothing in it about sex being wrong.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37No. Is this going back to Mother again?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- LAUGHS - Do you not think it is?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- No. I quite like sex, actually. - Woo!- Yeah.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Don't you?- Sometimes.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Sometimes I just want a bath and a book.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- I love a hairy man.- Right.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59How hairy can a man be before he's actually a monkey?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05It's a fine line, isn't it? It's that Tom Selleck thing.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10- Should he be in a cage or should he be allowed to walk around? - Should he be in a cage?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14I'd love a cage with Tom Selleck in it! That would be amazing.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- You like hairy men?- Yeah. Really do. - Damn!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Cos it makes me feel... Oh, sorry. - I shaved before I came on.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24I shaved as well, but I just did me toes!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:12:30 > 0:12:36Have you ever taken a pic of anybody's bits cos you like the colour? Like...
0:12:36 > 0:12:42Like, "That's no good on a cock but it would look lovely in me hallway."
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- You could have a body-coloured house.- Ah!- Oh!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Is there anything you've never seen?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Anything you've heard of or maybe studied when you were training,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54but never seen in the flesh?
0:12:54 > 0:13:00There is a condition that fascinates me that I would love to see. You're going to love this!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03It's called diphallia. You have two penises.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- From the Greek.- Wowzers!- You actually really have two penises.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12You have one... Mine's not this big. We'll use an arm as an example.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16You have one normal one, all right? Then underneath...
0:13:16 > 0:13:19One normal one(!) It's got a watch on!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22That's made everyone feel inadequate.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27- You have one normal one then underneath you have one...- Ah! - ..working little one.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- The top one works and the bottom one works?- They both proper work.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Amazing! I've never seen that. I've seen pictures.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- And are they, size wise...- Yeah.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39..do they, like, make a good one?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42One is fine. You'd be happy with one.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- How do you know? - The other one's an added extra.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Like a tickler?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Yeah.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Remember... APPLAUSE
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- Actually, while I've got you here... - Yeah.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02SARAH GIGGLING Have we got a couch?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Can I show...you something?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- I've got a photo.- Oh! - Is that all right?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- You must get this a lot. - I do get it a lot, yeah.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- So...- Cab drivers. Yeah. - Cab drivers?- Yeah.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17How do they get it through the little pay bit?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Oh, you can. You can.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21SARAH LAUGHS
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- So I'll show you this.- Yeah.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26AUDIENCE GROANS
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Let's have a look.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- Oh, my God!- I'm a bit worried, to be honest.- What have you been up to?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- That's Rash In The Attic! - It looks that bad?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- It looks sore, doesn't it? - That's awful!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41It's got little scabby bits on the bottom right.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- It's got a hairy stubbly thing in it.- Y-yeah.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Flick to the next picture. It might make it a bit clearer.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55APPLAUSE
0:14:57 > 0:15:01SARAH CHORTLING
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Does it look like I've got a stuffed crust?
0:15:06 > 0:15:10- I'm still not eating it, sorry. - I didn't know that was an option.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- Do you spot people in the street, like a model scout?- Yeah.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- Do you do that? - A disease scout?- Yeah.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24"Don't be alarmed, but I'm going to make THAT a star!"
0:15:25 > 0:15:29"Do us a favour, don't drain it over the weekend."
0:15:29 > 0:15:34You have this conundrum where I'm on the Tube, see something
0:15:34 > 0:15:38and think, "Ooh, I wonder if they know about that." SARAH GASPS
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- "Should I tell them?" Would you like that?- It depends.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- If you're doing it in a loud voice on a packed Tube or train... - Probably not.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48But if you went, "Come here."
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- Is that not even more scary? - You've got such a nice face. I think that would be all right.
0:15:55 > 0:16:01Would you be happy for a doctor to come up to you and go, "I've spotted that you've got this thing.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03"I think it's this"? Would you be happy?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05ALL: Yes.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- Unanimous.- The whole of them, yeah. Everybody!
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- Right, I will.- Now everybody's all a bit nervous on the way out.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Somebody standing at the door going, "You, this way."
0:16:17 > 0:16:20It's going to be like X Factor.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24"All the people in this room, you're going through to boot camp!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26"All of you in this room, something wrong."
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Thank you very much for coming on the show. You've been an absolute joy.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Christian Jessen.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Well, it's nice to know we all might get pulled aside on a train now!
0:16:48 > 0:16:54Everyone's talking about reality TV, but have you noticed so many programmes are based on unreality?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Everything is fantasy and sci-fi.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59It leaves me a bit cold, to be honest.
0:16:59 > 0:17:05I think my boyfriend watches too much of it because he sometimes refers to people as "humans".
0:17:05 > 0:17:08"I was on the bus and three humans got on."
0:17:12 > 0:17:16If sci-fi has taught me anything, it's that, at some point,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20all electrical devices will rise up and try to kill off the human race.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22So do be careful with that vibrator.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26But what a way to go, eh?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Humans are completely sexually compatible with aliens.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34It's never, "I've got a knob, what have you got? Oh, a mincer."
0:17:36 > 0:17:42Dr Who never tries to fix something with his sonic screwdriver only to say, "Shit! It's a Phillips!"
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I can't get away with superheroes, either.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52I'd be a rubbish one. I'm too chatty to be a superhero.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I can't keep anything quiet.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59I'd be, like, "Guess what, Twitter! I can fly, but kryptonite destroys me."
0:18:01 > 0:18:03My trouble is that I add reality to it.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08Being a vampire must be a pain in the arse, having to get blood all the time.
0:18:08 > 0:18:14My nearest Tesco Metro is ten minutes away and it doesn't even have mangos out of season!
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Zombies - how would you know when they don't just want a cuddle?
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Come here. Come here, you hollowed-eyed beauty.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29There's the ultimate sci-fi show, Dr Who.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I saw in the news that they're going to bring back old police boxes.
0:18:32 > 0:18:37How confusing for kids who don't know that they're not TARDISs.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Are they going to end up like old phone boxes, smelling of piss
0:18:41 > 0:18:43with prostitutes' business cards?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46"I'm bigger on the inside, too!"
0:18:55 > 0:18:59There's a lot to take in watching sci-fi and fantasy programmes.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03My boyfriend can remember all the bizarre character names in the shows he watches.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Such as Daenerys Targaryen in Game Of Thrones.
0:19:06 > 0:19:12Yet whenever we go round his friend's house I have to go, "His wife's name is Catherine."
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Four years we've known them.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22I asked what it was about and he said, "It's a story about a woman with three dragons."
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I thought, "What? Hilary Devey?"
0:19:26 > 0:19:31I now know that character's full name is Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen,
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Queen of Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40She's also known as Dany for short.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Everyone in Game of Thrones has names like that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49If I was a character in it, I'd be Sarah Millican, Mother of Kittens...
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Enjoyer of Long Baths and Vanquisher of Biscuits.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59If you haven't seen Game of Thrones, everyone's mediaeval
0:19:59 > 0:20:02and you never know if they're going to fight or have sex.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Basically, Geordie Shore with capes.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10When I heard of it, I thought it was a quiz show like Wheel Of Fortune.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Game Of Thrones! I expected to see Bradley Walsh telling a contestant,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16"You've landed on a penalty square.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21"Do you want to commit incest with your sister or behead your dad?"
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Don't get me started on dragons! A sentence I never expected to say.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30My fella said, "Did you know that a new-born dragon is only the size of our cat?"
0:20:30 > 0:20:34No, I didn't know that - cos they don't exist.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47There's only one way to understand the show and that's to meet the people in it.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51From Game Of Thrones, please welcome Finn Jones, John Bradley and Kristian Nairn,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54also known as Ser Loras, Samwell and Hodor.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Hello, hello, hello. - Hello.- Hello, boys.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- You all look lovely. This is just day wear, is it?- Yeah.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13You look smashing. I have watched Game Of Thrones. Not all of it.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18- I've watched a good five or six episodes and I've got one question. - Right.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- What the fuck is going on? - ALL LAUGH
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Can any of you sum it up like that, in a couple of sentences?
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- Oh, boobs. Lots of boobs. - Lots of boobs?- Yeah.- OK.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- Death. - Boobs and death!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38LAUGHS
0:21:38 > 0:21:44Taking it up a level, I think it's mainly about dysfunctional family relationships.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Just to counteract the boobs and death.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49So, boobs, death and Jeremy Kyle?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- LAUGHTER - That's enough.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Who are the goodies and who are the baddies?- It's hard to say.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57That's the problem people have.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00The baddies and the goodies aren't clearly defined.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Are you all goodies or baddies? - I think I'm a goody.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- I'm a goody.- I'm certainly a goody.- We're all goodies!
0:22:08 > 0:22:12You don't know who are goodies or baddies, but you're determined to be goodies?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Kristian, your character only ever says "hodor".- Yes.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- So they've assumed that's his name. - It's not really his name.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24- His real name is Walder.- Oh, yeah. - It's a mystery why he is a bit brain-damaged.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28But that's putting it mildly. He can only say one word.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- Which is great for learning lines! - You must have to put a lot of effort in and a lot of emotion.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- Tremendous amount of effort. - A happy "hodor" or a sad "hodor"?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Or a sexually frustrated "hodor".
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- That's 99%.- That's 99% of them?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Boobs and death. That's what it's all about.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50- Hodor is a giant.- Yes. - How did you get the part?
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Well...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Oh. Like that. - APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Can I stand beside you?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Wow!
0:23:05 > 0:23:11I feel so tiny and feminine - for the first time ever.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14So I think you play the heartthrob.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- One of, yes. - One of the heartthrobs.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Do women throw their chastity belts at you?- I mean, sometimes.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- Check out these armour abs! - Are you the same underneath?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Yeah!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28No, definitely not!
0:23:28 > 0:23:32I like the sound of this. I'd like to be in Game Of Thrones.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Because it's MY telly programme, I can do just that.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Hold on a minute.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46MUSIC: Theme to Game Of Thrones
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Our enemies gather strength, Samwell. We are but three.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55They are but many.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Tis true. Who will aid us now in our hour of darkness?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:12 > 0:24:15It is the beautiful, if not stockier than I remember,
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Mother Of Dragons.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Carry on, pet, you'll not make it past series four.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I am Ser Loras, Knight of the Flowers.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Ooh, hello, flower.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32And I am Samwell Tarly of the Night's Watch.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Hang on, pet, cos I'm only up to book two.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I know who you are. You're Hagrid.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Hodor.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Anyway, I am Sarah... of the House of...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Caneston...
0:24:48 > 0:24:51APPLAUSE
0:24:53 > 0:24:56..bearer of the burning and the itching...
0:24:58 > 0:25:02..come to your aid with my mighty fire-breathing dragon.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04ROARING
0:25:05 > 0:25:10We are doomed, but we will not depart this realm without a fight.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13To arms! To arms!
0:25:13 > 0:25:18We've all got two arms, pet. What's your point?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- This is my point!- Ooh!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22My sword, Warhammer.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27- Ooh!- And this, MY sword, Steeltongue.- Ooh!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Well, while we're all doing it!
0:25:30 > 0:25:34These are my trusty blades...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Kitchen Devils!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40APPLAUSE
0:25:43 > 0:25:49We three shall prevail over our foes with steel in our hearts.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53We shall triumph and ascend to the Iron Throne.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55This is so exciting!
0:26:04 > 0:26:09I forgot I was holding them. Oh, shit!
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- Hodor never liked them, anyway. - Oh, don't start talking, flower.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I liked you better the way you were.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20So, are you all in proportion?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22APPLAUSE
0:26:29 > 0:26:35Thanks so much for coming on the show, John, Finn and Kristian from Game Of Thrones.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about The Walken Dead,
0:26:45 > 0:26:49or as it's more commonly known, the Antiques Roadshow.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51We didn't talk about 24 Hours In A&E,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54which is basically a normal waiting time.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I couldn't talk about Doctors. I haven't seen it.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I can't get past the receptionist.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03The documentary Will My Crash Diet Kill Me?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Yes, love. Have a bun.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12Or those shows where they travel back to a time when it was OK to be sexist and racist -
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Life On Mars, Ashes To Ashes, Top Gear.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Good night.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:24 > 0:27:27E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk