0:00:18 > 0:00:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Now, I've got a confession - I love Gok Wan.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I love what he's done for women.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57How early in life did he develop the instinct he has with us, though?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Did he turn around to the nurse in the delivery room,
0:00:59 > 0:01:03and say, "Honey, it should be me slapping your arse for hiding away those curves."
0:01:03 > 0:01:05LAUGHTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:09A lot of what he does revolves around encouraging women to get their tits out.
0:01:09 > 0:01:14There's a fine line between fashion advice and a football chant.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I love watching The Apprentice, and I especially like the episode
0:01:19 > 0:01:21where he gives them a list of things to procure.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23It's like a treasure hunt, isn't it?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27I have to wonder if that's just Lord Sugar's shopping list.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32You need to get a mauve pashmina, some perfume, and a nightie for a woman who's about this big.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I spotted a show in the paper called Virgin Diaries.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40What's that like?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43No entries this month.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Do you know what I've noticed,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56and I can say this on the BBC.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59We don't really watch adverts any more, do we?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03The last advert I watched was for my Sky Plus box, and that one worked.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Do you do what I do, and pause a programme at the beginning
0:02:08 > 0:02:10while you have a wee, and get the Quality Street out?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:15And then when they say, "We'll be back after the break",
0:02:15 > 0:02:17you can go, "No, you bloody won't."
0:02:27 > 0:02:33Women's adverts always have a group of four, one of whom is laughing so hard she might piss out a kidney.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37They're trying to make it like Sex and the City,
0:02:37 > 0:02:41apart from the fact that they're talking about laxatives and feminine hygiene.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46When I'm with my friends, I don't think I've ever said,
0:02:46 > 0:02:48"I feel a bit bloated."
0:02:49 > 0:02:52But I have said, "Sorry, I've just done a bloody big fart."
0:02:52 > 0:02:54LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Advert jingles take up space in your head that could be used for more important stuff.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03You still can't remember your nan's birthday, but for 30 years
0:03:03 > 0:03:06you've kept, "Ho-ho-ho, Green Giant" in there.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Is that all that'll be left at the end?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20What's your name?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Maybe it's Maybelline.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:29The only place you see advertising on the BBC
0:03:29 > 0:03:31is on Formula 1.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It's always big brands on the cars, isn't it?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37You never see offers for two for one on pork steaks.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Or ladies free before 11 o'clock.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42The cars are incredible though.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Some of them can reach over 100 miles an hour before I've even got to the remote.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56It's very loud as well, isn't it? Must be really hard to hear the sat-nav.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Round again.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Round again.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Last one.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:11It must be difficult driving round the Monaco street circuit.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I'd just get distracted - "Oh, Bonmarche have got a sale on."
0:04:16 > 0:04:18They drive at around 200 miles an hour.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Try steering at that speed with your legs, while opening a sandwich,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24and balancing your Monster Munch in between your knees.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28If that was Formula 1, I'd be Sebastian Vettel.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42It is a male-dominated sport, but one woman who has managed
0:04:42 > 0:04:45to get herself involved is the presenter of Formula 1 on the BBC.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Please welcome Suzi Perry.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- Welcome.- Thank you very much.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- Welcome to the show. Thanks ever so much for coming on.- Nice to be here.
0:05:02 > 0:05:08Now, given the many regulations, weight changes and enhancement of the McLaren power package,
0:05:10 > 0:05:15why does Jenson Button look like such a nob on the Santander adverts?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:24 > 0:05:27He's very handsome. It's hard to make him look like a nob. Done a good job, haven't they?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31They have managed, though, haven't they? Bless him for trying.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34If Max Mosley invited you to a party, what would you go as?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- I'm actually thinking of that.- What would you go as?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Cat's ears, PVC, a lead...
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- Leash.- Just like a normal Tuesday outfit.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Understood. Do you get to drive the Formula 1?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Like, when they've stopped, do you get to have a little go?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- No, sadly not.- Would you like to?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I'd love to. Would you like to?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06How fast can I go? Can I go...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Sometimes I do like 72.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12They don't have a middle lane on a track.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Oh, really? Well, where am I supposed to go?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17LAUGHTER
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I mean, it's all very well doing what they do in a flashy car.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25But could they do that in like a Nissan Micra, do you think?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28You know, with their family in the back seat.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31They can drive anything.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Like a bus?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Now, that's a really good idea.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Let's have a bus driving championship.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- That'd be amazing.- You'd be more into that, wouldn't you?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I would. Can I sit above the driver, cos that's the best seat,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45cos you can pretend you're driving.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47When you say above the driver...
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Not like...- So he can see at least while he's driving? Not...?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52No!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I don't mean you sit on the driver's face.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:09He'd be driving, doing that erratic thing
0:07:09 > 0:07:11that men do when they get excited when they're driving.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13They keep braking.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Apparently.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16LAUGHTER
0:07:16 > 0:07:18That's...
0:07:18 > 0:07:21That's never happened to me.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24It's happened to you? You've seen that, have you?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I've...heard about that, yeah.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32You dirty bitch.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:41 > 0:07:44You always hear the conversations between the pit and the drivers.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Are they allowed personal calls as well?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Like, "Hello, love. Sorry, I can't pop to Asda. I'm busy."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I think they would like it if you called in.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- Oh, really, do you think?- About lap 35, maybe text a picture of yourself.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:08I have usually got a few of those just in my roll of photos.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Just spare ones. I've always got a couple of spare.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14The thing is, if you've already taken photos in advance,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16it can have been when it was tidy, you know.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER
0:08:20 > 0:08:24If somebody says, "Oh, send us a picture of your..."
0:08:24 > 0:08:27What, of your downstairs?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yeah, and then... I thought that's what you were talking about.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:37 > 0:08:39What if you lose the phone?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41They're not going to recognise us off that.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I hope not.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54You've been such an amazing guest. Thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Ladies and gentlemen, Suzi Perry.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Another one of my favourite shows is MasterChef.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09It's like X Factor for dinners.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14I just like to watch the early auditions, cos that's when you see the nutters.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Beef and ice-cream.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I'm not allowed to use knives normally.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24This rose is for you, John Torode.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28They always say a glug of olive oil, don't they?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31A glug. What happened to teaspoons?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34A glug.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, but I take a swig, and then spit it in the pot.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Not always. Sometimes I just swallow.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I like watching Secret Eaters.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58If you haven't seen it, it goes a little like this.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02A woman says, "I just don't understand.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I shouldn't be this fat for the amount I eat."
0:10:06 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Then they film her eating six big dinners in a day,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14show it to her, and she goes,
0:10:14 > 0:10:16"Oh."
0:10:25 > 0:10:28That's it. It's brilliant. At some point she always says,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30"I've tried everything." Yeah, that's the problem, love.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36If I had a diet programme it would be called,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38A Big Shit and a Haircut.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47But my favourite food programme is not one you'd expect.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50It's The One Show, because I can't eat my tea without it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54There are two types of people - people who watch The One Show,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56and those who have a kitchen table.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I've been on The One Show, and it was probably the only time
0:11:02 > 0:11:04when my parents have been truly proud,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06because it was a show they were already watching.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Mock the what?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Eight out of Ten what?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16The Sarah what television programme?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28It's on at the perfect time so that you don't have to listen to how your partner's day was.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32"God, what a day I've had."
0:11:32 > 0:11:35"Shut up. I'm trying to listen to Giles Brandreth on the history of candy floss."
0:11:35 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:39 > 0:11:41It should be called It's This or Emmerdale.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49It's the only show where you can get comments on jam from Chris Akabusi and the Dalai Lama.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56It's like a crazy dinner party where only a couple of people know one another,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58and have to make small talk.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01"So, Lionel Ritchie...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04..have you ever been to the Barnstable Lawnmower Museum?"
0:12:04 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Having presented the show myself, it's not natural how close they expect you to sit on the sofa.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Before I did the show, I'd only got that close to someone if I fancied them
0:12:17 > 0:12:19or was freezing to death.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22They told me, pretend you're on your sofa at home.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I said, "Oh, no, you don't want me to do that."
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Anyone feeling hungry?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39It must be time to see the hosts of The One Show on the big screen.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Please welcome Matt Baker and Alex Jones.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Hello, Matt, hello, Alex, and how are you two?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Very well, Sarah. How are you?- I'm good, I'm good.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Thanks very much for joining us on the show.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- It's lovely.- Let me ask you a question.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06How do you keep a straight face when people send in their rubbish pictures of stuff that they've made?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Because a lot of it's properly shit, isn't it?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Well, I mean, to be honest with you, what you see is the best.
0:13:16 > 0:13:21It's amazing, isn't it, because whatever we ask for, they come in in their hundreds.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26We genuinely think no-one is ever going to send in a picture about X, Y, or Z.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Well, we've never ever done a call-out
0:13:29 > 0:13:31where nobody's sent a photo.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- That's what we should try and do. - Challenge them from now on.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Like a picture of a cock made out of pasta shapes.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- We'd so get some.- That's just off the top of my head.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I could come up with loads of these.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Anyway, this doesn't feel right talking to you like this. Hold on a second.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Brilliant.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06That's better.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10No, seriously though, Sarah, I know exactly how you feel,
0:14:10 > 0:14:15because to be honest with you, I cannot go on air without having had my evening meal.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18He doesn't work without some food in him first.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Aw, that's so good to know.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Because I worry that if you waited till after the show,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28you'd be bloody starving.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32There's always a half-eaten banana behind here as well.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:36If energy levels start to drop throughout the show,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38we can just have a quick nibble, put it back,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40and then go out for a film.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44We've also got... Look, we've also got a cat with a coconut on its head.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Is that just in case energy levels are low as well?
0:14:49 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Yeah.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55You guys are such divas with your demands.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Why is the show usually half an hour, but it's a full 60 minutes on a Wednesday?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Is Wednesday a really heavy news day for pointless shit?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Hey, listen, we'd sit down here and talk for as long as people want us to.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23We don't really know what's going out on telly.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26We just sit here and chat.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- It could come to us at any point.- Do you do an hour every night, but they just choose to cut it off?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Exactly.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36How much time did you spend perfecting
0:15:36 > 0:15:39your "I'm really interested in what we're talking about" face?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Like, cos I'm not very good... I'll show you mine.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I'll show you like this.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER
0:15:56 > 0:16:01Matt, why don't you do a link to Alex, and we'll watch Alex do an interested face.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Let's see one, OK?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Just any... Just a general... Ready?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Um...
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Right. With the Olympics still in our memories,
0:16:13 > 0:16:17we've been trying to find out the identity of Britain's oldest pole vaulter.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Now, lots of you have sent in claims
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Phil Tufnell grabbed his pole and went to sea.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER
0:16:32 > 0:16:36So... One of the things I do love about you, Matt,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38is that you're really symmetrical.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Am I?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43What do you mean by that? What do you mean?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46You just are. You're just really symmetrical. Like, your face is really symmetrical.
0:16:46 > 0:16:51And symmetrical is good, because the more symmetrical, the more attractive, apparently.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Well, in that case, you're symmetrical as well, Alex.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Tell your amazing fact.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Alex tells me this every other day, about who you're attracted to.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Oh, so, you're attracted to somebody that reminds you of your mother.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Not if you're a girl, cos then it would be your father,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09but if you're a boy, somebody who is similar to your mother.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- We have this every other day.- Is your boyfriend similar to your father?
0:17:14 > 0:17:19Um, in personality, or like...sexiness?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Now I feel awkward.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Cos it's a yes to both!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Who was the second-worst guest you've ever had on the show?
0:17:41 > 0:17:42LAUGHTER
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- Second-worst?- Well, yeah.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46I didn't think we were going to mention Bruce Willis.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48LAUGHTER
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I think... Oh, there's been so many.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Alan Titch... No, we're joking. He was lovely.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Who did we have on who'd just got back off the plane?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- From America.- David Cassidy.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03David Cassidy. David Cassidy.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05That man is not welcome here again.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:13He'd just got off a very long flight, so he was completely off his face.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16He didn't know which country, programme,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18day it was... I mean, he was all over the shop.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- No, it's not very nice.- They are few and far between, because most of our guests,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25honestly, Sarah, as you know, they are absolutely lovely.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29They play the game. You know, British public love them, so we're onto a winner, really.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31It's just when the Americans come over.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It's just we're nutty.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Now, Matt, is there anything that you can't conjure up enthusiasm for,
0:18:43 > 0:18:47like I bet you could make something really depressing,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49like the end of the world, for example, sound really cheery.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- Do you want to give it a go?- Yeah, you could.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Yeah, I'll give it a go. So, we're in the show, yeah?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Like, in the show, and then you've got to drop that in.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01OK.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Alex, I mean, that was fascinating stuff there
0:19:05 > 0:19:07about the pelicans.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Amazing. Now, we've just had...just had some news in.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16- The world is going to end in three minutes.- Yes!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:18 > 0:19:20There you are. Well, hang on.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23We've got three minutes. We've got three minutes, everyone.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26It's just going to give us enough time to show you our amazing...
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Look at this scale model of Didcot town centre.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Made of cheese.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41It's been a total joy to have you on. Thank you very much for joining us.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Baker and Alex Jones.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Now, we all love a big shiny Saturday night entertainment show, don't we?
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor, Britain's Got Talent...
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Basically, anything that involves a panel of judges
0:20:04 > 0:20:06telling someone they're not very good at something.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Judging is what we all do on a Saturday night anyway if we go out.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Look at that dress.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Those jeans on those thighs...
0:20:17 > 0:20:20If that skirt was any shorter, you'd see wisps.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34These shows are about making staying in the same as going out.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36There's singing, there's tears,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38there's dancing and flirting.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41All you need is to get fingered at a car park, and job done.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:20:51 > 0:20:57X Factor has now had 12 Christmas number ones, and one Christmas number two.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I usually manage more than that before EastEnders.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08Tulisa said that being fired from X Factor left a nasty taste in her mouth.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10LAUGHTER
0:21:18 > 0:21:20And you can finish that one off for yourselves.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Which is also what she should have said.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31If I was a judge on The Voice, I'd call myself Mill.i.can.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I love Britain's Got Talent, but Amanda Holden cries a lot, doesn't she?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Does she do that thing with her hands to wave her tears back into her eyes?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Crying's brilliant. Why try and stop it?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Afterwards I feel like I've achieved something.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Makes you feel good tired, you know, like after sex.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02And if you do both together, you feel properly rested.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:09There's now versions of this show all around the world.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Australia's Got Talent, Armenia's Got Talent,
0:22:12 > 0:22:17Vietnam's Got Talent, and in Saudi Arabia, Men Have Got Talent.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25The last two years have proved that the most talented people in Britain are some Hungarians, and a dog.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I'd like to know more about being a television judge,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40so please welcome, from Strictly Come Dancing, Bruno Tonioli.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:48 > 0:22:52So, Bruno, Come Dancing... Have you ever?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54LAUGHTER
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Have I ever?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I was watching you backstage, but I could've with pleasure.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:03What a lovely thing to say!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05She's so fabulous and funny.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08You're so funny.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Do you think you are too hard sometimes?
0:23:10 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I've never had complaints about being too hard, you know.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- Really?- Usually they like it hard.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I was talking about judging.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Oh, I'm sorry!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23LAUGHTER
0:23:23 > 0:23:26There aren't many famous Italians over here.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I think there's just you, Frankie Dettori, and Mama Dolmio.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Mama Dolmio!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36And I'm pretty sure she was made in Holland.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Why is that? Why aren't there more Italians here?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42No, there's Gino. Gino D'Acampo.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44The chef, and...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47That's it.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53- There's Gino...- Sophia Loren, but she's about 78.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- She's still Italian, though.- Still Italian, yeah.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59OK. You're in Dancing with the Stars in America.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03What's the difference between judging in America, and judging here?
0:24:03 > 0:24:09It's funny, because in America, in America you can say fanny, but you can't say pussy.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13In Britain, you can say pussy but you can't say fanny.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17That's the main difference, is it?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19That's it.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:27On Strictly, the last dance should be a slowie, shouldn't it?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29The old erection section.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31The erection section. The rumba is my favourite.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Is that the erection one?- Because it's all about sex.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Basically, it's like having sex, you know.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38That's not how I do it.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42So what do you do when you're having sex? You don't rub against somebody else?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Just lie there for a bit.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52- You're waiting for it to happen.- And then just put my nightie down.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:58You know, I've always wanted to be a Saturday telly judge.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I've always wanted to be one. Will you help me, Bruno?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- I'd love to.- Let's do it, let's do it.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Do you think we're going to find a star tonight?
0:25:17 > 0:25:24Oh, yes. We're going to find the biggest, brightest, most exciting star Britain has ever seen.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- I'm sure.- Excellent. Right, who's next?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- What's your name, love?- Sarah.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43It's been quite a journey for you, hasn't it?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Yeah, it has. Two buses, and then it was a walk.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Sarah, do you think you can win this?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I wouldn't have thought so, but you're the bloody judge.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- What are you going to do for us?- I'm going to tell you a story.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01There'll be tears, but not necessarily in a good way.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05In your own time, pet.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:30 > 0:26:32CHEERING
0:26:41 > 0:26:43GASPS
0:26:53 > 0:26:55GASPS AND LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:10That was the worst sexy geranium I've ever seen.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Dreadful.- Oh, enough is enough.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16(IN TREMBLING VOICE) I'm sorry, but it's a no from us.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18You know nothing. I'm going to be huge!
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I'm going to have a number one record...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23of shadows.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25So a rabbit to you, and a rabbit to you.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- Actually, not you. You look lovely today.- Oh, thank you. That's so nice.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Actually...
0:27:33 > 0:27:35BOOING
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Thank you very much for being on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Bruno Tonioli.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54That's it for tonight. Unfortunately, we haven't had time
0:27:54 > 0:27:57to talk about those other singing shows that transform your life.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00If you win, you'll have no privacy.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Unless you win The Voice. You'll have a fair bit of privacy then.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09"Didn't you win The Voice?" "Yes. Now, do you want fries with that or not?"
0:28:12 > 0:28:15We haven't had time to talk about This Morning.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18They called it that so old people would know when it's on.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22The One Show completely confuses them.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23LAUGHTER
0:28:23 > 0:28:27We haven't had time to talk about rugby, football or cricket. Good.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29LAUGHTER
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Or snooker. It's extremely boring.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36Though it does liven up slightly when there's a gentle kiss on the pink.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Good night.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd