0:00:01 > 0:00:03This programme contains some strong language
0:00:20 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican television programme!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Now, I've got a confession. I love Gok Wan.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I love what he has done for women.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53How early in life did he develop the instinct he has with us, though?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Did he turn around to the nurse in the delivery room and say,
0:00:56 > 0:01:01"Honey, it should be me slapping your arse for hiding away those curves!"
0:01:01 > 0:01:06A lot of what he does revolves around encouraging women to get their tits out.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10There's a fine line between fashion advice and a football chant.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER
0:01:12 > 0:01:15You may be surprised to know I've got really broad tastes
0:01:15 > 0:01:17when it comes to TV.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Sometimes I will be watching telly with my boyfriend and I'll say,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23"Do you fancy watching the adult channel?"
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And his eyes light up and he says,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- "Yes, I do!" - LAUGHTER
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- Then I put BBC Four on. - LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:37When fast-forwarding in the advert breaks,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39some people should only be allowed to do times-6.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Honestly, times-30 is too much for you, pet!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46When you can hit the Doritos logo
0:01:46 > 0:01:52and not end up at the end credits, I might allow you to try times-12!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Unless it's a football match.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58I'm shit hot. I can do times-30.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- "Sponsored by..." - SHE EXHALES
0:02:05 > 0:02:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I've got a bit of a habit of watching animal clips on the Internet.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I'm just about to go to bed and I'll go,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23"I'll just have one more clip of cats and then I'll go to bed."
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Then it says, "If you like that one, you might like this one."
0:02:28 > 0:02:32It's a bit like single men watching porn. "Just one more!"
0:02:33 > 0:02:35As happens with porn, the more cat clips I watch,
0:02:35 > 0:02:39the more extreme I need them to be. I've seen it all.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Cats in boxes, cats in baths, cats reacting to printers.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- LAUGHTER - "I need something more!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48"I need something harder!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- "Oh, two cats cuddling in a sink." - LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- "Oh, there it is!" - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:58 > 0:03:02David Attenborough has taught me a lot about animals.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Female black widow spiders eat their mates after sex.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Lucky buggers!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I'm always starving after sex!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13If I've missed my lunch, I could have a threesome!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- Missed my lunch! - LAUGHTER
0:03:19 > 0:03:22At 15 inches, the eyes of the giant squid
0:03:22 > 0:03:25are the largest on the planet,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28especially when they've just found out what calamari is.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32"Thought that was onion rings!"
0:03:32 > 0:03:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Sometimes, when I see something like a black guillemot
0:03:37 > 0:03:39or a white gyrfalcon or my favourite bird of all,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42which is a wall creeper, then...
0:03:42 > 0:03:45everything goes moist, really, to be quite honest with you!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:53You think that's probably weird but you sometimes...
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I don't think I'm the only one that thinks that's weird!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00But, you know, birds are really good-looking animals.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02You know, I like the look of feathers.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- I prefer the feel of feathers to fur or hair or skin.- Skin?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Skin, yeah. LAUGHTER
0:04:08 > 0:04:11You've sometimes got your favourite T-shirt on
0:04:11 > 0:04:14and you've been listening to The Jesus And Mary Chain in the car
0:04:14 > 0:04:16and you stop and you open the window and it's just THERE!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18HE SIGHS
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Now, you love...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30You love horses.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33But you know what happened to horses when they are not very good?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- LAUGHTER - Do you...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38LAUGHTER
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Do you ever use a Pritt Stick and get sad?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- SHE HUMS - Aw!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- LAUGHTER - I knew him!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- I actually might cry! - Really?- That is awful!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- Could you do it to camera? - LAUGHTER
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Do you have to take the Blue Peter animals home?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- The dog is mine.- Is it?- The dog that's on the show at the minute,
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Barney the dog, he's my dog so he comes home with me.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I like that you called him Barney The Dog. Is that his surname?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18We have to call him that
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- because the other presenter is called Barney as well.- Of course!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25But you would think you wouldn't get a person and a dog mixed up often.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29"Have you done the shit on the floor again, Barney?"
0:05:29 > 0:05:32"Which one do you mean?"
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Do people watch your shows to see if you'll get injured or killed?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Without a doubt.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41The first thing that kids ask is,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"When was the last time you got bitten?"
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"What is the thing you are most scared of?"
0:05:45 > 0:05:47"What was the thing that nearly killed you the most?"
0:05:47 > 0:05:49It's the thing that fascinates people.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52They desperately want to see me get munched.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55What was the thing that nearly killed...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:05:57 > 0:05:58- Not in that way!- They are...
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I apologise.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06- I apologise.- This is definitely your crowd, not mine.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09It is my crowd. They see innuendo in every sentence!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15There's a question I've always wanted to ask you.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Does Bear Grylls shit in the woods? - LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Have you got any creature comforts that you like to take away with you?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Not really.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31I mean, toilet rolls. The places I go to, you need them.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Would that be like a multipack? - LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:38No, the best thing is a flat-pack.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40You know, you can't...
0:06:40 > 0:06:45Have you just got to sit for hours before you go, tearing it all off?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"Pass us that other roll!"
0:06:54 > 0:06:57You know, I love the beginning of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59when they reveal all of the contestants.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Cos there's always one you thought was dead.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:08I'm not sure I could handle it in the jungle.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I'm not very good at being hungry.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I would end up just picking off the other contestants.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18They would come back and go, "Where's Frankie Dettori?"
0:07:18 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:25"Sorry. It's two o'clock and I hadn't had a sandwich!"
0:07:26 > 0:07:30For me, the worst task would be putting a bikini on!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"I don't want to!"
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"Come on. Get it on.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40"If you don't put it on, you'll have to eat those kangaroo anuses over there."
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"Those? I've been eating those all day!"
0:07:43 > 0:07:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:50 > 0:07:53"I thought they were nibbles!"
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Does anyone in the room eat on their own regularly?
0:07:58 > 0:07:59A few people do. Yeah.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I used to have a series of office jobs
0:08:02 > 0:08:05and I would rather be alone in the park.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I'm not paid for my lunch hour
0:08:07 > 0:08:09so I'm not spending it with those bell-ends!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:12 > 0:08:15It comes to something when you'd rather risk getting flashed at
0:08:15 > 0:08:17than having to talk to Computer John.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19LAUGHTER
0:08:19 > 0:08:23By the way, if there is anybody watching from any of my old jobs, I don't mean you!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26LAUGHTER
0:08:26 > 0:08:29John...
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- ..in computers. - LAUGHTER
0:08:32 > 0:08:34When I was clearing out my kitchen cupboards,
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I found a Christmas pudding from 1988.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39It was fine with a bit of custard on.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I've only ever made one cake and it was for my ex-husband.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47That's not the reason he's "ex". It's probably one of the reasons.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51He said, "That'll be lovely with a bit of custard on."
0:08:51 > 0:08:54When people offer to put custard on something,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56it's never a compliment, is it?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Imagine the first night in bed with a new partner
0:08:58 > 0:09:01and he looks at your who-d'ya-me-wotsit and says,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03"That'll be lovely with a bit of custard on."
0:09:03 > 0:09:05LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:10"Why's that, then?" "It's a bit dry."
0:09:10 > 0:09:12LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:16"And whose fault is that?"
0:09:16 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Another one of my favourite shows is MasterChef.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27They always say a glug of olive oil, don't they? A glug.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31What happened to teaspoons? A glug!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I'm not sure if I'm doing it right
0:09:33 > 0:09:36but I take a swig and then spit it in the pan.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:42APPLAUSE
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Not always. Sometimes I just swallow!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I like watching Secret Eaters.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55If you haven't seen it, it goes a little like this.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58A woman says, "I just don't understand!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01"I shouldn't be this fat for the amount that I eat!"
0:10:01 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Then they film her eating six big dinners in a day,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10show it to her and she goes, "Ah!"
0:10:10 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:17 > 0:10:21If you were a bread, what kind would you be?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Cos I think Mary Berry might be, like, a sourdough.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- What would you be? - I would be a baguette!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I would be... I think I would be a crusty bloomer.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39A crusty bloomer.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- Love a crusty bloomer. - Love the crusty bloomers!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Get this mess out onto there.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48That's the basic scone mix.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53It's quite a wet mix. Now what I need to do is shape it into a ball.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Obviously, scone, I prefer it wet than dry.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:03If the dough...if it's too dry, it doesn't work.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Dry is not good, is it? - LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:09In scone, what we do is chaff.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- It's a light, gentle fold.- OK.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14It's a nice...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19MUSIC: "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers
0:11:19 > 0:11:22# Oh, my love
0:11:24 > 0:11:26# My darling
0:11:28 > 0:11:32# I've hungered for your touch
0:11:32 > 0:11:35# A long lonely time...#
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Thank you very much.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Let's give a big round of applause to Paul Hollywood!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49But my favourite food programme is not one you would expect.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52It's The One Show, because I can't eat my tea without it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55LAUGHTER
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I've been on The One Show
0:11:57 > 0:12:00and it's probably the only time when my parents have been truly proud,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03cos it was a show they were already watching.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- LAUGHTER - "Mock the what?"
0:12:07 > 0:12:09"8 Out of 10 what?"
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"The Sarah what Television Programme?"
0:12:12 > 0:12:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:20 > 0:12:22It's on at the perfect time
0:12:22 > 0:12:26so that you don't have to listen to how your partner's day was.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30"God! What a day I've had!" "Shut up. I'm trying to listen to
0:12:30 > 0:12:32"Gyles Brandreth on the history of candyfloss!"
0:12:34 > 0:12:37It's the only show where you can get comments on jam
0:12:37 > 0:12:40from Kriss Akabusi and the Dalai Lama.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44It's like a crazy dinner party where only a couple of people
0:12:44 > 0:12:47know one another and have to make small talk.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"So, Lionel Richie..."
0:12:51 > 0:12:54"..have you ever been to the Barnstaple Lawn Mower Museum?"
0:12:54 > 0:12:56LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Having presented the show myself,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03it's not natural how close they expect you to sit on the sofa.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Before I did the show, I'd only got that close to someone
0:13:06 > 0:13:08if I fancied them or was freezing to death.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11They told me, "Pretend you are on your sofa at home."
0:13:11 > 0:13:15I said, "Oh, no. You don't want me to do that!"
0:13:15 > 0:13:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:18 > 0:13:20How do you keep a straight face
0:13:20 > 0:13:23when people send in their rubbish pictures of stuff they have made?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Because a lot of it is properly shit, isn't it?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29LAUGHTER
0:13:29 > 0:13:32To be honest with you, what you see is the best!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Why is the show usually half an hour
0:13:35 > 0:13:38but it's a full 60 minutes on a Wednesday?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Is Wednesday a really heavy news day for pointless shit?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- You tell me.- Brilliant! - APPLAUSE
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I used to like watching Adrian Chiles in the morning
0:13:56 > 0:14:00but only because he looks slightly worse than I do!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:02 > 0:14:05I'd be rubbish at breakfast TV.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06BBC NEWS THEME
0:14:06 > 0:14:10..leading to a 70% decline in the bee population worldwide.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15So potential problems in store, there, for us beekeepers, perhaps.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Sarah, what do you think about bees?
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- I like bees best when they're dying. - LAUGHTER
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Like in the winter and they want you to stand on them
0:14:25 > 0:14:29cos they are in such pain, but I just leave them.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32"You climbed in my pop. You are on your own, mate."
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- LAUGHTER - Are you tired? I'm tired.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- I'm sorry if I smell a bit. - LAUGHTER
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- Can you smell bacon? - LAUGHTER
0:14:46 > 0:14:48APPLAUSE
0:14:56 > 0:14:59In a boost to the economy, the latest figures show consumer spending
0:14:59 > 0:15:02rose 1.2% last month. Do you think, then,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05there is a light at the end of the tunnel, Sarah?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08You never look at me any more, do you, Bill?
0:15:08 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I don't know if you know this, but you know nobody is watching
0:15:17 > 0:15:21at this time in the morning, don't you?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23They might have you on, but you'll just be on mute.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25LAUGHTER
0:15:25 > 0:15:28You're just a clock to most people.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30APPLAUSE
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I really like driving,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38but I'm not the biggest fan of car programmes.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42There's Top Gear, Fifth Gear. I can't be arsed with all of that.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I'm waiting for a show called Automatic.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:51They have a feature called Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54The best thing is the leaderboard where the celebrities' times
0:15:54 > 0:15:58are ranked, with allowance made for road conditions.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01You get things on the leaderboard like this:
0:16:01 > 0:16:02Steve Coogan, dry.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Carol Vorderman, slightly damp.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:12And Davina McCall, very wet.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:18You can get celebrity voices on your sat nav now.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I've got George Michael on mine.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22"You haven't reached your destination
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"but hurl yourself out of the car anyway."
0:16:24 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:28 > 0:16:33You are a motoring aficionado, a journalist and an all-round expert.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38- So they say.- What I'd like to know is have you ever had sex in a car?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41LAUGHTER
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Yes.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44CHEERING
0:16:44 > 0:16:47APPLAUSE
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Do you ever fantasise about two ginormous airbags
0:16:50 > 0:16:51going off in your face?
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Occasionally.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Don't we all, love? Don't we all?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Now, whose voice do you have on your sat nav?
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Do you have a voice on your sat nav?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07No, I just have a normal disembodied female voice.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Is that how you like your women?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:10 > 0:17:13APPLAUSE
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I mean, it's all very well doing what they do in a flashy car
0:17:18 > 0:17:22but could they do that in, like, a Nissan Micra, do you think?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25You know, with the family in the back seat.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30- They can drive anything.- Like a bus?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Now, that's a really good idea.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- Let's have a bus-driving championship.- That would be amazing.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- You'd be more into that, wouldn't you?- I would.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Can I sit above the driver?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Cos that's the best seat because you can pretend you're driving.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- When you say above the driver... - Not like...
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- So he can see, at least, while his driving, not...- No.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I don't mean you sit... on the driver's face!
0:17:53 > 0:17:57APPLAUSE
0:18:02 > 0:18:06The thing about driving, it's doing that erratic thing that men do
0:18:06 > 0:18:09when they get excited when they're driving they keep braking and...
0:18:09 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:18:13 > 0:18:16That's... That's... That's never happened to me.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:23- So that's happened to you. You've seen that, have you?- I've...
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Heard about that, yeah.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28You dirty bitch!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:32APPLAUSE
0:18:35 > 0:18:36People often think
0:18:36 > 0:18:39that you and Phil Spencer are an item, don't they?
0:18:39 > 0:18:43- Yes.- Have you ever thought, "Fuck it. I'm going to have a go on that?"
0:18:43 > 0:18:44LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:48"People are thinking it. I might as well have a go."
0:18:48 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:01 > 0:19:04You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I can deny it till I'm blue in the face, it doesn't convince anyone.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- So you have.- No...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Do you think it's rude to carry on a conversation during sex?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19It depends on the conversation. I think we should talk more during sex.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Is texting all right?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- Texting, no. But talking, yes. - Not even if it's on silent?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I suppose it depends on the position.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32If they can't see, you can probably get away with it.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35If they can't see, you can sometimes have a book on the go.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39What's the best offer Phil has given you?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER
0:19:46 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:51This is all of the questions, you do know that? They're all about this.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- Yeah.- Have you touched it? That's the next one.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I really like that show Jewish Mum Of The Year.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I think they should do more of these but with different categories.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09My mam would be great in Geordie Mam Of The Year.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13She once made me a terry-towelling boob tube.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16She didn't mind me being sexy as long as I was warm.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:20When I was little and I didn't know a word,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I'd ask my mam, but there was one time I must have asked a rude word
0:20:24 > 0:20:25and she said to us,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28"In the future, when you're asking about a word
0:20:28 > 0:20:30"and you think it might be rude,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"just say so, so I can brace myself."
0:20:34 > 0:20:38So then I'd go, "Mam, this word might be rude."
0:20:39 > 0:20:41"What's Velcro?"
0:20:41 > 0:20:43LAUGHTER
0:20:43 > 0:20:45APPLAUSE
0:20:45 > 0:20:47"Mam, what's tea-bagging?"
0:20:49 > 0:20:52"Oh, thank God. I thought it was going to be something rude.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54"That's when you steep the tea bag for a long time
0:20:54 > 0:20:56"so that the tea is strong enough
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"to take away the taste of bollocks in your mouth."
0:20:59 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:04 > 0:21:08At school we had a swimming teacher that never went in the pool, ever.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12We all wondered why and then my friend said, "Maybe she's soluble."
0:21:12 > 0:21:13LAUGHTER
0:21:15 > 0:21:17I grew up watching all those American dating movies
0:21:17 > 0:21:19so when I was playing rounders
0:21:19 > 0:21:22and the PE teacher told me to go for third base
0:21:22 > 0:21:23I wanked him off.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:28 > 0:21:32In netball, it was always the popular girls that were asked
0:21:32 > 0:21:35to pick teams and I was usually picked last.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37There was even a time when one team decided
0:21:37 > 0:21:40they would rather be a man down than have me on their side.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:21:42 > 0:21:45But once, just once, the teacher asked me
0:21:45 > 0:21:49if I'd like to pick a team. Of course I bloody did.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54So I picked every girl in that class who had glasses or an inhaler...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57LAUGHTER
0:21:57 > 0:22:02..a wonky eye, club feet, braces or a sling.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I built myself a team of mutants.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09LAUGHTER
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Or, as I like to call them, my friends.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15We will trip people up with our crutches
0:22:15 > 0:22:19and we'll see the ball better with our jam-jar glasses.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23We will obscure the opponents' vision with our massive perms.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Now, if this was a Hollywood film, we would have won. But it wasn't.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34It was a comprehensive school in South Shields. We got slaughtered.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37For most of those girls, it was the first time
0:22:37 > 0:22:40they'd held a netball when not putting it in a cupboard.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Well, this is quite some story
0:22:43 > 0:22:45at the Olympics of 2012.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47This girl has come from nowhere.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51She has limited athletic ability
0:22:51 > 0:22:53and absolutely no certificates
0:22:53 > 0:22:56apart from something proving that she can swim 10m.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58AUDIENCE JOIN APPLAUSE
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Sarah Millican will now attempt the forward roll.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07We're looking for a clean entry, a clean exit,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09rhythm and balance in between.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11And she goes into the forward roll!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Oh, and she struggles a bit to get up.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16A lovely present to finish.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20The audience here in London go mad.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24What a sensational performance from Sarah Millican.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Water-boarding.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Is it more fun than skiing? And...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31LAUGHTER
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Cos I think it's my least favourite of the water sports.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Which is your favourite? - Of all the water sports?- Yeah.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Bath.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42LAUGHTER
0:23:42 > 0:23:44APPLAUSE
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Sarah, what's happening in your game?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Well, there are lots of men in coloured shirts
0:23:53 > 0:23:58but I'm not sure who are the goodies and who are the baddies.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01It looks like only one of the players remembered to bring a ball
0:24:01 > 0:24:05and now everyone's chasing around trying to get it.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08The crowd seemed to be asking if someone takes it up the a...
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Arsenal have scored at the Emirates.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14We'll keep an eye on that one, that's for sure.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Because we've got to teams who badly need a win
0:24:16 > 0:24:19if they're going to qualify for the Champions League next season. So...
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- Oh! Oh! Oh!- Well, it sounds like there have been developments already.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- Sarah.- Oh, Rachel has just said she still loves Ross.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Oh, I love Ross.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32That's...Ross County
0:24:32 > 0:24:34and Rachel...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Town.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39I'm not surprised, Sarah. The form Ross County are in.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Three consecutive away wins on a Wednesday and no yellow cards.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- That's the first time that's happened since February 1994.- Oh, my God!
0:24:46 > 0:24:50- What ARE you watching now, Sarah? - I'm being good, Jeff.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- I'm watching Chelsea. - And how are they doing?- Not so good.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Ollie's cut his hair off and one of the girls is worried
0:24:56 > 0:24:58she might have chlamydia.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:02My favourite reality show is Made In Chelsea,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05as that's the one that's closest to my lifestyle.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11A non-stop round of partying, modelling and fashion blogging.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13"Sniffed me leggings, can get another day out of them."
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Now, are you going to teach me how to talk all dead posh
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- and that, like Gabriella? - I am going to do my best.- Yeah?- Yes.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24What are we going to do? How the hell are we going to do that?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27First of all, I'd like you to stand up for me, because I think what
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- we'll do first of all is a bit of centring and rooting work.- Oh!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32SHE GIGGLES
0:25:32 > 0:25:34This is going to help to give you confidence
0:25:34 > 0:25:36when you're doing the audition...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38I do feel confident when I've had a good run.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Perfect.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43So, what I'd like you to do is to stand with your feet
0:25:43 > 0:25:44hip-width apart and place your...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Hip-width?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51And place your hands on your belly for me.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Oh, which belly?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Do you want the one in the knickers or the one
0:25:55 > 0:25:56that's just slightly over the top?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58You're doing very well.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Next thing we're going to work on now is something that's called
0:26:00 > 0:26:02oral posture.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Oh, that's down on me knees?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Oral posture...
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Cos if you're in the car, you just lean over a bit...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21That's when we're looking at what the lips, teeth, tongue
0:26:21 > 0:26:23and jaw are doing, and primarily we're going to be focusing...
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Teeth?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Teeth?!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I'm almost certain you're not supposed to use teeth.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Just a little bit, like...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Sorry.- It's all right.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Looking at the jaw for this one, so, with RP,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40what we're after is a lovely released jaw.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43That means there'll be more space in the mouth,
0:26:43 > 0:26:44in the oral cavity.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Absolutely, so there's lots more room for those lovely
0:26:48 > 0:26:52- RP vowels to bounce around. - There's lots of room in there.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54So, you're going to love this,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56because I'd like you to place your hands together...
0:26:56 > 0:27:01Brilliant. I want you to adopt a dropped jaw position, which is...
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Absolutely. And what I'd like you...
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- AUDIENCE LAUGH - Shut up!
0:27:05 > 0:27:06What I'd like you to do is,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09we're going to shake our hands forward and backwards very quickly...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I promise there is a purpose to this.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23The head should stay beautifully still,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25the jaw should be lovely and released.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29And we're going to do it on an "ah" sound. Doing it on an "ah" sound.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- So, you can watch me first of all, if you'd like...- I'd like to.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33No problem.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Ahhhhh.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Ready? And...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48BOTH: Ahhhhhhh.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- Very well done. - It's a very small one.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Awww. Look.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00That's it for tonight.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about House,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Hugh Laurie's limp...
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Although he wouldn't be if I got me hands on him.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10We haven't had time to talk about Murder, She Wrote...
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Who came up with that title? Yoda?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20- YODA'S VOICE:- Murder, she wrote.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24Ice Road Truckers.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28The producers decided to make it grittier, which sort of ruined it.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Question Of Sport.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35For me, the question is always, "What's on the other side?"
0:28:35 > 0:28:36About The Dog Whisperer.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39(He's shagging me leg again.)
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Get the broom.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Never mind, he's finished. Get a cloth.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50All those shows where they travel back to a time when it was OK
0:28:50 > 0:28:52to be sexist and racist -
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Life On Mars, Ashes To Ashes,
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Top Gear.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Goodnight.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd